Saturday 28 May 2016

What to Text a Guy When You Want to Make the First Move

"A text is both personal and impersonal and unlike letters of love it’s instant and once it’s sent you can’t go chasing the messenger to try and get it back.  So think carefully before you press that SEND button"      -  Susan

What to Text a Guy When You Want to Make the First Move

Making the first move for a girl can be scary! If you want to know what to text a guy you like, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s all you need.

Gone are the days of waiting for a man to approach you and make a move. Women are becoming more and more confident in their abilities to ask a man out when they want to. Women are the ones making all the first moves nowadays and I have to say, it rocks!
However, even if you’re a confident woman that has the guts to make the first move, it can still be kind of scary. Something that makes this a lot easier is doing it over a text message. While some people may be against this, I’m not.
What to text a guy you have your sights set on
With texting becoming the primary means of conversing with someone, it only makes sense for you to make your move via texting – especially if the two of you already have a nice dynamic going. But the trouble is finding just what to say so he knows how you feel without scaring him away. 

I have a lot of experience texting guys when I like them and making the first move and I have a lot of male friends who have divulged exactly what they’d like to get over a text. Before we get to what to text a guy when you want to make the first move, we should first go over some texting ground rules.
Rules of texting
It might seem like you should be able to just text them whatever you want whenever you want, but there are some unspoken rules of texting a guy that you should know about before diving in for the first move.
#1 Never send multiple unanswered texts. Nothing screams “CLINGY” like sending text after text when he hasn’t even replied yet. I get that you’re eager to talk to him because you like him, but this makes you look desperate. 

#2 Never text him after 12am. Some people may know of these other unspoken rules, but this one might be new to you. I say you should never text a guy after 12am because most guys take that as a booty call sign – something you most definitely don’t want to be seen as if you’re looking to date him.
#3 No sex-talk. You can most definitely be flirty and fun without having to talk about sex with a guy. While you may get his attention this way, it will be the wrong type of attention overall and you won’t have a good chance of actually dating him.
#4 When he says he has to go, don’t text him. This is a big mistake that most girls make and it comes off super clingy in the eyes of a guy. When he says he has to do something and can’t talk anymore, don’t send him texts while he’s away. If he has his phone on him, it’ll be really annoying and if he doesn’t, it’ll be overwhelming when he finally does look at his phone. 

#5 Don’t let the conversation die. Conversations that go flat quickly never result in a good relationship. In order to text a guy when you want to make the first move, you have to keep the conversation lively, but never forced. Think of topics to talk about and if you find something he seems chatty about, stick to it for a while.
Now, WHAT to text a guy

Now that you know what to avoid when texting a guy, we can get to the good stuff. When you want to make the first move over a text, here’s what to text a guy and why it works.
#1 I’ve got a bottle of wine, a great movie, and no one to keep me company. What are you up to tonight?This text would be perfectly placed when he asks you what you’re doing tonight. It’s perfect because you’re not being too blunt, but you’re also letting him know that you don’t have company and want some, and that you’re ready for a relaxing evening. 

#2 I’ve got two tickets to this amazing concert. Are you busy this weekend? If you really want to go for a fun first date and feel pretty good about your chances of him saying yes, then go with this text. You don’t have to say that you specifically bought the tickets for the two of you, but just saying that you have two and asking if he’s free during the concert time makes him aware of the fact that you like him.
#3 Hey, what do you say you and I go out tonight? This text is particularly useful when he says he doesn’t have any plans for the night or even if he says his plans fell through. It might be last minute, but if he already planned on going out, he should be up for it.
#4 I like you. Let’s get coffee sometime. Straight and to the point. A direct approach is never a bad idea when texting a guy when you want to make the first move. Honestly, I think most guys like it better this way – or so they’ve all told me. It takes the guesswork out of the whole thing and flatters them, too. 
#5 You know, I think we would have a lot of fun together. This one is a little more vague and works especially well for shy people who feel confident that the guy also likes them. It’s not outright asking him on a date, but it is putting the notion out there that you’d like to go on a date given the opportunity. The ball is now in his court.
#6 You’re a lot of fun through texting, but how much fun are you in person? Guys are competitive creatures. If you hit him with this text, it’ll seem like that much more of a challenge for him. He’ll definitely want to prove to you that he IS just as fun in person and you’ll get a date! 

#7 There really isn’t anyone else that I like talking to this much. This is a really sweet text that will definitely make him smile. Not only will he be flattered, but he’ll also get the hint that you’re into him. Hopefully he’ll feel the same way and this text gives him the opportunity he needs to ask you out.

#8 So, there’s this party I got invited to but I think it’s going to be pretty lame. Do you want to come with me so at least there’s one fun person to hang out with? It may seem counterproductive to ask someone to go with you to a “lame” party, however, this really does work. You’re flattering this guy by not only inviting him, but also saying that he’ll be the only fun person at a lame party. It gives him incentive to go and you’re also revealing how much you like him.
#9 What do you say we take this great conversation out to eat? If you two are having a really great conversation and you’d rather be in person, just send him this text. As long as he’s not busy and you could be ready pretty quickly, this is a perfect way to go from texting to in person easily and without too much hassle. 
#10 You know what, let’s go out sometime. I think it would be a blast. Another very direct approach that doesn’t put too much pressure on a guy. When you’re having a fun conversation with him, just throw this in mid-conversation. You’re clearly stating that you would like to go out with him, but by avoiding the word “date” you’re making it less formal and easier for him to agree to.
Knowing what to text a guy can be one of the hardest things. Luckily, we have all the texts you’ll need if you want to make the first move.

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Thursday 26 May 2016

The One (Really BIG!) Reason Monogomy Beats Polyamory EVERY Time

"Monogamy vs polyamory ? in my mind it has to be monogamy, why ? life has enough stresses in it without adding multiple relationships to it"    - Susan

The One (Really BIG!) Reason Monogomy Beats Polyamory EVERY Time

We are only human.

Monogamy isn't the only way to live, but it's a path that provides the most comfort, a sense of belonging, good health and longevity we deeply desire. 
A polyamorous relationship can provide those things, but it also dramatically ups the ante for those scary feelings we all experience when wounded in love. By being deeply vulnerable to more than one person, the possibilities for suffering increases. So for those of us who already have enough of a challenge working through our emotions with a single partner, it can be too overwhelming to make polyamory work.
Thanks to that little ol' evolutionary adaptation called LOVE, you're hard-wired to vigilantly assess the quality of connection between you and the person you feel most bonded to. If that loved one seems unavailable — literally or emotionally — you'll experience biologically-driven, unstoppable feelings of vulnerability ... be it within monogamy, polyamory, or all the shades of grey in between. 'Tis just the way you're built.

Is there anything more comforting than belonging so completely within a securely bonded relationship of commitment, availability, responsiveness, and emotional engagement?

Our ability to emotionally bond with another is an integral part of who we are, and played a huge role in ensuring we survived as a species. When Mom emotionally bonds with Baby, Baby's chance of survival improves; so in order to survive, Baby seeks emotional and physical bonding with Mom (our first primary other).
Makes sense, right? We also developed the ability for romantic love so Dad sticks around to protect Mom and Baby from predators and competing males.
So yeah, our need for love runs deep, and you need it today JUST as much as you did when you were a wee little baby. If you've ever felt like you might die without it, you weren't being over dramatic — it's awful when you feel that love is in short supply.

When I was in a polyamorous relationship and my primary partner shared her unrelenting desire to connect emotionally and sexually with an ex-lover, it broke me to pieces. I felt heartbroken, rejected, and powerless. Of course within the agreements of our relationship, it was her right to follow her longing, and my job to process the resulting pain — which I did while sobbing in the arms of my friends.

"Learn to recognise the counterfeit coins
that may buy you just a moment of pleasure,
But then drag you for days
Like a broken man
Behind a farting camel."

— Cast All Your Votes for Dancing, Hafiz 

Mind you, I'm genuinely grateful for that experience — and it’s not because I’m a masochist. In this instance (and others), I traversed the depths of my suffering, and now as an emotionally focused couples therapist I harness these experiences to be in sync with my clients' pain and guide them through it to the other side where the longed for experiences of connection, love, and soothing with their primary other reside. 
For me polyamory was a challenging, spiritual and self-developmental practice (so is fasting, meditation, social isolation, and attaching weights to your genitals in order to transcend the limits of your biological drives). If you're ready to face your hard-wired fears and trigger them day-after-day, you’d be hard pressed to find a better practice than Polyamory to bring you to your knees to submit to your vulnerability.

But if you want some modicum of comfort during this wild and danger-ridden journey called life, then monogamy is probably for you.
Is there anything more comforting than belonging so completely within a securely bonded relationship of commitment, availability, responsiveness, and emotional engagement? It ain't perfect (spoiler alert: you won't avoid feeling vulnerable), but it's the best available path we have to feel connected to our primary other with as little heartache as possible.
I, for one, am happier on the monogamy path. My relationship serves as a secure base and emboldens me to step outside of my comfort zone professionally and personally. Today as I type away in our family's living room, I can hear my wife and toddler going bananas in the kitchen making popcorn. You know, life brings its own f'ing growth opportunities without me searching them out. I'd rather my relationship provide the love and popcorn. 
We are all longing to be loved — longing to feel safe and securely snuggled under mother nature's security blanket (our ability to emotionally bond with another). The part of you that needs love the most is not a weak or needy part, it is actually the best part of you and the part of you that most deserves love.

Be kind to yourself and others. You deserve it — we all do!

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Monday 23 May 2016

Which of the 7 Types of Love Relationships Fits Yours?

"Interesting!  .....  take the test!"            -    Susan

Which of the 7 Types of Love Relationships Fits Yours?  

Identify and improve your intimate relationships with this simple 7-item test

Psychology continues to struggle with the question of how to define love, and after decades of research, is no closer to the ultimate answer. However, the triangular theory of love proposed by University of Wyoming Robert Sternberg provides a fascinating and useful framework. The triangle here is not a true "love triangle," but instead is the shape used to represent love's three main dimensions.
It’s easiest to understand the theory by looking at this figure.  Each point of the triangle represents the extreme of one of the dimensions of love. At the top of the triangle is the extreme of intimacy, which is the extent to which your relationship is characterised by feelings of closeness, connectedness, and strong emotional bonds. 
The commitment pole reflects your decision to stay in the relationship. People who are strongly committed to their relationship make a vow to stay in that relationship through thick and thin, and therefore are willing to work hard to keep it going even if the thin outweighs the thick.
Finally, passion reflects the intensity of your sexual desire toward your partner.  This desire may take the form of romantic attachment as well as strong sexual attraction and a desire to be with your partner. 
Sternberg’s model predicts that as your relationship ripens, passionate love mellows into companionate love.  If you're lucky, the flames of passion remain alive, though, and you experience consummate love.
Strong sexual attraction helps spice things up, but more important for relationships to last are commitment and intimacy. The feelings of sharing, having mutual goals, and enjoying your time together in a quieter and more reflective way are what build lasting emotional bonds.
Returning to the triangular model, Sternberg’s theory describes a total of 7 types of relationships:
Consummate (the highest form): High on all three dimensions (represented by a point in the middle of the triangle)
Infatuated High on passion only
Fatuous High on passion and commitment
Empty High on commitment only
Companionate High on intimacy and commitment
Romantic High on intimacy and passion
Liking/friendship High on intimacy only
Now that you have this framework in mind, you’re probably wondering how your closest relationship measures up along these dimensions.  Read these brief descriptions, and for each one, see which comes closest to your closest relationship. Don’t peek at the ratings until you’re done:
1.  You have been together for several years, still feel very close and connected emotionally, but do not always feel the same passion toward one another as you once did.
2.  You have a strong sexual drive and a need for physical and romantic contact with each other, but do not feel very close to each other. You have not planned for your future together, and in fact have not even thought about any form of long-term commitment.
3.  You have been married or cohabiting for a long time and still verbally proclaim your love for each other, but admit to having lost much of the emotional connectedness, as well as the sexual desire that you once had.
4. After more than 6 years together, you are as “in love” as ever. You remain close and connected, very sexually and romantically in sync, and are completely committed to each other and to your relationship.
5. You have been together for only a couple of months, and although you feel you have become close and are connected emotionally, you have yet to become passionately involved or think about your future commitment.
6. You are in love and have a strong sexual desire for one another, are very close and connected emotionally, but have yet to discuss any future plans that would include a decision to commit only to each other.
7. You have been together for a while and are planning on staying together. You continue to maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life, but say you do not feel very closely connected where emotion is concerned.
1. Companionate Love
2.  Infatuation
3.  Empty Love
4. Consummate Love
5.  Liking
6.  Romantic Love
7.  Fatuous Love 

How did your relationship rate? It’s possible that you don’t fit completely into one category, as these are the extremes.  You can use that triangle to plot your relationship’s exact point.  Higher on intimacy and passion but not quite ready to make a commitment means that you’re starting to move from romantic love and into the consummate region. 
This example shows that just as it can be useful to find out where your relationship fits in the triangle, it’s also helpful to remember that relationships are rarely static over time.  You don’t have to give up on a relationship that’s fatuous or empty because the relationship lacks either intimacy, passion, or both.  At least one study, though conducted on undergraduates (Madey & Rodgers, 2009), suggests that intimacy and commitment contribute to relationship satisfaction. Research on long-term relationships suggests, further, that passion in the form of wanting to be near your partner continues to predict a couple’s satisfaction.  You can dial up or down the dimension that’s in need of adjustment by working on that function of your relationship.
If you want to take this even further, ask your relationship partner to take this quick quiz. Perhaps you’ll be surprised to find out that what you think is an empty love is one that your partner finds has more passion and intimacy than you realise. Or you may find out that the relationship you think is consummate is one that your partner finds lacking in one of the three crucial dimensions.
Your partner’s happiness, as well as your own, can benefit from a candid discussion of where you feel you need to make those adjustments.  Relationship education, though intended for premarital counselling, can also help long-term couples gain skills and knowledge to prop up their ways of handling communication and conflict resolution.
Psychologists may still not have the ultimate definition of love, but the framework provided by triangle theory can give you a practical tool to maximise the fulfilling you receive out of your closest ties.

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    Tuesday 17 May 2016

    More Than A Quarter Of Brits Have Ended A Relationship Over A Sexually Transmitted Infection

    "When someone doesn't know the risks of their sexual behaviour or have any understanding of STD's apart from what they hear in the media, its easy to be self righteous and have the “It won’t happen to me, because I’m not a ‘slut,’ ‘dirty’, or ‘promiscuous’ ” mentality. 
    The power associated with the fear of sexually transmitted infection lies in the fact that no particular class or location is safe from the dangers of unsafe sex
    If the shame surrounding STDs is diminished, more people will be willing to get tested regularly and to disclose when they have an infection to current or potential partners."  - Susan


    More Than A Quarter Of Brits Have Ended A Relationship Over A Sexually Transmitted Infection

    ‘It should be about the person, not the STI.’

    Over one quarter of Brits have ended a relationship over a sexually transmitted infection (STI), it has been revealed.
    A new survey found that the number one cause of breakups was falling out of love. This was shortly followed by the relationship becoming dull and boring, losing trust, and being cheated on.
    More than a quarter (27%) of participants said their relationship had ended due to one of them finding out they had an STI, which led to “mistrust”.
    A health expert has since warned people not to “penalise someone who may be perfect for you in every way, simply because they have an STI”.
    The survey, carried out on behalf of, asked 2,151 sexually active adults aged 21 and over in the UK about what had ended their relationships in the past. 
    All of the participants told researchers that they have been in at least three relationships over time, with each one lasting at least six months or more.
    Respondents were initially asked if they had ever ended a relationship, and were provided with a list of breakup reasons from researchers.
    It revealed that the most common reasons for relationships ending were:
    1. We fell out of love (52%)
    2. The relationship got dull/boring (47%)
    3. There was no trust left between us (39%)
    4. One of us was cheated on/unfaithful (32%)
    5. One of us contracted a sexually transmitted disease (27%)
    People who said they ended a relationship because of a sexually transmitted disease were asked why it was they felt compelled to do this.
    More than two thirds (68%) stated it led to mistrust due to not understanding where the disease came from.
    Meanwhile 22% said their partner hadn’t told them and they had found out themselves, which created mistrust and anger.
    The remaining 10% thought their partner was “dirty” after being told.  
    At the end of the survey, all participants were asked whether they would ever date someone who had told them that they had an incurable sexually transmitted disease.
    Just under one third (31%) of respondents stated they would, while 43% said it would depend on the partner and the remaining 26% said they wouldn’t.
    Michael Ross, spokesperson for MedExpress, said the survey shows that sexually transmitted diseases still have a “huge stigma” attached to them. 
    “Of course it is not okay to sleep with someone when you have an STI without telling them or trying to protect them from it,” he said.
    “However it is totally unfair to penalise someone who may be perfect for you in every way, simply because they have an STI or STD, especially if it is one that doesn’t have a cure.”
    He continued: “It only takes one mistake or one person not to be completely honest for you to catch something that could well be with you for the rest of your life.
    “Remember not to be rude to those who have unfortunately made that mistake or been lied to. It should be about the person, not the STI.”

    Monday 16 May 2016

    Why Youth is wasted on the young

    "In todays fast paced way of life I think 'Youth is wasted on the young', but only because of what society expects of them.  "Do well school, go to university, get a good job, earn lots of money, get a fast car,  your own home, get married have children." They have no time to enjoy their youth.
    My message to the young is: Face life with your arms outstretched, grab new opportunities, have an open mind that can take you on a life of new adventures without any restraints"                                                                                                                                             -  Susan

    Why Youth is wasted on the young

    A simple saying that carries so much truth to it. You will never be younger than you are today, so you must embrace every possible opportunity that is presented to you. We fail to realise the importance of so many universal truths until later in life. These lessons and truths would've come in handy if we only realised sooner. There is so much advice you wish you knew when you were younger to better prepare you for various life incidents.
    If only you knew you'd eventually get over your first love as you tried to navigate your breakup. We don't listen to our elders that tell us we will survive, we think it's the end of the world as we know it.
    “The young are too immature to really appreciate being young and the older generation would really know how to appreciate and take advantage of being young again.”
    Forgiveness is one of the best traits a person can possess, but this is another lesson we learn too little too late. How much time do we waste on petty arguments, ones that could've been easily avoided had we just chilled the f*ck out? If something isn't a life or death situation, how meaningful can it really be? Don't let grudges weigh you down and stress you out. The sooner you realise that anger hurts you more than the other person, the happier you will be.
    Physically, young people have everything going for them, as they are in the best health they will ever be in, and their minds are sharp and clear. The issue is they lack clarity and patience. Someone who has experienced life has learned many valuable lessons. They now know how and what to do with all these different abilities, yet they lack the body to do so.

    “If I knew then what I know now, I’d be different, I would slow down.”

    The young love to spend time on short-lived pleasures. As we mature, we realise there are lot of things that might have been more worthwhile. When we are young, we tend to take things for granted. We fail to recognise or enjoy the things that really matter in life, we don’t always take the chances that are in front of us.
    We put things off and say that there will be time later for them. The more you procrastinate, the chances of you actually getting around to these activities decrease. You have to seize the opportunities as they come because you never know if you will ever get another chance.
    The mistake many young people make is that they have the mindset, “I can't wait to get older.” The trick with that is you keep getting older. By not living in the present moment you are losing appreciation for it. You aren't appreciating what is right in front of you at that time. They need to chill out and just enjoy being young. You don't get to relive these years, so make them really count.
    “When you are young (late-teens to early twenties, say), your old age seems impossibly far away. You are not yet aware of the way in which the lengths of the years shrink, relative to your entire lifespan, as you age. In terms of the psychological perception of the passage of time, the years pass more rapidly as you get older; the seasons become closer together; the birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases more frequent. Time literally seems to accelerate, and you become aware of the rapidly dwindling time frame you have in which to achieve your life goals.”
    We also tend to live like we are immortal creatures. We speed in cars thinking that we are indestructible. The truth is just because you're young doesn’t mean you’re invincible. Accidents can and do happen, so as much as it is fun to act recklessly, you still must remain cautious. We falsely believe we will always have a time to achieve our goals and, as a result, tend to let opportunities slip from our hands.
    Perhaps this can all be traced back to the inherent impulsivity of the generation. Regardless, think of how much your life would be different if you could travel back to your past self and offer this advice. When you look back at your past, you will realise all of the chances we didn't take and the experiences we missed out on. Stop living life with the naïve notion that there will always be enough time to get to these things tomorrow.

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    Ageing and Stereotypin

    Saturday 7 May 2016

    Ageing and Stereotyping

    "As in the song Eternity by Robbie Williams 'Youth is wasted on the young'. How true this is, as with most things in life we don't realise what we have until it's gone".      - Susan

    Ageing and Stereotyping

    Stereotypes make us behave in surprisingly negative ways towards older people.

    Most people hope to live long lives, yet American culture is filled with negative images of getting older. Older adulthood is thought of as a time marked by deteriorating health, poor memory, low levels of activity, loneliness, and a sense of uselessness.  The truth is that these characterisations are inaccurate and they can make us anxious about growing old. They also make us feel and behave in surprisingly negative ways toward older people – we tolerate ageist jokes, age discrimination in the workplace, as well as financial and physical abuse toward older adults.

    Those negative attitudes and discriminatory behaviours are what is known as AGEISM.  Did you know that ageism can harm your own mental,cognitive, and physical health as you age?
    What can you do? Get the facts on ageing. People who know more about ageing are less ageist and may be on the path to living longer and more carefree lives.
    Fact or Fiction: Test your knowledge on ageing 
    True or False?
    • The majority of old people (past 65 years) have Alzheimer’s disease.
    • As people grow older, their intelligence declines significantly.
    • It is very difficult for older adults to learn new things.
    • Most older people live in nursing homes.
    • Older workers cannot work as effectively as younger workers.
    • Most old people are set in their ways and unable to change.
    • The majority of old people are bored.
    • Participation in volunteering through organisations (e.g., churches and clubs) tends to decline among older adults.
    • Abuse of older adults is not a significant problem in the U.S.
    • Grandparents today take less responsibility for rearing grandchildren than ever before.
    If you answered “false” to all these questions, you have a perfect score – congratulations! If you missed some questions, you are not alone. Most people including high school students, college students, teachers, and health care professionals in training score poorly on these tests. We learn very little accurate knowledge about ageing at any stage in our schools, even those of us entering professions in which we will work with older adults.
    So, what can you do?
    When knowledge about ageing increases, ageist attitudes decrease.
    Educating yourself about ageing can take the form of a one-hour lecture, several lectures, a multi-month course, or through reading more about ageing in academic books or scientific journals.
    Ageism is a societal problem that touches all of us. It creates anxiety and conflict between younger and older generations. It restricts the lives and livelihood of older adults, damaging their support systems, work opportunities, health care, their thoughts about themselves, and even their physical health – some studies show that people who buy into negative ageist stereotypes live shorter lives.
    Isn’t it time to get educated about ageing?
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