Showing posts with label infidelity. Show all posts

Sunday, 21 February 2016

11 Subtle Signs You're On The Verge Of Having An Affair

"Male or Female the temptation to have an affair is always all around you, my advice to you if you are thinking about embarking on an affair is "Don't even go there" unless you can handle the fallout. Your life will never be the same again, you will have to live with the guilt of hurting the people you love and that is hard to deal with." - Susan

11 Subtle Signs You're On The Verge Of Having An Affair

You've got it BAD.

For most, affairs aren't necessarily wrapped up in mere curiosity, nor are they always about the sensual, sweaty romp most imagine. Sometimes, it's not even about sex at all.

In actuality, an affair can start from something more basic, like the level of intimacy you lack with your own partner. So before you start planning your rendezvous, ask yourself how you got to this moment in the first place. Here's a look at eleven subtle signs you're on the verge of an affair:

1. You hesitate when someone asks if you're in a relationship.

Or if they ask, "So how are things going?" you say, "Well, sort of..." or "It's complicated." The fact that you're hesitating about an obvious relationship that you're in reveals that you're uncertain about your current relationship and where you two stand.

"It's complicated" may imply that things aren't great, that you're considering a way out. It might even show that if you felt that the right opportunity presented itself, you may bethinking of cheating.

2. You stare or make eye contact with people who aren't your partner.

Looking at others is harmless, but once your gaze lasts longer than a few seconds and you're looking at another person up and down, you're imagining yourself with that person. Now, you're undressing them with your eyes. From there, you begin to imagine all sorts of things you shouldn't even be thinking because the person you're gawking at isn't your partner.

3. You share too much information with the person you're attracted to.

Eventually, the person you're sharing with is privy to all sorts of information your partner isn't, giving this person the upper hand, which can be used to seduce you in the near future.

4. You agree to meet anyone for a "quick lunch" or "a drink."

If your meeting or get-together has nothing to do with work or isn't truly platonic, you may be crossing the line. If there are feelings involved on either side, you may be meeting this person, unknowingly weighing the options as to whether you're ready to take your friendship to the next level.

5. You brush against the other person as often as possible

Playful as it may seem, brushing against one another can excite both of you, as your bodies begin to manifest latent desires you two know are there, but aren't pursuing. Allowing someone else to brush the hair from your face, or run their fingers through your hair can trigger the eye-closing groan that instantly denotes pleasure. Of course, you two will begin to read one another's body language, especially the signals for pleasure.

6. You outwardly touch someone else.

Touching one another sends certain signals to your brain. That slight stimulation, though harmless, can lead to more, especially if your touch or the other person's touch begins to linger. Part of you already enjoys this person and imagines yourself being with him or her. Sooner or later, your body will ultimately follow.

7. You start lying about what you're doing or where you are.

If you start sneaking around in any way as it relates to the person you're spending more time with, chances are you're on the verge of an affair. Instinctively, you begin to lie, covering up your tracks to avoid getting caught, while allowing yourself to be in subtly seductive situations where you two can meet in secret.

8. You're experiencing mood swings.

If you're suddenly happy, grumpy, absent-minded all the time, or display any other noticeable change in behaviour, not being around this person begins to affect your mood. This other person has become your emotional crutch and your happiness, so your feelings for your partner are changing, which makes it easier and "excusable" to have an affair.

9. You change your appearance.

If you begin to splurge on areas you didn't before — a new haircut, lingerie, a gym membership, mani-pedis or clothes — you're buying these things to impress this new person. You know that your partner appreciates you the way you are, and so does your new interest. Still, some part of you is trying to make a good impression on him or her, so you're showing your best side to ensure that you're utterly irresistible.

10. You make a drastic life change.

If you were once a couch potato only able to get off of the couch for work and friends, but now suddenly find yourself the life of the party, you may be changing your outward appearance for the benefit of this new person. Even better, you may be trying to get out more and improve your self-image in order to get away from your partner.

You begin to be about "others." Volunteering, people-pleasing and finding new outlets of excitement could be directly or indirectly related to this new person in your life, which may not be all that bad. Still, it means that you're seeing things differently than you did before.

11. You're discreetly texting, calling or messaging another person.

If you can't go without hearing from this person in one form of communication or another, you've got it bad. If you get lost in a whirlwind of texts, emails, IMs or any other form of communication, you're already far-gone. You become lost in your messages and begin to lose your focus at work, with friends or at home.

Lack of communication is something most cite for ending their relationships; yet, here you are, communicating often with this other person who isn't your partner. You two are sharing something far more profound than attraction for one another. Your relationship is far too intimate at this point. Soon, you two will find yourselves in a position you can no longer ignore.

Before you begin any of these heavily flirtatious stages that lead to an affair, consider the consequences. Truly allow yourself to ponder if this other person is worth it. Allow yourself to explore doubts about whether you and this other person have a chance at long-lasting love, or whether it's fleeting desire you feel.

In other words, be sure that once you've reached the turning point, the person you're moving toward is a better fit than the one you're moving away from.

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Tuesday, 17 November 2015

WHY ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO OTHER PEOPLE?

"If you are already in a relationship them my advice to you regarding crushes would be, to snap out of it, don't go there, its dangerous territory". - Susan

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WHY ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO OTHER PEOPLE?

Roving eye? You're not alone. MH looks at the science of crushes

It shouldn’t shock you to learn that your wife or partner may be attracted to other men. You’ve probably checked out other women—maybe even fantasised about one—in the last 24 hours. But that doesn’t mean this information is easy to digest: 70 per cent of women in relationships admit to having crushes on other guys, according to new research from Indiana University.

Yes, full-on crushes. Like when she flirts with someone, daydreams about him, and doodles his name on her notebook. Or as one study participant put it: “tried not to show anything outwardly, but did think about it a bit when masturbating.”

In the study, women who had been in a relationship for at least 3 years answered open-ended questions about their crushes. (And we’re not talking about university students; most of the subjects were married.) The main thing we learned: it’s totally normal to have feelings for other people, says study author Margo Mullinax, Ph.D., who is now a postdoctoral fellow at Columbia University. It’s a revolutionary idea, really. We’d all like to think that the ability to be attracted to someone else vanishes the second you exchange rings. But why would it?

“Crushes can continue throughout your lifespan,” says Mullinax. “You don’t just stop having them because you’re in a relationship. It’s natural, when you’re around someone a lot, to develop feelings.”

While Mullinax says this phenomenon hasn’t yet been studied in men, but let’s be honest: it’s completely logical that the same goes for guys.

Now for the dirty details. Many women described their crushes as casual and purely physical.

“Oh my, he was beautiful,” says one respondent. “It’s just a physical reaction when I’m near him,” says another. Others talked about feeling chemistry or an emotional connection with the other guy. A quarter of the crushes were on a coworker. (Surprise!) Exes and close friends were also common culprits.

The good news: her crush has absolutely nothing to do with you or your relationship, says Mullinax. Attraction to other people is practically inevitable, regardless of whether your marriage is struggling or rock-solid. It doesn’t mean she’s going to cheat, either. Many respondents went out of their way to specify that they would never act on their feelings.

And of all the women who confessed to having crushes on other guys, only 5 per cent admitted to infidelity. The total percentage of people who cheat is actually much higher, around 20 per cent for both men and women, according to other research from Indiana University. In fact, many women said their feelings for the other guys even improved their relationships.

“They might feel more aroused throughout the day, then go home and transfer that desire to their partner,” Mullinax says.

Don’t like the idea that she gets horny for another guy? Just know this: The more a woman fantasises, the greater her sexual desire, says Mullinax. And a faithful wife who craves sex is nothing but good news for you. (Remember, "95 per cent" of these women never strayed.)

Other respondents said that thinking about being with another man reminded them of why they were with their partner. For example: “I usually snap out of it and realise I wouldn’t really want to be with or see that person . . . and how much I appreciate my husband and all of his attributes and the healthy balanced relationship we have.”

How to Handle a Crush

If it’s so normal to have crushes on other people—but you don’t want to lose your spouse—the trick, then, is to figure out how to manage your feelings.

There’s no one right way to do that, says Mullinax. It all depends on what works for you. Some couples talk openly about their crushes, but if that’s going to cause hard feelings, it’s OK to keep your lips sealed, too.

If you’re not sure what to do about your own extramarital infatuations, consider taking a cue from the women in Mullinax’s study. They reported using several different strategies to defeat temptation—you’ll know which tactic is right for you.

Talk about it . . .

Telling your partner about your crushes can make them less of a threat, says Mullinax. “We discuss [crushes] openly and in as much detail as we feel comfortable,” one woman wrote. “Because human attraction is natural, we recognise that it is better to be open and honest about these feelings and deal with jealousy through reassurance and trust.”

. . . Or don’t

You may feel that it’s pointless to discuss a meaningless crush. Keeping it to yourself can be healthy, too, says Mullinax. Some people would rather not think about their life partner having the hots for someone else—you probably know if your wife is one of them. As one woman put it: “It doesn’t pose a real threat to our relationship and I don’t want him to worry unnecessarily.”

Bury your crush . . .

Having the opportunity to cheat is one of the main predictors of whether you’ll cheat, according to shocking research. This why the avoidance technique employed by many of the study respondents is smart: try to put the thoughts of your crush out of your mind and don’t spend time alone with him or her. Especially when drunk.

. . . Or go ahead and fantasize

Keeping your crush all in your head is what works for many people. Some women wrote that they fantasised during masturbation or sex, and that was enough to satisfy their desires. “Then it’s fulfilled its useful purpose and it’s gone,” as one woman says. Above all, know that crushes are harmless.

The researchers did notice a trend in the few relationships that were negatively affected by crushes: The couples tended to demonize attraction to other people. If you assume that your partner will never be attracted to someone else—or that attraction will inevitably lead to infidelity—it will cause disappointment and conflict, Mullinax says. So remember that it’s natural for both of you to occasionally feel drawn to someone else. Just don’t forget why you picked her to spend your life with, and trust her to do the same.

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Monday, 9 November 2015

9 Ways To Cope When You Realise YOU'RE The Other Woman

"Do yourself a favour: Get out fast and find yourself a man that isnt somebody else's. Why be someone's second best when you are worthy of being someone's number one" - Susan

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9 Ways To Cope When You Realise YOU'RE The Other Woman By Jessica Wakeman

It's a messy situation, but you WILL get through it.

Despite valiant human rights work on behalf of Angelina Jolie to make "the other woman" not look like a big ol' skank, the truth is most people still think "the other woman" is ... well, a big ol' skank.

And guess what, ladies?! There's this awesome double standard where people shrug their shoulders at Mr. Married But Couldn't Keep His Pants Zipped and say, "Boys will be boys," while they give you the stink-eye, you home-wreckin' ho! So you have your work cut out for you!

Take me, for instance: I'd been flirting with and developing strong feelings for a male friend for about eight months, during which he kept saying he was steadily growing more unhappy with his long-term girlfriend. I finally got frustrated by his dilly-dallying and told him to either be with me or scram; he chose to leave me alone.

But three weeks passed and the day after Valentine's Day I got a text message from him saying he realised he wanted to break up with her and be with me. Each day passed and I grew more anxious that he hadn't dumped her yet. Finally, he lied to me about how they were "on a break," which I discovered was untrue after a little sniffing around.

I flipped out big time. I sent his girlfriend a long email about her two-timing, lying bastard of a boyfriend. Of course, he told me that was "crazy" and that if I thought he'd break up with his girlfriend for me, I must have just misunderstood.

Wait, what? Uh-huh. Right. Misunderstood.

Looking back on that dramz, the only thing I misunderstood was how to handle being "the other woman":

1. First of all, look at yourself in the mirror and say this as many times as you need to: "I am not a bad person."

If you tell people about your affair, you'll get called every name in the book by your guy's wife or girlfriend, her friends, and possibly by him. The hardest part of this whole situation is the judgment that others cast upon you, not the heartbreak. Nasty labels like "slut," "skank," and "whore" really sting, especially since I'm guessing you, like me, sincerely believed the only new label you'd be picking up would be "girlfriend."

It's vital to your self-esteem that you realize you made some stupid mistakes when you had the oxytocin hormone pumping through your body, but you're not a bad person overall. Words like "slut" are only as painful as you let them be.

Also, nobody's probably calling him a slut, so don't sweat your less-than-ladylike behaviour too badly.

2. Stop thinking in black and white.

Everything from here on out is in a morally gray area. You hear that? Gray! Banish all-or-nothing thinking from your brain, such as, "But he can't do that!" Sure he can, honey, and he just did.

I know that everything feels black and white right now, like his wife or girlfriend just has to see all these text messages he sent you saying he's falling more in love every day. But when cooler heads prevail, you'll stop thinking in absolutes, which, in my opinion, only leads to more drama.

3. Prepare yourself for him telling you that "you believed what you wanted to believe."

And that's fine with him—whatever he tells himself you believe on your own helps him sleep better at night! When you say, "But you told me you'd break up with her for me!" he'll tell you that's just what you wanted to think. And in a tone of voice which indicates you must have been an idiot to believe that.

4. Realise that his wife or girlfriend doesn't want (or need) to talk to you.

You'll tell yourself that she absolutely must talk to you to hear the whole story. News flash: You remind Cheater's Wife/Girlfriend of his infidelity and she does not want that rubbed in her face any more than she'd want dog poo on a silver platter.

I had to have this one explained to me by a 60-something evangelical Christian lady, of all people. But after I sent my crazy email, I thought there was a slim chance the girlfriend and I would commiserate together about the lyin' bastard. That's what happens in the movies, doesn't it? But my best friend's mom set me straight that his girlfriend likely hated my guts and never wanted to see me again, ever.

5. She also doesn't care about apologies from you either.

In her mind, you're just a total skank and she's not interested in hearing you grovel. Give her this point. (See item above.)

6. Don't tell people who know the couple involved.

Your friends or family might feel like they have to pick sides. Trust me, that's a situation you're better off avoiding.

The stupidest thing I did in my situation was to spill the beans to our mutual best friend who, I quote, said I "dropped a dirty diaper" in his lap. He really resented it and it screwed up our friendship in a lot of ways for nearly eight months.

That experience taught me the not-so-fun lesson that friends will choose sides, even if you tell them not to, and the old saying "bros before hos" (meaning guys stick up for their guy friends, no matter what) is alive and well!

My advice? Telling a friend three-times-removed—perhaps someone who lives in Mongolia—is a far better idea if you really need a pal to talk some sense into you.

7. I know you don't want to hear this but ... let him go (he's not worth it).

If he is cheating on his wife or girlfriend with you, he is not anyone with whom you want to be involved.

My guy said over and over again that he wanted to break up with her for me and he kept asking me to trust that he would eventually do that. But eventually I realized I was being stupid and it became obvious he wasn't telling the truth to either of us. If we had started dating, what basis would I have to ever believe him?

8. Let cliché advice set you straight!

Simcha has a great little saying to remind you that you're better off without all this drama: "If you lay down with the dogs, you're going to get fleas." It's a fancy way of saying: You are not Angelina Jolie, he is not Brad Pitt, and this is always going to end in disaster.

9. When you find a new, unattached boyfriend (preferably after lots of therapy!), you'll realise life goes on.

A couple of months down the line, you'll no longer have feelings for this jerk. And a couple of years later, he'll be buried in the credits along with so many other minor characters in your life.

And you know what? That girl he cheated on you with might still be with him!

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Thursday, 30 July 2015

My Guy Is Really Flirty ....With Other Women!

My Guy Is Really Flirt...With Other Women!

By Minot Pettinato-Little

Does your boyfriend look a little too long at the sexy waitress, or spend a little too much time with his female BFF? Here’s what you can do.

As females, we’ve learned at a young age how to bat our lashes, laugh at lame jokes, sizzle with sarcastic sensuality, and twirl our hair without breaking a nail, all for the sake of becoming the perfect flirt. So what happens when the tables are turned and it’s your man who can’t seem to zip his sexy lips around other girls?

What do you do when harmless flirtation has crossed into the monogamy-zone? Sure, flirting can sometimes be harmless, but it can also spell the ruin of your relationship. You never know when his seemingly harmless flirtation is an open door towards infidelity!

How to handle a flirty boyfriend

When your guy just can’t seem to keep himself from trying to charm the ladies all around him, here are 5 things you can do to rein in your man.

#1 Try to address your trust issues. Do you have trust issues with your mate? If you have faced a blip in the past, such as him cheating or exchanging wildly inappropriate texts or touches with another female, then you need to nip this thing in the bud. Either toss him out, or set him straight.

However, if your jealousy is unfounded and your guy’s never really done anything to afford your mistrust, try to take a chill pill. Sometimes, people are just flirty by nature. In fact, most females remain extremely flirtatious even after they are in a committed relationship. This doesn’t mean they don’t love their partner, it is just an aspect of their personality.

#2 Don’t jump all over him. It may seem tempting to jump down your man’s throat every time he gives a passing glance to another female, or leaves a larger-than-life tip for a foxy female waitress who did a lower-than-low job at serving.

However, you need to remember not to sweat the small stuff, either. Just because your man loves you doesn’t mean he’s dead inside. Sure, you love your guy, but does that mean you never notice when a hot fellah is walking down the street? Don’t confuse appreciation with flirtation.

If it’s not just jealousy and you’re honestly having a problem with the way your boyfriend is talking to other females, then instead of immediately taking the jealous bait, try compiling your list of evidence from a month’s worth of wrongdoings and calmly…

#3 Bring it up. Men don’t appreciate being attacked and you may just end up putting him on the defensive if you react this way. You may try to first bring it up with him with sarcasm or a well-timed joke. Skilled couples can turn this serious conversation into witty banter without things ever getting awkward, with the end of the conversation usually being wrapped up in a “Sorry babe, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I won’t do that anymore/I’ll try harder” acquiescence

However, if witty isn’t your thing then you may choose to highlight some past instances of his flirtations or interactions with other women. Explain to him that it upsets you and makes you feel disrespected. Try to put him in your shoes and ask him how he would feel in certain circumstances.

If you have experience with similar issues because of similar flirting in a past relationship, humbly explain this to your man and ask if he could tone down the figurative lash batting. If he still doesn’t listen after this, you may want to…

#4 Do a little snooping. While this option is an inappropriate misuse of power, as well as an invasion of personal privacy, the truth is that most girls do it. If your man has a close female friend or carries on a flirtatious relationship with other women, and suddenly your Spidey senses are going off, you may want to follow the snooping avenue.

Check his social media, e-mails, and if you can wrangle it: his phone. Odds are, if he’s behaving badly, he’ll have some evidence left on one of these networks. Notes to keep in mind? Most men don’t delete their “sent” message folders, and they will also put their cheating mistress in their phone under a guy’s name – so be sure to check the conversations to see that “Chad” and him aren’t having wildly curious conversations about blowjobs.

If you’re not up for being the “snooping girlfriend” and he maintains his innocence on the matter, you could always come out and ask him if he could show you his social networks and a quick skim of his texts to put your mind at ease.

Remember to make this request humbly, and with manners. Tell him you don’t want to have access to his passwords and that instead of being a phone-snatching-stalker, you’d prefer the situation to be as respectful as possible to his privacy.

Explain to him that you want to trust him, and if he could show these things to you, at your immediate request to avoid tampering with the evidence, you would be eternally grateful – not to mention much more fun to be around.

#5 Give him a taste of his own medicine. Take note: revenge is the extreme measure that you only want to take when push comes to shove. If your boyfriend still isn’t backing down with the flirtatious behavior, or flat-out denies what he’s doing, then it’s time to bring out the big guns: revenge.

Give your lover a taste of his own medicine and show some of his moves to the men in your life: his friends, your friends, waiters at restaurants and cuties in bars. Don’t go out of your way to embarrass your boy, though! Simply let your inner flirt shine through and see how he reacts.

The ideal situation would be him feeling the old bite of the jealous bug and the twoof you having a good laugh about it in years to come. The bad outcome? He flips out and can’t see the comparison between what you’re doing and what he’s doing.

If the latter happens to be the case, seriously consider dumping this guy. Relationships aren’t 60/40 and they aren’t even 50/50 – they are 100%, and if you’re not getting 100% of the respect you’re giving, then you need to take your goods elsewhere.

It could be that your man is messing around, or it could be that he’s simply a flirt who happens to be wildly committed to you. If you’re down with that, great. If you’re not? Don’t stick around. A relationship where you don’t feel respected is not a relationship worth staying in.

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Saturday, 15 March 2014

What's Luck Got To Do With It?

Feel like you're unlucky in love … and life?

You'd think since I married an Irishman that I'd have the "luck of the Irish" rubbing off on me. These last few years, however, seem more like, "If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all." Do you know the feeling?

Do you believe bad luck follows you around? Does it seem that good luck follows everyone else around and skips you? Well, it’s true. And there is a good reason why you're not lucky ...

Because you believe you're not.

The concept of luck suggests that there is something or someone else responsible for your life, but there isn't. Sure, there may be circumstances you had no control over (acts of god, decisions of others) but only you get to decide how those events affect you.

Here are a couple of examples you might relate to:

Do you believe that because your partner cheated on you that you're not lucky in love?
If your company laid off 10 percent of the workforce and your position was eliminated, do you feel that you got the short end of the stick?

Whether it's a large life event like these or something small, such as the cute guy at the bar asked out your best friend, not being chosen for a special assignment at work or losing your cell phone, you get to choose how you think about it. I promise you: If you'll look at it from a positive perspective, your stress level will drop immediately and any “recovery period” will be shorter.

It really is all about the spin you put on it. You may not like where you are at the moment but it doesn't mean you're going to be there forever. By turning it into an experience that lifts you up you're able to get back to enjoying your life quicker.

The examples above would sound more like this with a positive spin:

My partner cheated on me I don't trust him. That is a reflection on him. I do not accept his disrespect and am committed to honoring myself in future relationships.
My company downsized and my position was eliminated. I will use this opportunity to find another position that will utilize my skills and experience and provide me with the security/job satisfaction/salary I want.

Notice that the stories are the same and only the perspective has changed. Could you even begin to feel lucky that you discovered your partner’s infidelity sooner rather than later? That subtle shift feels better, doesn't it? If you agree, but you still feel crappy about it then take one more look at what's really causing you pain.

Your husband's infidelity happened. Of course you're not going to tolerate it and you're angry. But every time you relieve your feelings of anger and betrayal you're making a choice to do so. His actions are over. Yours are continuing. When you look at it with this perspective, it takes "luck" right out the window. It's your choice. If, instead, you choose to honor yourself and commit to living your life with the respect and love you deserve you feel your power!

It all comes down to choices — not luck. What makes you feel better? Choose that!

What choice have you made in your life that made you feel powerful? Comment below.

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Thursday, 20 February 2014

Big testicles, fellas? She'll cheat on you. Tiny balls? She won’t, say scientists

testicles, bonobos, gorillas, infidelity, cheating

Big testicles, fellas? She'll cheat on you. Tiny balls? She won’t, say scientists

INFIDELITY: Bonobos, who mate in large groups, have particularly large testicles [GETTY]

According to scientists at the University of Oslo, big balls are more likely to mean a fella has an unfaithful partner.

Assistant Professor Petter Bøckman pointed to the example of gorillas, who have "tiny" testicles.

There is only one male in troops of gorillas, unlike fellow apes bonobos, who mate in large groups.

As such, bonobos have particularly large testicles with the aim of increasing their sperm count, giving them a greater chance of becoming dads.

FAITHFUL: Male gorillas have tiny testicles [GETTY]

“We can determine the degree of fidelity in the female by looking at the size of the male’s testicles," said Prof. Bøckman, reports Phys.org.

"The less faithful the female, the larger the male’s testicles.

"If the male will only fertilise one female and has no competitors, he only needs sufficient sperm to reach the egg.

"If the female mates on the side, it is smart to have as many cars as possible in the race.

"Then, the male must have testicles that are as large as possible.

"Bonobos in particular have huge testicles. They mate with everybody.

"There is an abundant flow of semen. Those who leave the greatest amount of sperm have the largest chance of fathering offspring.

"In gorilla troops there is only one male. Even though the gorilla has a small harem, he has no need for large testicles – his balls are tiny."

Prof. Bøckman also suggested the size of human testicles (one and a half times larger than those of gorillas) proves infidelity amongst our species.

He added: "We can pledge our fidelity until we are blue in the face, but this is evidence that our females are cheating.

"We are not like chimpanzees, where the female has four or five sexual partners every time she is in heat, but there is always a certain likelihood that the neighbouring male has dropped by."

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