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5 Ways To Be Heard

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re talking to a wall, here’s how to open the friendly lines of communication with your partner

Are you listening to me?!?!”

Sometime soon after “I do,” this phrase tends to make its way into a marriage—and stays there. And while it’s common to feel like your spouse isn’t really hearing you from time to time, it’s not something you should brush off as a fixture of long-term commitment. According to a new study from the American Psychological Association that looked at 156 couples in the Boston area, women report feeling more satisfied in a relationship when they feel like their spouse understands when they're angry or upset.

In other words, feeling like you mate is actually listening to you will make you feel less like choking him.

But how do you get your man to exercise his empathetic ear? Here are five tips from relationship experts on how to turn hearing into listening and reap the relationship satisfaction:

Look each other in the eye. Body language is extremely important in couples’ communication, and one of the first steps to listening empathetically is to make eye contact when you’re talking, says Michael Bridges, PhD, from Council for Relationships in Philadelphia. Locking eyes will often lead to your partner nodding or giving you other subtle communication signals, which tips you off to the fact that he’s engaged in what you’re saying.

Take away the blame. Even if you’re upset about something totally unrelated to the relationship, it’s common for your guy’s first response to be “she’s upset with me,” says Gary Stollman, PhD, a relationship expert in Beverly Hills. This makes him defensive right away and automatically escalates the tone of the conversation. Instead, try prefacing your statements with something along the lines of: “This isn’t your fault, and you didn’t do anything wrong; I just need to talk to someone about this,” says Dr. Stollman.

Turn the tables. Another finding from the study shows that women feel more satisfied in a relationship if their spouse opens up about what’s bothering him. Make it known that you'd like to hear what’s upsetting him lately. “Once men know it’s safe to express vulnerable feelings to their partner, they come to appreciate and value it just as much as their wives,” says Dr. Bridges.

Give him a job description. Be very clear about what you want his reaction to be. If you just want him to hear you out, say so, says Dr. Stollman. A good way to do this: When you're venting about your horrific day, say something along the lines of, “All I want for you to do is listen; I don’t want you to fix it—please just listen.”

Show your appreciation. Guys get an especially big boost when their wives express positive emotions, according to the study. So make sure you don’t just yak his ear off about the coworker who's driving your crazy with her annoying speakerphone habit. Remember to let him know how loved you felt when he brought you coffee this morning or that you really felt appreciated when he took care of dinner last night.

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9 Popular Teachings About Marriage That Aren't True

Everyone tries to imagine the way their lives would change after saying " I do" but often get disappointed in their first years of marriage because they realize that what they imagined was far from reality

There are certain myths about marriage that can influence the way we think our future will look like next to the one we love, but many of these things aren’t actually true.

Though it's not wrong to want certain things in life or from your relationship, you must be aware of the fact that things often change and that people evolve and you should not be disappointed if they are not as you imagined them to be.

Corina Dondas of Binoni disproves a few popular and most common myths about marriage:

1 The only ingredient for a happy marriage is love:

One of the most common myths about marriage refers to the fact that you only need love in order to have a long, happy married life. This statement couldn’t be more wrong! For a marriage to work, besides all the love, you also need a lot of other things, like patience, empathy, care, consideration, tact and a lot of other qualities that you either have or you either develop along the way. A marriage takes a lot of work and unfortunately, love isn’t enough to make things work out... you also need to put a little effort into it.

2 Once you get married, you don't evolve anymore:
This is another myth that influences a lot the way people perceive marriage and themselves being married. Often, many people, and especially the single ones, tend to think that married couples have certain predetermined roles and responsibilities, and all that prevents them from evolving, from having fun, from enjoying life. These things are completely false! Even if after marriage you could get a few new responsibilities, you will still be able to make time for your hobbies, for doing stuff that makes you happy. You will even share these things with the one you love; it will be more fun!

3 After marriage your relationship will be even stronger
In order for your marriage to work, it will take a lot of effort and a lot of compromises from both of you spouses. People tend to think that marriage will help consolidate their relationship, without them doing a thing, and that isn’t exactly true. I don’t doubt the fact that marriage does unite couples even more, but you should work on your relationship after your wedding too. Good things need a lot of work sometimes! But I’m sure that all that work means nothing compared to a really happy marriage.

4 The spouses should have the same interest or passions
This sentence couldn’t be more wrong! Every person is unique and this also applies to couples. It would be nice if you would have a few things in common with your husband or wife, a few pleasant hobbies that you share, some common interests, but, if you don’t have them it’s still okay. It’s also good if you are a bit different in some ways because this will allow you to complete each other.

5 If couples live together before marriage, their marriage will be really happy

Nowadays, there are a lot of couples that decide to move in together, taking this step as a final test before saying "I do." But, you know, nothing will guarantee you that your relationship will be even better after marriage by living together, because this depends entirely on you guys. You are the only ones who can make things work and the only ones who can have a really happy and wonderful marriage!

6 Your spouse should be your best friend

This is one of the popular myths that it’s often wrong. The thing with the spouse being also your best friend is not a rule that every married person should follow. It’s absolutely normal and necessary to get along very well with your other half, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have other friends with whom you can get along just fine or maybe, sometimes, even better. These friends can listen to you, can offer you advice, can be there to comfort you when you need it, and they can do all these things in other ways that your spouse does them.

7 There's only one person in the world whom you can marry
Here, I am talking about the well-known, "soul-mate" myth. We like to believe (and I think it would be really nice if this were true) that somewhere, in this big, big world, there’s our other half, which completes us perfectly and with whom we will live happily ever after. Unfortunately (or why not, fortunately for us), this perfect half doesn’t exist, so you could have a really happy marriage and a wonderful life with different people.

8 Children can increase happiness of a married couple
This is a very, very popular myth among a lot of married couples or even people who are in committed relationships. The fact is that a lot of studies have shown that actually, the first born baby of a couple separates a bit the two new parents because this event brings a significant amount of stress in their lives. Also, the couples with many children are less likely to get a divorce but also, this is not a rule.

9 Married people have a less satisfying sex life:
I can understand how easy it is to believe that married people have a less satisfying sex life and that they have sex a lot less than the single people do. But actually, recent studies have shown that in fact married couples have a much happier and more fulfilled sex life than the single ones, not necessarily by having more sex but by having meaningful sex, by being involved both physically and especially, emotionally.

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Sunday, 16 August 2015

5 Ways To Be Heard

5 Ways To Be Heard

Thursday, 6 August 2015

9 Popular Teachings About Marriage That Aren't True