Showing posts with label fish2fish. Show all posts

Monday, 3 August 2015

10 Rules Of Being Friends With Benefits

Rule 1: DO think twice about hooking up with your neighbour.

There are, without a doubt, many pros to having a FWB living in close proximity: Your walk of shame is substantially less embarrassing, you don’t have to worry about driving home after one too many glasses of wine, and usually you’ll be able to tell if he’s home. On the other hand, when the reality of how your sex buddy spends his time away from you—and vice versa—sets in, that geographic proximity could very well be the downfall of your casual relationship, says Rachel Russo, a dating, relationship, and image coach based in New York City. And after several 3 A.M. sightings of his empty parking space in your building’s garage, you’ll start to wonder how things got so complicated.

Rule 2: DON’T convince yourself the relationship is more serious than it is.

“No matter how hard sex buds try not to fall in love, there is always the possibility that one or both parties will catch feelings,” says Russo. “And contrary to popular belief, it isn’t just the ladies at risk of falling and ruining the no-strings-attached arrangement.” It happens to men too. But “if you’ve been sleeping with a guy who confesses that he considers you nothing more than a sex bud, while you dream of making him your boyfriend, it is best to cut ties and maintain a strict no-contact policy,” urges Russo. “Don’t think you’ll change his mind. Just appreciate what you had and move on to the next.”

Rule 3: DO proceed with caution if you meet someone new.

You don’t need to hit the brakes immediately with your FWB when you meet someone new, says Amy Spencer, author of Meeting Your Half-Orange: A Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Help You Meet Your Other Half. “Don’t assume exclusivity with a person you like until you’ve actually talked about it,” she says. “Remember, you’re not the only one having casual sex on the side while you date—maybe your new catch is too.” The bottom line here: Don’t make any major decisions until you’ve clarified things with your new dude.

Rule 4: DON’T encourage friends and family to hang out with your FWB.

Your FWB should fill the same role as an imaginary friend, says Spencer. He’s there when you need him, but he has no place in your regular social life. Why? Well, first, because a FWB is meant to be temporary. If you start bringing him into your daily routine, you’re creating a long-term connection. And second, because you have to protect your heart. If you see your FWB getting along with your family and friends at a barbecue, for example, you could develop feelings for him. (It’s hard not to when your friends are cooing, “Oh, he’s so cute! I really like him!”)

Rule 5: You DON’T have to sleep over.

Jemma, a 25-year-old single woman in New Jersey, says one of her favorite parts of having a FWB is that she doesn’t have to cuddle or have an awkward morning-after. “I can kick him out after the deed is done,” she says. “For me, post-sex cuddling is all about emotional bonding and intimacy—and I have no interest in that with a sex buddy. I love saying goodnight, taking a hot shower and collapsing into bed totally relaxed…and satisfied.”

Rule 6: DON’T get mad if your FWB goes out with someone else.

Remember, your FWB is not, we repeat, not your boyfriend. This means if you catch him with another girl on a date, he’s not cheating on you. The same goes for him; you’re free to date whomever you’d like.

Rule 7: DO keep your relationship in the bedroom.

After a few sexy nights spent with your FWB, you may start to wonder if you should meet for coffee, see a movie, or do some otherwise date-esque activity. But Shaun, a single 24-year-old guy from Ohio, warns against it: “Unless you are planning to have a more serious relationship, a date leads someone to think that there’s more to the sweaty tryst than just the physical aspect,” he says.

Rule 8: DO protect yourself.

You should be practicing safe sex regardless of whom you’re sleeping with, but it’s crucial to be careful with a sex buddy because that’s all he is—your buddy. And your pal could have multiple partners because he is not bound to you. “It is especially important to use condoms to prevent sexually transmitted infections [STIs] when engaging in casual sex, in addition to another reliable form of birth control to prevent pregnancy,” says Lisa M. Valle, D.O., a board-certified obstetrician and gynecologist at Plaza-Towers Obstetrics and Gynecology in Santa Monica, Calif. She also recommends getting tested for STIs every six months and, ideally, after each new partner.

Rule 9: DO be smart about social media.

Hey, maybe you met your FWB on Facebook, but that doesn’t mean he wants the world to know you’re hooking up on the regular. Think twice before posting status updates like, “Bangin’ time last night!” If you don’t want to know what your FWB is up to in his spare time, you might also want to consider not connecting on Twitter and Facebook to begin with.

Rule 10: DON’T think sex is required.

When Jaz, 31, who lives in California, started sleeping with her FWB, she says it was “freeing, adventurous, and so much fun that we did it multiple times a week and even met up on lunch breaks for romps in his car.” After a few weeks, though, she got tired of doing it so often and declined one night. Once she explained that it had nothing to do with him and that she wasn’t sleeping with someone else, the guy was fine with it. “From there on out, he never questioned me when I resisted, nor did I overthink it when he ignored a text from me one late night,” she says. “The thing about a sex buddy that is so cool is that if you play it for what it is, no one gets hurts. I suggest laying down the ground rules from day one.”

Original article here

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Wednesday, 24 June 2015

4 Reasons Why Women Love to Date Confident Guys

Single ladies often complain of how tough dating can be, how they meet Indirect, passive men who have no solid plan, no clear intentions, and make dating feel exhausting instead of fun.

Chicago based Psychotherapist and owner of Skylight Counseling Center, David Klow, says that , “women like direct men the same way a salsa dancer likes a good lead. When there is clarity and direction, she feels relaxed. If she can’t trust his movements, they step on one another’s toes. If he is direct and clear in his leadership, however, everyone wins.”

Erica Gordon of AskMen lists 4 main reasons women love dating direct, confident men:

The Direct Man Doesn't Cause Unnecessary Stress:Dating should be fun, not stressful. It’s hard to trust the ambiguous, indirect type, and dating these kinds of guys usually results in the woman’s confidence level plummeting the longer she has to guess how he feels. When you’re really present with a woman, you’re showing genuine interest and that’s what makes dating enjoyable. You should make her feel secure. Otherwise, her self-esteem is in jeopardy, and her self-esteem is a prized possession – something she won’t want to risk damaging by playing mind games with unenthused guys. Sasha Daygame, direct dating coach, creator of The Direct Dating Summit and author of The Direct Daygame Bible: How to Meet and Attract Beautiful Women in Everyday Situations, explains that being the ‘mysterious type’ results in nothing but complications, “the mystery method was popularized by the book The Game and encourages inauthenticity and awkward interactions.” As an alternative approach, Sasha recommends his direct dating method, which encourages honesty, authenticity, and expressing yourself assertively.
The Direct Man Exudes Confidence: Confident men are sexy as hell. Confidence stems from being secure with yourself and it takes confidence to be direct, Women are well aware that these two qualities go hand in hand. April Masini, relationship expert and the voice behind the Ask April advice column, agreed that there’s something seductive about a direct, confident man, “men who are straightforward, open and honest in a relationship project a sexy confidence, and that’s an aphrodisiac that beats oysters any day. Lots of men think it’s money or girth that women are after, but in reality we’re after confidence, a sense of humor and success – all of which require a man to be direct, straightforward and open.” Direct men, or the alpha male type, are the type women are often the most attracted to. The reason for this has to do with a direct, confident man’s ability to really go after what he wants. A confident man will pursue the woman he likes. If you’re interested in her, pursue her. Women love it when you make plans with them in advance, bonus points if you follow up with her the next day.
The Direct Man Doesn't Waste Her Time: A direct man will be upfront and honest if he’s not feeling a connection after the first few dates, and he’ll have no problem being direct about how into a woman he is when he does feel a connection. Ambiguous men, however, often avoid being honest and would rather waste a woman’s time if it means they can side step an uncomfortable conversation. The beauty of being direct is that women can feel confident knowing that if something is bothering you, you’ll be straightforward and talk about it, which puts their minds at ease. If you’re indirect and hard to read, women will assume you’re not all-in, that you’re avoiding being honest. Though the truth may hurt, she would prefer honesty to wasted time she’ll never get back.
The Direct Man Wears His Heart On His Sleeve: A direct man will not beat around the bush due to fear of rejection. He’s emotionally transparent and will communicate openly about what he’s feeling and thinking. Nicole Prause, Ph.D. and sexual psychophysiologist says, “some people really struggle to communicate their emotions accurately. Desiring somebody ‘direct’ is actually code for wanting someone who is aware of their own emotions and can accurately communicate them, but also relieves some of the stress on the partner who is trying to accurately understand their emotions. When any part of this complex chain breaks down, it can be a source of conflict and could even be central to the relationship ending.” Women are much more attracted to the emotionally transparent man than to a man who is closed-off. Back when we were girls, we may have been attracted to the mysterious, ambiguous man who was tough to figure out. Women, though, don’t have time for that sh*t. She wants you to tell her what’s on your mind instead of shutting off when something’s wrong. Transparency is also what makes her feel like you’re all-in. It is key in relationships because it allows her to feel closer to you and causes the relationship to progress rather than fall apart. So if you really like her, be direct, and open with how you feel.

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Tuesday, 10 March 2015

If Buddha Gave Dating Tips

On the spiritual path, the dating tips or “rules” are surprisingly simple.

Ever wondered what it would be like to have the ancient wisdom of the Buddha to guide you through the dating process? If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Kasl, PhD, has been beloved by relationship-seekers ever since it was published in 1999.

Thing is, if the Buddha did give dating tips, they might be a little confusing to the modern-day man. Consider this your Top 10 CliffsNotes, each with modern day explanations.

“When you say goodbye to someone or decide not to see them again, remember you are a moment in their story. Make it a story that doesn’t leave a scar.” Translation: Do whatever it takes to leave on good terms.
“Equality doesn’t need to mean that both people earn the same amount of money, have equal status, or are equally good looking. It means they value each other as equals when it comes to making plans, making love or making decisions. They have an equal voice. One does not sacrifice himself, or herself, to the other.” Translation: Equality is not based on statistics. Equality is based on shared values, shared communication and shared self-respect.
“In an unequal relationship, because the subordinate mate acquiesces and complies, the dominant one is never challenged to reflect on him- or herself. There is little or no growth, flexibility, or melting into the shared heart—no forming of the “us” bond that brings two people into spiritual union.” Translation: In equal relationships both people are challenged to grow and evolve together, rather than one person always pushing for the other partner’s growth.
“Things are always changing—our thoughts, cells, hormones, hairline, consciousness, relationship, and the landscape around us. Instead of trying to freeze the present moment and hanging onto it, we need to remember that life is a process of constantly letting go.” Translation: The only constant is change. Every present moment is a chance to embrace the newness and let go of the past.
“To be loyal to our journey is to know the rhythm, tone and pulse of our essential inner world- the song that is ours alone. When two people bring the richness of their inner music to each other, they bring the possibility of a new composition, of counterpoint, harmony, voices weaving together creating a magical composition. If we’re disconnected from the music of our essence and attempt to find happiness through another’s song, there will be dependency and a relationship without harmony.” Translation: We must be know and accept who we are fully before we enter a relationship, lest we end up in co-dependency. When two whole people join in a supportive relationship, the results can be magical.
“If we have the belief ‘I’ll always be abandoned,’ we create situations where we’ll be abandoned, and forget to notice when people are loyal friends. Our task on the spiritual path is to stop repeating the same old stories and become aware of all the ways we keep proving our stories are true.” Translation: Thoughts become things. Choose to reinvent your story for better results.
“We can either bargain, hold back, and hang onto comfort and security, or we can take a deep breath, and say take me, and leap into the fire.” Translation: The risk is often worth it, especially in love.
“There are so many dating books with numerous rules about the right thing to do and say when dating. On the spiritual path, the ‘rules’ are simple. Simply ask yourself, am I being guided by spirit or by my rigid ego?” Translation: Ego-driven actions love rules. Spirit needs no rules to guide us.
“Ego says I want someone to fill me up. Spirit says I’ll have someone to help me wake up, to challenge my blind spots and be a companion and playmate on the journey. Translation: If we believe and live as already-full beings, we don’t look to others to fulfill us.
“Another aspect of loving kindness is to remember that it’s not being free of imperfections that’s crucial to relationships, it’s being honest about our faults and mistakes. When we accept our humanness we become able to apologize (not grovel) for having been rude, insensitive, or dishonest. Our apology to another is a form of compassion to ourselves because it signifies acceptance. This is at the heart of intimacy.” Translation: By honestly accepting our faults and mistakes and apologizing with sincerity, we practice compassion towards ourselves and others.

Thursday, 2 October 2014

Does Online Dating Lead to More Break-Ups?

Does Online Dating Lead to More Break-Ups?

You can probably count at least a few couples you know who met through a site like eHarmony or Match.com Fish2Fish. Hey, maybe you’re one of them. And there’s no denying some peoples’ good luck. But a surprising new study out of Stanford and Michigan State shows that while online dating sites do work well for dating (obviously), they aren’t as successful at setting people up for marriage—or a lasting marriage, at that.

As more people search for love in cyberspace, and polls show that online dating has lost much of its stigma, researchers decided to look and see how meeting your mate online compares to meeting in real life.

And the results aren’t so pro-web: After polling more than 4,000 people, researchers found that those who used sites like eHarmony, Match.com, and Zoosk are less likely to get married than folks who met the old fashioned way. On top of that, the online couples who did get into long-term relationships or marry had a higher rate of break-ups compared to the couples who met offline.

But does it really matter how a pair got together? Maybe. The researchers theorize that endless options online may lead people to put off starting a serious relationship. Also, online relationships often take longer to get going (think about all the back-and-forth messaging), so they’re not as developed as offline ones over the same time period. Trust may also be an issue: Since many people are concerned that other users are lying in their profiles, they may be hesitant to get involved emotionally.

And then there are people who are in denial about what they want. “Some men and women use online dating as a sort of distraction when they want to meet someone, but don’t take it seriously,” says Seth Meyers, PsyD, author of Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription.

But none of this news means you should automatically delete your accounts—researchers say the more time couples spend with each other, the more they’ll get to know the other person and develop trust, which can up any couples’ odds of staying together in the long run.

But note: By “time together” they mean IRL.

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Thursday, 7 August 2014

Dating Tips I Learned on the Dance Floor

I’ve been taking Salsa lessons for about a year now, and the thus far the experience has been as enriching and as it has been humbling.

In addition to teaching me a lot about my strengths and weaknesses, it’s inadvertently (re)opened the eyes of the 40-something singleton to some truisms (if only in my mind) about dating. Specifically…

1. Sometimes You Need to Let the Leader Lead:

If you’ve ever taken any salsa or any type of ballroom dance for that matter, you know there are leaders (males) and followers (females). For many women, especially us independent single lady types, learning to follow can be the toughest part of mastering salsa.

On the dance floor failing to let your lead take control is always a bad thing. Fortunately, things on the dating scene are a little more nuanced. Still, stepping back, especially at the beginning of a new romance, to allow your guy to set the pace of how fast or slow (FML!) your connection builds is generally a good idea for at least two reasons. 1) It gives you insight into how into you he is; and 2) sets you apart – in the most alluring of ways, trust – from the ‘Insert-any-man-here-who’ll-put-a-ring-on-it-STAT’ types, clamoring to get the attention of any and every eligible man within a hundred mile radius. That’s a win for you on both counts.

2. Finding the Right Lead Takes Time and Effort:

+Sadly, all leads are not created equal, and few of us are lucky to find an exceptional partner the first time we step onto the dance floor. Any salsa dancing woman worth her salt knows cutting a rug with a variety of leads – however good or ‘m’eh’ they might be – will not only help to make you a better follower, but also a better dancer in your own right. And it’s much the same with dating. While you wait for your prince to finally show up, spending a fair bit of time hanging out with some frogs is likely to make you a better and decidedly more discerning dater.

3. Dress for Success:

Though it may be more practical to show up in your jeans, a t-shirt and your snazzy new flats to dance the night away, donning a hot outfit and some heels will definitely get you more attention from any potential dance partners. Of course, more attention means more dances, or in the case of dating, more dates. And more dates = more chances you’ll meet your very own Mr. Right – sooner than later. BONUS!

4. Wallflowers Stay Losing:

Sitting on the sidelines has never made anyone a better dancer, or I’m guessing, gotten anyone a date. So, get in the game folks! Whether we’re talking dating or dancing, if you don’t put yourself out there – there being anyplace where your perfect match may show up (be it the dance floor, local bar or on an online dating site) – you’ll never, ever win.

5. If at First You Don’t Succeed Try and Try Again:

Great dancers are built not born. As with dating, every salsa newbie committed to achieving greatness knows the old Japanese proverb, fall seven times and stand up eight, is a rule to live by. Well, the same goes for all you single ladies out there, looking to meet a great guy. So, once you’re in the game, you need to stay in it – over the short (if there is a God) or long haul – to find the man of your dreams.

Now go out and ‘break a leg’ in the dating (and dancing) trenches, ladies!

View the original article here

Friday, 31 January 2014

Sexual Awakening: The Truth About What Women Really Want

Are you a woman? Me too! So we know exactly who we are when it comes to sex: It’s better if we feel an emotional connection with our partner. We’re not crazy about pornography, but if it must be on, we prefer it narrative, softer lit, less violent. We are, relative to men, seductive, submissive, receptive, and monogamous. We get more attached than men do when we have sex. We want to be in trusting and respectful long-term relationships. Let’s call ourselves Dutiful Wives.

But wait—this just in: Journalist Daniel Bergner finds that none of the above is true! We are in fact turned on, he reports, by every contextless pornographic scene imaginable: straight and gay sex, masturbation, copulating apes. We get turned off by the too familiar (husbands…); we need distance and novelty to enjoy sex. Up to 60 percent of us fantasize about being raped by a stranger. We can have clitoral, vaginal, even cervical orgasms. We’re wilder and lustier than men, but we’ve been brainwashed by society to believe we’re Dutiful Wives. Let’s call ourselves Bonobos instead, after the famously most sex-positive primate species.

Bergner lays out the history of this brainwashing and then debunks it in his entertaining new book, What Do Women Want? (Ecco). He recaps ingenious studies that have plumbed our desires, including those we deny or hide from ourselves.

Another new take on female lust is British academic Katherine Angel’s Unmastered: A Book on Desire, Most Difficult to Tell (Farrar, Straus and Giroux)—a more personal journey into the wilds of female sexuality, using literature, politics, and Angel’s own experience rather than science as guides. She weaves impressionistic sketches of her ecstatic sexual experiences together with musings on feminism, pornography, and quotes from the likes of Virginia Woolf and Susan Sontag.

Neither book answers the clueless query of Freud’s that gives Bergner his title; in fact, neither addresses the inherent absurdity of one answer fitting all 3.5 billion of us. But they do try to expand the sexual territory women occupy in the world, and thus point us toward the questions we need to ask ourselves about sex.

Bergner surveys the history of men writing about women’s sexuality. I was shocked to learn of the long-held belief that women couldn’t conceive unless they climaxed—a scientific “truth” for 1,500 years that clearly was not vetted by women! Meanwhile, fear of lustful women has been spun out in cautionary tales from the myth of Pandora to whichever halls of power women manage to infiltrate today. In the 1600s, scientists discovered that orgasm was not necessary for reproduction, which only paved the way for a new myth—that of the sexless female (less scary because she can’t be disappointed). In the nineteenth century, women thus became purified, the gentle reins on men’s animal natures, enduring the indignities of the marriage bed—thinking of England!—to keep civilization up and running.

Bergner points out that though we now laugh at Victorianism, women’s supposed monogamous tendencies remain a core assumption about feminine nature via the ruling secular doctrine of evolutionary psychology: that men spread their seed, whereas women seek a lifelong mate to provide for the offspring. This construct is Bergner’s main target, and it’s about time. I’ve noticed that evolutionary psychology is especially beloved by men. Their fairly straightforward drives are mirrored in the animal kingdom more than women’s are: Unlike our mammalian sisters, we mate regardless of whether we’re not in estrus; our lust doesn’t aim at procreative sex—we’re usually trying not to get pregnant; and intercourse isn’t the primary means by which most of us achieve orgasm.

As Bergner points out, evo psych also validates the old double standard: If a guy cheats on his girlfriend or wife, it’s in his nature; you can’t argue with science, baby. But if she strays, she’s an aberrant slut. “Does the fact that women are expected to be the more demure gender in Lusaka and New York, in Kabul and Kandahar and Karachi and Kansas City, prove anything about our erotic hardwiring?” Bergner asks. “Might the shared value placed on female modesty speak less to absolutes of biology than to the world’s span of male-dominated cultures and historic suspicion and fear of female sexuality?”

Those excellent questions lead Bergner to studies that swing the needle from Dutiful Wife to Bonobo. The niftiest is researcher Meredith Chivers’ measure of women looking at pornographic images with a plethysmograph tucked into their vaginas, a sensor that measures blood flow and wetness. The women watched a range of pornographic clips: straight and gay sex, men and women masturbating, bonobos copulating. As they watched, they typed about what turned them on and what left them cold.

You know where this is going. While their fingers said, “Not really my thing,” their nether regions clanged the lust-o-meter’s bell like a young stud showing off for his date at a carnival. The only image that didn’t win the little ladies a stuffed animal was that of a hunky man sauntering on the beach, erectionless. As another sex researcher, Marta Meana, puts it, “The male without an erection is announcing a lack of arousal. The female body always holds the promise, the suggestion, of sex.” The plethysmograph also found that women got more turned on by imagining sexual encounters with strangers than with friends or their romantic partners—even as they typed out their denials.

Men, when administered a similar test, revealed no such dissonance. Gay-male porn made the gay men hard, but women left them limp; vice versa for the straight guys. What to make of this? I would venture that while everyone’s sexuality is shaped partly by culture (look at the range of female sex objects, from the Venus of Willendorf to Kate Moss), women’s lust is more so, and it’s vastly more complex. We’ve been the objects, not the authors, of sociological study for most of history, and we bring more shame, doubt, and worry to bed with us. Many women report having rape fantasies and like being overpowered in bed—we seem to use taboos very creatively to turn ourselves on.

Bergner concludes with a study challenging the proposition that speed-dating patterns prove men are less choosy and women more monogamous because men check more boxes indicating people they would like to date than women do: At gatherings where the women rather than the men got up and moved on when the bell rang, the women checked “I’d date him” as frequently as the men did when they were the “movers.” Prowling for prey seemed to excite more openness and desire in both sexes.

I enjoyed but was not really convinced by Bergner’s book—he seems to want to ground women’s sexuality completely in their physicality in much the same way men seem to be, rather than digging deeper into this fascinating mix of biology, culture, and psychology. Ideally, of course, we would rid society of misogyny and then see how our fantasies and behaviors change—but I’m not holding my breath.

I expected Katherine Angel’s Unmastered to be more my cup of tea, bookwise. I was certainly predisposed to trust a Katherine more than a Daniel on the topic of female desire. Angel raises familiar anxieties about being female and sexual: the pressure to be silent, pleasing, sexy but not too sexy, and never greedy. But she doesn’t connect them to her own sexual reveries, and her feminism doesn’t seem to impede her pleasure with her dream guy. She shyly asks him to rough her up, and his response is “pitch-perfect”: He won’t do it right then, on command, but he ambushes her later when she’s not expecting it. It is as sublime as she had hoped, unclouded by feminist guilt. I was left wondering, Then what’s the problem here, exactly?—and I hungered for more quoted insights from Sontag and Woolf.

Angel doesn’t connect the personal with the political, while Bergner peddles a new strain of animal-based essentialism: We’re nothing like those Dutiful Wives—we’re all Bonobos. But both books raise the right questions. Every woman’s sexual self is patrolled by a bewildering array of good and bad cops—our parents, our religions, our femininity, our feminism, our fear of being undesirable, our training in pleasing and making others comfortable, and a culture that’s subtly or not-so-subtly misogynistic. We need to turn the spotlight around and inter-rogate them all, along with all the “experts” who historically have used their science to keep our sex, and our sexuality, in its place.

We need to question anyone who seeks to explain us to ourselves. For example, are we all on board with the idea, which Bergner unmistakably implies, that to have more “masculine” sex is progress—that we’ll be happier if we all embrace stranger-sex and exult in the hunt and the conquest, or if we scavenge for a new hot thing when the sex cools off? Would buying sexual services enhance our sexuality—does that way lie liberation?

Might it be possible to ignore the clamor of other voices and listen instead to ourselves and our lovers? Is it Victorian to suggest that discovering your freest sexual self might be connected to trusting, liking, and—sorry, Bergner—maybe loving the person you sleep with? Angel cocreated a relationship where kink could bloom organically, pushing back the censors and finding heat in the contradictions and the defiance. We don’t need to censor our lust. We know this intellectually but can’t quite believe it, and so we keep defaulting to outside opinions of what’s “normal” or “natural.”

The important questions about sex for women are not category questions—because who feels sexually normal, consistent, or classifiable? Anybody else a little bit Dutiful Wife and a little bit Bonobo? Some mix, however subtle or implicit, of straight and gay? Anybody else occasionally surprised by what she wants? “What do women want?” is a terrible thing to have to worry about. It distracts from the only two questions that do matter in sex: What do I want, and what do you want?

View the original article here

Thursday, 30 January 2014

5 Lessons We Can Learn From French Women:Dating, à la Francaise

Dating, à la Francaise

The mystique of the French woman tends to be a hot-button topic that evokes strong opinions. Either to debunk what is dismissed as a trite cliché or to admire it as a standard to be mimicked, the debate that French women are superior in regard to style and disposition will undoubtedly remain open for discussion.

While it should be said that being true to who you are is the embodiment of style, one idea that can be adopted from French women is their direct approach to dating. By positioning themselves in control of their emotions while asserting their expectations, they do not fall prey to the uncertainty and self-doubt that often cast over new relationships.

Shifting your thinking from “the rules”, let’s take a look at how to date comme les françaises.

1. He’s Just Not That Into You?

To start off, the word “dating” does not even exist in the French language. The culture of wondering if he is interested in pursuing a relationship while casually dating (sometimes for months!) is considered a waste of time. By the third rendez-vous, it is defined that the couple is together or they are not.

2. Gossip Girl

You will never hear a French woman exhausting her girlfriends with complaints about her man. Of course girl talk exists en français, but if she is unhappy about something in her relationship, she will manage it without seeking conflicting advice from outside sources.

3. Moi et Toi

While online dating is slightly altering the landscape for the younger generation, the current standard is that the French do not date more than one person at a time. Multi-dating (even if it is still ‘the beginning’) is grounds for termination for both men and women. The myth that all Frenchmen cheat and the women coolly accept it should be tossed with the old stereotype that all French people are rude.

4. The Break-Up

After a rupture, a French woman will remain strong in her resolve to quickly turn the page. With her privacy being a leading factor, she would sooner lose her Louboutins than openly and obsessively harp over a relationship that didn’t work out. When it’s over, it’s over.

5. The L Word

The French are not afraid to say “Je t’aime”. They don’t hold off on expressing emotion that they feel should be acknowledged with seriousness. When they feel it, they say it, unapologetically.

Invariably, relationships require work; there is not one single culture that can claim to have the definitive answer on how to lead the perfect one. However, the unambiguous method that the French follow reduces misunderstandings and games, while circling back around to the initial point: being true to who you are. Mais bien sûr! French women wouldn’t have it any other way.

View the original article here

Monday, 27 January 2014

How to get over “The One”

Your mobile tortures you with messages from everyone but him. You mope around asking yourself “What went wrong?” We talk to experts about how to snap out of it, and move on.

Some relationships die a natural death: the passion fizzles, they peter out or it’s a mutual decision. But when someone you imagined going grey with calls it quits, you’re left reeling – and that person stays in your head for years. “We never forget the one that got away,” says Dr Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and author of Why Him? Why Her? “When you fall in love with somebody you trigger the brain’s dopamine system. It’s responsible for wanting, for craving, for obsession – and if it’s not satisfied, if you didn’t win that person, they’re seared in your memory.” Dutch scientists recently found being dumped by a lover can actually be heart-stopping – so how do you begin to recover?

Rent Titanic
Forcing a smile when you’re devastated only prolongs the suffering. “Have a weekend of watching tear-jerkers, playing gloomy music and really wallowing in your sadness,” says counselling psychologist Jacqui Marson. But once that weekend is over, it’s time to get moving. Start by treating yourself to a mani-pedi and blow-dry, but also make time to work out, which releases feel-good endorphins. For added benefit, exercise outside, since sunlight exposure delays your body’s release of melatonin (the sleepiness hormone) and elevates mood.

Change your brain
While it’s not (yet) possible to erase someone from your memory, in the style of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, according to Dr Fisher it is possible to change your brain circuitry. “It’s important to get hugs from old friends as it’ll drive up oxytocin,” she says. Your body is flooded with this feel-good hormone when you have an orgasm, so it’s something your body is craving after a breakup. “Doing novel things with interesting people will boost levels of dopamine in the brain and make you feel better,” says Dr Fisher.

Lisa, 22, found that a weekend hip-hop class helped distract her from her ex. “I was sick of spending Saturday mornings having breakfast with my mates and their boyfriends, so I decided to try a dance class – something I never had time for when I was with Tom,” she says. “I met a whole new group of single girls there, and the class got me excited about the weekend.”

Rally the troops
After a breakup you need to re-build your network – get in touch with old friends and put yourself in situations where you’ll meet fresh faces. “It’s good to ask for help,” says Marson. “And it helps to give friends a specific support role.” Whether you want them to be your exercise buddy, travel with you, take you out on the town or be that friend you call at 2am when you’re tempted to text the ex… make sure they know their job and are prepared to dispense tough love when needed.

Delete his number
“Don’t call, don’t show up where he hangs out, don’t ask his friends about him,” says Dr Fisher. When someone’s been the centre of your universe it can be gut-wrenching to wipe them completely from your life – but it’s the quickest route to sanity. If your ex wants to be friends, tell him it might be possible in 2013. “You will still continue to crave that person and it might be three years, maybe 10 years, before it’s feasible to have a friendship with them,” says Dr Fisher. (Get over him with a fresh start: Fish2FishDating)

Don’t sleep with him
Jo, 26, never got over her first boyfriend Charlie. “I’d managed to push him to the back of my mind until he added me on Facebook last year,” she says. “He could see from my status I was engaged, but it didn’t stop him poking me daily and sending me flirty messages. My fiancé was working late one night – I felt a bit neglected and so I decided to meet Charlie for dinner. The spark was still there and we ended up sleeping together. A few weeks later I broke off my engagement – only to have Charlie break my heart again.”

Cyber stalking, or even meeting up with an ex for coffee, is playing with fire. “If I could have a penny for everybody who’s in one relationship, but still half in their old relationship, I’d be a millionaire,” says marital therapist Andrew G Marshall, author of Heal and Move On. He sees many clients still emotionally cleaved to an ex “soul mate”. “We need to get rid of this idea that there’s one single person who is right for us,” says Marshall. “There are different people who are right for us at different stages in our lives.”

So, instead of holding a candle to the one that got away, think about why. It’s easy to get caught up fantasising about the life you might have had with an ex but it’s so much more helpful to remember why it didn’t work.

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Friday, 10 January 2014

The Sacred Art of Listening -- Nourishing Loving Relationships

To listen is to lean in softly
With a willingness to be changed
By what we hear
-- Mark Nepo

What happens when there's a listening presence?

When we're fully in that listening presence, when there's that pure quality of receptivity, we become presence itself. And whether you call that God or pure awareness or our true nature, the boundary of inner and outer dissolves and we become a luminous field of awakeness. When we're in that open presence we can really respond to the life that's here. We fall in love.

This state of listening is the precursor or the prerequisite to loving relatedness. The more you understand the state of listening-of being able to have the sounds of rain wash through you, of receiving the sound and tone of another's voice -- the more you know about nurturing a loving relationship.

In a way it's an extremely vulnerable position. As soon as you stop planning what you're going to say or managing what the other person's saying, all of a sudden, there's no control. You're open to your own sadness, your own anger and discomfort. Listening means putting down control. It's not a small thing to do.

>>Dating with a difference: Connect Fish2Fish with someone special

We spend most of our moments when someone is speaking, planning what we're going to say, evaluating it, trying to come up with our presentation of our self, or controlling the situation.

Pure listening is a letting go of control. It's not easy and takes training. And yet it's only when we can let go of that controlling that we open up to the real purity of loving. We can't see or understand someone in the moments that we are trying to control what they are saying or trying to impress them with what we are saying. There's no space for that person to just unfold and be who they are. Listening and unconditionally receiving what another expresses, is an expression of love.

The bottom line is, when we are listened to, we feel connected. When we're not listened to, we feel separate. So whether it's the communicating between different tribes or religions, ethnicities, racial groups or different generations, we need to listen. The more we understand, the less we fear -- the less we fear, the more we trust and the more we trust, the more love can flow.

View the original article here