Showing posts with label fish2fishdating. Show all posts

Monday, 2 November 2015

Is He Emotionally Unavailable Or Is He Just Not That Into You?

Being In Love With An EUM Isn't Easy But There Are Ways To Beat Him At His Own Game

Through my coaching practice, I have been seeing and helping so many women dealing with what they think as emotional unavailability in a man. In fact I just wrote an ebook dealing with this very pertinent issue: how to date emotionally unavailable guys and come out on top. I have been pleasantly surprised by the response so far. So many women come out of the woodwork and share with me their heartbreaking stories of dealing with guys who can't or won't commit or move the relationship to the next level. Or guys who can't even label the relationship! (And the good news some have already turned it around by practicing my Feminine Magnetism tools and principles).

Sounds familiar to you? Read on....

Falling For Mr. Unavailable? Follow These Rules

First of all, how do you know if he's really emotionally unavailable or if he's just a little guarded because he's not ready to plunge in both feet or, worse still, he's just emotionally unavailable to you or in other words he's just not that into you?

Here's Why He Lies About His Actual Feelings For You

Second, if he's not ready, will he be ready one day and when he's ready he will pick you as the one? Will you just waste time with such guys? Will you feel used or feel like a temporary filler until something better comes along and then and only then he will dump you?

Third, if he's truly emotionally unavailable, is there a cure to it and should you just accept it or move on to a greener pasture?

My advice is, first of all, don't freak out or give up just because he's not ready. Yet don't pine or over-invest either. There are ways to do it right and safe to your heart. This relationship will in fact heal you from your own unreadiness and/or emotional unavailability that you are not even aware of. This relationship will prepare you for the real deal with the real man who deserves you -either him or someone BETTER! When you are ready, the right man will find and claim you. That has been my experience.

Let's explore each point separately.

Is He Really Emotionally Unavailable?

How do you know if a guy is truly into you? Generally speaking, when a man is into a woman, it doesn't take much for her to feel that. He will show efforts, initiate, take you out, love to touch, hug, kiss and make out with you, make you feel special, call/text, compliment you, etc. If you have to ask then it's either he's giving you conflicting messages or he's not. But why would a man give conflicting messages? Here are some of the reasons:

He's Really That Into You, He's Just Not Ready

1. He likes you but he's not looking for relationship for whatever reasons and he doesn't want to lead you on so he has to blow hot and cold (this is one of the reasons why men pull away).

2. He likes you enough to want to explore things with you, yet he's discouraged or scared by your over enthusiasm or (perceived) clinginess so he needs to back off every now and then to dampen your eagerness.

3. He's just playing the field and he's probably in a relationship of some kind with another woman already!

4. He loves the sex and he really doesn't want anything more than a casual relationship in which sex is the center...in other words you are a just f*ckbuddy or a booty call....ouch!

5. He just wants to be friend with benefits with you. He loves and values the friendship and the sex is great but he doesn't have the emotional capacity to make it more serious than that. Or simply, he's just not up for the obligations, expectations and responsibility of a relationship at this very moment.

Will He Ever Be Ready And Pick Me When He Is?

Sometimes we are in a situation in which having a relationship is not our priority. It could be because that we have just recently been out of a long-term relationship ourselves or we are having enough on our plate. You don't think those aren't good enough excuses but they are!

After my the split from my husband of 4.5 years, it took about 4 years for me to feel really right about entering a new relationship with both feet. I've been analyzing my own unreadiness and this is for the same reason why many guys are scared of commitment: the fear of being stuck in a dysfunctional or mediocre relationship in which you will keep plowing since you have invested much in it knowing it won't make much difference in the end after all.

How To Seduce A Man With Your Feminine Mystique

If you have been burned before, whether you realize it or not you'll be much more careful next time because the heart does get scared to get stung again. It really is a natural reaction to most people.

And it's the mediocre relationship one has to be most afraid of, it is the one in which it's too good to leave, but too bad to stay. You are stuck in your comfort zone and potentially waste years of your life. And at my age (I'm in my 40's), I don't have any more year to waste on waiting a relationship to run its course, especially since I'm still not giving up hope for a family.

Another thing is the obligations, expectations and responsibility of a relationship aren't the ones to be taken lightly because when one's heart isn't fully in it, the potential for drama and hurting the other person -and ourselves in the process- is high and real.

So, unreadiness is real. It's not just an excuse. Don't blast him for not being ready at this very moment.

The Real Reasons Why He Disappeared On You

Back to the question: will he ever be ready and when he is will he pick you instead of another woman? The answer is yes and yes, both CAN happen as my client Mikaila has proven through applying my methods.

My ex wasn't ready when we first met. He displayed every sign of emotional unavailability in the book but he didn't want to lose me so he made us a couple 1.5 years after we met and married me a year later.

So anything is possible.

But what if he doesn't?

If you are a high-value woman, you won't worry about these things because:

You won't invest more than he does.
You won't make him a priority when you are only an option to him.
You will still be dating around or accepting dates as long as he's not ready to commit or call you a girlfriend.
You are so irresistibly secure that any man who has a chance to spend a good amount of time with you and find your company enjoyable will have a very hard time to let you go. He will at least respect you so much that he won't be so much less inclined to make a pastime out of you. You'll be the type of woman any man seeks for commitment because you understand men and their fears and validate them so they don't have to resist you in any way, shape or form.

Is There A Cure To Emotional Unavailabilty?

Falling For Mr. Unavailable? Here Is The Cure

Some people are truly emotionally unavailable. That means they can't be emotionally available to anyone, no matter how great he/she is. It might have been to do with childhood traumas or upbringing or there are some other psychological damages that cause them unable to connect with another person on a deeper level. This can be temporary or permanent.

If you have established that he is truly emotionally unavailable, it is up to you what to do. Can you accept him the way he is with the amount of intimacy and emotional expressions he's able to give you? Can you be contented with the little you have in terms of passion and affection? If not, it's time to move on to the greener pasture.

What Is A High-Value Woman And How To Become One So He Can't Resist Committing To You?

Am I Just Being Used For Sex?

The number one concern among women will be a relationship of convenience, i.e. a casual relationship in which she invests more than he does yet she feels she benefits less than he does, mainly because he has all the sex he wants and she gets very little in return in terms of security and commitment.

And to a woman security is everything, while to a man his freedom, independence and autonomy come first.

Let me tell you something, the more you are relaxed about sex, the more alluring you become. By that I'm not saying: be promiscuous or sleep with any man you date. And for sure relationship based on convenience does happen as I can personally attest but if you have faith in your own value as a woman that worry can be minimized.

For most guys, though sex is important they will rarely come back for more for an extended period of time (say more than a few encounters) unless they truly like you.

Why? It's just not worth it in the end since most know that nothing comes free in the end. The potential of drama and hurt feelings far surpass the benefits of having regular "easy" sex. And it's even more so if the woman constantly puts them on alert of the status of the relationship.

Most men understand there is virtually no NSA (no string attached) sex after a certain amount of time has passed. When she begins to show signs uf discomfort of the lack of clarity of the relationship, most men will quickly leave the scene unless they really like her. And if she has been somewhat a nag and yet he's still around, obviously he likes her more than just sex.

So while this notion isn't foolproof by any means, that should enable you to relax a bit about the notion of "being used" which is a phrase that only women with lack of self-esteem and self-confidence will use. A high-value woman feels secure and confident about her desirability simply on the virtue of that she has faith in herself, if nothing else.

How To Use Texting To Inspire Him To Romance You Again Like The First Time You Met

My book explains in detail what you can do to avoid relationship of convenience that will waste years of your (reproductive) life but in a nutshell:

1. As a woman, you should lean back which means you let him lead and put in efforts/invest in the relationship. When a woman rows the boat, she is creating a fertile ground for convenience relationship to flourish because many guys will gladly enjoy the ride when they don't have to extend any effort.

2. Mirror him. When he comes to you, you come to him. When he pulls away, you pull back too, even further sometimes.

3. Don't give/invest more than he does. The more you give or do things for him, the more you are invested in him and the relationship. Give him a chance to reciprocate and step up his game by leaning back. It doesn't mean you give to expect something in return. It means if he doesn't reciprocate you can at least judge his level of interest toward you. Men who are into a woman will do at least something from time to time to make her happy.

4. Don't stop dating others. The more focused you are toward one guy -with whom you have regular sex- the more you will be hormonally and emotionally hooked on him, the more vulnerable you become. I'm not saying you should have sex with every guy you date, but keeping your options open and your schedule full with social activities and other interested men will keep you grounded and sane throughout.

So ready to learn more? If you are currently dating an emotionally unavailable man and you feel vulnerable, please grab my book now and turn your love life around by being a high-value woman that men seek for commitment.

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Sunday, 20 September 2015

I Think My Partner Is Cheating -- Now What?

"Most of us think we would never cheat..........Think again. It can happen to you, It can happen to your partner.
My advice is ......don't even go there. The grass always looks greener, but guess what ... it isn't. So think very carefully before you take that step!
If you think your partner is cheating, hold back with the confrontation until you have hard core evidence." - Susan Watts

I Think My Partner Is Cheating -- Now What?

The signs are there. You suspect your partner is cheating and having a cyber, emotional or physical affair. You might be feeling betrayed, hurt and unsure of how to proceed. Your natural impulse is probably to immediately confront your partner and let them have it. However, a word to the wise: Stop and take a deep breath! Don't make any accusations until you have concrete evidence to make your case and secure a confession.

Here's why: When first confronted about the affair, your partner may clam up, deny and deceive you further to protect themselves from the fallout. They fear being abandoned, punished or rejected if the truth is discovered. They fear losing control and being forced to change. They may also want to protect you from being hurt.

So what is the best way to proceed?

As a relationship therapist and author of a book on this topic, here's my best advice: If your goal is to get to the truth, make sure you have the 4 P's covered -- Proof, Preparation, Purpose & Plan -- before talking to your partner.

Here's what you need to know and do:

1. Have proof.

You must have tangible proof of the infidelity, such as a text, email or voicemail message, a private detective's report, a piece of clothing you found that doesn't belong to you or even photographs -- something that you can produce as indisputable evidence.

Without proof, you will look (or be treated) like a distrusting fool at best and, at worst, you will ensure that your cheating partner learns to cover their tracks better.

Proof will also help you plow through your own denial. When we love and want to trust someone, it can create huge blind spots in our ability to see the truth. Let's face it, to hear your partner admit that he or she has cheated on you hurts to the core. However, the truth can also be the doorway to a better and healthier relationship on the other side.

The more proof you possess, the greater the chance you'll have to get your partner to come clean.

Only when you have PROOF can you proceed.

2. Be prepared.

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail." -Benjamin Franklin

Don't be surprised if your partner gets defensive, adamantly denying any and all wrongdoing and dismissing everything (i.e. "We're just good friends, that's all," "We're not having sex, so what's the big deal?" or "Lighten up. It was just a totally harmless text.")

When it comes to emotional or cyber infidelity where no physical intimacy has occurred, the boundaries are blurrier. It is often easy for the betrayer to deceive themselves (and you) into thinking their behavior is meaningless and harmless. Their denial may be even more defensive or aggressive.

Cheaters often use distraction as a tactic to deflect the truth by claiming you're being irrational or paranoid. They may even blame you for the time they were spending with someone else, claiming they needed a supportive friend because you were dropping the ball in the relationship by not providing something your partner needed or wanted.

The bottom line is, do your homework and be prepared. DON'T be surprised by your partner's reaction and DON'T lose your cool.

3. Know your purpose.

The purpose is to get the truth by getting your partner to confess. Once you have a confession and know what's really going on, you can work at a solution.

To do this, you must approach your partner in a rational, non-threatening way that alleviates your partner's fear instead of aggravating it. The intention is to get your partner to respond in a way that is forthright and honest.

Keep affirming to yourself... "I feel calm. I am safe. I can handle this. I want the secretiveness to stop. I'm in charge here and I'm going to get to the bottom of this."

4. Make a plan.

"If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up someplace else." -Yogi Berra

Make a plan to confront your partner and discuss the affair without interruptions. Choose the time and place carefully, then present the evidence one piece at a time.

It is very important to remain calm, no matter how much you may want to inflict physical harm on your cheating partner! Don't get me wrong, wanting to vent is healthy and necessary. In fact, it is essential to your own healing, as well as, the healing of your relationship that you are able to express your emotions.

However, getting upset, accusing, attacking, or name-calling will put your partner on the defensive and not help you get to the truth.

Remaining calm, cool, and collected is key to getting to the truth. Have a plan for how you'll deal with your anger and frustration when these emotions come up. The more calmly you deal with the truth, the more your partner will tell you the truth.

Do a personal check-in and make sure that you are emotionally prepared for the outcome of the discussion.

When the answer is "Yes! I'm ready!", here's what to do next:

Think Conversation, NOT Confrontation

First, remember to do everything you can humanly do to stay calm so that you can approach your partner in a diplomatic, non-combative way. A good way to start the conversation is to talk about yourself and start each sentence with "I" instead of "you." This will help your partner be less reactive.

Second, phrase the problem in a non-judgmental way by stating, "Something I discovered is upsetting me. I'm concerned (sad, hurt, frustrated) and I'd like to talk with you about it." This will maximize your chances of being heard and ultimately getting the truth.

Lastly, once your partner starts to open up, don't bombard him or her with questions. Studies show that people shut down, become defensive and lie when asked too many pointed questions (i.e. Who were you with? Why did you lie? How could you do this to me?). Know that this is an ongoing, unfolding discussion and everyone needs to come out of the shock and denial first. Listen carefully to your partner's responses so you can accurately assess the situation and keep the conversation going.

It helps to think of this conversation as a way to come together to understand and discuss what went wrong and what you can do about it now. Keep insisting: "I love you. I want our relationship to work. This has got to stop. This is what I need." If you can approach your partner with an expressed desire to use their confession for good-to ultimately improve your relationship-the conversation will be far more fruitful.

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Should Flirting Over Instant Message Be Considered G-Cheating?
Once A Cheater Always A Cheater: Science Says Cheating Is Repetitive

Sunday, 30 August 2015

11 Things Guys Secretly Do With Their Penises

"To all you guys out there....I found this hilarious especially after the man in my life told me that he had been known to use his as a make believe gear shift !! Dare I ask if anybody can beat this"?

- Susan Watts

11 Things Guys Secretly Do With Their Penises

We basically treat it like a Bop-It.

A man having a penis is like if you grafted a feather wand onto a cat's pelvis. We walk around all day, fascinated and playing with it absentmindedly. Here are all the things guys secretly try with their penises.

1. Bend it TO ITS EXTREME POINT. A flaccid penis is basically like having a slinky in your pants.

2. Stretch it. We have pulled it until it hurt just to see how far it can go. It's not like we decide it's time to do penis stretches whenever we're alone, but we've attempted this once.

3. Flick it. It's pretty funny to flick an erection. Alternatively, bend it back to our stomachs and let it spring forward.

4. Try and fit it in things. If you have a penis you're going to see what it does (or more importantly, doesn't) fit into. Paper towel rolls, wide-mouth Snapple bottles, etc. The less it can fit into, the better you feel.

5. Make a hotdog with our balls. You can wrap your balls onto either side of your penis and it basically forms a genital hotdog. This is funny.

6. Measure it. It is impossible to have a penis without taking a tape measurer to it. We need to know the number.

7. Just hold it, ever so gently. All the time. Just walking around the house doing chores and holding our penis. Holding our penis while driving (not illegal). Pretty much anything we can do with one hand, we'll use the other hand to hold our penis.

8. Tuck it behind our legs. Hahaha, hey! Now we're a lady!

9. Try and put it in our butt. JUST TO SEE IF WE CAN! WE DON'T, LIKE, ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT, OK?

10. Look into it. Do I have to go into more detail here?

11. Move it without using our hands. With a lot of focus and a raging erection, we can make it dance around. It's surprisingly exhausting though.

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Saturday, 29 August 2015

It’s A Sickness: 5 Reasons Why Jealousy Is Like Swallowing Poison

Have you ever felt the wrath of jealousy? That feeling in the pit of your stomach that won’t quit?

Perhaps, you’ve read too deep into your partner’s actions or just don’t like that one particular girl/guy hanging around your loved one. One thing for sure is that jealousy is like swallowing your “enemy’s” poison.

There’s not much worse in a relationship than good old jealousy.

It sparks arguments and mistrust. It makes you think twice about everyone’s actions and behavior. Sure, sometimes jealousy is your gut’s red flag, saying, “Something just isn’t right here.”

But most of the time, it’s poison. Here are the top reasons why jealousy sucks:

1. Jealousy looks bad on you.

There is nothing more unattractive than someone walking into a room and shooting dirty looks at you because he or she feels jealous. It brings tension to the air, and it just looks trashy.

Having self-respect, self-esteem and holding yourself with poise is way classier and more attractive.

Don’t let anyone drag you into the gutter. You are more than that.

2. Jealousy gives the enemy power.

Being angry about a woman/man your loved one has to interact with just adds anxiety and frustration to a relationship.

And the funny thing about it is it can backfire.

If your partner is constantly stressed out about a jealous significant other, he or she may have that strange urge to talk about it. And who knows who the person your partner will choose to confide in may be…

3. Jealousy makes sure you’re the one suffering.

Being jealous feels pretty sh*tty. You, alone, stuck with the same troubling and hurtful thoughts. No one can feel those emotions but you.

And the truth is, no one has to change their behavior for you either. You can’t control people’s actions.

At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to change.

4. Jealousy allows your fears to manifest.

There is such a thing as thinking something will happen and then it happens.

Part of the reason is because you expect it to happen, so you act according to those thoughts as though they were the truth.

Expecting someone to cheat doesn’t mean you are responsible for their cheating, but it doesn’t help them wanting to stay with you if you don’t trust them.

5. Jealousy makes your partner feel trapped.

Having a partner who questions your every move is unhealthy and miserable. Slowly, it makes your significant other want to pack his or her bags and run for the hills.

Who wants a helicopter flying overhead all day? Who wants to be stressed about how everything will “look?” Who wants to feel so stuck that they end up questioning their own motives?

Unfortunately, I’ve been on all ends of this spectrum. I’ve been jealous; I’ve had the overwhelmingly jealous partner, and I’ve had dirty looks from other women.

I’ve come full circle. And I have to say I choose to stay out of that circle as much as possible.

At the end of the day, you have to make a choice: Do you want to live life feeling afraid, angry and not trusting your partner? Or do you want to move on, be happy and feel secure?

If you are truly jealous, think long and hard about what’s triggering it. If there is something not right going on with your partner, then it comes down to a choice you have to make.

Either talk it out in a way that doesn’t make your partner defensive, hurt or angry, or leave that partner because the trust just isn’t there.

There are other alternatives to jealousy. You can turn that wasted energy from negative to positive and transfer it to something else. Think about how lucky you are to have a guy/girl someone else might wish they had.

Be proud and trust your partner to take care of him or herself in this world. If your partner needs your help, he or she will ask.

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Friday, 28 August 2015

The Right Way to Tell Your Partner You're Into Kinky Sex

There's a fine art to introducing your new sex partner to your kinks. Showing up with an armful of paddles and chains without a word is more than likely to freak them (or anyone) the fuck out. "You should think of it like easing into a cold pool," recommends sex expert Dr. Ian Kerner. Take it slow; no need to make them feel like they're in the middle of a Rihanna video the first time you start experimenting.

Keep in mind, though, no one should be put in a situation where they're not enjoying themselves. "To do things in the bedroom that one doesn't want to do, that's a formula for resentment and a deterioration of your sex life," says Dr. William Picker, a sex therapist with a BDSM subspecialty. If your partner's not into it after following this handy guide, don't push it. They might just not be the right sex partner for you.

1. Figure out what your kinks even are. Understanding not just what turns you on, but how and why it turns you on, can get your partner excited about trying something they're not used to. Plus you're going to need to be able to explain that stuff to your partner when you're blindfolded with your hands tied to the headboard. You can even write up a script to practice. "Any good sex life involves communication between the partners in terms of how one thinks about it and how they actually enjoy it," says Picker.

2. Start with hypotheticals. Start off slow and make it sexy and enticing for your partner. "You're expressing the 'deep end' when you discuss the fantasy," says Kerner, "instead of the 'shallow end.'" Kerner recommends presenting your kink as a dream you had in which you and your partner were acting on these desires, and see how he or she responds. It takes a bit of the pressure off, and talking about the fantasy in a hypothetical way removes any judgment from the discussion.

3. Use pop-culture references. If you want to get all BDSM-lite on your partner, start leaving Fifty Shades of Grey around the bedroom, and reference it in your convo, suggests Dr. Jane Greer, New York-based marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. Kerner recommends seeking out porn that explores your particular kink to watch together. Having a book or movie bring up the topic for you can be an easier way to gauge your partners reaction. If they say, "I would never do that, I think it's awful and embarrassing," you can easily be like, "Haha me neither and also we're breaking up. Bye!" No harm done.

4. Sneak little bits of kink into regular sex. Kerner and Greer both recommend demonstrating some of the lighter aspects of your kink to your partner during a regular sex romp — but that doesn't mean handcuffing them without warning, or busting out some hot wax. "Arousal has a way of naturally lowering your inhibitions and it releases a chemical cocktail that loosens you up," explains Kerner. Some light spanking or dirty talk (probably) won't kill your partner's sex drive on the spot, even if they're a little confused right away. Just don't get carried away.

5. Give your partner something to do. Giving your partner instructions and telling them why you love seeing them do it can be extra encouraging. "When a man tells his girlfriend he wants to have a threesome, she might think, 'Oh, he just wants to get in bed with another woman.' The reality of it may be that he finds it stimulating to see her pleasured," says Kerner. Even if you think he finds your fantasy daunting, making it about him can be empowering and make him more receptive.

6. Show them how much you love it. "During really good sex, the idea of the giver or receiver loses meaning," says Picker. "The act of doing and experiencing one's partner's pleasures is, by absolute definition, pleasure as well." Even your partner can't get into your kink, they might still get off on knowing you're getting off. When you're introducing them to it for the first time, be vocal and show them how hot it makes you.

7. Be open to new stuff. Just because you're into serious punishment and your partner isn't, doesn't necessarily mean your sex life is doomed. Instead, try to find a similar kink that you're both into. "I think everyone has experiences with pain as potentially pleasurable," says Picker. "Pain of being bit by a mosquito only to have the pleasure of scratching. Delay of orgasm can be a version of punishment. Even vanilla people can participate in a little bit of teasing, which is a kind of pain." You might not be able to get your partner to hogtie you and spank you, but if you can both get off on a little blindfolded role play, you're in good shape.

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Thursday, 27 August 2015

4 Fun Ways to Style Your Pubic Hair

Because why not?

When it comes to your pubic hair, gone are the days of the traditional bikini line wax or even the full Brazilian. “The trend now is ‘anything goes,’” says Alley Laundry, a waxing expert at Parissa Laboratories, who has been waxing for, as she puts it, “a million years” and has seen every trend and strange request you can think of (like the woman who wanted to shape her pubes into a dinosaur

“Over the decades, there was the 1970s disco bush, then very tailored in the ‘80s and ‘90s, which then escalated into the Brazilian of the ‘00s,” says Laundry. “Now, there’s much more acceptance for whatever style you want.” So embrace that sea change with some of the fun ideas below (and a word to the wise—for most of these, you’re going to want to visit a pro for best results!).

Make Like the French

Yep, even their pubic hair is chic. “A French-style wax mimics the French bikini, with the bottoms that ride high on the hips with a narrow crotch,” says Laundry. “The style gives you a very thin line.” It’s a little wider than a landing strip (a small patch of hair that usually starts at your natural hairline and ends just above your clitoris), but without any worries about hair sticking out of your suit since the majority of your fuzz will be removed (one thing to note: a French bikini wax doesn't include removal of hair around your butt). Oui oui.

Customize with the New Brazilians

“Women use so many different terms now that I have to clarify with each one before I start waxing,” says Laundry. “They’ll ask for a half Brazilian, full Brazilian, the mohawk, the Bermuda triangle, and I have to understand exactly what they’re expecting.” The labels have become meaningless at this point, so feel free to customize precisely what you want. Full waxing of the “undercarriage” area, along your anus and bottom of your labia, while leaving a little tuft on top? Not a single hair in sight? Go for it. Or try the “full-bush Brazilian,” which clears out any hair your partner would have to tussle with during oral sex (just leaving the top of your labial hair intact).

Try a Shape

Aside from the aforementioned dinosaur, Laundry creates all kinds of pubic pictures. Her advice, though, is to keep it extremely simple. “It's not exactly a giant canvas,” she says. “The design has to be cute and small.” She has created arrows, lightning bolts, and martini glass shapes for her customers.

Another potentially simple shape is a letter of the alphabet, so it might be fun to monogram yourself—or mark your lady parts with your partner’s initials for an anniversary or birthday. “Some are harder than others,” says Laundry, who once had a difficult time trying to make “DZ” happen—too many angles.

Dye Your Bush a New Color

There are several kits that help you color your pubes at home, like the Betty Beauty products, which feature auburn, blonde, black, brown, and even, yes, hot pink. Of course, salons can also help you get the down-there effect you want. Laundry has seen many a wedding special when it comes to colors. “I’ve worked with several brides who waxed off everything except a heart shape on their mound, which they then bleached and dyed pink.” Something borrowed, something pink, something waxed, something bleached...

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What Guys Really Think About Your Pubic Hair

A new study surveyed men on down-there 'dos

We seriously doubt any guy would retreat if he came to find you had the “wrong” downstairs hairstyle, but a new study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine shows that most men prefer hair-free lady parts.

For the study, researchers asked 1,110 college-aged men and women how they maintained their pubic hair, the reasons behind their styles, and how they preferred their sexual partners groom down below.

It turns out, the vast majority of both men and women keep things tidy down there: Ninety-five percent of the study participants had trimmed or removed at least some of their pubic hair in the past four weeks. Meanwhile, half of women and one in five men said they typically went hair-free. Both men and women were more likely to groom if they expected to receive oral sex soon.

Of the bushy minority (the five percent who didn’t groom), the overwhelming majority was guys. Most of the men surveyed said that, in the past four weeks, they had either trimmed a bit or just let their hair go wild.

Funny—since 60 percent of the men surveyed preferred their partners to be hair-free. The remaining guys said they liked their partner to have some down-there hair, were up for several styles, or flat-out said it didn’t matter to them. (For the record, women were pretty much split four ways between preferring dudes hair-free, partially shaved/waxed, trimmed but without any actual hair removal, and not caring one way or another.)

“These results suggest pubic hair removal patterns and preferences are related to gender norms and reflect how the beauty ideal can vary by gender,” says lead study author Scott M. Butler, Ph.D., M.P.H., assistant director of the School of Health and Human Performance at Georgia College.

Hence why, if you are going to de-hair your nether region, the best reason to do so is because it's your preference, says Butler, who notes that some women said they waxed because it made them feel clean and made sex more comfortable. And on the flip side, if you squirm at the thought of having an aesthetician between your legs or don't feel like breaking out a razor on the regular, that’s totally cool, too.

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Wednesday, 26 August 2015

How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex, Death and Everything in Between

Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com

How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex, Death and Everything in Between

While some topics are hard to discuss and might make you uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean your children need to be sheltered.

I lie to my kid constantly. I tell her the store is closed in the middle of the day, when I don’t want to go. I will say, “I have no idea where that chocolate cookie went,” when I know exactly where it went — in my mouth. I’ve even been known to suggest that there are magic green beans, and if she eats enough of them, she might grow into a giant with fairy wings.

Knowledge is empowerment. Even though some topics are hard to discuss and might make you uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean your children need to be sheltered. When kids express curiosity in a subject, there is a way to talk about these issues in an appropriate and upfront way, yet not crush their innocence in the process.

When my 3-year-old asked me how babies are made, I told her. I didn’t go into graphic detail, but I answered her questions honestly. After hearing the information she took a minute then asked, “So you know Sally that goes to my school? So her dad put his penis in her mom’s vagina? Then sperm came out, and got all scrambled with her mom’s eggs, and Sally lived in her mom’s tummy until she was born from her vagina? That’s happened with all my friends?”

Did I consider that maybe my daughter would tell little Sally about her dad putting his penis in her mom’s vagina? Not until that moment. Sally’s mom and dad might have frowned upon me, but guess what? It didn't happen, so I can still go to PTA meetings with my head held high.

Same-sex marriage was a 30-second conversation that went like this. “So boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls? That means some kids get to have TWO MOMMIES!? They are so lucky!” Now all her My Little Ponies are gay-married.

Death is a huge part of life, and if we hide it from our kids, we set them up for a major existential crisis. The more you fear death, the more tortured you will be by the inevitable fate of us all. I live on a farm, so we have a lot of firsthand familiarity. First off, I have a cat who is most likely part of a cult. She brings us mice after ceremoniously eviscerating them, and then strews their body parts across the house creating a variety of mandalas. This has ignited many talks about the circle of life, and how all creatures eventually die; that death is nothing to fear, but a reminder to appreciate life. My now 5-year-old will peacefully play next to a mouse head, and wait patiently for me to find rubber gloves to cart away the carcass.

Every year we house baby turkeys who eventually become Thanksgiving dinner. After a few years of holding the tiny birds, my daughter decided she didn't want to eat turkey anymore. She is making her own informed decisions about consumption through her actual experiences. I am not enforcing any value system, but rather exposing her to the reality, and she is free to make her own choices.

We have talked at length about drugs and addiction, because I think any parent who doesn’t exclusively feed their child bark, deals with the obsession with sugar. What does it mean to crave sugar? Why does she always want ice cream when she is bored? What is it she is trying to fill with that kind of stimulus? We have conscious conversations about these issues, because many of us spend our grownup lives looking for outside substances to fill the void. How do we find balance between enjoyment and excess? Sugar is the first drug kids experiment with, and for most of them, it won’t be the last. The earlier we start asking these questions, the sooner we can dissect and understand our own motivations. I’m not saying she can never indulge, but it’s important to have awareness of what’s driving that desire.

My daughter and I talk about politics, police brutality, racism, global warming, the extinction of animals, and more. She is forming her own opinions of the world through my disclosures of reality. She believes humans who hunt endangered animals should go to jail, Wall Street should be less greedy and learn to share, and policemen need to remember their job is to protect people and not hurt them. Her solution for discrimination is to remember that we are all one family of people, and she is perplexed by sexism — although she is kind of sexist herself because she believes boys are yucky. The most socially aware and active adults are the ones wh o are knowledgeable and have a clear understanding of their worldview. Why not start when they’re young? You’d be surprised by how wise your kid is. Like mine, who has unequivocally concluded that sex is just plain silly.

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Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Is Your Smartphone Ageing Your Face Prematurely?

Is Your Smartphone Ageing Your Face Prematurely? 5 Maladies of the Digital Era

"Text neck" is for real.

Face it, we’re all addicted to our electronic devices. You might know a few lonely holdouts, determined to stay detached and live off the grid, but their numbers are diminishing. Most of us are living in an ever more wired world, dependent on instantaneous communication and information, and at a panicky loss when we can’t find our smartphones.

No one wants to hear it, but we’re paying a steep price for this behavior. Our tech habits are laying ruin to our physical and mental health and abilities. Being aware of the possible pitfalls is your first line of defense against premature aging, aches and diminished brain capacity. That and unplugging more often. Here are five digital maladies you should be aware of.

You see them everywhere. Teenagers, middle-aged commuters, grocery shoppers of all ages, hunched over small objects they gaze at like little miracles, their necks jutting forward and down at an oddly excruciating angle. And they just stay there, seemingly frozen, unaware.

These are the legions of people giving themselves “text neck,” a thoroughly modern condition that can lay ruin to one's neck and spine. People are hunched over smartphones, engrossed in text conversations, checking Facebook, returning emails, Instagramming photos, unaware that they are putting immense strain on their necks and spines that will plague them for a lifetime.

The head is heavy under the best of circumstances, a weighty 12-pound object to support. Your neck and spine work tirelessly to hold it up it and are well set up to do so. Or they were, until smartphones came along and gave everyone incentive to cock their heads forward at an unnatural angle, for hours on end.

As the Washington Post explains it:

1. Text Neck

… as the neck bends forward and down, the weight on the cervical spine begins to increase. At a 15-degree angle, this weight is about 27 pounds, at 30 degrees it’s 40 pounds, at 45 degrees it’s 49 pounds, and at 60 degrees it’s 60 pounds.

That’s the burden that comes with staring at a smartphone — the way millions do for hours every day, according to research published by Kenneth Hansraj in the National Library of Medicine. The study will appear next month in Surgical Technology International. Over time, researchers say, this poor posture, sometimes called “text neck,” can lead to early wear-and-tear on the spine, degeneration and even surgery.

60 pounds!!! For perspective, that’s like carrying an 8-year-old around your neck for four hours a day. The problem is especially profound for young people, Dr. Hansraj told the Post, who may unwittingly and unconsciously be ushering in a lifetime of spinal pain.

Some ways he recommends to fight it:

Look down at your device with your eyes. No need to bend your neck.

Exercise: Move your head from left to right several times. Use your hands to provide resistance and push your head against them, first forward and then backward. Stand in a doorway with your arms extended and push your chest forward to strengthen “the muscles of good posture,” Hansraj said.

2. Hearing Loss

This is depressing. Hearing loss is not just for the elderly anymore. Most of us are very likely to have diminished hearing at younger and younger ages. If you’re not already having trouble hearing normal everyday speech, that day is probably coming, and sooner than you think. That is, unless you have actively and extraordinarily protected your hearing for basically your entire life.

Early and pervasive hearing loss isn’t solely a result of our digital devices, it's also a product of the everyday noise we all consider normal, but is actually at a decibel level that does damage: leaf blowers, lawn mowers, sirens, screeching subway trains, hair dryers, loud rock concerts, car alarms, even overly loud sound systems at restaurants and movies, and certain kid’s toys can all be, well, deafening.

All of these loud noises set our fragile eardrums vibrating and if sustained enough and loud enough can damage the whole irreplaceable apparatus.

But the widespread use of portable music devices is pushing this epidemic into the stratosphere. According to the New York Times, “a national study in 2006 by the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association found that among users of portable music devices, 35 percent of adults and up to 59 percent of teenagers reported listening at loud volumes.”
Earbuds are potentially worse than headphones, but if whatever you are using is piping things in at a volume sufficient to drown out background noise, you might want to start learning sign language now.

Hearing damage is cumulative and irreversible. Carry around some ear plugs anyway, and turn down the volume.

3. Brain Scramble

What constant digital media use does to our brains is a big, seemingly speculative topic. But science is beginning to catch up, and it’s not pretty. Simply put, overuse of smartphones makes us less productive, less rested, more likely to forget things, and in a word, dumber.

Lots of people spend their days at their computer and their nights checking their phones, returning texts and emails. This, according to a recent study conducted by University of Florida, Michigan State University and University of Washington, robs people of the crucial ability to recharge in their off hours. Productivity, not to mention mental health, are both diminished.

Checking multiple devices and screens throughout the day has also perpetuated the idea that people have become better multitaskers, more able to flit between tasks, refocus quickly and get more things done, all thanks to the miracles of technology.

Dream on.

According to researchers, constant multitasking whittles away our ability to concentrate for sustained periods of time, kind of a prerequisite for meaningful accomplishments. Eventually, even when all the screens are shut off, our concentration is shot.

“The people we talk with continually said, look, when I really have to concentrate, I turn off everything and I am laser-focused,” Stanford University professor Clifford Nass told NPR. “And unfortunately, they've developed habits of mind that make it impossible for them to be laser-focused. They're suckers for irrelevancy. They just can't keep on-task.”

Read books any more? I barely do, though I do read voluminously online. It turns out I’m paying a cognitive and possible psychological toll for that. Reading on a screen is simply not as beneficial as reading in print. One study in 2014, “found that readers of a short mystery story on a Kindle were significantly worse at remembering the order of events than those who read the same story in paperback,” according to Rachel Grate at Mic.

And the more you read digitally, the harder it gets to do a deep dive into an actual book. The other benefits of reading include increased empathy, decreased stress and better sleeping. Both are significantly enhanced by reading print as opposed to digital. Much has also been written about the destructive impact of the blue light emitted by digital devices on circadian rhythms, the body’s biological clock, resulting in poorer sleep and the resulting panoply of physical and mental health problems.

Your inability to detach from devices will also both affect and infect the people around you, friends, work peers and family. When we lose the crucial ability to detach, everyone’s overall mental health and well-being suffers. Parenting experts have pointed out that children are scarred by having parents who are unavailable because they are constantly on their phones. So, if not for yourself, at least unplug for the sake of others you care about.

4. Computer Face

Okay, enough about the brain. Spending inordinate amounts of time in front of a computer is ruining people’s looks! Your looks! Seriously, if that doesn’t convince you to take more screen breaks, we don’t know what will.

Cosmetic surgeons are reporting that more women are developing the dreaded “computer face,” a combination of permanent frown lines, wrinkles around the eyes from squinting, jowls (jowls!) and double necks from looking down for long periods of time.

"If you spend most of the time looking down then the neck muscles shorten and go saggy, eventually giving you a second neck,” cosmetic surgeon Michael Prager told the Daily Mail. And because when people work and are under stress they frequently wear serious or even grumpy expressions on their faces, those lines are becoming permanently etched on younger faces.

The solution: Get up, stretch your neck, change your expression, move your screen to eye level. And Botox, of course, according to plastic surgeons, anyway.

No word yet on the long term effects of the dreaded “selfie face,” but it can’t be good.

5. Computer Vision Syndrome

The bad news, perhaps unsurprising, is that sitting in front of a computer screen hour after hour, week after week, year after year as many jobs require you to do can cause pain and discomfort to the eyes, blurred vision and headaches.

The good news is that eye doctors have yet to find that Computer Vision Syndrome causes permanent eye damage. And there is something you can do if you are experiencing the negative consequences of sitting in front of a computer screen too much, besides getting up and doing something else, like forever, which might not be an option.

A lot of this eye strain can be eliminated by making changes in your work environment. The Scheie Eye Institute at Penn Medical Center says, “Reducing glare and harsh reflections on the computer screen by modifying the lighting in the room, closing window shades, changing the contrast or brightness of the screen, or attaching a filter or hood to the monitor,” will all help.

They also recommend:

“Moving the computer screen to improve the comfort of the eyes. The screen should be at or just beyond an arm's length away (about 20 to 26 inches) to give the eyes a comfortable focusing distance. The screen should also stand straight in front of the face instead of off to the side to ease eyestrain. The center of the monitor should be about four to eight inches lower than the eyes to allow the neck to relax and to lessen the exposed surface area of the eye, which will reduce dryness and itching.”

You're probably ready for a break from the screen right about now.

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