There's An Online Dating 'Tipping Point,' According To A New Study

The rules of dating are not simple and finite -- they're complicated and constantly changing, especially when you factor in online dating. Now, a new study has unearthed yet another thing you could be getting wrong: Online daters can doom themselves to disappointment if they wait too long to meet prospective partners in person.

A new study published recently in the Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication describes an online dating "tipping point," when too much online communication before a first date causes a person to idealize someone they're interacting with prior to actually meeting them face to face. This, naturally, leads to a letdown upon meeting someone who doesn't match lofty expectations. That "tipping point" occurs after 17 to 23 days, according to the researchers, so you don't want to wait longer than that to pencil in a get-together.

Lead researcher Artemio Ramirez, Jr., Ph.D., an Associate Professor at the University of South Florida, had some personal inspiration for conducting the study: He met his wife on eHarmony in 2005.

"We actually met face-to-face within that 17- to 23-day window, where we say the impressions and idealizations are at that peak, the most positive level that they'll be prior to meeting face to face," Ramirez told The Huffington Post. "I'm saying this in retrospect, because I had no idea at the time."

If you wait too long to meet, you'll start making assumptions.

Ramirez and his colleagues were interested in looking into how people process information they read in online dating profiles, hypothesizing that most would make assumptions, fill in the blanks and elaborate on the limited, highly curated information they were given.

"For instance, if you say you have a great sense of humor, I start thinking: Not only do you have a great sense of humor, you have a great sense of humor the way that I think of sense of humor," Ramirez said. "There's a difference between the 'pull my finger' sense of humor versus the Monty Python sense of humor."

After conducting a national online survey of 433 online daters who had been on an in-person date within the last year, the researchers were able to support their hypothesis. They found that the longer people waited to meet an online match, the more likely they were to be disappointed when they finally met in person, an effect that was particularly seen after that "tipping point" period.

"That runs counter to what we're taught in face-to-face situations: You should get to know the person and learn a little bit about them," Ramirez said. "We're saying, 'Yes, getting to know them is good, but you're going to reach a point where you really should go meet them face to face, otherwise you're running the risk of thinking that this person is perfect, that they are The One.'"

Not to mention, people lie in their profiles all the time.

The people in Ramirez's sample reported that their disappointment often stemmed from their date not communicating in person the same way they communicated online. Perhaps their sense of humor was a bit different or their pictures didn't adequately represent them. Or maybe the person lied about something in their profile. Someone might claim they're 6 feet tall when they're 5 foot 6 or that they're avid rock climbers when they haven't scaled a wall since college. Hence, the disappointment.

"There's a learning curve in terms of being able to read between the lines on profiles," Ramirez said. "We want people to think positively of us."

Essentially, too much online interaction makes you think you know a person better, Ramirez said. Plus, even if someone isn't lying in their profile, people aren't the sum of their favorite books, movies and music, so there's only so much one can glean from such limited data. But since it's natural for online daters to read between the lines and assign additional characteristics to prospective partners, the "real" person that meets them on that first coffee or movie date may not live up to their expectations, particularly if they've had too much time to craft a "dream" version of the person.

That said, Ramirez cautioned against considering this "tipping point" a hard and fast guideline. He said it's just another thing to consider while navigating the intricate universe that is online dating.

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Build a Stronger Relationship: 10 Tips to Deepen Trust

Trust is the bedrock for building a strong relationship. However, lack of trust is one of the most common themes to surface in most relationships. If you are struggling with the issue of trust in your relationship below are some tips to help you develop greater trust with your partner.

Trust means that you have placed your confidence and faith in your partner, and that you expect honesty, integrity, loyalty, and respect to be at the center of your relationship. You also expect your partner to keep promises and confidences, and to stay with you when the going gets tough.

Your trust should always be earned; you should not give it to another lightly. When you first met your partner, you probably shared information that helped you to figure out whether or not he or she was “worthy” of your trust and of your heart. As you got to know your partner better, you most likely shared more vulnerable information about yourself, expecting that he or she would hold this most precious part of you in a place of safety and love. At some point, however, your wonderful partner may have either said or done something that triggered you and your trust was broken.

We are all inherently complex beings who bring our past experiences, hurts, fears and expectations into every new relationship we enter. Sometimes our woundedness spills over into our relationship and we lose our ability to feel safe in our relationship – regardless of whether or not our partner actually “deserved” our lack of trust.

If you would like to deepen the trust between you and your partner, please try these 10 tips:

Keep what your partner tells you within the confines of your relationship. Telling others what your partner has shared with you in confidence destroys trust.

Don’t rely on email, phone calls and texts to communicate with your partner. Spend time communicating face-to-face. Communicating in person will help each of you to build a greater sense of security as you become more open and vulnerable with one another.

Consider your partner’s interests. The more you do for him or her, the more he or she will know that they can count on you and that you have their best interests at heart. If your partner feels like they can count on you, it will make it much easier for them to share the more vulnerable parts of themselves with you.

Follow through with the little promises that you make. For example, if you say that you will call or be some place at a certain time, be sure that you do these things. Small actions matter toward helping you to build a strong foundation of trust.

Learn to apologize when you make a mistake or disappoint your partner. An authentic apology should be sincere and from the heart. To be truly meaningful, take responsibility for your actions and reassure your partner that you understand how your action impacted him or her.

As you learn more about your partner, allow yourself to share more personal information and history with him or her. Aim for balance between how much each of you shares, since trust is not built if only one person shares.

Spend time together doing things that make each of you happy. Since you are two different people, you will naturally like some different things. Being open to a new experience that your partner brings to you will build the bond between you and trust will follow.

Practice forgiveness when you are upset with your partner, and let go of a hurt after the two of you have talked it through. Receiving a sincere apology builds trust in an important way.

Take some time away from your partner to check in with yourself, and get some feedback from your trusted friends or relatives. By taking space and speaking with a trusted friend or relative, you may gain a new perspective about your relationship. For example, you may discover that you have been pushing aside information about your partner that tells you this person cannot be trusted. On the other hand, you may discover that your partner is ultimately worthy of your trust.

Trust can fluctuate over time as each of you experiences the bumps of life. Reassure each other that your love and safety are still intact. This will further strengthen the foundation of trust between the two of you.

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Monday, 27 October 2014