5 Ways To Be Heard

5 Ways To Be Heard

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re talking to a wall, here’s how to open the friendly lines of communication with your partner

Are you listening to me?!?!”

Sometime soon after “I do,” this phrase tends to make its way into a marriage—and stays there. And while it’s common to feel like your spouse isn’t really hearing you from time to time, it’s not something you should brush off as a fixture of long-term commitment. According to a new study from the American Psychological Association that looked at 156 couples in the Boston area, women report feeling more satisfied in a relationship when they feel like their spouse understands when they're angry or upset.

In other words, feeling like you mate is actually listening to you will make you feel less like choking him.

But how do you get your man to exercise his empathetic ear? Here are five tips from relationship experts on how to turn hearing into listening and reap the relationship satisfaction:

Look each other in the eye. Body language is extremely important in couples’ communication, and one of the first steps to listening empathetically is to make eye contact when you’re talking, says Michael Bridges, PhD, from Council for Relationships in Philadelphia. Locking eyes will often lead to your partner nodding or giving you other subtle communication signals, which tips you off to the fact that he’s engaged in what you’re saying.

Take away the blame. Even if you’re upset about something totally unrelated to the relationship, it’s common for your guy’s first response to be “she’s upset with me,” says Gary Stollman, PhD, a relationship expert in Beverly Hills. This makes him defensive right away and automatically escalates the tone of the conversation. Instead, try prefacing your statements with something along the lines of: “This isn’t your fault, and you didn’t do anything wrong; I just need to talk to someone about this,” says Dr. Stollman.

Turn the tables. Another finding from the study shows that women feel more satisfied in a relationship if their spouse opens up about what’s bothering him. Make it known that you'd like to hear what’s upsetting him lately. “Once men know it’s safe to express vulnerable feelings to their partner, they come to appreciate and value it just as much as their wives,” says Dr. Bridges.

Give him a job description. Be very clear about what you want his reaction to be. If you just want him to hear you out, say so, says Dr. Stollman. A good way to do this: When you're venting about your horrific day, say something along the lines of, “All I want for you to do is listen; I don’t want you to fix it—please just listen.”

Show your appreciation. Guys get an especially big boost when their wives express positive emotions, according to the study. So make sure you don’t just yak his ear off about the coworker who's driving your crazy with her annoying speakerphone habit. Remember to let him know how loved you felt when he brought you coffee this morning or that you really felt appreciated when he took care of dinner last night.

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9 Popular Teachings About Marriage That Aren't True

9 Popular Teachings About Marriage That Aren't True

Everyone tries to imagine the way their lives would change after saying " I do" but often get disappointed in their first years of marriage because they realize that what they imagined was far from reality

There are certain myths about marriage that can influence the way we think our future will look like next to the one we love, but many of these things aren’t actually true.

Everyone tries to imagine the way their lives would change after saying " I do" but often get disappointed in their first years of marriage because they realize that what they imagined was far from reality.

Though it's not wrong to want certain things in life or from your relationship, you must be aware of the fact that things often change and that people evolve and you should not be disappointed if they are not as you imagined them to be.

Corina Dondas of Binoni disproves a few popular and most common myths about marriage:

1 The only ingredient for a happy marriage is love: 

One of the most common myths about marriage refers to the fact that you only need love in order to have a long, happy married life. This statement couldn’t be more wrong! For a marriage to work, besides all the love, you also need a lot of other things, like patience, empathy, care, consideration, tact and a lot of other qualities that you either have or you either develop along the way. A marriage takes a lot of work and unfortunately, love isn’t enough to make things work out... you also need to put a little effort into it.

2 Once you get married, you don't evolve anymore: 
This is another myth that influences a lot the way people perceive marriage and themselves being married. Often, many people, and especially the single ones, tend to think that married couples have certain predetermined roles and responsibilities, and all that prevents them from evolving, from having fun, from enjoying life. These things are completely false! Even if after marriage you could get a few new responsibilities, you will still be able to make time for your hobbies, for doing stuff that makes you happy. You will even share these things with the one you love; it will be more fun!

3 After marriage your relationship will be even stronger
In order for your marriage to work, it will take a lot of effort and a lot of compromises from both of you spouses. People tend to think that marriage will help consolidate their relationship, without them doing a thing, and that isn’t exactly true. I don’t doubt the fact that marriage does unite couples even more, but you should work on your relationship after your wedding too. Good things need a lot of work sometimes! But I’m sure that all that work means nothing compared to a really happy marriage.

4 The spouses should have the same interest or passions 
This sentence couldn’t be more wrong! Every person is unique and this also applies to couples. It would be nice if you would have a few things in common with your husband or wife, a few pleasant hobbies that you share, some common interests, but, if you don’t have them it’s still okay. It’s also good if you are a bit different in some ways because this will allow you to complete each other.

5 If couples live together before marriage, their marriage will be really happy 

Nowadays, there are a lot of couples that decide to move in together, taking this step as a final test before saying "I do." But, you know, nothing will guarantee you that your relationship will be even better after marriage by living together, because this depends entirely on you guys. You are the only ones who can make things work and the only ones who can have a really happy and wonderful marriage!

6 Your spouse should be your best friend

This is one of the popular myths that it’s often wrong. The thing with the spouse being also your best friend is not a rule that every married person should follow. It’s absolutely normal and necessary to get along very well with your other half, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have other friends with whom you can get along just fine or maybe, sometimes, even better. These friends can listen to you, can offer you advice, can be there to comfort you when you need it, and they can do all these things in other ways that your spouse does them.

7 There's only one person in the world whom you can marry
 Here, I am talking about the well-known, "soul-mate" myth. We like to believe (and I think it would be really nice if this were true) that somewhere, in this big, big world, there’s our other half, which completes us perfectly and with whom we will live happily ever after. Unfortunately (or why not, fortunately for us), this perfect half doesn’t exist, so you could have a really happy marriage and a wonderful life with different people.

8 Children can increase happiness of a married couple
 This is a very, very popular myth among a lot of married couples or even people who are in committed relationships. The fact is that a lot of studies have shown that actually, the first born baby of a couple separates a bit the two new parents because this event brings a significant amount of stress in their lives. Also, the couples with many children are less likely to get a divorce but also, this is not a rule.

9 Married people have a less satisfying sex life:
I can understand how easy it is to believe that married people have a less satisfying sex life and that they have sex a lot less than the single people do. But actually, recent studies have shown that in fact married couples have a much happier and more fulfilled sex life than the single ones, not necessarily by having more sex but by having meaningful sex, by being involved both physically and especially, emotionally.

View original article here


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How to Attract Men: 15 Ways

How to Attract Men: 15 Ways

Every woman wants to be noticed. If you’re looking for the best ways to attract men, we’ve got you covered. Here is a list of 15 great ways to capture the attention of the entire room- without being sleazy or obnoxious.

1. Confidence is Key

You’ve probably heard this over a million times, but only because it’s the absolute truth: there is nothing more attractive than confidence. Even if you think your nose is larger than it should be or your thighs aren’t as toned as you’d like, nobody will notice if you walk into the room and own it. They won’t see your flaws, only your shining confidence that leaves you with a smile on your face. And trust me, men won’t notice anything wrong about you. They’ll be too busy checking out all of your best features as you strut proudly across the floor. Ladies, wherever you go and whoever you’re with, always bring your confidence with you. It’s truly a life changer and the number ONE way to attract a man.

2. Dress Up Your Figure

We all have something we love about ourselves. Maybe you’ve got a set of perfectly perky breasts that completes a low cut v-neck magnificently or maybe you’ve got a gorgeously flat stomach that craves a crop top. Whatever it is, buy and wear clothes that accentuate your good qualities while downplaying the others. This will not only help grab men’s attention, but also give you an extra boost of confidence.

3. Keep it Classy 

However, just because you have a butt like Kim Kardashian, it doesn’t mean you should walk around in the smallest booty shorts you can find. Surely that might get you some attention from the guys, but it will be the wrong type of attention that gets you nowhere in the long run. When picking out your clothes, remember to keep it classy, cute, and modest. You know the old term “leave something to the imagination”. That phrase still holds true today and should be something we all keep in mind during our shopping trips. To help you out, here’s a few examples of clothes men absolutely love:

Anything form fitting, such as a body contouring dress.

-Jeans that fit well. (doesn’t have to be skinny jeans, but nothing that’s baggy or loose).

-Summer skirts and dresses that show some leg.

-High heels no taller than 4 inches.

4. The Right Amount of Makeup

A lot of girls think you need to pack on the makeup. Foundation, concealer, blush, powder, eyeliner, mascara- the list goes on and on. But when you ask a man what they is the most attractive, almost any guy will tell you less is more. They want to see your natural beauty, not some fake, drawn on face women think is perfection. Men don’t want plastic perfection. They want a real woman. Keep your makeup to a minimum, and try to do the natural look as much as possible. Dress up your makeup when the time is right, for instance hot red lipstick with your tiny black dress on date night in the city.

5. A Beautiful Scent

Nothing captures a man’s attention more than a beautiful scent, right? If you really want to know how to attract a man, spray on some of your best smelling perfume and they’ll be drawn to your delicious scent. Plus it makes for a great conversation starter. He might just want to get closer to you and know a bit more about what you are wearing…and who you are.

6. A Smile Goes a Long Way

So we have two of the biggest things listed already: confidence and perfume. But what’s another important piece of the puzzle? A smile. Men are incredibly attracted to a smiling woman and love when a lady can light up the room just with a simple look like this. If you are trying to attract a specific man around you, make sure you flash him plenty of smiles, whether they are the flirty smiles with teasing eyes or full fledged big smiles that show you’re interested.

7. Make Eye Contact

The eyes are incredibly powerful, and as some say, are the windows to the soul. And that’s why making elongated eye contact with the man you are interested in is so heavily important. However, you don’t just want to stare at him in a creepy way for several minutes. When it comes to eye contact, make it sensual. Give him the ‘I want you’ seductive eye contact that will pull him in. You’d be surprised how quickly a man will run over to greet you just by flashing him your eyes every now and then. He won’t be able to look away from those mysterious brown eyes, those elegant emerald green eyes, or those passionate blue ones.

8 Touchy Flirty

Let’s say you’re talking to a guy and he says some silly joke. You giggle a bit and touch his arm and say, “You’re so funny”. That simple little touch of the arm- that, my friends, drives men absolutely insane. They love it, and they can’t get enough of it. Your soft touch against their skin sends shivers down their spine and makes their stomachs turn into a butterfly factory. Ladies, if you want to attract a man (and give him a bit of nervous and intrigued chills in the meantime), do a bit of playful touching while talking and flirting. It’s simply a recipe for success.

9. Be Easy-Going and Natural

This could go both ways. After all, who wants to hold a conversation with someone who is frigid and nervous? This only leads to an awkward time that both parties wish they could get out of. If you want to attract him AND keep his attention, be relaxed and easy going. Be completely calm during your interaction with the guy, even if you feel like you are about to explode on the inside. This easy-going and natural nature will come across as confidence to him, which will in turn intrigue him and make him attracted to you. If the conversation flows easily, why would he want to stop it?

10. Show Him Your Silly Side

Men love it- and I mean LOVE it- when a woman can make them smile. It’s one of those things that every guy looks for, and once they find it they cherish it like gold. It’s one of the most attractive things you can do, and is definitely something you should do often. Yes, it’s okay and completely normal to have serious conversations. But during casual conversations, you should certainly have a silly joke or a funny remark to make him smile. He’ll enjoy it so much he won’t want to stop talking to you!

11. ..And Your Smart, Sophisticated Side

On the other hand, don’t be silly 100 percent of the time. This can come across as annoying and immature. Sure you want to make him laugh every now and then, but just as you want to make him laugh, you should also want to make him think. Show him your intelligent side. After all, you are a sophisticated woman with an education under your belt, and no man wants to be with a ditzy girl that doesn’t know a thing. Show him you are a smart girl with her head on her shoulders and he’ll be instantly drawn to you.

12. Don’t Be Needy

You know those guys who are constantly trying to talk to you, bugging you when to hang out, and sad when they can’t see you for more than 3 hours? Yeah, me too. And nobody likes that type of person. When it comes to attracting men, one thing is for sure: don’t be needy. Needy personalities are a HUGE turn off for men. They want a woman who is secure in herself and doesn’t need a man to be happy. And if you’re begging for his attention, you appear as just the opposite. Show him you’re an independent woman who would love to have him around, but doesn’t necessarily need him to survive- it’ll keep him intrigued and wanting you even more.

13. Be Positive

Have you ever tried to hold a conversation with someone who is constantly negative? They are mad when it’s sunny, mad when it’s raining. They have a negative comment about every movie you watch, and never want to hang out with anyone because they are annoying or boring. We all know those people, and let’s face it: we don’t like hanging out with them, let alone talking to them. That being said, how do you think you are supposed to attract a man with all that negativity? Sure some things must have a negative reaction. But for the most part, you should be positive and uplifting. Men are drawn to an uplifting lady as she will be able to encourage him and uplift him in the future (if a relationship does transpire). This all roots back to the smile: even when you’re having a bad day, keep a smile on your face and try to be positive. It really works wonders!

14. Show Signs of Interest

If you don’t act interested, why would any man want to come and talk to you, let alone keep a conversation going with you? There are many different ways to act interested in another person. Here are some simple ways to show signs of interest:

-Make plenty of eye contact, both before and during conversation. Just remember to break contact every now and then to avoid looking creepy.

-Lean in forward, showing that you are interested and engaged in the conversation. Sitting back in your chair or standing away from someone shows that you are not interested in the conversation at hand- and that’s what we are trying to avoid.

-Smile plenty. Before the conversation, flash him several smiles. During the conversation, try to keep a small smile on your face at all times and laugh at his jokes.

-During the conversation, ask questions and put in your comments as much as possible. This shows that you are listening to him and want to be a part of the conversation. It also shows that you have a mind of your own and have your own set of thoughts and opinions about different topics.

-Going back to our touchy flirty tip, again I remind you to do plenty of soft touching during the conversation. This is a very obvious sign you are interested in him and enjoy getting close to him.

15. Embrace Your Feminine Side

Men like cute, flirty, and feminine girls. Why? Because they are supposed to be the strong ones. They are supposed to be manly and aggressive. They are supposed to be the big protectors that guard dainty woman from danger. It is engraved in their minds, and has been since the early days. You don’t have to act like a hopeless, frail person to grab a man’s attention. You should, however, embrace your dainty and feminine side as much as possible. For instance, even if you could open that jar of pickles, just ask the man to do it anyways. They love it. Even if you’re a kick boxer and could easily take out any man, wear a cute dress and a lovely smile in public to attract men.

It’s easier than you think to attract a man. Enter the room with a beautiful smile on your face, always stay positive, and don’t forget to dress yourself up with cute clothes and a dash of amazing smelling perfumes. Keep the conversation going by acting interested, being silly every once and awhile, and showing him you are a elegant, sophisticated, and totally adorable woman who simply can’t be resisted.

View original article here

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Masculinity Is Killing Men: The Roots of Men and Trauma

Masculinity Is Killing Men: The Roots of Men and Trauma

“The three most destructive words that every man receives when he’s a boy is when he’s told to 'be a man,'” —Joe Ehrmann, coach and former NFL player

If we are honest with ourselves, we have long known that masculinity kills men, in ways both myriad and measurable. While social constructions of femininity demand that women be thin, beautiful, accommodating, and some unattainable balance of virginal and fuckable, social constructions of masculinity demand that men constantly prove and re-prove the very fact that they are, well, men.

Both ideas are poisonous and potentially destructive, but statistically speaking, the number of addicted and afflicted men and their comparatively shorter lifespans proves masculinity is actually the more effective killer, getting the job done faster and in greater numbers. Masculinity’s death tolls are attributed to its more specific manifestations: alcoholism, workaholism and violence. Even when it does not literally kill, it causes a sort of spiritual death, leaving many men traumatized, dissociated and often unknowingly depressed. (These issues are heightened by race, class, sexuality and other marginalizing factors, but here let’s focus on early childhood and adolescent socialization overall.) To quote poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning, “tis not in death that men die most.” And for many men, the process begins long before manhood.

The emotionally damaging “masculinization” of boys starts even before boyhood, in infancy. Psychologist Terry Real, in his 1998 book I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, highlights numerous studies which find that parents often unconsciously begin projecting a kind of innate “manliness”—and thus, a diminished need for comfort, protection and affection—onto baby boys as young as newborns. This, despite the fact that gendered behaviors are absent in babies; male infants actually behave in ways our society defines as “feminine.” As Real explains, “[l]ittle boys and little girls start off... equally emotional, expressive, and dependent, equally desirous of physical affection. At the youngest ages, both boys and girls are more like a stereotypical girl. If any differences exist, little boys are, in fact, slightly more sensitive and expressive than little girls. They cry more easily, seem more easily frustrated, appear more upset when a caregiver leaves the room.”

Yet both mothers and fathers imagine inherent sex-related differences between baby girls and boys. Even when researchers controlled for babies’ “weight, length, alertness, and strength,” parents overwhelmingly reported that baby girls were more delicate and “softer” than baby boys; they imagined baby boys to be bigger and generally “stronger.” When a group of 204 adults was shown video of the same baby crying and given differing information about the baby’s sex, they judged the “female” baby to be scared, while the “male” baby was described as “angry.”

Intuitively, these differences in perception create correlating differences in the kind of parental caregiving newborn boys receive. In the words of the researchers themselves, “it would seem reasonable to assume that a child who is thought to be afraid is held and cuddled more than a child who is thought to be angry.” That theory is bolstered by other studies Real cites, which consistently find that “from the moment of birth, boys are spoken to less than girls, comforted less, nurtured less.” To put it bluntly, we begin emotionally shortchanging boys right out of the gate, at the most vulnerable point in their lives. 

It’s a pattern that continues throughout childhood and into adolescence. Real cites a study that found both mothers and fathers emphasized “achievement and competition in their sons,” and taught them to “control their emotions”—another way of saying boys are tacitly instructed to ignore or downplay their emotional needs and wants. Similarly, parents of both sexes are more punitive toward their sons, presumably working under the assumption that boys “can take it.” Beverly I. Fagot, the late researcher and author of The Influence of Sex of Child on Parental Reactions to Toddler Children, found that parents gave positive reinforcement to all children when they exhibited “same-sex preferred” behaviors (as opposed to “cross-sex preferred”). Parents who said they “accepted sex equity” nonetheless offered more positive responses to little boys when they played with blocks, and offered negative feedback to girls when they engaged in sporty behavior. And while independent play—away from parents—and “independent accomplishments” were encouraged in boys, girls received more positive feedback when they asked for help. As a rule, these parents were unaware of the active role they played in socializing their children in accordance with gender norms. Fagot notes that all stated they treated sons and daughters the same, without regard to sex, a claim sharply contradicted by study findings.

Undeniably, these kinds of lessons impart deeply damaging messages to both girls and boys, and have lifelong and observable consequences. But whereas, as Terry Real says, “girls are allowed to maintain emotional expressiveness and cultivate connection,” boys are not only told they should suppress their emotions, but that their manliness essentially depends on them doing so. Despite its logic-empty premise, our society has fully bought into the notion that the relationship between maleness and masculinity is somehow incidental and precarious, and embraced the myth that “boys must be turned into men...that boys, unlike girls, must achieve masculinity.”

Little boys internalize this concept early; when I spoke to Real, he indicated that research suggests they begin to hide their feelings from as young as 3 to 5 years old. “It doesn't mean that they have fewer emotions. But they're already learning the game—that it's not a good idea to express them,” Real says. Boys, conventional wisdom holds, are made men not by merely aging into manhood, but through the crushing socialization just described. But Real points out what should be obvious about cisgender boys: “[they] do not need to be turned into males. They are males. Boys do not need to develop their masculinity.”

It is impossible to downplay the concurrent influence of images and messages about masculinity embedded in our media. TV shows and movies inform kids—and all of us, really—not so much about who men (and women) are, but who they should be. While much of the scholarship about gender depictions in media has come from feminists deconstructing the endless damaging representations of women, there’s been far less research specifically about media-perpetuated constructions of masculinity. But certainly, we all recognize the traits that are valued among men in film, television, videogames, comic books, and more: strength, valor, independence, the ability to provide and protect.

While depictions of men have grown more complicated, nuanced and human over time (we’re long past the days of “Father Knows Best” and “Superman” archetypes), certain “masculine” qualities remain valued over others. As Amanda D. Lotz writes in her 2014 book, Cable Guys: Television and Masculinities in the 21st Century, though depictions of men in media have become more diverse, “storytelling has nevertheless performed significant ideological work by consistently supporting...male characters it constructs as heroic or admirable, while denigrating others. So although television series may have displayed a range of men and masculinities, they also circumscribed a 'preferred' or 'best' masculinity through attributes that were consistently idealized.”

We are all familiar with these recurring characters. They are fearless action heroes; prostitute-fucking psychopaths in Grand Theft Auto; shlubby, housework-averse sitcom dads with inexplicably beautiful wives; bumbling stoner twentysomethings who still manage to “nail” the hot girl in the end; and still, the impenetrable Superman. Even sensitive, loveable everyguy Paul Rudd somehow "mans up" before the credits roll in his films. Here, it seems important to mention a National Coalition on Television Violence study which finds that on average, 18-year-old American males have already witnessed some 26,000 murders on television, “almost all of them committed by men.” Couple those numbers with violence in film and other media, and the numbers are likely astronomical.

The result of all this—the early denial of boy’s feelings, and our collective insistence that they follow suit—is that boys are effectively cut off from their feelings and emotions, their deepest and most vulnerable selves. Historian Stephanie Coontz has labeled this effect the “masculine mystique.” It leaves little boys, and later, men, emotionally disembodied, afraid to show weakness and often unable to fully access, recognize or cope with their feelings.

In his book, Why Men Can’t Feel, Marvin Allen states, “[T]hese messages encourage boys to be competitive, focus on external success, rely on their intellect, withstand physical pain, and repress their vulnerable emotions. When boys violate the code, it is not uncommon for them to be teased, shamed, or ridiculed.” The cliche about men not being in touch with their emotions says nothing about inherent markers of maleness. It instead identifies behavioral outcomes that have been rigorously taught, often by well-meaning parents and society at large. As Terry Real said when I spoke to him, this process of disconnecting boys from their “feminine” —or more accurately, “human”—emotional selves is deeply harmful. “Every step...is injurious,” says Real. “It's traumatic. It's traumatic to be forced to abdicate half of your own humanity.”

That trauma makes itself plain in the ways men attempt to sublimate feelings of emotional need and vulnerability. While women tend to internalize pain, men instead act it out, against themselves and others. As Real told me, women “blame themselves, they feel bad, they know they feel bad, they'd like to get out of it. Boys and men tend to externalize stress. We act it out and often don't see our part in it. It’s the opposite of self-blame; it's more like feeling like an angry victim.” The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that across race and ethnicity, women are twice as likely to experience depression as men. But Real believes men’s acting-out behaviors primarily serve to mask their depression, which goes largely unrecognized and undiagnosed.

Examples of these destructive behaviors range from the societally approved, such as workaholism, to the criminally punishable, such as drug addiction and violence. Men are twice as likely as women to suffer from rage disorders. According to the Centers for Disease Control, men are more likely to drink to excess than women, leading to “higher rates of alcohol-related deaths and hospitalizations.” (Possibly because men under the influence are also more likely to engage in other risky behaviors, such as “driv[ing] fast or without a safety belt.”) Boys are more likely to have used drugs by the age of 12 than girls, which leads to a higher likelihood of drug abuse in men than in women later in life. American men are more likely to kill (committing 90.5 percent of all murders) and be killed (comprising 76.8 percent of murder victims). This extends to themselves, according to studies: “males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and comprise approximately 80 percent of all suicides.” (Interestingly, suicide attempts among women are estimated to be three to four times higher than that of their male counterparts.) And according to the Federal Bureau of Prisons, men make up more than 93 percent of prisoners.

The damaging effects of the aforementioned emotional severing even plays a role in the lifespan gender gap. As Terry Real explains:

"Men’s willingness to downplay weakness and pain is so great that it has been named as a factor in their shorter lifespan. The 10 years of difference in longevity between men and women turns out to have little to do with genes. Men die early because they do not take care of themselves. Men wait longer to acknowledge that they are sick, take longer to get help, and once they get treatment do not comply with it as well as women do."

Masculinity is both difficult to achieve and impossible to maintain, a fact that Real notes is evident in the phrase “fragile male ego.” Because men’s self-esteem often rests on so shaky a construct, the effort to preserve it can be all-consuming. Avoiding the shame that’s left when it is peeled away can drive some men to dangerous ends. This is not to absolve people of responsibility for their actions, but it does drive home the forces that underlie and inform behaviors we often attribute solely to individual issues, ignoring their root causes.

James Gilligan, former director of the Center for the Study of Violence at Harvard Medical School, has written numerous books on the subject of male violence and its source. In a 2013 interview with MenAlive, a men’s health blog, Gilligan spoke of his study findings, stating, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo that ‘loss of face’—no matter how severe the punishment, even if it includes death.”

Too often, men who are suffering do so alone, believing that revealing their personal pain is tantamount to failing at their masculinity. “As a society, we have more respect for the walking wounded,” Terry Real writes, “those who deny their difficulties, than we have for those who 'let' their conditions 'get to them.'" And yet, the cost, both human and in real dollars, of not recognizing men’s trauma is far greater than attending to those wounds, or avoiding creating them in the first place. It’s critical that we begin taking more seriously what we do to little boys, how we do it, and the high emotional cost exacted by masculinity, which turns emotionally whole little boys into emotionally debilitated adult men.

When masculinity is defined by absence, when it sits, as it does, on the absurd and fallacious idea that the only way to be a man is to not acknowledge a key part of yourself, the consequences are both vicious and soul crushing. The resulting displacement and dissociation leaves men yet more vulnerable, susceptible, and in need of crutches to help allay the pain created by our demands of manliness. As Terry Real writes, “A depressed woman’s internalization of pain weakens her and hampers her capacity for direct communication. A depressed man’s tendency to extrude pain...may render him psychologically dangerous.”

We have set an unfair and unachievable standard, and in trying to live up to it, many men are slowly killing themselves. We have to move far beyond our outdated ideas of masculinity, and get past our very ideas about what being a man is. We have to start seeing men as innately so, with no need to prove who they are, to themselves or anyone else.

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Multiple Orgasms for Men?

Multiple Orgasms for Men?

The fascinating technique that might open up whole new sexual experience

As a society we carry a lot of entrenched ideas about sex. Perhaps one of the most deeply ingrained assumptions is that women can have multiple orgasms, and that men can't. But is that really true?

In 1986, sex therapists William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian put together the book, Any Man Can. They describe that by withholding ejaculation, men can experience "a number of sexual peaks." 

"The multi-orgasmic men we have studied have chosen to develop that capacity (stopping ejaculation using learned techniques)… The behavior itself (interrupting orgasm via such techniques) appears to be at least four thousand years old," they wrote, 

More than a decade later, sex educator Jack Johnston came out with a training program to help men work towards this experience. Johnston told me over the phone that he’s made it his life’s work to dispel the myth that only women are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms.

“Men and women are physiologically a lot more similar than people realize.Vive la différence, of course, but in terms of the neurological capacity for experiencing the orgasmic impulses, we’re wired in quite a similar manner.”

He added, “I try to help reacquaint people with the idea that orgasm is an energetic event, and that for men, it’s not automatically linked to ejaculation. They’re two separate events. Two separate reflexes.”

In contrast to other “experts,” Johnston avoids conventional “squeeze techniques” that encourage men to stop just short of “the point of no return.” These techniques typically require that men clench pelvic floor muscles, slow their breathing and allow the urge to ejaculate to pass.

As Johnston explained, “That’s not really a whole lot of fun for anybody. You’re constantly monitoring, it’s like ‘Am I there yet? Maybe I can go a little further. Oh shucks, I went too far.’”

“My working hypothesis was that there’s got to be a better way than that. I don’t think our creator was sadistic in that way.”

Johnston’s program is known as The Key Sound Multiple Orgasm (KSMO) training. The “Key Sound” refers to a particular sound one can make while engaging in some light stimulation during solo (or partnered) practice sessions, separate from the act of intercourse. He insists the vibrations brought on by the sound can help “unlock” the key to multiple orgasms.

One satisfied client writes, “As the sensations became stronger, my vocal expressions became deeper and louder. I continued until I was so overwhelmed by this feeling I literally could not move anymore – pleasantly paralyzed by orgasm with no urge to ejaculate.”

But while most men believe penile stimulation to be the primary means by which to experience orgasm, Johnston recommends  guys bypass the penis and head for the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus) during their solo sessions.

Johnston’s refers to the perineal area as the “the male G-spot.” Part of his training revolves around “helping men locate that area of their body, and then, as part of the 'Multiple Orgasm Trigger,' practice to gently massage [the perineal] area just enough to get a little tingle, or a little rush.” Johnston calls these sensations “Echo Effects.”

“How does one increase arousal to orgasmic intensity without using lots and lots of stimulation? For men in particular, more and more stimulation tends to trigger the ejaculation reflex. So the idea is, in a sense, how do you learn to sneak up on the orgasm?”

“Very often, orgasm is centered right in the genital area, whereas the method that I teach tends to occur throughout ones body. One experiences arousal throughout one's body. Neurologically, it’s all connected throughout the body, so the idea is to become aware of that. To become aware that when someone becomes aroused it’s not just in the genital area, those waves of energy start flowing throughout one's entire body.”

On the official forum, one of Johnston's clients reports, "As I am doing my sessions, I am really getting new sensations each time. Presently, I am feeling my prostate pumping (for lack of a better word) and this is causing me to get a slight erection. When my prostate pumps, it is sending pre-cum and I am beginning to leak a little. I have to stay relaxed because I feel that I could cross over and ejaculate. This pumping of my prostate are mini orgasms (I assume) and they feel great. My entire body is hot, shaking, and feeling really amazing. I can do this for about an hour and maybe a little longer."

Another writes, "Tonight, after doing my 20 minutes and then sort of absent mindedly continuing, I do believe I had my first full body, non-ejaculatory orgasm. It just sort of came on as I was massaging the base of my penis, from out of nowhere--NOT like it came from within my body. It felt like a heat throughout my body, and a sort of giddiness, almost like the light, first rush of MDMA (er...or so I've read...).

"And the crazy thing was, instead of feeling like the orgasm was in me, it felt like I was in the orgasm--like it was surrounding and suffusing my whole body like a field of energy. Pretty wild."

Johnston recommends that his clients practice the technique for 20 minutes every other day. He notes that ejaculation should be avoided on days devoted to practice.

He explained that in contrast to the “traditional” male ejaculatory orgasm, multiple orgasms typically arrive in “waves." And since they aren’t linked to ejaculation, one’s energy doesn’t dissipate as it does when one ejaculates. He added that after having mastered the technique, most men come to prefer these kind of orgasms.

He continued, “It lasts so much longer. The after glow lasts so much longer too. It’s the kind of energy that can infuse your whole being.” He also notes that, after having completed the training, many men report experiencing more intense ejaculatory orgasms as well.

But mastering the physical technique is only half the battle. As Johnston explained, a good part of his training revolves around teaching men to expand their understanding of sexual pleasure, and open themselves up to the different means by which it can be attained.

He tells me, “There are a lot of people who think that it's important for intellectual integrity to be really, really skeptical. I think it’s appropriate to have some skepticism, but it’s also really essential not to just be attached to being a skeptic. In the face of evidence to the contrary, one needs to have the intellectual integrity to consider it.”

“Once we learn the facts about our physiology, and what’s really possible. That’s a whole new world.”

Some people have years of sexual experience under their belt. Some don’t. But no matter where you land on the path of sexual self-exploration, it’s never too late to rewrite certain standards, and never too soon to start experimenting with different points of pleasure, no matter how obscure they may seem. 

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