The Six Degrees of Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) and other Separations

Have you ever been in any kind of long-distance relationship? Not just the romantic kind.

I have, and I cannot say I “rock” at maintaining them, nor do I enjoy the distance.

Here’s a quick glance at how many long-distance relationships (romantic and otherwise) I have had in the past or am currently maintaining:

My best friend has been in Indiana for several years completing her Master’s degree.
I was in a rather serious relationship with a gentleman caller for about two years (on again, off again, courtesy of our long distance situation).
I have just one family member who lives within a healthy proximity to me. Otherwise, my brother, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins span from Kelowna to California to Ohio.
Finally, as much as I enjoy the cultural diversity of my social group, I have dear friends scattered like dandelion seeds across countries and continents.

Needless to say, phone calls, text messages, e-mails, Skype dates, Facebook and Facetime have all become rather dear to me. But I find even with all of these modes of communication, I am still left with a devastating amount of space between us that, despite my best efforts, words cannot fill.

Six Degrees of (Long-Distance) Separation

I have noticed that whether it’s a boyfriend, a friend or a family member, the emotions that accompany a long-distance relationship are often similar. The following is a list of emotions I have experienced whilst engaged in a Long-Distance Relationship or “LDR”:

Anticipation/ Excitement: This emotion is typical when the times I have seen or heard from the person supersede the time we have been apart.

Frustration: Frustration rears its ugly head after enough time has passed so I know the other person surely has a new story or anecdote to share, but I have yet to hear about it.

Denial: Possibly spurred on by things like Destiny’s Child songs about women and their independence, at this stage in the LDR a reassurance falls over me that I need no one!

Hopelessness: When the times we have been apart supersedes the time in which we have been together, I begin doubting the validity of my relationship.

Anger: Perhaps my LDR updated her Facebook status and didn’t as much as poke me. Or maybe he had a whole day off and did not make any effort to call. Whether my reasoning is justified or completely unwarranted, feelings of anger in a long-distance relationship are undeniable.

Joy: The very sound of his voice brings a tidal wave of relief and all the emotions you once felt, are swept away with pure joy.

[ Lather, rinse, and repeat.]

Regardless of the different kinds of long distance relationships we may experience, I’m sure this truth remains: Being devoted to someone we cannot see, is hard.

Degrees of separation with God

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” ~Kahlil Gibran

As I looked at this list of LDR-related emotions, I began to draw some parallels between my human long-distance relationships and my relationship with God. I realized that just as I have felt all of the six (long distance) degrees of separation with my friends, family and romances; I have also felt these emotions towards God. The anticipation and excitement as I wait on His call, the denial in thinking I don’t need Him, the hopelessness I feel when I don’t hear His voice, the anger when everyone else gets a “poke” but me, and the sheer joy of finally hearing His voice.

But in all of the parallels I have drawn, I discovered one major contrast: With God, absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder; it makes my heart grow further.

“Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you.” James 4:8 (NIV)

God isn’t awkwardly fumbling around trying to maintain seven billion long-distance relationships—on the contrary, we are the ones who choose how close our relationship with God will be. Which reminds me that if I feel like God is far away—He’s not the one who moved.

“I will never leave you; I will never forget you.” Hebrews 13:5 (International Children’s Version)

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Going the distance

Relationships are truly paramount to the human condition but not all are created equal. All have their share of challenges and benefits but long distance relationships in particular are written off as undoable.

Some people have probably even advocated a name change from long distance relationship to “Lonely Disappointing Relationship.” The truth is, there are long list of misconceptions concerning long distance dating.

You never see each other.

False. Although LDR’s add the difficulty of distance, it does not mean you don’t see your significant other. The same argument has been made for couples dating in the same dorm room for ages. If you want to see someone, you make it happen.

You don’t truly get to know the other person.

False. With the establishment of the postal system, the advent of the Internet or the cellphone, there is no excuse to not truly get to know the other person. Some stickler will surely ask if you can really learn all of their idiosyncrasies. Again, this is not unique to long distance couples. Furthermore, what an infinitely regressive standard to date by. Getting to know the other person is supposed to be the fun part, not a reason to avoid them altogether.

They are hard.

True. LDR’s are not easy, but few relationships are. Like any other relationship there are the ups and the downs but they all can be successful.

Now that some basic concerns have been discussed we can focus on some of the forgotten advantages of long distance dating.

The first benefit is the emphasis it puts on good communication. For any relationship to be healthy, that is a cornerstone.

Without the ability to see each other all the time there is a strong incentive to be creative. Utilizing the postal service, text messages, phone calls and Facetime all offer unique advantages to staying in touch. LDR’s are forced to put emphasis in areas other than being physical. This can avoid the false positives of love experienced through orgasms.

Another overlooked benefit is the ability for individuals in LDR’s to be futuristic. Partners always talk about when they get to see each other next. This can be very uplifting opposed to being completely consumed with the remedial activities of the day, or the mistakes of the past.

There are disadvantages; from the very obvious cuddle issues while in different time zones, to the more subtle, like not getting to see the emotion on their face when the response to a comment is just, “OK…”

The saying used when talking about relationships is ‘there are a lot of fish in the sea,’ so why confine yourself to just a small puddle?
When it comes to long distance relationships, instead of writing them off maybe you should start writing.

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Friday, 14 March 2014