I Think My Partner Is Cheating -- Now What?

"Most of us think we would never cheat..........Think again.   It can happen to you, It can happen to your partner. 
 My advice is ......don't even go there.  The grass always looks greener, but guess what ... it isn't.  So think very carefully before you take that step!
If you think your partner is cheating, hold back with the confrontation until you have hard core evidence."     -  Susan Watts

I Think My Partner Is Cheating -- Now What?

The signs are there. You suspect your partner is cheating and having a cyber, emotional or physical affair. You might be feeling betrayed, hurt and unsure of how to proceed. Your natural impulse is probably to immediately confront your partner and let them have it. However, a word to the wise: Stop and take a deep breath! Don't make any accusations until you have concrete evidence to make your case and secure a confession.

Here's why: When first confronted about the affair, your partner may clam up, deny and deceive you further to protect themselves from the fallout. They fear being abandoned, punished or rejected if the truth is discovered. They fear losing control and being forced to change. They may also want to protect you from being hurt.

So what is the best way to proceed?

As a relationship therapist and author of a book on this topic, here's my best advice: If your goal is to get to the truth, make sure you have the 4 P's covered -- Proof, Preparation, Purpose & Plan -- before talking to your partner.

Here's what you need to know and do:

1. Have proof.

You must have tangible proof of the infidelity, such as a text, email or voicemail message, a private detective's report, a piece of clothing you found that doesn't belong to you or even photographs -- something that you can produce as indisputable evidence.

Without proof, you will look (or be treated) like a distrusting fool at best and, at worst, you will ensure that your cheating partner learns to cover their tracks better.

Proof will also help you plow through your own denial. When we love and want to trust someone, it can create huge blind spots in our ability to see the truth. Let's face it, to hear your partner admit that he or she has cheated on you hurts to the core. However, the truth can also be the doorway to a better and healthier relationship on the other side.

The more proof you possess, the greater the chance you'll have to get your partner to come clean.

Only when you have PROOF can you proceed.

2. Be prepared.

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail." -Benjamin Franklin

Don't be surprised if your partner gets defensive, adamantly denying any and all wrongdoing and dismissing everything (i.e. "We're just good friends, that's all," "We're not having sex, so what's the big deal?" or "Lighten up. It was just a totally harmless text.")

When it comes to emotional or cyber infidelity where no physical intimacy has occurred, the boundaries are blurrier. It is often easy for the betrayer to deceive themselves (and you) into thinking their behavior is meaningless and harmless. Their denial may be even more defensive or aggressive.

Cheaters often use distraction as a tactic to deflect the truth by claiming you're being irrational or paranoid. They may even blame you for the time they were spending with someone else, claiming they needed a supportive friend because you were dropping the ball in the relationship by not providing something your partner needed or wanted.

The bottom line is, do your homework and be prepared. DON'T be surprised by your partner's reaction and DON'T lose your cool.

3. Know your purpose.

The purpose is to get the truth by getting your partner to confess. Once you have a confession and know what's really going on, you can work at a solution.

To do this, you must approach your partner in a rational, non-threatening way that alleviates your partner's fear instead of aggravating it. The intention is to get your partner to respond in a way that is forthright and honest.

Keep affirming to yourself... "I feel calm. I am safe. I can handle this. I want the secretiveness to stop. I'm in charge here and I'm going to get to the bottom of this."

4. Make a plan.

"If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up someplace else." -Yogi Berra

Make a plan to confront your partner and discuss the affair without interruptions. Choose the time and place carefully, then present the evidence one piece at a time.

It is very important to remain calm, no matter how much you may want to inflict physical harm on your cheating partner! Don't get me wrong, wanting to vent is healthy and necessary. In fact, it is essential to your own healing, as well as, the healing of your relationship that you are able to express your emotions.

However, getting upset, accusing, attacking, or name-calling will put your partner on the defensive and not help you get to the truth.

Remaining calm, cool, and collected is key to getting to the truth. Have a plan for how you'll deal with your anger and frustration when these emotions come up. The more calmly you deal with the truth, the more your partner will tell you the truth.

Do a personal check-in and make sure that you are emotionally prepared for the outcome of the discussion.

When the answer is "Yes! I'm ready!", here's what to do next:

Think Conversation, NOT Confrontation

First, remember to do everything you can humanly do to stay calm so that you can approach your partner in a diplomatic, non-combative way. A good way to start the conversation is to talk about yourself and start each sentence with "I" instead of "you." This will help your partner be less reactive.

Second, phrase the problem in a non-judgmental way by stating, "Something I discovered is upsetting me. I'm concerned (sad, hurt, frustrated) and I'd like to talk with you about it." This will maximize your chances of being heard and ultimately getting the truth.

Lastly, once your partner starts to open up, don't bombard him or her with questions. Studies show that people shut down, become defensive and lie when asked too many pointed questions (i.e. Who were you with? Why did you lie? How could you do this to me?). Know that this is an ongoing, unfolding discussion and everyone needs to come out of the shock and denial first. Listen carefully to your partner's responses so you can accurately assess the situation and keep the conversation going.

It helps to think of this conversation as a way to come together to understand and discuss what went wrong and what you can do about it now. Keep insisting: "I love you. I want our relationship to work. This has got to stop. This is what I need." If you can approach your partner with an expressed desire to use their confession for good-to ultimately improve your relationship-the conversation will be far more fruitful.

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The Top 5 Reasons Men Get Rejected

Top 5 Reasons You Keep Getting Rejected

In the game of love, everyone is rejected at some point. Of course, knowing exactly why you’ve been turned down isn’t always clear and if you don’t know what you did wrong, how can you improve your chances? Luckily, you aren’t the first man to be turned down. As long as men have been chasing women, they’ve been being turned down. Why? For starters, the way a man presents himself is key to attracting a woman’s attention, and it’s something most men overlook. Most men think that the clothes they wear or how much money they have is what is primarily going to attract women, but it is actually much simpler than that. You are not the problem; the way you present yourself is. You can improve your odds in the dating game and finally feel like you know what you’re doing by simply addressing the most common mistakes.

1. Understanding Body Language

While it’s true that confidence is something women find sexy, it takes more than boasting and flirting to portray that you are comfortable in yourself. Body language is key. You want to show your prospective date that you feel good in your own skin and feel in control of the situation. Stand up straight and make eye contact. Humans communicate primarily through body language; your words will mean next to nothing if you present yourself in an alluring way. But remember: Women can often tell if you are actually confident in yourself or just faking. Work on your self esteem and approach women with an air of ease for best results.

2. Matching Energy and Atmosphere 

Society tells us that a man should be solemn and serious, a grounding, powerful force, but women want someone they can connect with. Before asking a woman out, gauge her energy levels and the general atmosphere of the people around her. A woman is going to want you to meet her on her level: Be charming and attentive but always note her reactions so you can adjust your approach. Make it hard for her to turn you down by engaging her and showing her that you can understand her body language and meet her needs and wants.

3. Choosing Positive Body Language

Here we go again with the body language. Yes, it’s really that important. Dating and flirting are just evolution’s way of helping two people determine if they are right for each other. Those basic instincts from hundreds of thousands of years ago are still alive in us. Facing a woman head on will make her feel confronted and uncomfortable. A successful man makes a woman see he is powerful enough to keep her safe and gentle enough to protect her. Practice embodying confidence without aggressiveness.

4. Walking the Thin Line Between Too Much and Too Little

Since being socially appropriate is always a must in dating situations, knowing just how confident and assertive to be is a conundrum for many men. Being loud and obnoxious won’t gain you the attention you seek and neither will sneaking into their social circle and waiting for her to notice you. There’s a balance between these extremes. Harness your true confidence, address her with interest but don’t be overbearing. You want to appear highly interested, not obsessed or desperate.

5. Committing to Your Mission 

You will not get a yes from your prospective date if you have decided ahead of time that she will never say yes. You will also not get a yes from her if you walk into the situation eager to get out of it. If you really want to go out with this lady, you’re going to, at some point, spend time with her. Go into the situation with the mindset of wanting to know more about her and asking her out if things go well. Harness your confidence, remind yourself that the way you portray yourself is key, and be prepared to stay in the interaction until it has come to its natural conclusion.

Don’t run away. Whether she answers yes or no, sprinting away from her to hide behind the nearest curtain isn’t going to comfort her about her decision to say yes or inspire her to change her answer from no.

If you have gotten rejected a lot in the past, it’s likely you are trying to exact same approach over and over and expecting different results. Change it up a little. Try something new. Think about what your body language is communicating about yourself and the way your prospective date’s body language is asking you to connect with her. Stick with your original mission. Stay confident. And remember: You are an eligible bachelor; it’s the way that you present yourself that turns women away.

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