10 Ways To Love More and Hurt Less In Love

"This is sound and insightful advice"  -       Susan

10 Ways To Love More and Hurt Less In Love

At times, your partner may cause you grief. But if you learn these 10 ways to love more and hurt less, your love life will only get better by the day!

I was once in a very toxic relationship, not because of my partner, but because of me. I was the toxic and dangerous one, constantly polluting and poisoning all that was good between us. I was a control freak, always paranoid that he was not loyal and I had to have the last say in everything, be it an argument or a random philosophical discussion.

Obviously things ended, as he could no longer take my selfishness. When I look back on things, he must have really loved me to put up with my crap for so long. He was right in leaving, as no person should have to subject themselves to the hurt and pain inflicted on them by their partner.

His leaving sliced my heart in two, and it took me the longest time to understand why he left. At first, I blamed him for not being strong enough, then one day I had an epiphany and realised that it was I who was not strong enough to be a good person.

The lesson I took away from that tumultuous relationship was that I had to love more and hurt less. Things had to stop being all about me because in the end, a relationship is about two people being happy together.

How to love more and hurt less in love

At the end of the day, loving more and hurting less entails you being less selfish and apathetic when it comes to your partner’s feelings. Always remember that it takes two to clap and neither of you will ever be happy if you keep taking and not giving in return.

Your partner will be drained from all the one-sided effort being put into making the relationship work, so do not be surprised if you find yourself alone one day.

The more effort you put into making your partner happy without compromising the two of you, the more likely your partner will do the same in return. This will lead to a happier and more beneficial relationship for both of you. The key is to embracing the philosophy that calls for loving more and hurting less. Here are some things that you can embrace and practice once you decide to make a change for the better. 

#1 Give up control. In your attempt to make your relationship work, you may cling to your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend without even realising it. The need to control your loved one is a natural response when trying to steer the relationship somewhere you want it to go. Whether it is making it through a difficult financial period together, or learning to forgive each other for the all the nasty fights in the past, trying to control a relationship is normal.

You may have the best intentions in mind, but you have to remember that your attempts to control your loved one is hurting them more than anything else. Love cannot be possessed and it is ridiculous to think that you can own someone’s love. Stop trying to hurt your partner by controlling the flow of the relationship.

#2 Be mindful. You have to always be mindful of your partner’s feelings. You may think that after years together you know how your spouse behaves, but always remember that he or she is a separate being with personal thoughts and feelings. They are not a reflection of you.

Do not assume that you know what your partner wants just because you have been together for a long time. Your loved one is entitled to his or her own opinions, so please be mindful of the things you say and the decisions you make. 

#3 Have an open mind. If you want someone who thinks and behaves exactly as you do, you might as well date yourself. The whole purpose of being in a serious relationship with someone is to fill in the missing pieces and complete yourself. Although there is a high probability that your loved one shares the same goals and outlook on life as you, he or she should also have the freedom to have different opinions, beliefs and viewpoints.

Stop trying to change who they are and accept that they may think differently than you. Whether it is something major like a religious belief, or something small like wanting the living room to be painted eggshell yellow instead of beige, have an open mind and respect your differences, not attack them.

#4 Offer support. Whether it is something life changing like your husband wanting to give up his high powered banking position to be a scuba diving instructor, or something small like accompanying your wife to run errands after work even though both of you are exhausted, offering your partner support is one of the greatest ways of loving more and hurting less.

When you can selflessly prove that you care about someone else’s happiness and peace of mind more than your own, you will find that good things will come back to you and you will be happy.

#5 Say or do something nice daily. You should make an effort to say something nice and appreciative to your partner every day. Even better, couple your sweet words with actions. Whether it is sincerely telling your husband that you love him and appreciate all that he does for the family, or surprising your wife with a homemade chicken pot pie, saying something nice and proving that you mean it is the perfect way of loving more and hurting less.

Always remember that if you can appreciate the gesture, your partner probably will do too. Besides, who can ever get mad at you for serving them breakfast in bed or making an effort to change the sheets without being asked to? 

#6 Listen, don’t act. Sometimes, all it takes to love more is to listen and not react negatively. Instead of throwing a tantrum and blaming your girlfriend for screwing up the dinner reservations, just accept that a mistake was made and get over it. Also, instead of hunting down the colleague who backstabbed your husband at work, just listen to what your husband has to say and offer him moral support in whatever he decides to do next.

You have to give your spouse the freedom to make their own decisions and fix their own mistakes. Be as understanding as you can be by offering them a shoulder to cry on and two ears to listen. Sometimes, the best thing that you can do is to not do anything at all.

#7 Make room for change. Do not be afraid of change. As time goes by, we all grow in ways that we never imagined. The discovery of new experiences is a normal part of being human. Never blame your partner for wanting to do something different. Sure, it may be difficult to adjust to a new routine, but sometimes, change may be just what the doctor ordered. At the very least, you can say that you supported your partner’s decision.

However, only make positive changes. For example, it is fine if your spouse wants a fresh career start and is thinking about moving to a new city. There is nothing wrong with supporting each other in that sense. However, think twice about giving in to your partner if they want to practice an open relationship and sleep around. Think about whether it is something that you can stomach in the long term, if not, sit your partner down and calmly talk about it.

#8 Be vulnerable. Get off your high horse and stop the incessant need to be right all the time. There is a reason why some couples just cannot make things work. It is because both parties refuse to give in as they think it is a sign of weakness.

Sometimes, you just have to be the bigger person in an argument. There is nothing wrong with showing your vulnerability and admitting that you are wrong. It proves that you are human and contrary to what you may believe, your partner will love you more than ever before. 

#9 Share more. Another way to love more and hurt less is to communicate freely. Do not keep things from your partner. Rather, share your hopes, dreams and faults with them, no matter how unbelievable it may seem. When you open up the channels of communication, you will encourage your partner to do the same. This will result in an open and honest relationship, unmarred by lies and exaggerations. Just be the best version of yourself and everything will fall into place.

#10 Forgive. People make mistakes and your partner is no exception. You have to learn to let go of pent up anger and forgive your spouse. Whether it is something silly like not giving him hell for forgetting to pick up eggs on his way home, or something more serious like learning to forgive her for sleeping with her ex, forgiveness is the key to a happy relationship.

If you find that you cannot forgive your partner for wronging you, then you have to make the decision to leave because at the end of the day, you will both be unhappy. However, do not let your unhappiness stop you from trying as hard as you can to make things right

Being in a relationship is a learning experience and if you have the misfortune of not being able to make it work, look at it as a lesson learned. In the end, loving more and hurting less is not that difficult to do.

Always remember to put your loved one first, and to only get upset after you have put yourself in their shoes. Sometimes, things just happen for no reason and you have to rise above it all to maintain a happy and healthy relationship.

Learning to love more and hurt less in love isn’t about keeping count of who’s winning or who’s at a bigger advantage, it’s about learning to see your relationship from your lover’s eyes, and letting them know that you still care.

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Identical Twins Lucy And Anna DeCinque Defend Their Choice To Share A Boyfriend

"This relationship sounds like it could get complicated, what do you think?"   -  Susan

Anna and Lucy with boyfriend Ben

ANNA AND LUCY DECINQUE FACEBOOK

Identical Twins Lucy And Anna DeCinque Defend Their Choice To Share A Boyfriend

‘It just works.’

Identical twins Lucy and Anna De Cinque do everything together. They finish one another’s sentences, they share the same clothes and, rather controversially, they share a boyfriend. 

The twins have recently defended their relationship choices on Australian TV show ‘A Current Affair’, which aired on 10 March.

Speaking about their three-way relationship, they said: “People won’t agree to it and it’s not natural maybe some will think, but he’s happy, we’re happy, our family and friends accept it.”

The pair said they’d had separate boyfriends in the past, but it hadn’t worked because of their closeness. They added that sharing one now “just works”.

“Because we’re with each other 24/7, every single day, every minute of our life...it’s just much easier,” they said.

“He’s a twin and he understands the bond. He understands we want to be together all the time.

“He never favours one twin, if he kisses me, he’ll kiss my sister straight afterwards. There’s no jealousy.”

They explained that the three of them live together, with their mother.

“He’s surrounded by girls,” they laughed, before adding they both sleep with their boyfriend in a king-size bed.

The twins first went public with their boyfriend Ben Byrne in July 2014.

Byrne previously told Australia’s Woman’s Day magazine: “It’s my first time with two girlfriends, and to be honest it’s very difficult because it has to be 100% even.

“Whatever I do for one I have to do for the other, so it’s a fine balance. My mates reckon it’s a cool problem to have.”

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Should Asian Women Reveal their Sexual Past

"There does seem to be "double standards" amongst Asian men, but that can also be the case through many societies.  I think its best not to reveal all your past  at the start of any relationship, your past shouldn't matter, its the future thats important. So if in doubt about how your past might be received I would say: 'keep quiet".   -   Susan

Should Asian Women Reveal their Sexual Past

A group of British Asian friends were discussing marriage and expectations, when the question of sexual past of Asian women crept into the conversation.

Sameena, a business student, said:

“I think British Asian men find it hard to accept a woman who’s had past sexual relationships.”

“So, if you want to marry within your community it’s best not reveal your wild side.”

“I have to say I did not agree or believe this until I got married. I then realised it was best not tell him about my sexual past,” said Anita, a city banker.

Sameena, added:

“Why can’t Asian men accept women do have sex before marriage too?”

Sunny, a male lawyer said:

“As a guy I would say that it all depends on how many relationships she’s had.”

Reena, a student, said:

“See that’s exactly it! Why does it matter? If a man can have as many relationships as they want why can’t a woman? Why is the number a judgmental point?”

Manish, a young dentist, said:

“Women who reveal their sexual relationships like this can introduce doubt into the man’s mind about her fidelity. So, trust is tampered with even if she is just being up-front.”

Manoj, revealed his thoughts:

“I wouldn’t tell my future wife about my sexual past. I’d rather start fresh and not want to know her past.”

Sameena then highlighted a key point:

“The problem is an Asian guy can sleep around and do what he wants but he still wants the so called ‘virgin’ bride. He can’t cope with a woman who is sexually confident and independant.”

Reena, laughingly added:

“Imagine saying to him you want a threesome!”

They all laughed and conversation continued to debate the point.

This conversation triggers the question about the implications of an Asian woman revealing her sexual history.

Here are some Asian society and relationship challenges that could be affected by such a revelation.

Marriage Prospects

In a culture, where women who are divorced still find it hard to re-marry how does revealing a sexual past affect the chances of having a new trusting and happy relationship?

Most British Asian men and women would agree that dating does not necessarily mean it is going to lead to marriage. But if the during the date, she reveals her sexual past, does that impair her chances of marriage?

Asian men are often accused of having double standards. Because it’s okay for the guy to have had sex as he wants but not the woman.

If an Asian woman has had sexual relationships, the chances are she will be seen as ‘easy’ and not a contender for a serious relationship. Although she might have had less partners than the man!

She is perceived as the girl you would just date, have sexual fun with but definitely not introduce to the family for marriage.

The common trait of British Asian men having many sexual relationships with women but then finding a marriage partner from the homeland still happens.

But sex and porn are not as taboo as once upon a time in India, as our article on Porn and Indian Women unveils.

So, how does the Asian man cope with the homeland ‘bride’ who is sexually confident?

Although, this does not apply to all but for an Asian women looking at revealing her sexual history with marriage in mind, it is important to weigh up how it will be reflected upon on her and the future of a relationship.

If after knowing, the man decides to share the information with others, like family members, there is the huge danger of a tarnished reputation and family rejection.

Conditioning of Asian Men

Is it that the British Asian women who are educated, financially independent, strong-willed and also sexually confident are ‘scary’ for the Asian man?

According to the website badassyoungmen.com:

‘Men have been conditioned to believe that sex is a test of their skill in pleasing a woman but not of a woman’s skill in pleasing a man.’

This ‘conditioning’ most likely multiplied hundreds of times for Asian men and is automatically programmed into them culturally.

Asian Men are usually brought up to be ‘men’ culture wise and tend to follow family roots. Mostly in home environments where women play a very supportive but not lead role.

Therefore, an Asian woman revealing her sexual past can really challenge this ‘conditioning’.

Insecurities

Insecurities are a major reason why a relationship can be imbalanced.

For British Asians, insecurities can even be raised from a text message in a relationship.

Insecurity is dominated by fear in relationships. The fear of loss, not being good enough, being dumped for someone better and living in the ‘uncertain’.

Asian men can have insecurities which are mostly of a masculinity and status nature from not being physically strong enough to not having a big salary job to sexual competency.

So, if an Asian women reveals her sexual past then it’s possible that it could instigate insecurity issues in an Asian man.

Leading to secret sexual comparisons such as being better at sex than her ex(es), having a good body, being better endowed, giving better orgasms and so on.

So,  if she is not bothered or compares herself, it’s better she tells him before revealing her sexual history. Reassuring him that he is unique to her.

Jealousy

Jealousy also plays a huge role in Asian relationships. It can easily damage relationships through doubt.

From Innocent flirting to often talking about another guy at work or college can lead to huge rages of jealousy in Asian men. Even leading to suspicion and mistrust.

This happens vice-versa too but for Asian women to be doing it, it seems to be a bigger social issue.

Many Asian women would argue that they are doing nothing wrong and he has to accept that she can freely talk and be in the company of other men.

Completely acceptable in today’s society but not so easy to accept in the traditional Asian communities.

An Asian woman revealing her sexual past to a jealous partner will definitely lead to problems in the relationship, if not immediately, but later on, during arguments or misunderstandings.

One way to view it is, if as an Asian woman you are also the jealous type, then he surely will not be open to knowing about your sexual past.

Sexual Past Details

If an Asian woman reveals her sexual past then the amount of details she shares need attention.

As with any sexual information about a relationship, once you tell, it is likely you will get further questions from your partner. Because by nature, he will want to know as much as possible – so that he can weigh up what the past meant to you and if he is better.

This is where the decision to tell more or less can impact a relationship.

One rule is never to reveal intimacy in huge details. Especially, if an ex is around in some capacity. Otherwise, it will develop into huge suspicion that there is still something between you.

If the Asian woman tells lots about past sexual relationships, chances are whenever something goes wrong in the current relationship, he will begin to think you are cheating, that you are looking elsewhere or he is not good enough for you.

So, it is important to know what can be handled. Less is always more unless you are sure.

Overall, if you are in a respectful and balanced relationship where sex is easily discussed. Then, revealing your sexual past as an Asian woman should not hinder or affect the understanding and love you have as a couple and individuals.

Trust, respect, appreciation, understanding and not comparing the past to the present, are all attributes for a strong forward moving relationship. Sex plays an associative role in all of these. So, revealing any kind of sexual information must be fully assured by these.

However, if this is not the case, then it is important for the sake of the relationship you are are in or about to start like a marriage, that as an Asian woman you need to fully understand the implications of revealing your sexual past – for better or for worse.

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"Its nots always easy to run away from everything or everyone in your life that has a damaging effect on you.  But you can take control and deal with it in whatever way is good for you, by turning the negatives into positives. Try it, use the power you have inside of you".    -  Susan

3 Signs You're Not Depressed — You're Just Surrounded By Assh*les

Don't worry, it's not you.

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assh*les." —William Gibson

When I saw this quote on a friend's Facebook wall, I laughed out loud with delight and recognition. It hit me on a subconscious level. Why did I like it so much? I couldn't tell you. It even seemed wrong that I, a psychologist, would like the idea of blaming depression on others. And then there was the swearing bit.

But I did like it — a lot. Enough to share it on my Facebook wall. And others liked it — a lot. And I started asking myself, what is going on here?

People clearly related to this quote just like I did. I started thinking of my own life experience. How many times did the behaviour of others effect how I felt about myself? How many times did I have to leave relationships because of the damage they were doing to my self-esteem?

The different ways people can be assh*les are infinite. Here three top qualities for assh*le-ness that pop for me.

1. Assholes are happy in their stupidity.

And by stupid I don't mean unintelligent. Not being smart all the time can't be helped. No one can know everything about everything. I know nothing about fly-fishing except that it looks pretty when it's done right. Would I assume to teach someone, anyone, about fly-fishing? No. But that doesn't stop the assh*le.

The assh*le is deliberately, obtusely dumb and happy in their stupidity. Knowing nothing about fly-fishing doesn't stop them from lecturing you as if they were a prize-winning angler.

2.  Assholes are loud and obnoxious.

Can an assh*le be quiet and shy? Maybe, but not in my experience. Most a-holes aren't interested in the give and take of conversation. They monologue, take-over, shout, get into your personal space, and don't even realize they're doing it. Or maybe they do it on purpose to intimidate. Either way, not nice.

3. Assholes are selfish bullies.

Selfish is NOT the same a self-caring. The assh*le is self-centered in a way that's exclusive. The feelings, thoughts, input or contribution of others is minimized, cast aside, even ridiculed, in order to pump up their own sense of self-worth. It's sad really, if it didn't come with the stupidity and the loudness.

So why do assh*les make us feel depressed? If we're exposed repeatedly to assh*les, they can wear on our self-esteem.

Most of us are reared to be nice. Being nice means listening to others, sharing a conversation, pointing out the other person's good qualities, and reasonably expecting the other person to reciprocate. We respect others' opinions even if they aren't shared. We generally defer to authority. Nice people are slow to anger and tend to emphasise the positive (for everyone else, anyway).

Assh*les, however, make us feel like dopes for being nice. At first we might get angry, and if the assh*le is someone we only see once in a while we can be angry and get over it quickly. But if they're someone we see everyday at work or school, maintaining anger is very difficult.

Eventually, our self-esteem begins to erode leading to feelings of hopelessness, fatigue,sadness and depression. That's right: chronic emotional abuse can indeed lead to diagnosable depression.

Where do we find assh*oles? You can find them everywhere: at school, socially in your circle of friends, at church, at work and in the family. And here's what you can do about them:

1. Be honest with yourself. Give yourself permission to see the situation for what it is. Once you've identified that there's a person in your life who's harming you emotionally, you can begin the work of getting your self-esteem back.
2. Take action. Taking action is what's important. Even if you can't change the relationship because the assh*le is your brother, you can still take action.
3. Reduce your exposure. The action you choose to take may be to stop seeing that person, request a transfer to another office, or calling them less frequently. In extreme cases, you may decide you need to break up with them altogether.
4. Put into place healthy self-care strategies. That means keeping an eye on your sleep, eating and exercise habits. Spend time with people (and animals) you can count on that make you feel good about yourself.
5. Find a support system. Whether it's a therapist or a close friend, find someone who can help guide you through your assh*le recovery. If the damage done by assh*le exposure is deep, the journey to robust emotional health can be complicated. Be strong and get help.

Now that you know how to identify an assh*ole when you see them, it's time to pull yourself out of your feelings of depression and sadness, and live a life free of these toxic people.

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7 Dating Tips From the Recently Engaged

By LINDSAY TIGAR

One of my dearest friends in the world recently got engaged. When I found out her partner popped the question (in Italy, sigggh), my eyes welled up with those ever-so-happy tears and I couldn’t contain my excitement for her. It was one of those moments that I’ll never forget and one that, as a bridesmaid, I’ll remember when I see her walking down the aisle (in a dress I saw her try on!) in October. Her big day is special to me, obviously because she’s special to me, but also because she’s taught me so much about love.

Though we have very different dating histories — she met a wonderful man at 22 and dated him for four years before getting engaged and I’m one month into my first relationship since 2012 — we share one very important thing: we’re big suckers for love. And I mean love at it’s gooiest, most ridiculous, most amazing, most precious state. We savor the words, the sentiments, the gestures, the romance, and by being friends, we’ve been able to balance one another. I’m the rational to her irrational and she returns the favor when I go off the deep end too.

It’s always been an interesting dynamic asking her for dating advice when she never had the chance to play on Tinder or weed through bachelors in New York (I call her lucky, for the record, she calls me lucky for getting the experience). What I’ve learned from listening to her (even if I mentally roll my eyes from time-to-time) is that above all other things, and even in moments when it’s the hardest thing to believe in the whole wide world, love is out there. It’s big, it’s boundless, it’s magical. And it happens every damn day.

Whether or not you're not planning on getting married yourself, advice from those who put a ring on it or are wearing one can definitely come in handy in your love life. Here's the best love advice seven recently engaged folks have to offer:

1. Sparks Can Grow Over Time

"Never, ever discount the [person] who doesn't immediately give you sparks. The best relationship I've ever been in (with my fiancé) was a slow burn. Sparks come quickly but they fade just as quickly and they're flashy like fireworks so girls are drawn to them. But that's a mistake! Look for the [person] who gives you a slow and ever-increasing steady burn instead. Changing my mindset about this led me to the best partner of my life. -Andrea, engaged to Alexander since Valentine’s Day 2016 while on vacation. They met at a bar in Manhattan 3.5 years ago.

2. You Can Never Over Communicate

“Communicate often — and more than just text messages! Kyle and I were long distance for the first six months and fortunately we were able to see each other about every 3-4 weeks, but we didn't go a day without at least speaking on the phone. Also, get to know each other (like really get to know each other). Learn about each other's family, upbringing, friends, life pre-you, drinking habits, spending habits, etc. You'll be happy to know more about their life in the dating stage so you aren't surprised to learn things you dislike about them three years in.” — Hillary, engaged to Kyle on their second year anniversary on New Year’s Eve. They met through a mutual friend in Nashville 2.3 years ago.

3. Don’t Give Up

“No matter how many dates you go on or how often you feel like it’s not going to work out, just keep going. If every person was the ‘right person,’ than such a thing would never exist.” -Jenn, engaged to Dan since August 2015 in Italy. They met through mutual friends at a comedy show in New York four years ago.

4. Relationships Are Work

“First, understand that long-lasting relationships are hard work. The look for someone who understands that and will be willing to work with you through the good and the bad. Always consider the type of person you are least expected to date!” -Stephanie, engaged to Eric since 2015 while on a hike in California. They met through Stephanie’s ex-boyfriend 4.5 years ago.

5. Love Yourself First

“My best tip for single folks is to fall deeply in love with yourself first before you try to fall in love with anyone else. Have compassion for your own flaws and you will be able to become more empathetic for any partner you may have. Once you love yourself and know you're worth, you're more open and understanding of who has the ability to carry your heart with theirs. Self-love radiates from within, and is attractive to everyone.” -Michelle, engaged to Craig since Christmas Eve on 2015 while visiting the Blue Ridge Parkway. They met online four years ago.

6. Say What You Feel

“Don’t be afraid to voice when you are upset or think that something is wrong. If you can't talk about the hard things then you will never be able to build a lasting relationship." -Brad, engaged to Rachael since October 2015. They met online in 2011.

7. Be Confident

“Confidence is sexy and body language is everything. Stand up straight, don't cross your arms and let the chemistry flow naturally!” -Daphnie, engaged to Stuart since October 2015 at Signorello Vineyards in Napa. They met through a running club four years ago.

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