The Right Way to Tell Your Partner You're Into Kinky Sex

The Right Way to Tell Your Partner You're Into Kinky Sex

There's a fine art to introducing your new sex partner to your kinks. Showing up with an armful of paddles and chains without a word is more than likely to freak them (or anyone) the fuck out. "You should think of it like easing into a cold pool," recommends sex expert Dr. Ian Kerner. Take it slow; no need to make them feel like they're in the middle of a Rihanna video the first time you start experimenting.

Keep in mind, though, no one should be put in a situation where they're not enjoying themselves. "To do things in the bedroom that one doesn't want to do, that's a formula for resentment and a deterioration of your sex life," says Dr. William Picker, a sex therapist with a BDSM subspecialty. If your partner's not into it after following this handy guide, don't push it. They might just not be the right sex partner for you.

1. Figure out what your kinks even are. Understanding not just what turns you on, but how and why it turns you on, can get your partner excited about trying something they're not used to. Plus you're going to need to be able to explain that stuff to your partner when you're blindfolded with your hands tied to the headboard. You can even write up a script to practice. "Any good sex life involves communication between the partners in terms of how one thinks about it and how they actually enjoy it," says Picker.

2. Start with hypotheticals. Start off slow and make it sexy and enticing for your partner. "You're expressing the 'deep end' when you discuss the fantasy," says Kerner, "instead of the 'shallow end.'" Kerner recommends presenting your kink as a dream you had in which you and your partner were acting on these desires, and see how he or she responds. It takes a bit of the pressure off, and talking about the fantasy in a hypothetical way removes any judgment from the discussion.

3. Use pop-culture references. If you want to get all BDSM-lite on your partner, start leaving Fifty Shades of Grey around the bedroom, and reference it in your convo, suggests Dr. Jane Greer, New York-based marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. Kerner recommends seeking out porn that explores your particular kink to watch together. Having a book or movie bring up the topic for you can be an easier way to gauge your partners reaction. If they say, "I would never do that, I think it's awful and embarrassing," you can easily be like, "Haha me neither and also we're breaking up. Bye!" No harm done.

4. Sneak little bits of kink into regular sex. Kerner and Greer both recommend demonstrating some of the lighter aspects of your kink to your partner during a regular sex romp — but that doesn't mean handcuffing them without warning, or busting out some hot wax. "Arousal has a way of naturally lowering your inhibitions and it releases a chemical cocktail that loosens you up," explains Kerner. Some light spanking or dirty talk (probably) won't kill your partner's sex drive on the spot, even if they're a little confused right away. Just don't get carried away.

5. Give your partner something to do. Giving your partner instructions and telling them why you love seeing them do it can be extra encouraging. "When a man tells his girlfriend he wants to have a threesome, she might think, 'Oh, he just wants to get in bed with another woman.' The reality of it may be that he finds it stimulating to see her pleasured," says Kerner. Even if you think he finds your fantasy daunting, making it about him can be empowering and make him more receptive.

6. Show them how much you love it. "During really good sex, the idea of the giver or receiver loses meaning," says Picker. "The act of doing and experiencing one's partner's pleasures is, by absolute definition, pleasure as well." Even your partner can't get into your kink, they might still get off on knowing you're getting off. When you're introducing them to it for the first time, be vocal and show them how hot it makes you.

7. Be open to new stuff. Just because you're into serious punishment and your partner isn't, doesn't necessarily mean your sex life is doomed. Instead, try to find a similar kink that you're both into. "I think everyone has experiences with pain as potentially pleasurable," says Picker. "Pain of being bit by a mosquito only to have the pleasure of scratching. Delay of orgasm can be a version of punishment. Even vanilla people can participate in a little bit of teasing, which is a kind of pain." You might not be able to get your partner to hogtie you and spank you, but if you can both get off on a little blindfolded role play, you're in good shape.

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How To Date A Co-Worker: Tips For A Successful Office Romance

[REX]

How To Date A Co-Worker: Tips For A Successful Office Romance

If you’re looking for love then meeting your Mr Potential at work is one of the top three ways singles hook-up. The other two are meeting through friends and online dating. 

Whichever way you meet, there are always potential difficulties to negotiate. For example, sometimes friends set you up with someone you can't stand and you're stuck having to be nice to them because you might bump into them again socially. And there's always the danger when meeting someone online that they'll turn out to be nothing like their dating profile.

eeting someone in the workplace has its own set of obstacles. At first it’s thrilling, exchanging glances over your desks and lingering in the staff canteen hoping to bump into each other. But it’s crucial to get clued-up and face the realities of these romances.

Dating a colleague can be tricky territory

Here are 10 top tips for a stress-free office romance:

1) Sounds a bit ‘Big Brother-ish’ but check your company’s policy on relationships between colleagues. Some bigger companies, especially internationals, forbid them. It might seem unreasonable, but you don’t want to break your contract any more than you want to get a broken heart. 

2) Even a decade ago it was easy to have a bit of banter and flirt at work. With sexual harassment laws now in place, be very aware of the difference between a little banter and ratcheting it up to full-on flirting. Remember, those laws are there for your own protection, so it's best to heed them.

Some people feel awkward seeing flirting going on in the workplace, so discretion is crucial. You can signal your interest to that Mr Potential with lots of flirting when others aren’t in earshot.

Keep your relationship subtle! [REX]

3) Let’s say you two have got it together and are now dating. While some will be happy for you, other colleagues won’t want their noses rubbed in it. You might want to show how loved-up you are, but keeping it low-key at work is better all round.

4) Being professional involves more than you two simply leaving the flirting and loved-up vibe at the office door. It also means taking care not to show favouritism to each other. Or overcompensating by going out of your way not to help each other. As a rule of thumb, use how you treated each other before you started dating, to guide your behaviour now.5) An excellent way to keep some professional distance is to keep liaising with other workmates about day-to-day decisions and issues at work. One thing people have confided in me, is they ended up using their new partner as a sounding board for everything to do with work. That doesn’t give you the full array of views available around your office.

6) It feels exciting now, but it’s far too easy to bring your work home with you when you work in the same office. Discuss setting boundaries on how much you talk about work - outside of work - to prevent any ‘boardroom-boredom’.

7) It might be a red hot fantasy sleeping with your manager, but when it comes to the real world of work, set ground rules if one of you has seniority. For instance, if you have less seniority you can’t expect them to give you a leg-up just because you’re getting your ‘leg over’ at the weekend together.

That would damage his position and undermine your own worth in the workplace. 8) Speaking of fantasies, many have exciting ones about getting frisky in the finance office or sexy in the stationery cupboard. And in my sex-tips articles I often recommend racy work-based fantasies for fun sex-chat. But the reality is, you need to keep it as a fantasy - you could face disciplinary action if caught in compromising circumstances at work. And it could seriously harm your career if you did.

9) Who doesn’t love having an office-gossip? Especially about colleagues’ love lives and your own? One study found nearly 80 per cent of office gossip was based on who was flirting with each other, who fancied a colleague, etc. 

It is one thing to share with workmates that you’re seeing Andy from accounts, but quite another to give intimate details. After all, he deserves privacy and you wouldn’t want him sharing gory details about your sex techniques with everyone in his department.

Leave your intimate relationship at the office door [Rex]

10) In Fifty Shades of Grey, Ana was swept off her feet by Christian in a workplace interview. But their relationship was far from plain sailing and emotions got tied up in knots… as well as other things!

It can be really tough if things start going downhill with your relationship. In this case, you both must agree to keep personal difficulties out of the office. You might feel you can't wait until you clock out to tackle your differences, but if your personal life starts getting caught up in your work or, even worse, if you start being petty at work in order to teach your other half a lesson, it’ll reflect very badly on you.

By Dr Pam Spurr, sex, relationships and self-help expert. Catch her on Twitter @drpamspurrand the author of The Emotional Eater’s Diet. 

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