Friday 28 February 2014

Stop Breaking Plans via Text

Stop Breaking Plans via Text

Image credit: Theis Creative

Do you make, break, or adjust your plans via text?
Maybe, says writer and designer Emily Theis, it’s time to stop. Because it’s making us bad at dating—and, I’d argue, it’s bad for friendships, too.
Per her blog post,
Text-dating and text-scheduling are really great for people like me who are busy and prioritize their independent work above dating most of the time. But when it comes to plans, texting lacks connection and commitment. If that guy had to call me to cancel, he would have to hear my voice responding. He would hear I was disappointed. He might have apologized, rescheduled, or re-adjusted his working schedule. Or maybe I would have heard how non-committal he was and cut it off right there.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone: 48 (48!) percent of breakups happen via email, according to Statistics Brain. Nothing noted on the site about how many breakups (or broken plans) happen via text, but the point is that it that electronic forms of communication lack a certain something when it comes to expressing emotion. Like...actual emotion. Conviction. Tangibility. Text chemistry is not real-life chemistry, in other words (and as I've learned the hard way more than once). And, as Emily points out,
Ultimately, when you get down to really connecting, you can’t show your commitment to someone over a screen.
Readers, what say you? Do you prefer to make—and break—plans via text? Have you ever broken up with someone over text? (I have, and looking back, it was a dumb move.) Have you ever been broken up with via email? (I have, and it felt awful. I've also gotten into text fights, but let's not go there for now.) Share your feedback in the comments below.

Thursday 27 February 2014

Designer Vagina?

Designer Vagina?

All women have them, but not all are happy with theirs. Cosmetic surgery to “improve” the look of female genitals is becoming more and more prevalent, so it’s scary to discover that information on the internet about such procedures is often misleading, and sometimes downright false. Adding to the problem, there are also no universal guidelines to standardise these types of surgeries. This is extremely worrying for anyone thinking about altering their lady bits.

A study published in the Obstetrics & Gynecology edition of the online journal BMJ Open, found internet information available for women considering “designer vagina” procedures is seriously lacking. The authors of the study Googled private providers of said surgeries and analysed the UK and US sites that were at the top of the search results.

Websites were light on objective facts and heavy on fear-mongering, with one site stating: “A woman might have a face lift and look really young until she goes to bed and a partner can see the evidence of ageing there."

With language like this being thrown around it’s no wonder increasing amounts of women feel the need to have a vagina “face lift” (to resize the labia) or procedures to nip and tuck the “bud”.

And if that wasn’t sufficiently disturbing, some sites are offering “hymen repairs” so you can become a virgin again. Sex is never comfortable the first time (no matter what 50 Shades of Grey says), so we can’t imagine having to go through it all over again. One website also said it could guarantee a woman could bleed on her wedding night and "keep [her] head high”, after having their procedure. It seems that loads of these websites are playing on women’s insecurities to peddle their products.

While most of them claimed there were (unsubstantiated) benefits to self-esteem and confidence post-procedure, they weren’t so forthcoming on actual facts. Only two of the sites studied indicated the success rate of the surgeries they offer, and NONE of them referred to a lower age limit for people undertaking a procedure. That’s scary. They were responsible enough to point out that there were risks involved, but dangers were downplayed and half of them didn’t bother to say what they actually are.

The study’s authors said: "This report highlights significant gaps in the breadth, depth, accuracy and quality of clinical information given by some service providers of female genital cosmetic surgery...and highlights a certain degree of distortion to the information provided by medical practitioners in an area that is imbued with value judgment.”

The moral of the story is, if you’ve decided that you want to look more “refreshed” in the nether regions, it would be smart to do some serious research beyond Google.

View the original article here

Other previous articles:

Is Equality in Marriage a Sexual Turn-Off?

Is Equality in Marriage a Sexual Turn-Off?

Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb's NY Times Magazine article, "Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?" shares sociological studies examining “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which posit that as couples become equal breadwinners and caregivers, the satisfaction they gain from sharing the chores is somehow dampening their desire for each other.  One study claims: “The less gender differentiation, the less sexual desire.” In other words, in an attempt to be gender-neutral, we may have become gender-neutered."  Is she right?

If a man helps me fold the sheets, does that negate his manhood?  Nonsense.

Here is the, ahem, thrust of Gottlieb's argument:
Marriage is hardly known for being an aphrodisiac, of course, but [this is] referring to a particularly modern state of marital affairs. Today, according to census data, in 64 percent of U.S. marriages with children under 18, both husband and wife work. There’s more gender-fluidity when it comes to who brings in the money, who does the laundry and dishes, who drives the car pool and braids the kids’ hair, even who owns the home. A vast majority of adults under 30 in this country say that this is a good thing, according to a Pew Research Center survey: They aspire to what’s known in the social sciences as an egalitarian marriage, meaning that both spouses work and take care of the house and that the relationship is built on equal power, shared interests and friendship. But the very qualities that lead to greater emotional satisfaction in peer marriages, as one sociologist calls them, may be having an unexpectedly negative impact on these couples’ sex lives.
The "Egalitarian" study found that "if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car."

Hotel Bed

Image: Eric Chan via Flickr

Ok. So did a couple of guys who were frustrated with being asked to do the dishes get together and come up with this one?  And do we know the "1.5" number didn't have other mitigating factors attached to it?

As to what duties are an aphrodisiac, if one requires the performance of certain chores to turn you on, might I suggest gardening – all that digging around in the dirt with a trowel might be a little more primal…

So if a wife just sees her husband totin' that barge and liftin' that bale, he'll automatically become sexier?

He'll be sweatier, that's for sure.

Not every man with his shirt off looks like Ryan Reynolds splitting logs in the front yard.

Ms. Gottlieb admits that "correlations don’t establish causation, and especially when it comes to sex, there’s always a risk of reporting bias and selective sampling, not to mention the mood of a subject at the time of the survey."  i.e., "was the wife standing in front of garbage that had not been taken out."

The quoted study was published last year, but uses data compiled in the 1990s.  While attitudes have changed in 20 years, Gottlieb maintains her patients offered similar complaints, even though the sharing of child care and housework "makes a woman feel both closer to a man and happier with him."

Ms. Gottlieb shared that a female patient of hers wasn't turned on by her husband doing the ironing.
Ironing?  Hubba hubba!  I'm really turned on because it means I don’t have to do it.

If anyone wants to argue that ironing is woman's work, they ought to watch a military man iron his shirt.  Nobody irons or folds better than a man in uniform and I'd hardly argue any one of them are "feminized".

And by the way, our vacuum cleaner is heavy as hell so I appreciate it when my husband, who outweighs me by 90 pounds, schleps that thing around.  I find that mighty masculine.

Clearly, stereotypes are useless.  Isn't it also possible that in today's world, couples are working so hard to put the roof over their heads, take care of the kids, and/or an elderly parent, walk the dog, fix the roof, etc., that they're just bloody exhausted.  We have also become phone monkeys with entirely too much technology at our disposal that becomes a mindless balm and distraction from the day, encouraging ruts that are all too easy to get into.

To argue that a new division of labor in the home is causing men and women to somehow become homogenized and androgenous discounts the value of their happiness in the activities they share together.

Chopping salad in the kitchen with hubby is an excuse to flirt, razz one another and canoodle.  A lot more enticing a proposition than his sitting in the barc-a-lounger shouting 'bring me a beer, honey' while I stand in the kitchen cooking by myself – after we've both worked all day.  That's most definitely not an aphrodisiac.

Shared chores means the crap gets done faster, leaving a couple more time to go out and play.  Or stay in.  Besides which, unless a woman is preparing dinner in Victoria's Secret underoos, I doubt her doing classically "feminine" chores will drive her husband to distraction either, so I dispute that men and women maintaining stereotyped roles in the home is going to affect how they view each other sexually.

This study also indicates that men prioritize the erotic and women do not.  Say it with me:  Stereotype.   There are many factors, including perhaps a lack of communication or habits formed over a long union which are just as likely to cause the kind of bland erotic life on which Gottlieb reports.

Ms. Gottlieb also states the following:
Is the trade-off of egalitarian marriage necessarily less sexual heat? It’s possible that the sexual scripts we currently follow will evolve along with our marital arrangements so that sameness becomes sexy. Regardless, more people marrying today are choosing egalitarian setups for the many other benefits they offer. If every sexual era is unhappy in its own way, it may be that we will begin to think of the challenges of egalitarian marriages less as drawbacks and more like, well, life, with its inherent limitations on how exciting any particular aspect can be.
I would also disagree that being equal partners in marriage means you are turning into mirror images of each other.  I don't see drawbacks, but much greater fulfillment for both.  Equal partners experience less stress knowing the weight is carried on both their shoulders.  Equality does not equal "sameness."  In a comfortable, healthy relationship, partners are allowed flexible roles.  In any marriage, one person may be stronger at a certain task, though one partner pinch hitting for the other when needed is much appreciated.  No two people can maintain a successful union if they are each trapped into wearing the same hat all the time.

She also notes that "American couples who share breadwinning and household duties are less likely to divorce."  If some couples still have typical ideas of masculinity and femininity, cannot there be a differentiation between the romantic and the practical?

The studies Ms. Gottlieb cites argue that much is lost if couples are not able to maintain a "me Tarzan, you Jane" posture.  I would argue that the decision to offer each other that permission (or any fantasy you can name) is still plenty available.  Whether or not their relationship will support it has nothing to do with who is doing the laundry.


Other previous articles:

  • How to Be Not Terrible to Your Significant Other’s...
  • 5 signs you’re marrying the WRONG person
  • Ending Up "Just Friends"
  • Do You Get Pain During Intercourse? (dyspareunia)
  • Big testicles, fellas? She'll cheat on you. Tiny b...

  • Tuesday 25 February 2014

    How to Be Not Terrible to Your Significant Other’s Roommate, as Told by Cats

    cat snuggle

    How to Be Not Terrible to Your Significant Other’s Roommate

    Congratulations! You are in a relationship and having lots of passionate love-sex now. You spend every night together. You can’t stand to be apart. Which is great — for you two. But for your roommates, it is not great. Here’s how to be the best possible semi-permanent overnight guest.


    Your partner loves your naked bod. That’s their job. Their roommate doesn’t. That’s their job. Wear underwear, for everyone’s sake.


    It’s awkward because you’re there largely for the sex-having, the roommate knows it,  you know they know it, and they know you know they know it. But they are still a person, with opinions about things like the weather, Game of Thrones, and drone strikes, so talk to them.

    3. DON’T MOVE IN

    Living in a place costs money. You aren’t paying that money, so you don’t get to live in that place. Presumably, you are living in a different place, and you guys should go there sometimes, and annoy that roommate. Alternately, do move in, and pay rent.


    Most things are forgiven if you occasionally show up with a case of beer and pasta primavera for everyone. Cherry tomatoes, cereal, grapefruits, tofu, and beef are also appreciated. Also, Scotch. Also, toilet paper.


    Take your gross hair out of the drain. It happens to everyone, but you don’t live there and still have to pretend you’re not gross.


    You are not the creepy handyman. Just because you have a key doesn’t mean you have free reign. It’s nice to be alone and naked in your own house — give your partner’s roommate that gift.


    You like House Hunters International. Their roommate likes Grey’s Anatomy. You are a superior person obviously and get all the points, but they live there, so you can’t mess with their DVR.


    Bathrooms are a limited resource and you should respect them as the rare treasures that they are. Also, shower sex is terrible, so it’s fine.


    We’ve all done it, but that doesn’t make it right. You and your boo share food and that is fine and adorable. Stealing their roommate’s food is not fine and not adorable, even if you are real hungry. If you can’t control yourself, at least replace it.


    If you do your own dishes, you are a civilized person worthy of love. If you do your own dishes and also extra dishes, you are a saint to be celebrated.

    View the original article here

    Previous articles:

    Sunday 23 February 2014

    5 signs you’re marrying the WRONG person

    5 signs you’re marrying the WRONG person

    Making the decision to marry someone is one of the biggest moments of our lives and should be entered into seriously.

    marriage, wrong person, relationship, divorce
    It’s true that many marriages end in divorce, but it’s pretty crucial that you at least start out believing that it really is until death us do part. If you aren’t sure you’re making the right decision it could be a simple case of cold feet, or there could be deeper problems. Read through our list of potential deal breakers and see if any alarm bells start to ring.
    You think marriage will solve your relationship problems

    If you’re getting hitched because you think it will sort out all your difficulties, you need to have a serious rethink. Any problems that exist between you and your partner will still remain after the excitement of the big day has worn off and will only be exacerbated by the fact that you’ve committed yourselves for life. Tackle your problems before saying ‘I do’.

    You aren’t friends
    The first flush of romance is incredibly exciting and it’s easy to promise the world to someone when under the influence of that initial chemistry. If you rush into marriage at an early stage, you might find that once the honeymoon period is over, you aren’t compatible in the long term. If you don’t feel your lover is also your friend, you might not last the distance.

    Your life priorities are completely different
    If you want to travel the world in a camper van and rarely think past next week, but your partner wants to settle down with a mortgage and 2.4 kids, you’re going to struggle to find a happy future together. Compromise is vital to a relationship, but you shouldn’t be compromising so much that you end up unhappy.

    You think marriage will make you feel secure
    If you feel insecure in your relationship and are using marriage as a way to stop your partner leaving you, then you need to have a long hard look at yourself. Marriage should be a celebration of your love rather than a method of control, so address your insecurities before asking someone to make the commitment.

    Your family and friends don’t like your partner
    We don’t always see eye to eye with our friends and family about our choice of partner, but if there’s a general consensus amongst them that this person is really wrong for you, take a moment to stop and think. Your friends and family know you well, and care about your happiness, so they may be seeing something that your head-over-heels feelings have blinded you to. They may be wrong, but it’s worth listening to their opinions all the same.
    View the original article
    Previous articles:
  • Do You Get Pain During Intercourse? (dyspareunia)
  • Big testicles, fellas? She'll cheat on you. Tiny b...
  • Why Can’t Some Men Handle Rejection in Love?
  • Why are Some Women are Attracted to Married Men?
  • Relationship Audit
  • How to: Date a co-worker
  • How to Turn Sex into Sexercise: 9 ways to sex your...
  • Blowjob 101: Spit or swallow?
  • How to Talk About What You Want in Bed
  • How to Make Love Last
  • What really matters in a relationship?
  • Do Vaginal Orgasms Really Exist?
  • 10 Body Language Love Signals
  • Understanding Different Types of Breast Pain
  • 5 Steps to Freedom | How to get over someone
  • 3 Things Lasting Relationships Have in Common
  • The Sound of Hot: Attracted to a Sexy Voice?
  • Five Foods to Boost Your Libido
  • The Science of Happily Ever After
  • "Does he love me..?" :Know the Signs
  • How You Could be Getting it Horribly Wrong this Fe...
  • Made in Chelsea's Lucy Watson: Top 5 Dating Tips
  • How to Make Him Want You!
  • How To Avoid Trapped Arm Whilst Cuddling In Bed
  • The Perfect Girlfriend


    Saturday 22 February 2014

    Ending Up "Just Friends"

    Ending Up "Just Friends"

    We've touched on ending up in the friend zone on here before in a couple of previous posts – in "Can I Help You?," about men who offer to help women out too much, and in "Overproviding Good Feelings," which discusses the danger of doing too many fun things with women. But now we're really going to dive into the subject.
    Just how does some poor schmuck end up in the position of being "like a girlfriend;" how's a guy who wants to date some girl, or make her his girlfriend, or take her home and shag her silly end up being just friends?
    There are three big determinants of whether a man will end up as no more than a woman's friend. They are as follows:
    1. Speed – or lack thereof. There's no getting around it – men who move fast with women get more girls, and they even do better with the higher quality girls. How come? Because, generally, the longer a man takes to move things forward with a woman, the less she's going to tell herself she likes him. If a guy "works on" a girl for weeks or months and still doesn't take a girl to bed, she's going to view him as a lot less "man" than she does a man who beds her the day or the night he meets her, or on their first date.

      And when she looks back at those scenarios and considers them, she's going to think to herself, "Wow, I went to bed with Tom a lot faster than I went to bed with Sam... I must've found Tom much more attractive than Sam if I went to bed with him so much faster. But poor Sam... he's a nice guy."
      You should also consider that a woman will tend to view the man who took her to bed the quickest as the most dominant, powerful man she's been with; so, you want to strive to be the fastest to bed a girl usually, particularly if you want to have a long-term relationship with her, because in relationships it's always favorable for you to have the woman viewing you as the strongest, most powerful man of her life.
    2. How much you invest in her. The Law of Least Effort comes into play here, as the more effort a man puts into getting together with a woman, the less she's going to consider him a valid romantic option. Women are most attracted to men who get them as effortlessly as possible; if a man gets her while visibly expending little effort, she reasons that she must be quite attracted to him to be doing these things with him despite his lack of investment. The reverse is true, as well: men who invest a great deal of time, effort, and energy investing in women tend to get thought of as unattractive men. If he's such a great catch, why does he have to work so hard to get her?

      This is the source of the friend zoned-guy's lament: "I've done so much for her, and then she goes and runs into the arms of that guy, who treats her like dirt! I just don't get it!" That guy looking on confusedly from the friends zone can thank the Law of Least Effort – and his failure to apply it with this girl – for his predicament.
    3. What emotions you show with her. Women are attracted to sexy, mysterious men. They're not, despite what television tells you much of the time, really all that into sensitive men who wear their hearts on their sleeves. You still ought to talk about emotion with women, but that's the thing – you'll be talking about it. Showing it, on the other hand, is something else altogether.

      One of the mistakes that men who get friend zoned make is that they often show a great deal of emotion. Whether that's because they're genuinely emotional men, or whether that's because they think they need to be emotionally expressive in order to win women's hearts, it's a turn off to girls. Showing emotion – whether hope or joy or jealousy or anger or concern or sadness or whatever – is bad for seduction.

      Think about women: they're nearly universally all emotional people. And emotional people need other emotional people around them about as much as they need a punch in the face. Emotional people, rather, seek out others who are "rock-like" and can be solid and unshakeable for them. Note that doesn't mean cold; cold people are scary, because women feel like they're not really building a real connection with them. You still should be warm, but you also should stick to talking about emotions rather than showing them.
    Those are the Big 3 of ending up in the friend zone: moving too slow, investing too much, and showing too much emotion. And, naturally, those are three things that most men default to with any girl they like a lot: they move slow (to make sure they don't mess up), invest a lot (so the girl will like them for all they've done for her), and they show a great deal of emotion (so she'll see how deep they are and realize what good guys they are, or because they just can't control themselves around her and act jealous or hopeful or nervous).

    Why You Really Don't Want to Be Her Friend

    But hey, being friends ain't all that bad, right? You get to spend more time with a girl; you get to really get to know her; maybe even, with enough time, she starts realizing what a great guy you are, right?
    Well... no, it doesn't actually amount to such a rosy deal. A man who's "just a friend" is effectively emasculated to a woman; she no longer considers him a sexual option. His power as a man – his ability to conquer and inseminate women – isn't even something a woman who's friend zoned him thinks about; actually, when I have girls tell me about their guy friends who are "just friends," whenever they talk about one of these guys' love lives they talk about it like it's some cute, funny thing; kind of like, "Oh, how cute, there's actually a girl out there who wants to have sex with my guy friend. Isn't that funny?"
    I guess it depends how you take it. To me, this feels like one of the most patronizing, demeaning, disrespectful ways one human being can view another; as being completely devoid of any modicum of sex appeal. It's downright humiliating. Yet, many men sit there and maintain these relationships, because... why? I'm not really sure.
    I recently had a girl try to friend zone me. It doesn't happen to me a whole lot, but I can smell it a mile away when it's going on. I mentioned her a week or so ago in "Dating on Your Terms;" she was the one I went on a date with, probably could've closed things out with had I pulled the trigger, but I moved too slow and this is a strong gal. Strong women don't tend to give out second chances all that often, and while I'd guessed she'd get in contact with me when I wrote up that post a week ago, I was right – she called me last Friday. Only thing was, she wasn't trying to meet up with me, per se – she was trying to get me to help her with something a friend needed that related to one of the businesses I'm running. I told her I didn't have the thing she was looking for so couldn't help her out this time. Then I told her to let me know when she was free the next week and we'd grab a bite.
    Now, there're two ways this could go: the first would that what she really wanted was to see me again, and this was just her excuse to get in contact with me, in which case she wouldn't really care I didn't have the thing she asked me for and she'd be thrilled to have me ask her to spend time together again just the two of us.
    The second way this could go was the way it actually did: she sounded annoyed I didn't have what she wanted, and hesitated to respond when I told her to let me know her schedule and we'd grab a bite, eventually giving me a very neutral, "Yeah, sure."
    She wanted me in the friend zone.

    Avoiding the Friend Zone

    Being "just friends" with a woman is often going to be something that sucks up your time without providing any kind of realistic return on investment. Just like you aren't going to be good friends with every single man in your town, you also don't have the time and bandwidth to be friends with every single woman in your town, as nice as that might be. And just because a woman is someone you'd like to go to bed with, or have as a consort, or even a girlfriend, doesn't necessarily mean she's someone you'd like to have as a friend. In an ideal world, sure, you'd only sleep with top caliber women you'd love to have as pure friends as well, but this isn't an ideal world, it's the real one, and people sleep with people all the time they wouldn't want to be just friends with.
    So, the first line of defense against getting friend zoned is knowing just what you do want from a woman you'd consider having as purely a friend. That's going to differ for each person, so here are the traits I look for a girl I'd accept as just my friend to have at least one of:
    • Top caliber social skills, contagious energy, and the "know" on where all the good parties and cool people are.
    • An ambitious, dynamic, and results-oriented personality, and I learn something from her every time we talk or hang out.
    • The tendency to be strongly beneficial toward my life in some other way or is integrating me into some crowd I want to integrate into (e.g., an actress who's pulling me into the acting community, or a girl from a specific local subculture who's bringing me into the fold).

    In exchange, I offer… well, everything that women want from me. I've worked quite hard to turn myself into a very value-giving person, and pretty much everyone who spends time with me gets a large dose of value: positive, inspirational energy; solid, practical advice; a willing ear; the occasional witty remark; piercing insight; and the chance to be included in one of my many adventures, undertakings, or dreams. Not to mention I exude sexuality, which is always a great deal of fun for women to spend time basking in.
    Needless to say, the more valuable a man you turn yourself into, the more women will begin to view you as an outstanding candidate to be friends with... and the more high quality friends you're going to have, and the less time you're going to have to be friends with every woman who comes along. So you must be discriminating.
    Once you know where you draw the line at, though – which women qualify as solid friend material, and which women don't meet the cut – you'll know also exactly what you will and won't tolerate from women.
    And once you know exactly what you will and won't tolerate from women, you're able to respond appropriately to women who try to banish you to the friend zone. Namely, you won't be going along with the platonic plans of any women who don't measure up with what you look for in your platonic friends.
    That's Step 1. What's Step 2?
    Step 2 for avoiding the friend zone is doing what you need to be doing – which, as you might suspect, is the opposite of what men who end up getting given the "let's just be friends" speech do:
    • Move fast. In your interactions with women, there is no room for timidity. Get girls moving with you, sitting with you, opening up to you, giving you their phone numbers or going home with you quick. Set up dates soon and with speed, and don't dawdle. Timid men dawdle. Sexy men move with urgency.
    • Invest little and get much in return. This is a bit of an art, because you want to be warm and accommodating and show that you're investing as well, but you want to do it in such a way that you simultaneously appear to be investing less than she is and conducting yourself and managing the interaction effortlessly. This includes conversation – if she isn't talking 75% of the time, you can do better – and it includes communication over distance – if you're getting into long, inefficient text exchanges, for instance, you might consider reading up a bit on how to text a girl. The more you invest, the "friendlier" you seem; the less you invest, the more sexy and edgy you appear.
    • Be calm in your shown emotions. Again, mind the difference between emotions you show, and emotions you discuss. I might be talking to a girl and say, "Yeah, I was really upset," but the way I'll say it will be in an almost bored voice tone. You'll say you were or are an emotion with your words, but you'll communicate strength and stability with your calm, neutral tonality.

    What to Do When You're "Just Friends"

    You probably won't like this advice a whole lot, but here's the #1 best piece of advice I can give you once you've wound up in the friends zone:
    Drop the girl and move on.
    Drop her, as in cut her off almost completely. Be gracious about it, and don't tell her you're dropping her, just… disappear. You may find she becomes so intrigued that she begins chasing after you, or you may find that she falls off your radar altogether. Either way, it's good for you.
    That girl I mentioned earlier in this post, who called me trying to get something from me and didn't really want to meet up with me? Chances are, I won't ever talk to this girl again, because it's not a worthwhile use of my time. She clearly is trying to use me to benefit her life without doing anything to benefit mine. e.g., if she wants to get together with me and have a good chat and then we go back to my place and get intimate, well, that's something that benefits her and it benefits me. If, on the other hand, she wants to be just friends and use me to help her friends and maybe talk to me or have me as a shoulder to cry on, that benefits her, but all it does for me is suck up time I could be using to build my businesses or meet new women or spend time with friends who benefit my life as much as I benefit theirs.
    Think about it like this: with a girl you're just friends with, that you don't really want to be just friends with, you've typically invested a great deal of time and effort and energy. And the more you invest in someone, the more committed to them you become. You can very quickly end up in the unenviable situation of being far more committed to a woman (for having invested far more in her) than she is in you (for having invested far less in you). When you're more committed to a woman than she is to you, seduction is doomed. Positively doomed. Not all the time, but about 98% of the time, it's doom. Doom for the chances of that seduction.
    So, dropping a girl you've been obsessing over does a few things for you:
    • It ends the cycle of you investing in and becoming ever more committed to a girl who doesn't feel the same way toward you (otherwise, she'd be in your bed by now), and
    • It frees up your time and mental energy to begin focusing on new women with whom you are not in the friends zone.

    Rather than trying to climb out of a deep, deep hole with one woman, it's far better to just go find another woman who's standing topside. It can be a little tough once you're invested fairly heavily in a woman, but it's very worth it.
    Ultimately, it ties into one of the very core tenets of being a man: a man does not keep people around him who make him feel like less than a man.
    What that means, of course, is that if a woman starts viewing you as "like her girlfriend," it's time you forgot her and moved on. For your own sake, it's the healthiest thing you can do. There are a lot more women out there you can find to treat you like the man you are!
    Never be afraid to walk away from a bad situation. You always have options – that's what real men realize. And those men – those men unafraid to walk away from bad situations – rest assured, they never end up in the friend zone, because they just won't let women put them in it.
    Chase Amante
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    Friday 21 February 2014

    Do You Get Pain During Intercourse? (dyspareunia)

    Painful intercourse (dyspareunia)

    Getty - dyspareunia
    Sex is meant to be an enjoyable
    and happy experience. If you
    get pain, it isn't.
    Do you get pain during intercourse? If so, then the odds are that you're a woman – though at the end of this article, you'll find advice for the small number of men who get intercourse pain.

    A lot of women experience sexual pain. A recent Swedish survey suggested that it occurs in 9.3 per cent of females, with the incidence being higher among the young and inexperienced and relatively low among the over-50s.

    It's not much fun having pain during intercourse. After all, sex is meant to be an enjoyable and happy experience. If you get pain, it isn't.

    Fortunately, the trouble will often resolve if the man takes more time with love play so that the woman's vagina relaxes and her natural lubricant flows, and if the couple use one of the newer sex lubricants like Eros or Liquid Silk.

    When to seek help

    You can safely disregard one isolated episode of pain during sex. After all, it's easy to feel pain when a sensitive part of you is being prodded quite hard.
    But if the pain keeps on happening, you shouldn't feel you have to put up with it. Get something done to improve things.
    How? If you know that your GP is skilled at dealing with these matters, then he or she would be a good person to consult. But we have to admit that most family doctors are not trained in dealing with pain during intercourse.
    It might be more realistic to go to your local family planning clinic. Many family planning clinic doctors (usually women) have spent a long time being trained by the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine (IPM) to deal with this type of pain.
    Unfortunately, family planning clinics have become rather swamped with patients needing help, and they don’t have as much time as they used to for helping women with intercourse difficulties.
    An alternative is to see a female IPM-trained doctor privately. There are also excellent NHS psychosexual clinics in some parts of the country - notably Sheffield, Preston, Paddington and Tooting.
    A very good low-cost sexual counselling service is provided by both Relate and Relationships Scotland – formerly known as Relate Scotland.
    Sometimes, simple advice about sexual 'positioning' can help.
    At a medical conference in 2011, Dr Peter Greenhouse of the Bristol Sexual Health Centre revealed that many patients with intercourse pain due to endometriosis can benefit from positions that avoid deep penetration, such as the 'spoons' position or the 'male astride' one.

    The emotional factor

    In a minute, we'll look at the possible causes of intercourse pain, or dyspareunia, to give it its medical name. But it's important to realise that there is often usually some emotional element in this problem.

    If you experience pain during sex, it's almost certain to be distressing for you. This distress may well make you tighten up down below. And this tightening up will very likely make the pain worse next time.

    Unfortunately, painful intercourse can often have a destructive emotional effect on a relationship. Sometimes couples split up because of it. So that's a clear reason why you should get the problem sorted out as soon as possible.


    What causes it?

    There are dozens of possible causes of dyspareunia. Fortunately, many of them aren't too serious, but a few are.

    Ideally, the assessment should be done by a doctor who is skilled in the technique of vaginal examination.

    One of the first things to establish is: is the pain deep inside you? Or is it near the outside?

    This may not be easy for you to say. Sometimes a pain is both superficial (near the outside) and deep. But deciding which it is can help sort out what's wrong.



    Vaginismus can cause both deep and superficial pain, and it's a common cause of trouble during sex. It's a spasm of the vaginal muscles, caused mainly by fear of being hurt.
    This spasm is often so painful that intercourse is impossible – sometimes for years.
    Some women with vaginismus have never been able to have full sex or even use tampons. They also tend to be very fearful of vaginal examinations and so may never have had a smear test.
    Vaginismus arouses strong emotions, and women who have it are often very angry with partners, doctors and themselves. But the condition is no one's fault.
    Common causes include:
    • a restrictive upbringing, in which the woman was brought up to view sex as nasty or dirty.

    • an upbringing in which the woman was given the idea that the vagina is very narrow and so sex must be very painful.

    • a history of rape or childhood sexual abuse. Experiences like these understandably make women fearful of sex and of being hurt.

    • a medical history of painful vaginal infections.

    • unease with the partner – perhaps at an unconscious level.
    It is a common misconception that women with vaginismus dislike sex altogether.
    In fact, many women with this condition enjoy closeness with their partners.
    Many get great pleasure from love play and some are able to reach orgasm in this way. But the enjoyment ceases when penetration is attempted or suggested.
    In the UK, women doctors who have been trained by the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine have by far the greatest experience of treating vaginismus.

    What are the other causes of deep pain during sex?

    • Problems with your cervix: the man's penis hits the cervix at the farthest extent of his thrust. So infections of the cervix and tender places on it can cause pain during deep penetration. This is called 'collision dyspareunia'.
    • Womb trouble: various womb disorders, including fibroids, can cause deep intercourse pain.
    • Endometriosis: this very common disorder often affects the womb and surrounding tissues. It makes them very tender, particularly near period times. The pressure of the penis on an area of endometriosis may cause intense, deep pain.
    • Ovary problems: cysts on the ovary can cause deep pain. Pain may also be caused if the tip of the penis hits an unusually positioned ovary.
    • Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID): this is caused by infection, and has become more common in the UK largely thanks to the bug called chlamydia. If chlamydia isn't treated, there is quite a chance of PID developing. In PID, the tissues deep inside become badly inflamed and so the pressure of intercourse causes deep pain.
    • Ectopic pregnancy: this means a pregnancy outside the womb, usually in the Fallopian tube. Pressure on it can be very painful.

    What are the other causes of more superficial pain?


    Lack of lubrication

    This can be due to nervousness, hang-ups and failure to relax. Unskilled foreplay by the man is a common cause, especially when it doesn't go on long enough. (Many women would like half an hour – but don't get it!)

    Well-endowed partner

    Some women complain that their partner’s penis is too big.
    In fact, when a woman is aroused and relaxed, the vagina extends by several inches – so any female should be able to accommodate any male.
    But being unused to a larger man or previous problems with bladder infections or endometriosis can lead to anxiety and tension about sex.
    A recent invention may be of use here. It's called the 'Come Close' and is a kind of cushioned ring that the man wears on the base of his penis. This reduces the length of the penis that goes into the vagina. For more details, visit: Currently, the 'Come Close' retails at £24.99.

    Menopausal or post-menopausal dryness

    This is usually due to a fall in female sex hormones. Treatment with HRT pills or hormone cream will usually put matters right. Ordinary sex lubricants will help, too.

    Vaginal infections

    These are very common. The one that huge numbers of women get is thrush. But there are numerous others, such as trichomonas. The blisters of herpes can also be really painful.


    Injury to the vulva or vagina can occur during rape or sexual assault and later cause dyspareunia.
    Much more commonly, injury is caused by a childbirth tear or the episiotomy cut that is often made during labour. Badly healed stitching can also cause pain.

    Genital warts

    These are awfully common in these days of fairly promiscuous sex. Occasionally the warts can cause pain, especially if they get infected.


    This means inflammation of the vulva (the opening to the vagina). It can be due to all sorts of causes, including chemicals in bubble-baths or soaps.

    Haematoma of the clitoris

    I first encountered this about 30 years ago, but it's still not widely known. It's a bruise (or collection of blood) in the clitoris, caused by excessive friction. It nearly always gets better within a few weeks.
    Occasionally, the clitoris spontaneously 'bursts open', releasing some blood. It should heal up again rapidly, but it's best to have it checked by a doctor.

    Urethral caruncle

    This is a tender patch that develops at the urinary opening.

    Foreign body in the vagina

    The usual culprit is a forgotten tampon. It may cause pain, especially if the tampon causes an infection.


    A distressing and long-lasting condition in which the outside part of the sex organs (the vulva) is so sensitive, just touching the area makes the woman jump with pain.
    Its cause is not yet known, but it can often be successfully treated.
    The experts in dealing with it are the doctors at genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinics.


    This is a rare cause of intercourse pain, but it must be borne in mind for a woman who develops this kind of pain for the first time after the age of 40.

    Does intercourse pain affect men?

    Sometimes men experience pain during intercourse.
    Common causes are skin disorders on the penis such as eczema or psoriasis.
    It can be that the woman's vagina is too tight for her partner. A good sex lubricant can help here.
    Occasional causes of male pain include:
    • thrush – in which case the female partner will probably have thrush too
    • a forgotten stitch left in the woman's vagina after childbirth 
    • an IUD thread or a displaced IUD in the vagina

    Summing up

    Whether you're female or male, you shouldn't disregard pain occurring during intercourse. If it happens more than once, it's time to see an experienced doctor. Very often, the problem is curable.