How to Talk About What You Want in Bed

Why is talking about sex so hard? Our resident sexologist Dr. Gaby makes it easy.

It may be easy to talk about what you need in bed when the relationship is going well, but when you and your partner are going through difficult times, communication can shut down - to avoid hurt, conflict or the sensitivity of what is a very touchy, personal subject. Whilst these are natural reactions, there are a few effective ways you can start the conversation with your partner.

Men and women talk for different reasons

When it comes to talking about sex, many people (women and men!) can immediately become anxious. There are a few gender differences in communication styles too. These differences are huge generalisations, but hold some truth too: men often lack an ability to express their emotions in a clear or fluent way, compared to women, who mainly talk to achieve closeness and intimacy (whether with friends, family or a partner). Men often seek a bottom line, or communicate with others to establish power or inform. Men more often enter a paradigm of "fight or flight" while women generally often "mend and befriend".

Know your partner's communication style

Whether you or your partner fit those "stereotypes" or not, both men and women have the ability to have both communication styles in them. Communication style is personal, based on our personal experiences, personality and the choices we make. Be aware of yours, the strengths and weaknesses of how you communicate, and learn your partner's communication style too: don't assume just because you are a couple with much in common that you communicate in the same way! You probably don't!

Actively listen to your partner

This means not just paying attention to what your partner is saying, but actually engaging in the conversation as you and your partner discuss. Make sure you maintain eye contact, and give non-verbal cues that you are really listening, such as adding small, listening type comments such as "I see", "Oh, ok, I didn't know you felt that way." Listening entails hearing them out fully, then paraphrasing what you heard, or thought you heard, your partner say, before responding. Paraphrasing is important because it clarifies their point of view - there's little effective communication if you respond to a misunderstood point! It takes both of you back a step. When you do respond, take a deep breath and say what you mean, integrating their thoughts in with yours. Try not to talk at each other, taking turns listening, but rather, use the feedback and paraphrasing technique to talk with each other, together aiming toward a common goal of understanding each other better, and getting more of what you both want!

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