Online Date with Fish2Fish

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Dating and "The Silent Treatment": How Do You Deal?

The dreaded silent treatment.

Is there anything worse or more uncomfortable than the morning after an amazing date? Your phone hasn't rung or buzzed once with a cute message or a quick "good morning". It just sits on your nightstand mocking you. You check it like grandma used to check her kettle on the stove. And we all know what they say about a watched kettle...UGGGH!

Silence, it turns out, is just a powerful as the written word. Does the term “deafening silence” ring a bell? Silence can hurt more than words in some cases. Why? Well, mostly because it forces you to draw on a place you don’t like. It is a state of being in which most women would rather have a bad hair day than experience: speculation. One moment you are this amazingly confident and sexy woman having the time of your life with this great guy and the next you find yourself thrust into a world of doubt, unanswered questions, and a perpetual feeling of uneasiness.

How could such an emotion be so powerful? What happened to you while you slept? How could that confident woman turn on herself overnight? The simple answer is silence.

Image: Derrick Tyson via Flickr

We all need to be reassured that it's ok to put ourselves out there emotionally. We got super dressed up, had waxes in places we don't really WANT to wax, shopped for that sexy new outfit he couldn't stop staring at, and we definitely thought about inviting him in. Men don't understand that a good date doesn't end on the doorstep. We would talk and kiss you all night if we could. We never run out of things to say and ways to express ourselves. Well, now that I write this, I can see why some men may get exhausted by us!

So back to the silence that is killing your morning groove. What are you supposed to do? That kettle ain't boiling on it's own! Could you actually pick up the phone and ask the reason for his silence? That’s risky. Think about that choice carefully. (I hope you all can appreciate my sarcasm when you read it). What could it hurt? Rejection? Possibly, but with all this speculation running amuck, you’ve already decided on the outcome. So I say just go for it. Like mom always used to say, "Use your words".

I say this because yesterday I reached out and used my words. I told someone I missed him. Well it was a text, if I'm being honest, but I reached out. Brownie points for the effort? I did break the deafening silence and the speculation (if it was mutual), and got a conversation going. Does it really matter how it happened?

Well, yes, it sort of does. I am an adult and should be acting like one. If I didn’t have a cell phone, internet, or email how would I have handled it? In 7th grade, I would have written a note, folded it like a heart, handed it to my best friend who handed it to her boyfriend who handed it to his best friend who had to spend at least 10 minutes trying to unfold it without it ripping. When he finally did get it open, he would be confronted with a bunch of checkmarks. I gave the poor guy homework. Great job 7th grade me- way to hook him in! I should have just walked up to him and asked him if he wanted to get a pizza instead of spending hours with my own speculation.

Silence, like words, has an impact on people, from the givers of the silent treatment to those on the receiving end. What I learned today is that it’s ok to break the silence if speculation is winning the day. Taking a chance and using your words can make all the difference on both “ends of the line”.

Annmarie

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Tuesday, 12 August 2014

The Inconvenient Truth Behind True Love (Warning: This will be personal)

The Author

Oliver Rivers

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About Me

A friend, father and partner on a journey to regain his freedom. A freedom of the mind. A freedom only I can give myself. Would love to hear your opinion on my article.

Today I would like to share with you my view on love and all things that come with it. It’s been a while since my last post where I raised the question if monogamy might be a failed approach to a happy long-term relationship.

A lot has happened since then and I am continuing to see things clearer with every day that passes and every challenge I take.

RETROSPECT

Oliver has been in a relationship with Adina since almost 10 years. These 10 years include one break-up, years of loving long-distance, an abortion, flings, tears, one pregnancy, an awesome son, personal transformation & growth, moving from Berlin to Bali, Indonesia, suffering, joy, excitement, insecurity, forgiving & dedicated inner work. After a bumpy 2013 they are still riding the ever changing wave of love & life together. 2013 has been challenging to their relationship but it has also been one of the most powerful and transforming years for each of them personally and their relationship.

THERE IS NO END, ONLY NEW BEGINNINGS

One thing that Adina and I have changed during this last year is the openness in which we communicate with others and one another. We are very open in terms of our relationship, our views and the challenges we are facing. (..and we faced big shifts & challenges especially during the last year) The more we lifted the veil (“Many people believed us to have the perfect relationship”) and let people take part in what’s really going on, the more we got confronted with things like:

“Do you really still love each other”
“I think it’s time to move on”
“Maybe you should look for a new partner”
“If it was meant to be, then it wouldn’t be so hard”

and so on …

At some point it seemed as if Adina and I where the only two people on this planet still believing in our relationship, our journey, our path. And to be honest that’s the only thing that really counts. From 10 different people you will get 12 different opinions on what the right thing to do might be.

That’s why I decided to share my view on why our relationship has not come to an end but is at the brink of a new era. Talk about the love that’s been keeping us together for the last 10 years and the energy that makes Adina my Soul mate wherever our journey might take us.

THE WAY I SEE “TRUE LOVE”

I grew up with a very naive view on love. For a long time I thought that the phase of “Being in Love” was something constant, never ending, always beautiful and peaceful. It would give me this never ending feeling of butterflies in my tummy, if I only found the right person. Pretty fast I realized though, that love seemed to be a little different than I was told to believe.

Love for me was always a feeling, nothing I could put in words. If a woman asked me why I loved her, I was never able to give her the answer she wanted to hear. Why? Because I don’t love a person because of “this” or “that”. I love a person because there is a connection that goes way beyond looks, character or things they do or not do. It is this connection that allows me to see the beauty in everything this person is.

BUT WHAT IF THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE TO LOVE?

What if there is a side that not many would talk about? Something that will challenge you, bring you to your limits & beyond; Something that might even lead you questioning your love to another person (due to what you have learned)? Could this balancing element be growth? Like with Yin and Yang, one can’t be without the other?

If this is to be true are we then all too fast misinterpreting challenges & difficult times as the end of our relationship, our love, instead of embracing it as a chance to grow as a soul, a human being?!

I see it happening over and over, people ending their relationship because it’s getting too “hard” or its not what it used to be (how could it as everything evolves) just to find them in the same spot years or even months later with the next partner.

I’m not saying that relationships shouldn’t end at all, but maybe we shouldn’t end it as fast as we tend to do in today’s “throw-away society”.

I think this quote puts it great. In my eyes “broken” stands for things like limitations, boundaries, conditioning etc. and “fix” for overcoming these. This is by any means easy but might this determine the true love we are all seeking for? The willingness and commitment to overcome ones limitations, boundaries, conditioning? Can true love ultimately only be found within?

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE?

If I would have judged my relationship with Adina by the standards that society puts forward for what a relationship should look like then we wouldn’t have made it very far. I would have probably left her for good after a year, since she wasn’t exactly the easiest character to deal with.

Still I knew she was the right one. How did I know it?

#1 Trust my inner voice

From the first day I met Adina I knew I wanted to be with that women no matter how bad she made me feel sometimes. I was always able to trust my inner voice since it’s independent of other people’s opinions and even my own mind can’t alter it. If this feeling goes, then I know it’s time to end or transition a relationship.

#2 Understanding the nature of “problems”

Whenever it came to problems in our relationship it was due to a lack of compassion, honesty, courage, flexibility or understanding never due to the fact that one wanted to hurt the other. We are all products of our environment. Realizing this helps and helped me defy even the greatest storms.

#3 Committed to growth

The longer we are together the more we are committed to growth as the true path and gift of our relationship. We all know our greatest fears, shortcomings or false beliefs. If you don’t see them yet or if you do not want to face them yet, your soul mate will for sure uncover them in a way they can’t be ignored. The relationship can become the greatest tool to accelerated your personal growth.

#4 It is all about you

One of the most important factors are that you are at peace with yourself. Love yourself for who you are without judgment. Or as the great philosopher Allen Watts puts it:

See what is without judgment.

Don’t try to force things, instead let go and let life unfold.

RELAX: NOTHING IS UNDER CONTROL

I am still on my way of becoming more at peace with myself, but I am seeing the things I want to overcome and how to overcome them clearer than ever before in my life and Adina plays a key role in doing so. Just by being who she is she confronts me with fears I’ve been carrying with me my entire life and I now have the chance to overcome these.

Adina gives me energy and encourages me to live up to my full potential. She is the only person I can be with 24/7. The closer Adina and I are getting to our true self the more beautiful, the more free and nurturing our life has become.

THE 3 BIGGEST CHALLENGES TO TRUE LONG LASTING LOVE

Letting go of the past - Not everything in life will go the way we want it, so letting go of things that hurt us is key of being able to move on. And if you want to take it even further see the beauty, potential and chance that each challenges brings along your way.
Being in the now – This moment is all we have since the past is history and the future does not exist. It is all we got. The more we are in the now the more we can appreciate & soak in each moment.
Change subconscious patterns – I am still controlled by patterns that no longer represent & serve the current state of mind I am in. Most of us are ruled by subconscious patterns that are rooted in early child hood. Becoming aware of them and trying to adjust them to the current state of mind is a key element in life and relationships as these patterns influence us in the most subtle way.

How about you? How do you see love? Have you found your soul mate? What are the 3 biggest challenges you are facing?

Would love to hear your story.

Oliver

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Want to save your love life? Restrict intake of anti-depressants

According to a new study, anti-depressants may affect your love life. ‘Drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), which work mainly through the serotonin system, were found to be affecting men’s feelings while drugs called tricyclic antidepressants seem to affect women’s feelings,’ said Hagop S. Akiskal from the University of California, San Diego.

During the study, they compared the effects of SSRIs and tricyclic antidepressants on the love lives of 192 people with depression – 123 women and 69 men – and whose mean age was 41. Researchers found that those taking SSRIs were more likely to say they felt less at ease with sharing their partners’ thoughts and feelings.

Men taking SSRIs reported being less likely to ask their partners for help or advice. Women on tricyclics were more likely to complain about disturbances in their sex life than men who had been taking tricyclics, the study noted. Doctors should inquire whether there is any impairment in the love life during depressive illness. ‘The loss of sexual desire and sexual feelings are common manifestations of depressive illness itself,’ Akiskal said in the study which appeared in the Journal of Affective Disorders.

What are the side-effects of antidepressants?

Side effects are common with all drugs, especially with antidepressants. Sometimes the side-effects are really bad and further intake has to be discontinued immediately. To avoid this, you should keep a track of whatever you feel physically and emotionally after taking antidepressants and discuss it with your doctor.

Side effects of SSRIs:

Sweating, anxiety
Nausea and dizziness
Sleeplessness or sleepiness and restlessness
Headache
Diarrhoea or constipation
Loss of appetite
Sexual dysfunction

Side effects of tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs):

Dryness of mouth
Drowsy feeling
Excessive sweating
Increased pulse rate
Blurring of vision
Constipation
Weight gain
Sexual dysfunction

Monoamine oxidase inhibitors also show similar side-effects. But, other reported effects of MAOIs include sudden rise in blood pressure resulting in stiff neck, severe headache and chest pain. Read more about Antidepressant drugs – all your queries answered

With inputs from IANS

Photo source: Getty images

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Monday, 11 August 2014

The Positives and Negatives of STD-Positive Dating Sites

Whether you want to date a Christian, a vegetarian or a millionaire, there’s probably a dating website out there for you, so it should come as no surprise that there are a handful of dating websites geared toward connecting people with the same sexually transmitted diseases.

However, some health experts worry that people with the same STDs may not realize they could have different strains. The experts fear that might lead to infections with multiple strains of herpes, HPV or HIV -- a development that could heighten the health dangers to the daters.

“Whether it’s a good idea or a bad idea, it certainly should not be a substitute for using all the same precautions you would use when dating outside that website,” said Dr. Andrew Sikora, a head and neck cancer specialist who deals with cases caused by HPV.

Having two strains of HPV can increase a patient’s likelihood of developing cancer, Sikora said.

Having two strains of HIV also could be dangerous, said Dr. Michael Wohlfeiler, the chief medical officer of the AIDS Healthcare Foundation. If one partner has been able to control his or her HIV with medication, getting a second strain could replace the first strain and be resistant to medication.

Wohlfeiler, who practices HIV medicine in Miami, said his HIV-positive patients generally tell him they don’t practice safe sex. He added that people who go to these sites often think they don’t have to worry about spreading the virus to their partners because their partners already have it.

Still, PositiveSingles.com spokeswoman Jenelle Marie said the site is a great way for people with STDs to get back into the dating world after their diagnosis. Founded in 2001, it was one of the first STD-positive dating websites and it now has about 800,000 members. Other sites include STDMatch.net, Mpwh.net, and PositiveLove.com.

Some users have found love, and others have just found good friends who understand what it's like to live with an STD, Marie said.

“It was a good way to get my feet wet again,” said Marie, who began using the site herself after she was diagnosed with a strain of herpes. “It can be such a traumatic experience contracting an STD to begin with. It’s a great way to get confidence back. ... I found it incredibly rewarding. I am still sexy. I am still attractive.”

Still, she said, PositiveSingles.com is not a place to help arrange unsafe sex encounters for people who have the same STDs. Users still need to be wary before giving out personal information, and they need to know that the STDs are self-reported, not verified.

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Turkey's PM said women ‘laughter’ #kahkaha in public is ‘moral corruption’

Turkey's Deputy Prime Minister Bülent Arınç gave a speech that reeked of chauvinistic notes after he made comments that women should not laugh in public because it might be a sign that she is happy in her love life. It was reported today that he said women should practice “chasteness” and withhold any signs that show a woman’s attractiveness, but it wasn’t long before the social media sphere was bombarded with laughter and smiles.

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Since yesterday the Twitter hashtag #kahkaha has been used more than 300,000 times and paired with photos of women strutting their beautiful smiles. Among the first women to tweet a photo smiling was Ece Temelkuran, a writer. She told BBC Trending that her entire timeline was beaming with smiles and she felt it was simply fabulous. The laughter and smiles protesting Bülent Arınç’s conservative statement started to build within hours of his speech and continues trending across all social media with thousands of women sharing their laughter and smiles with hashtag #. In fact, some men are also jumping onboard to show their support that laughter regardless of a person’s gender is healthy and shouldn’t be damned by anyone, especially politicians.

Many Turkish citizens believe their government should be more concerned on preventing violence, rape, and murder against women -- instead of asking them to stop expressing laughter in public. Ece believes that his statement was shocking and is so out-of-touch.

Maria Spirova, a journalist, tweeted, “I support of #Turkey women’s right to laugh be free human beings. Conservatism is going mad in politics!” Arinc’s political ideologies have backfired as women and men “literally laugh in his face,” as @Channel4 tweeted. Seriously, look who's laughing now.

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Sunday, 10 August 2014

INDIAN MATCHMAKING SITES LET YOU SEARCH BY BLOOD TYPE...AND YOU THOUGHT OKCUPID'S QUESTIONS WERE INTRUSIVE

These days, we’re used to sharing details like gender, age, and even what we look like after a workout when it comes to online dating. But what if you were asked to share your blood type on a website like OkCupid — and not in a True-Blood-fantasy-come-to-life kind of way? According to Forbes magazine, matchmaking sites in India are listing personal details like blood type, annual income, and even whether or not someone is HIV positive (and we thought #aftersex selfies were going too far).

It doesn’t stop there either. Marriage sites like Jeevansathi.com and Shaadi.com allow for users to search by religion, mother’s tongue, and community/caste. I repeat, you can search for your soul mate by their caste in a country where caste-based discrimination is illegal.

Oh, it gets weirder: most of the profiles aren’t even created by the people they feature. They are created by their family members. According to Forbes, 30 percent of listings on Shaadi.com came from parents and siblings of the grooms and brides-to-be. Yikes!

These issues are only the tip of the online-dating-in-India iceberg. There are numerous other factors that would make anyone on this side of the globe want to run and hide from their laptop should they be asked to share them — don’t even get me started on the isue of privacy. So why is it so different over there in India than here in the states? Does sharing your blood type, or letting your mom make a dating profile for you seem that out of the ordinary in India?

Kevin Lewis, an assistant professor of sociology at UC San Diego who has studied dating sites, explains to Forbes that it’s a matter of national differences. He says that while we may value personality-related details (e.g. long walks on the beach and whether or not someone likes cats), these sites understand that their target audience is looking for something else when it comes to marriage.

“Indian dating sites will meanwhile try to cater to whatever beliefs about compatibility are popular in India – which likely have more to do with religion, caste, etc. than in the United States… and also where providing certain types of information (e.g. birthdate, HIV status) may not scream ‘invasion of privacy!’ in the same way it does to Americans.”

Although we might think India’s version of Match.com is strange and twisted, I’m sure some of our online dating habits are even more strange and more twisted to them. Despite cultural and religious differences, the Internet is still the Internet, and we all need to consider our privacy — and in some cases, the privacy of our family members — before diving into the online dating pool.

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Friday, 8 August 2014

6 TIPS FOR DATING IN THE BIG CITY: A GUIDE FOR NEWCOMERS

When you come from a small town, or from the peaceful, leafy suburbs of Bumblefuck, Western Australia (like I did), dating in any big, cosmopolitan city can be a strange and troubling experience. It can also be a lot of fun. Here are my six rules for getting the most out of dating in in the city and staying sane and positive while you’re at it.

1. Date Online: I’m not saying you shouldn’t be open to meeting people in more traditional ways, but I am also saying you should be dating online. Maybe there’s still a bit of a stigma attached to online dating where you’re from, but in the city, it’s de rigueur. Serious relationship seekers are on Match.com, casual sex fiends are on Tinder, and OKCupid has a little of everything. But everyone is on something. For dudes, there’s an extra plus. For some reason, a lot of guys have trouble keeping their drooly creepiness under wraps online. Any woman on Tinder or OKCupid gets a daily deluge of inappropriate, explicit and weirdly detailed sexual messages. That’s not fun for them.

On the plus side though, dudes, if you’re able to reign in your creepy id for long enough type an IM, you’re already at a huge advantage. Keep that shit courtly and you will see results. She’s got a great picture? Can’t stop thinking about sliding your fat cock between her tits or whatever it is? That’s good! Everyone should have an interest! But keep that information close to the vest at least for a little while, okay? Guys, this shouldn’t be hard.

2. Be Up For Shit: I grew up in a sleepy Australian suburb. Your mileage may vary, but unless you were raised in a strange commune, a big city is probably more sexually permissive than wherever you’ve come from. People are more likely to tell you exactly what they want from you in bed. This can be a steep adjustment but, on the whole, I’ve found it to be a very positive one. It’s great not to have to guess at what turns somebody on. It’s also more likely you’ll be called on to step outside your sexual comfort zone a little. Obviously you don’t have to do anything that really makes you uncomfortable, but it’s great to keep an open mind. You might find all kinds of fun in unexpected places.

3. But Only Be Up For Safe Shit: I’m all for sexual permissiveness but that doesn’t mean being unsafe. In the last couple of months, I’ve heard a bunch of stories from lady friends about Tinder hookups trying to weasel out of condom use. There’s a pattern to these stories. After a night of flirting and drinking and making out and more drinking and going back to someone’s apartment and foreplay, you reach a point of momentum at which not having sex becomes almost unthinkable. It’s only then that he brings up the condom thing: “Oh, by the way, I can’t use a condom because [whatever].”

This isn’t by accident, it’s coercion, designed to make you feel like you either have to accept an unreasonable risk or take responsibility for “ruining the moment.”

Guys: don’t do this. Just don’t. Ladies: recognize this kind of bullshit for what it is and don’t accept it.

4. Don’t Be Jealous: I never really had to have the exclusivity talk where I’m from. If you were sleeping with someone, the default position was that you were sleeping only with them. In the city, it’s the other way around. The person you really like is sleeping with whoever they want until you both agree otherwise. This can be a tricky adjustment — painful to the heart and punishing to the ego. Try not to let jealousy ruin your dating experience. If exclusivity is a priority for you, be upfront about what you need. If your partner can’t accommodate you, it wasn’t going to work, anyway.

5. Be Sincere: Everyone knows that dating is crazy and that has led to a strange kind of relationship tourism. A Carrie Bradshaw syndrome, if you will. “I did it for the story” is a real reason for crazy behavior these days, apparently. More than once, I’ve found myself trying to put my finger on what was a little off about a date and thought: This girl actually wants me to do something fucked up! That’s difficult to prove and I have nothing to quote except the vibe, but I believe this happens. Bad writers think they need crazy relationship stories and some people just believe they aren’t proper grownups unless they’ve gone through a hazing process of strange sex.

By all means, be a writer, be a comic, be whatever. It’s your right to turn your experiences into art. At The Frisky, we do it all the time. But approach each date with a sincere intention to make some kind of connection with a person. The wild stuff will happen without you looking for it. Your date is a human being, not fodder for your blog. Don’t do things you don’t like with someone you think is gross just to have a crazy story. That story won’t make you sound worldly, it will make you sound gross.

6. Embrace The Mess: You will have disastrous dates. You will have awkward and sometimes unpleasant sex. You will face rejection and heartbreak. Isn’t that great? Can’t you just feel yourself becoming a more experienced and well-rounded human being? Dating in a big city is a grand adventure. It’s good to have an end goal in mind, but don’t let that stop you from valuing each experience along the way for it’s own sake — even the bad ones. Oh, and be nice. This is hard for everyone.

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