The Very Worst Types Of Guys You'll Meet Online

Dating is hard. Online dating is even harder. But it's an increasingly common and less socially-weird-than-it-used-to-be way of meeting potential mates. I've done my fair share of it. I've tried OKCupid, eHarmony, and Match to name but a few of the cyber romantic walkways I have stumbled down. I haven't found love yet (call me, Michael Keaton). And while I might every so often shut down every single account and vow never to do it again, I always come back for more.

 

Because the odds are a whole lot more likely that I'll meet a dude online than I will in real life. I work with mostly ladies, and while they are awesome, I am not attracted to ladies. When work is through, I go to the gym or usually I go home. So unless I plan on the potential disaster of hitting on someone at the gym or on the subway (where I feel like I'd just immediately be arrested for harassment), I've got to keep an open mind where online dating is concerned.

 

It's not always easy. In fact, it's far more likely that I'll decide to start taking classes or going to science lectures in the hopes of awkwardly meeting someone with whom I'd like to bump uglies, try that for a while, and when it doesn't work, then I reactivate all my old accounts. Nothing changes when it comes to dating. There are basically six types of guys you come across. It can be bleak, but I do it anyway. Because while I'm a cynic, I'm also a romantic. He's out there, I just, in the immortal words of Michael Buble, haven't met him yet.

1. The Two-Letter Lover

"hi" That's all he has to say. No caps, no punctuation, maybe an emoticon if you're lucky. He's into you enough to spend less than two seconds composing a message. He's into you enough to trick you into doing the heavy lifting. In other words, he's not into you at all. Dudes of the world, you're better off not messaging us at all if 'hi' is all you have to say.

2. Captain Overshare

He seemed cute in his profile. His answers were quippy and on point; his photos were adorable. You guys like all the same bands! You should be psyched when you see his message in your inbox. And you are! Until you open it and see that it's just an unsolicited photo of his junk. Don't call us, penis. We'll call you.

3. Mr. Wuthering Heights

Things are going great with this guy! You might even have made it as far as going out on a couple of dates. But something isn't right. He talks about his ex ... kind of a lot. And not, like, in a normal way. One glass of wine and suddenly he's crying and sobbing her name. You guys are having a great night, until he begins screaming for his ex at the restaurant. He's a real romantic, a rare breed indeed, but he's obsessed with his ex.

4. The Insta-Boyfriend

You go on one date with this guy, and in his eyes, you're married. He's ready to get hitched, to settle down, to start with the baby-making. So much so that he doesn't care who joins him in this endeavor -- so long as she's got reproductive organs and seems vaguely nice.

5. Colonel Not-So-Serious

He's got a smoking body; he's funny and smart. He's the perfect catch. Except for one thing: He has no intention of ever seeing you again. He's a lot of fun, and who doesn't love fun? You. Try talking to him about 'where this is going' and you'll get his lecture -- he thinks you're great but he's not looking for anything serious, whatever his profile might say.

 

6. ... Hello?

I am convinced there is a void where all dudes who you exchange one, positive message with before they disappear forever are currently sitting waiting to be rescued. Sure, stuff happens, but where do these mystery dudes go?

What other types of dudes have you found while dating online?

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Would this photo remind you to have a baby?

Would this photo remind you to have a baby?

A pregnancy testing company in the UK has come under fire for a campaign designed to "Get Britain Fertile", which seems to criticise women for waiting too long to start their family. Rebel Wylie investigates.

Lot’s of things make me clucky. The sight of my own kids soundly sleeping, that newborn baby smell or hearing a newborn make that tiny meow cry, even adverts with precocious little people in cute clothes make my uterus give me a nudge. Would an image of a pregnant elderly lady make me clucky? Probably not, but if time was ticking and procreating was on the agenda, it may make me think twice about getting my act in gear.

First Response has launched a campaign to get Britain fertility fit, including an image depicting 46-year-old TV presenter Kate Garraway dressed up to look like a heavily pregnant 70-year-old. First Response and Garraway claim that the provocative image is supposed to act as a kind of fertility wake-up call – a well-meaning attempt to reinvigorate the well-worn discussion of “how old is too old to have a baby?”.

Has it worked?

The overwhelming response has been negative. Social media has resounded with posts like:

“Kate Garraway’s Get Britain Fertile campaign is wrong, misogynistic and utterly naive,” and “Women struggling with fertility or lack of partner do not need a campaign in their face with wrinkly old mum & ‘Get Britain Fertile’ message’.”

One thing is for certain, good or bad, the image certainly has rocketed the campaign into the public conscience.

Whether a woman chooses to have her children in her 20s, 30s or 40s, it is her decision. You’d have to live under a rock to be unaware of the issues arising from delaying too long, so it’s pretty obvious that if a woman waits until her forties to start reproducing it’s not because she suddenly realised she’d forgotten to do it earlier. No, waiting until you’re older to have a baby is a complex choice that this kind of advertising is unlikely to influence. So let’s park the whole debate about women leaving it too long for one moment and instead, take a moment to look at some pros and cons for starting a family at different life stages:

• Have them in your 20s you’ll still be young enough to enjoy the freedom you’ll get when they’ve flown the nest. You’ll be savvy with the lingo and there’s a good chance their circle of friends will consider you the ‘hot mum’. Bonus! On the cons side, you’ll probably have to watch your mates post Facebook updates about their European holiday while you manage nappy changes and cracked nipples. Bummer!
• Have them in your 30s you won’t be either the too young or too old parent in the school ground. It’s highly likely that most of your friends will be going through the same thing as you at the same and you’ll form a great network, keeping each other informed when yoga pants and wine are on special. Neither young, nor old, you’ll boringly be right in the middle of the baby-making demographic. Y-A-W-N!
• Have them in your 40s and you’ll be satisfied you’ve lived fully before settling down. You might find it exhausting but your better financial security will mean your house will probably be big enough to have plenty of places to hide.

Whatever you decide has to be because it works for you. Pressure from your partner, friends, family and even advertising may make you feel like you have to rush into a decision. Arm yourself with knowledge about what delaying will mean for your chances, then look at the life that you want to live and go from there. Whatever you decide, good luck and have fun trying!

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