10 Misconceptions About Online Dating That Are Keeping You Single

Unlucky in love? There are some mistakes you could be making.

Many singles have a lot of misconceptions about how online datingworks. As a dating coach for women over 40, I have come up with the most frequent mistaken ideas that need to be dispelled. Once you have a more accurate understanding of how the process works, your chances to connect will improve dramatically!

1. The steps required to find love online are not obvious. Most women think they already know everything needed to find love online, but that's not often true. Assumptions cause daters to become disillusioned quickly. Take time to learn what works because onlinedating does require some skill to have good experiences.

2. There are so many choices that you can afford to be picky. Yes, there are millions of singles online and yet, I've had clients who viewed 5,000 profiles and couldn't find more than five decent men to contact. It's easy to disqualify men quickly. But, to find love, say yes to more men and actually meet them because dating is a numbers game. The more men you meet, the better your chances will be of finding a good match.

3. Your profile should say everything there is about you. This big misconception leads women to write long and boring profiles that men do not read. Your online dating profile is not your resume. It's a form of advertising meant to capture a man's attention so he emails you. You can fill him in about the rest later as you get to know each other.

4. You should weed out the "wrong" guys by explaining the type you don't want. Unfortunately, when you talk about the kind of man you don't want, you sound negative, hard to please and maybe even a little like a man-hater. Don't do it! Write about the kind of guy you want since this is far more appealing to men.

5. Spelling errors show a man's intelligence. I don't have a single client whose wish list for the ideal mate includes good spelling. Yet, women constantly disqualify men due to spelling. Spelling does not indicate intelligence. People who excel in math often aren't as good with language skills. Plus, being good at spelling won't make a man loyal, fun, loving or good in bed. Overlook a few errors to find out if the man is a potential mate, not an English teacher.

6. Express yourself by posting your favorite vacation photos. Your online datingprofile is not the place to display vacation photos. The only pictures to post are photos of you, standing or sitting alone. Sunsets or party shots distract men from focusing on you.

7. Who cares if your photo isn't current? The men you hope to meet and date care! A photo that's a few years old is okay if you still look the same. However, if you've gained weight, changed your hair or aged (when your photo is 10 years old or more), this is false advertising. You don't want a man to be disappointed when he meets you, so post current photos.

8. Everybody lies about age. That's not exactly true. Yes, some people fudge their age, but keep in mind you are starting your relationship with a lie. As a dating coach for women, I don't advise this. If you feel you must fudge because you're on the cusp of a decade (42, 51, etc.), admit your real age in the profile. You'll show up in the age search, but he'll know your real number.

9. If he's texting, emailing or calling you often, he must be really into you. Sorry to say it: this is false. There are men who want a connection without ever meeting or dating you. Yet, virtualrelationships are not the real thing. Don't fall for this regardless of his reasons like busy with work, lives far way, trouble with his children, etc. It's all nonsense! Please move on to find real love.

10. All men online are scammers. Seriously, that is a wild generalization. A slim minority of people are scammers who ask for money. If a man's profile goes on and on or is poorly written, if he writes you long emails, builds a virtual relationship, then asks you for money, dump him fast and block him on the site! Fortunately there are plenty of good men out there. Dating sites like eHarmony that require answering a series of questions cut down on the scammer since they don't want to fill everything out.

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Hate Your Body? Take *More* Pics!

Until relatively recently, that was pretty easy to do. Before every cell phone had a built in camera, before selfies and instagram (follow me!), you could really get away with avoiding photos. Only photography nerds (like me) used to carry around cameras, and it was mostly for capturing the raw beauty of a dead pigeon on Avenue A.

Sometimes the fact that everything gets photographed or video-ed really bugs me. (I can’t be the only one who’s been at a concert and wanted to say to the tall dude in front of me, “Hey, how about putting your camera down and just watching the show right now?”)

And yet, I also see it as an interesting opportunity to reclaim your self image. If you sort of go with it, you can actually use things like selfies as a tool to improve your body image.

How To Improve Your Body Image With Photos

Action Step #1: Take Some Really Bad Photos Of Yourself On Purpose — Whip out your phone or camera, and take a ton of pics of yourself. I’m talking in the hundreds. Take them from weird angles. Make funny faces. You can do this with a friend too. You may even want to do this a couple of times over the course of a week or a month. Do not skip this step!

What This Does: When you take “bad” photos of yourself, you get used to your own image. You start to realize that “good” or “bad” pics are all about angles, lighting, expression and not really about you. (Remember, even when models are shot for print ads, hundreds of images are taken, then one is chosen and airbrushed to death.) When you do this process, you get less upset when someone else takes a less than flattering photo of you. You’ll be less triggered when you catch yourself reflected in a storefront. You may even have fun with your image for the first time.

Action Step #2: Take Some Selfies And Post Them — Now, try to take some “good” photos. Think about your “bad” photo experiment and avoid taking pictures from those weird angles. Give yourself time to play around with lighting, angles, makeup, etc. And then, post those pics! If you don’t want them to be public, use privacy settings so that only certain friends can see them. You’ll probably get a lot more positive comments than you expect.

What This Does: This does two things. First, it allows you to control your public image. You get to put out the world images of yourself that make you feel good. Second, you get positive feedback from friends who will cheer you on and, at the very least, “like” your image.

Action Step #3: Join A Body-Positive, Photo-Sharing Community — There are so many great tumblrs of regular folks showing off fatshion, generally being body positive,outfits of the day (ootd’s), and just pics of themselves being fat and exciting. (And don’t forget about Fatshionable Apples!)

What This Does: Looking at tumblrs like this normalizes bodies that you don’t normally see in everyday media. It’s a wonderful counterbalance to the very thin images you see every day. And you get a wonderful sense of community by looking at and responding to posters’ images. You may find it empowering to submit your own images too.

Don’t Forget This Mindset Shift

Photos are about memories and experiences, not just how you look or what you weigh. When you look at your photos, don’t just scrutinize your face and body. Think about what you were doing, who you were with, what was going on in the moment.

When you’re more willing to join in pictures, not only do you get an opportunity to preserve a memory, but your friends and loved ones get that too. They want you in their pictures. You’re part of that memory. Let yourself jump in and say a big, cheesy, “Cheese!”

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