Showing posts with label intercourse. Show all posts

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Why Abstinence Should be The New Sex For Couples

Why Abstinence Should Be The New Sex For Couples

There's a lot of shame involved for people in a sexless relationship, and they're often made to feel abnormal, but a sexless marriage or relationship is actually more normal than you think.

Christine Schoenwald of Your Tango says most people have no problems sharing most of the details of their lives, from their meals to their post-sex faces, but there is really one aspect people really restrain themselves from sharing with the world - a sexless romantic relationship between couples.

Schoenwald talks about a couple Margaret and Steven (names changed) whom she spoke to, a couple in their early 50s, who live together, and in most respects have what most people would call a normal relationship except for the fact that they don't have sex.

"It's embarrassing," says Margaret, referring to when friends or family find out she and Steven don't share a bedroom.

"People think it's weird that we haven't had sex in over 11 years, and that we're not especially concerned about it."

There's a lot of shame involved for people in a sexless relationship, and they're often made to feel abnormal. But a sexless marriage or relationship is actually more normal than you think.

"We're extremely happy, and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else," Margaret continued.

Both she and Steven were content in their sexless relationship and didn't think that they needed to see a therapist or split up; they weren't broken and didn't need to be fixed.

"It hurts me when someone assumes that either Steven or I have a problem — that one of us is gay and can't come to terms with it, but that's not the case. We're definitely attracted to each other and enjoy being affectionate, it's just that neither one of us wants intercourse," says Margaret.

Do relationships need sex to be considered romantic, intimate, and healthy?

It seems as if that's the common belief, but more and more couples are staying together, even though they don't have sex anymore. What they do have is stability, companionship, and even a soulful love; just no or very little sex.

Not all relationships are exactly the same, and your relationship isn't weird if it's different from other people's. You may have alternative ways of staying connected, such as cuddling, kissing, and doing things together.

If both parties are okay without having sex, then it's a working relationship.

There are many reasons people may not want sex: they've had a drop in libido, they're too busy, too tired, or have medical issues that sex may exacerbate. Many women with endometriosis may experience pain during intercourse.

If you started to associate pain with sex, wouldn't you be grateful for a partner who understood and came up with other ways to express his affection? Lack of sex doesn't just happen to older couples, either; it can be the norm for younger ones, too.

The kind of sex you're having, or not having, shouldn't define who you are as a person. You may prefer masturbation to intercourse and that's great, as long as you're getting your needs satisfied.

You don't have to have sex to feel sexy and desirable, and you don't have to have a relationship according to other people's standards.

If a man isn't interested in sex, it doesn't mean that he's not masculine or that he’s cheating. There are many reasons a man may not want sex, such as Andropause (male menopause), low testosterone levels, and erectile dysfunction. Since these can be symptoms of undiagnosed health concerns, it's always a good idea to see a doctor.

People shouldn't be made to feel badly because they're not involved in a sexual relationship.

If your relationship works for you and your partner, that's all that matters. Just because many people have an active sex life that's a big part of their relationship, doesn't mean it has to be that way for you.

Not engaging in sexual activity doesn't mean you can't have passion and excitement in your life.

If you and your partner have come to a mutually agreed decision to not have sex, or to have sex somewhere along the line, your sex life just naturally decreased. Don't stress about it.

You can have a quality marriage or partnership without sex, no matter what other people might say.

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Saturday, 1 August 2015

Quickies, Tantra & Kink: The Different Kinds of Sex Every Couple Needs

Couples often wonder what kids of sex everyone else is having, and is the sex they are having "enough"? Not only in terms of frequency, but also in terms of the kinds of sex to be having. After all, couples don't want to miss out, if there's great sex out there to be had!

In terms of positions, there are many in the world - thousands of books beginning with the tao of sex and the Kama Sutra have been written and no doubt blogs and books about sexual positions will continue to be written. People love to explore their bodies and pathways to pleasure with one another. But sex isn't only about the position and the frequency. Generally speaking there are categories of sex, all of which keep your sex life spicy, varied and stimulating. Just as you wouldn't eat the same meal for dinner every night, or even eat only the same dessert, or listen to one song on a loop for years on end, sex needs some variety to keep it interesting - and that means changing it up more than how often you do it or who is on top.

Here sexologist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey lists the the types of sex you should have for a healthy, balanced and spicy sex life.

Quickie sex

Fast is not a bad word. It's just bad if it's the only word to describe your sex life. Sometimes, practically speaking, and for fun too, a quickie is just the thing to put some zip - or unzip - into your day!

Gourmet Sex

This is when you take longer and indulge in each other. Perhaps you play out a fantasy. Perhaps you start with a bath together and make an evening of it. Or maybe erotic massage is your thing. When you have longer than 30 minutes to spare, think about having long, drawn out sex that indulges your senses and stimulates you both from head to toe and everything in between.

No-sex sex

Sex without intercourse can often remind a couple what it was like at the beginning of their dating relationship, if they ever had a time when they weren't sexually intimate. But sex without intercourse also allows a couple to feel intimate without the pressure of penetration and intercourse, particularly if that has become a pattern. By having some sexual time together that doesn't involve intercourse, you become the ultimate creative couple in bed.

Morning sex

Testosterone levels tend to be highest in the morning and men, and women too, can feel a strong desire for sex in the morning. But often it isn't practical - the household is awake, the day feels like it must race on, work deadlines await, morning breath is, well, not the sexiest ... but all that aside, sometimes, it's the best way to start a day and feel loved and connected, rejuvenated and with an extra spark to you. Be open to it!

Kinky sex

Each couple needs to define kinky for themselves and kinky can mean different things at different ages and stages of a person's and couple's life. Experimentation helps couple to build on their intimacy and grow together ... and have fun together! Sex is your intimate recreation time together so try new things and laugh, or try new things and say, "Let's do that again!"

No orgasm sex

Have sex without the pressure of having an orgasm. It's okay to say that you don't climax every time, or that sometimes you just want to be generous to your partner, or be the receiver of some generous, lavish attention. There has been a great deal of pressure to define sex as "meeting the goal of orgasm" and preferably simultaneously that it takes some of the pleasure just purely from touching skin to skin and enjoying each other's touch for touch's sake, away. Sometimes, you can have foreplay or intercourse and orgasm doesn't have to be a goal

Spiritual sex

A lot of people are curious about things like tantric sex, which is, like other forms of "sacred sex", acknowledging the spiritual component of engaging with each other in a naked, intimate vulnerable way. Understanding as a couple that you choose to be this with one another, is not just a physical experience, but a deeply gratifying emotional one, and one all couples, however they do it, with feeling, will benefit from greatly, especially while they are naked. Emphasis is on breathing together, sharing your feelings, preparing a safe and loving, stimulating space for sex together and enjoying who your lover is, and not just how they touch you.

View original article here

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Friday, 21 February 2014

Do You Get Pain During Intercourse? (dyspareunia)

Painful intercourse (dyspareunia)

Sex is meant to be an enjoyable

and happy experience. If you

get pain, it isn't.

Do you get pain during intercourse? If so, then the odds are that you're a woman – though at the end of this article, you'll find advice for the small number of men who get intercourse pain.

A lot of women experience sexual pain. A recent Swedish survey suggested that it occurs in 9.3 per cent of females, with the incidence being higher among the young and inexperienced and relatively low among the over-50s.

It's not much fun having pain during intercourse. After all, sex is meant to be an enjoyable and happy experience. If you get pain, it isn't.

Fortunately, the trouble will often resolve if the man takes more time with love play so that the woman's vagina relaxes and her natural lubricant flows, and if the couple use one of the newer sex lubricants like Eros or Liquid Silk.

When to seek help

You can safely disregard one isolated episode of pain during sex. After all, it's easy to feel pain when a sensitive part of you is being prodded quite hard.

But if the pain keeps on happening, you shouldn't feel you have to put up with it. Get something done to improve things.

How? If you know that your GP is skilled at dealing with these matters, then he or she would be a good person to consult. But we have to admit that most family doctors are not trained in dealing with pain during intercourse.

It might be more realistic to go to your local family planning clinic. Many family planning clinic doctors (usually women) have spent a long time being trained by the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine (IPM) to deal with this type of pain.

Unfortunately, family planning clinics have become rather swamped with patients needing help, and they don’t have as much time as they used to for helping women with intercourse difficulties.

An alternative is to see a female IPM-trained doctor privately. There are also excellent NHS psychosexual clinics in some parts of the country - notably Sheffield, Preston, Paddington and Tooting.

A very good low-cost sexual counselling service is provided by both Relate and Relationships Scotland – formerly known as Relate Scotland.

Sometimes, simple advice about sexual 'positioning' can help.

At a medical conference in 2011, Dr Peter Greenhouse of the Bristol Sexual Health Centre revealed that many patients with intercourse pain due to endometriosis can benefit from positions that avoid deep penetration, such as the 'spoons' position or the 'male astride' one.

The emotional factor

In a minute, we'll look at the possible causes of intercourse pain, or dyspareunia, to give it its medical name. But it's important to realise that there is often usually some emotional element in this problem.

If you experience pain during sex, it's almost certain to be distressing for you. This distress may well make you tighten up down below. And this tightening up will very likely make the pain worse next time.

Unfortunately, painful intercourse can often have a destructive emotional effect on a relationship. Sometimes couples split up because of it. So that's a clear reason why you should get the problem sorted out as soon as possible.

What causes it?

There are dozens of possible causes of dyspareunia. Fortunately, many of them aren't too serious, but a few are.

Ideally, the assessment should be done by a doctor who is skilled in the technique of vaginal examination.

One of the first things to establish is: is the pain deep inside you? Or is it near the outside?

This may not be easy for you to say. Sometimes a pain is both superficial (near the outside) and deep. But deciding which it is can help sort out what's wrong.

Vaginismus

Vaginismus can cause both deep and superficial pain, and it's a common cause of trouble during sex. It's a spasm of the vaginal muscles, caused mainly by fear of being hurt.

This spasm is often so painful that intercourse is impossible – sometimes for years.

Some women with vaginismus have never been able to have full sex or even use tampons. They also tend to be very fearful of vaginal examinations and so may never have had a smear test.

Vaginismus arouses strong emotions, and women who have it are often very angry with partners, doctors and themselves. But the condition is no one's fault.

Common causes include:

a restrictive upbringing, in which the woman was brought up to view sex as nasty or dirty.

an upbringing in which the woman was given the idea that the vagina is very narrow and so sex must be very painful.

a history of rape or childhood sexual abuse. Experiences like these understandably make women fearful of sex and of being hurt.

a medical history of painful vaginal infections.

unease with the partner – perhaps at an unconscious level.

It is a common misconception that women with vaginismus dislike sex altogether.

In fact, many women with this condition enjoy closeness with their partners.

Many get great pleasure from love play and some are able to reach orgasm in this way. But the enjoyment ceases when penetration is attempted or suggested.

In the UK, women doctors who have been trained by the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine have by far the greatest experience of treating vaginismus.

What are the other causes of deep pain during sex?

Problems with your cervix: the man's penis hits the cervix at the farthest extent of his thrust. So infections of the cervix and tender places on it can cause pain during deep penetration. This is called 'collision dyspareunia'.

Womb trouble: various womb disorders, including fibroids, can cause deep intercourse pain.

Endometriosis: this very common disorder often affects the womb and surrounding tissues. It makes them very tender, particularly near period times. The pressure of the penis on an area of endometriosis may cause intense, deep pain.

Ovary problems: cysts on the ovary can cause deep pain. Pain may also be caused if the tip of the penis hits an unusually positioned ovary.

Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID): this is caused by infection, and has become more common in the UK largely thanks to the bug called chlamydia. If chlamydia isn't treated, there is quite a chance of PID developing. In PID, the tissues deep inside become badly inflamed and so the pressure of intercourse causes deep pain.

Ectopic pregnancy: this means a pregnancy outside the womb, usually in the Fallopian tube. Pressure on it can be very painful.

What are the other causes of more superficial pain?

Lack of lubrication

This can be due to nervousness, hang-ups and failure to relax. Unskilled foreplay by the man is a common cause, especially when it doesn't go on long enough. (Many women would like half an hour – but don't get it!)

Well-endowed partner

Some women complain that their partner’s penis is too big.

In fact, when a woman is aroused and relaxed, the vagina extends by several inches – so any female should be able to accommodate any male.

But being unused to a larger man or previous problems with bladder infections or endometriosis can lead to anxiety and tension about sex.

A recent invention may be of use here. It's called the 'Come Close' and is a kind of cushioned ring that the man wears on the base of his penis. This reduces the length of the penis that goes into the vagina. For more details, visit: www.comeclose.co.uk. Currently, the 'Come Close' retails at £24.99.

Menopausal or post-menopausal dryness

This is usually due to a fall in female sex hormones. Treatment with HRT pills or hormone cream will usually put matters right. Ordinary sex lubricants will help, too.

Vaginal infections

These are very common. The one that huge numbers of women get is thrush. But there are numerous others, such as trichomonas. The blisters of herpes can also be really painful.

Injury

Injury to the vulva or vagina can occur during rape or sexual assault and later cause dyspareunia.

Much more commonly, injury is caused by a childbirth tear or the episiotomy cut that is often made during labour. Badly healed stitching can also cause pain.

Genital warts

These are awfully common in these days of fairly promiscuous sex. Occasionally the warts can cause pain, especially if they get infected.

Vulvitis

This means inflammation of the vulva (the opening to the vagina). It can be due to all sorts of causes, including chemicals in bubble-baths or soaps.

Haematoma of the clitoris

I first encountered this about 30 years ago, but it's still not widely known. It's a bruise (or collection of blood) in the clitoris, caused by excessive friction. It nearly always gets better within a few weeks.

Occasionally, the clitoris spontaneously 'bursts open', releasing some blood. It should heal up again rapidly, but it's best to have it checked by a doctor.

Urethral caruncle

This is a tender patch that develops at the urinary opening.

Foreign body in the vagina

The usual culprit is a forgotten tampon. It may cause pain, especially if the tampon causes an infection.

Vulvodynia

A distressing and long-lasting condition in which the outside part of the sex organs (the vulva) is so sensitive, just touching the area makes the woman jump with pain.

Its cause is not yet known, but it can often be successfully treated.

The experts in dealing with it are the doctors at genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinics.

Cancer

This is a rare cause of intercourse pain, but it must be borne in mind for a woman who develops this kind of pain for the first time after the age of 40.

Does intercourse pain affect men?

Sometimes men experience pain during intercourse.

Common causes are skin disorders on the penis such as eczema or psoriasis.

It can be that the woman's vagina is too tight for her partner. A good sex lubricant can help here.

Occasional causes of male pain include:

thrush – in which case the female partner will probably have thrush too

a forgotten stitch left in the woman's vagina after childbirth
an IUD thread or a displaced IUD in the vagina

Peyronie's disease – a male disorder that causes bending of the penis.

Summing up

Whether you're female or male, you shouldn't disregard pain occurring during intercourse. If it happens more than once, it's time to see an experienced doctor. Very often, the problem is curable.