Online Date with Fish2Fish: sexual attraction

"Interesting! ..... take the test!" - Susan

Which of the 7 Types of Love Relationships Fits Yours?

Identify and improve your intimate relationships with this simple 7-item test

Psychology continues to struggle with the question of how to define love, and after decades of research, is no closer to the ultimate answer. However, the triangular theory of love proposed by University of Wyoming Robert Sternberg provides a fascinating and useful framework. The triangle here is not a true "love triangle," but instead is the shape used to represent love's three main dimensions.

It’s easiest to understand the theory by looking at this figure. Each point of the triangle represents the extreme of one of the dimensions of love. At the top of the triangle is the extreme of intimacy, which is the extent to which your relationship is characterised by feelings of closeness, connectedness, and strong emotional bonds.

The commitment pole reflects your decision to stay in the relationship. People who are strongly committed to their relationship make a vow to stay in that relationship through thick and thin, and therefore are willing to work hard to keep it going even if the thin outweighs the thick.

Finally, passion reflects the intensity of your sexual desire toward your partner. This desire may take the form of romantic attachment as well as strong sexual attraction and a desire to be with your partner.

Sternberg’s model predicts that as your relationship ripens, passionate love mellows into companionate love. If you're lucky, the flames of passion remain alive, though, and you experience consummate love.

Strong sexual attraction helps spice things up, but more important for relationships to last are commitment and intimacy. The feelings of sharing, having mutual goals, and enjoying your time together in a quieter and more reflective way are what build lasting emotional bonds.

Returning to the triangular model, Sternberg’s theory describes a total of 7 types of relationships:

Consummate (the highest form): High on all three dimensions (represented by a point in the middle of the triangle)

Infatuated High on passion only

Fatuous High on passion and commitment

Empty High on commitment only

Companionate High on intimacy and commitment

Romantic High on intimacy and passion

Liking/friendship High on intimacy only

Now that you have this framework in mind, you’re probably wondering how your closest relationship measures up along these dimensions. Read these brief descriptions, and for each one, see which comes closest to your closest relationship. Don’t peek at the ratings until you’re done:

1. You have been together for several years, still feel very close and connected emotionally, but do not always feel the same passion toward one another as you once did.

2. You have a strong sexual drive and a need for physical and romantic contact with each other, but do not feel very close to each other. You have not planned for your future together, and in fact have not even thought about any form of long-term commitment.

3. You have been married or cohabiting for a long time and still verbally proclaim your love for each other, but admit to having lost much of the emotional connectedness, as well as the sexual desire that you once had.

4. After more than 6 years together, you are as “in love” as ever. You remain close and connected, very sexually and romantically in sync, and are completely committed to each other and to your relationship.

5. You have been together for only a couple of months, and although you feel you have become close and are connected emotionally, you have yet to become passionately involved or think about your future commitment.

6. You are in love and have a strong sexual desire for one another, are very close and connected emotionally, but have yet to discuss any future plans that would include a decision to commit only to each other.

7. You have been together for a while and are planning on staying together. You continue to maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life, but say you do not feel very closely connected where emotion is concerned.

Interpretation

1. Companionate Love

2. Infatuation

3. Empty Love

4. Consummate Love

5. Liking

6. Romantic Love

7. Fatuous Love

How did your relationship rate? It’s possible that you don’t fit completely into one category, as these are the extremes. You can use that triangle to plot your relationship’s exact point. Higher on intimacy and passion but not quite ready to make a commitment means that you’re starting to move from romantic love and into the consummate region.

This example shows that just as it can be useful to find out where your relationship fits in the triangle, it’s also helpful to remember that relationships are rarely static over time. You don’t have to give up on a relationship that’s fatuous or empty because the relationship lacks either intimacy, passion, or both. At least one study, though conducted on undergraduates (Madey & Rodgers, 2009), suggests that intimacy and commitment contribute to relationship satisfaction. Research on long-term relationships suggests, further, that passion in the form of wanting to be near your partner continues to predict a couple’s satisfaction. You can dial up or down the dimension that’s in need of adjustment by working on that function of your relationship.

If you want to take this even further, ask your relationship partner to take this quick quiz. Perhaps you’ll be surprised to find out that what you think is an empty love is one that your partner finds has more passion and intimacy than you realise. Or you may find out that the relationship you think is consummate is one that your partner finds lacking in one of the three crucial dimensions.

Your partner’s happiness, as well as your own, can benefit from a candid discussion of where you feel you need to make those adjustments. Relationship education, though intended for premarital counselling, can also help long-term couples gain skills and knowledge to prop up their ways of handling communication and conflict resolution.

Psychologists may still not have the ultimate definition of love, but the framework provided by triangle theory can give you a practical tool to maximise the fulfilling you receive out of your closest ties.

Read original article

Values are what hold a relationship together...they are the glue.

Were values that are important to you missing from past relationships?

If the answer is yes then that's why it didn't work out. - Susan

Pixaba

Couples Psychologist Reveals The Most Important Quality To Look For In A Partner

Sexual attraction and similar interests are not as important as this

The most important quality to look for in a partner is not similar interests or how much you want to get into their pants, according to couples psychologist Peter Pearson.

In an interview with Tech Insider, Dr Pearson said that the “holy grail” of relationships is finding a partner who shares the same core values as you.

The initial hormonal rush you feel when you see someone you’re attracted to may feel like the most important and stringent factor at the time, but Dr Pearson says that these chemical reactions are likely to fade with time in a way that your core values will not.

Having similar interests to your partner, though it can be helpful, is not as important as having similar core values because hobbies, interests and activities can be negotiated in a way that your fundamental principles cannot.

"You can negotiate your interests," Dr Pearson says, "but not your values."

If you prefer crime shows to romances and your partner does not, compromises and negotiations can be made to work around this. However, if your life ambition is to get rich while your partner couldn’t care less about money you may well encounter problems.

Dr Pearson, of the Couples Institute in California, told Tech Insider about a couple he had seen that got into a dispute over values.

"He was building this huge house that overlooked a big vista," he said, "and she did not want to waste money on this ostentatious, wasteful shlock. She had so much disdain for his life dream of this house.”

Core values are much more difficult to compromise on than anything else, and so Dr Pearson claims that the most important thing to look for in a potential partner is their holding the same values as you.

If your partner’s core values conflict with yours, Dr Pearson thinks you might need to face up to the idea that you aren’t meant to be.

"It ain't gonna work," he said. "Everything small will grow into huge proportions."

View original article here

Monday, 23 May 2016

Which of the 7 Types of Love Relationships Fits Yours?

Which of the 7 Types of Love Relationships Fits Yours?

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Couples Psychologist Reveals The Most Important Quality To Look For In A Partner

Couples Psychologist Reveals The Most Important Quality To Look For In A Partner