Why Youth is wasted on the young

"In todays fast paced way of life I think 'Youth is wasted on the young', but only because of what society expects of them.  "Do well school, go to university, get a good job, earn lots of money, get a fast car,  your own home, get married have children." They have no time to enjoy their youth.

My message to the young is: Face life with your arms outstretched, grab new opportunities, have an open mind that can take you on a life of new adventures without any restraints"                                                                                                                                             -  Susan

Why Youth is wasted on the young

A simple saying that carries so much truth to it. You will never be younger than you are today, so you must embrace every possible opportunity that is presented to you. We fail to realise the importance of so many universal truths until later in life. These lessons and truths would've come in handy if we only realised sooner. There is so much advice you wish you knew when you were younger to better prepare you for various life incidents.

If only you knew you'd eventually get over your first love as you tried to navigate your breakup. We don't listen to our elders that tell us we will survive, we think it's the end of the world as we know it.

“The young are too immature to really appreciate being young and the older generation would really know how to appreciate and take advantage of being young again.”

Forgiveness is one of the best traits a person can possess, but this is another lesson we learn too little too late. How much time do we waste on petty arguments, ones that could've been easily avoided had we just chilled the f*ck out? If something isn't a life or death situation, how meaningful can it really be? Don't let grudges weigh you down and stress you out. The sooner you realise that anger hurts you more than the other person, the happier you will be.

Physically, young people have everything going for them, as they are in the best health they will ever be in, and their minds are sharp and clear. The issue is they lack clarity and patience. Someone who has experienced life has learned many valuable lessons. They now know how and what to do with all these different abilities, yet they lack the body to do so.

“If I knew then what I know now, I’d be different, I would slow down.”

The young love to spend time on short-lived pleasures. As we mature, we realise there are lot of things that might have been more worthwhile. When we are young, we tend to take things for granted. We fail to recognise or enjoy the things that really matter in life, we don’t always take the chances that are in front of us.

We put things off and say that there will be time later for them. The more you procrastinate, the chances of you actually getting around to these activities decrease. You have to seize the opportunities as they come because you never know if you will ever get another chance.

The mistake many young people make is that they have the mindset, “I can't wait to get older.” The trick with that is you keep getting older. By not living in the present moment you are losing appreciation for it. You aren't appreciating what is right in front of you at that time. They need to chill out and just enjoy being young. You don't get to relive these years, so make them really count.

“When you are young (late-teens to early twenties, say), your old age seems impossibly far away. You are not yet aware of the way in which the lengths of the years shrink, relative to your entire lifespan, as you age. In terms of the psychological perception of the passage of time, the years pass more rapidly as you get older; the seasons become closer together; the birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases more frequent. Time literally seems to accelerate, and you become aware of the rapidly dwindling time frame you have in which to achieve your life goals.”

We also tend to live like we are immortal creatures. We speed in cars thinking that we are indestructible. The truth is just because you're young doesn’t mean you’re invincible. Accidents can and do happen, so as much as it is fun to act recklessly, you still must remain cautious. We falsely believe we will always have a time to achieve our goals and, as a result, tend to let opportunities slip from our hands.

Perhaps this can all be traced back to the inherent impulsivity of the generation. Regardless, think of how much your life would be different if you could travel back to your past self and offer this advice. When you look back at your past, you will realise all of the chances we didn't take and the experiences we missed out on. Stop living life with the naïve notion that there will always be enough time to get to these things tomorrow.

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Forget the Listicles: A Happy and Successful Relationship Depends On Just One Thing

“As the author Tom Robbins stated, 'When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for someone else to complete us.'
A happy life is built deliberately and with care, cherish the person you decide to spend your life with."                                                               - Susan

Forget the Listicles: A Happy and Successful Relationship Depends On Just One Thing

Couples who describe their relationships as happy, healthy or successful don't just get lucky. Nor do they keep a mantra of all the things the listicles tell them to do or not do.

Partners in happy relationships share an intent to have a strong relationship and they follow through that intention with their words and actions.

___

Beginning. Middle. End. That's it -- A shared intention or vision for the relationship and a commitment to making it happen together.

___

Where many people get stuck, and the thing that has people clamouring to read those 10 thing listicles, is that they aren't sure how to move their shared intention into action. It's likely that they are hoping for an easy fix. Couples in solid relationships know it isn't easy, but this is how they do it:

Happy Couples Move Through the World with an Awareness of the Other Person.

Partners in healthy relationships know that everyone comes to the table with needs and expectations. Those needs are known and respected, rather than argued, questioned or minimized. Partners move through the world with the awareness of what the other needs and they work to meet those needs when possible.

Since we began dating, my husband has always been the one who has needed more check-ins when we're apart. He likes a quick phone call or text when I am out and about. Me -- not so much. I'd prefer to catch up at the end of the day over dinner. However, he is a child of divorce and many times when he'd show up to his dad's house for their weekend visit, his dad would have forgotten that it was his weekend and that my husband was coming over. The sting from that childhood wound has created sensitivity for my husband where he feels like he's out of mind of out of my sight.

I could argue and belabour the point. I could call him "controlling," but I don't. While I wish he didn't have this insecurity, he does. I do my best to respect it and keep in touch, because I don't want him to feel forgotten about. I want him to know that his soft spots and vulnerabilities will be carefully kept with me.

Successful Couples Make Quality Time Together Non-Negotiable.

When couples commit to having healthy relationships, there's no such thing as "We gave up time together when we chose to have kids." Those in strong relationships don't allow work to become an excuse for lost time together, either. Rather, couples committed to caring for their relationship respect the obstacles and work to create moments or pockets of time for just them, even if a whole night uninterrupted is unrealistic.

This might mean that they set the alarm 15 minutes early so they can have coffee before the kids wake-up. It might mean that one visits the other at work for a cup of coffee. They might decide to decline a social invite so they can spend time together.

Couples who plan on staying together know that time together is important and they don't just give it away mindlessly. They recognise that life gets in the way and they may not have a lot of time together but they make the time they do have count.

Partners in Successful Relationships Know the Rules Apply to Them, Too.

Outside of our homes, when someone does something nice for us, we say "thank you". When we need a favour, we say "please". When we've been crabby for no reason, we apologise. Couples who are committed to making it work know that those same rules apply in their relationships, too--that they or their partners are not the exception to that rule.

Just because your partner knows "you don't mean it" doesn't mean you get to say it. Couples planning on being together for the long haul know this. They treat their partners with the same common courtesies that we extend to strangers. Even if "they should be doing the dishes", a simple thank you is often extended. Appreciation is said out loud so that partners feel seen and heard.

Physical Attention and Affection is Not Placed on the Back Burner.

Many people have written about how regular and consistent sex is important in relationships. We know, too, how hard that can be for long-term couples to navigate and negotiate. It's a sensitive topic that has to be respected and carefully kept. Successful couples don't have an easier time navigating this than anyone else. However, they are not put off by the challenge and they commit to keep talking about it.

Dry spells happen. Couples can have differing sex drives. Kids, work, stress, and health can all be factors that get in the way of regular and consistent affection and attention. The couples who are happier are the ones who don't accept this as answer but just keep working on it.

They give one another hugs. They still kiss. They sit close on the couch. They hold hands. They touch inside and outside of the bedroom to maintain that connection when the sex is good and when it's absent.

They Know There's No Such Thing as a 50/50 Relationship.

So many arguments can start with who's doing what, who's doing more, who's always, and who's never. Couples who want to stay happy get that there is no such thing as equal division of labour in a long term relationship. At times, someone will be pulling 40 percent of the weight and the other will pull 60 percent. At some point it will shift and someone may be pulling 90 percent when the other person can only get it together enough to manage 10 percent.

That's ok, though. Those times don't last and aren't permanent. It'll all even out in the end. Happy couples are aware of this and are mindful enough to make sure the other person gets a turn.

They Trust One Another's Good Intentions.

It's so easy to be mad and fly off the handle when we feel abandoned or not taken care of. When someone says something, does something, doesn't say or doesn't do something, we quickly create stories about their words and behaviours in our minds. When we're feeling mad or sad about what just happened, our instinct is often to go to the negative. She doesn't care about me. He only thinks about himself.

Couples committed to working it out take a breath and argue back to that inner voice. Maybe he didn't mean to forget to call when he knew he was going to be late. Maybe she was distracted when she said that. Strong couples recognise that a momentary lapse of intention or respect is not always a reflection of how their partner views the relationship. They keep this in mind, even when they are feeling hurt.

They Accept that Good Relationships Involve Work and are Committed to Doing it.

Few in this world just get lucky and have their happiness handed to them. Real happiness is a choice. Choosing to be happy in your relationship is a choice. Working at doing it better every day is a choice. The happy couples--the successful couples---they choose to be happy and they choose to do the work.

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‘Stranger Awareness’ – Don’t Let People Pretend They Know You!

The importance of having ‘stranger awareness’ – don’t let people pretend that they know you better than they do!

Sometimes I read stories from readers who are experiencing the drama that comes with trying to preserve a non-existent friendship with a stranger or who are feeling cut up over someone they didn’t actually know, or they are talking about a person with a level of familiarity that doesn’t reflect the true relationship, and I’m like one of those people shouting at the TV – “But they’re a stranger! That should be your first red flag!”

A stranger is someone you don’t know or who you’ve encountered but are not familiar with. The latter could also be deemed an acquaintance.

If you’ve forgotten about ‘stranger awareness’, it might be because:

• They’re offering something that you want or they appear to have the potential to do so.
• You have mutual friends or acquaintances hence you assume that they’re similar or trustworthy. This is determined to be ‘social proof’.
• You’re attracted to them – you make a dangerous correlation between attraction and knowledge that basically assumes that if the former exists then other qualities and characteristics must also exist.
• You’re worried about coming across as ‘rude’ if you act like you don’t know them. It’s that whole fear of having even basic boundaries and being too caught up in being ‘good’.
• One or both of you are moving too fast - Fast Forwarding.
• You’re under the influence of something at the time of meeting them.
• You’re influenced by their status. If they’re famous, respected, in a certain position etc, you may assume more than they are.
• They’re overfamiliar and instead of feeling wary, you feel flattered and match their behaviour so that it seems less odd.
• They’re charming, which is normally a precursor to major problems because charming people are slippery, using their ‘talents’ to disarm but not actually being in the possession of substance to let that speak for itself.
• You’re vulnerable. It’s the equivalent of being caught on the hop by the dodgy vacuum cleaner salesperson knocking on your door at a weak moment.
• There’s a sense of familiarity based on someone else in your life, not the actual stranger.

The reason why I teach my girls (4 and 6) about stranger awareness isn’t because I want to scare the crap out of them but because it’s an early lesson in boundaries. Being streetwise enough to recognise stranger situations and to also have clear differentiations between strangers, acquaintances and friends means that they respect their own boundaries and those of others. It’s the same for us adults.

When we’re overfamiliar or allow others to be, our awareness is impacted including overriding feelings of discomfort or signs that something isn’t right. If we take our time and don’t force a familiarity that isn’t there, others cannot do it with us either.

In these modern times, we have in a relatively short period of time (less than a decade), diluted the true meaning of ‘friendship’ and ‘relationships’ with our online activity. For self-preservation, it’s critical to maintain your relationship smarts and to also differentiate between and value your close relationships.

To know someone is to have developed a relationship with them, which needs time and experience. You can’t fake or force a knowledge you don’t have.

Experience over time yields knowledge.

If you mostly have assumptions, you don’t have knowledge regardless of how much time or experience you have with a person. This is why a relationship can end and you may be left feeling as if you didn’t really know your ex.

It’s also important to note that feeling as if you know someone isn’t the same as knowing them. Feelings aren’t facts.

You can also correspond with or have sex with a person for instance, but in reality you might only ‘know’ them in a certain capacity.

If you want to know a person, aside from having to put in time and have experience of them in a variety of situations, shrinking the number of assumptions by converting them into or replacing with facts is imperative.

When you have ‘stranger awareness’ and ultimately recognise that regardless of what has been said, thought, felt or done, that you’re strangers or at best acquaintances, this stops you from green lighting code amber and red issues. You will find it odd that somebody who you’re not as familiar with as say, an actual friend or family member, is making out like you’re on that level. You’ll find it odd that a stranger is trying to speed you with faux familiarity or be discomforted by the presence of code amber and red issues. You’ll also find it odd if you’re being overfamiliar.

When you’re familiar with a person:

• You’ve known them for a long time or you’ve encountered and dealt with them in a variety of situations over time.
• You have a close association with them.
• Your close association may be in a particular context, such as knowing them in a work capacity but not necessarily outside of that but what you know facilitates your relationship.
• There may be an intimacy that springs organically from shared experiences and knowledge.

When I’m around someone who I don’t know, regardless of whether they know people around me, I don’t know them so I don’t bowl in there like a bull in a china shop.

You can enjoy yourself around a stranger or acquaintance while anchored with your boundaries, sense of self and the knowledge that you are not yet familiar with each other. The latter piece of information should in itself moderate your thinking and behaviour plus you will look for cues and clues in your interactions that inform how you’re going to proceed.

It should go without saying but you’d be surprised how many of us end up ‘collecting’ people with this underlying belief: you don’t have to turn every stranger and acquaintance that you interact with or who shows some interest in you into a friend or relationship partner… Really.

Some people are not supposed to make into your Circle of Trust! Have some quality control and be discerning!

Pretending that you know someone more than you do is a means of creating faux intimacy and justifying your actions around them. This will only end up bringing you pain.

There’s also no way in hell that you should be stressing yourself out over a stranger or acquaintance and jumping through hoops. That’s a danger alert that raises the question: if you’ll do all of this for a stranger, what the hell would you do for someone that you do know? Don’t put question marks over your head.

When you’re around someone who is a stranger or acquaintance, you have to temper your thoughts and actions with, ‘I don’t know this person yet’; ‘I am getting to know this person’ and ‘It will take time to get to know him/her.’ This is no bad thing; it’s life.

Your thoughts?

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