Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Getting Dumped Ain’t so Bad

Getting Dumped Ain’t so Bad

Anybody that has had a relationship in their lives by the time they've reached my age has either dumped someone or been dumped. That by the looks of things is the way of the world these days. Hopefully this opening statement should bring a sigh of relief to those that are thinking “oh, woe is me!” The truth is there is a reason why we feel like crap when we get dumped. Some of it is instinctual from back in the day when to be cast out from the herd and left meant almost certain death without the support of the tribe. Read: The Science Behind Why Breakups Suck. The rest is mostly to do with self-esteem because we all like to be liked or even loved. We all want to people to see us in a good light for who we are. When you partner or whoever says "I don’t want to be with you anymore!" then that’s a huge kick in the crotch!!!

The truth is it almost always going to be a pain in the privates even just for a little while, until you pick yourself up dust yourself off and say never again (before eying up that hot man or woman waiting for the train then very next week!).

There is a way to turn things around. The ending of a relationship has no reflection against you as a person. It only has relevance with regards to the relationship that just ended. You probably told yourself that everything was wonderful and all issues could be handled in your collective stride, or maybe there were some issues but you were willing to live or ride with them because the pain of being alone seemed to outweigh the issue at hand. The truth is though there is not just you involved. It’s 2 separate minds, 2 separate upbringings, family backgrounds, friends, influences etc. So you two aren’t the same exact animal. There are differences. Understanding and appreciating that will get you a long way down the road to getting your head together on how you relate in a relationships. You are still you and you still live your life. Yes, it is wonderful to be in a relationship but not for the sake of it. Both bring something to the table in their own right. One of the biggest problems I see (in my opinion) is the notion of the other person is there to make you to feel “whole”!

I know may appear that I'm pointing a cynical finger at what has become a modern cliche of these times and may get me hate mail but I really don’t think it’s healthy to hang this millstone around your partners neck to say "make me whole"! As we used to say in the playground, “I can’t make poop”! Same here is if you are relying on someone to make you whole then your effective giving away your power. You are saying that without you I’m nothing and the truth is that simply is NOT so. I never enter any relationship unless I feel I have something to give, NOT what can they give me. It may simply be that I think I can just bring so fun, smiles, laughter, love, companionship, positive outlook, sex…blah, blah, blah. Of course to get that back from my partner is all one could expect but it’s not the food it’s the gravy. If someone appreciates also allows me to be me and still enjoys hanging out with me then that is a good relationship foundation. There is nothing worse than having to act a certain way with you partner than you do with others. I don't mean just putting the toilet seat down different, I mean where if you're family where near you at the time they would think you were dead weird in a sad way or if you when you question whether you can keep the facade up for any longer! To get over this what I decided a long time ago was that I shouldn't pretend to be anything but best and most honest example of me when dating or corresponding with a prospective date. That way they're no pretense and no pressure or surprises and if what they see is what they like (or feel they can put p with) then great. That is a pretty good foundation for a relationship.

Some relationships on reflection should never have been so deep. In hindsight they should only have been friendships, you probably right now, if you've ever had a previous relationship crumble can think of situations where it would have been better to have been friends than in a committed relationships. Maybe that’s the thing. We see so much in our society today, images of the perfect couple that as soon as we meet someone that doesn't turn us off we automatically assume that they turn us on and after that the chase is on. If we’re lucky we convince them too that a relationship is a brilliant idea and we gallop down the road leading to alter. Not that I’m saying everything in the above scenario is wrong. I’m certainly not putting myself up as a relationship coach right now (see the Monogamous Temptress for that) but what I am saying is that we should be respectful of everyone we meet.

Respect that everyone wants to be happy. But again in today’s society we get side tracked in our thinking. People do whatever they can to feel safe and happy. That’s a very simplified statement I know and what I now understand about human nature there are a number of targets people feel the need to fulfill in order to be happy. There is also 2 modes within us that can at time be at conflict in our effort to be happy. It’s not within the scope of this article to address this subject fully but really quick and dirty it’s simply our reasoning rational self and or childish animal self. As an example of the two imagine you just been told that you’re partner no longer wants to be with you anymore. The reasonable person within you could think like this:

"Oh, that’s a shame as I was really into you. I didn’t think this was going to happen. Are you sure that’s how you feel. What is it that makes this so? Only I wonder what happened to change his mind think this was his best option. Oh, but I think he’s been thinking this over for some time and it must been weighing heavy on his mind for ages. Quite a burden I bet. I want him to be happy though. Hurts like hell. I wonder what we need to sort out so we can both be happy in the long run and we can still get along. God, I’m glad he had the courage to get this out in the open before it was too late or that could have been a huge disaster... Well I hope heal be happy. I know I'll be okay. I fancy doing something with the girls this weekend.

Instead of:

"Nooooo! You can’t leave me I love you. I love you so deeply and we were perfect together. How can he leave when I love him so much? It doesn't make sense. Tell me why you want to leave. I can change. I’ll do anything you want, just don’t leave me, I need you. You are my life. I can make you happy like no one else can. We are so right for each other. But you said you loved me. So you lied to me. What am I going to tell my friends? I was planning on to go away together on holiday, just us. How can you do this you were my life? How am I going to survive without him.

I know that this is not typical but you can see that in the first there is some rational reasoning and in the second it was a bit of a mess of victim mentality and that the because they loved them so much there should be no reason to split. The truth is it doesn't matter how much you love someone if they see it as more painful to stay together than to be part then you may have to let them go. Especially in the case of men, as they from experience tend to bounce. They will run off then come back again and then maybe run off again. I’m not entirely sure why that is but I think it could be the wrestle between that habit of being with someone and a certain feeling of obligation and their own need for happiness. Maybe also a fear of what they could be missing.

One needs to stop and think though that if someone is looking to leave you they have given some thought to the consequences and also in a sense, if you can’t rely on them to stay with you then maybe you’re better off without them. 

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