9 Questions You Should Ask Someone Before You Sleep With Them

"Lets face it whilst asking personal and even intimate questions may not seem ideal for 

the romantic mood its the adult and responsible thing to do."          -  Susan

9 Questions You Should Ask Someone Before You Sleep With Them

We all want to get swept away in the romance or passion of a new relationship, but allowing your body to make decisions without any input from your brain is, usually, a recipe for disaster. While it may seem like an outstanding idea to follow your heart (or other more influential body organs) after you hit it off on a date and decide to become more intimate, certain truths may surface in the light of day that make you regret ever having had sex with your date.

You may find out, weeks later, that your attitudes about sex differ greatly — perhaps he views it as a pleasant escape from reality, while you deemed it a heartfelt spiritual connection and the start of a serious relationship (or vice versa). Maybe he has zero intention of sleeping with only one person until he's married, while you'd never dream of playing the field while you have working knowledge of every detail of another human's naked body (again, or vice versa). Since sex can mean very different things to different people, it's important to ask the right questions before doing it — it's even more important to feel like you can ask any question you deem necessary.

"Most women fail to ask any sort of questions before sex," says bestselling author and relationship expert Susan Winter. "Culturally, we've come to a time period being mute. In today's world of open sexuality, sex comes first and questions come after the fact. This is the wrong order. In fearing our prospective partner may feel uncomfortable with being asked questions, women have learned to not ask at all. Why blow the glow? We fear we'll come across as difficult, needy, or intrusive. Yet, all of the pain we experience is due to not knowing the type of experience we'll have, nor knowing the man's mindset and dating goals."

Here are nine questions experts say are important to ask prior to sex.

1. Are you looking for a casual hookup or are you hoping that sex will lead to something more long term?

Save yourself heartache by knowing beforehand what your partner's relationship plans are, says Astro-glide's Resident Sexologist Dr. Jess. "Many people make the mistake of acting first and discussing later, but because sexual values are highly variant (some see sex as a simple physical act and others value it as a means of connecting intimately) and deeply entrenched (we often assume others feel the same as we do) this can lead to confusion, conflict and hurt feelings," Dr. Jess says. "You don’t have to engage in a long, drawn-out discussion to gauge how your partner feels and you can simply open the conversation by expressing your needs/desires."

2. Are you married?

For obvious reason, you'll want to know if you're unknowingly agreeing to make yourself an accomplice in the ultimate act of betrayal. "Most people assume that they’re sleeping with someone who’s single, because they are, too," says April Masini, New York-based author of four relationship advice books and the AskApril advice column. "If you’re not sure, ask. And if you don’t trust your answer, do a little online research."

3. Have you been tested for STDs and when?

One of the first questions you ask should pertain to STDs. Even if your partner claims he/she has been tested and is clear of all sexually transmitted diseases, the results of a test can change with the person's next partner.

4. Are you sleeping with anyone else?

Don't assume your partner feels it is necessary to practice monogamy because you've had sex. If the act is merely physical to him, he may not be ready or willing to stop seeing other people — or sleeping with them. If that's not your MO, find out where you stand before you have sex.

5. Do you have children?

If you're heading over to his home and are not sure if he has children, Masini recommends getting your facts beforehand so that you don't bump into his 7-year-old — or 17-year-old — while making a naked, middle of the night bathroom run.

6. Do you know my ex?

It's a small world, one that seems to shrink even more when you become intimate with someone and later realise he knows 40 of your closest Facebook friends. "Stranger things have happened than sleeping with a great guy who you then find out is the first cousin of your ex," Masini says. "Do a little geography socialising about who you both know before sleeping with him."

7. Where do you work?

Again, the "It's a Small World After All" principle can become a scary one when you realise you have colleagues in common — or worse. "You don’t want to have a wild night of sex and go into the office only to find your lover is your new boss," Masini says. "Vet him before you sleep with him."

8. Will you wear a condom?

Psychotherapist Kelly Kitley encourages us to set expectations about birth control prior to sex, which will ensure we don't make poor decisions when passions are running high. "In the heat of the moment, partners often bypass this important component that helps prevent sexually transmitted diseases," Kitley says.

9. How do you feel about foreplay?

Here's one conversation you might actually enjoy having — one that can be a sexy turn-on and informative. "Attempt to talk about foreplay and/or sex before engaging in it to see how comfortable the person appears and/or their overall perception of sex," Kitley says. "It could be an indicator of how he might be in the bedroom. Although, be careful he’s not too suave or bragging — that might be a sign he’s all talk."


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The Power of Monogamy: 10 Surprising Claims Regarding Modern Love

Never underestimate the power of someone who has your back: It’s the message in Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, the book by Ottawa clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, slated for release on Dec. 31.

Her thesis, based on decades of neuroscience research into human emotion, is that just like the bond parents have with their offspring, monogamous love makes sense as a survival code.

“We’ve understood so much about the power of adult love relationships, how this emotional bond creates a safe haven for us in life, allows us to grow and function on an optimal level, as well as how emotional isolation and disconnection are extremely costly to us as a species,” Johnson said. (Johnson is a psychology professor at the University of Ottawa and founder of the not-for-profit organization the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which trains mental-health professionals – not to be confused with Toronto’s vibrator-waving sex educator Sue Johanson.)

Monogamy, she says, makes sense, and yet “there are so many forces pulling us away of being aware of relationships.” Among them are porn, a robust friends-with-benefits culture and attention-splicing technology, she says. Just as parenting has undergone a radical shift over just several generations, Johnson is hoping for an overhaul in the way North Americans think about love.

“In the last 40 years we’ve really started to understand exactly how much impact a parent can have on a child’s development,” she said. “The revolution that we went through in parenting, we have to go through it with romantic relationships.”

The Globe asked the author about 10 of her more surprising claims regarding modern love.

Our culture exalts independence even though it’s not natural

“We are supposed to live in a rich social environment, and part of it is long-term bonds with special people. It sometimes feels like modern society is just determined to forget this,” said Johnson, referring to the high rates of solo dwellers in North America. (Census figures released last fall showed that 27.6 per cent of Canadian homes have just one occupant, a massive shift from decades past.) “We don’t live in little villages any more. People now often depend on romantic love as their main source of social support.”

Romantic love is a bonding attachment like that of a mother and child’s

“We are not wired to face the perils and uncertainties of life by ourselves. Our brains are designed to use the people we love as physiological and emotional safety cues to make the world a safer place. What our society does with that is, as children we have parents, and then we have life partners as we get older. These are the bonds that we count on,” explained Johnson. “In that sense we never grow up.”

Emotional dependency is healthy, not ‘clingy’ and pathological

“Secure attachment – having one other person you can count on as an adult – is related to almost every index of good functioning, happiness and health,” says Johnson. She cites the physical and mental-health implications of social isolation and loneliness, from increased risk of anxiety, strokes and heart attacks to elevated heart rate and increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which impacts the immune system. “Having no one to confide in at all literally is going to stress your body out all to hell.” The caveat: “You don’t have to be glued to each other, that’s not healthy, but you have to be available.”

People are at their best when coupled up, not isolated

“It’s been shown in research but we know in our gut that with somebody valuing us, loving us, listening to us and supporting us, we are the best we can be then,” said the author. “We take risks, believe in ourselves and deal with problems better. If you’re securely connected you’re more assertive, more trusting, confiding … you’re better at dealing with ambiguity.”

Secure relationships breed independence

Beyond health, the benefits of monogamy extend to “emotional balance,” says Johnson. “The safer our relationships are, ironically, the more independent we can be. Closeness and independence are two sides of the same coin. They’re not opposed.”

Attachment styles can change, depending on their partner

“Yes, people can change,” says the psychologist. The thinking used to be that we receive a relationship template from our parents, a model we would then use our whole lives. Newer research suggests “we’re adaptable animals,” says Johnson. “If we have new experiences and we’re open to them, we can change our template.”

The novelty of open relationships is ‘overrated’

Friends-with-benefits relationships don’t “make sense” as a survival code, says Johnson. The trouble with polyamorous arrangements, she says, is they don’t fulfill the physiological bonding needs people have for “someone in the universe to depend on, who we come first with.”

Porn is a bad teacher

“People who don’t trust other people are into performance and sensation. The trouble with that is it’s endless: You need more and more performance and sensation because you’re emotionally numb,” said Johnson. “What we’re creating in our society is this empty, formulaic, going-through-the-motions sexuality. Porn is a lesson in how to be a really bad lover.”

Monogamy yields the best sex

“The people who have the best sex, enjoy it the most and have sex most often are people in long-term committed relationships,” says the author, citing the survey research of University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, who found that monogamous couples were the cohort having the most sex, and so also the happiest with their sex lives.

Technology erodes our relationships

“Look at couples courting on dates: They’re on their little screens almost half of the time,” says Johnson. She argues that technology should be used as a tool, not a replacement for more intentional relationships. “What you don’t use you lose. Face-to-face conversation is an essential in human life. It’s not an incidental.”

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