How to Build Trust in a Relationship: 6 Important Tips

"Trust in a relationship has got to be one of the most comfortable feelings on earth.  But not everybody is lucky enough to have that luxury. Its so easy to bring past negative emotions into a new relationship, my advice to you is STOP!  when these thoughts come into your mind, take those thoughts and put them straight into the rubbish bin. after all whats the point of worrying about something that has not even happened in your new relationship.  Spend your time and energy on the positive things in life, its less stressful"      -   Susan

How to Build Trust in a Relationship: 6 Important Tips

The issue of trust and relationships always focuses on the question of whether the partners are faithful enough to one another. But trust within a relationship encompass much more. All relationships that people build are based on trust on the other person’s true intentions. Without trust, there would be no relationship at all.

There are various forms of mistrust which can severely strain relationships apart from the cheating partner. Mistrust can occur if a party in the relationships is dishonest and does not keep or follow through on promises. Mistrust does not always arise due to dishonesty. When you don’t believe that your partner has your best interests at heart, a lack of trust will quickly creep into the relationship.  In this case, you may have a feeling that someone you love or trust does not hold the same feelings towards you and may someday abandon you or betray you.

How the bonds of trust are broken

Children are inherently trusting when they are born. But they begin losing that natural trust if they are repeatedly betrayed by people around them and are exposed to pain. This creates self-doubt in their minds and can develop into a deep aversion to getting hurt. For many people, a lack of trust is an avoidance of pain. When children go through these experiences early on in life, it can leave an imprint in their minds which they carry forward into their adulthood. It is this fractured trust which many people take into relationships.

However, lack of trust is not always a pre-existing condition. It can be actually created in the relationship when one partner is not living true to their promises and demonstrating their trust in the other partner through their actions. So when grappling with issues of trust in your relationship, it is also important to determine whether your mistrust was a pre-existing condition or something that developed in the relationship due to the actions of you or your partner.

There are many other causes of mistrust in relationships such as addiction and money issues. If your partner is not being transparent about their financial situation for example, then mistrust can set in. The question you are likely to ask is: “What else are they hiding?” Once you begin questioning your partner’s intentions and commitment, it can take significant effort to save the relationship.

If you are grappling with trust issues in your relationships, here are some of the best tips that you can use to build up the trust and put your relationship on a surer footing:

Better Communication

Communication is one of the most important factors in building trust between partners. Spend more time communicating about your problems instead of sitting on them and brooding. When it comes to communication, do it face to face. Don’t do it over emails or phone calls, but instead make it more personal and direct.  Do not hold back when faced with relationship issues. When you have something to tell your partner, make sure you do it. Open communication in relationships opens the pathways for trust to develop on.

Have Some Empathy

Empathy is different to sympathy. It is one of the most important aspects when it comes to building trust in your relationships. Have some empathy and try to understand where your partner is coming from. Determine if the needs of your partner are being met and try to put yourself in their shoes. Building a relationship is a leap of faith and it is therefore important to approach issues in the relationship from the perspective of understanding. When you can empathize with your partner, it will be possible for you to build the emotional connections which will lead to increased trust in the relationship.

Foster some Growth in the Relationship

Growth is an important factor which powers trust in the relationship. Stagnant relationships often gravitate quickly into situations of mistrust.  By creating various scenarios and situations in your relationship where you can do new things and create new memories together, it will not only give you more to talk about but it will be easier for you to predict the behavior of your partner thus develop more trust.

Try something new, go camping or simply embark on something that is outside your comfort zone.  Don’t hold back on doing something that will inspire, encourage development or inflame your love and trust for each other, be it outside or even inside the bedroom.

Don’t Stress when the Boundaries of the Relationship are Tested

This is really crucial in building trust in the relationship. You cannot expect it to be smooth-sailing all the way.  Without going through all those rocky terrains, it will be impossible to see how much strain the relationship can sustain before you reach your breaking point. That isn’t to say that you should go out of your way to create jealously just to see how your partner might react, just be aware that every relationship comes with its ups and downs, and that its totally natural. In many cases, a relationship will meander through a rocky path at some point, due to circumstances beyond your control. Life will create hard choices for you personally that will test your tolerance levels. These situations are great for gauging one another and will lead to a greater sense of understanding.

Do Not Keep Secrets

Trust needs openness. If you are planning on building a trusting relationship, you must plan not to keep secrets and be open from the get-go with your partner.  Secrets erode relationships extremely fast, so it’s important to be honest and upfront about issues that arise together or individually. The best way to internalise these qualities is by assuming that all the “secrets” that you know will eventually come out. Keeping a secret also requires energy to keep it. When you keep secrets, you are simply overburdening yourself, which will become apparent to your partner very quickly.

Learn to Say No

You don’t have to say yes to everything your partner proposes. If you do not like something, simply say no. When you refuse to be subjugated and create a relationship based on equality, it will be easier for both of you, going forward. Don’t pander to the whim of your partner just to keep him/her happy, as it will set a precedent that will be a nightmare to maintain.

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7 Reasons Monogamy Is (And Always Will Be) Better Than An Affair

"To many people 'The grass is always greener on the other side' and in relationships these people are always looking for something better. They never settle for one person, but go from relationship to relationship, often dating more than one person at the same time.  They cannot commit to one person.

My advice to people would be that there is nothing better than monogamy, being dedicated to one person and knowing that your partner wants you and nobody else gives you a warm comfortable feeling inside.  If you find yourself tempted to cheat on your partner.....fight it, work on what you have already."                                                                                                                                                                                                                -Susan Watts

WeHeart

7 Reasons Monogamy Is (And Always Will Be) Better Than An Affair

It shouldn't even be a question

First, some background on my life in relationships over the past 40 years.

When I was younger, my ideal was to have a harem. One woman for every night of the month. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I was not born into a religion that accepted this state of affairs, I could not have afforded it even if I had been born into such a religion, and being young and naive, I could not have imagined all the problems that would have arisen in such a household.

Thirty women and one man — what was I thinking. I would have been ground into dust.

Yes, it was a fantasy and over the years I have lowered that number down. From thirty to twenty to ten... and now the harem is gone, replaced with fantasies of making love with a beautiful young woman — occasionally.

Is this the result of lowering testosterone levels or something else?

Well, as much as I might have fantasized in the past, I never took my fantasies seriously. Even when I was footloose and fancy free with multiple lovers, whenever I was in a relationship, I was a one-woman-man. Why?

I think there are a number of factors at play here. They include, how I was brought up. My mother and father are still married after 62 years. I don’t know if they ever had an affair, but the message that they lived out was to hang in there when life got tough.

Another was the culture in which I was embedded. Pretty standard stuff back then in North America, Christian, even though we were not avid church goers, with the belief that once married it was, “till death do you part.”

When I started dating I was pretty serious and assumed that if we loved each other we would stay together, become engaged and then get married. Oh, how little I knew of the world and relationships.

I was a serial monogamist except when not in a committed relationship. Looking back I wish I had spent more time being single, not so much to have had more fun, but to have lived on my own for longer and learned more about myself outside of being in a relationship.

When in a serious relationship, both my partner and I agreed to be monogamous. I have been cheated on — sucks. I could not believe how much pain I felt in my body when discovering what happened. Going through that kind of trauma is not just emotional pain, but physical as well.

The only time I “cheated” in a relationship was at the end of a three year disaster when my girlfriend was to start studying in another city across the country. Before she left, she looked me in the eye and said, “Have fun.”

I did. When I picked her up at the airport on her return, the first thing she asked was if I, “had fun.” I promised myself I would never tell her BUT, when she asked, I looked her in the eye and said, “Yes.”

I won’t go into that story, but will let you imagine how it went — badly. It did get me out of the relationship which is what I desperately wanted but was unable to do so without a cataclysmic event.

Another time, I was in a long-term relationship and left when my partner wanted an open relationship. Been there and done that in an earlier relationship and was not interested in repeating the experience.

That brings me up to my current marriage (common law) of almost seventeen years. I have not cheated and as far as I know she hasn’t either. It seems clear that we will live out our lives together. We work on the relationship and it has gotten better with each passing year. I feel lucky to have such an amazing partner and proud of what we have survived and how, as a couple, we have thrived.

Now that you have some background, here are the 7 reasons why I choose monogamy.

1. Keeps life simple.

If you want drama, have an affair. For the life of me, I don’t know why people don’t break up before the affair. Saves so much pain and sorrow.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but when an affair happens, life can get seriously crazy. I have seen kids kidnapped, visitation rights ignored, cars destroyed, and people assaulted. Most of this could have been avoided if there had been no affair.

(Actually, I do know a number of reasons people have an affair and don’t tell their partner. We will leave that for another article. Please send me your reasons.)

2. Safety.

Yup, having sex with only your partner pretty much eliminates the possibility of getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD). You would be surprised how many people don’t practice safe sex.

3. Health.

Stress is brutal on your physical and mental health. Keeping secrets is crazy-making for both you and your partner. The offending party takes a hit on their self-esteem and the offended often sense something is wrong, but is met with denials when they question their partner, which makes the offended party doubt reality (a.k.a.: crazy-making).

When you have enough stress your body takes a hit. Not so much fun.

4. Staying monogamous is an incentive to keep your sexual life alive.

It may not be a guarantee, as you could just let the sexual aspect of your relationship fade away, but if your libido is intact, there will be an urgency to find a solution.

My partner and I have had to deal with huge stressors because of illness, finances, career change, moving, and personal change. These experiences affected our sexual relationship and we had to evolve to stay involved.

The good news is that we are closer emotionally and sexually today than we have ever been. This is due in part because we have focused on our relationship without the distraction of an affair.

5. I don’t like hypocrisy.

I don’t like sharing either, my wife that is. Call me old-fashioned but I just don’t like the idea of my wife making-out with another person. It only seems fair that if I want my wife to be faithful, I should do the same.

6. Keeping something sacred.

In today’s world much of what we do is on public display. I am highly engaged with my clients, friends, and business associates. Social media is a medium that keeps me connected personally and promotes my businesses.

My sexual relationship with my wife is something special that only we share. It is not just the act of sex. We have had relationships and sex with other people before we met.

Yet, the people we are today, our shared history, and the unique combination of our personalities is unprecedented. Much like fingerprints, there is no other relationship like ours. Not now, not ever.

Kinda cool when you think about it.

7. Respect.

I respect myself enough to keep to my ideals and commitment. I respect her enough to value her commitment, her word, her dream, her vision and her faithfulness.

I do myself and my partner a disservice when I break my oath. An oath I made to myself, her, and when married, to the community.

Yes, we are human and make mistakes. Sometimes they are not mistakes but deliberate actions to get us out of situations that we believe we cannot leave without an incident, such as an affair.

These things happen all the time. I see it in my practice every day and it grieves me to hear and see all the pain that happens when people don’t communicate how they are feeling about life, the relationship, and about themselves.

And that is why I choose monogamy.

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