Ten Signs Your Relationship Isn’t Working: Break Up or Fix It

Breaking up pretty much sucks. There’s no question about it. There’s no way I can sit here and tell you precisely what to do; That’s a call that you alone have to make… which is exactly why it can be so hard.

However, there are certain issues in a relationship that are deal breakers and when you run into one of these that one question pops into your mind “Do I break up or do we work it out?” Well, there’s no “one-size-fits-all” answer here. In two separate relationships the two exact same situations can mean two completely different things. With that said, here are ten of the most common reasons people grow apart or want to break up and advice on how you can break up smoothly or fix things.

Whether you want to break up or work through things, The Art of Charm has your back.

1. Problem: One of You Thinks the Other Is Needy

Relationships are great, but they work best when it’s two people coming together to make a greater whole. One of the most important parts of that is being an independent person who holds his own. Writer and researcher David Deida discusses this a lot, speaking about the importance in modern relationships of people to maintain their sense of identity and independence:

The “modern” style of relationship is based on two independent people coming together and working out an equitable partnership. Each partner is expected to shoulder half the responsibilities, more or less, right down the middle. Each often has their own source of income, and together they negotiate a 50/50 plan to divide household duties, parenting, and financial obligations.”

There is a famous quote from Kahlil Gibran’s modern masterpiece “The Prophet” that speaks really well to the necessity to have space in a healthy relationship “ And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart. and the oak tree and cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

Solution: Plan for time apart. Cultivate outside interests.

If you want to fix this, you need to hold up your end as the man in the relationship and lead by example:

• Start a poker night with the guys.
• Volunteer for a weekend away for work
• Start working out or pick up an old favorite or new sport to play
• Do whatever to create a bit of space between the two of you, which allows each of you to recover your own identity.

Reasons to Break Up:  When the two of you have a unitary identity and you can’t pull yourself out of it despite your best efforts. Losing yourself is not good or healthy for anyone. If you can’t find your identity even after trying repeatedly, do both of you a favor and call it quits.

2. Problem: You’re in a High-Conflict Relationship

You guys fight. A lot. Even by the standards of people who fight a lot. No matter what, it seems like the two of you can’t even do the simplest things without it becoming a huge deal. In fact, as we recently referenced in an infographic from The Art of Charm, constant fighting is the cause of nearly one-third of all breakups.

It’s easy to see why: living your life walking on eggshells, wondering what’s going to cause the next big blow up is miserable. At the same time, maybe you still love her and want to be together, but you just don’t want the fights. How do you know if it’s possible to keep your relationship and ditch the conflict?

Solution: Counseling, mediation and anger management.

Counseling often starts by helping you two figure out if you even want to be together. That process alone can be well worth the money spent. However, counseling also helps by providing a more objective intermediary. It’s less a case of who’s “wrong” or “right,” but rather how you two can work better together.

Finally, consider learning more about anger management like these ten tips from the Mayo Clinic. When Anger Hurts Your Relationship: 10 Simple Solutions for Couples Who Fight which offer practical tips for high-conflict couples, such as behavioral contracts, relaxation techniques, de-escalating the argument and how to be angry without being disrespectful.

Reasons to Break Up: You just can’t stop fighting

Some relationships take on an emotionally sado-masochistic character. There’s no fixing these they are what is called irreparably toxic. Put simply, the part of the relationship you like is the one that allows you to hurt and be hurt. You need counseling, but not with her — just by yourself.

3. Problem: Jealousy Is a Constant Undercurrent

It’s probably not that surprising that infidelity is a major cause of breakups, to the tune of over 36 percent. However, you don’t need cheat to deal with some of the negatives associated with it, namely jealousy.

Jealousy can originate from one person, though more often than not, it’s a dynamic that involves you both. You worry when she talks to another guy, she worries when you even mention a woman. With that kind of energy in a relationship it can be draining as well as limiting on both of your freedom. The question is how do you fix things and reverse the trend?

Solution: Become more comfortable with yourself.

The root cause of jealousy is almost always insecurity. What this means is that the only way you can stop it on your end is to be more comfortable with yourself. Stop projecting your own insecurities onto the other person. Focus on the good things in the relationship. Stop thinking you can read her mind. This can disrupt the feedback loop causing constant jealousy in your relationships.

Reasons to Break Up: You can stop it, but she can’t.

Relationships are made up of two people, but you’re only ultimately responsible for yourself. Here, you can only lead by example. If she can’t leave her jealousy behind (which could take months, not days or weeks), it’s time to start looking at making the painful choice to end things.

4. One or Both of You Is Bored

Boredom is almost inevitable in relationships if the relationship lasts long enough. It is easy to settle into a routine and routines and boredom go together like peanut butter and jelly. The question isn’t whether or not boredom is going to happen; It’s how you’re going to deal with boredom when it does happen. With one in five women breaking up because they missed being single, you need to take boredom seriously.

Solution: Do something new and exciting together.

“New and exciting” is super open-ended, which is the good thing about it: Maybe it means you take a trip around the world, maybe it means you take a dance class together. The point is that you need to introduce novelty into the relationship. It’s not that hard to do. In fact, the hardest part will probably be deciding from among many options.

• Staycation: Go rent a hotel room and party all weekend.
• Explore a New City: It doesn’t have to be far away or exotic. It just has to be somewhere you’ve never been before.
• Do Something You’ve Never Done Before: Again, it doesn’t matter if it’s bungee jumping or eating sushi; The point here is to do new things together.

I wrote a piece on Dating Ideas for the Adventurous that might help. Check it out before you plan your next adventure date.

Reasons to Break Up: Boredom isn’t the real problem.

Sometimes we think boredom is the problem, but it’s really not. The real problem is something else — anything else. It’s only when we begin addressing the problem of boredom do we realize that there was something else there.

5. Your Sex Life Isn’t What It Used to Be

Much like boredom, your sex life hitting the skids is almost a certainty. That doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it; It just means that you have to accept the inevitability and be ready for it. So what’s the cure for a sex life that isn’t what it used to be?

Solution: Try new things in the bedroom that maybe you’ve only talked about.

This can be anything from tantric sex to taking a BDSM workshop. It really doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you two need to have a frank conversation about your sex life. Note that it doesn’t have to be — indeed, should not be — some serious “relationship talk.” These types of conversations work best when they’re a sort of flirting. Make it fun, not heavy.

Reasons to Break Up: You’re just not into the same stuff.

You can have a meaningful connection, but if you’re on two totally different pages when it comes to sex, neither of you are ever going to be happy. For a sexual relationship to prosper, you need to be pleasing her and she needs to be pleasing you. If you’re still not sure if you two are right together, sexually speaking, try taking this sexual compatibility test over at Psychology Today.

6. One of You Is Always Trying to Change the Other

No one likes it when someone else tries to change them. It places stress on both of you and thus, the whole relationship. Not only does it cause stress, it can also cause resentment and resentment is toxic. So if one or both of you is always trying to change the other one, what do you do?

Solution: Accept that the other person is who they are and demand the same.

Men and women are not the same. Both of you need to accept this. You shouldn’t demand that your girly-girl girlfriend enjoy your poker nights any more than she should accept that you like shoe shopping. In fact, our differences are what make sex and dating so exciting. If you wanted someone you could control you’d be with yourself. Let it go. Accept them for who they are.

Reasons to Break Up: One of you can’t let the other person be themselves.  

Start by asking yourself if you still love her. If the answer is “yes,” do you love her but not think she’s right for you? Why not? Was she right for you when you first got together but now one or both of you has changed?

If she’s exactly what you’re looking for, but you’re still finding faults, you need to consider that maybe you’re being unnecessarily judgmental. Everyone has flaws; Why are you picking hers apart? There are a lot of reasons guys do this, but a lot of times it comes from setting unrealistically high standards for yourself, then projecting them onto other people. That’s a problem only you can fix for yourself.

1. There’s No Long-Term Potential

Some girls are fun, but there’s nothing really there. Good times, good sex, good laughs… but nothing more tangible than that. Presumably, if you two are more than “just dating,” you want some kind of long-term potential. If you’re not feeling it, that’s a serious problem.

Solution: Evaluate why she is not a keeper.

Why don’t you two have any long-term potential? It could be something as simple as “we’ve never talked about it.” It could be as complicated as she’s Jewish, you’re Catholic and that’s important to both of you. Either way, you can’t fix it or even know if you can until you know what it is.

It can be difficult to communicate such personal issues, not least of all because you’re afraid of hurting her feelings. Psychologist Marcia Reynolds urges you to avoid spitefulness, examine your motives for speaking up and — of course — to ask her if she’s even interested in your opinion before offering it.

Reasons to Break Up: The difference between where she is and what you want to great.

In the latter case referenced above, there’s nothing really to do about it. You can hang around until it runs its course, but that’s also preventing you from getting something more meaningful and permanent.

8. You Don’t Trust Each Other

Trust is a difficult thing. Especially if one of you has done something to violate the other’s trust; But maybe one of you is just not a trusting person or have had experiences in the past that affects your ability to trust. You might even be an untrustworthy person who is projecting how you lie or manipulate onto your partner even if they do not do that. Whatever the issue is, you can’t have a serious relationship without trust. So how do you start building that?

Solution: Begin building trust in small ways.

Rather than looking for these grand gestures that build trust, look for small ones.

• Keeping your world on small promises allows you to build trust incrementally. Simply being where you say you’ll be when you say you’ll be there can be an important step.
• Be honest about when you’ve done something wrong and expect the same from her.
• At the same time, be willing to forgive when you are the wronged party.
• Share things about yourself that are personal, or even painful. That kind of vulnerability can help to build trust.
• Have a trusted friend you can check in with. Sometimes all we need is a third party to tell us it’s OK to trust.

Reasons to Break Up: One of you just can’t repair the trust.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter who’s the one who can’t trust. A lack of trust in a relationship means that there won’t be a relationship sooner rather than later. All you’re doing by maintaining things is digging yourself in deep into something that is going to have diminishing returns and eventually come to an end.

9. You Never Go on Dates

It’s funny. They call it “dating,” but a lot of people who are don’t go on a lot of actual dates. This can lead to boredom. It can also lead to “falling out of love,” which was cited by nearly 40 percent of women as a reason for breaking up. So you need to pay attention to this, even when you’re in a long-term relationship.

Solution: Pick a day of the week and make that date night.

While it’s definitely serious, it’s also one of the easiest things to go ahead and fix: Pick a night, make it date night. No cancelling for a night with the guys, a work thing or even the Superbowl. Date night is date night is date night.

This isn’t speculation: A 2010 survey showed that not only did couples with a date night have better relationships — the couples surveyed even had better sex lives.

Reasons to Break Up: Just don’t.

Seriously, if the only problem you have is not going on dates, there is no way to make this a break-up worthy offense. You need to step up, be a man and start directing the relationship.

10. You’re Wondering About Other Women

Maybe you’ve got some chemistry with a woman at work. Maybe it’s the girl who serves you coffee. Maybe you’re just day dreaming a lot about women that you encounter. The point is, you’re wondering about other women.

Solution: Realize it’s normal and not necessarily a reason to break up.

Guess what? You’re never going to stop looking at other women. You’re never going to stop wondering about other women. Not only is it normal, there are ways to appreciate women that don’t involve breaking up or cheating. Maybe you flirt a bit with the girl who makes your latte and that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with it. Just enjoy it for what it is but don’t take it too far and break energetic integrity with your partner.

Reasons to Break Up: You’ve cheated or think you’re going to.

There’s no reason to go there. If you’ve truly assessed the situation and you want someone else, it’s time to put a clean and honorable end to it. There are plenty of ways to break up with someone, but the important thing is that you be honest and make your feelings clear.

Let us know some of the issues you are facing or have faced in relationships. Tell us why you’ve broken up with girls or why you’re thinking about it in the comments. And while you’re at it, check out our How to Break Up With Your Girlfriend podcast or our Getting Over a Break Up podcast for more great info on how to deal with trouble on the relationship front.

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AJ Harbinger - author of 370 posts on The Art of Charm

5 Signs It Really, Truly IS Love at First Sight

"Can it be love at first sight, or is it lust?  What is love?"    -    Susan

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5 Signs It Really, Truly IS Love at First Sight

Is it actually real?

Chemistry is a killer. Let's face it: the minute your lips lock, the super glue holding you together is cemented into place and you're hooked. This always happens. Your body makes sure you don't miss each other.

So what's the problem? Only a fraction of these hot and heavy relationships have any staying power. Some experts guess that 80 percent of "chemistry-driven" relationships fail in less than three months.

According to Psychology Today, "Each couple that engages in love at first sight believes that their passionate feelings for one another will overcome the steep odds against a whimsical union actually providing a lifetime of personal fulfilment for each partner."

Scientists can now measure the brain chemicals that collide with each other, creating an addictive cocktail that controls you when sexual chemistry is ignited. Addictive? You bet. The areas of the brain that light up when cocaine hits the bloodstream are the exact same areas that light up when the chemicals of love and attraction are released.

You're addicted to love — literally.

Do people get tired of each other? Why does the sizzle fizzle out? Once more, can you avoid the fizzlers right away so you can get on to the happily ever after kind of love? Are there signs that love is true in the first few passionate days? Is there love at first sight?

Here are five signs that your new guy could be the real deal (in spite of the chemistry):

1. He treats restaurant staff kindly. 

No, I'm not talking about manners... well, not eating habits anyway. A wise woman once told me, "Watch how your man treats waitresses. You will see much about his character." Kindness and generosity to blue and pink collar workers is a genuine trait not easy to fake.

2. He has a great relationship with his female family members.


How does he treat his mom? Sisters? Ex? When I met my husband (my second, I met him at age 52) he still took his ex-mother-in-law for outings away from her rehab home once a month, even though he had been divorced for years. He treats me with old-fashioned chivalry to this day and it's one of the things I love the best about him.

3. He's busy and fulfilled with a productive hobby or career.


If you fall for a guy who's on fire about his own life and still takes time to prioritise you, that's a great sign. The Universe may be able to create happily ever afters with broke, unemployed guys; after all, nothing is impossible. But do you really want that? Chemistry with a man with no income may be hot but is rarely the real deal.

4. He's not your type. 

Countless love at first sighters — the couples that claimed they knew very early on that their one was the one — say the same thing: "We met in the most surprising way. I never expected to be with someone like him. He's not my type at all." When you're attracted to someone outside your "type," pay attention.

5. You're still into him two to three months down the line. 

Sometime in the two-to-three-month range, take a reading of your relationship. How hot is the chemistry? Has it changed for either one of you? If you guys are cooling off, here's what to check: How fascinated are you with each other? You want to watch for signs that he's "into you" outside of sexual attraction.

Curiosity and fascination are two powerful indicators that this is the real deal, especially when the first rushes of chemistry start to pale. Crushes always melt you in the beginning and then break your heart in the end. In between crush and heartbreak, there are a lot of experiences waiting for you. Love at first sight experiences can rock your world and some are the real deal.

If you're in the midst of that roller coaster ride right now, buckle your seatbelt and hang on, have fun and enjoy how it unfolds. There really is nothing like a mind-numbing crush. Just check in at that two-to-three-month point and be honest with what's happening. If he's still into you, that's the best sign of all.

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5 Sobering Reasons You Need To Experience Rejection At Least Once In Your Life

"We have all been there, rejection is a part of life whether it be at school, work or in your  social life, and no matter how many times it happens it still hurts.

Rejection feels awful especially within the context of a romantic relationship, but remember just because you have been rejected by one person doesn't mean that everyone else will do the same.

If this happens just remind yourself of all the amazing things you have to offer, and that soldiering on in the face of rejection is the only alternative in whatever you are searching for."       -  Susan                                               

5 Sobering Reasons You Need To Experience Rejection At Least Once In Your Life

If you’ve dated more than one person, most likely you’ve been rejected.

I used to live in fear of rejection. I’d meet someone I really liked, start dating them and then spend the entire relationship worrying about when they would break up with me. I was guarded, I was a little paranoid and I tried way too hard to hang on to people that I should have just let walk away. In turn, my fear of rejection became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. When things eventually did fall apart (as they inevitably would) the break-up would seem completely debilitating.

I read a quote recently that went something like this: “Everyone you date, you’ll eventually break up with or end up marrying.” Although a lot of couples do stay together forever without a legally binding agreement, it’s still a sobering thought.

Rejection sucks and sometimes it really, really hurts. However, as much as we try and deny it, it’s an inevitable by-product of dating. How are we supposed to find the right person if we never reject or get rejected by the ones that aren’t right for us?

I have a lot of experience being rejected, to the point where I now consider myself a veritable rejection expert. However, now that I’m single and dating in my 30’s, I’ve decided to take a more positive approach to rejection – both as the rejector and the rejectee.

Here’s a few things I’ve learned about rejection that I wish someone had told me when I was younger.

1. It’s not about you. 

I used to take every rejection, every ghosting, every unreturned text message as a personal assault on my character. However, I’ve since learned that often getting rejected has very little to do with you. If someone chooses to not ask you out on another date or continue a romantic relationship with you – that’s their choice. They were choosing what was best for their life situation. For example, I’ve met tons of guys who I thought were truly fantastic, however we just didn’t have any chemistry. I imagine there have been many guys who have felt the same way about me.

If someone chooses to reject you in a really immature manner – for example, by literally disappearing off the face of the earth with no explanation – that’s on them. I read a quote somewhere that went something like this: “It’s not our responsibility to try and understand why people have the shortcomings they do, but to accept them & move on.”

2. Chemistry is ridiculously important.

Chemistry is a mysterious, biological force that acts on a subconscious level. Dating is like a science experiment: you combine different chemicals and hope for a reaction, but sometimes it just doesn’t happen – and you know what? That’s OK. Often we can’t even explain why we feel the way we do, we just do. Love is tricky this way. Therefore, you can’t take it personally if someone doesn’t connect with you in that way.

3. Life is all about taking chances. 

A wise sage named Keanu Reeves once told a ramshackle group of baseball players “One of the most important parts of life is showing up.” You can’t expect to find love if you don’t take risks and put yourself out there. I read another quote recently that said that “life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Being rejected means you took a step towards going after what you want – one of many steps that will eventually get you to where you want to be. In other words, you showed up for your own life and for that my friend, you deserve a massive high-five.

4. It means it wasn’t right.

Do you want to be with someone who isn’t into you 100%? Of course not – no one does. When someone rejects you, they’re ultimately saying, “I’m not going to waste your time by pursuing something that I know won’t make either of us happy in the long run.” Even though it may not seem like it at the time, by giving you an out from a potentially negative situation, they’re actually doing you a favour.

5. Rejection helps us grow as humans. 

Like many things in life, dating is all about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Sometimes you have to work through the uncomfortable, awkward, painful stuff in order to get to the really, amazing, awesome things. We all deserve unconditional love, acceptance and happiness, however to get there we have to walk a road that is rife with rejection. While we’re on our journey, rejection acts as the road signs that keep pushing us in the direction that we need to be go.

Here’s to following the road signs.

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WHY ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO OTHER PEOPLE?

"If you are already in a relationship them my advice to you regarding crushes would be, to snap out of it, don't go there,  its dangerous territory".   - Susan                                               
                               

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WHY ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO OTHER PEOPLE?

Roving eye? You're not alone. MH looks at the science of crushes

It shouldn’t shock you to learn that your wife or partner may be attracted to other men. You’ve probably checked out other women—maybe even fantasised about one—in the last 24 hours. But that doesn’t mean this information is easy to digest: 70 per cent of women in relationships admit to having crushes on other guys, according to new research from Indiana University.

Yes, full-on crushes. Like when she flirts with someone, daydreams about him, and doodles his name on her notebook. Or as one study participant put it: “tried not to show anything outwardly, but did think about it a bit when masturbating.”

In the study, women who had been in a relationship for at least 3 years answered open-ended questions about their crushes. (And we’re not talking about university students; most of the subjects were married.) The main thing we learned: it’s totally normal to have feelings for other people, says study author Margo Mullinax, Ph.D., who is now a postdoctoral fellow at Columbia University. It’s a revolutionary idea, really. We’d all like to think that the ability to be attracted to someone else vanishes the second you exchange rings. But why would it?

“Crushes can continue throughout your lifespan,” says Mullinax. “You don’t just stop having them because you’re in a relationship. It’s natural, when you’re around someone a lot, to develop feelings.”

While Mullinax says this phenomenon hasn’t yet been studied in men, but let’s be honest: it’s completely logical that the same goes for guys.

Now for the dirty details. Many women described their crushes as casual and purely physical.

“Oh my, he was beautiful,” says one respondent. “It’s just a physical reaction when I’m near him,” says another. Others talked about feeling chemistry or an emotional connection with the other guy. A quarter of the crushes were on a coworker. (Surprise!) Exes and close friends were also common culprits.

The good news: her crush has absolutely nothing to do with you or your relationship, says Mullinax. Attraction to other people is practically inevitable, regardless of whether your marriage is struggling or rock-solid. It doesn’t mean she’s going to cheat, either. Many respondents went out of their way to specify that they would never act on their feelings.

And of all the women who confessed to having crushes on other guys, only 5 per cent admitted to infidelity. The total percentage of people who cheat is actually much higher, around 20 per cent for both men and women, according to other research from Indiana University. In fact, many women said their feelings for the other guys even improved their relationships.

“They might feel more aroused throughout the day, then go home and transfer that desire to their partner,” Mullinax says.

Don’t like the idea that she gets horny for another guy? Just know this: The more a woman fantasises, the greater her sexual desire, says Mullinax. And a faithful wife who craves sex is nothing but good news for you. (Remember, "95 per cent" of these women never strayed.)

Other respondents said that thinking about being with another man reminded them of why they were with their partner. For example: “I usually snap out of it and realise I wouldn’t really want to be with or see that person . . . and how much I appreciate my husband and all of his attributes and the healthy balanced relationship we have.”

How to Handle a Crush

If it’s so normal to have crushes on other people—but you don’t want to lose your spouse—the trick, then, is to figure out how to manage your feelings.

There’s no one right way to do that, says Mullinax. It all depends on what works for you. Some couples talk openly about their crushes, but if that’s going to cause hard feelings, it’s OK to keep your lips sealed, too.

If you’re not sure what to do about your own extramarital infatuations, consider taking a cue from the women in Mullinax’s study. They reported using several different strategies to defeat temptation—you’ll know which tactic is right for you.

Talk about it . . .

Telling your partner about your crushes can make them less of a threat, says Mullinax. “We discuss [crushes] openly and in as much detail as we feel comfortable,” one woman wrote. “Because human attraction is natural, we recognise that it is better to be open and honest about these feelings and deal with jealousy through reassurance and trust.”

. . . Or don’t

You may feel that it’s pointless to discuss a meaningless crush. Keeping it to yourself can be healthy, too, says Mullinax. Some people would rather not think about their life partner having the hots for someone else—you probably know if your wife is one of them. As one woman put it: “It doesn’t pose a real threat to our relationship and I don’t want him to worry unnecessarily.”

Bury your crush . . .

Having the opportunity to cheat is one of the main predictors of whether you’ll cheat, according to shocking research. This why the avoidance technique employed by many of the study respondents is smart: try to put the thoughts of your crush out of your mind and don’t spend time alone with him or her. Especially when drunk.

. . . Or go ahead and fantasize

Keeping your crush all in your head is what works for many people. Some women wrote that they fantasised during masturbation or sex, and that was enough to satisfy their desires. “Then it’s fulfilled its useful purpose and it’s gone,” as one woman says. Above all, know that crushes are harmless.

The researchers did notice a trend in the few relationships that were negatively affected by crushes: The couples tended to demonize attraction to other people. If you assume that your partner will never be attracted to someone else—or that attraction will inevitably lead to infidelity—it will cause disappointment and conflict, Mullinax says. So remember that it’s natural for both of you to occasionally feel drawn to someone else. Just don’t forget why you picked her to spend your life with, and trust her to do the same.

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What to Do When You Like Someone Else?

"Apparently falling in love with two people at the same time is as simple as falling in love with one person. Love is an emotion that can be experienced when the symptoms are right. As human beings we are capable of falling in love with two people at the same time, after all we fall in love with different people in different ways. But at the end of the day you are the one in control, and should you chose to use it,  you have the power to avoid falling in love by taking a step back, and putting a stop to the flirty conversations or secret rendezvous and allowing any feelings of lust or love  to fade away".   

                                                                                                             -Susan

What to Do When You Like Someone Else?

Appreciating or liking someone else is acceptable, but what should you do about it? Find out what to do when you like someone else and you’re already in a relationship.

Do you like someone else even though you’re already in a relationship?

Sometimes, you may jump into a new relationship only to find that you don’t really like the person and like someone else.

At other times, you may be in a relationship for a long time and find yourself getting deeply attracted to another person.

You can’t really stop your heart from liking someone else or getting attracted to some other person other than your own lover, and if that does happen, it’s inevitable.

But what are you going to do about it?

That’s what really matters when you find yourself in crossways and have to decide between the older and trusted path and the new and riskier path.

What to do when you like someone else?

You may find yourself liking someone else when you least expect it.

It may be their personality or the electric chemistry that both of you share.

A bit of flirting can be harmless, but what if the infatuation grows over time and becomes an obsession?

While it’s natural to find someone else attractive at times, deciding what to do about it is never easy.

One of the first things you really need to do is evaluate your own relationship. Are you happy to be in love with your partner? Can you see your own lover in your life five years from now? If you’re going to be confused about your relationship status each time you like someone outside the relationship, there’s obviously something wrong with your relationship.

Perhaps, you’re being fickle, or think you’re too good for your partner or you’re just not happy to be in the relationship.

When you like someone else, you really need to ask yourself why you’re falling for another person when you’re already in a relationship. While an infatuation or a little crush is completely acceptable, falling in love when you’re already in love can be a bit of a confusion, to you and even to your own partner who would confront you eventually.

New love and a new fling

Have you just fallen in love with someone and find yourself getting attracted to someone else in no time? Now it’s not really easy to fall in love with two people at the same time, especially at the start of a new and happy relationship.

If you’re experiencing the confusion of liking someone else in a new romance, you’re probably not in love at all!  [Read: YOUR BODY ON LUST ]

Exciting, isn’t it? It’s easy for you to fall in love and break up, only to fall in love with someone else in no time because you’re not really in love at all. Even when two people do fall in love with each other, it’s only an infatuation for the first few weeks or months. There’s no real love until the sexual excitement and the tingle of those stolen touches fade away. So if you find yourself liking someone else after getting into a relationship, end it if you really must. After all, it’s better to be happy with someone you really like than stay gloomy with someone you think you like.

A long term relationship and a new crush

Are you in a long term relationship with your partner? When you first fall in love, life can seem rather exciting. You’re exploring the world with someone new and everything looks fresh and exciting. The wooing and pursuing stage of love can be thrilling and can give you a lot of exciting sleepless nights.

But as the relationship starts to get older, it ages and matures into a romance that isn’t just about sexual excitement or wooing each other. What keeps a long term relationship alive is the compatibility, communication and the emotional maturity of the two lovers.

If you start liking someone else when you’re in a long term relationship, perhaps you’re just experiencing that flutter of the first few days of love and confusing it with something else. You may assume that the new person in your life excites you more, but in reality, your present relationship may have experienced the same crackling chemistry and fiery passion too. Ask yourself if there’s truly a stronger reason to end your relationship and be with someone else.

Just experiencing sizzling chemistry isn’t reason enough to end an older and seasoned happy relationship. After all, even a relationship with your new crush could turn out to be the same in a year or two. What then, are you just going to keep switching partners all your life? 

What should you do?

Firstly, make up your mind on whether you want to do anything at all. It’s easier to think of a new crush as harmless flirting and stay away from anything serious. You may like someone, but they may not really like you back in the same manner that you like them. On the other hand, you may really like someone intensely, but this person may not have the qualities you’re looking for in a long term partner.

If you really do love your current partner, avoid falling into the confusion of loving two people. It’s just not worth it.

But if you’re not really happy in your relationship or don’t really see a future in it, you may want to consider this new dating potential and see where it goes. But two timing your current partner is never a good thing either.

Always remember this in love. End a relationship because you want to or because you’re not happy in it. Never end a relationship because you think you’ve found someone better. It’s going to hurt you or even backfire on you at some point.

Should you stay in your old relationship?

If you’re convinced that you like someone else and not your own partner, then end the relationship if you think you can never truly be happy with your partner. But if you’re unsure, give your relationship another shot. Have a frank discussion with your partner and tell them that you’re not very happy in the relationship. Together, try and give your relationship another chance to redeem its love and happiness. You owe your relationship at least that much.

But even after repeated tries, if you find that the relationship isn’t really keeping either partner happy or no matter how hard you try, you just don’t seem to find the excitement in love, perhaps, it’s time to end it. Don’t end it because you like someone else, end it because the relationship isn’t working out. 

Making up your mind when you like someone else

When you leave a relationship in the hope of finding something better with someone else, you’re taking a leap of faith. And at times, this can become a fickle and repeated experience where you like someone, and when the infatuation dies, you think the relationship’s dead too.

The best thing to do when like someone else is to let it go. If you’re not happy in your relationship, end it but don’t wait for someone else to come along.

In life, you’re going to meet a lot of people you’d be attracted to and many other people who’d be attracted to you. When you’re in a secure and happy relationship, nothing else matters.

Like someone if you must. Have a secret crush on a few people. Fantasize about it. And leave it. That’s the best way to stay in a happy relationship and get over the little crushes that pop up every now and then. Lovers who get confused or find themselves liking someone else do that only because they’re uncertain of their own relationship status. If you do love your own partner a lot, you may have a crush on someone else, but you’d never be able to compare the affections you have for your new crush and your own partner.

Think about it and make up your mind. If you’re happy in love, stay away from secret flings.

If you feel you deserve better or are not happy in your relationship, keep an eye open. Or better yet, end the relationship and open both your eyes!

Have you made up your mind on what to do if you like someone else? Well, it is decision time. What’s the first thing that pops in your mind? Think… In all probability, that’s the answer to your question.

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