Should Asian Women Reveal their Sexual Past

"There does seem to be "double standards" amongst Asian men, but that can also be the case through many societies.  I think its best not to reveal all your past  at the start of any relationship, your past shouldn't matter, its the future thats important. So if in doubt about how your past might be received I would say: 'keep quiet".   -   Susan

Should Asian Women Reveal their Sexual Past

A group of British Asian friends were discussing marriage and expectations, when the question of sexual past of Asian women crept into the conversation.

Sameena, a business student, said:

“I think British Asian men find it hard to accept a woman who’s had past sexual relationships.”

“So, if you want to marry within your community it’s best not reveal your wild side.”

“I have to say I did not agree or believe this until I got married. I then realised it was best not tell him about my sexual past,” said Anita, a city banker.

Sameena, added:

“Why can’t Asian men accept women do have sex before marriage too?”

Sunny, a male lawyer said:

“As a guy I would say that it all depends on how many relationships she’s had.”

Reena, a student, said:

“See that’s exactly it! Why does it matter? If a man can have as many relationships as they want why can’t a woman? Why is the number a judgmental point?”

Manish, a young dentist, said:

“Women who reveal their sexual relationships like this can introduce doubt into the man’s mind about her fidelity. So, trust is tampered with even if she is just being up-front.”

Manoj, revealed his thoughts:

“I wouldn’t tell my future wife about my sexual past. I’d rather start fresh and not want to know her past.”

Sameena then highlighted a key point:

“The problem is an Asian guy can sleep around and do what he wants but he still wants the so called ‘virgin’ bride. He can’t cope with a woman who is sexually confident and independant.”

Reena, laughingly added:

“Imagine saying to him you want a threesome!”

They all laughed and conversation continued to debate the point.

This conversation triggers the question about the implications of an Asian woman revealing her sexual history.

Here are some Asian society and relationship challenges that could be affected by such a revelation.

Marriage Prospects

In a culture, where women who are divorced still find it hard to re-marry how does revealing a sexual past affect the chances of having a new trusting and happy relationship?

Most British Asian men and women would agree that dating does not necessarily mean it is going to lead to marriage. But if the during the date, she reveals her sexual past, does that impair her chances of marriage?

Asian men are often accused of having double standards. Because it’s okay for the guy to have had sex as he wants but not the woman.

If an Asian woman has had sexual relationships, the chances are she will be seen as ‘easy’ and not a contender for a serious relationship. Although she might have had less partners than the man!

She is perceived as the girl you would just date, have sexual fun with but definitely not introduce to the family for marriage.

The common trait of British Asian men having many sexual relationships with women but then finding a marriage partner from the homeland still happens.

But sex and porn are not as taboo as once upon a time in India, as our article on Porn and Indian Women unveils.

So, how does the Asian man cope with the homeland ‘bride’ who is sexually confident?

Although, this does not apply to all but for an Asian women looking at revealing her sexual history with marriage in mind, it is important to weigh up how it will be reflected upon on her and the future of a relationship.

If after knowing, the man decides to share the information with others, like family members, there is the huge danger of a tarnished reputation and family rejection.

Conditioning of Asian Men

Is it that the British Asian women who are educated, financially independent, strong-willed and also sexually confident are ‘scary’ for the Asian man?

According to the website badassyoungmen.com:

‘Men have been conditioned to believe that sex is a test of their skill in pleasing a woman but not of a woman’s skill in pleasing a man.’

This ‘conditioning’ most likely multiplied hundreds of times for Asian men and is automatically programmed into them culturally.

Asian Men are usually brought up to be ‘men’ culture wise and tend to follow family roots. Mostly in home environments where women play a very supportive but not lead role.

Therefore, an Asian woman revealing her sexual past can really challenge this ‘conditioning’.

Insecurities

Insecurities are a major reason why a relationship can be imbalanced.

For British Asians, insecurities can even be raised from a text message in a relationship.

Insecurity is dominated by fear in relationships. The fear of loss, not being good enough, being dumped for someone better and living in the ‘uncertain’.

Asian men can have insecurities which are mostly of a masculinity and status nature from not being physically strong enough to not having a big salary job to sexual competency.

So, if an Asian women reveals her sexual past then it’s possible that it could instigate insecurity issues in an Asian man.

Leading to secret sexual comparisons such as being better at sex than her ex(es), having a good body, being better endowed, giving better orgasms and so on.

So,  if she is not bothered or compares herself, it’s better she tells him before revealing her sexual history. Reassuring him that he is unique to her.

Jealousy

Jealousy also plays a huge role in Asian relationships. It can easily damage relationships through doubt.

From Innocent flirting to often talking about another guy at work or college can lead to huge rages of jealousy in Asian men. Even leading to suspicion and mistrust.

This happens vice-versa too but for Asian women to be doing it, it seems to be a bigger social issue.

Many Asian women would argue that they are doing nothing wrong and he has to accept that she can freely talk and be in the company of other men.

Completely acceptable in today’s society but not so easy to accept in the traditional Asian communities.

An Asian woman revealing her sexual past to a jealous partner will definitely lead to problems in the relationship, if not immediately, but later on, during arguments or misunderstandings.

One way to view it is, if as an Asian woman you are also the jealous type, then he surely will not be open to knowing about your sexual past.

Sexual Past Details

If an Asian woman reveals her sexual past then the amount of details she shares need attention.

As with any sexual information about a relationship, once you tell, it is likely you will get further questions from your partner. Because by nature, he will want to know as much as possible – so that he can weigh up what the past meant to you and if he is better.

This is where the decision to tell more or less can impact a relationship.

One rule is never to reveal intimacy in huge details. Especially, if an ex is around in some capacity. Otherwise, it will develop into huge suspicion that there is still something between you.

If the Asian woman tells lots about past sexual relationships, chances are whenever something goes wrong in the current relationship, he will begin to think you are cheating, that you are looking elsewhere or he is not good enough for you.

So, it is important to know what can be handled. Less is always more unless you are sure.

Overall, if you are in a respectful and balanced relationship where sex is easily discussed. Then, revealing your sexual past as an Asian woman should not hinder or affect the understanding and love you have as a couple and individuals.

Trust, respect, appreciation, understanding and not comparing the past to the present, are all attributes for a strong forward moving relationship. Sex plays an associative role in all of these. So, revealing any kind of sexual information must be fully assured by these.

However, if this is not the case, then it is important for the sake of the relationship you are are in or about to start like a marriage, that as an Asian woman you need to fully understand the implications of revealing your sexual past – for better or for worse.

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3 Signs You're Not Depressed — You're Just Surrounded By Assh*les

"Its nots always easy to run away from everything or everyone in your life that has a damaging effect on you.  But you can take control and deal with it in whatever way is good for you, by turning the negatives into positives. Try it, use the power you have inside of you".    -  Susan

3 Signs You're Not Depressed — You're Just Surrounded By Assh*les

Don't worry, it's not you.

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assh*les." —William Gibson

When I saw this quote on a friend's Facebook wall, I laughed out loud with delight and recognition. It hit me on a subconscious level. Why did I like it so much? I couldn't tell you. It even seemed wrong that I, a psychologist, would like the idea of blaming depression on others. And then there was the swearing bit.

But I did like it — a lot. Enough to share it on my Facebook wall. And others liked it — a lot. And I started asking myself, what is going on here?

People clearly related to this quote just like I did. I started thinking of my own life experience. How many times did the behaviour of others effect how I felt about myself? How many times did I have to leave relationships because of the damage they were doing to my self-esteem?

The different ways people can be assh*les are infinite. Here three top qualities for assh*le-ness that pop for me.

1. Assholes are happy in their stupidity.

And by stupid I don't mean unintelligent. Not being smart all the time can't be helped. No one can know everything about everything. I know nothing about fly-fishing except that it looks pretty when it's done right. Would I assume to teach someone, anyone, about fly-fishing? No. But that doesn't stop the assh*le.

The assh*le is deliberately, obtusely dumb and happy in their stupidity. Knowing nothing about fly-fishing doesn't stop them from lecturing you as if they were a prize-winning angler.

2.  Assholes are loud and obnoxious.

Can an assh*le be quiet and shy? Maybe, but not in my experience. Most a-holes aren't interested in the give and take of conversation. They monologue, take-over, shout, get into your personal space, and don't even realize they're doing it. Or maybe they do it on purpose to intimidate. Either way, not nice.

3. Assholes are selfish bullies.

Selfish is NOT the same a self-caring. The assh*le is self-centered in a way that's exclusive. The feelings, thoughts, input or contribution of others is minimized, cast aside, even ridiculed, in order to pump up their own sense of self-worth. It's sad really, if it didn't come with the stupidity and the loudness.

So why do assh*les make us feel depressed? If we're exposed repeatedly to assh*les, they can wear on our self-esteem.

Most of us are reared to be nice. Being nice means listening to others, sharing a conversation, pointing out the other person's good qualities, and reasonably expecting the other person to reciprocate. We respect others' opinions even if they aren't shared. We generally defer to authority. Nice people are slow to anger and tend to emphasise the positive (for everyone else, anyway).

Assh*les, however, make us feel like dopes for being nice. At first we might get angry, and if the assh*le is someone we only see once in a while we can be angry and get over it quickly. But if they're someone we see everyday at work or school, maintaining anger is very difficult.

Eventually, our self-esteem begins to erode leading to feelings of hopelessness, fatigue,sadness and depression. That's right: chronic emotional abuse can indeed lead to diagnosable depression.

Where do we find assh*oles? You can find them everywhere: at school, socially in your circle of friends, at church, at work and in the family. And here's what you can do about them:

1. Be honest with yourself. Give yourself permission to see the situation for what it is. Once you've identified that there's a person in your life who's harming you emotionally, you can begin the work of getting your self-esteem back.
2. Take action. Taking action is what's important. Even if you can't change the relationship because the assh*le is your brother, you can still take action.
3. Reduce your exposure. The action you choose to take may be to stop seeing that person, request a transfer to another office, or calling them less frequently. In extreme cases, you may decide you need to break up with them altogether.
4. Put into place healthy self-care strategies. That means keeping an eye on your sleep, eating and exercise habits. Spend time with people (and animals) you can count on that make you feel good about yourself.
5. Find a support system. Whether it's a therapist or a close friend, find someone who can help guide you through your assh*le recovery. If the damage done by assh*le exposure is deep, the journey to robust emotional health can be complicated. Be strong and get help.

Now that you know how to identify an assh*ole when you see them, it's time to pull yourself out of your feelings of depression and sadness, and live a life free of these toxic people.

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7 Dating Tips From the Recently Engaged

7 Dating Tips From the Recently Engaged

By LINDSAY TIGAR

One of my dearest friends in the world recently got engaged. When I found out her partner popped the question (in Italy, sigggh), my eyes welled up with those ever-so-happy tears and I couldn’t contain my excitement for her. It was one of those moments that I’ll never forget and one that, as a bridesmaid, I’ll remember when I see her walking down the aisle (in a dress I saw her try on!) in October. Her big day is special to me, obviously because she’s special to me, but also because she’s taught me so much about love.

Though we have very different dating histories — she met a wonderful man at 22 and dated him for four years before getting engaged and I’m one month into my first relationship since 2012 — we share one very important thing: we’re big suckers for love. And I mean love at it’s gooiest, most ridiculous, most amazing, most precious state. We savor the words, the sentiments, the gestures, the romance, and by being friends, we’ve been able to balance one another. I’m the rational to her irrational and she returns the favor when I go off the deep end too.

It’s always been an interesting dynamic asking her for dating advice when she never had the chance to play on Tinder or weed through bachelors in New York (I call her lucky, for the record, she calls me lucky for getting the experience). What I’ve learned from listening to her (even if I mentally roll my eyes from time-to-time) is that above all other things, and even in moments when it’s the hardest thing to believe in the whole wide world, love is out there. It’s big, it’s boundless, it’s magical. And it happens every damn day.

Whether or not you're not planning on getting married yourself, advice from those who put a ring on it or are wearing one can definitely come in handy in your love life. Here's the best love advice seven recently engaged folks have to offer:

1. Sparks Can Grow Over Time

"Never, ever discount the [person] who doesn't immediately give you sparks. The best relationship I've ever been in (with my fiancé) was a slow burn. Sparks come quickly but they fade just as quickly and they're flashy like fireworks so girls are drawn to them. But that's a mistake! Look for the [person] who gives you a slow and ever-increasing steady burn instead. Changing my mindset about this led me to the best partner of my life. -Andrea, engaged to Alexander since Valentine’s Day 2016 while on vacation. They met at a bar in Manhattan 3.5 years ago.

2. You Can Never Over Communicate

“Communicate often — and more than just text messages! Kyle and I were long distance for the first six months and fortunately we were able to see each other about every 3-4 weeks, but we didn't go a day without at least speaking on the phone. Also, get to know each other (like really get to know each other). Learn about each other's family, upbringing, friends, life pre-you, drinking habits, spending habits, etc. You'll be happy to know more about their life in the dating stage so you aren't surprised to learn things you dislike about them three years in.” — Hillary, engaged to Kyle on their second year anniversary on New Year’s Eve. They met through a mutual friend in Nashville 2.3 years ago.

3. Don’t Give Up

“No matter how many dates you go on or how often you feel like it’s not going to work out, just keep going. If every person was the ‘right person,’ than such a thing would never exist.” -Jenn, engaged to Dan since August 2015 in Italy. They met through mutual friends at a comedy show in New York four years ago.

4. Relationships Are Work

“First, understand that long-lasting relationships are hard work. The look for someone who understands that and will be willing to work with you through the good and the bad. Always consider the type of person you are least expected to date!” -Stephanie, engaged to Eric since 2015 while on a hike in California. They met through Stephanie’s ex-boyfriend 4.5 years ago.

5. Love Yourself First

“My best tip for single folks is to fall deeply in love with yourself first before you try to fall in love with anyone else. Have compassion for your own flaws and you will be able to become more empathetic for any partner you may have. Once you love yourself and know you're worth, you're more open and understanding of who has the ability to carry your heart with theirs. Self-love radiates from within, and is attractive to everyone.” -Michelle, engaged to Craig since Christmas Eve on 2015 while visiting the Blue Ridge Parkway. They met online four years ago.

6. Say What You Feel

“Don’t be afraid to voice when you are upset or think that something is wrong. If you can't talk about the hard things then you will never be able to build a lasting relationship." -Brad, engaged to Rachael since October 2015. They met online in 2011.

7. Be Confident

“Confidence is sexy and body language is everything. Stand up straight, don't cross your arms and let the chemistry flow naturally!” -Daphnie, engaged to Stuart since October 2015 at Signorello Vineyards in Napa. They met through a running club four years ago.

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READ: The Mating Game Is Changing —And You Won't Believe How

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The Mating Game Is Changing —And You Won't Believe How

" I believe that when a couple meet and the chemistry is there and the relationship is meant to be then everything clicks into place. Go with the now and the future will happen if its meant to. A  relationships should not be a tick off list, it should not be rushed, it should be enjoyed".  - Susan

  

The Mating Game Is Changing —And You Won't Believe How

For better?  For worse?  It depends on what you want

Yes, the mating game is changing. Dating is on the ropes. But more, the whole mating repertoire is shifting. Coyness is, well, not quite a crime (thank you, Andrew Marvell), but not a fashionable feint either, and certainly not an inherent attribute of females. And no, this has nothing to do with the Internet. It has to do with numbers. It turns out that they have changed a whole lot more than you might suspect, and probably without your awareness.

The way people match up varies according to how many partners they sense are available—no surprise there. And the number of men, and especially quality men, is declining relative to the number of women, especially for those of college age, when people are primed for pairing off, in the moment and as they march through post-college life. You’ve seen the headlines: Men are falling behind women by almost every measure there is—school completion rates, number of graduate degrees, labour force participation. It especially matters at college, where men and women are housed together in a more or less closed community. For every 60 women now at college, there are 40 men—that's 50 percent more women than men.

The gender ratio tends to be closer to 50-50 at highly selective schools—with an excess of applicants they can draw deeper into the pool to balance their classes. The gender mismatch at such schools is not one of numbers but, at some point, of quality. Complaints of college women that men “act like they’re in high school” or “don’t have it together” are not sour grapes or losers’ laments; they reflect a true and growing reality.

But what isn’t at all obvious is that the very desire to pair off—and especially on what terms—changes radically as one's number of possible mates changes, and in ways that are extremely counterintuitive. The surprise is that men are more apt to be single when men are rare than when men are abundant. They’re surrounded by potential partners but have little interest in committing to or marrying them.

When males are abundant (China, take note), on the other hand, they are especially eager to put considerable effort into finding a mate and settling down; marriage rates go up and crime rates go down. Conventional wisdom would have us believe all that testosterone on the loose would lead to mayhem, including lots of promiscuity and maybe rampant violence—you know, rape, pillage, and plunder.

Not so.

It’s when males are in short supply that men turn promiscuous and spawn babies out of wedlock, and male violence rages: Male-male homicide rates go up; so do sexual assault rates. Men muster little energy for finding a mate and, preferring casual sex, happily engage in multiple relationships, University of Utah anthropologist Ryan Schacht reports in a recent issue of Royal Society Open Science.

Schacht studied a homogenous population in southwestern Guyana whose members, in search of work, moved to several geographically dispersed communities that consequently varied naturally in gender composition. There, he observed, the sex roles and mating efforts of men and women were not tethered to biology but instead varied significantly depending on numbers of the opposite sex. Mating dynamics are mating dynamics, and the same dynamics, Schacht says, likely apply on college campuses—and in other populations where males are in short supply, such as older adult communities.

The findings, Schacht reports, “reject simplistic labeling of reproductive roles by gender based on inherent sex differences.” In fact, there’s evidence from many studies that testosterone levels—which prime males for mating competition, or something—vary tremendously based on situational factors. They dip significantly, for example, among new fathers.

Women  are not destined to be coy or passive in the mating game. When they are the more numerous sex, they engage in sometimes fierce competition among themselves for the few available mates. Exhibit A might be Schacht’s home base, Utah, dominated by the Mormon Church. Such is the nature of Mormonism that men are apt to leave it while women are more likely to convert to it, and stay Mormon. That gives the community a strongly female-heavy sex ratio. It also gives Utah a wildly disproportionate rate of plastic surgery procedures—with higher rates of breast implants, nose jobs, all kinds of facial surgery, and Botox injections, even among college students.

It’s not that Utahans are vain, as Forbes magazine has claimed: They’re lonely. And they want a romantic partner. So do women outside Utah—say, in colleges across America—and to have one, they may feel compelled to behave in ways they are not entirely comfortable with, such as hooking up.

This is what I found when I interviewed young women for a recent article, Crisis U, on the declining mental health of college students. Relationships were the leading cause of distress, and women were especially distressed over breakups, typically due to “commitment issues” among men. Further, at least some of what is being reported as rape stems from regret over drink-fuelled encounters devoid of emotional connection.

The distress also makes its presence felt in my email inbox. As Psychology Today’s advice columnist, I increasingly hear from young women who are dissatisfied with relationships that don’t even qualify as relationships. They meet a guy, he calls every couple of months, they spend a night or two together each time, and then they’re miserable because they’re emotionally attached to him and want more from him—for which he might even call them "needy" or "greedy," should they summon the courage to ask. 

It was in trying to understand this growing phenomenon that I turned to the literature for insight and discovered Schacht’s work. One of the novelties of his approach is to factor into research on mating what economists have known all along—that mating functions like a market in some ways, in response to the supply and demand of partners. Once he did, he found that those variations also change psychology.

“Relationship preferences and sexual behaviour of individuals are responsive to context,” Schacht says. “Men want fundamentally different things from relationships when males are rare than when they are abundant. The rare-male male is the stereotypical fling-seeking cad we expect him to be. However, the abundant-male male is the committed, devoted male from the age of Camelot.”

For the generation now coming of age—and for successive ones as long as males continue to fall behind—the dearth of good men at an important life juncture has repercussions for mental health. To name just one, success at dating and mating affects self-esteem.

With our egocentric bias, we think that everything in our life happens because of us individually, due to one characteristic or another, and, when we don’t get what we want, a characteristic that is in some way flawed. We probably seriously underestimate how much factors having nothing to do with us, but everything to do with our environment, including demographics, affect the shape of our lives.

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