Friday, 14 March 2014

The Six Degrees of Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) and other Separations

Have you ever been in any kind of long-distance relationship? Not just the romantic kind.

I have, and I cannot say I “rock” at maintaining them, nor do I enjoy the distance.

Here’s a quick glance at how many long-distance relationships (romantic and otherwise) I have had in the past or am currently maintaining:

My best friend has been in Indiana for several years completing her Master’s degree.
I was in a rather serious relationship with a gentleman caller for about two years (on again, off again, courtesy of our long distance situation).
I have just one family member who lives within a healthy proximity to me. Otherwise, my brother, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins span from Kelowna to California to Ohio.
Finally, as much as I enjoy the cultural diversity of my social group, I have dear friends scattered like dandelion seeds across countries and continents.

Needless to say, phone calls, text messages, e-mails, Skype dates, Facebook and Facetime have all become rather dear to me. But I find even with all of these modes of communication, I am still left with a devastating amount of space between us that, despite my best efforts, words cannot fill.

Six Degrees of (Long-Distance) Separation

I have noticed that whether it’s a boyfriend, a friend or a family member, the emotions that accompany a long-distance relationship are often similar. The following is a list of emotions I have experienced whilst engaged in a Long-Distance Relationship or “LDR”:

Anticipation/ Excitement: This emotion is typical when the times I have seen or heard from the person supersede the time we have been apart.

Frustration: Frustration rears its ugly head after enough time has passed so I know the other person surely has a new story or anecdote to share, but I have yet to hear about it.

Denial: Possibly spurred on by things like Destiny’s Child songs about women and their independence, at this stage in the LDR a reassurance falls over me that I need no one!

Hopelessness: When the times we have been apart supersedes the time in which we have been together, I begin doubting the validity of my relationship.

Anger: Perhaps my LDR updated her Facebook status and didn’t as much as poke me. Or maybe he had a whole day off and did not make any effort to call. Whether my reasoning is justified or completely unwarranted, feelings of anger in a long-distance relationship are undeniable.

Joy: The very sound of his voice brings a tidal wave of relief and all the emotions you once felt, are swept away with pure joy.

[ Lather, rinse, and repeat.]

Regardless of the different kinds of long distance relationships we may experience, I’m sure this truth remains: Being devoted to someone we cannot see, is hard.

Degrees of separation with God

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” ~Kahlil Gibran

As I looked at this list of LDR-related emotions, I began to draw some parallels between my human long-distance relationships and my relationship with God. I realized that just as I have felt all of the six (long distance) degrees of separation with my friends, family and romances; I have also felt these emotions towards God. The anticipation and excitement as I wait on His call, the denial in thinking I don’t need Him, the hopelessness I feel when I don’t hear His voice, the anger when everyone else gets a “poke” but me, and the sheer joy of finally hearing His voice.

But in all of the parallels I have drawn, I discovered one major contrast: With God, absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder; it makes my heart grow further.

“Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you.” James 4:8 (NIV)

God isn’t awkwardly fumbling around trying to maintain seven billion long-distance relationships—on the contrary, we are the ones who choose how close our relationship with God will be. Which reminds me that if I feel like God is far away—He’s not the one who moved.

“I will never leave you; I will never forget you.” Hebrews 13:5 (International Children’s Version)

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Thursday, 20 June 2013

The Long Distance Relationship: Can it Work for You?

So, you were on vacation at some exotic resort and you met a wonderful woman. You think she might be “the one,”except for one tiny problem: she lives 3,000 miles away from you. Or maybe the woman you’ve been dating for a few months suddenly has to move 300 miles away for a great new job. In either case, you find yourself in a complicated situation. You are dating a woman who is geographically undesirable.

The long-distance relationship is a blessing for some but a curse for others. It will either work brilliantly for you, be bearable though not ideal or it will be disastrous. It all depends on the nature of your personality, the strength of your commitment and what you really want from your long-distance lover.

Like any kind of relationship, the long-distance relationship will only work if both of you are in agreement and can make a commitment to the same rules and regulations. In one of his most memorable songs, the great Paul Simon advises us that, “the only time love is an easy game is when two of the people are playing.” By this he means, of course, that any relationship can work so long as it works for both of you. This is especially true when the two of you are separated, and being together is dependent on racking up frequent-flier miles.

Let’s start with those for whom the long distance-relationship is ideal. If both you and your woman are fiercely independent and do not necessarily feel lonely when you are alone or, even better, enjoy your alone time, then being separated for long periods of time will not be a burden. Say, for example, both of you are extremely hardworking and have to devote long hours to the job, to studying or to taking care of family members on a daily basis. In this case, a long-distance relationship can definitely work. Also, if you both already have an active social life, filled with friends and family to keep you busy, you can use the time away from your girlfriend to see old friends, play basketball or poker with the guys, take classes at night or enjoy your other hobbies and activities.

It is always true that absence makes the heart grow fonder and if you work out a schedule where one of you flies to see the other every two weeks or so, then your weekends together can be both romantic and highly charged. It also helps if both of you enjoy traveling. You can spice things up by meeting in different cities and exploring new territory together.

Also, the long-distance relationship between two independent people can work if you have a clear understanding that your relationship is not exclusive and that you are both free to see other people. In all fairness, though, this can only work if you are honest with each other. A sure recipe for disaster is if one of you thinks you are in an exclusive and committed relationship but the other person doesn’t. While this is basically the premise of every Kate Hudson movie and can make for an amusing romantic comedy, in real life it is not so entertaining.

If you are not quite so independent and don’t particularly enjoy being alone, or if you want a committed relationship but circumstances are keeping you separated, then the long distance relationship, though difficult, can be bearable if you define your parameters and discuss any impending conflicts. It will help if you establish how long it will last. Say you have the opportunity to climb the corporate ladder if you move to Seattle, but your girlfriend is firmly ensconced in her job in Denver. You don’t want to lose her, but you are not ready to commit to marriage. You need to sit down and figure out how long you will need to be in Seattle before you know if you are staying there for any length of time. Give yourself a deadline of six months (or however long you need) and ask your girlfriend to wait that long before you move the relationship to the next level. Also, sit down and book your calendar in advance, establishing when you will see each other and who will do the traveling. If possible, offer to pay her travel costs. If you find that it is unbearably hard to be separated, then that will give you some valuable information about your level of involvement with your woman.

Finally, there are some people for whom a long-distance relationship will not work under any circumstances. There are men who can barely stand to be alone for one meal, much less weeks at a time. Obviously, if you want to be with someone every moment of the day and night, a long-distance relationship is not for you. (If you really require that kind of attention, then you might want to get a dog, a cat or both!)

Being separated from the one you love is easier today than it has ever been. In our digital world of instant messages, e-mail, texts, Skype, iChat and even the good old-fashioned telephone, there are so many ways to keep us connected that we barely have a moment to ourselves. Your girlfriend could be across town, across the country or halfway across the world and still be able to video chat every night.

As in any relationship, near or far, honesty and communication are the most important factors. If you can tell your woman what you need and want, there is a good chance you can make it work no matter the distance between you.

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