Wednesday 30 September 2015

True Love and Promiscuous Love in the Real World

"I think that promiscuous lovers are subconsciously in search of something, they are unable to settle with one person in case there is something better to be found.  
However when they eventually find true love and understand what your share with that special person, they will realise that its worth more than lusting from one person to another."          - Susan

True Love and Promiscuous Love in the Real World

Love can seem like a blissful experience until lust enters the picture. Read about the invisible strings that hold love and promiscuity together.

What’s the biggest difference between love and lust?

Or is there any difference at all?

In a corny kind of way, love is about the craving of the heart, while lust is a craving of the loins.

But what’s the real deal behind love, relationships and promiscuity?

A relationship always seems perfect until lust or love creates a new equation. And we can try to resist it, but it’s not always possible.

Love and lust in an orchard

The ebbs and flows of an ocean look mesmerizing.

But it needs the effect of the moon’s gravity to create the smooth and turbulent waves.

It’s the same thing with men and women, and love and relationships.

We experience times in love when we’re just not happy to be in a relationship.

And we experience other times when we can’t imagine living without that special someone.

But more than anything else, the fact remains that monogamy requires a lot of effort.

Being involved in a long term relationship, as a friend of mine says, is like “sitting in an orchard with different fruits and eating the same fruit every single day, because that’s the fruit you chose to eat first!”

That sounds quite depressing, but reality doesn’t really have to be as bad as it sounds. We could actually even call it the best tasting fruit, while all the other fruits are just plain poisonous. Whatever makes you happy and whatever helps you stay committed to the relationship.

But sometimes, the initial blaze of the relationship flickers to a dim, and eventually all we’re left with is a cold feeling all over. Sex too, can get quite monotonous after a while. That healthy boost of a juicy fruit just won’t do anymore, and you’d want something else, even if it doesn’t seem as good as the first fruit you tasted. You need that variety to keep your life exciting.

Monogamy and promiscuity

Do you ever wonder why sex with your partner isn’t as fascinating as it once was, when both of you first got together?

Does that cute guy staring at you while you’re shopping on Sunday excite you on a lot more, or is it that girl who sits next to you at work and stares at you every now and then? We can’t help it, external excitement excites all of us.

If Shakespearean tragedies were to be lifted off real life stories, Romeo would probably stray and hook up with some sweet Italian perky, and perhaps that’s why Juliet would have killed herself! Who can really tell? But one thing’s certain.

We do get attracted to people other than our own partners. It’s only logical and human. We would love looking out at potential hotties when we were single. How can we just change that part of ourselves when we enter a relationship? Those feelings may be masked for a while, but it’s never really gone.

And whenever you’re away from your partner, it’s spring time of the raunchy kind! You’d always be tempted to do something outrageously stupid and promiscuous.

When we start going out with someone, we may make a promise that we’d never stray, but in these days of liberated sexuality, skimpier clothes, money and quick getaways, promiscuity has turned into an irresistible rage.

Is curiosity to blame for promiscuity?

Promiscuity is bad, definitely. But sometimes we just can’t help it. Is it your fault that you start losing your libido when you’re with your longtime partner, but are instantly turned on by some other hot looker?

Are you supposed to hate yourself because you still love someone but aren’t attracted to them sexually? Most importantly, is it your fault? Or is it theirs? My guess is, it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just the way we humans are built in the head.

Maybe the whole problem lies in our childhood. Many of us aren’t promiscuous. We fall in love, and in some cases, fall in love with the first or second partner and end up getting married. 

Sex is glorious to start off with, but a few raunchy movies or flirting conversations with others later, you wonder how it would feel like to be in another person’s bed. I have quite a few friends who were extremely promiscuous early in their life. Most of them have turned out just perfect now. They’re married, and aren’t tempted anymore. Sex is the same with any person, after a while, they say. It’s the emotional connection that really matters, to them.

But I also do have a few other friends who just can’t stay with the same mate for over a couple of years. So which is the better option, being promiscuous or never being involved with more than a few people sexually?

Love’s got nothing to do with lust

Temptation is all around us. And however loyal we are, it’s hard to pretend like we have given our mind, body and soul to our lover, even though we really want to. If someone sexually attractive shows a sexual interest in you, there is a conflict of emotions. But if you are so loyal to your own lover, why is there a need for a conflict? The answer is right there. The answer is ‘stay loyal’. But yet, we need to ponder about it over our sleep.

A friend of mine even broke up with her childhood sweetheart when she was getting attention from another great looking, smooth guy. No, she didn’t want to go out with him, though she loved flirting with him. But something inside her told her that she may just be better off being single and flirting with other men until she can get over the temptation and find the perfect guy.

It’s been said that when someone falls in love, they devote themselves completely to their partner. True, everyone does, but their sexual urges don’t.

Unfortunately, and contrary to popular belief, sex has got nothing to do with love. Sex does feel special when you’re in love, but that’s probably because you’re involving two special feelings, love and sex, to mingle together. There’s nothing in the world that proves that sex feels best when you’re in love!

How many people who have been in love for over a decade say that they’ve had explosive sex on a one night stand, and even go to the extent of saying that they had the best sex of their lives while they were having an affair? Sounds crazy, and confusing, doesn’t it? So what the heck has love got to do with lust?

Why we avoid getting into an affair

In reality, lust is compromised when we’re in love. And that’s the straight fact. You do think another person is hot, but the love and respect you have for your partner overrides the infatuation you have for another person. You don’t want to have sex with another person outside your relationship because that might hurt your sweetheart.

The fact that your affair would hurt your lover is what keeps you from having one in the first place. So, as a matter of fact, you are compromising and giving up your sexual urges, just so you could live happily with your lover.

Most of us already know this, on a subconscious level. That’s why we resort to role playing and fantasizing in bed.

Isn’t that the easiest way to stay away from promiscuity? If you can talk about and imagine having sex with someone else, do you really need to go out and do it? Maybe not. And role playing gives you a chance to make out with different people without actually leaving your bedroom or your lover out of the picture.

Some people resort to swinging, and swapping partners. Many of them even give testimony that swinging and exchanging partners has brought them closer together, and helped them love each other a lot more. Their reason *or excuse* is that there’s no real conflict between love and lust. And when there’s no conflict, there’s no need for love or lust to be undermined.

Many swingers claim that both love and lust bloom in their own gardens, and are separated by a picket fence of trust. Whatever that means, even if it does sound philosophical and vaguely true.

How to deal with promiscuity in love

Everyone in the world has their own way of dealing with promiscuity. Back in the earlier days, issues like these were taboo, and even close friends wouldn’t know if someone’s having a torrid affair. The men used to be a lot more immoral, and it was understood and accepted if he had mistresses. I can only imagine how women used to feel. Sexually deprived, jealous, or cheated?

We’ve come a long way from there today, and women too demand the sexual prowess that men ‘deserved’ in the old days. And maybe that’s why there’s so much promiscuity in the air.

Everyone wants to have a fling, and no one thinks twice about it. And now that we’ve come this far, it’s only a matter of time before it gets worse. Right now, even as you’re reading this, there are thousands of men and women getting their sheets dirty with someone outside their marriage.

How many lovers have you had?

In a survey I read a few years ago, I remember reading that Kiwi women are the most promiscuous in the world. On an average, one woman sleeps with twenty men, whereas the global average for women is around eight men. That’s one woman sleeping with eight men in her life, on an average. The figures aren’t any different for men either. Can you believe how things are these days?

When we used to be younger, even about two decades ago, if you told someone that your lover is the only person you’ve slept with in your entire life, they would go “Awww… that’s true love” but now, the only thing you’d hear is “Are you serious?!”

The teens these days are a lot wilder, and don’t really think twice about experimenting with each other.

Just the other day, while using my little nephew’s computer at my sister’s place, I saw a few porn videos in his playlist. I was shocked and spoke to him about it. He didn’t seem too disturbed or ashamed about it. He rattled off several raunchy websites and also told me that all his friends, girls and guys watch this ‘stuff’. You don’t think it’s a big deal? Think now. He’s in fifth grade! And so are all his friends!

The world has definitely changed. But I’d still stick to the same fact. True love is always better than promiscuity.

Love gives us a sense of fulfillment, while lust gives us instant gratification. The difference between love and lust is like dancing in a club. Love is like dancing after one drink. It’s smooth, mellow and happy all the while.

Lust is like dancing while tripping on LSD *don’t try it if you haven’t already!*. It’s a rush that nothing else in the world can give, but you’d feel terrible and empty after the trip’s gone. 

Look out if you must

Being promiscuous isn’t really bad. I’d even advice you to be, just as long as your mind and body is ready for it. And if you were to ask me, I’d tell you to explore the options and have fun, until you realize for yourself that there’s nothing better than finding that one special person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

There’s nothing worse than finding the love of your life, and worrying about dipping your feet into the waters of promiscuity just because you’ve been with just one person your whole life while the global average is around eight.

Makes you feel small and inadequate, doesn’t it?

But hey, you should consider yourself lucky. You didn’t have to put up with bad lovers to get to your best. You got the best lover in the whole world without trying too hard, right?

The war between promiscuity and love will never end, and quite frankly, these days, promiscuity and lust are beating love hands down, but it’s never too late.

Remember, love is the final answer at the end.

Love is the super power when compared to lust, when we look at their roles throughout one’s life. Both, love and lust, are two entities that are plugged into your body, and there’s always a conflict between the two. Which one wins defines the outcome of your relationship and your happiness.

Unless, of course, both of you are willing to compromise on lust and love, once in a while. If you were to ask me, I’d suggest staying in love instead of falling for lust. But if you can’t handle it, choose the middle path that’ll make both of you happy.

But can that really make things better, giving rein to lust while love takes the back seat now and then? It may not be the easiest way to satiate your lustful cravings while being in a committed relationship. But if you want to experiment in bed, start by experimenting in your mind through sexual fantasies. But then again, if you need more than just a bedroom fantasy to satiate your lust, you definitely need to remember the consequences.

Promiscuity always rears its head when you’re in love. But will you get more satisfaction and happiness from true love, or would you prefer to let lust control your mind? Your decision here will choose the direction of the relationships in your life.

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Tuesday 29 September 2015

Money: If You Love Her, Share The Bills

"Sharing expenses in a relationship with either your partner, spouse or flatmate can be difficult to get right. There are several different options for working out the fairest way to do this, one being to pay for all personal things yourself and then to split all other bills 50/50".          - Susan

Money: If You Love Her, Share The Bills

There's no romance in joint accounts, but couples can embrace each other's finances without sacrificing their independence

MOST people in their 20s or 30s already know that love and money don't mix. It's all very well falling for someone's unworldly charm, but it's considerably less romantic two years on when you want to buy a house and your partner refuses to save any money or think beyond next week.

Fiona Price, managing director of independent financial advisers Fiona Price & Partners, says she tells clients that being open about money is as important as all the other intimate details you reveal to your partner. "It's very sensible to know what's in your partner's bank balance," she says."You should assume that your relationship is going to work out - but if it doesn't, you should be able to walk away with some financial independence."

Being open about money doesn't mean you have to agree every transaction with your partner, and you shouldn't sling out your separate current accounts along with your single status. Independent financial adviser Christine Ross, director of Willis National, says: "A lot of people keep one bank account separate; you don't want to know how much your partner spent on your birthday present."

Ms Price says the key to avoiding disagreements about who owes what is to have a joint account for bills and other expenses. Add up how much you'll need to put in the kitty each month and each agree to pay a fair percentage. "Quite often what causes problems is that a couple put in 50 per cent each, taking no account of the fact that one earns more than the other," says Ms Price.

Banks can be unenthusiastic when couples set up a joint account that is dedicated to paying bills, especially if the current accounts are held elsewhere. However, the Co-Op Bank's Pathfinder is a savings account that lets you set up standing orders and direct debits for all bills, and you also get Visa/Delta cards. It's also useful for any joint short-term savings you may want to make: interest is paid at 2.5 per cent up to pounds 2,500, and up to pounds 5,000 earns 4 per cent gross.

Many married people like to keep their building society or bank savings separate from their partner's, if only to give an illusion of independence. But if one of you is a 40 per cent taxpayer and the other isn't, it does make sense to put savings in the lower- earner's name to save tax.

The picture is different if you aren't married. "There could be a hell of an argument if unmarried people split up after having set up joint savings," says Ms Ross. "Remember that when you have a joint account, either partner could draw out all the money." A good compromise are the "linked" savings accounts offered by Direct Line and Standard Life. You both have separate accounts in your own names but all the money is pooled for interest calculation, so you get a higher overall rate.

You are especially vulnerable if you've moved in with a partner but have no official share in the house. Even if you pay half the mortgage, you have no automatic rights. "There's no such thing as a common-law husband or wife," says Ms Ross. "The burden of proof is on the person who doesn't own it to prove they've contributed."

Married people benefit to an extent from the married couple's tax allowance, currently worth pounds 274.50 a year. If you're getting married in the near future you'll need to ask for form 11PA to claim the money, all of which automatically goes to the husband unless you ask for a different arrangement. (Be warned: deviating from the "norm" involves a lot of complicated form- filling. The Inland Revenue seems unable to cope with the idea that a wife might fill in the claim form.)

Finally, everyone in a relationship should make a will. If you die without making a will and aren't married, your partner will keep any assets in joint names (such as the house) but may have to fight the family for a share of the rest. It's not so bad if you are married: if you haven't got kids, the surviving spouse will automatically inherit everything up to pounds 200,000. Anything above that has to be shared 50/50 with the dead spouse's parents and siblings. In Scotland the survivor gets slightly less.


1. Leaving all the finances to one partner to sort out. This is unfair and leaves the financially ignorant partner vulnerable. If your relationship were to end, would you know where to find all the relevant documents and do you know where all the money is invested? (If your relationship is in trouble you should find out and, nasty though it sounds, photocopy everything.)

2. Taking out "joint life" policies. Joint life insurance, such as term assurance to back up a mortgage, is cheaper but it makes more sense to keep separate policies. Given that more than one in three marriages ends in divorce, taking out a joint endowment policy can be disastrous. If you split up, one partner may not be able to afford to buy the policy outright and you'll end up losing money when you surrender it or sell it. Better to buy two policies. If you split up, you've both got something to show for it.

3. Paying unequal shares. If you earn more than your partner, consider whether you shouldn't pay more towards the house and bills. Not being fair breeds resentment.

4. Keeping secrets. By all means keep separate current accounts, but if you share a bathroom with someone, shouldn't you be ready to let them see your bank balance?

5. Being at odds over spending. There's no cure for this one. If you are pounds 2,000 in debt on credit cards and your partner searches behind the sofa for a missing 10p, you are financially incompatible. You can work at it - and it can be fine when each partner helps to curb the other's excesses - but don't bank on it.

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Monday 28 September 2015

6 Warning Signs That You Are Still Hung Up on Your Ex

"The majority of us have experienced that feeling of the excruiciating  pain that comes with a broken relationship.  Listen to your mother who tells you that time is a great healer.  But when we are in pain we tend to console our broken hearts by reliving the misery of the breakup  over and over again. 
To speed up the healing process you have to break the cycle of the painful memories. This can be done by changing your habits.  For example remove and change things that remind you of your ex,  little things at home like changing your furniture around, but new bed linen, change the music you would listen to together, take up a new hobby, get rid of their telephone number.
Accept that the healing process will take time, but it will get better, most importantly banish any negative thoughts, only allow the positive thoughts to linger in your mind."   -  Susan

6 Warning Signs That You Are Still Hung Up on Your Ex

If you've been in a committed relationship, whether it was for months or for years, you know that breaking up is hard to do. For some, the official ending of the relationship is something they expected for quite a long time, and when it happens, they experience a sense of freedom and relief. Others are blindsided by the relationships end and experience more difficulty trying to cope. And when we have a broken heart, friends and family are quick to offer support and advice on how to heal. Caution: there are no immediate fixes for a broken heart!

You've heard the phrase, "If you want to get over someone, you've got to get under someone new?" Yeah, that's a bad idea! While dating again can be exciting and offer some temporary distraction from your grief, beginning too soon may set yourself up for more disappointment. And too many disappointing experiences will cause you to doubt the possibility of finding viable and better alternatives and keep you stuck on your last relationship. That's why it's critical to know when it's too early to think about someone new. Here are six signs you should put the brakes on dating. 

1) Communicating, Negotiating and Denial

The ending of a relationship means that two people who shared so much together must now untangle and separate so many parts of their lives. As you might expect, it's almost impossible for this to happen without a transitional period. Often, you have property to be exchanged and moved, as well as other loose ends needing to be tied up. These issues will require communicating with your ex-partner to accomplish the tasks of separating. Sometimes, these communications include negotiation and re-evaluation to confirm a separation is what you both want. This is also the time couples make another attempt at making a relationship work. If you are in this denial stage and still consider getting back with your ex-partner, dating a new person isn't something you should be doing.

2) Ruminating About Your Ex?

Psychologists define ruminating as passive and repeated focusing and thinking about a situation, its causes and its consequences. Ruminating is finding yourself caught in a loop, replaying memories and past conversations, or fantasizing about what you might say to your ex. If you catch yourself doing this, you haven't recovered enough to consider dating.

3) Anger and Guilt

Anger is the second stage after denial in the grief and loss process. We experience anger or guilt after our denial of the loss wanes and the pain of the breakup re-emerges. For most people, anger is directed at their ex-partner or at the circumstances that led to the breakup. For example, if your relationship ended because of infidelity, you might be angry with your ex-partner for cheating and angry with the other person for being a "home-wrecker." Or, if you were in a relationship with a person who was abusive, you might be angry with yourself for getting involved. 

On the other side of anger, newly single people experience a tremendous amount of guilt and blame for the relationship ending. This is true for those partners who are guilty of engaging in outside affairs, cheating, or emotional or physical abuse. Knowing they are most at fault for the relationship ending, they may frantically attempt to undo the damage or "make up" for what they have done and recover the relationship. When their efforts are re-buffed, they experience the most trouble recovering from the loss. If this sounds like you, avoid single's events for a while.

4) Hunting and Haunting

When a former couple gets past the negotiation stage and all communication has stopped, many single people find they are engaging in what I call "hunting and haunting." Hunting involves going to places where there is a high probability of running into an ex-partner. This might include frequenting restaurants, bars and nightclubs that otherwise haven't been part of your stomping grounds. In doing so, the Hunter fantasizes that their ex-partner will have a sudden and dramatic change of heart after a "coincidental" meeting. The "coincidental" meeting is awkward at best, and might even look desperate. Haunting refers to stalking behaviors like driving by the ex-partner's home or monitoring their social media sites hoping to see that nothing in their life has changed. 

Hunting and haunting is detrimental to your recovery for several reasons. First, it requires you to spend considerable time and energy thinking about your ex-partner and what they might be doing. And when you find evidence that your ex-partner might have moved on, you'll make unfavorable comparisons to your life and ruminate about your loss. Too often, the information you learn is incomplete, and you become more curious. Again, the focus is on your ex, instead of focusing on things you could do to speed up your recovery.

5) Desperation Dating

Sure, rebounding can help take the focus off of your ex-partner and provide a needed boost in self-esteem. But accepting an undesirable but available new partner could be even worse. If you are feeling desperate and you're uncomfortable with being single, then you are not ready to begin a relationship with anyone but yourself.

6) Making Comparisons

Dating too soon can also result in unfavorably comparing your new friend to your ex-partner, feeling disappointed, and result in an emotional set-back for you. That is, when you start to believe that no one can compare to your ex, your outlook for future relationships begins to look bleak. But disappointment isn't the only consequence! If your last relationship was unhealthy and problematic, you might make comparisons that idealize a potential date, because they seem to have the opposite qualities of your ex. While tempting, the fact you are even making such comparisons is a sign that it's still too soon.

The lesson here is a simple one: Dating again before healing from your last relationship isn't a cure for your broken heart. Remember, a breakup is a transitional period and should be a time for self-reflection and healing, not beginning a new relationship.

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Sunday 27 September 2015

Got Ghosted? 5 Clear Signs and 5 Ways to Deal With It

"I have learnt something today and yes realisation has hit me, I have been ghosted. Many many years ago a good friend of mine who I used to meet at least twice a week just stopped all communication with me.  At the time I was hurt,  and put it down to the fact that she had a new man in her life who maybe didn't want her to have her own friends. How did I get over it? I told myself that it was her loss, true friends are not always easy to find and she discarded one".                                 - Susan

Got Ghosted? 5 Clear Signs and 5 Ways to Deal With It

Are you someone who has a tendency to get ghosted without even realizing it? Here’s how to know if this is you, and the different ways to deal with it.

Getting ghosted can be one of the most frustrating things on the planet. But first, what really is ghosting? For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, other than it being used around Halloween time, I’ll break it down for you.

What is ghosting?

Ghosting is when you abruptly and suddenly cease all forms of communication with someone who you are currently dating but no longer wish to date. This is performed by people who dislike confrontation, and are hoping that the person they are seeing will just “get the hint” and back off.

Yeah, I know. It’s harsh. And it really does suck for people that it happens to, for a number of reasons. It offers no reasoning, no closure, and leaves the victims feeling confused and insecure. But it does happen quite often, and it’s always relieving to know if you’re really being ghosted or if someone is just busy.

I have personally never been ghosted. Maybe it’s because I’m just too annoying and eventually the guy has to just tell me what’s going on so his phone will stop blowing up. I’m not really sure.

However, a lot of my friends have, and I’ve watched them sit through each of these signs.

5 Clear signs that you’ve been ghosted

It can seem pretty obvious that you’re being ghosted, but there is a way of ghosting someone that can be so subtle, you won’t even know that you’ve slipped into the trap. With all of the hell my friends have been through, I’ve figured out 5 ways you can tell if you’re being ghosted for sure, and another 5 ways to deal with it.

#1 You receive zero communication from their end.

So you’ve texted them a few times and even called here and there and have received silence, yet they’ve been on social media and you know they saw your texts. Maybe they’re busy, but if it’s been a couple of days and you haven’t heard from them once, then chances are, you’ve been ghosted.

#2 You were deleted from any and all social media.

If you two have been seeing each other, odds are that you’re friends on social media. This one is tricky, because it could happen before or after the actual act of ghosting.

If by chance you find yourself missing their posts from Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, and you decide to investigate and you are no longer their friend, then you may also find yourself absent from their recent contacts list. Your “date” is most likely winding up to ghost you officially.

#3 They don’t show up to the plans you make.

If you’re making all sorts of plans with them and then finding yourself sitting alone at the bar, mini golf course, or even at a nice restaurant, then you’re being ghosted – something that is traditionally known as being stood up. They don’t want to take the time and tell you that they can’t show up, because then they would have to make up an excuse and blah, blah, blah. They find ghosting easier.

#4 They use the excuse of always being “busy.”

This is a much more subtle sign that you’re either currently being ghosted, or you will be ghosted very soon. When your texts and calls always go unanswered, only for them to reply with, “Sorry. Busy,” then you’re definitely getting ghosted.

They don’t have an actual excuse for why they haven’t gotten to your messages, so chances are, they aren’t busy and they just want you to get the hint. Don’t be surprised if these “busy” texts turn into no replies at all – the true sign of being ghosted

#5 They end conversations abruptly.

Have you been mid-conversation with the person you’re dating *via texting or messaging, usually* and they can’t seem to keep the conversation going? Do they just cut you off, or reply with vague agreements?

If yes, then most likely, they’re gearing up to hit you with the ghost! This is a subtle sign that you’re being ghosted, and they’re preparing to hit you with the ultimate ghost very shortly.

Alright, so if you’ve been ghosted, how do you deal with it?

If you’re one of the unlucky few that have been ghosted and now have to deal with it, then you don’t have it very easy. It can be hard to accept the fact that someone would rather just cut off all ties and have no further contact with you than to just have a conversation that would end things.

5 Ways to deal with ghosting without losing your mind

We have put our heads together and come up with 5 ways that will make dealing with this a lot easier.

#1 Just accept it. There’s no point in trying to get around it. There’s no point in making excuses for this person. It happened. Just take it in stride, and accept the fact that they no longer want to proceed with any form of a relationship.

And that’s okay! Accepting this will make getting over it a whole lot easier. Just shrug it off, don’t try to contact them, and you will be just fine. The first step in anything is acceptance, right?

#2 Realise that they’re not worth it. And by “it,” I mean any negative emotions you may be feeling. If this person doesn’t even have the decency to break things off with you in person, then they’re not worth your time. Not to mention they couldn’t even lamely break it off over the phone either!

People who ghost are people who don’t have any regard for dealing with other people’s issues or feelings. Those people will not be a good fit in your life anyway, and they’re not even worth the wasted mascara, over-consumption of ice cream, or the anger that comes with them.

#3 Look at is as a positive. They did you a favour! Obviously, if someone is ghosting you, then they have a serious problem facing confrontation of any kind. This is a great thing for you to realize as early as you have!

What would happen down the road if the two of you got into a relationship and then into an inevitable fight? Would they just lock themselves in the bathroom or run off to the bar and just ignore you until they think the problem is resolved? You shouldn’t want to be with someone like that, anyways! So by ghosting you, they have done you the favor of breaking it off before you had to.

#4 Stop trying to get a reply out of them. Better yet, just delete their number all together. And if they haven’t already deleted you from their social media, then beat them to it. In order to deal with being ghosted, it’s best to just cut yourself off. Don’t go around texting and calling them all the time. Don’t call them out on social media either. Just leave them be and move on!

#5 Find someone else. What better way to get over someone who rudely just stopped talking to you than to find someone else to spend your time with? Get out there and find someone who is better than anyone who would ghost you. There are many, many people out there who are far better than that person, and it’s time for you to realize that. Distract yourself with someone better!

Being ghosted can be tricky to spot, and even harder to deal with. But if you use the tips above to identify it first, you will also be able to deal with it and move on!

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Saturday 26 September 2015

Sexual Racism: Why Are People OK With Saying Racist Things on Dating Apps?

"Are we being racist just because on dating sites we state what we are looking for in a partner? After all the majority of us are looking for life partners so getting it right from the start helps.
Luckily most of us live in a society where we have freedom of speech.  I think ignorance can sometimes come across as racism, it seems that the list of what is deemed as improper to say is getting longer and more extreme.
One of the main attractions of using a dating site is that you are able to state your preferences, whatever that may be.  Its about mate selection, sexual attraction cannot be forced, you have a right to describe what you are looking for and want. If this is classed as discrimination by some, then so be it, however in our requests there is no need for rudeness towards anybody.
Can you imagine what life would be like if we all wanted to date the same type of person?     - Susan

Sexual Racism: Why Are People OK With Saying Racist Things on Dating Apps?

Many men on gay dating apps choose to include a racial preference. Why?

If you don’t have enough jerks in your life, sign up for an online dating app. It will only be a matter of time before you encounter some spectacularly offensive and unsolicited people and materials.

Shallowness in online dating manifests in different ways, but is mostly about appearance. Fat people are ridiculed all the time. The plight of bald men has been well articulated by the likes of Larry David and Louis CK. And of course, anytime we talk about appearance, race will eventually come into play. Online dating apps provide fertile ground for these kinds of appearance-based biases to take root. And that’s starting to spark some very important discussions surrounding dating and identity

OK Cupid co-founder Christian Rudder once told NPR, “Black users, especially, there's a bias against them. Every kind of way you can measure their success on a site — how people rate them, how often they reply to their messages, how many messages they get — that's all reduced.”

More recently, talk of sexual racism has exploded within the gay community, and a number of men using apps like Grindr and Scruff have come forward to discuss the race-based profiles they encounter.

The page Douchebags of Grindr features 57 pages of prize gems; screen shots of some of the most direct and exclusionary profiles around. One reads, “Not looking for Fat. Old. Or anything but White.” Another states, “I love men from different cultures. Just no Asians. I’m not racist.”

Everyone has particular preferences when it comes to sexual partners. “You’re dealing with people, who are naturally imperfect, you’re going to find those who can prefer a particular race or religion or cup size,” says relationship expert April Masini. Having a certain preference for a certain style isn’t inherently wrong. But the approach that some employ when advertising them should be examined.

LGBT lifestyle expert Mikey Rox told AlterNet, “You don’t have to engage with anybody on these apps. You can choose to not respond to them. Why do you have to go out of your way to potentially hurt someone’s feelings?” In that sense, Rox says, stating a specific racial preference in one’s profile just isn’t necessary.

It’s hard to say why such overt prejudices seem so prevalent on gay dating apps in particular. Maybe it’s easier to be more direct in places where gender divisions don’t exist. Maybe others feel that maintaining certain formalities simply isn’t necessary.

Rox says, “I think there is a distinguishing factor with particular gay sites. You know, Tinder is called a ‘dating app.’ But Grindr and Scruff are very much ‘hook up apps.’”

“On dating apps there’s more of a courtship element, where people have to mind their P’s and Q’s, you know, you can’t be immediately racist on your profile. But with hook-up apps, if it’s strictly about sex, people just get to the point; they don’t beat around the bush.”

He added, “We’re also talking about men, who tend to be a little bit more foreword and to-the-point than women are on dating sites.”

So, yes, if you don’t want to date a black person, you don’t have to. If you don’t want to date a white person, you don’t have to. But it is worth asking why those so committed to racialized dating feel the way they do. Kristen Martinez, a Seattle-based psychotherapist specializing in LGBT issues, says, “If you dig a little deeper into these motivations, you may start to notice some racist undertones to why you prefer certain ethnic groups over others.”

An Australian study cited in a recent article by The Daily Beast, suggests, “Sexual racism… is closely associated with generic racist attitudes, which challenges the idea of racial attraction as solely a matter of personal preference.”

There aren’t many places left in society where you can get away with saying something like “No Blacks.” Not in Brooklyn, at least. So why do such a significant portion of gay men feel comfortable writing it on their profiles? The answer most likely relates back to what we said earlier: the anonymity of the Internet provides a certain leeway to express oneself in a way that might otherwise be avoided.

And who easier to target than members of a community already hit by cemented racial stereotypes? When it comes to sex in particular, certain stigmas tends to fall on both black and Asian individuals regarding penis size. Rox says, “I talk with plenty of gay people who say that’s the reason they don’t want to hook up with these racial groups.”

It’s also true that certain areas tend to be populated by certain demographics. And though most online dating apps operate in accordance to location, exclusionary politics knows no bounds.

LeNair Xavier, 44, tells AlterNet, “It’s offensive in general, but it’s even more offensive when I see a person who comes to my neighborhood – which when I was growing up was primarily black, and is just now getting gentrified – and writes a profile that says something like ‘no blacks.’”

“That comes from the whole attitude of white entitlement or white privilege. It’s like, you’re going to bring that to Bedstuy, Brooklyn? Of all places. Are you serious?”

We’ve reached a point in time where diversity has become something to celebrate. If there’s one thing our techno-based society offers, it’s access access to different values, different identities, and different cultures. So why do some seem so resistant to embrace them?

Evolutionary psychologist Ethan Gregory suggests some current behaviors can be attributed to what helped us survive in the past. He says, “Safety for us meant sticking within the group where we had resources and mates. Strangers were potentially dangerous to interact with.”

“Fast forward to today, where we live in a multi-cultural world, American culture claims itself as a melting pot, but in our homes we develop a preference for those that we are most comfortable with, and that typically means same ethnicity/race as ourselves,” he continued. “It takes open mindedness and bravery to buck tradition and date outside of ones own ethnicity. Props to those brave souls that are willing to not only step out of the closet, but to step out of their ethnic comfort zones as well.”

Differences can be scary, especially when applied to sexual interactions. Rox explains, “I think most people are just afraid. It’s different. It’s different skin, different colours; you just sort of don’t know what to make of it. Different nationalities circumcise, some don’t. Things look different down there. And that can be frightening to someone who hasn’t seen something like that before.”

There are those who will advise against placing a racial preference on one’s profile. But maybe it’s not all bad that some do. As Rox says, “There’s a silver lining, I suppose. It can give you a pretty good view into that person’s personality and how they treat other people.”