The 7 How-To's of Love Relationships

The 7 How-To's of Love Relationships

Relationships were meant to be the joyful journey of two loving people striving towards fulfillment and enlightenment. If only it were that simple. At times, relationships have this curious way of leaving us more confused, frustrated and dissatisfied than does being single. We love our partner but we don't understand them yet we want to work things out. Escalating emotions lead us to overreact and over analyze. It's complicated, at best. (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

As a psychologist, I've been confessed every relationship dilemma imaginable. Some require deep analysis and serious effort, while others benefit from a quick fix. From cheating scandals to bitter betrayals to being married for 30 years but sleeping in different beds, I've been taught one monumental lesson by my career: there is a solution to every single conceivable problem.

No matter how seemingly perfect, all relationships suffer from some cause for concern. Chances are, your love relationship is speckled with some of the more manageable issues which are both temporary and reparable if the right actions are taken. Reflect on these seven how-to's and apply my solutions to reach emotional prosperity in your partnership:

How to settle arguments. Contrary to what you've heard, arguments can be quite a productive force in relationships. That's because it's not so much about the initial argument as it is about the final agreement. This means that how you resolve your disagreements and the conclusions you reach far outweigh the dispute itself. Never leave feuds unfinished or let things "go away on their own." An argument which occurs once is bound to becoming a recurring source of conflict. Compromise to resolve disagreements once and for all by eliminating the catalyst of your hostility.

How to encourage better communication. Most couples complain of communication issues. Not listening is a roadblock which impedes mutual progress. Yet it's a common issue because both partners hold dearly onto their egos and would rather not have their opinions questioned. The key to communication is to invite your partner to talk first. Ask your partner a key question, which is likely to lead him or her to releasing his or her thoughts and emotions. Once you have listened openly without speaking, tell your partner that you're ready to share your point of view. Speak to your partner as if you were speaking to your best friend: uninhibited, unintimidated and unafraid.

How to resolve recurring issues. The first step in resolving recurring issues is to dig to the root of the problem. This means, for example, that your partner's emotional issues are not random, but might stem from some childhood experience or a deep-seated need to be mothered. Once you've discovered the origins of the issue, you must address and manage this underlying cause before you can put a stop to a persisting problem. Breaking patterns of negative action largely involves a process of healing, as we often act out when we are hurting subconsciously.

How to cut out external influences. In my practice, I have seen that external influences are oftentimes the hidden reason for conflict. We unknowingly invite all sorts of energies into our relationship: family, friends and even enemies all play a role in the fluctuating dynamic between us and our partner. Even worse, we can sometimes misperceive the intentions of others and think that they wish us well when they might not. Be wary of the influences you allow to seep into your relationship. As a rule of thumb, keep most secrets strictly between you and your significant other. Your love relationship is an incredibly intimate bond and its details are best left between only its two members.

How to regain trust. Trust is more easily broken than built. And once trust is lost, it can become particularly tricky to recover. Regaining trust in someone else requires that you first establish trust in yourself. Once you understand that you will never fail yourself, put your partner to the test. Give your partner a mental point for each trustworthy deed: being on time, doing as they promised, being honest, etc. In time, your trust will be built up once more to a healthy degree.

How to make progress. Progress is a two-person sport. Both partners have to be in accordance and want to move in the same direction. Progress also necessitates a conscious desire to change. And the most powerful way to facilitate change in another person is to change yourself. If your partner simply won't budge, consider modifying your own behavior. Assess the situation and understand what needs to be tweaked to improve your relationship. For instance, if you find yourself doing all the work, take a step back and see how your partner responds to the sudden decrease in effort from your part. Their subsequent actions will show you where they stand.

How to keep love alive. Maintaining that "spark" throughout the years is difficult to do. For many, love fizzles out and habit creeps in. But that fleeting feeling of newfound love can be reenacted through a medley of new and old activities. Push your partner and yourself out of your comfort zones. To start, go back to the beginning and do something you loved to do in the first few months of your relationship. Leave the cell phones at home and communicate throughout the activity. Then, try something completely new, something you've always wanted to try but perhaps haven't had time. There are no excuses to doing whatever it takes to keep love alive. (Read: Work woes: sex difficulties in busy people)

How to make your partner happy. There is no simple answer when it comes to making another person happy because there is no guarantee that, even if your partner is given what they want, they will be satisfied. But the only infallible act to keep someone content is to show them unconditional love. Our partner will do things which will downright upset us, but unconditional love should step in as the little voice that reassures, "It's okay, we can work through this." Small reminders of love -- such as a short sweet message or a hot meal after a long day -- work wonders in helping your significant other understand that they are cherished.

All relationships will experience bumps in the road, but most problems can be resolved through a combination of compromise and simple, pure love. The more effort both partners put into crafting their connection, the more loving rewards they will reap.

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Research proves love actually makes people dumber!

Love may not only make you blind but also cause you to lose focus! People who are in love are less able to focus and to perform tasks that require attention, a new study has found. Forty-three participants who had been in a relationship for less than half a year performed a number of tasks during which they had to discriminate irrelevant from relevant information as soon as possible. It appeared that the more in love they were, the less able they were to ignore the irrelevant information. Love intensity thus was related to how well someone is able to focus. There was no difference between men and women.

The participants listened to music that elicited romantic feelings and thought of a romantic event to intensify their love feelings. Participants also completed a questionnaire that was used to assess the intensity of their love feelings. The results of the study by Henk van Steenbergen and colleagues from Leiden University and the University of Maryland differed from results from previous studies. (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

Previous studies showed that the ability to ignore distracting information is required to maintain a long-term romantic relationship.

Being able to control oneself (also called ‘cognitive control’) and to resist temptations that could threaten the relationship is essential in long-term love, researchers said. In the study, the participants had become involved in a romantic relationship only a few months ago. ‘When you have just become involved in a romantic relationship you’ll probably find it harder to focus on other things because you spend a large part of your cognitive resources on thinking of your beloved,’ Van Steenbergen said. ‘For long-lasting love in a long-term relationship, on the other hand, it seems crucial to have proper cognitive control,’ said Van Steenbergen.

Over time, a balance between less and more cognitive control may be critical for a successful relationship. Van Steenbergen emphasises that the link between romantic love and cognitive control is a new area of research. ‘The reason why romantic love is associated with cognitive control is still unknown. It could be that lovers use all their cognitive resources to think about their beloved, which leaves them no resources to perform a boring task. (Read: What Turns You On? 10 Fascinating Facts About Sexual Attraction)

‘It could also be that the association goes in the opposite direction: people who have reduced cognitive control may experience more intense love feelings than people who have higher levels of cognitive control,’ said Van Steenbergen.

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8 Signs You Are Dating an Immature Man

8 Signs You Are Dating an Immature Man

Nothing can be more frustrating than being in a relationship with a man who isn't as mature as you are. Immaturity is a clear sign of emotional instability. Here's how you can suss out if your man fits that bill. 

Shies from commitment 
He may just not want to commit himself to anything in particular. Getting him to spend quality time with you is like getting a tooth pulled out. 

Never accepts mistakes
Instead, he resorts to pointing fingers at everybody. He's not the sort to readily accept the blame. And if in case you manage to hold him responsible for something, he will still find a way to brush off the blame. 

No steady job 
This man may never have a steady job. Instead you may always find him cribbing about work. Apart from this, you may feel that he lacks ambition and only talks big about himself. 

Never had a meaningful relationship 
When talking to you about past relationships, he may never mention a long-term one. Instead, he may just talk about one-night stands or a one that just lasted for a month. 

Is way too vulnerable 
You may often find your man breaking down at the drop of a hat. While it’s okay to feel upset sometimes, when you go overboard in a relationship, it breeds trouble. 

Is indecisive 
Says Pallavi Vaz, 28-yearold advertising professional, “Many times I have felt that I am the one constantly making decisions not only for the growth of our relationship, but also for him. He almost leaves every decision upto me, which is quite frustrating at times.” 

Is very inconsiderate 
You may find him to be very selfish at times. His priorities are way different and “more important” than yours. You may feel agitated when you find him only thinking about himself and not about anyone else. Further, he may not even take a minute to be rude to someone. 

Has no real life plans 
Your man may not have an idea about what he wants to do for a living. Says Devyani Parikh, 23-year-old media professional, “My boyfriend prefers to live his life on a day-to-day basis and take things as they come to him.” Such a guy couldcare less about his future or where he will be (personally and professionally) a couple of years down the line.

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Clinginess in a Relationship Increases the Chances of Cheating

Does your boyfriend or girlfriend HAVE to know where you are? NEED to sleep at your place? Facebook, GChat, Tweet and Snapchat (you don’t really mind the Snapchats…) nonstop? You may think you’ve got him or her wrapped around your little finger, but a recent study found that the more clingy someone is, the more likely they are to cheat.

Researchers at Florida State University surveyed 207 newlywed couples six times over four years. The pairs were asked about how secure they felt in their relationships, and if they ever felt urge find love, or lust, elsewhere.

The study found that those who were most afraid of their husband or wife leaving them, and fighting for attention in response, were more likely to be unfaithful.

Insecure spouses were also most likely to be cheated on. In other words, infidelity is most common when one or both partners are worried about losing the person they love. Kinda effed up, right?

These findings line up with another study, that concluded more independent or even “avoidant” couples were least likely to cheat.

In other words, get a life, your own life, if you’re looking for someone to share it with forever.

Read more: http://www.ryot.org/clingy-spouses-likely-cheat-study-says/461277#ixzz2k2gbNPFL

14 Tips for Overcoming Common Relationship Killers

14 Tips for Overcoming Common Relationship Killers

If you and your sweetie keep bumping heads, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. No two people view the world the exact same way, which makes it impossible for any relationship to be without issues. 

Instead of viewing conflict as a threat to your relationship, welcome it as a chance to grow closer and better understand one another. Here are 4 common relationship killers and some tips on how to work through them.

Relationship Killer #1: Poor Communication

Holding things in or worse -- giving your partner the silent treatment -- only builds resentment. You need to speak up when something is bothering you. But more importantly, you need to know how to effectively communicate the issue. Otherwise, you may end up causing even more damage. 

When having a tough conversation, keep these tips in mind to effectively communicate. Here are a few ways to do so: 

• Be tough on issues. Avoid making character attacks on your partner and instead focus discussing on specific behavior that is causing tension in the relationship. 
• Keep your emotions in check. Your words will resonate more with your partner if you remain calm. If things get too heated, take a time out until you're relaxed again. 
• Listen. Good communication is about more than getting your point across, it's also about being a good listener. Make sure your partner knows you're really hearing what they say -- maintain eye contact, nod, and ask questions to show that you're engaged. 
• Forget about "winning." Your objective should be resolving the issue, not being right. You only win if both people walk away satisfied with the outcome. 

Relationship Killer #2: Trust Issues

A little bit of jealousy in a relationship is expected and can even help build attraction by knowing that your partner is desired by others. But constant mistrust is a surefire way to breed insecurities and conflict that lead to the demise of a relationship. 

If your partner can't trust you:

• Show how much you care. Mistrust often arises when one person feels like they aren't getting enough love. Make a point to show more affection and support toward your partner. 
• Share more. It's easier to trust someone when you feel like you truly know them. Tell secrets, spill the details of your day, and talk about your past experiences. 

If you're the one having trouble trusting your partner:

• Identify why there is a lack of trust. Has certain behavior warranted suspicion from one partner, or is the mistrust stemming from bad experiences from childhood or past relationships?
• Work on yourself first. Insecurities often lead to a lack of trust in a relationship. If you're not happy with yourself, you will be more likely to imagine outside threats to the relationship. 

Relationship Killer #3: Money Differences

They say money can't buy you love, but it sure can destroy it. Many couples run into financial disagreement when one person is a spender and the other is a saver. Or one person is great at managing money, while the other one doesn't know how to balance a checkbook.

Money is like a four-letter word in many relationships. Being open about it is half the battle. Start by having a frank discussion about your values and differences when it comes to money. 

• Set long and short-term financial goals. These will give you something to work toward together, rather than just spending month to month with no common goal. 
• Develop a plan for how you will handle finances each month. Assign tasks so that one person isn't in charge of everything, like one person can track the monthly budget while the other one pays the bills each month. 
• Agree to always be honest about your spending. Never hide purchases, but also don't monitor how every dollar is being spent. Determine a personal allowance amount that you can each spend monthly without consulting one another.  

Relationship Killer #4: Not Enough Affection

Once the honeymoon phase ends, you may find you and your partner acting more like roommates than lovers. It's natural for the initial excitement of a relationship to wear off.

• Schedule date time. Bring the romance back by planning regular dates. Actually set a day in your calendar to spend time together, and stick to it. 
• Don't underestimate a hug. Even non-sexual physical touch can reignite the spark in your relationship. Make a point to touch each other more, like giving spontaneous hugs, snuggling on the couch, kissing each other goodbye, etc. 
• Know when to seek help. If physical problems are hindering your sex life, you may need to talk to your doctor or a therapist about solutions, like treatment for erectile dysfunction.

Once you accept that conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, you'll be quicker to deal with issues as they arise in a productive and mature way.

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Online Dating Study Shows Racial Prejudices Can be Easily Altered

Online Dating Study Shows Racial Prejudices Can be Easily Altered

As a graduate student at Harvard University, sociologist Kevin Lewis began working with a data set that tracked something that scientists had never really been able to systematically study: the earliest stages of courtship. By studying interactions in online dating, he could probe human flirtation in its natural environment in unprecedented detail. Who initiates the interaction? Who reciprocates? What happens next?

“This is just something people haven’t been able to do before because our data is on marriages or boyfriends and girlfriends. You have a couple, but you don’t see the back and forth that led to them being a couple,” said Lewis, now an assistant professor of sociology at the University of California, San Diego. “It’s like hanging out at a big nationwide bar and watching who walks up to who and asks to buy them a drink and who gets rebuffed.”

Lewis, working with data from the dating website OkCupid, was especially intrigued by a puzzling pattern in his data. In general, people were very likely to initiate an interaction with someone of their own race. But they were just as likely to respond to a message from a person from another race as their own. And in the week after replying to a person from another race, he found people were more likely to make amorous overtures to someone of another race, Lewis reported Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Lewis’ study wasn’t designed to probe the reason for these differences, but he sees a plausible mechanism in the expectations and biases we all carry around with us. Perhaps people expect rejection if they approach someone with a different racial background, so they do not reach out to those people online. Once flattered by an online advance from a person from a different racial background, however, they may rethink their bias and be more open to trying to initiate romance with people from different backgrounds.

Lewis looked only at the initial interactions between users, and can’t measure whether any of these interactions led to relationships. The increased openness to dating people of other races seems to wear off rather quickly. But Lewis said that the message of his study is an optimistic one—and it may be more broadly applicable than just thinking about racial prejudice in romantic relationships.

“Our own behavior can, in fact, impact the prejudices of others, even if it is a short-term effect,” Lewis said. “It says some degree of the biases we display are based on a false premise. We’re foregoing options because we don’t think the people would be interested in us and the data suggest otherwise.”

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Is an Office Romance Worth It?

Is an Office Romance Worth It?

When Stella first started dating Melvin, she wasn't surprised to find herself the subject of office gossip.

Everyone seemed to have an opinion on her and the romance and even things completely unrelated to her! The two ended up getting married but not after making the decision that she would leave the company and move to another job. Intertwining work with pleasure is dangerous business and can work both in your favour and against you.

The good: A recent survey revealed that four out of ten people admitted to marrying their office sweethearts and having successful marriages despite the speculation that they don't last. "One of the many advantages of seeing someone from your workplace is that you're always around each other and that gives you a chance to know each other better," says Andrea Barlow, sales executive, at a Mumbai-based firm, adding, "The one thing you need to keep in check is being discreet. On the practical side, if the relationship were to blossom and lead to something more, you'd end up saving a lot of money and time."

These covert rendezvous' have quite a few plus sides. To start with, the thrill makes work exciting and not just a tedious nine-to-five experience. Above that, however, you have the constant company of someone who understands an extremely essential part of you — your professional life. It's that unique connect that most couples strive to find and it goes a long way in cementing the foundations of your relationship.

The bad: Typically, the biggest worry is that taking your 'work to bed' is unethical and can go against company norms. "Indulging in a work romance can potentially ruin your performance at work. Ask yourself if you'd rather be known as the guy having a fling or the best performer of the company," says relationship writer and expert, Pooja Kadam. "Dating someone from work can also give way to a lot of insecurities and competition. If you're both equally work-oriented, you might end up chasing the same promotion and that

kind of rivalry, despite being professional, can be toxic for a relationship," she adds.

The ugly: Prepare yourself for the 'what if it doesn't work out' situation, which, needless to say will be awkward and painful. The best way to ensure that an office romance doesn't damage your reputation or work is to make sure that it doesn't get too messy and other people don't get involved. By doing so, you will only save yourself the pain of your career being put in jeopardy. If your 'secret relationship' turns out to be a disaster, you have to make an effort to be a professional through it all, which might be a painstaking task.

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