If You Don't Do THESE 6 Things On A First Date, Don't Expect Another

"All good advice and not rocket science,  anyone out there with any other useful first date tips feel free to share with us.  We can never  have too much advice."           -         Susan

If You Don't Do THESE 6 Things On A First Date, Don't Expect Another

How to make sure date #2 is in in the bag...

Dating can be fun — lots of fun! But in order to get to that I-have-to-see-you-everyday giddy feeling of a fulfilling relationship, you have to pass the first date in all of its awkward glory. Do you hold his hand? Is it OK that you looked at his Facebook profile? Does your hair look good?

The answer to all of those questions is big fat YES. Here's how to make a great impression on the first date.

1. Only confide in him if it's the natural thing to do.

When you're naturally at ease and can be your genuine self with another person, you'll have a better time, and so will he. Confiding in him doesn't mean you have to tell secrets, but if you can get past surface topics and talk about things you have in common — your great family, your alma mater, your favourite sports team — that emotional connection will start right from the first date and you won't have to force anything.

2. Remember that it's OK to look at his social media accounts.

In the 21st century when online dating sites are standard fare, there's no reason to feel sheepish about Googling and Face booking your date. After all, had you met online you would already know things about each other's hometown, your college and what your interests are. Instead of feeling guilty about it, use it to fuel the conversation.

3. NEVER talk about your past failed relationships.

This is more of a what-not-to-do piece of advice, but sharing information about a past relationship is bad news for a first date. Talking about how long you've been single is natural, but discussing the ugly details of your last breakup is a recipe for disaster. You'll come off angry and unknowingly project your feelings about that last guy onto this new one.

That's a quick road to no second date. Avoid negative topics in general. It's perfectly fine to learn from past relationships — that's what they're for — but internalise it and use it to make this relationship better than the last.

4. Mirror his actions.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but when it comes to a date it will subtly indicate that the two of you are in sync. We naturally want to be around people who are similar, and echoing his movements is a great way to do that. Does he lean into the conversation? You're welcome to lean a little closer. Is he talking with his hands? Take the cue and do the same.

5. Talk with your body.

While a loud and crowded bar or restaurant may not be an ideal place for a first date, it will allow you an excuse to get cozy. It's a great impetus for leaning in closer and creating a more intimate feeling right off the bat. Once that physical distance barrier has been broken, things like holding his hand or an end of night kiss will feel much more natural.

6. Do something adventurous for your date.

So maybe The Bachelor doesn't have it all wrong when it comes to a good first date. You know all of those "leap of love" metaphors they make every season about jumping off a building, climbing a mountain, or insert-other-dangerous-activity-here on a date? It turns out that the more energy and intensity you put into any experience, the closer you're going to be.

An adventurous date gives you both a chance to share who you are in a fun and enjoyable way. After a shared experience — even ice skating or something more spontaneous like a scary cab ride — you're more likely to feel a strong connection to that person.

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How To Break Up

How To Break Up

There’s no phrase in the English language that invokes more fear than when someone says “We have to talk.” Everyone who has ever been in a relationship knows instinctively that any conversation that starts with that phrase will never end well. It almost inevitably is followed by the classic “It’s not you, it’s me”, and the equally dreaded “We can still be friends.”

As bad as being dumped can feel… being the dump-er can be as bad.

Ending a relationship, especially a long-term one, can be incredibly difficult. Nobody relishes being the person to cause someone – someone you’ve shared an emotional connection with, someone who has shared months, if not years of your lives together – pain. It’s only natural to want to avoid the awkwardness and heart break as much as possible. We all know the little dodges to try to make things easier; trying to couch the split in passive phrases, avoiding face-to-face confrontations, even hoping to force our significant other to be the one to pull the trigger instead.

All of these just serve to make things worse.

If you’re going to break up with someone, they deserve the dignity of being dumped properly.

You’re going to have to follow the rules and break up with them like a man.

It’s inevitable that relationships come to an end. Whether you've come to the realization that she’s not right for you or circumstances have changed and you’re no longer compatible, you owe it to her to end things with a minimum of fuss and drama. You can’t avoid hurting her; scientists and psychologists have discovered that breakups are literally physically painful. They trigger the same areas of the brain that respond to cocaine and nicotine withdrawal. But by following these rules you can keep the pain to a minimum and at least provide her with the respect she’s due.

Face To Face Is The Only Way

If you’re going to break up with someone, you break up with them to their face. No exceptions. If you’ve been dating for longer than two weeks and/or bodily fluids have been exchanged, you owe them an in-person explanation. Not over the phone. Not via e-mail. Certainly not by text… what kind of inhuman monster are you? Did you run out of puppies to drown?

"U r dumped! LOL! 

Look, I get it. It’s only natural to want to avoid the conflict inherent in a breakup; nobody enjoys watching people in pain, especially pain that you are the direct cause of. You may even have convinced yourself that it’s somehow less cruel than a face-to-face confrontation, that somehow that level of extra level of distance will somehow cushion the blow and make it easier on both of you.

Let’s be honest: you’re being a goddamned coward. Breaking up with her by remote isn’t about her comfort, it’s about yours. If you had any honest feelings for her, you owe it to her to break up with her to her face?

Why?

Because the first rule of a break up is to do as little damage as possible. Humans are built for face-to-face communication; our facial expressions and body language carry volumes of information that text or even vocal inflection don't convey. In a face-to-face break up, the little things – the look of pain and sympathy in your own eyes, the subtle reach across the table, the slump of shoulders – will display your own emotional distress and convey to her a very simple but necessary message: that you cared for her and that she has value as a person.

Do you know what you’re saying when you dump somebody via electronic proxy?  You’re telling her “You matter so little that I couldn’t even be bothered to show up in person.” The implied insult on top of the injury can be devastating; you may as well pour carbolic acid on top of an open wound while you’re at it.

Own The Breakup

Let’s say that over the years your feelings have changed. You know that the end of the relationship is coming… but you just can’t bring yourself to pull the trigger and end things. So you start applying relationship jiu-jitsu. You become distant, passive-aggressive even. You close yourself off emotionally. You flirt with other women in front of her. You’ve become so obnoxious and unbearable that ultimately she is the one to break up with you.

Mission accomplished, right? Time to meet up with the boys, grab some drinks at the bar and congratulate yourself on a job well done. After all, no harm, no foul, right?

Wrong.

Whether you fear confrontation, you just can’t stand to be the one to hurt her or you fear being “the bad guy” in the break-up, weaseling your way into being the dumpee instead of the dumper is the mark of the lowest of the low. Hand in your man-card because you’re clearly not worthy of the title.

Just as with avoiding a face-to-face break up, all you have done is shirked the responsibility of the break-up in the name of convenience. Not only is this incredibly insulting to your significant other, it can be profoundly damaging to her emotionally. All you have done is convinced her that all the time you had spent together was a lie. In one swift dick move, you have poisoned all of the fond memories she had of the two of you; now she can’t trust her own feelings and intuition. After all, you’ve just proven that you weren’t the person she thought you were and that the relationship wasn’t what she felt it to be.

If you’re breaking up with someone, you owe it to them and to yourself to stand up and own the fact that this is your doing. You need to be willing to take responsibility for the fact that you are the one taking these actions and that you have enough respect for her to be up front about it.

You Owe Her An Honest Explanation.

There are few things worse in a break up than uncertainty. Breakups are bad enough; leaving her feeling uncertain and confused as to why you broke up is worse. Break ups fade, but the lack of an explanation can haunt people for yearsafterwards, doing untold damage to their psyche. Couching things in passive terms and using weasel words will only make things worse.”It’s not you, it’s me,” is possibly one of the most insulting things that you can tell a person; even if itis true, it’s going to sound like a tossed-off cliché and come across as though you have no respect for her or her intelligence.

Instead, you need to be honest: you’re simply not in love with her anymore.  You don’t think that the two of you work. Ultimately: She’s not the one you're looking for anymore and it’s not fair to her to drag things out any further. Keep it short, keep it simple and keep it about you. Even if you’re breaking up because of her flaws, you want to allow her to keep her dignity. If you’re breaking up because she’s lousy in bed or because you’d rather be seeing the cute girl at the bar, you don’t need to tell her that, just that you are unsatisfied and you don’t see things changing. The last thing you want to do is shred her self-esteem any more than you already have. You’re hurting her enough as it is; any more than is absolutely necessary is just cruel.

You don’t want to list a point-by-point reasoning as to why you’re breaking up; all this will do is start an argument about who is right and who is wrong. You can’t logic someone into wanting to date you, and you certainly can’t debate them into breaking up with you.

Take It Like A Man

It’s going to be volatile. She’s going to scream. She’s going to yell at you. She’s going to call you every name in the book. She’s going to malign your skills in bed, insult your taste in everything, stab at every single one of your insecurities, imply that she’d rather sleep with your best friend and tell you that you’ve got the tiniest penis she’s ever seen.

And you’re going to stand there and take all of it. Quietly. With a look of sympathy and regret.

Why? Because there’s nothing you can say that’s going to make it any better. You’re going to have to stand there and bear that torrent of abuse without trying to defend yourself or zinging her right back because frankly, she’s earned it.You’re breaking her heart; she’s got the right to vent at you. It lets her salvage her self-esteem as she’s trying to collect the pieces of her shattered dreams.

For the record, silently rolling your eyes at her also counts.

The only exception to this rule is if she starts to become violent. Allowing her to salvage her dignity is one thing; doing so at the expense of your personal safety is another. If she’s about to actually hurt you, get the hell out.

A Clean Break Heals Fastest

You don’t do her any favors by stringing things out. Once you’ve made the decision to break up with her, you want to make it as clean and as quick as possible. This means that you can’t cushion the blow. There’s no implying that this break up is temporary. There’s definitely no saying “We can still be friends.”  Any hope of a future reconciliation – whether stated or implied – just prolongs the pain of the breakup and makes it even harder for both of you to move on. Even if you genuinely want to be friends, all you will end up doing is hurting her in the long run and sabotaging any chances of her finding another relationship… one that will actually work this time.

It’s admirable that you would want to try to maintain a friendship… but for now,neither of you is in a position to do so. The pain is too immediate, the wounds are too raw and neither of you have had any time to heal nor any perspective on where things went wrong.

You need a clean break. Just as when you’re the dumpee, this means cutting all ties. Delete her number from your phone, unfollow her on Twitter, de-friend her on Facebook and take her off your blog roll. There’s no point in making things harder for either of you with constant reminders of what went wrong. Leave her her dignity and let her have time to heal. If you're going to still be friends, you can be friends later, when time has worked it’s magic and the pain has faded.

View the original article here

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What WILL Your Soulmate Look Like?

Single? Then What WILL Your Soulmate Look Like?

On my travels I have come to understand a lot of things that I now have adopted as being true for me. I don't know if they would be true for anyone else but more often than not the thinking and experiences have proven true to me. All these experiences I have been moderately proud of myself for working out but there is a slight fear that this knowledge could be used for evil!!!

Well not quite but when I was re-reading blog titled "Avoid Becoming a Professional Online Dater" I felt that this information could easily turn me into a professional dater. - cue the maniacal laughter!

There is no such thing as "The ONE" - Uh-oh now I've really said too much now and I'm going to be a marked man and receive hate mail like you wouldn't believe!!!

No, I'm not going to do a Salman Rushdie. I stand by what I just said and won't back down as there is simply no one person that can or could be your partner. Think about it. Often we have the tick sheet as to the man/woman we'd like to marry. Hot body, fit, blonde, funny, sexy, good with mother and my friends, brilliant cook etc and doesn't nag. In other words a David Beckham or Gwyneth Paltrow, or Brad Pitt and Angelina. This idea really isn't going to work of course unless you think you're Victoria Beckham or Chris Martin. - see "How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online"

This isn't a case of not being in their league or anything negative like that. This is about personality and what really works for you.

As an example, when I started dating again. I approached from a completely different angle and that was to ask a question. Looking back I see that it was a very powerful question. After asking it I was totally open to the who had the personality and values I share and therefore would mean that we would be several steps up the ladder in the relationship from the word go.

What do I mean?

Well to do that I would have to share the question I asked and put out to the universe.

"I wonder what will my soulmate look like."

It was said in such a way that it bread excitement, like expecting the birth of a new child. It didn't say my soulmate will be blonde and smokin' hot. No, it was I find someone that respected me, someone that didn't want to dominate, someone that shared my passion for positive thinking, reading positive literature, self improvement and I could discuss almost any thing and take it on board and had an open mind etc. What does that person look like.

When I did finally meet my partner we just clicked you might say. Even so as we were further up the ladder we didn't have to go through all the dating things like going to theatre and struggling to think of more cliched dating stuff to do. We were then as we are now mutual and fully understanding and able to enjoy each others company, whether it was pushing the shopping cart round some supermarket, walking around the block or doing some food to eat. [see Pushing the Trolley Round Tesco]

If you're not convinced the look back. If you have had relationships in the past where you thought you girlfriend of boyfriend that was pretty as hell but something about them you just couldn't get along with them. You may have tried to hang on to them because they were so gorgeous but ultimately the differing values caused it all to crumble.

So I dare you if you are single to ask "I wonder what my soulmate looks like..." then have your eyes open to  receive what comes your way. Who knows you might be inspired with this thought to create the best online dating profile ever.

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Humor Versus Reality – Talking Too Much on First Date

Humor Versus Reality – Talking Too Much on First Date

One of the biggest turnoffs on a first date is someone who continually talks about himself or herself. This is also a problem in first communications online. One way you can improve your image online and in real life is to learn the art of asking genuine questions of interest about other people. When you show interest in others, it increases their interest in you (unless you’re a stalker, that is).

Rule of Thumb:

When you are on a first date, don’t talk about yourself unless you are asked a question. Keep the focus on your date by asking insightful questions (stay away from the topics of politics, religion, and sex). By putting the focus on your date, you will make him/her feel your genuine interest and greatly increase your chances of a second date.

The key is to learn to ask questions about others that are insightful. Before you go on a first date with someone you met online, study the profile of them carefully in order to formulate questions that show you “did your homework”. It makes you more interesting. Other good topics include family, food, humor, non-political but uplifting current events. Steer the conversation away from negative subjects that can bring down the date (death, crimes, etc.).

View the original article here

Do you have any tips you can give for anyone going on a first date? Scratch something down in the comments below...

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Is Honesty The Best Policy?

The single most important thing of anything you could ever do when it comes to creating your online dating profile is to be honest. Look I know that competition for attention on online dating services is intense and it might sound tempting to stretch the truth a little or too blatantly lie, but making up things about yourself or posting pictures that aren’t really of you is only setting yourself up for failure and disappointment when you finally meet someone special someone.

Everyone’s biggest complaint about online dating is about all the liars out there. Telling porkies, white lies, massage the truth and exaggerating on your profile is just like lying on your CV. You know it could improve your chances, but you’ll look like a complete loser if you get sprung. You know the people who get online when they’re married, the people who shave ten years off their age. Claiming you’re an ace snow boarder or mountain biker might help you score a date with sexy Mr Extreme. But faking it online is the easy bit — faking it on top of a mountain could be a lot trickier.

Your profile is designed to help women form an opinion about you. Written correctly, your profile will entice her to contact you immediately. Women re-read profiles over and over again because they want to get to know who you are and they want to get excited about meeting you. The more you put in your profile that expresses your personality, the easier it is for a woman to decide to email you because she'll have a better idea of what to talk about with you. The major problem that occurs when men are less than honest occurs after you've gone out on a date with a woman. She will go back after the date and re-read your profile to see if there are any discrepancies. It's almost like she is looking to see if you're as real as you appear to be. So make sure everything you write in your profile is totally representative of who you are right now in your life.

Honesty gets more results

In creating a picture of yourself and in preparing to write your profile, its human nature to want to present yourself in the most flattering way, but at the same time it’s not your duty to leave an absurdly inaccurate cyber footprint of yourself. Besides, the beauty of online dating is the fact that it opens up a whole world of possibilities when it comes to finding a potential cyber-suitor and being honest with your portfolio will able you to find someone that is attracted to you for who you really are.

The thing s you leave out or conveniently forget to mention are part of the process. For example, you may be a smoker, but you know that will limit who responds to your profile. That’s why this isn’t as easy as it sounds. The little things that you choose to leave out may end up being deal-breakers. And even the truths you choose to put in, that we encourage you to put in, may also trouble. You may like to have a glass of wine each night with dinner. When you fill in your form, you get to the “drinks” question, and you’re faced with a decision: You drink everyday – but you really aren’t a “drinker”. How do you answer such a question in a form that only gives you the choices of “never”, “socially,” or “regularly,” and no space to explain?

Now if you answer “regularly,” many people may think you’re a heavy drinker, but you’re not. You may even just be following doctor’s advice. A glass a day keeps the doctor away so to speak.

In my own dating experience, I tend to be suspicious of everyone and I always ask the question…”Who’s truly hiding?” In over 10 years of online dating, I found that a large percentage of men (and I hear that women do it too), lie about themselves in one way or another. Typically, it's height that most men are dishonest about, and women most often lie about their weight. The best policy is to just put down the facts, or very close to the facts.

Be proud of your physicality

As a short man or heavy woman, you might feel compelled to add a few inches or take off a few pounds and before you do, think about this... If you're a short man and a woman is attracted to that, you're set. And if you're a heavy woman and a man is attracted to heavy women then you're also set. A potential disaster will be brewing if you lie about your height (or weight) because eventually you'll have to deal with the stress of that first meeting, yep, they'll notice and you will lose major cool points and there's also the possibility that you'll lose their trust too.

One of the most tricky issues can be weight, and if you’re an ample body size, you need to be honest about it. Not only will it disappoint them when they meet you if you’ve lied, but your own confidence will plummet if you see disappointment on their face or hear it in their voice. Use the “Honest Understatement. ” Say something like “I’m large / ample / voluptuous / curvy,” etc. You don’t need to tell them your exact size, and if they need to ask it probably isn’t a successful match anyway.

Meet Local, Fun, Attractive Singles that want to meet you too at Fish2Fish Dating

For those things we cannot change such as age and height, learn to accept these and incorporate the positive aspects into your self-image. For example, I am tall and not petite and these things about me cannot he changed; if someone likes shorter petite women, I may not be their match. So be it, there are many men who like tall women, thank goodness!

Use subtle filters

Talk about your likes and dislikes, especially if it's something in a mate that you absolutely could not live with. This could be his/her smoking habits, need to sunbathe nude on the roof, getting totally coma drunk every weekend or really anything else that might "rub you the wrong way" (hmmm, or the right way). If you do not like something it's perfectly fine to mention it as this will "weed out" all the people that would end up wasting your (and their) time.

Likewise and probably more important to ensure your compatibility is to mention the things that you like to do, you know... your hobbies, favorite foods, taste in music. Nope, you don't have to reveal your entire life and personality online as a little mystery is always a good thing. Mentioning the type of relationship you seek will also align you to a similar person be it a short term relationship, friends, long term, physical only, marriage. If you're looking to get married one day, don't be afraid to say this, again you'll weed out those people looking for a friend only or just a warm body for a few hours (you know what I mean).

Be prepared to travel

Not only on the type of people that you can expect to write to, chat, or meet, but also to your potential geographic limitations. If you live in Seattle and have the opportunity to meet thousands of other single people that's great, however if you live in Smallville where your prospects number about a dozen or less then you have some geographic decisions to make. Do you want him/her to drive a couple hours to see you or date you? Would you want to drive that long or more to see someone else? Or will you be realistic, possibly lower your expectations and date people locally, even if the selection isn't as great? I can tell you that I had already made my decision to drive no more then an hour to meet my soul mate since the biggest city was about 50 minutes away and anything beyond an hour would have been too long for me. You might prefer more or less and the bottom line is that as long as it works for both of you then that's perfectly fine.

Security and safety

One last thing before we move to the next section, remember to never post your personal information especially your telephone number, email address, home address or your last name. Once you've confirmed the other person as trustworthy should you give out your personal information. In most all dating sites they have what's called a double-blind email system that ensures your true identity is protected and safe up until that point where you decide to reveal it.

Instant profile turn offs

So here are some of the things we advise you to avoid when creating your profile because they will come off as disingenuous, phony, smarmy, or tasteless.

·        Anything referring to your sexual appetite or your sexual abilities.

·        Description of your body parts.

·        Commenting on how many partners you’ve been with.

·        Bragging about how great you are.

·        Saying that you’re hot or a bad boy/girl.

·        Proclaiming that you’re on here on a dare.

Even if any or all of the above are true, they’re simply stupid things to put out there

Due to many people’s inability to see themselves as they are, hypocrisy runs rampant in the world of online dating. I have spoken with innumerable women who have called me to complain about all the liars they end up meeting, yet they don’t take any responsibility.

So As you write your initial profile, take your first pictures, and get ready to put it all together online, it’s a good  time to look at it all with fresh eyes. Make sure you’ve done a good job of “selling” yourself without painting an unrealistic portrait.

View the original article here

20 Reasons You Don’t Have a Boyfriend

Manolith, a men’s lifestyle online magazine, recently ran the article 20 Reasons You’re Still Single. I was delighted to learn that there are apparently a significant number of men who want a relationship and need advice. The piece addresses a wide range of typical male weaknesses, including questionable hygiene, douchebaggery and being “too nice.”

One of the premises of Hooking Up Smart is that in general, men are more interested in sexual variety than women, and therefore less interested in committed relationships. Individual preferences fall within a spectrum, but current relationship and cultural dynamics can be said to favor the male. Women need to be smart and strategic if they want to secure and maintain a satisfying relationship.

Many contributing factors have created “hookup culture,” where physical intimacy precedes emotional intimacy, which may or may not develop. While the odds may be against committed relationships, there are some happy couples to be seen around. Even at college, that Happy Hookup Hunting Ground, you see couples walking hand in hand. It happens.

Is it a matter of luck? Right place, right time? Or are there women who have a knack for bringing out the boyfriend in guys? None of us can control luck or timing. We can present our best physical selves by taking care of ourselves and taking pride in our appearance, but we can’t mess (much) with the genetic hand we’ve been dealt. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that we can control our behavior, and that can change everything! I’m not suggesting that you change to get yourself a man. I’m suggesting that there are certain behaviors that men, as well as discriminating women, find unattractive. In fact, there are certain behaviors that actually telegraph that you are not relationship material. Becoming aware of those behaviors, and getting rid of them, can be very powerful in changing the way that you are perceived.

My 20 tough love reasons for why you don’t have a boyfriend:

1. You’re needy. You met him last weekend, he texted a few times, and now you just won’t leave the guy alone. You went from 0 to 60 in a few days. You’re already planning for next weekend. This is probably the #1 behavior that gets girls labeled psycho in the early days.

2. You like players. You say you want a nice guy, but you fall for the same lines again and again. You can’t resist the bad boys, the ones who have dumped on other women. You think that you will be different, that nabbing a player will validate your feminine powers. But the player always wins, because the player always walks.

3. You’re a princess. You want a man who will proclaim to the world that he is whipped as butter. He will worship the very ground you walk on. Trouble is, the only men who will happily inhabit a one-down position in a relationship have no balls. Do you really want a guy who will eagerly go to a bunch of chick flicks with you? Wouldn’t you rather accompany him to Transformers from time to time?

4. You flirt too much. Flirting is an essential skill in any woman’s toolkit. It is meant to indicate to a guy that you are singling him out for special attention because you are attracted to him. If you flirt like crazy with every Y chromosome you encounter, it loses its effectiveness, and makes you seem “not very choosy.” Also, if you are spending time with a guy but can’t stand the idea of hiding your light under a bushel, he is not going to appreciate your flirting with other men. It makes him look and feel less manly, and awakens unwelcome feelings of jealousy.

5. You’re not in the game. If you’re shy, reserved, or aloof, you are not approachable. Many beautiful women are ignored by guys because the odds of rejection are too high. You also telegraph likely rejection if you hold back. If you find a guy attractive, meet him halfway by signaling your interest with eye contact and a smile. If you know him, pay him some attention.

6. You’re too picky. You want a guy who is well-educated, financially successful, handsome, funny, witty, generous, blah blah blah. You want a 10. Get realistic. How about well-educated, funny and generous? Or handsome and witty, but a poet, i.e. broke? Perhaps financially successful, generous and fun to be with, but never went to college? Keep an open mind when you’re sizing up men. Allow yourself to find the good.

7. You’re a Girl Gone Wild. Stop dancing on tabletops when you’re drunk. In fact, stop getting drunk. Drunk is ugly. No one, male or female, ever became more attractive when they got drunk (beer goggles just fool you into thinking they did). When you are drunk, you say and do foolish things. Step away from the beer pong table. If you wouldn’t do it sober…then you really don’t want to do it at all.

8. You’re ditzy. I once knew a very smart woman who exclaimed at a frat party that she thought Mt. Rushmore was a natural phenomenon. I don’t know why some women love to get all girly and giggly. I suppose it makes them feel sexier, a la Marilyn Monroe. If you’re with a guy who wants his women stupid, you need a new guy. Lose the simpering act.

9. You’re a Mean Girl. Seriously, stop being a bitch. I’ve heard guys speak in awe (and fear) of mean girls, but Chuck Bass is the only guy I’ve ever seen who really wanted to love one, and he’s fictitious. Sometimes, guys want to get with mean girls because they’re powerful, but that relationship isn’t about love.

10. You’re high maintenance. You always feel slighted. He’s always saying and doing the wrong thing. Your feelings are constantly hurt, and he is constantly apologizing. Fighting all the time can be rewarding in the short-term, because it amps up the sexual tension for makeup sex, but ultimately it’s a total boner-killer.

11. You’re aggressive. You act like one of the guys. You pursue, make moves, call the shots. You say that you’re a liberated woman, so you can grab whatever cock grabs your fancy. That will get you laid, but try to remember that it’s the male of the species that got the big dose of testosterone. That male is biologically programmed to seek his complementary opposite – which includes a much larger dose of estrogen. You can be strong, independent, and very, very female.

12. You’re self-absorbed. You talk about yourself all the time. You talk about your ex all the time. You cry on his shoulder all the time when you don’t get what you want. You’re not really giving. You’re not emotionally engaged in a caring and generous way. If you’re not curious about him; if you are not hungry for details about who he is and what he’s into, then maybe he’s the wrong guy. Or maybe you’re the wrong girl.

13. You’re a homebody. You’re not out there meeting new people every day. You are not going through each day looking to interact with and smile at attractive and approachable people. And by the way, get off the cell phone. The adorable guy behind you in line at Starbucks can’t say hi if you’re on your phone, plus he’s hearing you sound like a complete idiot with your BFF.

14. You’re too hard to get. Yes, everyone likes a challenge. No one likes eager or desperate. But employing “The Rules” or some other silly tactic is just going to leave you solo. If he asks you out spontaneously for tonight, that’s a real invitation. If you are interested, accept. A guy’s suggesting a plan on the spur of the moment is not him treating you badly. It’s him expressing an interest in spending time with you. (Obviously, do the opposite of what I say here if it’s a booty call situation.)

15. Your number is too high. OK, fine, you don’t want any guy who cares about how many people you’ve slept with. Problem is….that’s most guys. You don’t have to tell anyone your personal data. Just be aware that when you’re making the rounds within a certain community or group of friends, word gets out fast. I don’t think there has ever, ever been a guy who got laid and didn’t tell anyone about it afterwards. If your number is high and that fact is well known, you have every right to find a new pack of males and revirginate reinvent yourself.

16. You’re flaky. A plan is a commitment. Don’t blow someone off when something better comes along. Don’t ditch him because your friend “really needs you.” Don’t double book yourself. Don’t be late. Don’t get drunk and not show. Women constantly complain that men aren’t reliable, but I’ve seen plenty of women flake out on guys.

17. You’re materialistic. You know what? The best dates are cheap dates. In fact, I think the best dates I ever had were actually free dates. Cooking together. Hanging out. Taking a long walk. I met my husband in graduate school, and he was dead broke. He was paying his own way and had very little money. We’d only been together a month or so when my birthday rolled around. He gave me very inexpensive fun earrings, but what I remember is the card he made. All it said on it was: Head Over Heels. That was the best birthday gift ever.

18. You’re scared. You’ve been burned before. You are understandably wary. This leads you to be withholding. He puts it out there, lays it on the line, and you just can’t reciprocate. You really like him, but you just don’t want to get hurt again. This means he knows up front that he will be the one to get hurt. No guy will stick around to watch that happen. You’ve got to find a way forward. There is no love for any of us without considerable risk, so do what you need to do to work through it.

19. You’re rigid. You have plans for Saturday night, but his buddies are going to a game that night, would Friday be OK? You say, “No, you made plans with me first. And Saturday is date night.” He picks you up and mentions that one of his friends and his gf will be joining the two of you for dinner, if that’s OK. It’s not. You’re miffed that you two won’t be having a night alone. He wants to go to the party, you don’t. You grudgingly agree to go and stay for an hour. After an hour, you want to leave, he’s having a great time. You let him know that an hour’s up and it’s time to leave RIGHT NOW. Being rigid is largely about asserting control. That’s never a winning relationship tactic.

20. You’re a pushover. You put up with all kinds of crap. You allow yourself to be booty called and stood up. You allow him to tease you in a not-affectionate way (comments about your weight come to mind). You allow him to pick fights, and then forgive him for flirting or hooking up with another girl in the two hours you were broken up. If you do not respect yourself, he certainly isn’t going to respect you, and your value in his eyes will tank.

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