Dating After Divorce: Is Honesty Really the Best Policy? Yes!

Dating after divorce can be exhausting! The ups, the downs, the games, the lies, not hearing from someone, hearing too much from someone, the fighting, the breakups, the getting back together, the cheating, the indecision, the baggage, and the worst one, the DISHONESTY!

 

Wouldn't it be nice if instead of someone saying, "I just don't know what I want right now," they would say what they really mean? -- " I really like you but I want to see if there is someone else I might like better."

 

It's really hard to be honest, not only with someone else, but with yourself. Isn't it comfortable and convenient to stay in a relationship that in your heart you just know isn't right? And isn't it easier to tell someone you have a boyfriend than to just say, "I'm not interested in you?"

The downside to not being truthful is that you are holding yourself back, and you are holding back the other person, who in this example might say to himself, "I'll just wait until she breaks up with the guy and then try again."

 

Here are 16 things people say in the world of dating after divorce, and what I wish the person would say instead.

 

1. I don't want a girlfriend right now.
Honest version: I don't want you to be my girlfriend. Ever.

 

2. I'm sort of seeing someone right now.
Honest version: You're not worth me risking what I have right now with my current girlfriend, even though I'm not sure she's the one.

 

3. It's not you, it's me.
Honest version: It's you.

 

4. I want to date other people.
Honest version: I want to see if I can meet someone I like better because I'm not sure about this relationship, but I don't want to risk losing you.

 

5. I just want to have fun.
Honest version: I don't want to be exclusive.

 

6. This really isn't working out.
Honest version: I'm breaking up with you.

 

7. You're a great guy. I don't deserve you.
Honest version: I don't want you.

 

8. What are you doing right now?
Honest version: Want me to come over and have sex with you?

 

9. What are you doing Saturday night?
Honest version: I really like you a lot and I want to take you out for a really nice date so you know that.

 

10. You're going to make some guy really, really happy.
Honest version: You're not making me happy.

 

11. I don't want to fight anymore.
Honest version: I wish we could go back to the first six months of our relationship when we were on our best behavior, because we both know this is going downhill fast.

 

12. Sorry I haven't called. I've been so busy with work.
Honest version: I met someone else and dated her for a couple weeks and it just ended. OR, I wasn't really into you and then I changed my mind.

 

13. I'm just happy with the way things are.
Honest version: I don't want to marry you.

 

14. I'm going out of town, so I'll call you when I get back.
Honest version: I'm not into you.

 

15. I don't have time for a relationship.
Honest version: I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

16. I just can't see you right now, I don't know what I want.
Honest version: I want to go out with my friends and talk to guys and figure out if I want to date you still.

 

Here's the thing. These things don't translate like this in every case. Relationships are complicated. Dating is complicated. People do get confused and say things, and things do end up working out. I'm just saying that if someone feels a certain way, he or she should buck up and just be honest.

 

These things might be brutal to hear, and they might be hurtful and upsetting, and they might even make us cry. But, in the long run, hearing the truth saves so much time, so much aggravation, and it forces us to move on much quicker!

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The Power of Monogamy: 10 Surprising Claims Regarding Modern Love

Never underestimate the power of someone who has your back: It’s the message in Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships, the book by Ottawa clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, slated for release on Dec. 31.

Her thesis, based on decades of neuroscience research into human emotion, is that just like the bond parents have with their offspring, monogamous love makes sense as a survival code.

“We’ve understood so much about the power of adult love relationships, how this emotional bond creates a safe haven for us in life, allows us to grow and function on an optimal level, as well as how emotional isolation and disconnection are extremely costly to us as a species,” Johnson said. (Johnson is a psychology professor at the University of Ottawa and founder of the not-for-profit organization the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which trains mental-health professionals – not to be confused with Toronto’s vibrator-waving sex educator Sue Johanson.)

Monogamy, she says, makes sense, and yet “there are so many forces pulling us away of being aware of relationships.” Among them are porn, a robust friends-with-benefits culture and attention-splicing technology, she says. Just as parenting has undergone a radical shift over just several generations, Johnson is hoping for an overhaul in the way North Americans think about love.

“In the last 40 years we’ve really started to understand exactly how much impact a parent can have on a child’s development,” she said. “The revolution that we went through in parenting, we have to go through it with romantic relationships.”

The Globe asked the author about 10 of her more surprising claims regarding modern love.

Our culture exalts independence even though it’s not natural

“We are supposed to live in a rich social environment, and part of it is long-term bonds with special people. It sometimes feels like modern society is just determined to forget this,” said Johnson, referring to the high rates of solo dwellers in North America. (Census figures released last fall showed that 27.6 per cent of Canadian homes have just one occupant, a massive shift from decades past.) “We don’t live in little villages any more. People now often depend on romantic love as their main source of social support.”

Romantic love is a bonding attachment like that of a mother and child’s

“We are not wired to face the perils and uncertainties of life by ourselves. Our brains are designed to use the people we love as physiological and emotional safety cues to make the world a safer place. What our society does with that is, as children we have parents, and then we have life partners as we get older. These are the bonds that we count on,” explained Johnson. “In that sense we never grow up.”

Emotional dependency is healthy, not ‘clingy’ and pathological

“Secure attachment – having one other person you can count on as an adult – is related to almost every index of good functioning, happiness and health,” says Johnson. She cites the physical and mental-health implications of social isolation and loneliness, from increased risk of anxiety, strokes and heart attacks to elevated heart rate and increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which impacts the immune system. “Having no one to confide in at all literally is going to stress your body out all to hell.” The caveat: “You don’t have to be glued to each other, that’s not healthy, but you have to be available.”

People are at their best when coupled up, not isolated

“It’s been shown in research but we know in our gut that with somebody valuing us, loving us, listening to us and supporting us, we are the best we can be then,” said the author. “We take risks, believe in ourselves and deal with problems better. If you’re securely connected you’re more assertive, more trusting, confiding … you’re better at dealing with ambiguity.”

Secure relationships breed independence

Beyond health, the benefits of monogamy extend to “emotional balance,” says Johnson. “The safer our relationships are, ironically, the more independent we can be. Closeness and independence are two sides of the same coin. They’re not opposed.”

Attachment styles can change, depending on their partner

“Yes, people can change,” says the psychologist. The thinking used to be that we receive a relationship template from our parents, a model we would then use our whole lives. Newer research suggests “we’re adaptable animals,” says Johnson. “If we have new experiences and we’re open to them, we can change our template.”

The novelty of open relationships is ‘overrated’

Friends-with-benefits relationships don’t “make sense” as a survival code, says Johnson. The trouble with polyamorous arrangements, she says, is they don’t fulfill the physiological bonding needs people have for “someone in the universe to depend on, who we come first with.”

Porn is a bad teacher

“People who don’t trust other people are into performance and sensation. The trouble with that is it’s endless: You need more and more performance and sensation because you’re emotionally numb,” said Johnson. “What we’re creating in our society is this empty, formulaic, going-through-the-motions sexuality. Porn is a lesson in how to be a really bad lover.”

Monogamy yields the best sex

“The people who have the best sex, enjoy it the most and have sex most often are people in long-term committed relationships,” says the author, citing the survey research of University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, who found that monogamous couples were the cohort having the most sex, and so also the happiest with their sex lives.

Technology erodes our relationships

“Look at couples courting on dates: They’re on their little screens almost half of the time,” says Johnson. She argues that technology should be used as a tool, not a replacement for more intentional relationships. “What you don’t use you lose. Face-to-face conversation is an essential in human life. It’s not an incidental.”

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7 Reasons Most People Are Afraid of Love

Around this time last year, Virgin Mobile USA proclaimed February 13 to be "National Breakup Day." They did so after conducting a survey in which 59 percent of people said that if they were looking to end their relationship, they would hypothetically do so before Valentine's Day to save money. The beginning of the year is often said to see a spike in couple splits, with various sources claiming that January hosts most divorce filings and couple separations. You may even have heard it referred to as "National Breakup Month." In this so-called breakup season, we may be unfortunate enough to witness once-happy couples splitting up left and right, or we may recount our own painful parting from a partner we once loved.

No matter what the timeline, the story of lost love is one most of us can tell. This leaves the question "why do relationships fail?" to linger heavily in the back of our minds. The answer for many of us can be found within. Whether we know it or not, most of us are afraid of really being in love. While our fears may manifest themselves in different ways or show themselves at different stages of a relationship, we all harbour defences that we believe on some level will protect us from getting hurt. These defences may offer us a false illusion of safety or security, but they keep us from attaining the closeness we most desire. So what drives our fears of intimacy? What keeps us from finding and keeping the love we say we want?

1. Real love makes us feel vulnerable. A new relationship is uncharted territory, and most of us have natural fears of the unknown. Letting ourselves fall in love means taking a real risk. We are placing a great amount of trust in another person, allowing them to affect us, which makes us feel exposed and vulnerable. Our core defenses are challenged. Any habits we've long had that allow us to feel self-focused or self-contained start to fall by the wayside. We tend to believe that the more we care, the more we can get hurt.

2. New love stirs up past hurts. When we enter into a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how we've been impacted by our history. The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, starting from our childhood, have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to as well as how we act in our romantic relationships. Old negative dynamics may make us wary of opening ourselves up to someone new. We may steer away from intimacy, because it stirs up old feelings of hurt, loss, anger or rejection. As Dr. Pat Love said in an interview with PsychAlive, "when you long for something, like love, it becomes associated with pain," the pain you felt at not having it in the past.

3. Love challenges an old identity. Many of us struggle with underlying feelings of being unlovable. We have trouble feeling our own value and believing anyone could really care for us. We all have a "critical inner voice," which acts like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness. This coach is shaped from painful childhood experiences and critical attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents had about themselves.

While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become engrained in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as an enemy, instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own. These critical thoughts or "inner voices" are often harmful and unpleasant, but they're also comfortable in their familiarity. When another person sees us differently from our voices, loving and appreciating us, we may actually start to feel uncomfortable and defensive, as it challenges these long-held points of identification.

4. With real joy comes real pain. Any time we fully experience true joy or feel the preciousness of life on an emotional level, we can expect to feel a great amount of sadness. Many of us shy away from the things that would make us happiest, because they also make us feel pain. The opposite is also true. We cannot selectively numb ourselves to sadness without numbing ourselves to joy. When it comes to falling in love, we may be hesitant to go "all in," for fear of the sadness it would stir up in us.

5. Love is often unequal. Many people I've talked to have expressed hesitation over getting involved with someone, because that person "likes them too much." They worry that if they got involved with this person, their own feelings wouldn't evolve, and the other person would wind up getting hurt or feeling rejected. The truth is that love is often imbalanced, with one person feeling more or less from moment to moment. Our feelings toward someone are an ever-changing force. In a matter of seconds, we can feel anger, irritation or even hate for a person we love. Worrying over how we will feel keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go. It's better to be open to how our feelings develop over time. Allowing worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from getting to know someone who is expressing interest in us and may prevent us from forming a relationship that could really make us happy.

6. Relationships can break your connection to your family. Relationships can be the ultimate symbol of growing up. They represent starting our own lives as independent, autonomous individuals. This development can also represent a parting from our family. Much like breaking from an old identity, this separation isn't physical. It doesn't mean literally giving up our family, but rather letting go on an emotional level -- no longer feeling like a kid and differentiating from the more negative dynamics that plagued our early relationships and shaped our identity.

7. Love stirs up existential fears. The more we have, the more we have to lose. The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing that person. When we fall in love, we not only face the fear of losing our partner, but we become more aware of our mortality. Our life now holds more value and meaning, so the thought of losing it becomes more frightening. In an attempt to cover over this fear, we may focus on more superficial concerns, pick fights with our partner or, in extreme cases, completely give up the relationship. We are rarely fully aware of how we defend against these existential fears. We may even try to rationalize to ourselves a million reasons we shouldn't be in the relationship. However, the reasons we give may have workable solutions, and what's really driving us are those deeper fears of loss.

Most relationships bring up an onslaught of challenges. Getting to know our fears of intimacy and how they inform our behaviour is an important step to having a fulfilling, long-term relationship. These fears can be masked by various justifications for why things aren't working out, however we may be surprised to learn about all of the ways that we self-sabotage when getting close to someone else. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining lasting love.

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Why Relationships Succeed?

Through it all the things we had and did in common were vital in keeping our focus on family life.

Until now, research into marriage and relationships has mainly focused on what goes wrong: why do so many couples who signed on for a happy union end up in savagery and despair?

This week, Britain's Economic and Social Research Council released the findings of the Enduring Love project, its large-scale survey intended to help us understand how relationships can sustain and reward couples.

What it is that partners do and don't do; what makes for pleasure, appreciation and a willingness to work on the relationship when it hits trouble; how do couples cope with different sexual needs and diverse feelings about children? And a good deal more that deconstructs the nitty gritty of negotiating life with the chosen one.

I have lived with my husband Olly for 41 years (he's had the best years of my life, I remind him), navigating four decades during which we grew from a couple of childlike young adults living on the hoof, to become parents and matured adults. And looking back on our time, I see how many of the Enduring Love findings have resonance for us.

For all the good stuff, ours was a meeting of very different minds, backgrounds and life experiences, and we have been a frequently volatile alchemy of opposites.

I met Olly after three years working as a freelance journalist in his native Amsterdam. He was the son of a shipyard worker, a free-spirited character who had gone to sea aged 15.

He had seen the world and I liked his sharp mind and askance way of viewing things many of us take for granted. Neither of us had envisaged more than a casual fling. But when I chose to return to England for work, Olly came, too.

By this time I had seen a good heart: on our second date he picked me up from the home of a friend who had just been ditched by her lover and was in bits; he didn't hesitate before inviting us both to dinner. It is these gestures, frequently small, that show a partner's kindness and appreciation of the relationship and were cited far more frequently in the ESRC survey than grand romantic gestures.

The pregnancy when I was 32 was a ''Freudian slip'' and both of us, nervous about the unexpected change to our life, argued relentlessly. I seriously thought once I had the baby I'd give Olly his marching orders. But my heart melted at the sight of him cradling our just-born infant and that love has been there for both of our sons unwaveringly.

But around other issues we were often enough on opposite tracks. During a mid-life period (common enough, the Enduring Love research shows), I found myself turbulently discontented, wondering how much more fulfilled I might have been with the person I had always envisaged - an earnest intellectual who would lie back on the pillows and read me T.S. Eliot poems.

Through it all the things we had and did in common were vital in keeping our focus on family life, and I am one with the survey in finding that domesticity and relaxing, home-based activities - watching DVD box sets together rated highly - are superglue for intimacy.

But then 12 years ago we came perilously close to calling it a day. The boys had left home for independent lives and Olly and I found ourselves facing each other night after night over the dinner table with nothing to say. Looking back, I think this was classic empty-nest stuff.
(Read: Why the Key to a Strong Relationship Could be Something as Simple as a Cup of Tea)

We were like empty vessels, mourning our loss, and seeing nothing in each other to compensate. When we did talk, it invariably turned to aggravation over some small matter and we could not resurrect the rhythm of domestic life that had been so supportive. We began to discuss selling up, living apart and joining the ranks of parents who see their grown-up children separately.

The enormity of this hit us: we would lose the home we had created together, the place which had our family life embedded in its bones. So we decided on separate togetherness.

Olly made his home on one floor with its own kitchen and bathroom. I had the floor above with the same arrangement. It was a way to get breathing space before making any definitive decision.

Unhooked from our state of emotional stasis we began inviting each other for a meal, suggesting a trip to the cinema, an evening in Olly's flat where the TV was, a glass of wine with our books in mine. We invited each other for sleepovers. And out of all this came a refreshed intimacy; we saw the children as family for weekend visits, and most importantly realised we could go on happily like this. Clearly not everyone can create private space this way, but interviewees in the study spoke often of their need for their own time and space.

Things changed for us again three years ago when my elder son's wife became pregnant and wanted to live close to family - ideally in our home on Olly's floor, our son murmured.

We adore our granddaughter, who spends much time with us; we have spontaneous family meals and my younger son visits often and comments on how good it feels to be part of it all.

But how very, very different things would have been if we had decided to separate and ditch our joint history. Of course there are relationships where, for all sorts of reasons, love cannot endure. But what I know now is that it's worth giving it the best shot.

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Why the Key to a Strong Relationship Could be Something as Simple as a Cup of Tea

...why it's the little things that can ultimately make, or break, a relationship



Make or break: The little things can make the difference: Getty

Small gestures of love are the things that can make or break a relationship. We start off making our partner’s dinner or bringing them a cup of tea in bed and we are more than happy to do it.

 

But fast-forward and we find that after years of living under the same roof, with maybe a couple of children or more in tow, it becomes too much effort or we simply forget to do these little things.

 

We can sometimes become intimate strangers, so overwhelmed by worrying about the bills, where to go on holiday or what the kids are having for their lunch that we forget about the person who is sitting right opposite us.

 

January is one of the busiest times of year for the marriage guidance service Relate because when people spent time over Christmas together they really reflect on their relationships, assess whether they are happy and whether they are getting what they want out of them.

 

Think about this. At the same time of year we are willing to go on a drastic diet to squeeze into that little black dress or to give up drinking to lose weight, when it comes to enduring ­relationships... we sort of expect them to magically happen. (Find the Love you want online: Fish2Fish)

 

People sometimes believe that if they have walked down the aisle or lived together for 10 years then the joyful glow of the early days should just continue. But we have got to put the effort in here – just as we do in the other areas of our lives.

 

A lot of couples I work with say they have lost the fun and they don’t have a laugh together any more. Even sex becomes a chore and sometimes people can’t be bothered, or one partner wants it more than the other. But as soon as you put the fun back in, you start looking at each other as people again and see that you can still have a laugh.

 

When it comes to sex, a lot of couples get bogged down in worrying about their bodies. They may compare themselves to airbrushed Hollywood stars or worry they’re not attractive to their partner any more, perhaps after having kids. It’s vital to ditch that way of thinking and see sex as something you are going to do together for fun and pleasure.

 

Holding hands, hugging, kissing, having a snog and reminding your partner that you love them are just as important as sex. Investing in these small tokens of affection can make all the difference, and the more regularly you do it, the more it becomes a habit. One lady I worked with told me that her husband never told her he loved her any more. So I got him to write little loving Post-it notes for her and leave them around the house.

 

That meant so much more to her than the big bouquet of flowers he sent on her birthday. It is little gestures like that that make your partner feel loved, cared for and noticed. Couples who have been together for a long time often get bogged down in routine. One will make the dinner, the other will put the telly on, then they’ll have a cup of tea and then go to sleep.

 

That can drain the joy out of life together. Doing things as a couple, such as going to a dance class, can make all the difference. Having shared experiences where you have fun can make you remember times when you laughed together and realise that you can still enjoy life just as much as ever.

 

A joint experience also gives you something else to talk about outside from the routine of everyday life.

 

One lady I know loves writing, so her husband bought her a gift of going to a writers’ club. She has never loved him so much because he had truly heard what she had said. He really took notice of it and acted on it. It was a little gesture.

 

People shouldn’t take their partners for granted, which is easy to do if you have been together for a long time. If your partner comes in from work tired, make them a cup of tea, ask about their day. That really matters to someone.

 

When things do break down and you have an argument it is really important to apologise. It can be hard, but if can look somebody in the eye and say “I’m sorry” it defuses the anger and before you know it you are back saying “I love you” again.

 

People say you should count to 10 if you get an angry thought, but it has been scientifically proven that it takes NINETY seconds to get from the beginning to the end of an angry feeling. So if you feel you are going to lose it with your partner, take a 90-second time out before opening your mouth.

 

Couples need shared goals. I know many worry about money, but if you have a shared goal of how much you want to save, where you want to go on holiday, or how you want to spend that little nest egg, talking about it together is going to make things work so much better than having secrets or getting resentful.

 

In the end, falling in love is easy. Being in love and staying in love is where the effort comes in.

You have to think about what you and your partner want from each other... and how to rediscover what you have lost along the way.

Find out if you've lost that loving feeling

Five questions to make you think about whether your relationship is in trouble:
1 . How does your partner make you feel when you are together?
2 . How much does your partner praise or put you down?
3 . Do you like your partner most of the time/some of the time/hardly at all?
4 . When you row, do you repeatedly bring up other issues that are still brooding under the surface and play the blame game?
5 . When you spend time with your partner do you wish you were somewhere else instead?

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The Sacred Art of Listening -- Nourishing Loving Relationships

The Sacred Art of Listening -- Nourishing Loving Relationships

To listen is to lean in softly
With a willingness to be changed
By what we hear 
-- Mark Nepo

What happens when there's a listening presence?

When we're fully in that listening presence, when there's that pure quality of receptivity, we become presence itself. And whether you call that God or pure awareness or our true nature, the boundary of inner and outer dissolves and we become a luminous field of awakeness. When we're in that open presence we can really respond to the life that's here. We fall in love.

This state of listening is the precursor or the prerequisite to loving relatedness. The more you understand the state of listening-of being able to have the sounds of rain wash through you, of receiving the sound and tone of another's voice -- the more you know about nurturing a loving relationship.

In a way it's an extremely vulnerable position. As soon as you stop planning what you're going to say or managing what the other person's saying, all of a sudden, there's no control. You're open to your own sadness, your own anger and discomfort. Listening means putting down control. It's not a small thing to do.

>>Dating with a difference: Connect Fish2Fish with someone special

We spend most of our moments when someone is speaking, planning what we're going to say, evaluating it, trying to come up with our presentation of our self, or controlling the situation.

Pure listening is a letting go of control. It's not easy and takes training. And yet it's only when we can let go of that controlling that we open up to the real purity of loving. We can't see or understand someone in the moments that we are trying to control what they are saying or trying to impress them with what we are saying. There's no space for that person to just unfold and be who they are. Listening and unconditionally receiving what another expresses, is an expression of love.

The bottom line is, when we are listened to, we feel connected. When we're not listened to, we feel separate. So whether it's the communicating between different tribes or religions, ethnicities, racial groups or different generations, we need to listen. The more we understand, the less we fear -- the less we fear, the more we trust and the more we trust, the more love can flow.

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Peter Lynagh , who has abstained from sex for a year. Photo: Pat Scala

A Year Without Sex Proves a Catalyst for Love

By his own admission, Pete Lynagh was ''completely shallow''. Picking up women was his thing. Weekends were a blur of parties, clubs and one-night stands.

But a lot can change in a year. After swearing off sex for 12 months on New Year's Day 2013, the 33-year-old has discovered a version of himself he's happy to see in the mirror. His vow of celibacy led to a spiritual awakening that transformed his outlook on life and love.

''My attitude now with relationships is about sharing a life, whereas before it was sharing a bed,'' he said. ''I could definitely say I was addicted to that need for validation from getting lots of sex. I felt empty inside. I didn't like myself. I felt good whenever I was feeling wanted from multiple girls. It's not a good place. It's a pathetic, sad place, really, looking back. It was all ego-driven. How many players out there are doing the same thing because they feel empty?''

But this is more than a tale of one man's year without sex. Through ''Pete's Chastity for Charity'' Facebook page, the Northern Irish-born boxing instructor and DJ raised more than $50,000 for Free to Shine, an Australian-founded organisation that rescues Cambodian children from sex slavery and provides them with educational scholarships.

In September, Mr Lynagh made an emotional journey to Cambodia to visit the children who, thanks to his efforts, are now in school instead of working in brothels.The money has been used to set up an office and employ staff, allowing the charity to boost the number of girls it is supporting from 70 to 150.

''I was so inspired by the kids over there. Some of the stories are horrific, but they're the happiest people I've ever met in my life. One of the girls was found in a bin. One was tied up in a bag and thrown in the river by her dad. One kid had HIV; she was 11. Her parents died of HIV and people in the village wouldn't go near her so she had to fend for herself,'' he said.

''These are kids who were at high risk of being sex trafficked because nobody was looking out for them. It was overwhelming at times to think that something that started out with my housemate betting me I couldn't

abstain from sex for a year, created all this stir and made this money to help these kids. It was so humbling I cried.''

His self-imposed chastity posed a number of challenges, which he documented in a blog and video diaries. Kissing was allowed, but no physical contact beyond that. When he found himself in a two-month relationship early in the year, ''animal attraction'' took over and he nearly broke his abstinence.

In hindsight, he sees it as a test. ''I was really attracted to her, but she wasn't interested in me. Again, I was just looking for external validation so the relationship was never going to work. I really didn't like myself due to some issues in my childhood and I really had to work through a lot of heavy stuff to get to know my true self.

Find love online: Fish2FishDating

''Now, I have a purpose in life - to serve others - and I love myself warts and all. I'm excited about the prospect of finding a partner in the future.''

While he jokes that his original plan for New Year's Day 2014 was ''waking up in the Playboy mansion high-fiving Hugh Hefner and a dozen of his play bunnies'', celebrations were low-key. He had dinner with friends on New Year's Eve and was home in bed, alone and sober, by 10.30pm.

This year, rather than chasing women, his focus is a new role working with Melbourne-based NGO The Big Umbrella, which funds projects in Australia and overseas to help children live free from poverty and exploitation.

He doesn't know when his ''drought'' will break, but he knows what he wants.

''I'm craving companionship and intimacy, but I'm actually looking for a connection with a partner and then the sex will be a bonus. Going out and having meaningless sex just doesn't even appeal to me any more. Now, I'm attracted to depth and a woman's mind and her outlook on life and if she's genuine and honest and has a good heart. I've grown up.''

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