The Right Way to Tell Your Partner You're Into Kinky Sex

There's a fine art to introducing your new sex partner to your kinks. Showing up with an armful of paddles and chains without a word is more than likely to freak them (or anyone) the fuck out. "You should think of it like easing into a cold pool," recommends sex expert Dr. Ian Kerner. Take it slow; no need to make them feel like they're in the middle of a Rihanna video the first time you start experimenting.

Keep in mind, though, no one should be put in a situation where they're not enjoying themselves. "To do things in the bedroom that one doesn't want to do, that's a formula for resentment and a deterioration of your sex life," says Dr. William Picker, a sex therapist with a BDSM subspecialty. If your partner's not into it after following this handy guide, don't push it. They might just not be the right sex partner for you.

1. Figure out what your kinks even are. Understanding not just what turns you on, but how and why it turns you on, can get your partner excited about trying something they're not used to. Plus you're going to need to be able to explain that stuff to your partner when you're blindfolded with your hands tied to the headboard. You can even write up a script to practice. "Any good sex life involves communication between the partners in terms of how one thinks about it and how they actually enjoy it," says Picker.

2. Start with hypotheticals. Start off slow and make it sexy and enticing for your partner. "You're expressing the 'deep end' when you discuss the fantasy," says Kerner, "instead of the 'shallow end.'" Kerner recommends presenting your kink as a dream you had in which you and your partner were acting on these desires, and see how he or she responds. It takes a bit of the pressure off, and talking about the fantasy in a hypothetical way removes any judgment from the discussion.

3. Use pop-culture references. If you want to get all BDSM-lite on your partner, start leaving Fifty Shades of Grey around the bedroom, and reference it in your convo, suggests Dr. Jane Greer, New York-based marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. Kerner recommends seeking out porn that explores your particular kink to watch together. Having a book or movie bring up the topic for you can be an easier way to gauge your partners reaction. If they say, "I would never do that, I think it's awful and embarrassing," you can easily be like, "Haha me neither and also we're breaking up. Bye!" No harm done.

4. Sneak little bits of kink into regular sex. Kerner and Greer both recommend demonstrating some of the lighter aspects of your kink to your partner during a regular sex romp — but that doesn't mean handcuffing them without warning, or busting out some hot wax. "Arousal has a way of naturally lowering your inhibitions and it releases a chemical cocktail that loosens you up," explains Kerner. Some light spanking or dirty talk (probably) won't kill your partner's sex drive on the spot, even if they're a little confused right away. Just don't get carried away.

5. Give your partner something to do. Giving your partner instructions and telling them why you love seeing them do it can be extra encouraging. "When a man tells his girlfriend he wants to have a threesome, she might think, 'Oh, he just wants to get in bed with another woman.' The reality of it may be that he finds it stimulating to see her pleasured," says Kerner. Even if you think he finds your fantasy daunting, making it about him can be empowering and make him more receptive.

6. Show them how much you love it. "During really good sex, the idea of the giver or receiver loses meaning," says Picker. "The act of doing and experiencing one's partner's pleasures is, by absolute definition, pleasure as well." Even your partner can't get into your kink, they might still get off on knowing you're getting off. When you're introducing them to it for the first time, be vocal and show them how hot it makes you.

7. Be open to new stuff. Just because you're into serious punishment and your partner isn't, doesn't necessarily mean your sex life is doomed. Instead, try to find a similar kink that you're both into. "I think everyone has experiences with pain as potentially pleasurable," says Picker. "Pain of being bit by a mosquito only to have the pleasure of scratching. Delay of orgasm can be a version of punishment. Even vanilla people can participate in a little bit of teasing, which is a kind of pain." You might not be able to get your partner to hogtie you and spank you, but if you can both get off on a little blindfolded role play, you're in good shape.

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The three main ingredients for a lasting relationship may surprise you because they’re not love, sex or money...

The Beatles sang that you “all you need is love”. But if that’s all you have, chances are that your relationship may struggle to go the distance – that’s what the love scientists and researchers are saying, based on several studies.

If couples want to last the 50 years to celebrate their golden anniversary, they need to bring more pragmatic stuff to the relationship than just the sparkly, shiny feeling of being in love. So what are two of the main ingredients in the recipe for everlasting togetherness?

The answer is commitment and space, according to two studies. These attributes may not be romantic or earth-moving, but experts say that mixed with generous dollops of respect, caring and affection, they can help your relationship shuffle happily into the twilight years.

1. A commitment to going the distance

The median age for divorce in Australia has been rising steadily for two decades and is now 41.3 years for women and 44.2 for men. In 2006, a third of divorces occurred in marriages of 20 years or more at a stage in life when many would feel the real hard work of raising kids, establishing careers and paying off mortgages could be behind them.

So why are these long relationships busting open just when they can see the light of good times ahead? The Relationship Institute at UCLA in the US says it boils down to the level of commitment to the relationship that couples take into the marriage at the start. Researchers followed 172 newlyweds for 11 years and found that the marriages that went the distance – 78.5 per cent – were made up of couples who were willing to “make sacrifices” for the sake of the marriage.

The researchers said the couples with successful relationships were committed not only to each other but to the overarching relationship, and were determined to protect it.

Relationship educator and counsellor Denise Reichenbach, of Relationships Australia, uses an analogy in which the relationship is the roof of a building and the couple are individual pillars working as a team to keep the roof from caving in.

She agrees that while love is important – and being in love is likely what got the whole thing started in the first place – a successful relationship that lasts for decades requires a commonsense approach and an initial deep and real commitment to making it work in good times and bad.

“The relationship is the higher shared goal,” Reichenbach says. “With couples making a commitment to doing what they have to do to keep it strong. It’s about putting the relationship first and facing the unavoidable reality that it can’t always be smooth sailing and good times.”

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2. A healthy amount of space

In a US study on couples, twice as many were unhappy with their lack of privacy and space than their sex lives, according to psychologist Terri Orbuch, a research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of 5 Simple Steps To Take Your Marriage From Good To Great (Delacorte Press).

Orbuch found that 29 per cent of spouses said they didn’t have enough “privacy or time for self” in their relationship, with more wives than husbands reporting not having enough space. The importance of space, she says, is that it gives people time to process thoughts, pursue hobbies and relax without responsibilities to others.

Reichenbach agrees that it’s important to allow partners to also pursue their own dreams, too. “Not every goal can be a joint one,” she says. “A relationship needs to have the trust and respect within it to allow each person to also be individuals.”

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3. Being affectionate

Cuddling and caressing were found to be more important ingredients for couple’s long-term commitment in a 2011 study by the Kinsey Institute in the US, which looked at relationship and sexual satisfaction. And contrary to stereotypes, tenderness was found to be more important to the men than the women.

Another interesting finding was that women’s sexual satisfaction within the relationship grew over time, with those who’d been with their partner for less than 15 years less likely to report sexual satisfaction than those who’d been with their partner for more than 15 years.

b+s sex and relationship expert Dr Gabrielle Morrissey insists that while relationships can survive without sex, this physical intimacy is what most people “signed up for” when they started the relationship.

“Sex can be the glue that keeps a couple together or feeling connected – it can be what helps them feel bonded, despite the challenges in their everyday life,” Morrissey says. “Without it, they often grow apart. Couples who enjoy a regular sex life, tend to nag less, fight less and feel as if they have an ally in their life, no matter the problems.”

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