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5 Ways You Can Be a Better Listener

Listening is a skill that can help nourish relationships and bring two people closer together. However, many of us have forgotten how to sit still and focus long enough to really hear what someone is saying.

“In today’s world, the importance of effective listening has diminished greatly; so much so that many of us don’t realize we are poor listeners,” said Tony Smart in Simple Tips and Techniques to Become a Better Listener.

With some practice, you can become a better listener. Here’s how you can sharpen your skills.

1. Don’t focus so much on what you’ll say next

When you put most of your energy into thinking about what you’re going to say, you are not fully listening to the other person. While you’re mentally crafting your response, you may be missing key elements of your speaker’s statement. A good listener gives his undivided attention to whomever is speaking. Instead, take a deep breath, clear your mind, and absorb all that is being said to you.

“Listening affects us on more than one level. What we usually practice is a form of listening called passive listening. Through this method, your ears work as if on autopilot, taking in all the information in its surroundings, in case you choose to use any of it. This type of listening, on a superficial level, may be good for things such as catching the news running in the background, but has no place in effective communication with other people,” said Smart.

2. Don’t interrupt

Let the speaker fully express his or her thoughts. Speaking before your turn is rude and will just cause frustration. Be courteous and wait your turn.

“I sensed that most people were more interested in telling their stories than hearing mine. But then, to be honest, I was more interested in telling my stories than hearing theirs. I relished times when others tried to understand my stories. I came to value friendships where understanding worked both ways,” said James C. Peterson, L.P.C., D.Min., in Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships.

 3. Eliminate distractions

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Don’t play with your cell phone or check email while someone is speaking to you. Also refrain from answering your phone unless there is an emergency. Dividing your attention demonstrates a lack of interest in the conversation and gives off the impression that you don’t care about what is being said.

“You might think you can multitask, but having your smartphone in your hand is inviting distraction. You are using your ears and your eyes and your hand,” said Barb Jing in How to Become a Better Listener.

4. Don’t turn every conversation into a debate

You don’t have to be armed with a witty comeback for every statement that is made. Sometimes people just want to have a relaxed conversation where they can vent and talk about their day.

“So many of us are also likely to rebut or reject statements that contradict our own views. In fact, we tend to prepare to do verbal battle even before we understand what someone else has said. We will become good listeners only when we can acknowledge that we have a lot to learn,” said psychologists Paul J. Donoghue and Mary E. Siegel in Are You Really Listening? Keys to Successful Communication.

5. Welcome silence

At some point in the conversation there may be a lull or two. While it can be uncomfortable at times, don’t shy away from the occasional silent pause. Your speaker may be collecting her thoughts. Allow some time for the conversation to include periods for rest and reflection.

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The Sacred Art of Listening -- Nourishing Loving Relationships

The Sacred Art of Listening -- Nourishing Loving Relationships

To listen is to lean in softly
With a willingness to be changed
By what we hear 
-- Mark Nepo

What happens when there's a listening presence?

When we're fully in that listening presence, when there's that pure quality of receptivity, we become presence itself. And whether you call that God or pure awareness or our true nature, the boundary of inner and outer dissolves and we become a luminous field of awakeness. When we're in that open presence we can really respond to the life that's here. We fall in love.

This state of listening is the precursor or the prerequisite to loving relatedness. The more you understand the state of listening-of being able to have the sounds of rain wash through you, of receiving the sound and tone of another's voice -- the more you know about nurturing a loving relationship.

In a way it's an extremely vulnerable position. As soon as you stop planning what you're going to say or managing what the other person's saying, all of a sudden, there's no control. You're open to your own sadness, your own anger and discomfort. Listening means putting down control. It's not a small thing to do.

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We spend most of our moments when someone is speaking, planning what we're going to say, evaluating it, trying to come up with our presentation of our self, or controlling the situation.

Pure listening is a letting go of control. It's not easy and takes training. And yet it's only when we can let go of that controlling that we open up to the real purity of loving. We can't see or understand someone in the moments that we are trying to control what they are saying or trying to impress them with what we are saying. There's no space for that person to just unfold and be who they are. Listening and unconditionally receiving what another expresses, is an expression of love.

The bottom line is, when we are listened to, we feel connected. When we're not listened to, we feel separate. So whether it's the communicating between different tribes or religions, ethnicities, racial groups or different generations, we need to listen. The more we understand, the less we fear -- the less we fear, the more we trust and the more we trust, the more love can flow.

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