Dating in the 21st Century From a Woman’s Perspective

Dating in the 21st Century From a Woman’s Perspective

It has been brought to my attention the feeble attempts of the new dating scene on 2013. In hearing about a girl getting taken out– the couple has a good time; the female gets called back after three days and wasn’t asked out on another date– now there goes the friend for the swoop in and reap the benefits of the still available for the snatching female! While the other fellow is kicking himself for not stepping up to the plate, time to clear things up a bit in the dating scene from a female perspective and the insane expectations bestowed upon the gender bender.

In the dating game like in relationships women need reassurance. The whole three-day-waiting game to call her is a pretty moderate time frame for her to get all worried and bothered and super excited when you can, but don’t call if you’re not going to ask her out on another date. And if you want to ask her out again then do it if you want! Don’t wait! The opportunity is probably there and if you find out it’s not, pick up the pride and move on. Because if you wait too long, the woman will more than likely completely drop you off her dating radius; you snooze you lose.

I know it gets old hearing that girls love when a guy opens a door. But we absolutely adore it! There’s a point where a girls expectations becomes a little ridiculous like having you flip the bill every single time you go out, opening her car door for her, cooking her dinner constantly or having to choose the dates every time you go out. Let’s face it. Pampering your lady gets exhausting and insanely expensive for you guys. Not saying you can’t handle it but a break of the expectations would be nice. Would it not?

Number one concern of mine personally is why do we use so much technology in communicating? Aren’t things more upfront and personal if you approach someone to ask them out? Why text them? It’s the most superficial for of caring and communication I have ever encountered. Plus phone calls would take less time and be less annoying than a buzz in your pocket every minute. As a female I appreciate more when my boyfriend calls when he can, than when he texts me every few minutes. Maybe it’s just me, but I also cherish those conversations more than the text messages I receive saying “Yup”. If you can also meet in person, do it! Talk about up close and personal! Body language can tell you more than a phone call or text message can! Try it for once and you might learn something about your date or significant other.

Ladies, it’s a new age I hate to say. Chivalry isn’t 100 percent dead, but maybe if we ladies pitch in every once in a while we wouldn’t have such insane stereotypes of being incapable and dumb. Take your man to that sports game he’s been talking about the last month, take him to a movie, pick his sexy face up on his doorstep and get the door for him. And flip the bill for his favorite restaurant.

Mentioning of restaurants and dates, when someone takes you out don’t order the most expensive meal on the menu! Don’t get that ridiculously priced drink! CONSIDERATION PEOPLE! I have a friend who was taken to a fancy seafood joint, who ordered a salmon dinner with three margaritas and she had no idea why he didn’t call her back. Hello! You stacked his bill higher than his wages in a day’s shift! Take that tip and put it in your pocket. Being aware of your actions can show a lot to a man or a woman.

Dating and relationships are both adventures of give and take and to see if sparks fly. I’m not saying we should have lower expectations, but a more level understanding of how we affect the opposite gender and how we thrive off of one another. If a girl wants to ask a guy out, break down those barriers and try it! Making more of an effort to physically confront one another means more than a phone call or a text and by having high expectations we dig ourselves a massive hole we can barely climb out of. And being aware of one’s means financially and emotionally can go a longer ways than one can comprehend. Good luck in these cold times to find someone to trustingly snuggle up to with some hot cocoa!

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Understanding Relationship Ego

You and your husband haven't spoken to each other since last week. There are major ego issues between you and him. You wonder what has happened to your relationship. How does that love disappeared and ego took its place? Whatever the reasons are but whenever ego creeps in a relationship, life looks like a curse. Understanding relationship ego is very important for any relationship to grow in a healthy way. 

You both have to understand that a bad ego is always harmful for your life. None of relationships are successful without understanding relationship ego. It is necessary to understand the reasons which are taking toll on your relationship. You have to develop an understanding for each other and deal with each other's ego problems. 

Let's have a look on the ways and important things that you should keep in mind to understand relationship ego: 

Judging each other is of no use 

Judging each other all the time is the worst thing that one does in a relationship. All relationships demand something from you and everyone try their best. And even after trying when other person judges you, the ego creeps in. 

Everyone needs space 

Although, you are in a relationship but all of us want our own space. Give each other some space. It is the best way to nurture any relationship. When you give each other space and time, it helps both of you understand the relationship ego. 

There is always a middle path 

When you are in a relationship, you have to compromise very often. Rather than taking these compromises on your ego, feel that they are a middle path or common grounds where you both are satisfied. Both of you have to give in something for this relationship. 

Empathize when you feel bad 

Understanding relationship ego is not simple thing but when you are able to empathize what the other person is feeling, it becomes easier. Ego blocks our vision and you don't want to see the truth. But if you put your ego little aside and feel your partner's problem, it will definitely help you. 

Discuss with friends 

Sometimes, both of you get stuck in your own world and see only negativity in each other. Talk to your good friends and other couples. As your friends will have a different perspective, it helps you a lot to understand the ego problems in your relationship. 

Life is very beautiful 

Stay positive and believe that life is always wonderful and not worth wasting for such stupid and silly ego issues. You both love each other and can avoid and forget about the bygone things. If there is love between you, you can forgive each other. Love is the key. 

Face the truth 

Yes, before coming to any conclusion, make sure if there is true between you. Was your marriage a compromise or you tied the knots out of love! No matter what, but sometimes you do not want to stay together. Face the truth and take the right decision rather than being skeptical of each other all the time.

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Falling in love costs you friends

Falling in love comes at the cost of losing two close friends, a study says.

We probably all know that a passionate new relationship can leave you little time for others, but now science has put some numbers on the observation.

Oxford University researchers asked people about their inner core of friendships and how this number changed when romance entered the equation.

They found the core, which numbers about five people, dropped by two as a new lover came to dominate daily life.

“People who are in romantic relationships – instead of having the typical five [individuals] on average, they only have four in that circle,” explained Robin Dunbar, a professor of evolutionary anthropology at Oxford.

“And bearing in mind that one of those is the new person that’s come into your life, it means you’ve had to give up two others.”

The research, which has only recently been submitted for publication, was presented to the British Science Festival at Aston University.

Professor Dunbar’s group studies social networks and how we manage their size and composition.

He has previously shown that the maximum number of friends it is realistically possible to engage is about 150. On the social networking site Facebook, for example, people will typically have 120-130 friends.

This number can be divided into progressively smaller groups, with an inner clique numbering between four and six.

These are people who we see at least once a week; people we go to at moments of crisis. The next layer out are the people we see about once a month – the “sympathy group”. They are all the people who, if they died tomorrow, we would miss and be upset about. 

In the latest study, the team questioned 540 participants, aged 18 and over, about their relationships and the strain those relationships came under when a new romantic engagement was started.

The results confirmed the widely held view that love can lead to a smaller support network, with typically one family member and one friend being pushed out to accommodate the new lover.

“The intimacy of a relationship – your emotional engagement with it – correlates very tightly with the frequency of your interactions with those individuals,” observed Professor Dunbar.

“If you don’t see people, the emotional engagement starts to drop off, and quickly.

“What I suspect happens is that your attention is so wholly focused on your romantic partner that you just don’t get to see the other folks you have a lot to do with, and therefore some of those relationships just start to deteriorate and drop down into the layer below.”

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Why Marital Therapy Often Fails

Why Marital Therapy Often Fails

Stacy and George walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex-wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes spent embroiled in a detailed account of their battle only fired up their anger – and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not coming back. 

Gary Neuman regular Oprah guest

What went wrong? Too many struggling couples never seek therapy. But for many that do, marital counseling falls short. It’s easy to say it’s the couple’s fault; they weren’t committed enough, didn’t give it enough time or one spouse never had his or her heart in it in the first place. Any one of these reasons could be spot on, but doesn’t explain the whole story. 

Marriage therapy fails for some clear significant reasons: 

The Therapist Has Little Direction. This is the worst problem of all. Many therapists are good listeners, a crucial skill. But marital therapy needs a measure of leadership, and skilled listening has to be quickly and effectively turned into a deeper understanding of each spouse. Spouses in crisis are looking for direction, concrete steps to help them mend their problems. Through listening, the counselor needs to quickly assess what has gone wrong, explain this theory to the couple and chart a course for change. 

The course doesn’t have to be completely figured out but must include an action plan and a time frame to accomplish the goals. In Stacy and George’s case, they had to be shown that the problem wasn’t his ex, but rather the lack of love Stacy was feeling from George. George had to recognize what he needed to change in order to help Stacy feel more part of a team instead of making her feel isolated. Stacy needed to recognize that her intensity and poor communication made George feel attacked, causing him to act defensively. These are serious issues that they needed to start discussing while learning specific tools to combat them. It would have led them to have greater insight on other issues as well. 

Spouses Aren’t Asked to Confront Themselves. It’s helpful and often crucial for each spouse to understand his or her own relationship to love and marriage. The messages we receive from our parents’ interactions have everything to do with our expectations and actions in our marriage. There are therapists who believe one should not look to the past to explain or help change the present, but I find it necessary for each spouse to own his or her perspective so it can be examined and changed. We often act illogically and hurt our spouse when, in truth, all we want is happiness and love. Therapy is the place to start understanding the deeper reasons we might choose to behave in ways that don’t bring us all that warm love and fuzziness we say we want. 

There Isn’t Enough Time. I’m often given a preamble of years of marital discord with immense crisis and I’m supposed to follow up with, “Let’s spend 50-60 minutes and get to the heart of this.” The weekly therapeutic hour (this commonly translates to a mere 50 minutes) just isn’t enough time to even begin to really solve and heal intense marital strife. Couples see marriage therapists as the “expert.” It’s the therapist’s job to assess how much time is necessary to accomplish the goals of therapy. Too many therapists are skittish about sounding too pushy, too self serving, too hungry for client hours, when in truth it’s their job to give it to the couple straight and tell them what is the ideal course. If the couple chooses not to follow that course, the therapist can either decline to help them or agree to try it in the manner that the couple wishes. However, a therapist should not agree to anything that he/she feels doesn’t give the proper time needed to help significantly. 

My job is to turn this couple’s marriage around with changes that will last. I need to help them understand how much time is necessary for me to do that. I’m always happy to hear their thoughts and change my plan based on their circumstances, but I will often decline working with a couple if I feel there won’t be the time or commitment to make it happen. 

Therapy is Costly. It’s a simple fact that therapy costs add up quickly. If the therapy is the tool that saves a marriage and creates a healthier future, any amount of money is worth it. But unfortunately, therapy costs can become add additional stress to an already stressful situation. This is another reason the therapist should be up front about the projected amount of meetings and length of therapy. The couple needs to know the plan and be prepared for the costs involved.   

When considering therapy remember to ask yourself: 

1. Is my therapist offering enough clear direction? If you are in the midst of marital crisis, get the help that gives you the concrete plan you need and deserve. 

2. Are each of us being asked to confront ourselves and understand some deeper personal issues? 

3. Are we giving ourselves enough time and energy to make a critical difference? 

4. What is the approximate cost and are we prepared to go the distance with this therapeutic plan?   Your marriage has spun out of control. Getting it back on track will likely start with taking some control over your marital therapy.

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Why Young People in Japan Aren’t Having Sex

Why Young People in Japan Aren’t Having Sex

Japanese adolescents are opting out of sexual behavior. 

Young people in America often seem obsessed with dating, relationships, and sex. From hookups to friends-with-benefits to cohabitating to children before marriage, today’s couples aren’t afraid to make their own rules and create their own version of ‘happily ever after.’

However, sexual freedom and lack of inhibition in the bedroom isn’t a phenomenon that has spread worldwide. In fact, in Japan, young people seem firmly resolved to avoid sex and relationships altogether. The country is in the middle of what is being called a ‘celibacy epidemic.’

Not only are many young Japanese men and women single, but they are opting out of the pursuit of love altogether. 61% of single men and 49% of single women report that they are not dating, and 45% of women said that they despised by the thought of sexual contact. 25% of men said they felt the same way.

Many people blame this new celibacy trend on the changing social structures in Japan. Japanese women have finally been given the chance to excel in the workplace, and many of them have dedicated their lives to their careers. Japanese men, on the other hand, have been struggling to find work and be successful in this brave new world. As a result, dating and sex have become very complicated. Many Japanese men feel emasculated by successful and powerful women, while Japanese women don’t want to date a man who won’t allow them to work outside the home.

Japan also heavily discourages cohabitation and children outside wedlock. Many people live at home with their parents until they wed (or if they wed) meaning that young people often don’t have the space or privacy to enjoy a sexual relationship. Unlike American teenagers who often move out and live on their own during college and beyond, Japanese adolescents don’t have the same freedom. They might also not have the same encouragement to move out since it’s not part of their cultural expectations.

While many people are concerned about this new celibacy trend (as Japan’s birth rate has been dramatically falling), others say that it is just a natural transitional phase. Japan is a very modern country in many ways, but also one that has many traditional ideas about sex and marriage. And, like Americans, Japanese adolescents are very reliant on technology and virtual-reality relationships. This has greatly stunted their ability to date real life, and in fact, 1/3 of people under the age of 30 say they have never even been on a date.

Is there a way to get young Japanese people interested in dating and sex again? I think the issue cannot be rectified until men and women find a way to get past their gender expectations. While traditional family roles are desirable to many people (men and women included), millions of women do want to work outside the home.

It might take time for Japanese to slowly become more comfortable with these new gender roles, but once they do, I think dating will become more desirable to both sexes once again. After all, intimacy can be very nuanced and complicated, and sometimes it takes a little work and patience to get through dry spells.

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Maintaining a good sex life is difficult when faced with the pressures  of caring for an infant. Picture: Thinkstock Source: ThinkStock

Keep Your Relationship Strong After the Baby

THE birth of a first child can test even the strongest of relationships.

Yes, there's that sheer euphoria that you've created this new human life to which you channel your unconditional love. But is there enough love to go around?

Researchers at the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute in Victoria have been interviewing 1500 new mothers about their sexual health and intimacy as part of a longitudinal study. They found many women reported feeling less physically and emotionally satisfied in their relationship after childbirth and women were largely unprepared for the changes.

"Lifestyle changes associated with having a baby, loss of freedom and loss of time together as a couple are challenges for all new parents and can be overwhelming at times," they wrote. "For some women, motherhood and sexuality are experienced as contradictory roles." And most women said they had sex less often, even after 12 months, compared to before they fell pregnant, with intimacy taking a back seat to the love and energy being poured into their newborn.

Associate Professor Stephanie Brown, head of the Mother Infant Stream at the institute and one of the researchers on the Maternal Health Study, says many women also deal with body image issues which have an impact on their relationship. Breastfeeding was seen as unsexy and the physical recovery from childbirth, tiredness, pain and loss of libido all took their toll.

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"The focus of everybody's attention tends to go to the baby, but you need healthy mothers and healthy fathers to have healthy children," she says. Robin Barker, author of parenting bible, Baby Love (Pan Macmillan), says the birth of a child is one of the most testing times of a relationship.

"A lot of relationships stumble, even the good ones, after the euphoria wears off, but they tend to bounce back again," she says. "As things settle down and everyone gets a bit more sleep and works out how to share the workload, it can potentially create stronger relationships."

Couples who had rocky relationships to begin with tend to find a child only exacerbates the problems. "Everybody goes through hassles," Barker says. "Most, if you love each other and have a good foundation, will sort it out but it takes time. Try and get some time out as a couple and separately."

Anne Hollonds, psychologist and Relationships Australia chief executive, puts it bluntly: "The birth of a first child can be catastrophic to a relationship.

"It sounds dramatic, but it can be. Essentially, there is not enough emotional support to go around because both parents are completely overwhelmed. It's a real test of a partnership."

Relationships Australia runs a seminar called Expect the Unexpected, a health check-up of the relationship before the baby arrives, where couples look at their strengths and weaknesses, build on the strengths and address the weaknesses. Brisbane-based obstetrician and gynaecologist Dr Gino Pecoraro says there is life after a baby

"Things will change. The big thing is they are time poor, their sleep patterns are altered in the first few months and that's a great way to wreck your libido," says Pecoraro. "It's a challenge, but also one of the greatest things to strengthen a relationship. I tell patients their lives will never be the same again, but that this isn't a bad thing."

Some issues that cause tension, says Barker, include lack of sleep, sharing the workload, money and mortgage repayments when a couple switches to a single income, interfering grandparents and sex or the lack thereof.

"Sex is a big issue," says Barker. "It appears from many surveys that men get quite sex deprived. Women tend to not feel like it for a long time and men tend to suffer in silence. Some people go months, even years without; others start again quite early." Obstetricians generally discuss the resumption of a sex life with women at their six-week post-natal check-up. For some it's way too early, for others it's too late.

The Maternal Health Study found 40 per cent of women had attempted to have sex six weeks after birth, and after 12 weeks, that figure had doubled to 81 per cent. Three months after giving birth, tiredness was the most common issue women saw as affecting their sex life, at 88 per cent, followed by lack of time (72 per cent) and pain or tenderness (47 per cent).

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Professor Brown says it's important couples agree on priorities, "whether it's about sex, sleep or caring for the child and working out where sex is in that priority list". "Women could feel guilty because they're depriving their partner of sexual intimacy but when they discuss it with their partner, the partner didn't feel that way at all. It's important to talk about it as a couple."

Sex therapist and author Dr Rosie King says there's nothing like a new baby to disrupt a relationship. "You have to recognise there is a normal lull in sexual activity after a baby is born. Try to keep the relationship going in terms of affection. Be affectionate and loving and keep the goodwill going even if sex is on the backburner."

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Opposites Attract When it Comes to Love, But Only for Certain People: Study

Individual brain chemistry affects whether we're attracted to people who are like us, or opposite from us. Impulsive people tend to be drawn to other impulsive people, while analytical, competitive people often seek out softer, more nurturing partners, for example.

A new study from Rutgers University in the US probes the enduring mystery: why do we fall in love with one person and not another?

Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, suggests that the answer lies in your brain chemistry, LiveScience reports. She discussed her research recently at the Being Human conference in New Jersey.

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For that feel-good romantic feeling and sexual drive, we can thank brain chemicals such as dopamine and testosterone, she said. But a specific balance of chemicals shapes our personalities and affects the type of people we are drawn to romantically, the report said. Some of us like people who are more like us. For others, opposites attract.

LiveScience reports that Fisher scoured scientific literature to determine the brain chemicals associated with certain physiological traits and then formulated a personality assessment to determine which combination of chemicals is dominant in a given person. She administered the test to 28,000 people on a dating website and then watched to see whom they selected in their matches.

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Findings showed that people with "active dopamine systems tended to be reward-driven and impulsive, seeking out novelty and experience and getting bored easily," LiveScience writes. They also "tended to be curious, energetic, and mentally flexible, but not particularly introspective."

"They like their own type," Fisher said.

Serotonin also plays a role and is linked with personality types that are less anxious and more social. These types also tend to be more conscientious, religious, and drawn to people more like themselves.

But those with testosterone-dominant personalities -- often highly analytical and competitive -- tended to be drawn to people with personalities associated with high estrogen and oxytocin levels, who are more nurturing and introspective, the report said. The effect worked both ways, with the estrogen/oxytocin group being drawn to people who were more testosterone dominant.Still, while these factors may spark attraction and the flood of emotions in early love, what keeps a couple together? Fisher says it boils down to one skill: "the simple ability to overlook everything you cannot stand in someone," she said.

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How to Choose the Right Partner

Do you have an ideal partner sketched out in your head? Perhaps you have a shopping list of “must have” traits. If so, you are not alone. The most common characteristics people want in their partners include honesty, intelligence, sense of humor, stability, communication, and common hobbies and interests. Though men and women might seek similar traits in a partner, research has demonstrated that each gender focuses on different qualities. Men typically want a relationship that allows autonomy, while women look for a sense of connection.

To begin your quest to find the right partner, think about the traits and behaviors you prefer. Most people automatically think of superficial traits such as height or eye color. Though these traits may be important to you, other traits may also be more important when it comes to having a healthy, long-term relationship. Here is a list of some important qualities to consider:

Commitment to personal growth

• Interested in learning how to be a better person and partner.
• Aware of emotional baggage and weaknesses.
• Has personal goals for self-improvement.



Emotional Openness

• Aware of his or her own feelings.
• Able to express his or her feelings.
• Desires to share feelings with partner.



Integrity

• Honest with themselves.
• Honest with others and you.
• Does not play games about wants and feelings.



Maturity and Responsibility


• Maintains a clean house, pays bills and handles finances
• Ability to take care of themselves.
• Follows through on promises, shows up on time, does not let people down.
• Respects your boundaries, values, feelings, and time.



High Self-esteem

• Takes pride in themselves without being arrogant.
• Takes care of their health, living environment, car, and possessions.
• Does not allow other people to mistreat him/her.



Positive Attitude Towards Life

• Focuses on solutions instead of problems.
• Turns obstacles into opportunities.
• Sees the good in people and situations.

Consider some flaws that can be fatal to a relationship. Your partner might have one or more of these traits and still be capable of having a relationship.  According to Barbara DeAngelis, the following is a list of fatal flaws:

• Addictions
• Anger
• Feeling like a victim
• Control freak
• Has sexual dysfunction
• Hasn't grown up
• Emotionally unavailable
• Hasn't recovered from past relationships
• Has emotional damage from childhood

Analyze Yourself

Next, turn the examination inwards. Ask yourself what is holding you back from having a loving relationship. Perhaps you are hurt from a previous break-up. Maybe you are afraid of commitment. Identify these issues and find ways to resolve them. In addition, examine your previous relationships and learn from them. What mistakes did you make? What aspects of a previous relationship would you want to develop in a future relationship? Finally, examine other factors that might affect your partner choice: cultural norms, expectations of male and female roles, religious background, and socioeconomic status. What are your core values that you are not willing to bend or change?

Analyze Your Relationship

Once you are in a relationship, continue to examine your compatibility with your partner. Do not overlook compatibility issues in order to just “be in a relationship”. In other words, do not ignore warning signs of potential problems. Other mistakes include making compromises, such as eliminating activities you like because they don't find them interesting, or reducing your communication with family members or friends your partner dislikes. Evaluate your core value systems and determine if they mesh with your partners. These values are important to you and if your partner and you do not share these values, then there may always be arguments about these.

Talk to Your Partner

You should not be hesitant to ask your partner questions. It is important to learn not only about your partner, but also about your partner's relationship with his or her family. Learning about their family will provide better insights about your partner. Here is a list of questions you could ask:

• What do you like to do for fun? What did you do for fun when you were younger? How often do you get out and have fun? How much time per week do you take for leisure activities? What do you do when you want to relax? What do you like to do on vacation? What were your friendships like when you were growing up?
• How do you handle tough times? How have you handled some of the difficult situations in your life?
• What were your parents like when you were growing up? How did their opinions influence you, then and now? How did your parents get along? How have you changed over the years?
• What are your plans for the future? What are your attitudes and what is your style for handling money? Do you like to help with household chores? What do you like to talk about? What conversations do you like to avoid?

Take Your Time

Overall, be patient. It is critical to know your own values, wants, and needs before you enter a relationship. Take your time getting to know your partner's personality, history, value systems, and ideals to evaluate whether this is a quality relationship.

References:

1. James, J and Schlesinger, I. (1987). How to Choose the Right Partner? Addison- Wesley: Menlo Park, CA..
2. DeAngelis, B. (1992). Are You the One for Me? Delacorte Press: New York.

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For the Love of God, Just Break Up with Him Already!

There is a culture in our relationship-obsessed young women's world that has obfuscated a dark truth: We are so overly focused on fixing our relationships that we have become completely blind to the fact that we're in terrible relationships. We read articles and talk and think for days about how to improve ourselves, our boyfriends and the health of our relationships. We give advice and listen to stories. But all this has inured us to the fact that we're just dating the wrong guy.

Maybe if we actually told our friends this, many of us would have gotten out of relationships we wasted years trying to fix. As friends, we want to be supportive and often we're afraid of taking a stance against a friend's boyfriend, lest he turn into a fiancé and we find ourselves at the worst table at the wedding. But it's become so commonplace, I personally can't keep my mouth shut anymore.

Part of the blame for this is the conventionally accepted wisdom that we're supposed to "work on our relationships." Today, men are expected to change: to communicate and share feelings and compromise with us women. But up until the sixties, if there were problems in a relationship, the woman had to evaluate the relationship, including the problems, because she would have never entertained the hope that her husband might change into a more sensitive, communicative man. Today, we evaluate our relationships and assume we can fix these problems because we're told to talk things out and tell our men what we need from them. But we've ignored the most important part of working at relationships -- determining if we're in the right one.

We as women have deluded ourselves into believing that if we talk things out we can fix things and then we will have just the good portion of our relationship left. I hear friends say all the time, I just need to trust him more, then we'll be great, or once we figure out where to live, our relationship will be perfect, or he makes me so happy, except for [fill in the blank] which we'll fix by communicating better. But there is very little you end up fixing in a relationship. Your relationship very often has the same problems two years from now that you have today. So you need to evaluate your relationship assuming the problem won't be fixed. I'm not saying be pessimistic and forget about trying to work out problems. By all means, try. But suppose things aren't fixed, suppose he still can't deal with you making more money than him, or suppose you two still want to live in different places, or suppose you don't trust him any more than you do now, is this still the relationship you want to be in? Women used to have no choice but to evaluate relationships exactly as they are -- it was essentially an adhesion contract: Take it or leave it. Luckily, there is some room for negotiation these days. We can get men to talk with us and share more, maybe even get a manicure once before they die. But don't let this blind you to the fact that you might just be in a relationship that isn't right or isn't as good as one you could be in with someone else. I've had to give up talking to some of my friends about their relationships because every time I get on the phone with them, they're depressed about the same problems with the same men. And of course they can see fifty possible answers but none of them include the obvious: BREAK UP WITH HIM.

I used to think that finding the right person to be with was about finding the person in the world who makes you the happiest. And that if you achieve that feeling of such complete love and euphoria and bliss with someone, you know you're with the right person. But it turns out, you can even achieve that feeling with the wrong person. The trick is of those people you could potentially love, finding the one who also upsets you the least. I believe finding the right person is about choosing the person who not only makes you feel that euphoric aura of love, but who also doesn't make you cry. And so I give you:

TWELVE SIGNS YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM, yes even if you love him.

1. You Don't Trust Him 

If I hear one more friend tell me how she is learning to rebuild trust with her boyfriend because of some incident with another girl, I'm going to start losing friends. All the time, I hear girls discuss bouncing back from an incident where she went through his phone and found inappropriate texts or facebook messages where he was asking to be [expletive deleted] by another girl or simply obsessing about where he might be, every time she can't get a hold of him. Why are you torturing yourself every moment you are not with your boyfriend because of your lack of trust? There is way too much talk and focus on rebuilding trust. Trust is foundational. If you're in the beginning of a relationship and not married with no kids, you shouldn't be attempting to rebuild it. Just find someone else you don't have to build on a broken foundation with. Get in a relationship with someone you do trust!

2. You Often Feel Compelled to Snoop

You look through his phone call log. You read his text messages. You check his email. And you're never satisfied with what you find. Three weeks later, you're wondering if he's done something recently that he didn't tell you about, so you check again the moment he leaves you in the car with his phone while he's double parked. Worse than that, you blame yourself! You think the reason you do this is your own anxiety or because your Dad cheated on your mom or that you have trust issues and you believe you will be acting like this no matter whom you're in a relationship with. But have you considered that maybe it's not you? It's your relationship with him! Have you thought that perhaps if you are in a relationship with a different man, you might trust him so much that you won't feel compelled to snoop? So what are you waiting for?

3. You Want to Live in Different Places

Our relationship would be perfect, if only we could find a city where we both could have our dream jobs. I have a heard a variation of this for many years. This idea that you have a good, healthy relationship and that the location is just a logistical thing to figure out is a complete fallacy. If you can't both be happy in one location together, you do not have a happy relationship because by definition, one of you will always be in a place that you don't want to be in. Girls in this category are constantly evaluating a fictitious relationship in a dream world. STOP pretending you both are going to live in paradise! If your relationship is only good in the utopian place where you can live in a big city and work on Wall Street and at the same time he can till the soil on his farm far away from city lights, you two are just not meant for each other. If he will only be happy in his country, which is a continent away from the only place you want to work, stop imagining what your relationship would be like when you two are together. You need to start evaluating the relationship as it is -- in a place that actually exists. Logistics can sometime be a sign that you are not meant for each other.

4. You Cry Because of Your Relationship All the Time

You tell everyone you are in a great relationship. You love him and he loves you. But you cry often and easily and because of him. This is a huge sign. How do people miss this? And yet I did, too. It never occurred to me that I was crying because I was in a relationship I shouldn't have been in. I thought I was crying because I needed him to understand me more or we hadn't spent any quality time together or we hadn't had a chance to talk about last week's incident yet. But now, I can count on one hand the number of times my relationship has made me cry. So stop making excuses for why and take this as a sign you need to break up. And don't tell me it's because of your special circumstances -- you're unfulfilled in your job or in a depression or haven't found yourself yet. Wake-up, you're not the first person in the world to go through tough times. If you're crying all the time because of your man, stop telling yourself it's going to be better after the tough times. There will always be tough times. If you're crying over little things like hasn't texted you back, your missing the writing on the wall. Your relationship sucks. Because if it were just the fact that he didn't text you back, it wouldn't make you cry.

5. You Want Him To Have a Different Career

He's an actor/model/musician and he hasn't been paid for anything but waiting tables in eight years and you're hoping the two of you move back to Michigan and that he takes over his Dad's contracting business. Or he's on Wall Street working 100 hours a week and the two of you have imagined a life where he takes a job a 9 to 5 government job. Or your supporting him with two jobs until the brewery he's opening up takes off. Regardless of what it is, if you are imagining your life with him in a way that includes him having a different job, you need to stop fooling yourself. He may never give up on his music career. If you can be in a happy relationship while he's tending bar, enjoy your happy relationship. If your happiness is contingent upon his job changing, accept that you are not in a happy relationship.

6. You Want Him to Be More Thoughtful 

I used to constantly be hoping that my ex would make restaurant reservations. It didn't have to be anything fancy. I just for once wanted him to plan some time with me. Even when every once in a blue moon, he would remember to make reservations like on my birthday, I would still get upset that he only called the day of the dinner. I'd be mad at myself for caring and call myself a spoiled brat. But what I should have accepted was that it wasn't that I need a boyfriend to make reservations for dinner, it was indicative of how thoughtful and considerate he was of me in his life. Now, I could care less if my boyfriend makes reservations at a restaurant. Often he does well in advance, sometimes he doesn't and sometimes he makes them the day of. But he is constantly doing things that are thoughtful and considerate, so that if he doesn't make restaurant reservations, I could care less. If you go into birthdays and Valentine's Day hoping he will break the mold and do something special and then you get upset when he doesn't, you're not being superficial. You're hoping for something special because you feel ignored and under-appreciated all year. Find a guy who is thoughtful the entire year and you'll stop wasting all your energy hoping against hope that he'll finally prove how much he does care about you.

7. You Want Him to Compliment You More

You wish he complimented how you looked or told you why he loved you or just generally commented on everything you do for him. I used to constantly ask my ex to tell me he thought I looked pretty or liked the new dress I bought or that he was still attracted to me. These things are especially hard to give over time, and if you're twenty years into marriage I think this is a normal problem. But it should come easily early on. It's hard for the same man to make a woman feel desired over a long period of time. However, if you've only been dating a year or even a few and this is problematic, it's not going to get better. Early on, he should make you feel like there is no one in the world he desires more than you. And early on is longer than just the first time you sleep together. If this isn't good in the beginning, it's hard to see it ever getting better so ask yourself if you can accept his current level of compliment offerings and still be happy.

8. You Want Him to Be a Different Kind of Man

I have a good friend that went through a divorce at age 29. It's especially sad because in my opinion it could have been avoided. He came from a blue blood east coast background where men don't talk about how they feel. She was from a ribald Latino California family and she needed him to talk to her. Especially when their relationship underwent a lot of stress. She desperately needed him to communicate and even after therapy he still couldn't. She kept saying to me, "our relationship would be perfect if I could just get him to talk to me more and tell me how hard it is for me." But she never did. Because she couldn't get him to be a different type of person. If you're saying things are good except I need him to be different, things are not good. It's not meant to be.

9. You Want Him to Prioritize You More

If he acts like his job comes first and you're not okay with that, no amount of communicating with him will improve this. I notice this especially among people in their early twenties. Men are less likely to put their relationship in front of their careers, especially on the early side of 25. And yet most women in relationships need to feel like they are the number one priority in their man's life. This creates obvious dissatisfaction and can breed contempt for your partner. You have a right to be the most important thing in your partner's life. If he doesn't like that, it may be because you're not the most important thing in his life, regardless of what he says on occasion.

10. You Want Him to Enjoy the Things (or Even Any One Thing) That You Enjoy

You like to go surfing or hiking or on a bike ride. He likes to stay in and watch Seinfeld re-runs. You can easily love a person you have nothing in common with, and although it's true that opposites attract, research suggests that similarities are what make for a good relationship that can withstand the test of time. As passion dies, most couples will be left with a friendship. Friendships are hard to sustain if you don't enjoy the same activities. Telling yourself that he will learn to love to exercise or cook or leave the house is giving you a myopic view of the relationship you are in now. If he continues to only enjoy the things he enjoys now, is this still the relationship you want to be in?

11. You Don't Orgasm During Sex and He Has No Idea

You have sex. Often, in fact. He says it's the best sex he's ever had and tells his friends you have a great sex life. You tell him the same. Except that is a complete lie. You rarely, if ever, orgasm from your sex with him. It's not that it's bad. It's just that if you told him you needed your vibrator or your own hand in order to orgasm, he'd be so offended and it would be so damaging to his manhood and he'd be so crestfallen that your relationship would never recover. So you don't say anything. And you settle into a routine of faking every single orgasm and he has no clue. If you fake the majority of the time, it's not just that your sex is bad, it may be that your relationship is rotten, too.

12. You Are Staying in This Relationship Mainly for Premium Cable

Yes, HBO is expensive. I get that you can't afford to double your cable bill and that your boyfriend has every channel under the sun, but no television show, not even Game of Thrones,is worth your soul. So if every time you start thinking about breaking up with your beau you start considering your addiction to Girls and how you'll never find out what happens with Adam, let it go. If you need to ask him for his HBO Go password first, do it already. Premium channels do not a relationship make.

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15 Little Tips to Make Your Guy Feel Loved and Special

Are you looking for ways to make your boyfriend feel special? Use these 15 tips on how to make your guy feel loved, and he’ll love you more for it! 

Appreciation in a relationship always brings both lovers closer together.

As a lover, you’d want to feel appreciated by your guy.

And just like you, your guy too would want to feel loved and desired by you.

Subconsciously, every guy craves to be seen as a special someone in his girlfriend’s life.

Your guy could try to please you and woo you, but unless you display your appreciation back to him, it would always make him feel unloved.

[Read: 15 sweet ways to make your guy feel wanted in the relationship]

The need to make a lover feel loved and special

Many relationships break down because the guy in the relationship feels neglected.

Just as women need pampering and reassurance from her man now and then, men have the need to feel loved and wanted too.

Your guy may say he’d want a girl who’s independent, but yet, he’d secretly hope you’d be just a little more dependent on him, because he loves the fact that he’s wanted and intensely loved by you.

Often, men who feel unappreciated or unloved in a relationship *even if the woman truly loves him to bits* go astray in search of another woman who can show him just how much he’s loved and needed in her life. And this is especially common in relationships once the stage of infatuation transitions into the next stages of love. [Read: The nine stages of love every couple goes through]

The little ways to make your man feel special

The little things you do, and the way you respond to your guy when he does something nice for you is one of the easiest ways to make a guy feel loved.

Communicate with him, understand him and go out of your way to do something special for him now and then. Display your affection for him through sweet, little romantic gestures and most importantly, tell him just how much you love him every now and then.

As the months turn into years in a relationship, it’s easy to overlook the little gestures or even take them for granted. And just as you start to take things for granted, your husband or boyfriend too would simultaneously start to feel unloved and neglected in the relationship. [Read: 36 sweet and cute things to say to your boyfriend to make him smile!]

15 easy ways to make your guy feel loved and special

Sometimes, you don’t need words to show your love. Just use these 15 subtle ways to make your guy feel special and loved, and he’ll realize just how much he means to you, even if you don’t use a single word to describe your love for him!

#1 Don’t be critical. Every time your guy tries to do something, be it to impress you or to achieve something in his life, avoid being overly critical. Even if you don’t believe in his abilities, try to talk to him about the pros and cons instead of criticizing him for the things he does.

Criticism feels like a big blow, especially when it feels like an accusation instead of a word of advice. If there’s something you want to tell him, you can always advise him as long as you avoid scorning him or treating him like a spoiled child. [Read: 10 things you should never say to your guy ever!]

#2 Guys hate insecurity. If there’s one thing that makes a guy feel neglected and ordinary, it’s when the girl he loves treats him like he’s just another guy. Don’t ever neglect him or give him less attention when you’re talking to another guy, especially one who your guy perceives as a threat.

If you’re in love with your guy, never make him feel insecure or threatened in the relationship. Always make him feel special and let him know that he’s the most important guy in your life. [Read: 25 ways to make your man feel really happy every single day!]

#3 Stand up for him. When you’re in public and someone speaks disrespectfully to him, support your man and stand up for him even if you think your man’s in the wrong. You can always tell him in private about your own opposing opinions. When both of you are in public together, he’d see you as his pillar of strength and he would be crushed to see you oppose him or gang up on him with someone else.

#4 Compliment him. Compliment your man when he makes an effort to impress you. Be genuine in your appreciation and commend him for being a good man, praise his achievements and accomplishments and go easy on the negative criticisms. Your compliments matter a lot to your guy, because he’d always take your opinions into considerations, and it also makes him feel good about himself. [Read: 25 compliments for guys they’ll never ever forget!]

#5 Flirt with him in front of others. Your guy may feel awkward when you cling to his arms or give him a kiss in public. But as awkward as he may appear, he’d still love your public display of affection. Just watching the other guys stare at him with jealousy is a high very few things can match up to!

#6 Accept your mistakes. If you make a mistake, be graceful enough to accept it. Avoid trying to manipulate your guy or tricking him into giving in or believing it was his fault because your ego is too fragile to accept faults. Your guy may not say it out loud, but he may realize that he’s being manipulated and hate you for it. Learn to let go of your need to be right every single time. It only makes you seem more human. [Read: 12 discreet and subtle signs of a manipulative lover]

#7 Give him your support. Let your man know that you’ll always be there for him. If you see him busy working on something or searching for something frantically, offer to help him instead of just watching him while lazing on the couch. Offering your help, even if he declines it, shows that you care about him and are always eager to help him out of a fix.

#8 Look your best. Look good for your man, especially when both of you go out together. Dress up, smell great and look fabulous in his arms. And each time his friend or colleague drops his jaw in awe of you, your man will thank his lucky stars for dating a girl who’s as awesome as you! [Read: 18 cute ways to look pretty and catch every guy's eye!]

#9 Give him attention in public. If you’re not into public display of affection, you can always compensate for that by being a playful tease! While sitting in a restaurant, slide your foot close to his and rub his foot with yours from under the table when he’s talking to his friends. Lean into him or hold his hand when you’re walking down the street with him. Be playful and flirty even if you’re being discreet, and your guy will feel so much more special! [Read: 12 naughty bad girl traits every guy wants to see in his own girl]

#10 Surprise him. You give him something nice on his birthday and every other special occasion, right? Well, don’t stop at that! Surprise him every now and then with little sweet gestures like movie tickets, or tickets to a game, a set of power tools, and other things that might excite him. Slip it into his hands when both of you are having dinner or when both of you get into bed. The gifts may be inexpensive, but your gestures, well, they’d make him feel like a million bucks!

#11 Unexpected affection. Tiptoe to your man from behind and hug him when he’s reading something. Walk up to him and kiss his cheek, or stare at him from across the room and wink at him suggestively. Indulge in these funny, surprising acts of love every now and then. It’ll make him smile and laugh, and most of all, it’ll make his heart swell with love.

#12 Comparisons. Never compare your man in bad light with other men, especially when you’re trying to make a point. It’s a low blow that’ll hit him hard and make him feel miserable. He may already know his weaknesses, but when you point it out to him by comparing him to some other man, he’d feel smaller and very emasculated. [Read:14 things you say and do that emasculates your man]

#13 Listen to him. Do you ever argue over a point of view with your man? Heated debates are completely acceptable in a happy relationship. But when he’s trying to explain his point of view, try not to see red and yell at him. Listen to what he has to say completely even if you know you’re only going to disagree. Ignoring his opinions will only make him feel like you don’t care what he thinks.

#14 Communicate with him. Communication in a relationship is one of the most important aspects of a happy relationship. If you want your guy to feel loved and special, try to understand him better by communicating with him.

Play games with each other, discuss issues while watching television, pillow talk in bed, and ask each other naughty questions over the weekend. It’ll help you understand your man better, and most importantly, it’ll make him feel like you really care about him and want to understand him better. [Read: 30 naughty and fun questions to keep the spark alive in a relationship]

#15 Physical intimacy. Physical intimacy doesn’t always mean sex. More than just sexual intimacy, a happy relationship also requires non-sexual touches like cuddles to feel loved. Sit on his lap, play with his hair, or give him an occasional backrub when you have some time on your hands. When you touch your guy in a non-sexual way or play with him while sitting together, both of you will feel good, and he’ll definitely feel really special to have you in his life. [Read: 16 non-sexual touches to feel connected and loved]

Try these 15 tips on how to make your guy feel loved and special when you’re with your guy, and your guy will realize just how lucky he is to date a girl who’s as wonderful and awesome as you!

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