Is Your Partner Still in a Relationship With Their Ex?

Is Your Partner’s Relationship With Their Ex Making You Uncomfortable? 

Is it paranoia or is there a real reason for you to be worried? 

 By Francesca Marie

Is your boyfriend or girlfriend still in touch with their ex?

Are you okay with that?

In most circumstances, you should be accepting of that relationship.

Figuratively speaking, staying in touch with an ex is never a problem.

The problem only arises when the staying in touch translates into reality, literally!

Is your partner in a relationship with their ex?

Does your boyfriend meet his ex all the time?

Does your girlfriend share a flirty conversation with her ex now and then?

Do they ever exchange texts like “I miss those days…” or “my boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t know I’m texting you right now”?

Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t feel too comfortable imagining my partner’s ex trying to worm her way back into my partner’s life too!

But then again, is your partner’s ex worming their way back into their heart, are they just friends, or are you just getting paranoid?

Is it normal to be friends with an ex?

Yes, it is. It’s just like being friends with someone, isn’t it?

Being on friendly terms with an ex, exchanging a hello on the street, interacting with each other now and then over the phone, well, it’s completely acceptable and even healthy.

But that’s not what would bother you anyway, would it? It’s the more intimate and closer bond between exes that always threaten a new lover.

So can your lover still continue to have a close relationship with their ex? Well, it may not always be the norm because most people find it very hard to stay friends with someone they shared so much chemistry. But on the other hand, some people find it pretty easy to end a romance and turn it into friendship.

The threshold of balance

There’s a thin line between being friendly and getting attracted to each other. And to make matters worse, the thin line is always blurry and too fuzzy to see until you cross over to the other side!

How often does your partner interact with their ex? Every person is different, and sometimes, some people just find it easier to socialize and hang out with everyone comfortably, even if that’s an ex. But is your partner’s ex as close, or even closer than your partner’s other friends? 

These are questions that could help you understand just how friendly your partner and their ex are. But more than anything else, what matters is your personality and your own relationship with your man or woman. What’s acceptable to you, and just where do you want to draw the line?

The easiest way to deal with this is by making it clear as soon as you get to know about their over-friendly ex. It’s awkward to tell your partner that you’re not comfortable with the idea of them being so friendly with their ex, but if you care about your relationship, you need to voice your thoughts.

Think about it, your relationship would definitely go downhill soon if you pretend to be progressive and completely secure, when in reality, you feel threatened by your partner’s proximity to their ex. 

Do you trust your partner?

If you truly believe your partner won’t be doing something frisky behind your back, that’s a great thing. But if that’s the case, you wouldn’t be getting angry about their proximity to their ex, would you?

Sometimes, even if you completely trust your partner, it’s perfectly normal to feel troubled over natural human instincts. If you shared a perfect relationship with a smoking hot ex *and you had to break up with them over unavoidable circumstances*, wouldn’t you get carried away if they came on to you after both of you had a few drinks?

You may be loyal to your lover, but when you play with fire, there’s always a risk of getting your fingers burnt, or worse… 

Is it affecting your relationship?

So your husband or wife, or boyfriend or girlfriend talks to their ex all the time? That isn’t the problem. What matters is how you feel about it, and where you intend to draw the line. If you have a problem with your partner’s ex, don’t bottle your emotions and endure the pain because you think you may sound silly for voicing it out loud.

#1 Talk to your partner. If you feel threatened by your partner’s closeness to their ex, don’t feel embarrassed about it. Insecurity is a completely acceptable emotion in any relationship. Don’t wait until you reach the point of no return, where you give your partner the silent treatment and pick fights with them over silly reasons every day, just because you don’t feel like telling them the truth in the first place. 

#2 Do you feel disrespected? Mutual respect is an integral part of every strong romantic relationship. Does your partner make you feel disrespected in the relationship by maintaining a close bond with their ex? Just say it!

The BIG TEST

You don’t like your partner’s ex. So have you told your partner about it? How does your partner react to your insecure plea?

Does your partner fight you or voice their displeasure when you mention that their relationship with an ex bothers you? Do they appear embarrassed or do they get angry?

If your partner chooses to fight you instead of trying to reassure you, it’s pretty obvious that they prioritize their relationship with an ex higher than their relationship with you! 

Really, if you tell your lover that you’re feeling insecure because of their ex, if your partner really cared about you and your relationship, they’d be more concerned about reassuring you and making the relationship work instead of defending their ex, don’t you think? Now why would anyone do that unless they have feelings for their ex?

When a partner chooses to fight you instead of trying to reassure you and comfort you, something’s definitely not right, whether your partner chooses to admit it or not.

10 Signs you need to be worried about your partner’s closeness to their ex

If your significant other is still in a relationship with their ex, it’s acceptable. Well, unless it’s not acceptable to you! What the world thinks doesn’t matter here, and the only thing that matters is whether it matters to you or troubles you.

Here are 10 broad circumstances when relationships with exes generally take a new romantic twist over time, especially when they’re not pruned at the right time.

#1 Your partner’s ex is too needy. Your partner’s ex tries to cling on to your partner all the time. They may have broken up with your partner, but they still depend on your partner for everything, including emotional support! 

#2 Getting back together. Your partner’s ex wants to get back with them. How can you tell? Well, they text or say things like “I miss you…” or something much more flirty and undisguised to your lover.

#3 No reason to stay friends. Your partner doesn’t have any reason to stay friends with them. And yet, your partner doesn’t want to keep some distance from their ex even if it bothers you. 

#4 Lies. Your partner lies to you about their proximity with the ex. “No, we’re not close at all,” when in reality, they’re much more attached to their ex than they claim to be.

#5 Hidden secrets. Your partner hides information about the times they meet their ex or interact with them, or manipulates the truth. If their relationship is so pure and platonic, why the lies?

#6 Comparisons. Your partner compares you negatively to their ex in the middle of a fight or a conversation. 

#7 Secrets. Your partner isn’t comfortable with you reading their ex’s texts or listening to their interactions with their ex.

#8 Meetings. Your partner meets their ex far too often. And they don’t even work together!

#9 Besties. Your partner treats their ex like a best friend, and confides everything to them. In fact, they seem more like best friends and less like exes.

#10 Who’s more important? Your partner fights you over their ex. Every time both of you fight over the ex, your partner always stands up for their ex and defends their relationship with them, even if it means hurting you or walking away from you.

Relationships with exes and complicated love stories may work very well in sitcoms, but they’re extremely painful in real life. Deal with it if you’re comfortable with it, but walk away if it’s something that can’t be fixed.

After all, all of us are different, and every individual has his or her own threshold for jealousy and insecurity in love. And if your partner chooses to defend their relationship with an ex instead of trying to help you trust them better, you need to ask yourself where you stand in their list of priorities.

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with being in a friendly relationship with an ex. But if your partner gives more importance to an ex than the relationship with you, then that’s definitely something you shouldn’t put up with anymore!

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5 Reasons Why So Many People Believe Feminism Hates Men and Why They’re Not True

5 Reasons Why So Many People Believe Feminism Hates Men and Why They’re Not True

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.”

Pat Robertson famously said this in the 90s, and the sentiment still rings as true in the ears of many today.  It’s an understatement to say that feminism has a bad rap.

Feminism doesn’t hate men.

So why do so many people think feminism = man-hating? Let’s look at a few explanations for this fallacy.

1 Because Some Individual Feminists Hate Men

Surprised to hear me say that?  It’s true.  There’s no point in avoiding it, so we might as well start with it.  Just look around the internet.

In 30 seconds on Google, I found this article (first page of my first search about “radical feminism”) and this delightful collection of quotes (my favorite: “To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.” Thanks for the gem, Valerie Solanas.).

You don’t have to look very hard to find examples of “feminists” who hate men.

But there’s a difference between “feminists” and “misandrists.”

Ever heard the term misandrist? It’s like misogynist but for hating men instead of women.

Yes, misandrist is a word. But feminist doesn’t mean “person who hates men.”  Feminist means “person who believes people should have equitable places in society regardless of their gender.”

Some feminists may be misandrists.  I linked to a couple above.  But it’s by no means a criterion to join the club.

A portion does not equal the whole, even if that portion is really loud.

Though they’re not even that loud, but can seem so because anti-feminists like to cherry pick quotes and ignore the much greater number of feminist writings, people, and organizations that say otherwise.

Some individual feminists hate men.  A lot of feminists might hate men. You might even argue based on what you find on the internet that most feminists hate men.  It’s irrelevant.

What matters is that feminism, distilled down to its absolute core, is about gender equity.  The goal of feminism is to create a society in which individuals’ genders don’t restrict them from an equitable shot at success and happiness.

Most feminists actively disagree with the belief that women are better than men and think that feminists who are anti-men are going against the fundamental principles of feminism, which says we’re all deserving and worthy human beings – women, men, trans* – and should be treated as such.

So man-hating isn’t a part of that goal.  It’s an unfortunate reactionary sentiment bought into by some people (misandrists) who also identify with the feminist movement.

A lot of people get drunk in college, but we know that college is more than a big drinking club, right?  Isn’t it?  Maybe I attended the wrong college

2 Because People Have Been Told Feminists Hate Men for 200+ Years

The whole “feminists hate men” thing has been tossed around for quite a long time now.  It’s not new.  The first “feminist” women who began advocating for equal status of women in the US did so in the late 1700’s, but it didn’t really pick up steam until the late 1800’s.

What crazy radical things were these man-haters asking for?  Primarily, the rights to own property, to attend college, and to vote.

In response to these requests, they were were labeled as anti-family, anti-God, anti-men radical hedonists.  That labeling has continued to today, because — surprise! — a group with a lot of power (men) tends to do whatever it can to maintain that power (dismiss equal rights as radical).

It’s happened with every oppressed ethnic group (from the Irish to the Africans) that’s immigrated the country.  It happened with oppressed religious groups (from the Catholics to the Muslims).  And it continues today with the oppressed gender group.

Why do people believe it if it’s not true?

Because people are irrational.  One of the ways I know this is true because there’s an entire book written about it.  An example of how we act irrationally is called diagnosis bias.

A particularly fascinating study showed that the smallest change in the way you describe someone can completely alter the way you perceive their behavior.  How about an example?

A university class (unknowing lab rats) had a substitute professor.  To introduce the professor, the class members were given short bios.  What they didn’t know was that half the bios had been very slightly altered (e.g., exchanging warm, positive adjectives for cold, callous ones).

After the lecture, the students were asked to review the professor.  The entire class saw the same man say the same things, yet the reviews were split 50/50 positive and negative.  Half the class said he was personable, considerate, and engaged, while the other half said he was ruthless, would do anything for success, and didn’t care about students or people.

The smallest change in the way someone is described can make a dramatic change in the way you interpret their behavior and demeanor.

Now, hypothetically speaking, imagine how twisted the perceptions would have been if the students were told the professor was a student-hating, self-serving, radical hedonist.

Oh wait.

3 Because Most Men Aren’t Bad But Think Feminism Says They Are

Let me bust a few myths.

1. Being a feminist doesn’t mean you believe “all men are rapists.”  This quote comes from a book by Marilyn French and it seems to be recited more by anti-feminists (as a means of debunking feminism) than feminists themselves.  It’s simply a ridiculous statement that’s been given a ridiculous amount of airtime.

2. Being a feminist doesn’t mean you think all men are evil.  Following up on the last point, a lot of anti-feminist folks make the argument that feminists believe all men are evil.  This is not true.

3. Being a feminist doesn’t mean you blame every individual man you know for hundreds of years of oppressive behavior.  Just like you wouldn’t point at a random White person today and blame them for slavery, you can’t blame an individual man today for a history of sexism.

A lot of people think about the things above, think about the men they know (or, if they are men, they think about themselves), and think “That’s ridiculous, ____ isn’t an evil rapist who is responsible for hundreds of years of sexism.”

A lot of people are right.

The thing feminism thinks is bad is the hundreds of years of sexism part, as well as the existence of sexism today.  Sexism is the problem — sexism that a lot of men engage in and a lot of women internalize.

Men engage in sexism because they’ve been taught to behave/think that way.  Women internalize it for the same reason.

Feminism asks both men and women to critically think about those normalized behavior and its impact, and holds people accountable to sexist thinking and behavior even if they didn’t initially realize it was sexist.

So yes, it’s natural to get defensive when someone brings up feminist issues because it’s likely you never thought you were doing anything wrong.  Does that make sexist behavior acceptable?  No.

That’s why we need to do a better job as a society to teach people how to treat each other with equity.  That’s what feminism is trying to do here.

4 Because Some Feminists Aren’t Willing To Address Men’s Issues (Though Some Are)

Working towards gender equity means equity for all genders, right?  Then what about men?  And what about trans* folks?  This is a question that often gets raised by men (about men, not as much for trans* folk).

Feminism in general has mixed feelings about addressing men’s (and trans*) issues.

I’ll be the first person to admit that there are a lot of gender-based men’s issues to address.  Like why young men today are less likely to graduate from college, attain a high GPA, be active in extracurricular organizations or seek leadership roles; or why men in general have always been more likely to be caught up in the criminal justice system or be homeless.  These are real issues, surely, and things our society should work to correct.

But do many feminists ignore these issues because they hate men?  No.

The mixed feelings about addressing men’s issues tend to stem from the fact that “men’s issues” tends to be the default in our society.  We’re a male dominant society.

Many feminists are concerned that addressing men’s issues (or gender issues as a broad goal) will move the conversation completely away from women’s issues, resulting in no progress for the women’s part of the gender progress. 

So instead they focus on women’s issues and allow others to focus on other’s issues.  Many feminists would like to see pro-feminist men tackle men’s issues in a way that doesn’t blame women and feminism for all their problems (like MRA’s).

However, it’s worth noting that we here at Everyday Feminism are both men- and trans*-inclusive.  We take an intersectional approach to feminism and look at how different groups of genders, sexual orientations, races, classes, and more are dominated in our society. Our inclusive approach is a big part of our popularity – i.e. a lot of feminists are also inclusive.

5 Because Sensationalism Is a Good Way To Distract From Real Issues

It’s pretty messed up that being born a certain way means you’re going to be less likely to earn as much money, achieve the same tier of success, be treated with respect and fairness, be elected into political office… but those restrictions are objectively measurable.

Those issues mentioned above affect just about every identity group in the US other than people who are White and male (and straight, non-disabled, etc.) — like me!

Instead of dealing with inequality and giving up a bit of unearned power, it’s far more fruitful to change the conversation and put the oppressed group on the defensive.

Blacks are more likely to be imprisoned because being a criminal is part of being black.  Have fun arguing about that while we enjoy our unfairly granted innocent verdicts.

Gays can’t be given rights to form families because being a child molester is part of being gay.  Go ahead and re-read all of those nonsensical studies and commission some more while we enjoy our access to 1,138 benefits granted solely to married couples.

Women don’t earn as much as men because earning a lower wage for the same work is part of being a woman.  Oh, and babies.  Don’t forget, you make the babies.  What a miracle!  That should be payment enough.

Social change is slow because the people in power are the ones writing the narrative, and they often choose a distracting narrative.

Did you know that up until the early 20th century there was an actual medical condition called “female hysteria” (yes, “hyster,” as in hysterectomy, or pertaining to the uterus)?

Some of the symptoms of female hysteria: loss of appetite, nervousness, irritability, fluid retention, emotional excitability, outbursts of negativity, excessive sexual desire and “a tendency to cause trouble.”

In other words, if a woman wasn’t eating, was eating too much, was angry, happy, wanted to have sex, or wanted equal rights for women (you trouble causers, you!), she was mentally ill and her behavior could be dismissed as such.

Guess who came up with that idea? You guessed it!  White dudes.

Am I Trying To Bring the White Man Down?

No.  I am a White man.  That wouldn’t serve me well at all.

What I’m trying to do, and what feminism is trying to do, is bring the woman up.

While an understandable response to this idea for men is a defensive one, considering so many of the bad things in history have been caused by men (by so many, I mean, like, all of them).  That’s also a positive response, because it means you’re accessing empathy.

You don’t want to be seen as the “bad guy” (what a misandristic term!).  You don’t hate women.  You’ve never oppressed women.  Of course you haven’t.  Oppression doesn’t happen on the individual level.

But it happens.  And as a man, particularly one who is White (like me!), you are granted a lot of privileges that stem from hundreds of years of oppression.  You get that privilege whether you choose to have them or not.

The only choice you get is what you do with your privilege.

Do you use it to make for a more equitable society for

mothers, sisters, and daughters you love

 all human beings, of all genders?

Or do you keep whining about how feminists hate men and distracting yourself and others from serious issues of inequality?

Your call.

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Dark side of romance: Don't let your budding relationship fade to black.

The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating

Ever wondered why a certain relationship just fizzled out, questioned why "Mr Right" suddenly became "Mr No Longer Returning Your Calls" or been head-in-hands asking "where did it all go wrong"?

Have you found yourself on the receiving end of conduct from a new love interest that left you evaluating your own better judgment and had you running for the hills?

Do we sometimes forget that relationships and their ability to flourish often rely heavily on our own initial behaviours and the messages they convey to others?

When it comes to navigating the ever-changing minefield of dating, there are seven deadly sins thou shalt not commit if you want to give a new relationship it's best chance of survival, according to the chief love officer at Last First Date, Sandy Weiner.

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Also referred to as the "man whisperer", Weiner is an internationally renowned dating coach, blogger and workshop leader who teaches women how to better communicate with and understand men, as well as guiding them on the do's and don'ts of modern dating.

So what are the seven deadly sins of dating that could leave you scratching your head and single?

Thou shall not lust: Too often we meet a man who won't commit because he thinks there might be someone better out there for him and we can fall into the trap of thinking the grass is greener.

“It's very simple... women need to be crystal clear on what they want in a man and stop chasing and dating emotionally unavailable men,” Weiner says.

Gluttony: No one wants to date a cling-on and showing signs of neediness or desperation is unattractive.

Weiner teaches that self-esteem is our sexiest attribute, which plays a huge part in attracting the right potential partner. The more you know and love yourself, the more you'll know what you want and need in a relationship.

“It's all about confidence. Confidence is sexy; you are sexy when you exude confidence. When you have clarity and confidence, that's when you'll attract a committed relationship with a quality guy,” Weiner says.

Greed: Women who love the money, not the man. Call them gold diggers, sugar babies or opportunists, women seeking a human ATM are sabotaging any chance they have of a meaningful emotional connection.

“Putting money and material objects before respect, trust, commitment and love is a guaranteed recipe for disaster,” warns Weiner.

Sloth: One of the main reasons new relationships fizzle or fail is complacency, when one or both parties fail to put in the effort.

Weiner cautions against letting the relationship become boring and reminds us that a good relationship takes work. Being complacent or lazy during the initial stages of dating is inexcusable and shows an incapacity to maintain a meaningful relationship.

“People pick up on inconsistencies," she says. "If your words and actions don't line up, you can't build trust. This isn't about lying as much as being irregular in your behaviours.”

Wrath: Hell may hath no fury like a woman scorned, but the scorned will be destined for singledom if they continue to harbour anger towards an ex or dwell on issues from a previous relationship.

Are you bringing an air of anger and bitterness into your dating life? Before entering into a new relationship, Weiner believes it's important to let go of any residual resentment or anger.

“When you allow anger to seep into a date, especially before you even know the other person well, the message is: 'I'm a victim' – and that's a turn off,” says Weiner.

Envy: Jealousy is an ugly emotion and no one wants to date a green-eyed monster. Jealousy breeds insecurity and there is nothing more off-putting to a new partner than someone who is constantly questioning their actions or are begrudging of others.

“If you're jealous of an ex moving on or a friend who seems to have better luck in dating than you, instead of focusing your energy on envying how well they're doing, let other's successes inspire you to try harder," says Weiner. "Don't bring that jealousy to your date or new relationship.”

Pride: Self-centredness is not sexy. In the early stages of a relationship egotism and self-absorption can be instant deal-breakers.

Weiner warns that people who turn down potential dates on face value because the person doesn't tick enough boxes, make enough money or isn't attractive enough are damaging their potential to meet a mate.

Thinking that no one is good enough for you is a sure-fire way to ensure you remain single for a very long time.

“If you talk incessantly about yourself on a date and don't listen well or ask enough questions, you will turn off your date and ruin your chance for future dates," says Weiner. "The art of learning to listen is the key to being a great conversationalist and getting that next date.”

Are there any other deadly sins thou should not commit when dating?

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