The Future Of Love Is Not As Clear As It Might Seem

On the whole, romantic relationships in the developed world have been influenced by the digital revolution. Online dating has expanded the idea of the personal classified ad far beyond the local newspaper, while apps like Snapchat have turned sex into something that can be done remotely, and instantly, with partners you might never meet in real life. What else can we expect? 

Fast Company recently spoke to Terry Young, CEO of Sparks & Honey, about his predictions for the future of relationships. This is typical territory for Sparks & Honey, a company that specializes, among other things, in advertising concepts including "wave branding" and "culturally infused social media." It has previously released speculative reports on careers of the future and the rise of the "citizen doctor." 

Young points to some of the tech we already know — Grindr, teledildonics — as indicators of an even more remote love landscape to come. He posits a Gattaca-like future in which we are matched with partners based on genetic compatibility and receive post-breakup reports that provide "an analysis of what went right and what you need to optimize next time." (Read: 10 Things To Get The Best Out Of Online Dating FAST!)

What the article and Young don't address, however, are the potential effects of these developments. Young says things like "instant gratification social media platforms have turned courtship into a sped-up process" and believes "that sentient artificially intelligent entities could start to compete for our affections." Is this a future we should be celebrating or fighting?

Young states that "large numbers of men are no longer physically attracted to human women." (Assuming that he's referring to heterosexual men who do not identify as asexual, this claim is questionable without data to back it up.) "With better 3-D-printing, sex toys will become printable," writes Fast Company. In reality, this has already happened. (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

So, what's the takeaway here? The future is never certain. Disneyland's Monsanto House of the Future, for example, amazingly predicted the penetration of microwave ovens in American homes, but its chief forecast — of mass-produced, modular, plastic homes — never came to fruition. 

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The Case for Dating Short Guys

The Case for Dating Short Guys

Everyone likes a tall man; there’s tons of research to prove it. Of a 2009 study, the journal Evolutionary Psychology says, “Male height is associated with high mate value. In particular, tall men are perceived as more attractive, dominant and of a higher status than shorter rivals, resulting in a greater lifetime reproductive success.”

That same study found that “Tall men reported greater relationship satisfaction and lower levels of cognitive or behavioral jealousy than short men,” and that short men engage in different “mate retention behaviors” than tall men. According to Alan Au, client relations manager at the clothing boutique “Jimmy Au’s For Men 5’8″ and Under” in Beverly Hills, the “mate retention behaviors” of short men are precisely why you should date them. As part of a case for dating short guys, he says, “Considering lifelong companionship, shorter guys may be the better choice. If it holds true that shorter men don’t have as many dating opportunities, if nothing else, I think shorter men would try harder to be funny, caring, empathetic, honest, hardworking — and just be a gentleman. In that case, the rationale might be that they are more loyal.” (Read: How to Stack the Deck in Your Favour When Dating Online)

Short men may be loyal, but women who marry them may not be. According to Evolutionary Psychology, “The female preference for tall partners may present an increased risk of desertion or cuckoldry (paternity by another male) to shorter men.” But, Au notes, the historical and even evolutionary preference for taller men may be misguided. He says, “A healthy 160-pound, 5-foot-5 man is going to be a stronger protector than a healthy 160-pound, 5-foot-11 man. It’s been well documented, pound for pound, shorter men have greater endurance, stronger muscles, faster reaction times, faster body movement and are less likely to break bones.” Plus, he adds, “Shorter men live longer. Shorter men have lower incidences of cardiovascular disease when comparing taller men with the same health conditions.”

Short men may be known for their “Napoleon complex,” but as Chiara Atik wrote in a 2012 post for the HowAboutWe blog The Date Report, “A short guy willing to go out with a girl who’s taller than he is is confident and probably ok with his girlfriend upstaging him. He’s not too hung up on appearance or machismo. This is a good quality to have in a boyfriend.” She also notes, “the general consensus from women seems to be that guys who don’t necessarily feel the most attractive will often work much harder in bed, whereas the Don Drapers of the world, who are used to being wanted and pursued by women, focus more on the act of receiving pleasure than giving it.” (Actor Jon Hamm, who plays Don Draper on “Mad Men,” is 6’2″.) (Read: 7 Keys to Good Loving)

Blogger Jeanna Barrett – who is going on 50 dates to food trucks (my kind of girl) – says in this post that short guys make great dates because they “are a more comfortable hug height and fit like puzzle pieces in your arms.” I understand where she’s coming from. While I’m not sure that dating a guy who is several inches shorter than me would work for me (I’m only 5’4″), I do prefer guys who are around my height or just a little bit taller … and yes, for puzzle-piecing purposes. I joked recently that, “When it comes to relationships, the guy has to be taller. That way he’s always looking at you from the angle you use in your selfies.” But the truth is, when a guy is too much taller than me, I feel like every hug and prolonged conversation hurts my neck.

Women, would you date a man who is shorter than you? Men, do you prefer to be taller than the woman you’re dating?

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5 Signs You're Working Too Hard on Your Relationship

There’s making your relationship work, and there’s making your relationship work. Blame our Puritan past, the ingrained work ethic, and the experts who benefit from your problems, but whatever the reason, the persistent idea that you must make a full-time effort of ‘working on’ your relationship doesn’t guarantee a better relationship; it just means sucking the life out of it.

When you’re putting too much work into a relationship, it usually means you’re not getting enough of a reward out of it. You feel exhausted by the mere idea of the two of you, or worse, you think if you keep talking, analyzing, and fixing that you’ll recover what you think you had to start with. (Pro tip: no, you won’t!)

Real worker bees may seem virtuous in their efforts (“I’m doing this for us!”), but they have a secret, says couples counselor and psychotherapistCynthia Pizzulli, Ph.D.: They’re avoiding the truth about their relationship.

In fact, Pizzulli hates the term “work,” period. “We’re always working, and sometimes so much so that we are overworked,” she says. “The whole point of a relationship is to feel like you are home. That person should make all the other work worthwhile.”

How to Know You’re Working Too Hard

So how do you know if you’re putting too much work into your relationship? Here’s Pizzulli’s checklist:

• You have fights with your partner more than once per week. (One is to be expected, but two bad days is a lot.)
• You avoid being alone with your partner because you loathe the discussion. (Why be with someone you don’t like talking to?)
• Entire days pass without your feeling a single positive emotion toward your partner. (If you love someone you should always find it.)
• The list of things you hate about your partner could fill a book. (Everyone has some, but more than 10 is reason for concern.)
• You’re not getting what you need from your partner more than 20 percent of the time. (What makes you think you’ll ever get more? You aren’t going to change that person.) (Read: Changing Your Attitude Can Bring Online Dating Success)

Why You’re Working So Hard

There are two issues driving you to work this hard, says Pizzulli. The first is that we avoid negative feelings. “As children we’re taught that bad feelings are abnormal, and that you should fear them and make them go away,” she says. 

In so doing, we lose the ability to feel both positive and negative feelings in a symbiotic way—which is key to preserving a relationship, even when you disagree. “When you forget that you love someone while you are fighting, you get overwhelmed and overworked,” she says.

If something feels bad, it doesn’t necessarily need repair. This compulsion to fix is an outgrowth of negativity avoidance, and you fear that if you don’t fix it, you’ll fail. “Even therapists will automatically ‘pathologize’ an issue, just because you came into the office,” says Pizzulli. “I think it would be great if therapists would just start by saying ‘Congratulations! You are perfectly normal.’” (Read: How Losing Weight Can Be Bad For Your Relationship)

It’s easy to see how you could think of your relationship as a job: You’re either accepting applications for potential long-term partners or applying for one (and online dating and job seeking only blurs that line further). Dates can feel like interviews (“So, tell me about your last…err…thing”). You wonder if this is a good fit, or if you’re even in the running.

But to believe your relationship is a job (at a start-up, no less, which essentially they all are) is to think that all your energy should go toward propping it up, even when it’s a slog. It also makes you likely to shrug and say, “Meh. This is what all relationships are. Hard work. Guess I better get back to it.”

Wrong. This love-as-work philosophy feeds the assumption (and fear) that this is the best you can do and you might as well stay, even if it’s not working. Second, it can turn what could be a really wonderful relationship into the subject of ceaseless mental and emotional surgery. Both are uninspiring.

“Even the best relationships have conflicts”, says Pizzulli, “but managing them should feel more like adjusting the steering on a vehicle in motion than dragging a dead car down the street.”

Conflict is a given; endless hard labor to get your relationship to “tolerable” is not. You don’t need to fix everything that’s wrong, but you do need to be able to tolerate and manage conflict. A sign of a strong relationship, says Pizzulli, is one in which you say to yourself, “I love this person so much I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have a conflict with.”

Which makes that old saying true once again: If you love what you do, you never have to work again.

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Do You Regret Dating A Co-Worker?

Do You Regret Dating A Co-Worker?

Is it a fine or a bad idea to date your co-worker? Working can turn out to be monotonous after a few months on the job and people look for ways to bring excitement to their routine life. More and more people like to bring in spice to their work environment through socialising and by dating their co-workers. Usually dating a co-worker happens a lot at the workplace, and it can turn into an everlasting love if you earnestly let it blossom. It is natural to get attracted to someone at work when you run into them day in and day out. Lunch together, furtive glances and smiles, joke-swapping and then afterwork catching up like, movies and dinner, may have brought tons of happiness and joy when doing ‘romantic things' together.

Yes, dating a co-worker can be fun, adventurous and exciting; and it may also seem like a good idea in the beginning. However you would regret it after a course of time if things haven't been planned out well between you two. Why regret dating a co-worker? Personal issues between you two can take a toll on your job performance, and when your relationship fizzles out, it will no longer be fun as it can cause friction on a whole new level. It can become hard to cope with your career and relationship at work at the same time. There are chances of you regretting dating a co-worker later since you didn't carefully consider the pros and cons of office romance.

Here are few reasons why you may regret dating a co-worker and office romance.

Tarnishes your reputation

Dating a co-worker can slay your reputation faster at work than you might have expected. The workplace is surrounded with attractive and likeminded people of your age and dating one of them can make you the butt of office gossip. This kind of talk can sometimes even become vicious. Couples always feel that people will not notice their romance at office, and will not know about it. However they will always come to know easily. And if you get caught in an intimate act during your work hours by your colleagues, they would look for ways to expose it.

Impossible to quiet the gossip

If you have a knack of keeping secrets about your office romance under wraps, then you don't have to worry about it. But, things don't go as planned, as people in all probability are going to catch on it. Every office has gossip mongers spreading news about something or the other. If you don't want the murmurs to become a bit louder, try to open up with your colleagues and your boss on your office romance. However hiding can create a hostile work environment. This is when you would start to regret dating a co-worker.

Confused to take the leap or to leave it
You always spend a great part of your day working together; hence it isn't easy to get out of dating a co-worker. It can be a shaky situation if you are dating a co-worker. For some office romance can turn out to be good, while for many, relationships at work can turn out to be sour or messy. With too many uncertainties surrounding your relationship and the future in your job, it can become all the more tricky for you to take the leap or to leave it.

Forgo new opportunity
Suppose there comes an opportunity for relocation with a hike and promotion, and only one of you is required to take up the position. You are required to make a quick decision and will be left in a tight spot to choose between the new promotion and your relationship.

Work pressure can get under your skin
When things at the workplace get on your nerves, whether it is the boss or any work related matter, the last thing you want is mounting pressure from a relationship. You are certainly not ready to withstand the tension stemming between you and your dating partner. Dating a coworker can turn chaotic, when things get tougher between your office flame after she/he starts to rake up personal issues at the workplace, which can make it difficult for you to come face to face or to avoid each other.

No space after the break up
After the break up, it is natural to not want to see your ex-partner and you would want to see less of them. But if you work in the same or adjoining cubicle, it would make it difficult for you to avoid each other especially when you have no option but work on a project together. Nevertheless it becomes impossible to give each other space at work since one of you could bump into each other either when getting into a elevator or going to the coffee machine.

Hence, dating a co-worker can be dangerous if you don't have the ability to cope with your career and relationship at hand.

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Related article: Is an Office Romance Worth It?

8 Signs You Are Dating an Immature Man

8 Signs You Are Dating an Immature Man

Nothing can be more frustrating than being in a relationship with a man who isn't as mature as you are. Immaturity is a clear sign of emotional instability. Here's how you can suss out if your man fits that bill. 

Shies from commitment 
He may just not want to commit himself to anything in particular. Getting him to spend quality time with you is like getting a tooth pulled out. 

Never accepts mistakes
Instead, he resorts to pointing fingers at everybody. He's not the sort to readily accept the blame. And if in case you manage to hold him responsible for something, he will still find a way to brush off the blame. 

No steady job 
This man may never have a steady job. Instead you may always find him cribbing about work. Apart from this, you may feel that he lacks ambition and only talks big about himself. 

Never had a meaningful relationship 
When talking to you about past relationships, he may never mention a long-term one. Instead, he may just talk about one-night stands or a one that just lasted for a month. 

Is way too vulnerable 
You may often find your man breaking down at the drop of a hat. While it’s okay to feel upset sometimes, when you go overboard in a relationship, it breeds trouble. 

Is indecisive 
Says Pallavi Vaz, 28-yearold advertising professional, “Many times I have felt that I am the one constantly making decisions not only for the growth of our relationship, but also for him. He almost leaves every decision upto me, which is quite frustrating at times.” 

Is very inconsiderate 
You may find him to be very selfish at times. His priorities are way different and “more important” than yours. You may feel agitated when you find him only thinking about himself and not about anyone else. Further, he may not even take a minute to be rude to someone. 

Has no real life plans 
Your man may not have an idea about what he wants to do for a living. Says Devyani Parikh, 23-year-old media professional, “My boyfriend prefers to live his life on a day-to-day basis and take things as they come to him.” Such a guy couldcare less about his future or where he will be (personally and professionally) a couple of years down the line.

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14 Tips for Overcoming Common Relationship Killers

14 Tips for Overcoming Common Relationship Killers

If you and your sweetie keep bumping heads, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. No two people view the world the exact same way, which makes it impossible for any relationship to be without issues. 

Instead of viewing conflict as a threat to your relationship, welcome it as a chance to grow closer and better understand one another. Here are 4 common relationship killers and some tips on how to work through them.

Relationship Killer #1: Poor Communication

Holding things in or worse -- giving your partner the silent treatment -- only builds resentment. You need to speak up when something is bothering you. But more importantly, you need to know how to effectively communicate the issue. Otherwise, you may end up causing even more damage. 

When having a tough conversation, keep these tips in mind to effectively communicate. Here are a few ways to do so: 

• Be tough on issues. Avoid making character attacks on your partner and instead focus discussing on specific behavior that is causing tension in the relationship. 
• Keep your emotions in check. Your words will resonate more with your partner if you remain calm. If things get too heated, take a time out until you're relaxed again. 
• Listen. Good communication is about more than getting your point across, it's also about being a good listener. Make sure your partner knows you're really hearing what they say -- maintain eye contact, nod, and ask questions to show that you're engaged. 
• Forget about "winning." Your objective should be resolving the issue, not being right. You only win if both people walk away satisfied with the outcome. 

Relationship Killer #2: Trust Issues

A little bit of jealousy in a relationship is expected and can even help build attraction by knowing that your partner is desired by others. But constant mistrust is a surefire way to breed insecurities and conflict that lead to the demise of a relationship. 

If your partner can't trust you:

• Show how much you care. Mistrust often arises when one person feels like they aren't getting enough love. Make a point to show more affection and support toward your partner. 
• Share more. It's easier to trust someone when you feel like you truly know them. Tell secrets, spill the details of your day, and talk about your past experiences. 

If you're the one having trouble trusting your partner:

• Identify why there is a lack of trust. Has certain behavior warranted suspicion from one partner, or is the mistrust stemming from bad experiences from childhood or past relationships?
• Work on yourself first. Insecurities often lead to a lack of trust in a relationship. If you're not happy with yourself, you will be more likely to imagine outside threats to the relationship. 

Relationship Killer #3: Money Differences

They say money can't buy you love, but it sure can destroy it. Many couples run into financial disagreement when one person is a spender and the other is a saver. Or one person is great at managing money, while the other one doesn't know how to balance a checkbook.

Money is like a four-letter word in many relationships. Being open about it is half the battle. Start by having a frank discussion about your values and differences when it comes to money. 

• Set long and short-term financial goals. These will give you something to work toward together, rather than just spending month to month with no common goal. 
• Develop a plan for how you will handle finances each month. Assign tasks so that one person isn't in charge of everything, like one person can track the monthly budget while the other one pays the bills each month. 
• Agree to always be honest about your spending. Never hide purchases, but also don't monitor how every dollar is being spent. Determine a personal allowance amount that you can each spend monthly without consulting one another.  

Relationship Killer #4: Not Enough Affection

Once the honeymoon phase ends, you may find you and your partner acting more like roommates than lovers. It's natural for the initial excitement of a relationship to wear off.

• Schedule date time. Bring the romance back by planning regular dates. Actually set a day in your calendar to spend time together, and stick to it. 
• Don't underestimate a hug. Even non-sexual physical touch can reignite the spark in your relationship. Make a point to touch each other more, like giving spontaneous hugs, snuggling on the couch, kissing each other goodbye, etc. 
• Know when to seek help. If physical problems are hindering your sex life, you may need to talk to your doctor or a therapist about solutions, like treatment for erectile dysfunction.

Once you accept that conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, you'll be quicker to deal with issues as they arise in a productive and mature way.

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Online Dating Study Shows Racial Prejudices Can be Easily Altered

Online Dating Study Shows Racial Prejudices Can be Easily Altered

As a graduate student at Harvard University, sociologist Kevin Lewis began working with a data set that tracked something that scientists had never really been able to systematically study: the earliest stages of courtship. By studying interactions in online dating, he could probe human flirtation in its natural environment in unprecedented detail. Who initiates the interaction? Who reciprocates? What happens next?

“This is just something people haven’t been able to do before because our data is on marriages or boyfriends and girlfriends. You have a couple, but you don’t see the back and forth that led to them being a couple,” said Lewis, now an assistant professor of sociology at the University of California, San Diego. “It’s like hanging out at a big nationwide bar and watching who walks up to who and asks to buy them a drink and who gets rebuffed.”

Lewis, working with data from the dating website OkCupid, was especially intrigued by a puzzling pattern in his data. In general, people were very likely to initiate an interaction with someone of their own race. But they were just as likely to respond to a message from a person from another race as their own. And in the week after replying to a person from another race, he found people were more likely to make amorous overtures to someone of another race, Lewis reported Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Lewis’ study wasn’t designed to probe the reason for these differences, but he sees a plausible mechanism in the expectations and biases we all carry around with us. Perhaps people expect rejection if they approach someone with a different racial background, so they do not reach out to those people online. Once flattered by an online advance from a person from a different racial background, however, they may rethink their bias and be more open to trying to initiate romance with people from different backgrounds.

Lewis looked only at the initial interactions between users, and can’t measure whether any of these interactions led to relationships. The increased openness to dating people of other races seems to wear off rather quickly. But Lewis said that the message of his study is an optimistic one—and it may be more broadly applicable than just thinking about racial prejudice in romantic relationships.

“Our own behavior can, in fact, impact the prejudices of others, even if it is a short-term effect,” Lewis said. “It says some degree of the biases we display are based on a false premise. We’re foregoing options because we don’t think the people would be interested in us and the data suggest otherwise.”

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Young Love Isn't That Bad

Young Love Isn't That Bad

YOUNG love. Pretty intriguing, right? What really goes into your mind when young love or young relationship is brought up? You must think that it’s nothing but a distraction and brings nothing good.

Well, can I disagree with that?

Young relationship isn’t all that bad. You can’t judge the whole population of teenagers when you hear on the news that young girls get pregnant. The truth is, not all teenagers are like that. There are only a few out there who tend to forget their limitations.

You can’t just jump directly to a conclusion that when teenagers are in a relationship, they’ll do “it” in a few months. It’s far from that and it’s unfair for those who never thought of it at all.

Being in a relationship isn’t a distraction unless you make it one. Maintaining good grades is still possible if you work hard and be responsible enough. Juggling school work and social life will be a breeze if you know how to set your priorities.

The only hard part is when parents don’t trust us, teenagers, enough to be in an innocent relationship.

So parents, you raised us well, right? You raised us well enough to know that we won’t do anything to destroy our future. All we need is communication and guidance. We need your trust so the more we will trust our self and others.

Parents, when your children are open to you, the more you get to know them. And the more you will understand them.

Most of the teenagers out there like to look at relationships as inspiration - being with someone who cares for you, being with someone you can talk to about everything, and being with someone who makes you smile nonstop.

Of course, I am not encouraging every teenager to engage in a relationship. If you know that you still wouldn’t be able to handle it then don’t rush. There’s really nothing to rush, anyway. We all have our time. We are young and vibrant.

It takes time for a relationship to thrive. I just want to appeal to everyone to stop judging and giving evil glares to young lovers. It’s not fair for them, for us.

Communication, understanding, guidance – these are all we need.

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Dating in the 21st Century From a Woman’s Perspective

Dating in the 21st Century From a Woman’s Perspective

It has been brought to my attention the feeble attempts of the new dating scene on 2013. In hearing about a girl getting taken out– the couple has a good time; the female gets called back after three days and wasn’t asked out on another date– now there goes the friend for the swoop in and reap the benefits of the still available for the snatching female! While the other fellow is kicking himself for not stepping up to the plate, time to clear things up a bit in the dating scene from a female perspective and the insane expectations bestowed upon the gender bender.

In the dating game like in relationships women need reassurance. The whole three-day-waiting game to call her is a pretty moderate time frame for her to get all worried and bothered and super excited when you can, but don’t call if you’re not going to ask her out on another date. And if you want to ask her out again then do it if you want! Don’t wait! The opportunity is probably there and if you find out it’s not, pick up the pride and move on. Because if you wait too long, the woman will more than likely completely drop you off her dating radius; you snooze you lose.

I know it gets old hearing that girls love when a guy opens a door. But we absolutely adore it! There’s a point where a girls expectations becomes a little ridiculous like having you flip the bill every single time you go out, opening her car door for her, cooking her dinner constantly or having to choose the dates every time you go out. Let’s face it. Pampering your lady gets exhausting and insanely expensive for you guys. Not saying you can’t handle it but a break of the expectations would be nice. Would it not?

Number one concern of mine personally is why do we use so much technology in communicating? Aren’t things more upfront and personal if you approach someone to ask them out? Why text them? It’s the most superficial for of caring and communication I have ever encountered. Plus phone calls would take less time and be less annoying than a buzz in your pocket every minute. As a female I appreciate more when my boyfriend calls when he can, than when he texts me every few minutes. Maybe it’s just me, but I also cherish those conversations more than the text messages I receive saying “Yup”. If you can also meet in person, do it! Talk about up close and personal! Body language can tell you more than a phone call or text message can! Try it for once and you might learn something about your date or significant other.

Ladies, it’s a new age I hate to say. Chivalry isn’t 100 percent dead, but maybe if we ladies pitch in every once in a while we wouldn’t have such insane stereotypes of being incapable and dumb. Take your man to that sports game he’s been talking about the last month, take him to a movie, pick his sexy face up on his doorstep and get the door for him. And flip the bill for his favorite restaurant.

Mentioning of restaurants and dates, when someone takes you out don’t order the most expensive meal on the menu! Don’t get that ridiculously priced drink! CONSIDERATION PEOPLE! I have a friend who was taken to a fancy seafood joint, who ordered a salmon dinner with three margaritas and she had no idea why he didn’t call her back. Hello! You stacked his bill higher than his wages in a day’s shift! Take that tip and put it in your pocket. Being aware of your actions can show a lot to a man or a woman.

Dating and relationships are both adventures of give and take and to see if sparks fly. I’m not saying we should have lower expectations, but a more level understanding of how we affect the opposite gender and how we thrive off of one another. If a girl wants to ask a guy out, break down those barriers and try it! Making more of an effort to physically confront one another means more than a phone call or a text and by having high expectations we dig ourselves a massive hole we can barely climb out of. And being aware of one’s means financially and emotionally can go a longer ways than one can comprehend. Good luck in these cold times to find someone to trustingly snuggle up to with some hot cocoa!

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Maintaining a good sex life is difficult when faced with the pressures  of caring for an infant. Picture: Thinkstock Source: ThinkStock

Keep Your Relationship Strong After the Baby

THE birth of a first child can test even the strongest of relationships.

Yes, there's that sheer euphoria that you've created this new human life to which you channel your unconditional love. But is there enough love to go around?

Researchers at the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute in Victoria have been interviewing 1500 new mothers about their sexual health and intimacy as part of a longitudinal study. They found many women reported feeling less physically and emotionally satisfied in their relationship after childbirth and women were largely unprepared for the changes.

"Lifestyle changes associated with having a baby, loss of freedom and loss of time together as a couple are challenges for all new parents and can be overwhelming at times," they wrote. "For some women, motherhood and sexuality are experienced as contradictory roles." And most women said they had sex less often, even after 12 months, compared to before they fell pregnant, with intimacy taking a back seat to the love and energy being poured into their newborn.

Associate Professor Stephanie Brown, head of the Mother Infant Stream at the institute and one of the researchers on the Maternal Health Study, says many women also deal with body image issues which have an impact on their relationship. Breastfeeding was seen as unsexy and the physical recovery from childbirth, tiredness, pain and loss of libido all took their toll.

NOW FISH IN THE USA

"The focus of everybody's attention tends to go to the baby, but you need healthy mothers and healthy fathers to have healthy children," she says. Robin Barker, author of parenting bible, Baby Love (Pan Macmillan), says the birth of a child is one of the most testing times of a relationship.

"A lot of relationships stumble, even the good ones, after the euphoria wears off, but they tend to bounce back again," she says. "As things settle down and everyone gets a bit more sleep and works out how to share the workload, it can potentially create stronger relationships."

Couples who had rocky relationships to begin with tend to find a child only exacerbates the problems. "Everybody goes through hassles," Barker says. "Most, if you love each other and have a good foundation, will sort it out but it takes time. Try and get some time out as a couple and separately."

Anne Hollonds, psychologist and Relationships Australia chief executive, puts it bluntly: "The birth of a first child can be catastrophic to a relationship.

"It sounds dramatic, but it can be. Essentially, there is not enough emotional support to go around because both parents are completely overwhelmed. It's a real test of a partnership."

Relationships Australia runs a seminar called Expect the Unexpected, a health check-up of the relationship before the baby arrives, where couples look at their strengths and weaknesses, build on the strengths and address the weaknesses. Brisbane-based obstetrician and gynaecologist Dr Gino Pecoraro says there is life after a baby

"Things will change. The big thing is they are time poor, their sleep patterns are altered in the first few months and that's a great way to wreck your libido," says Pecoraro. "It's a challenge, but also one of the greatest things to strengthen a relationship. I tell patients their lives will never be the same again, but that this isn't a bad thing."

Some issues that cause tension, says Barker, include lack of sleep, sharing the workload, money and mortgage repayments when a couple switches to a single income, interfering grandparents and sex or the lack thereof.

"Sex is a big issue," says Barker. "It appears from many surveys that men get quite sex deprived. Women tend to not feel like it for a long time and men tend to suffer in silence. Some people go months, even years without; others start again quite early." Obstetricians generally discuss the resumption of a sex life with women at their six-week post-natal check-up. For some it's way too early, for others it's too late.

The Maternal Health Study found 40 per cent of women had attempted to have sex six weeks after birth, and after 12 weeks, that figure had doubled to 81 per cent. Three months after giving birth, tiredness was the most common issue women saw as affecting their sex life, at 88 per cent, followed by lack of time (72 per cent) and pain or tenderness (47 per cent).

NOW FISH IN THE USA

Professor Brown says it's important couples agree on priorities, "whether it's about sex, sleep or caring for the child and working out where sex is in that priority list". "Women could feel guilty because they're depriving their partner of sexual intimacy but when they discuss it with their partner, the partner didn't feel that way at all. It's important to talk about it as a couple."

Sex therapist and author Dr Rosie King says there's nothing like a new baby to disrupt a relationship. "You have to recognise there is a normal lull in sexual activity after a baby is born. Try to keep the relationship going in terms of affection. Be affectionate and loving and keep the goodwill going even if sex is on the backburner."

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For the Love of God, Just Break Up with Him Already!

There is a culture in our relationship-obsessed young women's world that has obfuscated a dark truth: We are so overly focused on fixing our relationships that we have become completely blind to the fact that we're in terrible relationships. We read articles and talk and think for days about how to improve ourselves, our boyfriends and the health of our relationships. We give advice and listen to stories. But all this has inured us to the fact that we're just dating the wrong guy.

Maybe if we actually told our friends this, many of us would have gotten out of relationships we wasted years trying to fix. As friends, we want to be supportive and often we're afraid of taking a stance against a friend's boyfriend, lest he turn into a fiancé and we find ourselves at the worst table at the wedding. But it's become so commonplace, I personally can't keep my mouth shut anymore.

Part of the blame for this is the conventionally accepted wisdom that we're supposed to "work on our relationships." Today, men are expected to change: to communicate and share feelings and compromise with us women. But up until the sixties, if there were problems in a relationship, the woman had to evaluate the relationship, including the problems, because she would have never entertained the hope that her husband might change into a more sensitive, communicative man. Today, we evaluate our relationships and assume we can fix these problems because we're told to talk things out and tell our men what we need from them. But we've ignored the most important part of working at relationships -- determining if we're in the right one.

We as women have deluded ourselves into believing that if we talk things out we can fix things and then we will have just the good portion of our relationship left. I hear friends say all the time, I just need to trust him more, then we'll be great, or once we figure out where to live, our relationship will be perfect, or he makes me so happy, except for [fill in the blank] which we'll fix by communicating better. But there is very little you end up fixing in a relationship. Your relationship very often has the same problems two years from now that you have today. So you need to evaluate your relationship assuming the problem won't be fixed. I'm not saying be pessimistic and forget about trying to work out problems. By all means, try. But suppose things aren't fixed, suppose he still can't deal with you making more money than him, or suppose you two still want to live in different places, or suppose you don't trust him any more than you do now, is this still the relationship you want to be in? Women used to have no choice but to evaluate relationships exactly as they are -- it was essentially an adhesion contract: Take it or leave it. Luckily, there is some room for negotiation these days. We can get men to talk with us and share more, maybe even get a manicure once before they die. But don't let this blind you to the fact that you might just be in a relationship that isn't right or isn't as good as one you could be in with someone else. I've had to give up talking to some of my friends about their relationships because every time I get on the phone with them, they're depressed about the same problems with the same men. And of course they can see fifty possible answers but none of them include the obvious: BREAK UP WITH HIM.

I used to think that finding the right person to be with was about finding the person in the world who makes you the happiest. And that if you achieve that feeling of such complete love and euphoria and bliss with someone, you know you're with the right person. But it turns out, you can even achieve that feeling with the wrong person. The trick is of those people you could potentially love, finding the one who also upsets you the least. I believe finding the right person is about choosing the person who not only makes you feel that euphoric aura of love, but who also doesn't make you cry. And so I give you:

TWELVE SIGNS YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM, yes even if you love him.

1. You Don't Trust Him 

If I hear one more friend tell me how she is learning to rebuild trust with her boyfriend because of some incident with another girl, I'm going to start losing friends. All the time, I hear girls discuss bouncing back from an incident where she went through his phone and found inappropriate texts or facebook messages where he was asking to be [expletive deleted] by another girl or simply obsessing about where he might be, every time she can't get a hold of him. Why are you torturing yourself every moment you are not with your boyfriend because of your lack of trust? There is way too much talk and focus on rebuilding trust. Trust is foundational. If you're in the beginning of a relationship and not married with no kids, you shouldn't be attempting to rebuild it. Just find someone else you don't have to build on a broken foundation with. Get in a relationship with someone you do trust!

2. You Often Feel Compelled to Snoop

You look through his phone call log. You read his text messages. You check his email. And you're never satisfied with what you find. Three weeks later, you're wondering if he's done something recently that he didn't tell you about, so you check again the moment he leaves you in the car with his phone while he's double parked. Worse than that, you blame yourself! You think the reason you do this is your own anxiety or because your Dad cheated on your mom or that you have trust issues and you believe you will be acting like this no matter whom you're in a relationship with. But have you considered that maybe it's not you? It's your relationship with him! Have you thought that perhaps if you are in a relationship with a different man, you might trust him so much that you won't feel compelled to snoop? So what are you waiting for?

3. You Want to Live in Different Places

Our relationship would be perfect, if only we could find a city where we both could have our dream jobs. I have a heard a variation of this for many years. This idea that you have a good, healthy relationship and that the location is just a logistical thing to figure out is a complete fallacy. If you can't both be happy in one location together, you do not have a happy relationship because by definition, one of you will always be in a place that you don't want to be in. Girls in this category are constantly evaluating a fictitious relationship in a dream world. STOP pretending you both are going to live in paradise! If your relationship is only good in the utopian place where you can live in a big city and work on Wall Street and at the same time he can till the soil on his farm far away from city lights, you two are just not meant for each other. If he will only be happy in his country, which is a continent away from the only place you want to work, stop imagining what your relationship would be like when you two are together. You need to start evaluating the relationship as it is -- in a place that actually exists. Logistics can sometime be a sign that you are not meant for each other.

4. You Cry Because of Your Relationship All the Time

You tell everyone you are in a great relationship. You love him and he loves you. But you cry often and easily and because of him. This is a huge sign. How do people miss this? And yet I did, too. It never occurred to me that I was crying because I was in a relationship I shouldn't have been in. I thought I was crying because I needed him to understand me more or we hadn't spent any quality time together or we hadn't had a chance to talk about last week's incident yet. But now, I can count on one hand the number of times my relationship has made me cry. So stop making excuses for why and take this as a sign you need to break up. And don't tell me it's because of your special circumstances -- you're unfulfilled in your job or in a depression or haven't found yourself yet. Wake-up, you're not the first person in the world to go through tough times. If you're crying all the time because of your man, stop telling yourself it's going to be better after the tough times. There will always be tough times. If you're crying over little things like hasn't texted you back, your missing the writing on the wall. Your relationship sucks. Because if it were just the fact that he didn't text you back, it wouldn't make you cry.

5. You Want Him To Have a Different Career

He's an actor/model/musician and he hasn't been paid for anything but waiting tables in eight years and you're hoping the two of you move back to Michigan and that he takes over his Dad's contracting business. Or he's on Wall Street working 100 hours a week and the two of you have imagined a life where he takes a job a 9 to 5 government job. Or your supporting him with two jobs until the brewery he's opening up takes off. Regardless of what it is, if you are imagining your life with him in a way that includes him having a different job, you need to stop fooling yourself. He may never give up on his music career. If you can be in a happy relationship while he's tending bar, enjoy your happy relationship. If your happiness is contingent upon his job changing, accept that you are not in a happy relationship.

6. You Want Him to Be More Thoughtful 

I used to constantly be hoping that my ex would make restaurant reservations. It didn't have to be anything fancy. I just for once wanted him to plan some time with me. Even when every once in a blue moon, he would remember to make reservations like on my birthday, I would still get upset that he only called the day of the dinner. I'd be mad at myself for caring and call myself a spoiled brat. But what I should have accepted was that it wasn't that I need a boyfriend to make reservations for dinner, it was indicative of how thoughtful and considerate he was of me in his life. Now, I could care less if my boyfriend makes reservations at a restaurant. Often he does well in advance, sometimes he doesn't and sometimes he makes them the day of. But he is constantly doing things that are thoughtful and considerate, so that if he doesn't make restaurant reservations, I could care less. If you go into birthdays and Valentine's Day hoping he will break the mold and do something special and then you get upset when he doesn't, you're not being superficial. You're hoping for something special because you feel ignored and under-appreciated all year. Find a guy who is thoughtful the entire year and you'll stop wasting all your energy hoping against hope that he'll finally prove how much he does care about you.

7. You Want Him to Compliment You More

You wish he complimented how you looked or told you why he loved you or just generally commented on everything you do for him. I used to constantly ask my ex to tell me he thought I looked pretty or liked the new dress I bought or that he was still attracted to me. These things are especially hard to give over time, and if you're twenty years into marriage I think this is a normal problem. But it should come easily early on. It's hard for the same man to make a woman feel desired over a long period of time. However, if you've only been dating a year or even a few and this is problematic, it's not going to get better. Early on, he should make you feel like there is no one in the world he desires more than you. And early on is longer than just the first time you sleep together. If this isn't good in the beginning, it's hard to see it ever getting better so ask yourself if you can accept his current level of compliment offerings and still be happy.

8. You Want Him to Be a Different Kind of Man

I have a good friend that went through a divorce at age 29. It's especially sad because in my opinion it could have been avoided. He came from a blue blood east coast background where men don't talk about how they feel. She was from a ribald Latino California family and she needed him to talk to her. Especially when their relationship underwent a lot of stress. She desperately needed him to communicate and even after therapy he still couldn't. She kept saying to me, "our relationship would be perfect if I could just get him to talk to me more and tell me how hard it is for me." But she never did. Because she couldn't get him to be a different type of person. If you're saying things are good except I need him to be different, things are not good. It's not meant to be.

9. You Want Him to Prioritize You More

If he acts like his job comes first and you're not okay with that, no amount of communicating with him will improve this. I notice this especially among people in their early twenties. Men are less likely to put their relationship in front of their careers, especially on the early side of 25. And yet most women in relationships need to feel like they are the number one priority in their man's life. This creates obvious dissatisfaction and can breed contempt for your partner. You have a right to be the most important thing in your partner's life. If he doesn't like that, it may be because you're not the most important thing in his life, regardless of what he says on occasion.

10. You Want Him to Enjoy the Things (or Even Any One Thing) That You Enjoy

You like to go surfing or hiking or on a bike ride. He likes to stay in and watch Seinfeld re-runs. You can easily love a person you have nothing in common with, and although it's true that opposites attract, research suggests that similarities are what make for a good relationship that can withstand the test of time. As passion dies, most couples will be left with a friendship. Friendships are hard to sustain if you don't enjoy the same activities. Telling yourself that he will learn to love to exercise or cook or leave the house is giving you a myopic view of the relationship you are in now. If he continues to only enjoy the things he enjoys now, is this still the relationship you want to be in?

11. You Don't Orgasm During Sex and He Has No Idea

You have sex. Often, in fact. He says it's the best sex he's ever had and tells his friends you have a great sex life. You tell him the same. Except that is a complete lie. You rarely, if ever, orgasm from your sex with him. It's not that it's bad. It's just that if you told him you needed your vibrator or your own hand in order to orgasm, he'd be so offended and it would be so damaging to his manhood and he'd be so crestfallen that your relationship would never recover. So you don't say anything. And you settle into a routine of faking every single orgasm and he has no clue. If you fake the majority of the time, it's not just that your sex is bad, it may be that your relationship is rotten, too.

12. You Are Staying in This Relationship Mainly for Premium Cable

Yes, HBO is expensive. I get that you can't afford to double your cable bill and that your boyfriend has every channel under the sun, but no television show, not even Game of Thrones,is worth your soul. So if every time you start thinking about breaking up with your beau you start considering your addiction to Girls and how you'll never find out what happens with Adam, let it go. If you need to ask him for his HBO Go password first, do it already. Premium channels do not a relationship make.

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