Online Date with Fish2Fish: failed relationships

"All good advice and not rocket science, anyone out there with any other useful first date tips feel free to share with us. We can never have too much advice." - Susan

If You Don't Do THESE 6 Things On A First Date, Don't Expect Another

How to make sure date #2 is in in the bag...

Dating can be fun — lots of fun! But in order to get to that I-have-to-see-you-everyday giddy feeling of a fulfilling relationship, you have to pass the first date in all of its awkward glory. Do you hold his hand? Is it OK that you looked at his Facebook profile? Does your hair look good?

The answer to all of those questions is big fat YES. Here's how to make a great impression on the first date.

1. Only confide in him if it's the natural thing to do.

When you're naturally at ease and can be your genuine self with another person, you'll have a better time, and so will he. Confiding in him doesn't mean you have to tell secrets, but if you can get past surface topics and talk about things you have in common — your great family, your alma mater, your favourite sports team — that emotional connection will start right from the first date and you won't have to force anything.

2. Remember that it's OK to look at his social media accounts.

In the 21st century when online dating sites are standard fare, there's no reason to feel sheepish about Googling and Face booking your date. After all, had you met online you would already know things about each other's hometown, your college and what your interests are. Instead of feeling guilty about it, use it to fuel the conversation.

3. NEVER talk about your past failed relationships.

This is more of a what-not-to-do piece of advice, but sharing information about a past relationship is bad news for a first date. Talking about how long you've been single is natural, but discussing the ugly details of your last breakup is a recipe for disaster. You'll come off angry and unknowingly project your feelings about that last guy onto this new one.

That's a quick road to no second date. Avoid negative topics in general. It's perfectly fine to learn from past relationships — that's what they're for — but internalise it and use it to make this relationship better than the last.

4. Mirror his actions.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but when it comes to a date it will subtly indicate that the two of you are in sync. We naturally want to be around people who are similar, and echoing his movements is a great way to do that. Does he lean into the conversation? You're welcome to lean a little closer. Is he talking with his hands? Take the cue and do the same.

5. Talk with your body.

While a loud and crowded bar or restaurant may not be an ideal place for a first date, it will allow you an excuse to get cozy. It's a great impetus for leaning in closer and creating a more intimate feeling right off the bat. Once that physical distance barrier has been broken, things like holding his hand or an end of night kiss will feel much more natural.

6. Do something adventurous for your date.

So maybe The Bachelor doesn't have it all wrong when it comes to a good first date. You know all of those "leap of love" metaphors they make every season about jumping off a building, climbing a mountain, or insert-other-dangerous-activity-here on a date? It turns out that the more energy and intensity you put into any experience, the closer you're going to be.

An adventurous date gives you both a chance to share who you are in a fun and enjoyable way. After a shared experience — even ice skating or something more spontaneous like a scary cab ride — you're more likely to feel a strong connection to that person.

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Photo: Nicolas Raymond

How to Trust Someone Again After You've Been Hurt In Love

Have you ever been through one of those terrible relationships or break-ups that leave you doubting whether or not you'll be able to trust someone again?

I have. And so have countless other people.

In fact, fear of trusting someone again is such a common reaction to being hurt in love that it has its own name: pistanthrophobia.

As anyone who's been through it will agree, it's a very difficult thing to get over. However, if you want to be in a happy, healthy relationship again, then you do need to overcome it. The four suggestions below helped me, and I think they'll also help you get past the things which are holding you back from a brighter future.

1. Don't assume that the future will be the same as the past

My first proper relationship ended when I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me with one of my best mates; then afterwards--perhaps to get back at me for breaking up with her--it got back to me that she'd been spreading the (extremely false) rumor that I'd raped her. I was shattered. Combined with some other things that were taking place in my life, the experience plunged me into a crippling and near fatal depression, and my ability to trust another girl was destroyed.

Over the next few years, I brought my pistanthrophobia with me on every date I went on, and suffice it to say, there weren't a lot of second dates. My inability to trust another girl was ruining any chance I had of being in a functional relationship, and I wondered if I'd ever be able to overcome it and make things work with a woman.

Eventually however, I started seeing a therapist for my depression. Everything that happened with my ex inevitably came up, and my psychologist gave me a piece of advice that helped me immensely:

"Don't cast dispersions on the entire female population because of one bad experience with one bad girl."

I think casting such dispersions is the root cause of the vast majority of people's pistanthrophobia; because we've been hurt by one person--or in some people's cases, a number of people--we become conditioned to believing that the next person will hurt us too. But projecting this assumption onto the next person isn't being fair. Unless that person has done something to make us wary of trusting them, then they deserve to be given an open-minded chance. It's important that we start each relationship with a clean slate, and not let it be poisoned by our past.

2. Learn from the past: what were the warning signs that your ex was untrustworthy?

In my case, my ex would constantly break promises, lie, say one thing then do something else, and continuously do things that she knew would bother me. With the benefit of hindsight, it's not surprising that she ended up seriously hurting me. People who have certain self-centred, manipulative and malicious traits are not worthy of your trust. If you can learn from your past relationships to identify said traits and the types of people who aren't to be trusted, then you'll be better at picking a lover the next time around--and knowing that you're wiser and more likely to pick a better lover will make you less scared of getting hurt.

3. Learn from the past: what were the things that you could have done differently?

The way my ex used to look at my mate, the amount they used to talk to each other on the phone, the amount of time they'd always spend together ... I was always suspicious that something was going on. But whenever I'd bring it up with her, she'd always stress that they were just friends, and feeling guilty for raising it, I'd always let the matter drop--even though my gut was telling me that something wasn't right. In the end of course, I ended up being correct.

The key lesson I learned from this was to trust my instincts. Where there's smoke there's usually fire, so if something seems off to you, then it probably is. Part of the lesson I learned is that my girlfriend should have addressed my fears and not dismissed them. As a result of learning this lesson, I now have confidence in myself that should a similar situation present itself, I wouldn't make the same mistake. And once you trust yourself to be able to make better decisions, it becomes much easier to trust somebody else.

4. Give yourself time to heal

After a difficult break-up, I think it's extremely helpful to take a timeout from dating and try to grow in your pain. I myself rushed back into things when in hindsight I wasn't ready, which led to more failed relationships, which led to more heartache, which led to more pistanthrophobia, which led to more failed relationships ... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I think it's important to learn everything you can from your previous relationships, and work to arrive at a place where you feel like if you were to meet someone else that you're interested in, that you'd be able to start fresh. Once you've done that, then you're ready to start dating again.

The best revenge is living well

As the saying goes, once you're bitten, you're twice shy. The natural intention is to put up barriers around you and try to protect yourself by refusing to open up and trust anyone again-but if you do that, you could miss out on the joy of spending your life with someone great. Don't let that happen. An ex's untrustworthiness does not have to have a permanent impact on your ability to trust another person, and it doesn't have to destroy your future relationships.

After all, your ex has already hurt you enough. Don't let them hurt you anymore.

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