The Right Way to Tell Your Partner You're Into Kinky Sex

There's a fine art to introducing your new sex partner to your kinks. Showing up with an armful of paddles and chains without a word is more than likely to freak them (or anyone) the fuck out. "You should think of it like easing into a cold pool," recommends sex expert Dr. Ian Kerner. Take it slow; no need to make them feel like they're in the middle of a Rihanna video the first time you start experimenting.

Keep in mind, though, no one should be put in a situation where they're not enjoying themselves. "To do things in the bedroom that one doesn't want to do, that's a formula for resentment and a deterioration of your sex life," says Dr. William Picker, a sex therapist with a BDSM subspecialty. If your partner's not into it after following this handy guide, don't push it. They might just not be the right sex partner for you.

1. Figure out what your kinks even are. Understanding not just what turns you on, but how and why it turns you on, can get your partner excited about trying something they're not used to. Plus you're going to need to be able to explain that stuff to your partner when you're blindfolded with your hands tied to the headboard. You can even write up a script to practice. "Any good sex life involves communication between the partners in terms of how one thinks about it and how they actually enjoy it," says Picker.

2. Start with hypotheticals. Start off slow and make it sexy and enticing for your partner. "You're expressing the 'deep end' when you discuss the fantasy," says Kerner, "instead of the 'shallow end.'" Kerner recommends presenting your kink as a dream you had in which you and your partner were acting on these desires, and see how he or she responds. It takes a bit of the pressure off, and talking about the fantasy in a hypothetical way removes any judgment from the discussion.

3. Use pop-culture references. If you want to get all BDSM-lite on your partner, start leaving Fifty Shades of Grey around the bedroom, and reference it in your convo, suggests Dr. Jane Greer, New York-based marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. Kerner recommends seeking out porn that explores your particular kink to watch together. Having a book or movie bring up the topic for you can be an easier way to gauge your partners reaction. If they say, "I would never do that, I think it's awful and embarrassing," you can easily be like, "Haha me neither and also we're breaking up. Bye!" No harm done.

4. Sneak little bits of kink into regular sex. Kerner and Greer both recommend demonstrating some of the lighter aspects of your kink to your partner during a regular sex romp — but that doesn't mean handcuffing them without warning, or busting out some hot wax. "Arousal has a way of naturally lowering your inhibitions and it releases a chemical cocktail that loosens you up," explains Kerner. Some light spanking or dirty talk (probably) won't kill your partner's sex drive on the spot, even if they're a little confused right away. Just don't get carried away.

5. Give your partner something to do. Giving your partner instructions and telling them why you love seeing them do it can be extra encouraging. "When a man tells his girlfriend he wants to have a threesome, she might think, 'Oh, he just wants to get in bed with another woman.' The reality of it may be that he finds it stimulating to see her pleasured," says Kerner. Even if you think he finds your fantasy daunting, making it about him can be empowering and make him more receptive.

6. Show them how much you love it. "During really good sex, the idea of the giver or receiver loses meaning," says Picker. "The act of doing and experiencing one's partner's pleasures is, by absolute definition, pleasure as well." Even your partner can't get into your kink, they might still get off on knowing you're getting off. When you're introducing them to it for the first time, be vocal and show them how hot it makes you.

7. Be open to new stuff. Just because you're into serious punishment and your partner isn't, doesn't necessarily mean your sex life is doomed. Instead, try to find a similar kink that you're both into. "I think everyone has experiences with pain as potentially pleasurable," says Picker. "Pain of being bit by a mosquito only to have the pleasure of scratching. Delay of orgasm can be a version of punishment. Even vanilla people can participate in a little bit of teasing, which is a kind of pain." You might not be able to get your partner to hogtie you and spank you, but if you can both get off on a little blindfolded role play, you're in good shape.

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How To Dirty Talk During Sex Without Feeling Silly

Did you know that dirty talk during sex can be a huge turn on for both you and your man? The truth is that talking dirty while getting busy under the covers will turn ‘ordinary, boring sex’ into ‘hot, kinky sex’ that you will remember forever! And while you might think that it’s quite tough to pull off the dirty talking act, in reality all it needs is a little confidence, some inspiration and just a tad of imagination. Trust us, if you could just get these tricks right, the benefits of talking dirty will outweigh the drawbacks any day (or night!)

Here we reveal some sex secrets that will knock his socks off in bed!

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1. Start simple by expanding your limits

For most of us, it is very easy to ooh and aah in bed. But when it comes to putting more words than that in to expressing our sexual fantasies, most of us hit a brick wall. The key to talking dirty with confidence is to know what to say, and how to say it right. You don’t have to sound too over the top and only use filthy curse words; try all the naughty little words you can think of that are within your comfort level and spin them in to sexy sentences. Verbs like smack, bite, fondle, suck, lick, grab, pinch and squeeze can come to your aid!

2. Be in control

There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to say it out loud. Be assertive by telling your man exactly what you want! Talking dirty in bed isn’t about emulating a porn star; rather it is all about enhancing your sexapade by letting your man know what you like, how you like it, and where you like it most; and do that with a lot of style. Remember to return the favour as well, and drive him wild by encouraging dirty talk from him! It’s all about being in control, girl!

3. Do not worry about sounding silly

One of the biggest mistakes women make when trying to dirty talk is to try hard not to sound silly. There is nothing silly about expressing your inner most sex fantasies to your man! We’ll let you in on a secret that we hope helps bring out that unbridled passion in you – When a man is turned on; a lot of things that would ordinarily sound ridiculous to him can begin to sound really, really, really hot! So don’t be afraid to try new hot dialogues; he will have no complains, we promise! If you want some help, note down a few snippets you heard in a steamy movie or read in a hot book and use them as an inspiration.

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But just like everything else, dirty talk comes with a few pitfalls as well. Here are a few things we suggest you NEVER try out in bed in the name of ‘dirty-talk’:

Compare your man to your ex; even if you want to imply he’s the best sexual partner you have ever had.
Mentioning parents when getting busy is ALWAYS a recipe for disaster.
Never let the dirty talk refer to the age difference between you two, or racial difference, or any such objectionable difference. Your dirty talk can be mildly offensive by using f-words, but never should be majorly offensive by laying down obvious personal differences.

Do you like to dirty talk in bed? What other things do you like to say or do? Have these tips helped you feel a lot more confident about trying it out next time?

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