Is He Emotionally Unavailable Or Is He Just Not That Into You?
Through my coaching practice, I have been seeing and helping so many women dealing with what they think as emotional unavailability in a man. In fact I just wrote an ebook dealing with this very pertinent issue: how to date emotionally unavailable guys and come out on top. I have been pleasantly surprised by the response so far. So many women come out of the woodwork and share with me their heartbreaking stories of dealing with guys who can't or won't commit or move the relationship to the next level. Or guys who can't even label the relationship! (And the good news some have already turned it around by practicing my Feminine Magnetism tools and principles).
Sounds familiar to you? Read on....
Falling For Mr. Unavailable? Follow These Rules
First of all, how do you know if he's really emotionally unavailable or if he's just a little guarded because he's not ready to plunge in both feet or, worse still, he's just emotionally unavailable to you or in other words he's just not that into you?
Here's Why He Lies About His Actual Feelings For You
Second, if he's not ready, will he be ready one day and when he's ready he will pick you as the one? Will you just waste time with such guys? Will you feel used or feel like a temporary filler until something better comes along and then and only then he will dump you?
Third, if he's truly emotionally unavailable, is there a cure to it and should you just accept it or move on to a greener pasture?
My advice is, first of all, don't freak out or give up just because he's not ready. Yet don't pine or over-invest either. There are ways to do it right and safe to your heart. This relationship will in fact heal you from your own unreadiness and/or emotional unavailability that you are not even aware of. This relationship will prepare you for the real deal with the real man who deserves you -either him or someone BETTER! When you are ready, the right man will find and claim you. That has been my experience.
Let's explore each point separately.
Is He Really Emotionally Unavailable?
How do you know if a guy is truly into you? Generally speaking, when a man is into a woman, it doesn't take much for her to feel that. He will show efforts, initiate, take you out, love to touch, hug, kiss and make out with you, make you feel special, call/text, compliment you, etc. If you have to ask then it's either he's giving you conflicting messages or he's not. But why would a man give conflicting messages? Here are some of the reasons:
He's Really That Into You, He's Just Not Ready
1. He likes you but he's not looking for relationship for whatever reasons and he doesn't want to lead you on so he has to blow hot and cold (this is one of the reasons why men pull away).
2. He likes you enough to want to explore things with you, yet he's discouraged or scared by your over enthusiasm or (perceived) clinginess so he needs to back off every now and then to dampen your eagerness.
3. He's just playing the field and he's probably in a relationship of some kind with another woman already!
4. He loves the sex and he really doesn't want anything more than a casual relationship in which sex is the center...in other words you are a just f*ckbuddy or a booty call....ouch!
5. He just wants to be friend with benefits with you. He loves and values the friendship and the sex is great but he doesn't have the emotional capacity to make it more serious than that. Or simply, he's just not up for the obligations, expectations and responsibility of a relationship at this very moment.
Will He Ever Be Ready And Pick Me When He Is?
Sometimes we are in a situation in which having a relationship is not our priority. It could be because that we have just recently been out of a long-term relationship ourselves or we are having enough on our plate. You don't think those aren't good enough excuses but they are!
After my the split from my husband of 4.5 years, it took about 4 years for me to feel really right about entering a new relationship with both feet. I've been analyzing my own unreadiness and this is for the same reason why many guys are scared of commitment: the fear of being stuck in a dysfunctional or mediocre relationship in which you will keep plowing since you have invested much in it knowing it won't make much difference in the end after all.
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If you have been burned before, whether you realize it or not you'll be much more careful next time because the heart does get scared to get stung again. It really is a natural reaction to most people.
And it's the mediocre relationship one has to be most afraid of, it is the one in which it's too good to leave, but too bad to stay. You are stuck in your comfort zone and potentially waste years of your life. And at my age (I'm in my 40's), I don't have any more year to waste on waiting a relationship to run its course, especially since I'm still not giving up hope for a family.
Another thing is the obligations, expectations and responsibility of a relationship aren't the ones to be taken lightly because when one's heart isn't fully in it, the potential for drama and hurting the other person -and ourselves in the process- is high and real.
So, unreadiness is real. It's not just an excuse. Don't blast him for not being ready at this very moment.
The Real Reasons Why He Disappeared On You
Back to the question: will he ever be ready and when he is will he pick you instead of another woman? The answer is yes and yes, both CAN happen as my client Mikaila has proven through applying my methods.
My ex wasn't ready when we first met. He displayed every sign of emotional unavailability in the book but he didn't want to lose me so he made us a couple 1.5 years after we met and married me a year later.
So anything is possible.
But what if he doesn't?
If you are a high-value woman, you won't worry about these things because:
- You won't invest more than he does.
- You won't make him a priority when you are only an option to him.
- You will still be dating around or accepting dates as long as he's not ready to commit or call you a girlfriend.
- You are so irresistibly secure that any man who has a chance to spend a good amount of time with you and find your company enjoyable will have a very hard time to let you go. He will at least respect you so much that he won't be so much less inclined to make a pastime out of you. You'll be the type of woman any man seeks for commitment because you understand men and their fears and validate them so they don't have to resist you in any way, shape or form.
Is There A Cure To Emotional Unavailabilty?
Falling For Mr. Unavailable? Here Is The Cure
Some people are truly emotionally unavailable. That means they can't be emotionally available to anyone, no matter how great he/she is. It might have been to do with childhood traumas or upbringing or there are some other psychological damages that cause them unable to connect with another person on a deeper level. This can be temporary or permanent.
If you have established that he is truly emotionally unavailable, it is up to you what to do. Can you accept him the way he is with the amount of intimacy and emotional expressions he's able to give you? Can you be contented with the little you have in terms of passion and affection? If not, it's time to move on to the greener pasture.
What Is A High-Value Woman And How To Become One So He Can't Resist Committing To You?
Am I Just Being Used For Sex?
The number one concern among women will be a relationship of convenience, i.e. a casual relationship in which she invests more than he does yet she feels she benefits less than he does, mainly because he has all the sex he wants and she gets very little in return in terms of security and commitment.
And to a woman security is everything, while to a man his freedom, independence and autonomy come first.
Let me tell you something, the more you are relaxed about sex, the more alluring you become. By that I'm not saying: be promiscuous or sleep with any man you date. And for sure relationship based on convenience does happen as I can personally attest but if you have faith in your own value as a woman that worry can be minimized.
For most guys, though sex is important they will rarely come back for more for an extended period of time (say more than a few encounters) unless they truly like you.
Why? It's just not worth it in the end since most know that nothing comes free in the end. The potential of drama and hurt feelings far surpass the benefits of having regular "easy" sex. And it's even more so if the woman constantly puts them on alert of the status of the relationship.
Most men understand there is virtually no NSA (no string attached) sex after a certain amount of time has passed. When she begins to show signs uf discomfort of the lack of clarity of the relationship, most men will quickly leave the scene unless they really like her. And if she has been somewhat a nag and yet he's still around, obviously he likes her more than just sex.
So while this notion isn't foolproof by any means, that should enable you to relax a bit about the notion of "being used" which is a phrase that only women with lack of self-esteem and self-confidence will use. A high-value woman feels secure and confident about her desirability simply on the virtue of that she has faith in herself, if nothing else.
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My book explains in detail what you can do to avoid relationship of convenience that will waste years of your (reproductive) life but in a nutshell:
1. As a woman, you should lean back which means you let him lead and put in efforts/invest in the relationship. When a woman rows the boat, she is creating a fertile ground for convenience relationship to flourish because many guys will gladly enjoy the ride when they don't have to extend any effort.
2. Mirror him. When he comes to you, you come to him. When he pulls away, you pull back too, even further sometimes.
3. Don't give/invest more than he does. The more you give or do things for him, the more you are invested in him and the relationship. Give him a chance to reciprocate and step up his game by leaning back. It doesn't mean you give to expect something in return. It means if he doesn't reciprocate you can at least judge his level of interest toward you. Men who are into a woman will do at least something from time to time to make her happy.
4. Don't stop dating others. The more focused you are toward one guy -with whom you have regular sex- the more you will be hormonally and emotionally hooked on him, the more vulnerable you become. I'm not saying you should have sex with every guy you date, but keeping your options open and your schedule full with social activities and other interested men will keep you grounded and sane throughout.
So ready to learn more? If you are currently dating an emotionally unavailable man and you feel vulnerable, please grab my book now and turn your love life around by being a high-value woman that men seek for commitment.
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