Online Date with Fish2Fish: emotions

Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts

Monday, 18 July 2016

How to Make Love to a Woman, As Told by a Woman

"This has the makings of a good time, but it would be interesting to hear the opinions of all you men out there" - Susan

How to Make Love to a Woman, As Told by a Woman

Wild sex is fun from time to time, but making love can be just what both of you need. Find out how to make love to a woman from a woman.

Women love slow, romantic sex. In other words, we love when a man makes love to us. Forget banging, getting laid, getting it on, and all of those different ways to have sex. We often love the caring nature of making love more than any of that.

This is a lot different that your average male because their instincts most often drive them in the direction of hot, steamy, rough sex. That being said, they don’t exactly know how to make love the way a woman might like it best.

How making love is different than your average sex

They don’t just call it “making love” for no reason. This type of sex is much different from your average romp in the sheets. There’s a lot more care and emotion involved in making love than just taking off your clothes and going at it.

This doesn’t mean that every time you have sex with someone you love it has to be categorized as making love. In fact, this type of love should be saved for special occasions because it is such an intimate act.

How to make love to a woman

Making love to a woman is not an easy task, and most men need some direction. Who better to get that from than a woman herself? If you want to make love to a woman and really show her how you truly feel about her through sex, this is how you should do it.

#1 Take it seriously. I know that making jokes and being silly can really ease the seriousness of sex and make it light and fun. However, if you want to really find out how to make love to a woman, you’ll want to be serious about it.

Set the jokes and funny antics aside for the night and put on a more serious, intimate tone. Not only will she be able to feel the difference in your emotional state during sex, but she’ll also be able to feel just how serious you are about HER, and that will translate into some great lovemaking.

#2 Foreplay should be emotional. Normally, your foreplay might be intense and physical… at least I hope it is. When you get to the foreplay portion when you’re trying to make love to a woman, though, it has to be a lot more emotional than it is physical.

This doesn’t just start when you get home. This should be started during the day with sweet, loving text messages sent her way. This kind of foreplay really speaks to her emotional side and will get her in the romantic mood for some fantastic sex later on.

#3 The entire evening should be romantic. You can’t just make the sex romantic and call it making love. You have to set up the entire mood for lovemaking in order to successfully make love to your woman.

Try having a delicious and decadent dinner that’s lowly lit with a lot of conversation surrounding your feelings for her. You’ll get bonus points if you cook the meal yourself.

#4 Make sure the lighting is dim. To set the mood for making love to a woman, you’ll have to keep the lighting very dim and sultry.

I suggest lighting some candles to give the kind of atmosphere that fosters those sexy shadows you sometimes see in movies. The second she sees the candles, she’ll know that this is a day for lovemaking and not just sex.

#5 Throw on some slow, sexy music. None of that grinding, thumping music that initiates the fasat-paced sex you’re so used to. Set up the mood with some slow jazz or other mood music with a slower and sexier pace.

This will not only remind you of the mood you’re trying to build, but it’ll also keep your sex slow and romantic, just as it should be when you’re trying to make love.

#6 Pamper her. There’s nothing that will make her feel more loved than pampering her in every way you can. This means choosing your dinner food based on what you know she loves, giving her a hot oil massage, and just telling her how beautiful she is in every way.

If you know that she loves something in particular that really helps her to unwind and relax, make sure you do it for her.

#7 Pick the best place. Now, this doesn’t mean you should book a hotel room or try to get frisky outside. Actually, making love is most effective when done in your own home. It’s much more personal that way.

However, you can decide where in your home is the most romantic place to do the deed. If the bedroom is the nicest and cosiest, do it there. If you have a fireplace and can lay down a blanket, that could make for an extremely romantic and intimate setting.

#8 Pick the right positions for intimate contact. Doggy style is not a good position to go for when you’re making love to a woman. It’s very primal and detached, and that’s exactly the opposite of what you want when lovemaking.

A huge part of how to make love to a woman involves trying positions that are face-to-face and therefore perfect for the closest contact. Missionary and spooning are two of the best positions when you want to make love.

#9 Make it more about her. This doesn’t just mean pampering her. This means actually making the sex more about her feelings than yours. For guys, it’s easy to get off after a little while, but women typically take more time.

So focus the sex on her pleasure this time. Spend some time giving her some much-appreciated oral, and focus on getting her off before you finish.

#10 Tell her how much you care about her. And do so while you’re having sex. It can be a bit challenging for a guy to open up about his feelings for the one he loves, especially during sex, but it can be a small touch that can make the world of difference for her. Something as simple as, “You make me so happy,” can do wonders.

#11 Take the time to cuddle afterwards. Making love to a woman doesn’t just mean having sex. It means making sure she feels loved and cared for during the entirety of the sex act—and yes, that includes afterwards.

You can’t successfully make love to a woman without spending cuddle time with her after sex. This is perfect for making her feel the love even after the sex has ended, ensuring that she truly feels appreciated for more than just her body.

Knowing how to make love to a woman is much more than simply perfecting your moves and doing the deed. There’s a lot more that goes into true lovemaking that only a woman shed some light on.

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Thursday, 26 May 2016

The One (Really BIG!) Reason Monogomy Beats Polyamory EVERY Time

"Monogamy vs polyamory ? in my mind it has to be monogamy, why ? life has enough stresses in it without adding multiple relationships to it" - Susan

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The One (Really BIG!) Reason Monogomy Beats Polyamory EVERY Time

We are only human.

Monogamy isn't the only way to live, but it's a path that provides the most comfort, a sense of belonging, good health and longevity we deeply desire.

A polyamorous relationship can provide those things, but it also dramatically ups the ante for those scary feelings we all experience when wounded in love. By being deeply vulnerable to more than one person, the possibilities for suffering increases. So for those of us who already have enough of a challenge working through our emotions with a single partner, it can be too overwhelming to make polyamory work.

Thanks to that little ol' evolutionary adaptation called LOVE, you're hard-wired to vigilantly assess the quality of connection between you and the person you feel most bonded to. If that loved one seems unavailable — literally or emotionally — you'll experience biologically-driven, unstoppable feelings of vulnerability ... be it within monogamy, polyamory, or all the shades of grey in between. 'Tis just the way you're built.

Is there anything more comforting than belonging so completely within a securely bonded relationship of commitment, availability, responsiveness, and emotional engagement?

Our ability to emotionally bond with another is an integral part of who we are, and played a huge role in ensuring we survived as a species. When Mom emotionally bonds with Baby, Baby's chance of survival improves; so in order to survive, Baby seeks emotional and physical bonding with Mom (our first primary other).

Makes sense, right? We also developed the ability for romantic love so Dad sticks around to protect Mom and Baby from predators and competing males.

So yeah, our need for love runs deep, and you need it today JUST as much as you did when you were a wee little baby. If you've ever felt like you might die without it, you weren't being over dramatic — it's awful when you feel that love is in short supply.

When I was in a polyamorous relationship and my primary partner shared her unrelenting desire to connect emotionally and sexually with an ex-lover, it broke me to pieces. I felt heartbroken, rejected, and powerless. Of course within the agreements of our relationship, it was her right to follow her longing, and my job to process the resulting pain — which I did while sobbing in the arms of my friends.

"Learn to recognise the counterfeit coins

that may buy you just a moment of pleasure,

But then drag you for days

Like a broken man

Behind a farting camel."

— Cast All Your Votes for Dancing, Hafiz

Mind you, I'm genuinely grateful for that experience — and it’s not because I’m a masochist. In this instance (and others), I traversed the depths of my suffering, and now as an emotionally focused couples therapist I harness these experiences to be in sync with my clients' pain and guide them through it to the other side where the longed for experiences of connection, love, and soothing with their primary other reside.

For me polyamory was a challenging, spiritual and self-developmental practice (so is fasting, meditation, social isolation, and attaching weights to your genitals in order to transcend the limits of your biological drives). If you're ready to face your hard-wired fears and trigger them day-after-day, you’d be hard pressed to find a better practice than Polyamory to bring you to your knees to submit to your vulnerability.

But if you want some modicum of comfort during this wild and danger-ridden journey called life, then monogamy is probably for you.

Is there anything more comforting than belonging so completely within a securely bonded relationship of commitment, availability, responsiveness, and emotional engagement? It ain't perfect (spoiler alert: you won't avoid feeling vulnerable), but it's the best available path we have to feel connected to our primary other with as little heartache as possible.

I, for one, am happier on the monogamy path. My relationship serves as a secure base and emboldens me to step outside of my comfort zone professionally and personally. Today as I type away in our family's living room, I can hear my wife and toddler going bananas in the kitchen making popcorn. You know, life brings its own f'ing growth opportunities without me searching them out. I'd rather my relationship provide the love and popcorn.

We are all longing to be loved — longing to feel safe and securely snuggled under mother nature's security blanket (our ability to emotionally bond with another). The part of you that needs love the most is not a weak or needy part, it is actually the best part of you and the part of you that most deserves love.

Be kind to yourself and others. You deserve it — we all do!

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Monday, 1 February 2016

What Happens When What You Said Isn't Quite What Your Partner Heard?

"Great points and so easy to relate to. Talk to each other about any worries or concerns. Don't expect your partner to be a mind reader!" - Susan

What Happens When What You Said Isn't Quite What Your Partner Heard?

The Project

Have you ever said something to your partner only to find they ‘heard’ something different? Such misunderstandings are common in relationships and often cause arguments. And according to the authors of Fighting For Your Marriage, that’s because most of us communicate through filters.

The aim

Filters are the main miscommunication culprit in relationships. By understanding them, you can immediately improve how you relate.

The theory

We all have filters, which affect what we hear, say and how we interpret things. When what you say isn’t what your partner heard, then some of the following filters may be in play:

Distractions. Whatever the distraction, it can stop us focusing properly. If you want to discuss an important issue, find a good time and place, then give each other your undivided attention.
Emotions. If you’re angry, worried or sad, it can negatively affect how you interpret what your partner says. Recognising your mood can help you both realise what is going on.
Beliefs and expectations. People tend to see what they expect to see in others or in situations. Don’t try to mind-read – check out any assumptions with your partner
Differences in style. Being aware of these can help prevent misunderstandings.
Self-protection. Fear of rejection can prevent us from saying what we really want or feel. Clearly expressing these feelings is likely to increase your potential for intimacy.

Try it out

Don’t defend your memory. Some of the biggest arguments couples have are about what was actually said in the past. This month, try giving up ‘being right’ about the past – even if the past was only half an hour ago. Shift the topic to what you think and feel in the present instead: ‘I’m not sure what I said exactly, but what I meant to say was…’
Announce your filters. Try spotting a filter in play in your daily conversations and tell your partner. For example, if you had a bad day at work you might say, ‘If I seem short, or distant, it isn’t you – it’s because I had a tricky chat with my boss and I’m preoccupied about it now.’

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Friday, 11 December 2015

Why Learning To SHUT UP Can Make Your Relationship SO Much Better

"Actually this works and makes for a harmonious life. Im not saying its easy

especially if like mine your mind is as busy as the streets of New York City.
It goes without saying that this applies to both genders." - Susan

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Why Learning To SHUT UP Can Make Your Relationship SO Much Better

Do you really need to tell him EVERYTHING you think?

Most people believe that it’s the outside noise from our social media timelines, phone notifications and endless forms of entertainment at our fingertips that are getting between our relationships. Truth is, it’s the noise in our head that’s doing the most damage.

According to a study by the National Science Foundation, the average person has about 50,000 thoughts per day. That’s an overwhelming load of thoughts to carry for a single person.

The real trouble comes when you feel the need to vocalise all of these thoughts to your partner so that they "understand" you, the way you think, and the way you feel. We particularly want to share our thoughts when we feel insecure, vulnerable and negative.

Your feelings, emotions, doubts and fears are yours alone to manage, and you shouldn't depend on the one you love to solve or analyse these thoughts for you. It’s time to stop vocalising them to your partner and learn when it's an appropriate time to shut up or to speak up.

When it's time to SHUT UP:

The first thing you have to ask yourself is, are my thoughts facts or feelings? When you answer that question with a lot of "I feel this," or "I think this," or "I’m assuming that," it's time for you to take a step back to manage and reflect on those issues on your own.

Why do you feel this way? What’s leading you to these thoughts? Could it be a result of your own insecurities or indecisiveness?

If you’re having recurring doubts or fears, it’s on you to push through it. There's no point in making the one you love feel insecure or doubtful along with you – instead, it will only lead to stress in your relationship. Hold off on speaking to him about those thoughts until you have a better grasp on what you want that conversation to accomplish.

When it's time to SPEAK UP:

If you’ve thought about what's bothering you on your own and you realise your thoughts are triggered by cold hard facts or a need for a resolution, then it’s time to speak up.

When a particular behaviour from him is what’s bothering you, talk to your partner about it and work together to resolve that issue. You should also figure out a way to handle it if (when) it happens again.

But be sure to stick to the facts – avoid bringing your feelings or emotions into the situation, as they can escalate the issue to something that you both can't handle. Speak up when there is something to resolve and when you are ready to focus on the solution to make it better.

Once you’ve spoken your piece, it’s time to shut up and listen to your partner. Instead of interrupting, judging or criticising, simply stay quiet and hear what they have to say.

Remove your partner from your own emotional rollercoaster and take responsibility for resolving your own thoughts and feelings. When you do, you will create a stable, balanced and happier relationship.

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Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Masculinity Is Killing Men: The Roots of Men and Trauma

“The three most destructive words that every man receives when he’s a boy is when he’s told to 'be a man,'” —Joe Ehrmann, coach and former NFL player

If we are honest with ourselves, we have long known that masculinity kills men, in ways both myriad and measurable. While social constructions of femininity demand that women be thin, beautiful, accommodating, and some unattainable balance of virginal and fuckable, social constructions of masculinity demand that men constantly prove and re-prove the very fact that they are, well, men.

Both ideas are poisonous and potentially destructive, but statistically speaking, the number of addicted and afflicted men and their comparatively shorter lifespans proves masculinity is actually the more effective killer, getting the job done faster and in greater numbers. Masculinity’s death tolls are attributed to its more specific manifestations: alcoholism, workaholism and violence. Even when it does not literally kill, it causes a sort of spiritual death, leaving many men traumatized, dissociated and often unknowingly depressed. (These issues are heightened by race, class, sexuality and other marginalizing factors, but here let’s focus on early childhood and adolescent socialization overall.) To quote poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning, “tis not in death that men die most.” And for many men, the process begins long before manhood.

The emotionally damaging “masculinization” of boys starts even before boyhood, in infancy. Psychologist Terry Real, in his 1998 book I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, highlights numerous studies which find that parents often unconsciously begin projecting a kind of innate “manliness”—and thus, a diminished need for comfort, protection and affection—onto baby boys as young as newborns. This, despite the fact that gendered behaviors are absent in babies; male infants actually behave in ways our society defines as “feminine.” As Real explains, “[l]ittle boys and little girls start off... equally emotional, expressive, and dependent, equally desirous of physical affection. At the youngest ages, both boys and girls are more like a stereotypical girl. If any differences exist, little boys are, in fact, slightly more sensitive and expressive than little girls. They cry more easily, seem more easily frustrated, appear more upset when a caregiver leaves the room.”

Yet both mothers and fathers imagine inherent sex-related differences between baby girls and boys. Even when researchers controlled for babies’ “weight, length, alertness, and strength,” parents overwhelmingly reported that baby girls were more delicate and “softer” than baby boys; they imagined baby boys to be bigger and generally “stronger.” When a group of 204 adults was shown video of the same baby crying and given differing information about the baby’s sex, they judged the “female” baby to be scared, while the “male” baby was described as “angry.”

Intuitively, these differences in perception create correlating differences in the kind of parental caregiving newborn boys receive. In the words of the researchers themselves, “it would seem reasonable to assume that a child who is thought to be afraid is held and cuddled more than a child who is thought to be angry.” That theory is bolstered by other studies Real cites, which consistently find that “from the moment of birth, boys are spoken to less than girls, comforted less, nurtured less.” To put it bluntly, we begin emotionally shortchanging boys right out of the gate, at the most vulnerable point in their lives.

It’s a pattern that continues throughout childhood and into adolescence. Real cites a study that found both mothers and fathers emphasized “achievement and competition in their sons,” and taught them to “control their emotions”—another way of saying boys are tacitly instructed to ignore or downplay their emotional needs and wants. Similarly, parents of both sexes are more punitive toward their sons, presumably working under the assumption that boys “can take it.” Beverly I. Fagot, the late researcher and author of The Influence of Sex of Child on Parental Reactions to Toddler Children, found that parents gave positive reinforcement to all children when they exhibited “same-sex preferred” behaviors (as opposed to “cross-sex preferred”). Parents who said they “accepted sex equity” nonetheless offered more positive responses to little boys when they played with blocks, and offered negative feedback to girls when they engaged in sporty behavior. And while independent play—away from parents—and “independent accomplishments” were encouraged in boys, girls received more positive feedback when they asked for help. As a rule, these parents were unaware of the active role they played in socializing their children in accordance with gender norms. Fagot notes that all stated they treated sons and daughters the same, without regard to sex, a claim sharply contradicted by study findings.

Undeniably, these kinds of lessons impart deeply damaging messages to both girls and boys, and have lifelong and observable consequences. But whereas, as Terry Real says, “girls are allowed to maintain emotional expressiveness and cultivate connection,” boys are not only told they should suppress their emotions, but that their manliness essentially depends on them doing so. Despite its logic-empty premise, our society has fully bought into the notion that the relationship between maleness and masculinity is somehow incidental and precarious, and embraced the myth that “boys must be turned into men...that boys, unlike girls, must achieve masculinity.”

Little boys internalize this concept early; when I spoke to Real, he indicated that research suggests they begin to hide their feelings from as young as 3 to 5 years old. “It doesn't mean that they have fewer emotions. But they're already learning the game—that it's not a good idea to express them,” Real says. Boys, conventional wisdom holds, are made men not by merely aging into manhood, but through the crushing socialization just described. But Real points out what should be obvious about cisgender boys: “[they] do not need to be turned into males. They are males. Boys do not need to develop their masculinity.”

It is impossible to downplay the concurrent influence of images and messages about masculinity embedded in our media. TV shows and movies inform kids—and all of us, really—not so much about who men (and women) are, but who they should be. While much of the scholarship about gender depictions in media has come from feminists deconstructing the endless damaging representations of women, there’s been far less research specifically about media-perpetuated constructions of masculinity. But certainly, we all recognize the traits that are valued among men in film, television, videogames, comic books, and more: strength, valor, independence, the ability to provide and protect.

While depictions of men have grown more complicated, nuanced and human over time (we’re long past the days of “Father Knows Best” and “Superman” archetypes), certain “masculine” qualities remain valued over others. As Amanda D. Lotz writes in her 2014 book, Cable Guys: Television and Masculinities in the 21st Century, though depictions of men in media have become more diverse, “storytelling has nevertheless performed significant ideological work by consistently supporting...male characters it constructs as heroic or admirable, while denigrating others. So although television series may have displayed a range of men and masculinities, they also circumscribed a 'preferred' or 'best' masculinity through attributes that were consistently idealized.”

We are all familiar with these recurring characters. They are fearless action heroes; prostitute-fucking psychopaths in Grand Theft Auto; shlubby, housework-averse sitcom dads with inexplicably beautiful wives; bumbling stoner twentysomethings who still manage to “nail” the hot girl in the end; and still, the impenetrable Superman. Even sensitive, loveable everyguy Paul Rudd somehow "mans up" before the credits roll in his films. Here, it seems important to mention a National Coalition on Television Violence study which finds that on average, 18-year-old American males have already witnessed some 26,000 murders on television, “almost all of them committed by men.” Couple those numbers with violence in film and other media, and the numbers are likely astronomical.

The result of all this—the early denial of boy’s feelings, and our collective insistence that they follow suit—is that boys are effectively cut off from their feelings and emotions, their deepest and most vulnerable selves. Historian Stephanie Coontz has labeled this effect the “masculine mystique.” It leaves little boys, and later, men, emotionally disembodied, afraid to show weakness and often unable to fully access, recognize or cope with their feelings.

In his book, Why Men Can’t Feel, Marvin Allen states, “[T]hese messages encourage boys to be competitive, focus on external success, rely on their intellect, withstand physical pain, and repress their vulnerable emotions. When boys violate the code, it is not uncommon for them to be teased, shamed, or ridiculed.” The cliche about men not being in touch with their emotions says nothing about inherent markers of maleness. It instead identifies behavioral outcomes that have been rigorously taught, often by well-meaning parents and society at large. As Terry Real said when I spoke to him, this process of disconnecting boys from their “feminine” —or more accurately, “human”—emotional selves is deeply harmful. “Every step...is injurious,” says Real. “It's traumatic. It's traumatic to be forced to abdicate half of your own humanity.”

That trauma makes itself plain in the ways men attempt to sublimate feelings of emotional need and vulnerability. While women tend to internalize pain, men instead act it out, against themselves and others. As Real told me, women “blame themselves, they feel bad, they know they feel bad, they'd like to get out of it. Boys and men tend to externalize stress. We act it out and often don't see our part in it. It’s the opposite of self-blame; it's more like feeling like an angry victim.” The National Alliance on Mental Illness states that across race and ethnicity, women are twice as likely to experience depression as men. But Real believes men’s acting-out behaviors primarily serve to mask their depression, which goes largely unrecognized and undiagnosed.

Examples of these destructive behaviors range from the societally approved, such as workaholism, to the criminally punishable, such as drug addiction and violence. Men are twice as likely as women to suffer from rage disorders. According to the Centers for Disease Control, men are more likely to drink to excess than women, leading to “higher rates of alcohol-related deaths and hospitalizations.” (Possibly because men under the influence are also more likely to engage in other risky behaviors, such as “driv[ing] fast or without a safety belt.”) Boys are more likely to have used drugs by the age of 12 than girls, which leads to a higher likelihood of drug abuse in men than in women later in life. American men are more likely to kill (committing 90.5 percent of all murders) and be killed (comprising 76.8 percent of murder victims). This extends to themselves, according to studies: “males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and comprise approximately 80 percent of all suicides.” (Interestingly, suicide attempts among women are estimated to be three to four times higher than that of their male counterparts.) And according to the Federal Bureau of Prisons, men make up more than 93 percent of prisoners.

The damaging effects of the aforementioned emotional severing even plays a role in the lifespan gender gap. As Terry Real explains:

"Men’s willingness to downplay weakness and pain is so great that it has been named as a factor in their shorter lifespan. The 10 years of difference in longevity between men and women turns out to have little to do with genes. Men die early because they do not take care of themselves. Men wait longer to acknowledge that they are sick, take longer to get help, and once they get treatment do not comply with it as well as women do."

Masculinity is both difficult to achieve and impossible to maintain, a fact that Real notes is evident in the phrase “fragile male ego.” Because men’s self-esteem often rests on so shaky a construct, the effort to preserve it can be all-consuming. Avoiding the shame that’s left when it is peeled away can drive some men to dangerous ends. This is not to absolve people of responsibility for their actions, but it does drive home the forces that underlie and inform behaviors we often attribute solely to individual issues, ignoring their root causes.

James Gilligan, former director of the Center for the Study of Violence at Harvard Medical School, has written numerous books on the subject of male violence and its source. In a 2013 interview with MenAlive, a men’s health blog, Gilligan spoke of his study findings, stating, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo that ‘loss of face’—no matter how severe the punishment, even if it includes death.”

Too often, men who are suffering do so alone, believing that revealing their personal pain is tantamount to failing at their masculinity. “As a society, we have more respect for the walking wounded,” Terry Real writes, “those who deny their difficulties, than we have for those who 'let' their conditions 'get to them.'" And yet, the cost, both human and in real dollars, of not recognizing men’s trauma is far greater than attending to those wounds, or avoiding creating them in the first place. It’s critical that we begin taking more seriously what we do to little boys, how we do it, and the high emotional cost exacted by masculinity, which turns emotionally whole little boys into emotionally debilitated adult men.

When masculinity is defined by absence, when it sits, as it does, on the absurd and fallacious idea that the only way to be a man is to not acknowledge a key part of yourself, the consequences are both vicious and soul crushing. The resulting displacement and dissociation leaves men yet more vulnerable, susceptible, and in need of crutches to help allay the pain created by our demands of manliness. As Terry Real writes, “A depressed woman’s internalization of pain weakens her and hampers her capacity for direct communication. A depressed man’s tendency to extrude pain...may render him psychologically dangerous.”

We have set an unfair and unachievable standard, and in trying to live up to it, many men are slowly killing themselves. We have to move far beyond our outdated ideas of masculinity, and get past our very ideas about what being a man is. We have to start seeing men as innately so, with no need to prove who they are, to themselves or anyone else.

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