Can you Fall in Love with Someone You’ve Never Met?

Can you Fall in Love with Someone You’ve Never Met? 

By  Jane Zita Fry 

The random email came out of nowhere from a guy who claimed his name was Gary and that he had seen a picture of me – he introduced himself very formally, my reply was just as formal but somewhere in cyberspace formal turned into less formal and I was hooked!

I had never met this guy, yet I couldn’t concentrate on my work, I checked my email account every 5 minutes and spent hours composing replies, reading and re reading to make sure they sounded just right, my tummy had permanent butterflies and my heart beat so fast I could barely breathe! – Nothing wrong in any of that I hear you say, loads of couples meet day in day out on the internet but the difference is I am married, but this didn’t seem to deter me it was as if something had taken over a part of my brain and I couldn’t stop it. 

Couples relationship expert Peter Barnes told us “The online environment is the perfect breeding ground for fantasies because it allows us to ascribe all the wonderful qualities we want in a partner to someone we’ve never met.” 

And this is exactly what was happening with me. I wanted someone who understood me, who listened when I talked about my work, life and my children, someone who the thought of his touch burnt me up, the thought of his kiss made my knees weak…and oh my, the thought of him holding me in his arms was just too good to be true. I could tell him my weaknesses and he made me feel strong, my faults and he thinks that they are cute and I’m wonderful. How can someone I’ve never met make me feel so happy and fulfilled? 

The emails continued, pictures were exchanged my fantasies now had a face. I walked around in a bubble unaware of life happening around me, he told me he worked for a very well known company that had offices all over the world! How ideal was that I started thinking, if I were to meet up with him it wouldn’t be too difficult because he wasn’t in the country that often, it was ideal. My fantasies just grew I imagined myself becoming a major part of his life, I pictured myself leaving my husband and travelling the world with Gary, in my mind it all seemed plausible! We had so much in common; it was as if he had been moulded just for me.

The email came that I couldn’t breath at, he had to go to Monte Carlo for three days on business would I join him his exact words “I do have a proposal: I will be in Monte Carlo for a conference it is set over 3 days. Would you be able to join me? You would be on my guest list. I would be the perfect gentleman and it would be an amazing time. You would loose me for approximately 4-5 hours each day but shopping in Monte Carlo is a dream and champagne is a must. Have you been? I stay at the Fairmont as one of our executives owns half the Hotel chain. I also have to touch base with reality and I know you have a husband so I would not pressure you about this in any way.”

I was falling and falling for Gary in a big way, I started to plan in my mind how I could get away for those days to see him.

According to psychologist Patricia Campbell “falling in love with someone you’ve never met is basing a relationship on superficial experiences. You really don’t know much about that person other than whatever it is he/she has told you — and you have no proof to back it up. He/she could be very different in person.” 

Had I forgotten I was married? No, I felt I could justify my behavior because what was I actually doing? Emailing a guy I felt attracted to? I email guys all the time in my line of work anyway my husband has not been there for me over the years, and Gary reminded me of my husband and how we used to be together. I wanted to feel like that all the time.

My blackberry pinged with an email, he was back in England for a day and we could meet for coffee……Oh God I couldn’t breath I was finally going to meet the man who had distracted my life for two weeks (WOW was that all it was), I kept setting the scene in my head what would I wear? What would I say? What if he went to kiss me (I am married and whilst flirting over the internet is one thing having physical contact is another!)

The day finally came, we had arranged to meet in a coffee shop halfway between my town and his, the whole journey I felt physically sick – I had told my husband I was meeting a friend, when I arrived at the destination my apprehension was indescribable, he was already inside waiting for me, raising from his chair as I walked through the door with a heart melting smile on his lips. I reached the table he was just as tall as he had said, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me for what seemed an age but was really not.

We both sat down there was no awkwardness and we chatted about everything and nothing BUT it was different he was lovely, told me all the things I wanted to hear but now it was real and not a fantasy and I had a husband at home, my stomach wasn’t doing butterflies. I felt as if I was having coffee with a friend I hadn’t seen for ages, we had a lovely time but I didn’t have the undying urge to run off with him, I can’t say what it was, maybe there was an unconscious part of my brain reminding me I had a husband and children at home and in all reality I couldn’t leave everything and follow this man around the world and maybe just maybe if I wasn’t married it may have been different 

For a while I got carried away and let the world of fantasy and reality blur into one, I showed my husband ALL the email correspondence between me and Gary, I expected him to be angry but he read the emails and broke down in tears admitting he wouldn’t have blamed me if I had left him. He admitted he knew he had neglected me over the years and not been the best husband, but he promised me that this was the jolt he needed to make him realise I was the love of his life and he didn’t want to loose me, he promised me he would change and he has, he treats me like a princess, is loving and caring to me and my family, he makes time for me and doesn’t go off for days sulking because he doesn’t like something I have said or done, we talk to each other and share our innermost thoughts and secrets, in fact our marriage is stronger and I am happier than ever, and as for Gary we occasionally send catch up emails and if someone like him emailed me now my reply……….”Thank you for the compliment but I am happily married!” 

I was lucky, many polls indicate that seemingly innocent online friendships often develop into intense emotional and physical affairs that can devastate marriages, so think very carefully before engaging in something that may initially seem completely harmless.

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• Your Mental Health

WHO SHOULD YOU LISTEN TO?

• 

  WHO SHOULD YOU LISTEN TO?

  TEST AUDIENCES WATCH MOVIES BEFORE RELEASE AND TELL THE STUDIO WHAT THEY THINK.

  
  

  That's how Pretty Woman ended up with a feel-good ending and why Fatal Attraction wasn't even darker than it was. Not to compare your girlfriend to a hooker or a bunny boiler, but your relationship has a test panel too—buddies, brothers, coworkers. And their opinions can shape your romantic destiny, says H. Colleen Sinclair, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at Mississippi State University. "If you have the support of your friends and family, your relationship is more likely to survive." So do you take their advice, or stick to your original screenplay? Let's listen in.

• YOUR PALS

  THE BENEFIT: Straight talk

  
  

  Psychologists use the phrase "positive illusions." Poets say love is blind. Your pals may wonder what you see in her but say nothing at first. According to Benjamin Le, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Haverford College, research suggests that friends tend to be accurate judges of relationships. When you're in a relationship, you tend to view it and your mate in a positive light. Friends measure it with an objective yardstick: your happiness. If they think she makes you happy, they'll approve, says Le, cofounder of ScienceofRelationships.com. So if your bud rips on your girl, ask him why. He might reveal something that's obvious to everyone but you.

  
  

  THE RISK: He's jealous

  
  

  When a pal goes negative on your girlfriend, maybe he's just jealous that you've traded poker nights for poke-her nights. One way to check: Compare the reactions of guys who are cheerfully committed with those of single men. A happily married friend isn't vying for your time. "If all friends, regardless of their relationship status, give similar negative evaluations, then it's not likely to be due to jealousy," Le says. But if single friends are more negative, it could be jealousy. In that case, feel free to ignore them—and see if they come around after your next weekend hangout.

• HER PALS

  THE BENEFIT: Priceless intel

  
  

  Your girl's closest friends are fortune-tellers. They'll see the souring of a romance before she does, or before you or any of your pals do. "This may be because they have more influence in the relationship or because they are especially tuned in and insightful," Le says. If her female friends are also your friends, you can ask them for advice—as long as it's a question you wouldn't hide from your girlfriend. Ask them how you can be a better boyfriend, for example. So if they blab about the conversation, she'll see it as sweet, not behind-the-back.

  
  

  THE RISK: Sabotage

  
  

  Her pals' opinions can become self-fulfilling prophecies. "The friends may end up doing things that facilitate the relationship's demise," says Sinclair. For example, they may use every mistake you've ever made as fuel to encourage her to dump you. How can you tell if your girlfriend's friend is on your side? Listen. If you announce that the two of you are moving in together, will the friend say, "Well, you guys will certainly save money!" instead of "I'm so happy you two are in love"? Not too romantic.

• YOUR FAMILY

  THE BENEFIT: Good sense

  
  

  Ever since prom, your parents have inspected your love interests in detail. "The people who are most dependent on us are often the most cautious about our relationships," says Jacob Vigil, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico. "For most men, that's family." It's evolution: We're wired to pass on our genes. So your folks are subconsciously assessing your gal as a suitable mother to their grandkids, Vigil says. They can help you take off the blinders of lust and home in on a mate with long-term potential.

  
  

  THE RISK: Lofty expectations

  
  

  Family members have a tendency to be too picky. "This can be especially true for mothers, who often hold high standards about who is good enough for their children," Sinclair says. Their doubts can trigger second thoughts on your part. If you're sure about your relationship but your parents are still skeptical, ask them to explain their concerns so you can address them head-on, says Scot Allgood, Ph.D., director of the marriage and family therapy program at Utah State University. Often their misgivings will center on potential incompatibilities between you and your mate. "Keep that in mind as you evaluate each of their concerns and ask yourself, Is this something I need to worry about, or is it something my partner and I have already worked through?'"

• YOUR COWORKERS

  THE BENEFIT: Experienced observers

  
  

  Your office holds a precious resource—a group of colleagues, many of whom have been coupled up longer than you have. "Research suggests that people don't recognize they have a strong marriage until they're 20 or 25 years in," says Allgood. By then they've had plenty of experience with struggles and setbacks. So solid relationship advice probably won't come from your fantasy-football buddy—it'll come from the 50-something guy down the hall who's been married for 30 years, Allgood says. He'll offer perspective, stories—and good advice.

  
  

  THE RISK: Biased observers

  
  

  Unless you commit a grave crime of the heart, like cheating, your coworkers will favor your side in a relationship struggle. "That's the side they know," Sinclair says. That's great when you need emotional support, but not if you really deserve some tough love. If you've done something wrong, they're not likely to point it out. That's especially true for colleagues who work closely with you on team projects, since they're already primed to have your back, Sinclair says.

• JIMMY THE BARTENDER

  THE BENEFIT: Objectivity

  
  

  Sometimes you want advice from someone who doesn't have a stake in your relationship. A stranger's take should never be a final verdict, but it can be a good place to start. The mere act of spilling your guts to an impartial party can be therapeutic, Allgood says. Just expressing the problem out loud and knowing that someone's listening without becoming emotionally invested can help you think more clearly. Plus, it's easier to admit your failings to someone who won't judge you.

  
  

  THE RISK: Superficiality

  
  

  Your bartender may assess your girlfriend based on her drink choice. "Acquaintances tend to be most impressed by someone who seems as if they offer a lot of capacity—money, good looks, and so forth," Vigil says. A casual acquaintance doesn't have an emotional investment in you. So his or her glowing evaluation may be based on, say, her stunning body, not the deeper character traits that determine a truly good mate. "That can give us a false sense of validation and worth," says Gerry Heisler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist based in Columbia, Missouri. So listen, but not too closely. And tell Jimmy to stop staring.