18 Things You Wish You Could Ask On A First Date (But Can’t Because They’re Probably Inappropriate)

It’s our first date and I literally don’t care about your college major, or how long you've been in the city. I don’t care if you only drink aged whiskey or how lame you thought new Superman movie was. Please stop talking about your favourite hockey team and how it’s such a small world  because we both know so-and-so. Please, please, please stop rambling about any information I've already stalked on your Facebook and LinkedIn pages. Can’t we just skip all the bullshit small talk and have a real conversation. There’s some stuff I'm dying to know about you, but I'm not Nell. I wasn't raised in an isolated cabin, so I know better. But  here’s what questions you could answer that would make this happy hour a lot more valuable (for me, at least):

1. Are you actually looking for something serious, or will you jerk me around for a while?

2. Do you have mommy or daddy issues?

3. How important is hygiene to you?

4. Do you have a secret child?

5. How much money do you make?

6. Do you have any STIs that I could contract?

7. What age did your Dad go bald?

8. Can I take a picture of you to send to my friends?

9. Do you have any weird, sexual fetishes I should be aware of?

10. Can you lift up your shirt for a sec?

11. What are your biggest insecurities, and how many weeks until they come out and strain our relationship?

12. Would our children have any chance of developing a sixth toe?

13. Are you actually funny?

14. Are you one of those people that always has a stuffy nose?

15. You’ll eat junk food with me, right?

16. Can I see a picture of your ex-girlfriend?

17. Do you have a job waiting for you in North Dakota?

18. Do I really need to pretend to reach for my wallet at the end of this?

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