Friday, 11 April 2014

Dating is a Numbers Game

Dating is a Numbers Game

After you have gotten clear on the qualities you need in a partner, you must be accessible. Unless you want to date the pizza delivery guy or the female UPS employee, leaving the house is a necessity. Even if you prefer the ease of Internet sites, the at-home preparation requires an in-person meeting. My dear friend and client says, “Dating is a numbers game.”
The more people you meet, the more acute your focus. Each time you go out with another person, you automatically rack up information on your preferences. Also, you become more comfortable with the “meet and greet” process. No matter what style of dating you like, from a casual coffee date with low expectations to a formal dinner, each and every outing clarifies the qualities needed in your preferred partner.

I have a friend, now engaged, who dated voraciously. She had a basic outline of what she wanted. With that, she participated in numerous Internet sites and went out several times a week to meet new people. She approached dating, like a business. After 6 months she’d had a few involvements and a lot more personal information. She belabored one point. What type of man was best suited to her? Personality Type A, or Type B? She’d had two long-term relationships with both types of men. The Type A male had power and his own financial resources, but little time to spend with her. The Type B guy had time, but their togetherness mostly centered around taking care of him financially and otherwise. She’d lost valuable time in her own career, managing Mr. Type B’s life. Yet, with Mr. Type A the endless nights alone couldn’t be soothed by a gorgeous home and gardens.

My friend was clear on partnership, but skewed on this point. The real problem? She’d been looking at an “EITHER/OR” scenario. By sending out opposing messages, she was caught in a holding pattern. I suggested she allow for the possibility of both, in one partner. A man who was financially stable, yet free to spend time with her. Radical conceptually, in that she never imagined the morphing of these two qualities, together. Did such a man exist? In the real world? He could never show up unless she put her two requests, together.
She met her ideal man. Interestingly, when she was “off duty.” After months of effort applied to dating, it was on the night her friends coerced her into leaving her home. She was tired and not in the mood. But, they were insistent. After leaving the first dance venue she started toward her car. Her friends begged her to go to “one more place.” It was there, that she met her fiance. Not planned, and in this case, with no apparent effort on her part. The effort she had applied, took root in the previous 6 months. She did her external homework in being open to meeting new people. She did her internal homework, in figuring out what she really wanted. The moment she was clear, her partner showed up. Dating by the numbers is misunderstood. It isn’t about going out every night. It isn’t about looking. It isn’t about hunting. At its core, it is about clarity. The clarity comes via contrast. With each new interaction, we begin to refine those qualities we must have, and those things that are negotiable. Dating allows the opportunity to see the many variations of these qualities, via presentation in each new person. The numbers game is a service we give to ourselves, that eventually allows us the ability to recognize our true mate, when we see them.

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