Showing posts with label relationshipadvice. Show all posts

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

How To Find Unconditional Love In A Divorce-Obsessed World

'When you find someone who loves you as you are, and you are able to love them as they are, it is an amazing experience. They may be different from you in many ways. They may view the world differently and have habits that you don’t share, but you can embrace these differences because they are part of this unique person you love'. ........ Susan

How To Find Unconditional Love In A Divorce-Obsessed World

Pixels

It doesn't work for everyone... Will it work for you?

What does unconditional love REALLY mean, in this day and age?

It means loving someone regardless of conditions.

In other words, someone who loves a person no matter what they do, say, think, feel, look like, act like, or believe.

Loving someone even if your needs of connection, certainty and significance aren't being met by them.

Unconditional love means no-strings-attached to the love you give. You may or may not receive love back because that's not part of the deal.

If you had to receive it back, that would be a condition. You love them without expecting anything at all in return.

How do you get unconditional love?

In order to get it you must be willing and able to give it as well. It's a two-way street.

The two-way street is not a condition, it is based more on personal growth and attraction.

Most people want unconditional love so they have certainty that the person they are with won't leave them because of things they do or say — but are rarely willing to give the same in return.

If this is you, your need for unconditional love already has conditions.

Most people don't realise they have to work for it, they just want to receive it.

The reason you have to be willing and able to give it is because then you will attract other people to you who are able to do the same.

The confidence you develop when you recognise you are a whole and complete human being (all by yourself) is the same confidence that is so attractive to other people with confidence—the only other ones who will be able to provide you with no-strings-attached love.

When you have this confidence, you will be able to give love without expecting anything in return.

You won't get your feelings hurt if your guy doesn't do what you think he should do or say what you think he should say.
You won’t need his approval or acceptance of you so that you feel validated as a worthy human being because you already do.
You will feel connected to him even if he doesn’t call on time, doesn't invite you out on the weekend or forgets your birthday.
You may be upset but your love for him won't change because of it.

What's the point of unconditional love?

You may be wondering: "Then what would I need him for?"

That's just it.

You won't need him. You will want him and to be in a relationship with him out of desire.

Needing a relationship and wanting a relationship are two completely different things.

Most people feel they should be in a relationship to be whole or because society is rough on singles many times and alienates them or they feel uncomfortable and alienate themselves.

Some people pride themselves on giving unconditional love and tell people about it.

I'd venture a guess that them telling people about it is to gain acceptance and approval in which case the love they say they are giving is filling a need they have therefore is not unconditional.

Would these same people love the same way if they couldn't tell anyone about it?

What if you can't give unconditional love?

So, let's see if you're ready to give love unconditionally yet. There is no right or wrong answer; just an authentic awareness of where you stand that may take some pressure off of a need to find this elusive emotion or the key to how you can get it.

Let's say you love someone because they have certain qualities you like or status or treat you in a certain way.

Ask yourself if you would feel the same way about them if they didn't have or do those things you like so much; the things that attracted you to them.

Most people who are being honest with themselves will say, "No."

If you said, "Yes," congratulations.

You are much closer to getting unconditional love from someone else than most people are.

But if you said, "No," you’re in good company.

When we decide what we want in our lives and go after it, we have standards, and we hopefully also establish and enforce healthy personal boundaries around those standards.

This way, we don't hook up with someone who turns out to drag us down and wreck the plan we had for our lives?

Can our standards and plan change? Absolutely.

However, many people do fall into the trap of getting together with someone who lets their health go downhill or stops taking care of themselves within a few months.

This is common when someone who wants a relationship gets in shape simply to catch a mate and afterward, no longer feels the need to be diligent about staying healthy.

This, is self-centred and deceitful yet many people do it. It's a good example of someone falling for someone who isn't who they portrayed themselves to be.

I'm sure you've either been in that situation or know someone who has, right?

Here's an example of unconditional love:

One of your core values is honouring your body and keeping in shape.

You are in a relationship with someone who becomes very overweight, smokes cigarettes and has no intention of changing their habits.

Physical health just isn’t one of their priorities like it is yours. You love them just the way they are—physically healthy or not.

Can you hope they see the light and want to get healthy at some point? Sure, but your love isn't dependent upon if they do or not.

Now that you know what getting unconditional love entails on your part, do you still want it? If so, you are going to be so excited with the confidence you'll develop in setting yourself up for this kind of love that most people will never experience.

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Wednesday, 18 January 2017

10 Signs The Honeymoon Stage of Your Relationship is Over

There is a sense of loss when you look back on how intense a relationship is at the beginning, when the need to be in each others company is president and seeing the eyes of your partner light up each time you see each other. One cannot put words to the feelings one gets from being made to feel "special". ........... Susan

10 Signs The Honeymoon Stage of Your Relationship is Over

Worrying that your relationship is suffering from the demise of the honeymoon stage? Don’t worry, your relationship may just get better with age!

There is no hard and fast rule about how long the honeymoon period lasts. It could be a couple of months, it could be a couple of years. However, there is no dispute as to what exactly it is. It is that sickly sweet period of time at the beginning of a relationship where you can’t keep two people off each other.

They are so utterly and disgustingly in love that they can’t spend any time apart and can’t see the merest fault in the other. You could tell them that their other half is a serial killer, and they’d still find it endearing!

The end of times

It can come as a bit of a shock to the couple in question then, when they have been so firmly ensconced in this manner, to witness that loving feeling begin to fade. And when it begins to fade, it does so at an exponential rate. But it certainly isn’t all doom and gloom. Yes, the “being in love” part of the relationship may be dwindling, but that’s when the actual “loving” part of the relationship starts to come to the fore in its place.

Why you shouldn’t be scared when the honeymoon stage ends

The following list describes some of those signs that the honeymoon period is indeed coming to an end, but more importantly, also explains what these signs mean in the broader context of your relationship as whole – and how they can actually be a good thing.

#1 Having a gas. Okay, the example of farting in front of each other might be at the cruder end of the personal habit spectrum, but it nonetheless makes a good point. The fact is that there comes a point in a relationship when you stop holding it in.

Whereas previously, you would have suffered stomach cramps with heroic endurance in a desperate bid to keep your good standing, trying to impress eventually has less importance. And that’s a good thing. It shows that not only do you feel comfortable with each other, but that you are at last comfortable with yourselves. Enjoy the freedom!

#2 All hung up. Do you remember when you were constantly on the phone to each other, and in those brief moments that you weren’t, the popping tones of newly arrived text messages were constant? Well, that may have slowed down to a point where you’re both communicating with each other at a far slower rate – at normal punctuations in the daytime routine.

This isn’t something that particularly needs to be mourned, however. All it means is that the desperate need to remind the other of your presence is no longer quite so insistent. And let’s face it, you’re probably being far more productive now that you’re not on the phone 24 hours a day.

#3 Playing it down. It is likely the case, when the honeymoon period starts to fade off into normality, that you don’t quite take the same level of care of yourself and your appearance. Not that it’s acceptable to start showering with a can and wearing the same pair of underwear for a week at a time. That’s foul in any circumstances.

Maybe the three-hour-long meticulous grooming campaign you used to ensure upon has suffered somewhat. And that’s not a bad thing, as long as you make at least some effort in the presence of your significant other. It’s time to start being comfortable with yourself and your partner and enjoying the real boons of true love.

#4 Honesty is the best policy. I doubt there’s anyone who hasn’t been in the situation where they’ve tried a little bit too hard to impress a potential partner during the early stages of the relationship – pretending you love Vietnamese food, for example, because it’s one of their favourites when you actually abhor it. That’s all fine and well for a few months or so, but do you really want to maintain that pretence for the rest of your born days? Of course not.

Loving someone rather than being in love with them means you finally get to explain your likes, wants, and needs without any trepidation or hesitation. Yes, that might mean the honeymoon stage’s over – but I’d say that was a pretty fair trade. Wouldn’t you?

#5 Happy is as happy does. Of course, you don’t want to give off any negative vibes when you’re in the honeymoon period. You suck up any misadventures in your current life story, get on with things, and put on a brave face. But this is where true love, fostered over a period of time, kicks the whole honeymoon period thing into touch. Sharing is a very important part of love, and the whole act of being able to admit to unhappiness, and helping/being helped through it is what love is all about.

#6 Save the tales. That whole thing that you do during the honeymoon period where you’re constantly trying to impress the apple of your eye with tales of how wonderful you are, well, that can stop now. If they love you, they’ll love you for who you are, and this is one ending to the honeymoon period that pretty much everyone is probably happy about.

#7 PDA oblivion. A dead giveaway as to the demise of the honeymoon stage in your relationship is the sudden absence of public displays of affection. This can be a point of contention if one of the couple has a particular penchant or need for PDAs, and it’s something that easily be righted.

But if it’s entirely mutual, then there’s nothing to worry about. Just accept that things have moved on, and as you’ve become more comfortable with each other, that need to advertise your togetherness is less pressing. Not a bad thing at all.

#8 Those three little words. You know which three I mean – if not, then you’re reading the wrong article! Okay, post-honeymoon period, these words might get said less, but this isn’t necessarily anything to worry about. It could just mean that you are both secure in what you have together. If this is the case, then congratulations are far more in order than the opposite.

#9 Taking it easy. Quite simply, all those months of being constantly on edge and being over-aware of how you should be presenting yourself are a thing of the past. You might worry that the absence of a constant need to make the best impression signals the end of a glorious period, but isn’t it better to relax in a comfort zone with someone who knows and loves you than pretend to be something you’re not?

#10 Singular pleasures. The key to a happy and fulfilling relationship is to not only nurture it, but also to nurture yourself. With the honeymoon period out of the way, along with that desperate need to exist only for your significant other, you can start tending to yourself again in order to ensure that you can contribute to the relationship as a healthy and strong individual.

The end of the honeymoon stage, as you can see from the list above, only signals the beginning of a new phase in the relationship – not its end. Enjoy the progression and give yourself a pat on the back for successfully getting through to the next stages of the relationship game.

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Sunday, 14 February 2016

How Love Happens in Your Brain

"Yes, that’s right, limerence and love have a great deal in common with cocaine and heroin. Well I know what addiction I would rather go for!" - Susan

How Love Happens in You Brain

All you can do is daydream about your love constantly and want to be with them. Euphoria. Non-stop, super human energy. Sleep? Who needs sleep?

According to research, those intense, in-love feelings are due to highly complex, pretty unromantic chemical, cognitive, and goal directed brain processes involving over 12 areas of the brain working together to produce the magic. Physically speaking, love happens in your brain, not your heart. According to the study "The neuron-imaging of Love," love activates the same brain regions that are involved when people use euphoria inducing drugs. In your brain, being in love is similar to a cocaine high.

The brains of people in the grips of a hot and heavy, new romance are bathed with increased dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and vasopressin, which results in the classic swoon symptoms. The highest levels are seen in men and women who have just fallen in love, compared to those who have been in longer relationships.

A study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans found that love activates the brain's reward system in the same way as cocaine or nicotine. Being in-love is a goal-oriented motivational state, and upon rejection, the in-love neuron are still compelled to seek their reward, the lost love, resulting in that awful longing when it's over.

Heartbreak and physical pain are actually rooted in the same regions of the brain. Love really does hurt. For this reason, it's been shown that taking aspirin really can help ease the pain of a break-up. The same study showed that the brains of people who have been rejected, weeks or even months after, were still addicted to love and go through withdrawal, just like with a drug. Over time, the rejected person's brain adapts by neural circuits re-wiring and chemical levels normalising.

It's generally accepted that romantic love is one of three primary brain systems that evolved in humans to drive reproduction to ensure the survival of the species. The sex drive developed to motivate people to seek out mating partners. Romantic love and attraction spurred humans to pursue a specific partner while attachment increased the likelihood of them staying together long enough to fulfil parenting responsibilities. Not very romantic when put that way. Research shows that romantic love and maternal love activate different areas of the brain. (I'll bet you could have guessed that one from experience.)

An experiment placed EEG sensors on the heads of the smitten to measure the electrical activity of their brains. When these people were just shown a picture of their loved one, activity spiked at a subconscious level within 200 milliseconds in one area of the brain. No wonder being in love can feel like you have been zapped by lightening!

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Monday, 4 January 2016

Dilated Pupils: 10 Messages My Eyes are Sending You

"The eyes are definitely windows to your emotions. Unless you have a flawless poker face, then chances are your eyes are going to give you away every time". - Susan

Dilated Pupils: 10 Messages My Eyes are Sending You

Dilated pupils can reveal how hard we’re thinking, how excited or disgusted we are and more…

Our pupils, the black holes which let light into the eyes, don’t just help us see, they also signal what’s going on in our minds.

Here are 10 pieces of psychological research which show how dilated pupils reveal many aspects of thought.

1. I’m thinking hard

Look into my eyes and ask me to name the cigar-smoking founder of psychoanalysis and you won’t see much change in my pupil size. The name Sigmund Freud comes easily to my lips.

But ask me to explain the laws of cricket and watch my dilated pupils.

That’s because research has shown that the harder your brain works, the more your pupils dilate. When Hess and Polt (1964) gave participants more and more difficult tasks to complete, their pupils got bigger and bigger.

.2. My brain is overloaded

Keep watching my eyes closely and you’ll spot the point when explaining the laws of cricket gets too much.

Poock (1973) reported that when participants’ minds were loaded to 125% of their capacity, their pupils constricted.

It’ll be trying to explain a googly that will do it. (Don’t ask).

3. I’m brain damaged

The reason doctors and paramedics flash a light in patients’ eyes is to check their brains are working normally (and because it’s such an easy test to do). They use the acronym PERRL: the Pupils should be Equal, Round and Reactive to Light.

If my brain is broken, say, because I’ve had a bump on the noggin, you won’t see PERRL. There may well be other extremely subtle clues, like the blood pouring from my head.

4. You’re holding my interest

Dilated pupils can also signal whether I’m interested in what you’re saying. White and Maltzman (1977) had participants listening to excerpts from three books: one was erotic, another involved mutilation while a third was neutral.

Their pupils widened at first for all three. But they only remained wide for the passages that were erotic or involved mutilation.

I’m likely to be interested in anything new, so my pupils will dilate a bit at first, but they’ll only stay dilated if I continue to be interested.

5. You’re turning me on

If things take a sexual turn then our eyes are also involved. Both men and women’s get dilated pupils when they are sexually aroused (e.g .Bernick et al., 1971).

However, not everyone agrees dilated pupils are a signal of sexual arousal. It tends to get tested by showing nude pictures to people and some argue that we’re just really interested in the nude form.

6. You disgust me

Just as I have dilated pupils when I’m interested or turned on, so they constrict when I’m disgusted.

Hess (1972) showed people pictures of injured children. First people’s pupils dilated because of the shock and then they constricted to try and avoid the troubling images.

7. Whether I’m liberal or conservative

Should you happen to be carrying around pictures of politicians you might be able to work out whether I’m a liberal or a conservative just from my pupil size.

Barlow (1969) showed people pictures of Lyndon Johnson, George Wallace and Martin Luther King, Jr.. The liberals’ pupils dilated when they saw fellow liberals Johnson and King but constricted when they saw conservative Wallace. Conservatives showed the opposite pattern.

8. I’m in pain

If you’ve had enough of this article now and want to cause me some pain in return, then why not stab me with a pencil? If you’re watching closely you’ll see my pupils dilate.

Chapman et al. (1999) fired small electric shocks into people’s fingertips and measured how much their pupils dilated. At maximum intensity the pupils dilated by about 0.2mm.

But that was only to a relatively tame current. Imagine what you could do to my pupils if you plugged me into the mains.

9. I’m on drugs

…and you can narrow down the type by looking at my pupils.

Some drugs, like alcohol and opioids cause the pupils to constrict. Others, like amphetamine, cocaine, LSD and mescaline cause dilated pupils.

Police officers know this and some use it as one way of checking if someone is off their face. They generally look for dilated pupils to either less than 3mm or dilated to more than 6.5mm (Richman et al. 2004).

10. My personality

This one is not strictly related to pupil dilation, but it’s too good to leave out.

If you look closely at the coloured part of my eye, the iris, you might even get some clues as to my personality (Larsson et al., 2007).

Look closely for ‘crypts’ in my eyes (lines going away from the iris, labelled 1 above) and this suggests I’m a warm, tender-minded person. If you see furrows (labelled 3 above), then, watch out, I’m impulsive.

It seems that the same gene, Pax6, which affects part of the brain associated with approach-related behaviours (the left anterior cingulate cortex, if you really want to know) also induces tissue deficiencies in the iris.

Dilated pupils

As you’ll have noticed, the same pupil response can mean different things, although generally dilated pupils send a positive message and when they constrict it’s a negative one. But exactly what it means depends on the situation (and whether someone has turned on a light).

This is all good fun to know, but can we really detect these tiny changes in people’s pupil size?

According to an fMRI imaging study, change in pupil size may be difficult for us to notice consciously, but we do seem to pick up on these very small changes unconsciously (Demos et al., 2008).

So changes in pupil size may be experienced, along with other verbal and nonverbal signals, as a gut instinct to either approach someone or run like hell.

Whether or not the eyes are windows to the soul, the pupils are certainly windows to the mind.

Image credits: maryaben & Larsson et al. (2007)

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Sunday, 29 November 2015

If You Have To Force It, You're Not In The Right Relationship

"All relationships go through highs and lows its only natural, and if at the low points you still look forward to seeing your partner at the end of the day then you know its worth working through. Relationships like life don't come easy, your get out of it what you put in." - Susan

If You Have To Force It, You're Not In The Right Relationship

When it’s head versus heart, nobody wins.

Relationships are hard work. That's what they always tell us, right? But they never tell you what "work" is, and how much is reasonable before it's just a bad relationship. )Seems like a pretty important piece of information to leave out.)

When your relationship hits a rough patch, it makes you wonder if this is one of those moments you're supposed to "work" through, or a sign that it was never going to work in the first place.

When happy couples look back through the history of their relationship, there are inevitably obstacles along the way that could have ended them. Basically: How do you tell the difference between an obstacle and a red flag?

It's actually pretty easy, even if it isn't all that obvious: Just listen to your heart.

I know, I know. You're saying, "You just replaced one vague platitude with another!" The difference is, I'm going to explain mine.

The difference between an obstacle and a red flag is whether you feel that person is worth whatever struggle you're going through. And your heart will tell you in an instant.

The moment you have to "will" your way through a relationship challenge is the moment you should begin examining if you really want to be in that relationship. That's because when you have someone who's truly worth it, whether or not you're going to fight through that struggle is never truly in question.

It might suck for awhile, but you never doubt that it's worth it. You don't have to force it. In other words, your brain doesn't have to convince your heart.

Now reverse the hypothetical situation. You really want to fight for your relationship, but your head is telling you it's not the smart thing to do. Maybe it goes against relationship advice you've read or your friends are telling you to cut and run.

The truth is, the heart wants what it wants, and it doesn't always make logical sense.

So if you find yourself in this situation in the future, unsure if a relationship challenge is a temporary obstacle or a sign you should break it off, just ask yourself one question: Is it my head or my heart that isn't in it?

Let your heart lead the way.

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Friday, 23 October 2015

Sorry, But I'm NOT Sorry That My Fat Body Offends You

"Stay fit and healthy, but most importantly be proud of the body that you wear".
- Susan

Sorry, But I'm NOT Sorry That My Fat Body Offends You

Project your endless disappointments into the mirror, which is where I'm quite sure it all starts.

I'm one of those folks who has the "tendency." Meaning that somewhere beneath this sleek façade of semi-chubbiness, there's a true fatty waiting to let loose on the world, wobbles and all.

Oh, there are many like me in the world, and life with us is all about fluctuation. Now, when I say fluctuation, you probably imagine I'm talking about gaining and losing pounds. But that's not what I mean.

What I really mean by fluctuation is that our sense of caring what we look like goes on and off. The kicker is that, the older we get, the less we care.

This is where I have to get off the "we" thing and go right back to the singular "me" thing, as I don't want to get in trouble by pretending I know what anyone else on the planet does or thinks, especially when it comes to weight, eating, dieting, and self-image.

When you're a semi-to-full-on fatty, you bounce between being very sensitive on the subject of weight to being an iron wall of apathy. And when I'm in a particularly apathetic state of mind, I'm actually in a place of great self-esteem.

That's the funny part. When I don't show drastic and obsessive concern for what my weight actually looks like to others, I'm at my happiest.

Those are the moments when my own personal happiness conflicts with the judgments of those who aren't me, which constitutes every person on Earth, I suppose.

For example, I walked into my mother's house the other day after having not seen her in a year or so. After a round of affection, she, in her skinny-bodied way, says, "So, still on that diet?" (Cue trombone music for failure.)

Clearly, I didn't have an answer for this, due to the fact that I'm shocked that my size still concerns her.

I could've said, "No. No more dieting," and heard the molecules of her disappointment start to gather into a barely hidden smirk. Or I could've said, "Yes," and watched those very same molecules gather into the same smirk.

Either way, if I didn't manage to somehow turn into someone I've never been and never will be, I always merit the same response, which essentially says, "Your weight is disturbing my world."

So, I said, "Is my fat ruining your day again, Mom? Because I must tell you, if my fat has to go to war with your judgment, it's going to end in a stalemate, 'cause my fat isn't going away too soon. And from what I can see, neither is your judgment."

The weird thing is, by fat standards, I'm not even there. But I'm just chubby enough to inconvenience the lives of people like my mother.

She, a naturally slender beauty, could never quite accept me as a not naturally slender beauty. But it's not just her — there's a conveyor belt of disapproving people just waiting to tear ol' fatty down. At least my mom is honest about her disgust over my body.

What makes me wail with laughter is when someone pulls the "I'm concerned for your health," routine. Oh god, please! What's the concern about? Is that how you make it OK to disapprove — by putting the stamp of concern on top of your inability to live and let live?

Where do you go with that concern if I tell you I'm as healthy as a horse? Do you start praying for diabetes to kick in so you can finally say, "I told you so"?

Back off, man. This is what I'm working with.

I remember a time when I'd just given birth to my glorious and perfect baby girl. My little newborn was all snuggled on my chest and I was rocking her. It was summer and I was dressed in a cute little sun dress, reclining on a porch.

My dad beamed at the baby and said to me, while looking at my legs, "But what are you going to do about those?" Those? You mean my legs? What should I DO about them? Cut them off? Trade them in? Rent new ones until I can afford a permanent pair of acceptable ones? WHAT?

And I remember thinking that all that I am, all I do, all I create, the good person I am, the talented artist I am, the BABY I just created — all of this takes a backseat to the fact that my legs aren't nice looking and my dad looks like he's going to puke at the sight of them. Wow.

I told this story to my mother the other day, during the "Are you still on that diet?" visit, and she stared at me in horror, as if she'd just heard the most disgusting thing she'd ever heard. I just looked at her in her pressurized innocence and internally giggled over just how blind people are to their own destructive behavior.

How many times had I heard her call me "fat ass"? There isn't even a number that's high enough. Had she forgotten — or did she simply give herself over to a lie that had her believing she was always a staunch supporter of her daughter's less-than-perfect image?

My fat has been ruining people's days for decades now, most especially my parents. I always wonder what kind of person I would've turned out to be had I been told I was perfect "as is," instead of never physically good enough.

Because the funny thing is, I've always loved myself, but I've never loved the way I look.

I have a lovely working relationship with this ol' bod-o-mine. She's fabulous, this chubby chick I live inside. She got me through cancer and chemo; she got me through childbirth; her hands do these wonderful things with art, and her brain is just outstanding. She even looks good to some people. Not my parents, but some people.

And if I had the chance to do it all again with another body — a skinny body — I'd say no a thousand times and again.

Because this body is the house in which I live and experience my wonderful and amazing life — only this body, not a skinny one, not a model body, not a body with great legs. Just my body.

At the end of my visit, my mother said to me, "You look good. Your skin is great, you look young." And I said, "Do you know why I look young or why my skin looks great? It's because I'm chubby! My skin is full and youthful because I'm at my correct weight. If I lost the kind of weight you wish I'd lose, I'd look like a bag of skin and wrinkles. My flesh would be hanging off me and I'd look like an ancient relic. I look good, Mom, because I'm fat."

I'm just a chubby girl. If it ruins your day, move along. Next window. My caring what you think is no longer relevant to my own happiness or self-esteem.

So, please, can the concern, keep your diabetes dreams to yourself, and project your endless disappointments into the mirror, which is where I'm quite sure it all starts anyway.

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