7 Reasons Monogamy Is (And Always Will Be) Better Than An Affair

"To many people 'The grass is always greener on the other side' and in relationships these people are always looking for something better. They never settle for one person, but go from relationship to relationship, often dating more than one person at the same time.  They cannot commit to one person.

My advice to people would be that there is nothing better than monogamy, being dedicated to one person and knowing that your partner wants you and nobody else gives you a warm comfortable feeling inside.  If you find yourself tempted to cheat on your partner.....fight it, work on what you have already."                                                                                                                                                                                                                -Susan Watts

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7 Reasons Monogamy Is (And Always Will Be) Better Than An Affair

It shouldn't even be a question

First, some background on my life in relationships over the past 40 years.

When I was younger, my ideal was to have a harem. One woman for every night of the month. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I was not born into a religion that accepted this state of affairs, I could not have afforded it even if I had been born into such a religion, and being young and naive, I could not have imagined all the problems that would have arisen in such a household.

Thirty women and one man — what was I thinking. I would have been ground into dust.

Yes, it was a fantasy and over the years I have lowered that number down. From thirty to twenty to ten... and now the harem is gone, replaced with fantasies of making love with a beautiful young woman — occasionally.

Is this the result of lowering testosterone levels or something else?

Well, as much as I might have fantasized in the past, I never took my fantasies seriously. Even when I was footloose and fancy free with multiple lovers, whenever I was in a relationship, I was a one-woman-man. Why?

I think there are a number of factors at play here. They include, how I was brought up. My mother and father are still married after 62 years. I don’t know if they ever had an affair, but the message that they lived out was to hang in there when life got tough.

Another was the culture in which I was embedded. Pretty standard stuff back then in North America, Christian, even though we were not avid church goers, with the belief that once married it was, “till death do you part.”

When I started dating I was pretty serious and assumed that if we loved each other we would stay together, become engaged and then get married. Oh, how little I knew of the world and relationships.

I was a serial monogamist except when not in a committed relationship. Looking back I wish I had spent more time being single, not so much to have had more fun, but to have lived on my own for longer and learned more about myself outside of being in a relationship.

When in a serious relationship, both my partner and I agreed to be monogamous. I have been cheated on — sucks. I could not believe how much pain I felt in my body when discovering what happened. Going through that kind of trauma is not just emotional pain, but physical as well.

The only time I “cheated” in a relationship was at the end of a three year disaster when my girlfriend was to start studying in another city across the country. Before she left, she looked me in the eye and said, “Have fun.”

I did. When I picked her up at the airport on her return, the first thing she asked was if I, “had fun.” I promised myself I would never tell her BUT, when she asked, I looked her in the eye and said, “Yes.”

I won’t go into that story, but will let you imagine how it went — badly. It did get me out of the relationship which is what I desperately wanted but was unable to do so without a cataclysmic event.

Another time, I was in a long-term relationship and left when my partner wanted an open relationship. Been there and done that in an earlier relationship and was not interested in repeating the experience.

That brings me up to my current marriage (common law) of almost seventeen years. I have not cheated and as far as I know she hasn’t either. It seems clear that we will live out our lives together. We work on the relationship and it has gotten better with each passing year. I feel lucky to have such an amazing partner and proud of what we have survived and how, as a couple, we have thrived.

Now that you have some background, here are the 7 reasons why I choose monogamy.

1. Keeps life simple.

If you want drama, have an affair. For the life of me, I don’t know why people don’t break up before the affair. Saves so much pain and sorrow.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but when an affair happens, life can get seriously crazy. I have seen kids kidnapped, visitation rights ignored, cars destroyed, and people assaulted. Most of this could have been avoided if there had been no affair.

(Actually, I do know a number of reasons people have an affair and don’t tell their partner. We will leave that for another article. Please send me your reasons.)

2. Safety.

Yup, having sex with only your partner pretty much eliminates the possibility of getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD). You would be surprised how many people don’t practice safe sex.

3. Health.

Stress is brutal on your physical and mental health. Keeping secrets is crazy-making for both you and your partner. The offending party takes a hit on their self-esteem and the offended often sense something is wrong, but is met with denials when they question their partner, which makes the offended party doubt reality (a.k.a.: crazy-making).

When you have enough stress your body takes a hit. Not so much fun.

4. Staying monogamous is an incentive to keep your sexual life alive.

It may not be a guarantee, as you could just let the sexual aspect of your relationship fade away, but if your libido is intact, there will be an urgency to find a solution.

My partner and I have had to deal with huge stressors because of illness, finances, career change, moving, and personal change. These experiences affected our sexual relationship and we had to evolve to stay involved.

The good news is that we are closer emotionally and sexually today than we have ever been. This is due in part because we have focused on our relationship without the distraction of an affair.

5. I don’t like hypocrisy.

I don’t like sharing either, my wife that is. Call me old-fashioned but I just don’t like the idea of my wife making-out with another person. It only seems fair that if I want my wife to be faithful, I should do the same.

6. Keeping something sacred.

In today’s world much of what we do is on public display. I am highly engaged with my clients, friends, and business associates. Social media is a medium that keeps me connected personally and promotes my businesses.

My sexual relationship with my wife is something special that only we share. It is not just the act of sex. We have had relationships and sex with other people before we met.

Yet, the people we are today, our shared history, and the unique combination of our personalities is unprecedented. Much like fingerprints, there is no other relationship like ours. Not now, not ever.

Kinda cool when you think about it.

7. Respect.

I respect myself enough to keep to my ideals and commitment. I respect her enough to value her commitment, her word, her dream, her vision and her faithfulness.

I do myself and my partner a disservice when I break my oath. An oath I made to myself, her, and when married, to the community.

Yes, we are human and make mistakes. Sometimes they are not mistakes but deliberate actions to get us out of situations that we believe we cannot leave without an incident, such as an affair.

These things happen all the time. I see it in my practice every day and it grieves me to hear and see all the pain that happens when people don’t communicate how they are feeling about life, the relationship, and about themselves.

And that is why I choose monogamy.

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Multiple Orgasms for Men?

Multiple Orgasms for Men?

The fascinating technique that might open up whole new sexual experience

As a society we carry a lot of entrenched ideas about sex. Perhaps one of the most deeply ingrained assumptions is that women can have multiple orgasms, and that men can't. But is that really true?

In 1986, sex therapists William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian put together the book, Any Man Can. They describe that by withholding ejaculation, men can experience "a number of sexual peaks." 

"The multi-orgasmic men we have studied have chosen to develop that capacity (stopping ejaculation using learned techniques)… The behavior itself (interrupting orgasm via such techniques) appears to be at least four thousand years old," they wrote, 

More than a decade later, sex educator Jack Johnston came out with a training program to help men work towards this experience. Johnston told me over the phone that he’s made it his life’s work to dispel the myth that only women are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms.

“Men and women are physiologically a lot more similar than people realize.Vive la différence, of course, but in terms of the neurological capacity for experiencing the orgasmic impulses, we’re wired in quite a similar manner.”

He added, “I try to help reacquaint people with the idea that orgasm is an energetic event, and that for men, it’s not automatically linked to ejaculation. They’re two separate events. Two separate reflexes.”

In contrast to other “experts,” Johnston avoids conventional “squeeze techniques” that encourage men to stop just short of “the point of no return.” These techniques typically require that men clench pelvic floor muscles, slow their breathing and allow the urge to ejaculate to pass.

As Johnston explained, “That’s not really a whole lot of fun for anybody. You’re constantly monitoring, it’s like ‘Am I there yet? Maybe I can go a little further. Oh shucks, I went too far.’”

“My working hypothesis was that there’s got to be a better way than that. I don’t think our creator was sadistic in that way.”

Johnston’s program is known as The Key Sound Multiple Orgasm (KSMO) training. The “Key Sound” refers to a particular sound one can make while engaging in some light stimulation during solo (or partnered) practice sessions, separate from the act of intercourse. He insists the vibrations brought on by the sound can help “unlock” the key to multiple orgasms.

One satisfied client writes, “As the sensations became stronger, my vocal expressions became deeper and louder. I continued until I was so overwhelmed by this feeling I literally could not move anymore – pleasantly paralyzed by orgasm with no urge to ejaculate.”

But while most men believe penile stimulation to be the primary means by which to experience orgasm, Johnston recommends  guys bypass the penis and head for the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus) during their solo sessions.

Johnston’s refers to the perineal area as the “the male G-spot.” Part of his training revolves around “helping men locate that area of their body, and then, as part of the 'Multiple Orgasm Trigger,' practice to gently massage [the perineal] area just enough to get a little tingle, or a little rush.” Johnston calls these sensations “Echo Effects.”

“How does one increase arousal to orgasmic intensity without using lots and lots of stimulation? For men in particular, more and more stimulation tends to trigger the ejaculation reflex. So the idea is, in a sense, how do you learn to sneak up on the orgasm?”

“Very often, orgasm is centered right in the genital area, whereas the method that I teach tends to occur throughout ones body. One experiences arousal throughout one's body. Neurologically, it’s all connected throughout the body, so the idea is to become aware of that. To become aware that when someone becomes aroused it’s not just in the genital area, those waves of energy start flowing throughout one's entire body.”

On the official forum, one of Johnston's clients reports, "As I am doing my sessions, I am really getting new sensations each time. Presently, I am feeling my prostate pumping (for lack of a better word) and this is causing me to get a slight erection. When my prostate pumps, it is sending pre-cum and I am beginning to leak a little. I have to stay relaxed because I feel that I could cross over and ejaculate. This pumping of my prostate are mini orgasms (I assume) and they feel great. My entire body is hot, shaking, and feeling really amazing. I can do this for about an hour and maybe a little longer."

Another writes, "Tonight, after doing my 20 minutes and then sort of absent mindedly continuing, I do believe I had my first full body, non-ejaculatory orgasm. It just sort of came on as I was massaging the base of my penis, from out of nowhere--NOT like it came from within my body. It felt like a heat throughout my body, and a sort of giddiness, almost like the light, first rush of MDMA (er...or so I've read...).

"And the crazy thing was, instead of feeling like the orgasm was in me, it felt like I was in the orgasm--like it was surrounding and suffusing my whole body like a field of energy. Pretty wild."

Johnston recommends that his clients practice the technique for 20 minutes every other day. He notes that ejaculation should be avoided on days devoted to practice.

He explained that in contrast to the “traditional” male ejaculatory orgasm, multiple orgasms typically arrive in “waves." And since they aren’t linked to ejaculation, one’s energy doesn’t dissipate as it does when one ejaculates. He added that after having mastered the technique, most men come to prefer these kind of orgasms.

He continued, “It lasts so much longer. The after glow lasts so much longer too. It’s the kind of energy that can infuse your whole being.” He also notes that, after having completed the training, many men report experiencing more intense ejaculatory orgasms as well.

But mastering the physical technique is only half the battle. As Johnston explained, a good part of his training revolves around teaching men to expand their understanding of sexual pleasure, and open themselves up to the different means by which it can be attained.

He tells me, “There are a lot of people who think that it's important for intellectual integrity to be really, really skeptical. I think it’s appropriate to have some skepticism, but it’s also really essential not to just be attached to being a skeptic. In the face of evidence to the contrary, one needs to have the intellectual integrity to consider it.”

“Once we learn the facts about our physiology, and what’s really possible. That’s a whole new world.”

Some people have years of sexual experience under their belt. Some don’t. But no matter where you land on the path of sexual self-exploration, it’s never too late to rewrite certain standards, and never too soon to start experimenting with different points of pleasure, no matter how obscure they may seem. 

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