How To Find Unconditional Love In A Divorce-Obsessed World

'When you find someone who loves you as you are, and you are able to love them as they are, it is an amazing experience. They may be different from you in many ways. They may view the world differently and have habits that you don’t share, but you can embrace these differences because they are part of this unique person you love'.   ........  Susan

How To Find Unconditional Love In A Divorce-Obsessed World

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It doesn't work for everyone... Will it work for you?

What does unconditional love REALLY mean, in this day and age? 

It means loving someone regardless of conditions.

In other words, someone who loves a person no matter what they do, say, think, feel, look like, act like, or believe.

Loving someone even if your needs of connection, certainty and significance aren't being met by them.

Unconditional love means no-strings-attached to the love you give. You may or may not receive love back because that's not part of the deal.

If you had to receive it back, that would be a condition. You love them without expecting anything at all in return.

How do you get unconditional love?

In order to get it you must be willing and able to give it as well. It's a two-way street.

The two-way street is not a condition, it is based more on personal growth and attraction.

Most people want unconditional love so they have certainty that the person they are with won't leave them because of things they do or say — but are rarely willing to give the same in return.

If this is you, your need for unconditional love already has conditions.

Most people don't realise they have to work for it, they just want to receive it.

The reason you have to be willing and able to give it is because then you will attract other people to you who are able to do the same.

The confidence you develop when you recognise you are a whole and complete human being (all by yourself) is the same confidence that is so attractive to other people with confidence—the only other ones who will be able to provide you with no-strings-attached love.

When you have this confidence, you will be able to give love without expecting anything in return.

• You won't get your feelings hurt if your guy doesn't do what you think he should do or say what you think he should say.
• You won’t need his approval or acceptance of you so that you feel validated as a worthy human being because you already do.
• You will feel connected to him even if he doesn’t call on time, doesn't invite you out on the weekend or forgets your birthday.
• You may be upset but your love for him won't change because of it.
• 
  

What's the point of unconditional love?

You may be wondering: "Then what would I need him for?"

That's just it.

You won't need him. You will want him and to be in a relationship with him out of desire.

Needing a relationship and wanting a relationship are two completely different things.

Most people feel they should be in a relationship to be whole or because society is rough on singles many times and alienates them or they feel uncomfortable and alienate themselves.

Some people pride themselves on giving unconditional love and tell people about it.

I'd venture a guess that them telling people about it is to gain acceptance and approval in which case the love they say they are giving is filling a need they have therefore is not unconditional.

Would these same people love the same way if they couldn't tell anyone about it?

What if you can't give unconditional love?

So, let's see if you're ready to give love unconditionally yet. There is no right or wrong answer; just an authentic awareness of where you stand that may take some pressure off of a need to find this elusive emotion or the key to how you can get it. 

Let's say you love someone because they have certain qualities you like or status or treat you in a certain way.

Ask yourself if you would feel the same way about them if they didn't have or do those things you like so much; the things that attracted you to them.

Most people who are being honest with themselves will say, "No."

If you said, "Yes," congratulations.

You are much closer to getting unconditional love from someone else than most people are. 

But if you said, "No," you’re in good company.

When we decide what we want in our lives and go after it, we have standards, and we hopefully also establish and enforce healthy personal boundaries around those standards.

This way, we don't hook up with someone who turns out to drag us down and wreck the plan we had for our lives?

Can our standards and plan change? Absolutely.

However, many people do fall into the trap of getting together with someone who lets their health go downhill or stops taking care of themselves within a few months.

This is common when someone who wants a relationship gets in shape simply to catch a mate and afterward, no longer feels the need to be diligent about staying healthy.

This, is self-centred and deceitful yet many people do it. It's a good example of someone falling for someone who isn't who they portrayed themselves to be.

I'm sure you've either been in that situation or know someone who has, right?

Here's an example of unconditional love: 

One of your core values is honouring your body and keeping in shape.

You are in a relationship with someone who becomes very overweight, smokes cigarettes and has no intention of changing their habits.

Physical health just isn’t one of their priorities like it is yours. You love them just the way they are—physically healthy or not.

Can you hope they see the light and want to get healthy at some point? Sure, but your love isn't dependent upon if they do or not.

Now that you know what getting unconditional love entails on your part, do you still want it? If so, you are going to be so excited with the confidence you'll develop in setting yourself up for this kind of love that most people will never experience.

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The Reactions That Can Make (or Break) a Relationship

By Sheiresa Ngo

Relationships require a delicate balance of love, respect, and admiration. Part of maintaining that balance is remaining aware of how you react during communication. You can choose a positive, negative, or neutral response, and punctuate those responses with verbal and non-verbal cues. You may not think very much about how you respond, but reactions can have a significant impact on the health of your relationship.

Predicting relationship failure

Psychologist John Gottman investigated the impact of seemingly innocent exchanges. He asserts these exchanges, which he calls bids, can more accurately predict the success or failure of a relationship than arguments. Gottman says these exchanges are more than words; they are emotional signals. The way you react to a bid or signal can make or break your relationship. You can either bid positively, negatively, or in a neutral manner (what Gottman refers to as bidding toward, against, or turning away). He found that the more often couples chose to bid toward, the less likely they were to divorce. Licensed Mental Health Counselor Zach Brittle gave this example:

To understand turning, you have to first understand bids. A bid is any gesture — verbal or nonverbal — for some sort of positive connection with your partner. Bids can be simple or complex and can represent a request for conversation, humor, affection, support, or simply for attention. Most are actually pretty easy to spot and respond to: “How do I look?” “Can you pass the guacamole?” “Will you help me change the bedspread?” Other bids are more complicated: “Want to go to yoga with me?” “Let’s learn how to play the guitar.” “Do you feel like fooling around?”

How you can improve your communication

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Gottman says a marriage can be a success if a couple learns to balance their negative and positive feelings about each other, rather than letting negative thoughts consume them:

What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage. … The more emotionally intelligent a couple — the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage — the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after.

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman outlines seven key principles that can help a couple grow closer and stay together:

1. Enhance your love maps

A love map is what Gottman calls the part of your brain that remembers the details of your partner’s likes and dislikes. He also refers to it as making cognitive room for your relationship. Gottman says it’s important to continue to keep note of what is important to your partner so that you can stay connected:

They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change. When she orders him a salad, she knows to ask for his dressing on the side. If she works late, he’ll tape her favorite TV show because he knows which one it is and when it’s on…They know each other’s goals in life, each other’s worries, each other’s hopes.

 2. Nurture fondness and admiration

Maintain a sense of awe and admiration for your partner. Always try to find something to love about him or her. Look for ways to remind yourself why you fell in love.

“If a couple still have a functioning fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable,” said Gottman. “Fondness and admiration are two of the most critical elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance…They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their Sound Relationship House intact and preventing betrayal.”

 3. Turn toward each other instead of away

Include your partner in your day-to-day life. Learn to relish the seemingly unimportant activities in life together. For example, instead of leaving your partner to watch the news alone, join him or her on the couch and just snuggle in each other’s arms. Gottman says this is essential to forming a connection:

Couples who engage in lots of such interaction tend to remain happy. What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting — they are human beings turning toward each other. Couples who do so are building mutual trust. Those who don’t are likely to lose their way.

4. Let your partner influence you

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Work together as a team and show respect for each other. Also learn to see both sides during an argument and master the art of compromise. Gottman emphasizes that for a relationship to thrive, a couple must form a partnership:

Accepting influence doesn’t mean never expressing negative emotions toward your partner…the problem comes when even mild dissatisfaction on the wife’s part is met by a barrage from her husband that, instead of toning down or at the most matching her degree of negativity (yelling back, complaining, etc.), goes beyond it.

5. Solve your solvable problems

Learn to work on issues in your marriage that can be easily solved. When you let problems fester, resentment will build over time. This can lead to the slow erosion of your relationship. Said Gottman, “Even making just a small and generic shift in the trajectory of your marriage can have a dramatic, positive effect over time. The catch, of course, is that you have to build on the change and keep it going. Improving your marriage is a kind of journey.”

6. Overcome gridlock

Take time to identify what is stalling progress in your relationship. Gottman asserts that gridlock occurs in a union when one has unfulfilled dreams. He says sometimes marriages hit a bump in the road when partners are not addressing or respecting each other’s life dreams.

“It’s natural to make the fundamental error of assuming that the distance and loneliness are all your partner’s fault. In truth, they are nobody’s fault. In order to break the pattern, you both need to admit playing some role (however slight at first),” advised Gottman.

7. Create shared meaning

Draw one another closer by creating your own rituals and special times that belong only to you. Create your own space separate from the hustle and bustle of this harsh world. Provide each other with a sense of comfort and safety. Upon coming home, you partner should feel there is no other place he or she would rather be.

View the original article here

Follow Sheiresa on Twitter @SheiresaNgo

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This is Why Silent Treatment Never Works

This is Why Silent Treatment Never Works

If you're suffering in silence - or because of it - your relationship may be more endangered than you realise, according to new research that shows those whose interactions include the 'silent treatment' can spell ruin for the future.

Although researchers say the cold shoulder is the most common way people deal with marital conflict, an analysis of 74 studies, based on more than 14,000 participants, shows that when one partner withdraws in silence or shuts down emotionally because of perceived demands by the other, the harm is both emotional and physical.

"The more this pattern emerges within your relationship, the greater the chances one or both partners experience heightened levels of anxiety or may use more aggressive forms of behaviour," says Paul Schrodt, a professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, who led the study published this spring in the journal Communication Monographs.

"Each partner sees the other person's behaviour as the start of a fight," he says. "If you go to him and ask why he's so withdrawn from his wife, it's because 'she's constantly nagging me and constantly asking a million questions.' If you ask her why she's making demands of him, it's because 'he doesn't tell me anything. I don't get the sense he cares about our relationship.' Each partner fails to see how their own behaviour is contributing to the pattern."

In much of the research, Schrodt says, the man tends to be more silent; but psychologist Les Parrott of Seattle says he has seen less of a breakdown along gender lines.

"I see plenty of men get demanding," he says.

It's that pattern, Schrodt says, that is so damaging, because it signals a serious sign of distress in the relationship. The research, which spanned from 1987 to 2011, wasn't specifically about the silent treatment; however, the silent treatment is part of a broader pattern that extends not just to romantic relationships but to parenting styles as well, which also were part of the research, he says.

Parrott, co-author of The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring you Closer, a book published in April, says the silent treatment is a very difficult pattern to break because it's such an ingrained behaviour.

"We learn this strategy very early on - just as little kids - to shut somebody out as a way to punish," Parrott says. "Many of us are prone to sulk or to pout, and that is an early form of giving somebody the silent treatment."

Parrott, a psychology professor at Seattle Pacific University, says nothing good comes from the silent treatment because it's "manipulative, disrespectful and not productive."

Schrodt's analysis found that couples who use such conflict behaviours experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication, which is also associated with divorce. And, he says, some of the studies found the effects were not just emotional but physiological, such as urinary, bowel or erectile dysfunction.

"Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause," Schrodt says. "Both partners see the other as the problem."

Parrott and Schrodt agree being aware of the destructive pattern can help resolve it.

"Conflict is inevitable, but how you manage it can make the difference," Parrott says.

How to break the pattern of the silent treatment...

- Become aware of what's really going on. The person making demands feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask: "Why am I behaving this way? How does my behaviour make my partner feel?"

- Avoid character assassination. It will do more damage to label your spouse as "selfish" or "rude."

- Use the word "I," because the more you use "you," the longer your squabble will last. You can say something like, "This is how I feel when you stop talking to me."

- Mutually agree to take a timeout. When the cycle emerges, both partners need to cool their heads and warm their hearts before engaging. And some people just need a bit of time to think before they speak.

- Genuinely apologise as soon as you are able.

Source: Les Parrott, psychologist at Seattle Pacific University; co-author of the 2014 book The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring you Closer.

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Twitter and Facebook are Bad for Your Love Life!

Twitter and Facebook are Bad for Your Love Life!

Arguments over social media platforms among romantic partners are damaging relationships, ending in negative outcomes like emotional and physical cheating, breakup and divorce, a significant research reveals. Individuals who are active Twitter users are far more likely to experience Twitter-related conflict with their romantic partners, researchers said.

‘I found it interesting that active Twitter users experienced conflict and negative relationship outcomes regardless of length of romantic relationship,’ said Russell Clayton, a doctoral student in University of Missouri’s school of journalism.  Couples who reported being in relatively new relationships experienced the same amount of conflict as those in longer relationships, he noted. In his study, Clayton surveyed 581 Twitter users of all ages.  (Read: 8 tips to develop more intimacy in your relationship)

Clayton asked participants questions about their Twitter use such as how often they login in to Twitter, tweet, scroll the Twitter newsfeed, send direct messages to others, and reply to followers.  Clayton also asked how much, if any, conflict arose between participants’ current or former partners as a result of Twitter use. He found that the more often a respondent reported being active on Twitter, the more likely they were to experience Twitter-related conflict with their partner.

‘The aim of this study was to examine whether my previous study that concluded that Facebook use predicted Facebook-related conflict – which then led to breakup and divorce – were consistent with Twitter,’ Clayton commented. In his previous research on Facebook, Clayton found that Facebook-related conflict and negative relationship outcomes were greater among couples in newer relationships of 36 months or less.  (Read:How can I get my sex drive back?)

If Twitter users are experiencing Twitter-related conflict with their partner, Clayton recommends ‘couples of all ages limit their daily and weekly use of social networking sites to more healthy, reasonable levels’. According to him, although a number of variables can contribute to relationship infidelity and separation, social networking site usage such as Twitter and Facebook use can be damaging to relationships. Cut back to moderate, healthy levels of Twitter use if you are experiencing Twitter or Facebook-related conflict, he advised in the study published in the journal Cyberpsychology,Behavior, and Social Networking.

View the original article here

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Is Equality in Marriage a Sexual Turn-Off?

Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb's NY Times Magazine article, "Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?" shares sociological studies examining “Egalitarianism, Housework and Sexual Frequency in Marriage,” which posit that as couples become equal breadwinners and caregivers, the satisfaction they gain from sharing the chores is somehow dampening their desire for each other.  One study claims: “The less gender differentiation, the less sexual desire.” In other words, in an attempt to be gender-neutral, we may have become gender-neutered."  Is she right?

If a man helps me fold the sheets, does that negate his manhood?  Nonsense.

Here is the, ahem, thrust of Gottlieb's argument:

Marriage is hardly known for being an aphrodisiac, of course, but [this is] referring to a particularly modern state of marital affairs. Today, according to census data, in 64 percent of U.S. marriages with children under 18, both husband and wife work. There’s more gender-fluidity when it comes to who brings in the money, who does the laundry and dishes, who drives the car pool and braids the kids’ hair, even who owns the home. A vast majority of adults under 30 in this country say that this is a good thing, according to a Pew Research Center survey: They aspire to what’s known in the social sciences as an egalitarian marriage, meaning that both spouses work and take care of the house and that the relationship is built on equal power, shared interests and friendship. But the very qualities that lead to greater emotional satisfaction in peer marriages, as one sociologist calls them, may be having an unexpectedly negative impact on these couples’ sex lives.

The "Egalitarian" study found that "if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming — the kinds of things many women say they want their husbands to do — then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car."

Image: Eric Chan via Flickr

Ok. So did a couple of guys who were frustrated with being asked to do the dishes get together and come up with this one?  And do we know the "1.5" number didn't have other mitigating factors attached to it?

As to what duties are an aphrodisiac, if one requires the performance of certain chores to turn you on, might I suggest gardening – all that digging around in the dirt with a trowel might be a little more primal…

So if a wife just sees her husband totin' that barge and liftin' that bale, he'll automatically become sexier?

He'll be sweatier, that's for sure.

Not every man with his shirt off looks like Ryan Reynolds splitting logs in the front yard.

Ms. Gottlieb admits that "correlations don’t establish causation, and especially when it comes to sex, there’s always a risk of reporting bias and selective sampling, not to mention the mood of a subject at the time of the survey."  i.e., "was the wife standing in front of garbage that had not been taken out."

The quoted study was published last year, but uses data compiled in the 1990s.  While attitudes have changed in 20 years, Gottlieb maintains her patients offered similar complaints, even though the sharing of child care and housework "makes a woman feel both closer to a man and happier with him."

Ms. Gottlieb shared that a female patient of hers wasn't turned on by her husband doing the ironing.

Ironing?  Hubba hubba!  I'm really turned on because it means I don’t have to do it.

If anyone wants to argue that ironing is woman's work, they ought to watch a military man iron his shirt.  Nobody irons or folds better than a man in uniform and I'd hardly argue any one of them are "feminized".

And by the way, our vacuum cleaner is heavy as hell so I appreciate it when my husband, who outweighs me by 90 pounds, schleps that thing around.  I find that mighty masculine.

Clearly, stereotypes are useless.  Isn't it also possible that in today's world, couples are working so hard to put the roof over their heads, take care of the kids, and/or an elderly parent, walk the dog, fix the roof, etc., that they're just bloody exhausted.  We have also become phone monkeys with entirely too much technology at our disposal that becomes a mindless balm and distraction from the day, encouraging ruts that are all too easy to get into.

To argue that a new division of labor in the home is causing men and women to somehow become homogenized and androgenous discounts the value of their happiness in the activities they share together.

Chopping salad in the kitchen with hubby is an excuse to flirt, razz one another and canoodle.  A lot more enticing a proposition than his sitting in the barc-a-lounger shouting 'bring me a beer, honey' while I stand in the kitchen cooking by myself – after we've both worked all day.  That's most definitely not an aphrodisiac.

Shared chores means the crap gets done faster, leaving a couple more time to go out and play.  Or stay in.  Besides which, unless a woman is preparing dinner in Victoria's Secret underoos, I doubt her doing classically "feminine" chores will drive her husband to distraction either, so I dispute that men and women maintaining stereotyped roles in the home is going to affect how they view each other sexually.

This study also indicates that men prioritize the erotic and women do not.  Say it with me:  Stereotype.   There are many factors, including perhaps a lack of communication or habits formed over a long union which are just as likely to cause the kind of bland erotic life on which Gottlieb reports.

Ms. Gottlieb also states the following:

Is the trade-off of egalitarian marriage necessarily less sexual heat? It’s possible that the sexual scripts we currently follow will evolve along with our marital arrangements so that sameness becomes sexy. Regardless, more people marrying today are choosing egalitarian setups for the many other benefits they offer. If every sexual era is unhappy in its own way, it may be that we will begin to think of the challenges of egalitarian marriages less as drawbacks and more like, well, life, with its inherent limitations on how exciting any particular aspect can be.

I would also disagree that being equal partners in marriage means you are turning into mirror images of each other.  I don't see drawbacks, but much greater fulfillment for both.  Equal partners experience less stress knowing the weight is carried on both their shoulders.  Equality does not equal "sameness."  In a comfortable, healthy relationship, partners are allowed flexible roles.  In any marriage, one person may be stronger at a certain task, though one partner pinch hitting for the other when needed is much appreciated.  No two people can maintain a successful union if they are each trapped into wearing the same hat all the time.

She also notes that "American couples who share breadwinning and household duties are less likely to divorce."  If some couples still have typical ideas of masculinity and femininity, cannot there be a differentiation between the romantic and the practical?

The studies Ms. Gottlieb cites argue that much is lost if couples are not able to maintain a "me Tarzan, you Jane" posture.  I would argue that the decision to offer each other that permission (or any fantasy you can name) is still plenty available.  Whether or not their relationship will support it has nothing to do with who is doing the laundry.

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Sex Good For Blissful Marriage —Expert

With soaring rate of divorce globally, a United States-based relationship expert, Nathan Feiles, has reeled out various ways to keep relationships intact, listing sex as a very important factor in this regard.

According to Feiles, sex is as important to a relationship as it is to the partner who wants it most.

“It doesn’t mean that the less-sexual partner needs to perform every time the other is in the mood.

“However, unless the more sexual partner is willingly prepared to not have sex, he or she will likely either get it somewhere else, or your relationship will begin to be chiseled at by sexual frustration and it takes only one partner’s sexual frustration for this to happen,” he warned

He advised that there should therefore be a kind of compromise between two people in any relationship

“It doesn’t just mean that if the more-driven partner is in the mood ten times that the less-driven has to perform five times; it can involve compromises on the type of sex, or involving fantasies of different types as part of this compromise.

“The less-driven needs to be able to opt out at times, and the more-driven needs to have some satisfaction at times, too,” he added.

Feiles also said one of the best ways to understand that there is a problem in a relationship is when there is continued lack of interest in sex with one’s partner.

The relationship expert further urged couples to worry more about their relationships than concentrate more on other peoples.

He advised people to always remember that no one is perfect and that as a result, they should engage themselves with people whose flaws they could manage considerably.

Another way to maintain a relationship, according to him, is for the couples to always do things together. This includes eating, strolling and sometimes, night out.

He noted that sometimes, argument occur in a relationship but that “the only way out of an argument is to realise you’re in one, and then to stop.

“This doesn’t mean to stonewall your partner, which is a passive-aggressive behavior. Let them know that you want to take a break, and give your partner the last word so it’s more likely they’ll give you that break. You can always return to the conversation later when the emotions have cooled.

“Listen to your partner. People don’t like the things they say to fall on deaf ears. So when your partner speaks to you, listen.”

View the original article here

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