Thursday 22 February 2018

Ten Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Working: Break Up or Fix It

Ten Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Working: Break Up or Fix It

Breaking up pretty much sucks. There’s no question about it. There’s no way I can sit here and tell you precisely what to do; That’s a call that you alone have to make… which is exactly why it can be so hard.
However, there are certain issues in a relationship that are deal breakers and when you run into one of these that one question pops into your mind “Do I break up or do we work it out?” Well, there’s no “one-size-fits-all” answer here. In two separate relationships the two exact same situations can mean two completely different things. With that said, here are ten of the most common reasons people grow apart or want to break up and advice on how you can break up smoothly or fix things.
Whether you want to break up or work through things, The Art of Charm has your back.
  1. Problem: One of You Thinks the Other Is Needy
Relationships are great, but they work best when it’s two people coming together to make a greater whole. One of the most important parts of that is being an independent person who holds his own. Writer and researcher David Deida discusses this a lot, speaking about the importance in modern relationships of people to maintain their sense of identity and independence:
The “modern” style of relationship is based on two independent people coming together and working out an equitable partnership. Each partner is expected to shoulder half the responsibilities, more or less, right down the middle. Each often has their own source of income, and together they negotiate a 50/50 plan to divide household duties, parenting, and financial obligations.”
There is a famous quote from Kahlil Gibran’s modern masterpiece “The Prophet” that speaks really well to the necessity to have space in a healthy relationship “ And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart. and the oak tree and cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Solution: Plan for time apart. Cultivate outside interests.
If you want to fix this, you need to hold up your end as the man in the relationship and lead by example:
  • Start a poker night with the guys.
  • Volunteer for a weekend away for work
  • Start working out or pick up an old favorite or new sport to play
  • Do whatever to create a bit of space between the two of you, which allows each of you to recover your own identity.
Reasons to Break Up:  When the two of you have a unitary identity and you can’t pull yourself out of it despite your best efforts. Losing yourself is not good or healthy for anyone. If you can’t find your identity even after trying repeatedly, do both of you a favor and call it quits.
  1. Problem: You’re in a High-Conflict Relationship
Signs It’s Just Not Working
You guys fight. A lot. Even by the standards of people who fight a lot. No matter what, it seems like the two of you can’t even do the simplest things without it becoming a huge deal. In fact, as we recently referenced in an infographic from The Art of Charm, constant fighting is the cause of nearly one-third of all breakups.

It’s easy to see why: living your life walking on eggshells, wondering what’s going to cause the next big blow up is miserable. At the same time, maybe you still love her and want to be together, but you just don’t want the fights. How do you know if it’s possible to keep your relationship and ditch the conflict?
Solution: Counseling, mediation and anger management.
Counseling often starts by helping you two figure out if you even want to be together. That process alone can be well worth the money spent. However, counseling also helps by providing a more objective intermediary. It’s less a case of who’s “wrong” or “right,” but rather how you two can work better together.
Finally, consider learning more about anger management like these ten tips from the Mayo ClinicWhen Anger Hurts Your Relationship: 10 Simple Solutions for Couples Who Fight which offer practical tips for high-conflict couples, such as behavioral contracts, relaxation techniques, de-escalating the argument and how to be angry without being disrespectful.
Reasons to Break Up: You just can’t stop fighting
Some relationships take on an emotionally sado-masochistic character. There’s no fixing these they are what is called irreparably toxic. Put simply, the part of the relationship you like is the one that allows you to hurt and be hurt. You need counseling, but not with her — just by yourself.
  1. Problem: Jealousy Is a Constant Undercurrent
It’s probably not that surprising that infidelity is a major cause of breakups, to the tune of over 36 percent. However, you don’t need cheat to deal with some of the negatives associated with it, namely jealousy.
Jealousy can originate from one person, though more often than not, it’s a dynamic that involves you both. You worry when she talks to another guy, she worries when you even mention a woman. With that kind of energy in a relationship it can be draining as well as limiting on both of your freedom. The question is how do you fix things and reverse the trend?
Solution: Become more comfortable with yourself.
The root cause of jealousy is almost always insecurity. What this means is that the only way you can stop it on your end is to be more comfortable with yourself. Stop projecting your own insecurities onto the other person. Focus on the good things in the relationship. Stop thinking you can read her mind. This can disrupt the feedback loop causing constant jealousy in your relationships.
Reasons to Break Up: You can stop it, but she can’t.
Relationships are made up of two people, but you’re only ultimately responsible for yourself. Here, you can only lead by example. If she can’t leave her jealousy behind (which could take months, not days or weeks), it’s time to start looking at making the painful choice to end things.
  1. One or Both of You Is Bored
Boredom is almost inevitable in relationships if the relationship lasts long enough. It is easy to settle into a routine and routines and boredom go together like peanut butter and jelly. The question isn’t whether or not boredom is going to happen; It’s how you’re going to deal with boredom when it does happen. With one in five women breaking up because they missed being single, you need to take boredom seriously.
Solution: Do something new and exciting together.
“New and exciting” is super open-ended, which is the good thing about it: Maybe it means you take a trip around the world, maybe it means you take a dance class together. The point is that you need to introduce novelty into the relationship. It’s not that hard to do. In fact, the hardest part will probably be deciding from among many options.
  • Staycation: Go rent a hotel room and party all weekend.
  • Explore a New City: It doesn’t have to be far away or exotic. It just has to be somewhere you’ve never been before.
  • Do Something You’ve Never Done Before: Again, it doesn’t matter if it’s bungee jumping or eating sushi; The point here is to do new things together.
I wrote a piece on Dating Ideas for the Adventurous that might help. Check it out before you plan your next adventure date.
Reasons to Break Up: Boredom isn’t the real problem.
Sometimes we think boredom is the problem, but it’s really not. The real problem is something else — anything else. It’s only when we begin addressing the problem of boredom do we realize that there was something else there.
  1. Your Sex Life Isn’t What It Used to Be
Much like boredom, your sex life hitting the skids is almost a certainty. That doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it; It just means that you have to accept the inevitability and be ready for it. So what’s the cure for a sex life that isn’t what it used to be?
Solution: Try new things in the bedroom that maybe you’ve only talked about.
This can be anything from tantric sex to taking a BDSM workshop. It really doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you two need to have a frank conversation about your sex life. Note that it doesn’t have to be — indeed, should not be — some serious “relationship talk.” These types of conversations work best when they’re a sort of flirting. Make it fun, not heavy.
Reasons to Break Up: You’re just not into the same stuff.
You can have a meaningful connection, but if you’re on two totally different pages when it comes to sex, neither of you are ever going to be happy. For a sexual relationship to prosper, you need to be pleasing her and she needs to be pleasing you. If you’re still not sure if you two are right together, sexually speaking, try taking this sexual compatibility test over at Psychology Today.
  1. One of You Is Always Trying to Change the Other
No one likes it when someone else tries to change them. It places stress on both of you and thus, the whole relationship. Not only does it cause stress, it can also cause resentment and resentment is toxic. So if one or both of you is always trying to change the other one, what do you do?
Solution: Accept that the other person is who they are and demand the same.
Men and women are not the same. Both of you need to accept this. You shouldn’t demand that your girly-girl girlfriend enjoy your poker nights any more than she should accept that you like shoe shopping. In fact, our differences are what make sex and dating so exciting. If you wanted someone you could control you’d be with yourself. Let it go. Accept them for who they are.
Reasons to Break Up: One of you can’t let the other person be themselves.  
Start by asking yourself if you still love her. If the answer is “yes,” do you love her but not think she’s right for you? Why not? Was she right for you when you first got together but now one or both of you has changed?
If she’s exactly what you’re looking for, but you’re still finding faults, you need to consider that maybe you’re being unnecessarily judgmental. Everyone has flaws; Why are you picking hers apart? There are a lot of reasons guys do this, but a lot of times it comes from setting unrealistically high standards for yourself, then projecting them onto other people. That’s a problem only you can fix for yourself.
  1. There’s No Long-Term Potential
Some girls are fun, but there’s nothing really there. Good times, good sex, good laughs… but nothing more tangible than that. Presumably, if you two are more than “just dating,” you want some kind of long-term potential. If you’re not feeling it, that’s a serious problem.
Solution: Evaluate why she is not a keeper.
Why don’t you two have any long-term potential? It could be something as simple as “we’ve never talked about it.” It could be as complicated as she’s Jewish, you’re Catholic and that’s important to both of you. Either way, you can’t fix it or even know if you can until you know what it is.
It can be difficult to communicate such personal issues, not least of all because you’re afraid of hurting her feelings. Psychologist Marcia Reynolds urges you to avoid spitefulness, examine your motives for speaking up and — of course — to ask her if she’s even interested in your opinion before offering it.
Reasons to Break Up: The difference between where she is and what you want to great.
In the latter case referenced above, there’s nothing really to do about it. You can hang around until it runs its course, but that’s also preventing you from getting something more meaningful and permanent.
  1. You Don’t Trust Each Other
Trust is a difficult thing. Especially if one of you has done something to violate the other’s trust; But maybe one of you is just not a trusting person or have had experiences in the past that affects your ability to trust. You might even be an untrustworthy person who is projecting how you lie or manipulate onto your partner even if they do not do that. Whatever the issue is, you can’t have a serious relationship without trust. So how do you start building that?
Solution: Begin building trust in small ways.
Rather than looking for these grand gestures that build trust, look for small ones.
  • Keeping your world on small promises allows you to build trust incrementally. Simply being where you say you’ll be when you say you’ll be there can be an important step.
  • Be honest about when you’ve done something wrong and expect the same from her.
  • At the same time, be willing to forgive when you are the wronged party.
  • Share things about yourself that are personal, or even painful. That kind of vulnerability can help to build trust.
  • Have a trusted friend you can check in with. Sometimes all we need is a third party to tell us it’s OK to trust.
Reasons to Break Up: One of you just can’t repair the trust.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter who’s the one who can’t trust. A lack of trust in a relationship means that there won’t be a relationship sooner rather than later. All you’re doing by maintaining things is digging yourself in deep into something that is going to have diminishing returns and eventually come to an end.
  1. You Never Go on Dates
It’s funny. They call it “dating,” but a lot of people who are don’t go on a lot of actual dates. This can lead to boredom. It can also lead to “falling out of love,” which was cited by nearly 40 percent of women as a reason for breaking up. So you need to pay attention to this, even when you’re in a long-term relationship.
Solution: Pick a day of the week and make that date night.
While it’s definitely serious, it’s also one of the easiest things to go ahead and fix: Pick a night, make it date night. No cancelling for a night with the guys, a work thing or even the Superbowl. Date night is date night is date night.
This isn’t speculation: A 2010 survey showed that not only did couples with a date night have better relationships — the couples surveyed even had better sex lives.
Reasons to Break Up: Just don’t.
Seriously, if the only problem you have is not going on dates, there is no way to make this a break-up worthy offense. You need to step up, be a man and start directing the relationship.
  1. You’re Wondering About Other Women
Maybe you’ve got some chemistry with a woman at work. Maybe it’s the girl who serves you coffee. Maybe you’re just day dreaming a lot about women that you encounter. The point is, you’re wondering about other women.
Solution: Realize it’s normal and not necessarily a reason to break up.
Guess what? You’re never going to stop looking at other women. You’re never going to stop wondering about other women. Not only is it normal, there are ways to appreciate women that don’t involve breaking up or cheating. Maybe you flirt a bit with the girl who makes your latte and that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with it. Just enjoy it for what it is but don’t take it too far and break energetic integrity with your partner.
Reasons to Break Up: You’ve cheated or think you’re going to.
There’s no reason to go there. If you’ve truly assessed the situation and you want someone else, it’s time to put a clean and honorable end to it. There are plenty of ways to break up with someone, but the important thing is that you be honest and make your feelings clear.
Let us know some of the issues you are facing or have faced in relationships. Tell us why you’ve broken up with girls or why you’re thinking about it in the comments. And while you’re at it, check out our How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend podcast or our Getting Over a Break Up podcast for more great info on how to deal with trouble on the relationship front.

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AJ Harbinger - author of 370 posts on The Art of Charm

Saturday 15 July 2017

13 Relationship Mistakes New Couples Make All the Time!

"Don't rush into the date with the thought that 'could this be the one'. Take the pressure off, just meet for coffee,  make friends, then see where that takes you"......................Susan

13 Relationship Mistakes New Couples Make All the Time!

New relationships are exciting, but the excitement can cloud your judgment too! Keep these 13 mistakes new couples make all the time in mind, and avoid it!

Everything’s always a lot more exciting in a new relationship!

After all, you’re starting off a connection with someone who could potentially be the one you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.

Every new experience feels like an experience with a newfound zest because of the person you’re with.

And every little thing they do cause you to giggle with glee and delight. And everything is just oh-so-perfect!

Yes, new relationships will inadvertently be filled with the haze of the honeymoon phase.

13 Relationship mistakes new couples make often

But despite your enthusiasm for your new love, there are still things you should avoid doing lest it makes your relationship turn sour too quickly.
From marriage talk to insisting on more time together, here’s a comprehensive list of the mistakes lots of new couples make.

#1 Moving too fast. Relationship milestones are something to be experienced, not something you should zip through. Savour your first night out, your first make out session, your first argument or your first out of town trip.
Take your relationship a step at a time and give yourself enough time in between to appreciate what just happened. In the future, you might think, “Oh, we never went through that phase,” but in fact you may have zoomed right through it.

#2 Fantasising about the future. It’s okay if you’d like to talk about future date ideas and things you can do in the following months. But imposing your fantasies about marriage, kids or moving in can make your new partner think that you want to move too fast. Isn’t it way too soon for that talk?
What if your partner hasn’t even thought about anything in the future other than your next date? Whatever fantasies you have about your future together, save it for when your relationship is fully established and stable. This way, you can both share your dreams and work on achieving it.

#3 Broadcasting every detail of your relationship. It can’t be helped when you gush to all your mates or girlfriends about your new beau. What they won’t be happy about is little unnecessary details about your relationship.

Your partner too won’t be very pleased when you tell everyone about these things either. Try to resist the temptation to tell people about the little details that should remain between couples like weird bathroom habits, stinky feet or wild fetishes.

#4 Getting disheartened at the first roadblock. Each relationship reaches its first challenge at different times. But when it’s your turn, don’t let it make you feel like your relationship has become damaged beyond repair.
You must understand that for a relationship to work out, both of you must be willing to put in some work. You can’t just drop everything when you’re starting to feel like things aren’t as perfect as they once were. Remember, challenges make you stronger!

#5 Sacrificing too much. Save the big sacrifices for when you’re sure that you’re with someone who’ll be there for you in the long run. Too many people tend to lose themselves in their relationships.
It starts off with giving up little things like certain hobbies and certain friends. Then it moves on to switching jobs, moving to another country or losing contact with close friends. And then, before they’ve realised it, they’ve become a shadow of their former selves!

#6 Being too unavailable. Your relationship is new, yes, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be one of your priorities. If you start off by being too aloof, your partner may feel neglected to the point of wishing they had never invested their feelings in you.
The early stages of the relationship are fragile because this is where you’re building your foundation. Don’t disregard this starting phase because a relationship built on flimsy foundation will be so much easier to dissolve at the first pitfall.

#7 Being too clingy. Unavailability is one thing, but clinginess is just as bad. Give your partner room to breathe! We know it’s exciting to be in a relationship with someone, but don’t breathe down his/her neck all the time.
You’re both individuals who should have your own lives. Let your partner do his/her own thing as you do yours. Just relax and resist the urge to leave a hundred voice messages when you start missing him/her.

#8 Playing the lying game. It’s never a good idea to lie to your significant other ever. Keep in mind that the lies you tell when you’re just starting off can build up into bigger lies.
For example, you might lie about resigning from a job you were actually fired from. But when your partner finds out, this will unleash a bunch of questions about what you lied about when you first started dating. That could potentially damage whatever trust your partner has in you.

#9 Overlooking the red flags. Some couples, in their desperation to keep things together, cling onto the relationship so much that they’re in denial about its flaws. It’s easy to dismiss the red flags when you really want things to work out. But if you ignore them for too long, you may one day find that you’ve invested so much in someone who’s been treating your badly for years!

#10 Mentioning the ex too often. Not only can this be annoying to your partner, but they might start comparing themselves to your ex. Also, it may make your partner think that you’re not over your ex yet. Limit any sort of mention of your ex, lest your partner get disheartened and thinks you still want to go back to your previous relationship.

#11 Social media stalking. Okay, so you want to know things about your significant other that you don’t want to ask upfront. But come on, don’t be the creepy partner who stalks a partner’s pictures from way back in 2008!
If you want to know something, ask. It beats sneaking around and jumping to your own conclusions. Also, trust us when we say you’re probably better off not unearthing your partner’s poor fashion choices in the early 2000’s.

#12 Imposing your beliefs. This is something that can be tricky, especially if you’re passionate about something. Bear in mind that you can’t expect your partner to believe every single thing that you believe in, whether it’s religion, politics, animal rights or whatever you have a firm stand on.
You’re not supposed to be clones of each other, so don’t start preaching if your partner has opposing beliefs. What you can do is be more open to their point of view. If there’s a big issue that you don’t meet eye to eye on, try to be more understanding or get out of the relationship if you feel like this will compromise your beliefs.

#13 Making your partner choose priorities. It’s unfair if you’re making your partner choose between you or their friends, their family, their job or their hobbies. You can’t expect your partner to prioritise you above everything else just yet. Your relationship is just starting to grow, and you can’t expect your partner to drop everything and be at your beck and call.
Considering your relationship is just starting off, you don’t have much of a fighting chance against things your new lover has valued before you came along. Keep this in mind, lest you make your partner choose and they end up not choosing you. Ouch.

New relationships can be both fun and tricky. But just keep working on love and try to avoid these 13 major mistakes that new couples make. 

Before you know it, you’ll already be celebrating your first anniversary!

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Tuesday 14 March 2017

Why Men Pull Away: Their Reasoning and Your Response

" Its not because of you !!!!!   So dont push him, just leave him to get on with it"  .........Susan

Why Men Pull Away: Their Reasoning and Your Response

One of the ways that men communicate is actually through a lack of communication. Read on to find out why men pull away and what you can do about it.

Everything is going along fantastically—at least, that’s what you think. Your relationship is moving along, you’re on cloud nine, and you’re beginning to see a real future with your guy. Then it happens. As if out of nowhere, he starts to pull away.
Guys are way more complicated than anyone gives them credit for. Predictably unpredictable, when they begin to seem to lose interest and pull back, our first instinct is almost always wrong. In fact, the very behavior that is making him pull back just may be the thing that you’re doubling down on.
When you feel him start to fade, your response may make the difference between getting him to come back full throttle and watching him dash in the other direction. To know how to respond to a guy’s elusive behavior, it’s important to understand the reasons that guys seemingly ditch out of a relationship without any sign of trouble or forewarning. 
Reasons why men pull away
There’s a reason the question of “why he pulls away?” is one of the most frequently searched phrases on the internet. It’s a typical response from guys, and one that is very misunderstood and mysterious to women. Men do not communicate in the same manner as women, which can leave us scrambling with fear and worry.
The problem is that the more questions you ask, the more irritated he will likely become, and thus, the more he will withdraw. Oftentimes, the first thing women want to do is try to “fix” it. But many times, in trying to do so, we just make it worse.
No matter the reason a guy pulls away, there is one response that will work and one that will get you the very opposite of what you want. Here are the reasons why a man might retreat, as well as some productive ways of dealing with him when he does. The key is to figure out what is driving him away.
#1 You are too pushy. If you are coming on too strong and he is not in the same place in the relationship, he will likely start to withdraw. Guys don’t like feeling pressured into being with someone. Wanting to maintain control, if they feel as if you are moving too fast, trying to persuade them to take the relationship to a point they aren’t ready for, they will begin to pull back and try to create distance.
Answer: Stop being so aggressive. The more you push, the more he is going to pull away. Give him some space to figure stuff out without all the questions and accusations. If you push him too far, you are going to lose him. If you take some of the pressure off, he may just find his way back to you.
#2 He lacks the skills to effectively communicate. If there is something on his mind or something that is bothering him and he doesn’t know how to express it to you, then he might start to push you away. The biggest problem in this situation is that he’s often unaware himself of what is going on, how to explain it, or how to fix it. Lacking in the capacity to express his feelings or needs, a man often decides that the whole thing is too much trouble and will retreat instead of dealing with it.
Answer: Sometimes all he needs is a little coaxing to figure out what’s going on. That involves being patient and giving him space and time to figure things out for himself and to discover what it is that he’s feeling. If you keep questioning him, things are going to get more jumbled, which will only lead to more confusion and will keep you two at odds. 
#3 He has lost attraction. At the beginning of a relationship, all a man can do is dream about having sex with you. At this point in your relationship, the brainreleases a hormone called dopamine in response to dreaming about being with you. After about three to four months, however, the brain’s production begins to taper off, and it’s like the drug has worn off. When that happens, he doesn’t understand what’s going on. Afraid that he is no longer attracted to you, he may begin to pull away.
Answer: Just because dopamine is not being produced naturally, that doesn’t mean you can’t find ways to create it. You have to turn on the heat sometimes to bring the magic back. A relationship takes work, especially in the sex department. Find ways to turn him on and he will be running back into your arms.
#4 He is attracted to someone else. If nothing happened and he is suddenly pulling away, then it may be that he is attracted to someone else. If he is thinking about being with another woman, he may be trying to find a way out of the relationship. If you notice that his habits are changing, he is no longer interested in sex, or if he becomes more secretive and rarely spends time with you, then he may have found someone else.
Answer: Cut him loose. If you think that he’s cheating on you or is interested in someone else, don’t pursue him. If you take the time to step back and he doesn’t show any effort to reel you back in, then, either way, it wasn’t meant to be. If you think that he’s attracted to another woman, find someone who will be fully committed to loving you.
#5 He is stressed out at work. Men are not like women. They are not multitaskers. If he is preoccupied with something like work, he probably isn’t capable of keeping his focus on two things at once. If you notice that he’s no longer as interested as he used to be, it’s important for you to start looking not only at his behavior but at what is going on with his family and work life as well. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you at all.
Answer: Don’t make the situation worse by putting more stress on his plate. Give him time to work out his other issues, and you can take that time to focus on you. The more you pressure him to let you in, the more you are going to be overloading his already overwhelmed psyche. 
#6 The hunt and chase are over. Men love a challenge. If his initial attraction to you was based on a conquest and he has now gotten you, then the thrill may be gone. It isn’t a conscious thing—it’s just that once he wins you over, he may feel that some of his virility is gone.
Answer: Remind him what he was chasing you for. Show him that just because he’s won over you doesn’t mean he gets to keep you. Instead of grovelling and chasing him, turn the tables and make him work to get you back. If you remind him that you can be just fine without him, he’s likely to begin the hunt and chase all over again.
#7 He has low self-esteem. If you’ve been together for a while and things have not gone financially the way that he thought they would, he may be feeling inadequate. When a man feels like he can’t provide the way that he wants to, the pressure of being with someone he loves can become overwhelming. Transferring his feelings of inadequacy to you, he may unwittingly be pulling away due to his own feelings of inadequacy, blaming you for his failures.
Answer: If he’s feeling low about himself, then the last thing you want to do is make him feel even worse by being upset all the time. The only thing you can do is to hang on, try to boost his confidence, and encourage him to follow this dreams. Being supportive will help him to feel accomplished and will let him know that you are happy with him and have all that you could need.
#8 You are at different stages of the relationship. There are varying levels of a relationship, and if you are on stage 10, but he is still stuck at stage 3, he may be pulling back because he just isn’t ready or capable of being where you are. There are all different reasons why people aren’t willing to commit. If he’s not and he senses that you are, he is going to try to pull away and find some space.
Answer: You can’t make someone be at the same place as you. The only thing you can do is give him the space he needs to figure out if he wants to join you or move on. Let him go and figure things out, and if he is ready to move forward with you, he’ll let you know. Pushing him is only going to drive him farther away and will make him think you aren’t the one. 
#9 He knows it isn’t right but doesn’t know how to tell you. He may love you but may not be in love with you. Yes, that sounds like a cliché, but it’s a real thing. He cares a great deal for you, but that romantic love for you just may not be there. That last thing he wants to do is hurt your feelings, so he may become distant while he tries to figure out how to approach you about it.
Answer: Stop trying to make something happen when it isn’t right. Most women who find themselves in this position know in their heart that something isn’t right. Instead of pursuing him to find out what’s going on with him, it may be time for you to find that person inside of you who knows you deserve someone who is completely into you, not just staying to avoid hurting your feelings. 
Relationships are complicated and can be made even more so when your man pulls away and isolates you from his thoughts and feelings. The worst thing you can do is overreact or aggressively try to pry his emotions from him. As hard as it is, step back, give him space, and take the time to focus on your own feelings and wellbeing.
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Saturday 11 March 2017

How To Get A Second Date, When You’ve No Idea What You’re Doing

Be yourself, well mannered and smile !!     .........Susan


How To Get A Second Date, When You’ve No Idea What You’re Doing

When it comes to dating, it’s worth knowing that everyone gets it wrong sometimes. No-one is ever taught how to date, it’s just something we’re expected to know and, unfortunately, as much as we’d like it to be, it’s never like it is in the movies!
One of the reasons dating has become so confusing is the massive change in gender roles of the past few years. Years ago, whilst dating still wasn’t perfect, everyone knew where they stood. Men were expected to ask a woman out, hold the door for her, pull out her chair, and pay the bill. But, as more women entered the workplace, increasing their spending power, confidence, and their chance for equality not just at work but at home as well, these traditions began to fall out of fashion. Nowadays it’s not a given that men will cover the bill. And, while I’m sure every woman likes a bit of chivalry once in a while, having your chair pulled out for you in a restaurant can feel awfully archaic.
So, in 2017, who should be doing what? Is it OK for a women to ask out a man? Should the bill be split 50/50 or broken down by what each person had? Add to this the fact that the dating landscape has changed with the introduction of apps and dating quizes and the whole dating game is a bit of a nightmare.
Fortunately, making mistakes when dating is common, so if you feel like you don’t quite know what you’re doing you’re not the only one. People from all over the globe are facing the same dating challenges and dilemmas; no nationality, culture or ethnicity is immune. And, while some mistakes are common everywhere, other mistakes tend to be unique to a specific culture or ethnicity.
There is lots of confusion, angst and turmoil. To add to the confusion, we’re constantly bombarded with conflicting dating advice too.
Despite this, everyone is doing the best they can. Ultimately, we’re all looking for love because we all want to be happy. We’re all seeking that connection with someone. Getting that all-important second date.
Dating is a numbers games and many of your first dates won’t make it to a second date. This is completely normal. That said, here are a couple of things you can do to increase your dating success:

1) Make an effort. Don’t turn up to a date in your work clothes or worse in your gym kit. 
2) Stay away from ‘no go’ topics, for example, don’t talk about politics, religion, sex, or about past relationships. And stay away from anything negative too. Instead, try and stick to light and fun topic areas.

Friday 10 March 2017

Online Sexting: 10 Biggest Sexting Rules You Should Never Ignore

'Sexting is flirty hints of whats to come ! 
 It has be written that new research shows that sending raunchy texts to your partner can ignite things between the sheets. It can boast confidence, strengthen your relationship and be  fun at the same time.
However always be aware of what you say and do and with who, because things can have a habit of coming back and biting you.  ENJOY '    ........... Susan

Online Sexting: 10 Biggest Sexting Rules You Should Never Ignore

There is a fine line that you have to balance if you want to make online sexting effective, yet stay safe at the same time. Here’s how to do it.

Online sexting is something many couples use to stay connected when they can’t actually be together. And truth be told, it’s very useful. It can help forge that bond of intimacy that you wouldn’t otherwise get when you’re forced to be apart for a while.
However, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t come without some hardships here and there. First, while most couples use online sexting, there are people out there who use sexting as a means of growing closer with someone new and bringing out that flirty vibe. As you can imagine, this can come with some issues.
The dangers of sexting
While sexting should be done with someone you fully trust, there are still risks you take every time you send a naughty text. You can’t make those risks disappear completely, but you can do things to limit them.
The truth about online sexting is that it’s a little dangerous to be so vulnerable on the internet nowadays. People can hack devices, steal pictures, and even take conversations and post them for others to see. For that reason, you have to be safe about the way you sext, while still making your sexts just as effective. 
Rules for effective and safe online texting
As you can imagine, being safe while making your sexts hot and erotic can be a bit of a challenge. However, there are ways you can still sext your lover while ensuring you’re being completely safe with yourself and protecting your privacy.
No matter who you’re sexting, always use these rules, because even if you want to send something to your husband or wife, there are still people out there who could get a hold of those sexts and violate your privacy. In order to make online sexting effective while keeping yourself safe, follow these rules.
#1 Trust your partner. This should be the most obvious thing when it comes to online sexting, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t truly trust their partner but still send them sexts anyways.
The truth is that when you sext someone, you’re giving them full power to violate your privacy and show a ton of people. So, make sure you truly trust your significant other to NOT show all their friends your sext before sending it in the first place.
#2 Use code names. Don’t use your real names when sexting your partners. In fact, keep them in your phone under a completely different name if you want to add to the safety of your sexts.
Not only can this be really fun foreplay, but it’ll also make it really difficult for people to know it’s you if any information does get leaked. As long as they’re completely random, they should work.
#3 Don’t show your face. Online sexting usually means sending your lover naughty pictures of yourself in order to get them in the mood. While this is perfectly fine, you’ll want to use precautions to ensure people can’t actually tell it’s you in the photo.
That being said, don’t put your face in any naughty pictures. Your significant other will get just as much pleasure out of it whether or not your face is visible, and you can rest easy knowing there isn’t really a way for anyone to tell it’s actually you. 
#4 Use your own code words for activities. If you really want to take safety up another notch, you can use a code word for more than just each other’s names. You can use code words for your naughty activities you want to sext about so no one will know what you really mean.
By doing this, it’ll look like you’re having a regular conversation, but to the both of you, it’ll be secretly really sexy and fun. This can even add to the excitement knowing nobody else knows just what you’re saying to each other.
#5 Avoid doing so when drinking. Drinking and online sexting is never a good idea. Although you may be tempted to have a few before online sexting to calm the nerves, it’ll always end in disaster. Why?
Because when you’re drinking, you’re just not thinking clearly. This means you’ll be sloppier in your safety, and you’ll probably do something that can compromise your privacy. Like sending an online sext to the wrong person. 
#6 Delete the photos after. If you do end up taking photos of yourself and sending them to your lover, you should delete them afterwards. That way, the images won’t remain on your phone for others to accidentally come across or for hackers to steal.
You should always make sure to delete them from your iCloud and any other device that may have saved them internally. Deleting them from every source is vital to keeping your online sexting life private and safe.
#7 Don’t do online sexting at work. This is just a rule that everyone should follow for their own benefit. Sure, work can be a really boring place, and it might be fun to keep yourself entertained by online sexting your significant other.
However, you’re at work. You’re in a professional environment, and there are just far too many things that can go wrong. You can send it to the wrong person. You could be caught by your boss. You could even be fired for doing “personal work” while at your job. Just avoid it. 
#8 Only use your personal, secure devices. This won’t stop every perv from hacking your device and trying to steal your sexts, but using a device that’s not secure will make it a hell of a lot easier for someone to take your information.
For that reason, only use devices that will always stay in your possession. Don’t even use a family computer or tablet that you know others in the family will use. Stick to your cell phone, your personal tablet, or your laptop for online sexting.
#9 Hide the background. As much as you should hide your face in a sexting photo, you should also try to hide the background of the image, too. That being said, when you send a sext, try your best to make the majority of the photo all the good stuff and less background space.
Not only will your lover like how upfront and close it is, you’ll also reduce the risk of others finding out who you are by the things in your apartment or house. Believe it or not, you can tell a lot about a person by what’s in the background.
#10 Use an alternative app. Instead of using texting or emailing directly, try an app developed specifically for online sexting. There are quite a few out there that use extra security encryptions that protect your information, photos, and conversations better than your normal system can.
However, always practice the same type of caution in the apps as you would anywhere else because you never know what could happen. Safety should be first when it comes to online sexting.