5 Ways To Be Heard

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re talking to a wall, here’s how to open the friendly lines of communication with your partner

Are you listening to me?!?!”

Sometime soon after “I do,” this phrase tends to make its way into a marriage—and stays there. And while it’s common to feel like your spouse isn’t really hearing you from time to time, it’s not something you should brush off as a fixture of long-term commitment. According to a new study from the American Psychological Association that looked at 156 couples in the Boston area, women report feeling more satisfied in a relationship when they feel like their spouse understands when they're angry or upset.

In other words, feeling like you mate is actually listening to you will make you feel less like choking him.

But how do you get your man to exercise his empathetic ear? Here are five tips from relationship experts on how to turn hearing into listening and reap the relationship satisfaction:

Look each other in the eye. Body language is extremely important in couples’ communication, and one of the first steps to listening empathetically is to make eye contact when you’re talking, says Michael Bridges, PhD, from Council for Relationships in Philadelphia. Locking eyes will often lead to your partner nodding or giving you other subtle communication signals, which tips you off to the fact that he’s engaged in what you’re saying.

Take away the blame. Even if you’re upset about something totally unrelated to the relationship, it’s common for your guy’s first response to be “she’s upset with me,” says Gary Stollman, PhD, a relationship expert in Beverly Hills. This makes him defensive right away and automatically escalates the tone of the conversation. Instead, try prefacing your statements with something along the lines of: “This isn’t your fault, and you didn’t do anything wrong; I just need to talk to someone about this,” says Dr. Stollman.

Turn the tables. Another finding from the study shows that women feel more satisfied in a relationship if their spouse opens up about what’s bothering him. Make it known that you'd like to hear what’s upsetting him lately. “Once men know it’s safe to express vulnerable feelings to their partner, they come to appreciate and value it just as much as their wives,” says Dr. Bridges.

Give him a job description. Be very clear about what you want his reaction to be. If you just want him to hear you out, say so, says Dr. Stollman. A good way to do this: When you're venting about your horrific day, say something along the lines of, “All I want for you to do is listen; I don’t want you to fix it—please just listen.”

Show your appreciation. Guys get an especially big boost when their wives express positive emotions, according to the study. So make sure you don’t just yak his ear off about the coworker who's driving your crazy with her annoying speakerphone habit. Remember to let him know how loved you felt when he brought you coffee this morning or that you really felt appreciated when he took care of dinner last night.

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10 Body Language Love Signals

Here's how to read the body signals of the opposite sex.

Do you ever wish there was a magic wand that would make you more attractive to the opposite sex, or at least help you understand who is attracted to you? Well, it's no magic but a science. Here's how men and women can learn to master the art of love.

"Body language is hardwired into our brains, and therefore most often used in unconscious movements," says Allan Pease, body language expert and author of The Body Language of Love (Harper Collins, $19.85). "Women are better wired for picking up on non-verbal signals, so if men want to increase their chances in the mating game, then they should learn how to decode gestures women commonly use."

Signals men need to know

When women toss or flick their hair: If you are talking to a woman and she flicks her hair, it definitely means she's into you. But if you're the one watching and she's done it for someone else, well, better luck next time. "You'll be surprised at how common hair flick and head toss is," says his wife and co-author of the book, Barbara Pease. "Even women with short hair do it all the time." It's a woman's way to show she cares about how she looks and wants to impress her man.
When women fiddle with a round object: Sounds like something you might see in a cheesy Benny Hill show, but Allan says, it's true. If a woman is fondling a phallic-shaped object such as the stem of a wine glass or a dangling earring and giving you repeated glances, she finds you attractive. "It also means she's approachable," adds Barbara.
When women are unconsciously touching themselves: This is body language at the most basic level. "Watch for a woman slowly stroking her neck, throat or thigh," says Allan. "If a man plays his cards right, then he may get to touch her in the same way.
When women point their knees: When you see a woman sitting with one leg tucked up under her, chances are that the knee pointing outwards is pointing towards the person she finds the most interesting. Hope that is you. If she's wearing a dress or skirt, it can offer a fleeting glimpse of an exposed thigh to anyone who's looking — preferably the person of interest.
When women put their face on display: A woman who is trying to attract a man's attention, with elbows resting on a surface, will place one hand on top of the other, then place her chin on her hands and face directly to him as is she is offering it to him for admiration. "It is an extremely feminine gesture, and an intimate one, as it also allows the woman to lean in towards the man," says Barbara. "It also indicates that he has her full attention, and is open to flattery, flirtation and advances."

Signals women need to know

But for women, there is a comparative lack of male courtship signals. "Men don't play a courtship game," says Barbara. "They only respond to it."

Girls, watch out for the following and scout out your man:

When men have protruding thumbs: Thumbs are prominent in many hand gestures, as they represent strength of character and the ego. "A man will use protruding thumbs, in front or back pockets, around women to whom he is attracted," says Allan.
When men display their crotch: Every woman reading this knows at least one man who sits with his legs spread wide at her, like he is taking her photograph. "The crotch display is effectively putting a man's masculinity on show," says Barbara. "His feet are planted firmly on the ground, with his legs apart, displaying the crotch, and letting whoever is observing know that he's not going anywhere.
When their fingers point to what he wants you to notice: When a man's thumbs are tucked into his belt or into the tops of the pockets to frame the genital area, it indicates a sexually aggressive attitude. Allan says this gesture shows to a woman that "I am ready for action". "He has unwittingly given away what's on his mind," adds Barbara.
When men try hard: To make them look more appealing, men will unconsciously arrange their clothing. They will straighten their tie, brush imaginary dust off their shoulder and adjusts their trousers. "His mind says, 'I want to look my best for you' and his body responds accordingly," adds Allan.
When men take up space: A man will put his hands on his hips to occupy as much space as possible to become more noticeable. He may even start to rock back and forth on the soles of his feet as if he was making love in a standing position. According to Barbara, "When it comes to male courtship signals, women often ask me, 'For men, is it always about sex?' Disappointingly for many women, the answer is 'yes'."

Body language tips for men

If a woman slowly crosses and uncrosses her legs then she is into you. If not, her legs would stay firmly in place.
If a woman has put her handbag close to you, she likes you. But if she has just clutched it tightly, bugger off.
If a woman has her legs together and body facing away, buddy, you are going home alone tonight.

Body language tips for women

When a man is wearing tight-fitting trousers, small-size Speedos or dangling the long end of a belt or a bunch of keys in front of their crotch, it means they're putting their masculinity on display. It's the same as a woman with a push-up bra.
When a man puts his hands in his pocket, it means they are closed-off.
When a man mirrors a woman's facial expressions, she'll think he is caring and attractive.

Common gestures

Jiggling feet is a sign of boredom.
Locked ankles show negative emotions.
Extended blinking, covering their mouth, rubbing eyes all mean the person is lying.