Showing posts with label dignity. Show all posts

Thursday, 18 February 2016

6 Tips For Moving On After You’ve Been Blindsided By A Breakup

"Moving on after a breakup is hard, most of us have had this happen to us, and for some more than once, and it doesn't get any easier.

My philosophy is that things happen for a reason, and if you find yourself being the fallout of a breakup don't panic and most importantly don't lose your dignity. Step away

from the situation this will enable you to think things through, don' t plead for it not to happen, after all why would you want to be with someone who has just broken up with you? Imagine a friend of yours is in the same situation, what advice would you give them. Believe me you will get over it, but give it time." - Susan

6 Tips For Moving On After You’ve Been Blindsided By A Breakup

“This isn’t working for me anymore,” he says abruptly one night on the phone, and you’re stunned. Everything had been going great. You’d even been thinking about places to go on a summer vacation together, but unfortunately, he had other plans. And you did not see this coming.

Breakups are hard enough when you know things aren’t working out and sense that the end is looming, but they’re even more painful when you’re totally caught by surprise. What relationship was I in? you wonder, since it was obviously so different from the one your boyfriend was in. Questioning whether you were completely out of touch with reality, you search for red flags you may have missed, look for everything you could have done wrong, and long for answers.

But when a breakup comes on out-of-the-blue, it’s usually not because of anything you did wrong. Abrupt endings—that happen when things never seemed better, and without any discernible warning signs or discussions about his relationship concerns—usually have more to do with a guy’s emotional unavailability or fear of commitment.

This isn’t a time to berate yourself about all the things you wish you’d done differently, or chase him to get closure—or another chance. This is the time to let go of this relationship and prioritise taking care of yourself so you can recover from the devastation of a surprise attack, heal, and move on. Here’s how:

1. Don’t call him for answers. That last conversation didn’t go well. There’s so much more you want to know and all those things you forgot to say. So you’re tempted to call him,just one more time. The problem is, this follow-up conversation will never, ever be satisfying. You might feel good for about three seconds but as soon as you hang up the phone you’re going to think of something else you want to say, which will lead you right into an endless loop of just one more phone calls. The peace you imagine closure will bring is an elusive thing; most of the time, all you really need to know is that he doesn’t want to date you anymore, and the only thing that will truly bring you peace is time. Nothing he could say, barring, “Let’s get back together,” is actually going to make you feel better. So let yourself cry and vent to friends, but don’t pick up that phone. Ditto for text or email.

2. Maintain your dignity. Another danger of being in touch with him post-breakup is that you could be telling yourself you’re just doing it because you want closure, when deep down what you really want is another chance. If someone does not want to be with you, trying to convince them otherwise is a quick and painful road to losing your dignity. Promising you’ll change, trying to prove your worth, or flat-out asking (not to mention its close cousin, begging) him to give things another shot will take a tremendous toll on your self-esteem. Know that what you’re really worthy of is a man who wants to be with you and doesn’t need convincing, and walk away with your head held high.

3. Don’t try to run into him or be friends. The same impulse that makes you want to call him is going to nudge you to casually stroll by those places you know he’s likely to be, but resist. Running into him will keep reactivating sadness over the loss of your relationship. And if he says, “We can still be friends,” pass on that offer, and don’t suggest it yourself. Do you really want to be friends with a person who was so inconsiderate, uncommunicative, and hurtful? Are these qualities you look for in a friend? Even if you’re the one person in the world who can actually be friends with an ex who dumped you, that friendship is going to cease being fun really fast when he starts dating someone else, and your “friend” tells you all about his new love.

4. Delete, delete, delete. A great way to torture yourself after you’ve been dumped is to go back and reread all his old texts and emails and listen to his voicemails. Avoid this temptation by deleting them sooner rather than later. Sure, they feel like a security blanket—if you’re not dating anyone else yet, his messages remind you of a time when someone loved you. You might be afraid that if you delete them, you’ll have nothing left and will just be in this relationship-less void, thinking, What if no one ever writes me sweet, loving messages like he did again? But you still have to take a deep breath and click Delete. Rereading or listening to them could take you back to when everything was blissful between the two of you, causing you to idealise the relationship and go into fantasy and longing for him. Or it could dredge up, over and over and over again, what you’ve lost. Either way, it’s going to keep you stuck, in pain, and closed off to meeting someone new. If deleting seems impossible, ask a friend to sit with you while you do it to provide support, and reward yourself by doing something fun after the deed is done.

5. Take some time off dating. Being dumped, especially unexpectedly, is painful, and you can avoid feeling that pain by starting to date again right away. Lots of people say it—you can’t get over the last one until you meet the next one. But when you’re dating from this place of needing to get over someone else, there’s a desperation underneath everything you do. First of all, guys can sense this, but more importantly, it puts you at risk for being even more hurt. If you haven’t dealt with the underlying pain of your last relationship, every single slight from a new guy is going to feel disproportionately agonising. Someone you just met online doesn’t ask you on a second date? Heartbreaking! A blind date stands you up? Devastating! Better to take some time off to nurse your wounds before heading back out there. And don’t just sit in your room with the shades drawn feeling sorry for yourself during this dating hiatus. Use it as a time to get back in touch with your life and the things you love to do. Go to concerts, enrol in a class, take up yoga, read that book you’ve been meaning to for the past year. Nurturing your relationship with yourself will build up the resilience you’ll need to dive back into the dating the pool from a place of confidence and hope instead of desperation and dread.

6. Keep the faith. After someone has hurt you in a way you didn’t even see coming, it’s natural to be skittish about relationships. Trusting that this relationship was going somewhere led you to feeling blindsided and betrayed when it ended out-of-the-blue. It’s hard to trust that another man won’t do exactly the same thing if you become vulnerable again, and it’s even harder to trust yourself when you’d thought things were going so well when they actually weren’t. But this is the most important piece of moving on after a breakup—believing that you will meet someone else who won’t hurt you like that, and letting yourself open up to and trust another person. There are no guarantees, and you might get hurt many more times before you meet the person you can trust. In the absence of guarantees, all you have to hold onto is faith, which sometimes may not feel like a lot. But it’s so much better than the alternative of letting one ex’s bad behaviour rob you of your trust, close off your heart, and block the possibility of being blindsided—but this time, by love.

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Thursday, 29 October 2015

Why I Went after a Bad Boy and Why YOU Shouldn’t

"Take up with a bad boy and you are signing up for endless conflict and a long-suffering relationship. Bad boys make bad dating partners, they will not change unless they want to, unfortunately most women learn this the hard way. Why put yourself through all that stress, there are lots of sincere men out there". - Susan

Why I Went after a Bad Boy and Why YOU Shouldn’t

Everywhere I went, men were falling at my feet. I was the “heartbreaker,” and I was about to get a huge lesson in humility from a bad boy.

I was at an all-time low.

I was in my early 20s, and my life was not turning out how I’d imagined. While I was never the girl who thought I needed a man to complete me, I’d been single at this point for over 4 years, and I was going crazy. I’d never had a short-term relationship before, never “dated” to the real meaning of the word. To this day, I’ve only ever kissed 4 guys. I prided myself on that – on never having “throw-away” relationships.

I had also had a reputation of being incredibly picky with men, with plenty of opportunities to exercise my choosy nature. Everywhere I went, I felt like men were falling at my feet. Things had been this way since I was 14 years old. I was the “heartbreaker,” and I was about to get a huge lesson in humility.

I came across a bad boy through a friend of a friend. We had hung out a couple of times the year previous *I much later found out he had a girlfriend during that time. Charming, no?*, and then went incommunicado for almost a year. He texted me at random one day, and we began hanging out. Aside from being physically attracted to him, I wasn’t interested in the slightest. He didn’t seem very smart or very likeable, yet I kept coming back for more. Why?

That bad boy draw

There are several draws to a bad boy, none of which are good, in hindsight. Yet while you’re in the moment, these aspects of bad boyhood seem intoxicating. He’s troubled, he’s attractive, he’s unattainable, and he’s all over you.

#1 He’s incredibly attractive. Something about those bad boys just screams charm and good looks. While I’ve never fancied myself shallow, this was the most attractive guy I’d ever met. He had these broad shoulders and the most perfect hair I’d ever seen. The bad boys are often the hot ones, so watch out, ladies.

#2 He didn’t seem interested. “I guess he didn’t care, and I guess I liked that” is a line from the Taylor Swift song “Trouble,” which seems incredibly relevant here. Call it typical, call it a stereotype or psychological game, but ladies, this game is addictive.

I’d never had a problem with having my pick of the litter. Men would seemingly fall in “love” with me at the drop of a hat. Then I met Mr. Bad, and couldn’t tell if he was interested at all. We kept hanging out, everything seemed “date-like,” but he never flirted with me, never complimented me. This guy was either a player, bad at dating, or gay.

Yet for some reason, in my depressed state, I kept coming back to this guy. My self-esteem was already so low, I knew I had to conquer him. I didn’t even like his personality. Instead, it became this game where I had to get him to like me. I had to win, even if I didn’t actually want him. He was such a jerk, I just had to be the one to come out on top.

#3 He’s troubled. The sexy ones always are, FYI. Bad boys usually have some trouble in their lives. In my past relationships, the closest I came to being with someone “troubled” was dating a guy who smoked pot a couple of times. He was also vegan, graduated University with a promising future as an English professor, adored his parents, and kept high grades. A real rebel, am I right?

Mr. Bad, however, was a real case of emotional drama. His parents had issues with lying that clearly messed him up from a young age. He was a raging alcoholic. And he selfishly treated women the same way he did when he was 15 years old – like they were nothing.

The result of dating a bad boy

On the bright side, I learned a couple of things while I was dating the bad boy I managed to “conquer.”

#1 You get screwed over. While my bad boy never cheated on me, he did some incredibly strange and painful things during the course of our relationship. It became increasingly evident that while he claimed otherwise – he did not love me. And I didn’t love him.

He wasn’t normal. He didn’t respect my parents and refused to meet them. He hated that I had friends who weren’t him, and made social outings *probably purposely* a nightmare, so I would never make him go to anything ever again. When it came to his family outings we always had to go, of course.

#2 Psychological abuse and severe self-doubt. The ring-around-the-hell-hole I played with this man started to feel like emotional abuse. I used to think he was just a jerk when he was drunk, but I quickly learned that no – he was just a jerk, period.

One night, I sat home sobbing in my bedroom, wondering how in the world I was going to leave him and take back my dignity, and my mother brought up a fantastic question. “What do you like about him?” she asked. I just stared. For the life of me, I couldn’t think of an answer.

We had nothing in common, I had come to resent and loathe being with and around him, and he didn’t even treat me well. I knew what she was getting at – I liked being with him because it meant I wasn’t alone. Had I become a pathetic talk show subject?

#3 Pain that lasts forever… or at least, for a couple of years. I was always the girl who knew what I wanted, knew what I was worth, and knew what I deserved. I was the type who scoffed at other girls for not having enough self-esteem to leave their a-hole boyfriends, obviously never imagining I would be stuck with one.

It’s so much easier to judge when you’ve never been put in such a situation. To this day, I still look back on things that happened between us and question my own self-worth, my intelligence, and my appearance. Don’t let that happen to you.

My advice to you

If you’re thinking of dating a real bad boy *and not the “bad boy” vegan guy I had dated back then*, here’s what you should keep in mind.

#1 He doesn’t love you. About a year into our relationship, I realised that my boyfriend didn’t love me. He loved having a girlfriend. I play the guitar, I have been in radio plays, I went through college, I have a colourful family, and a YouTube channel – and he never asked about any of it. Ever.

If your guy doesn’t care about who you are, throw him to the curb because he never will, and you are way better than that.

#2 Staying single is better than being with someone who lessens who you are. You’re either going to be miserable alone, or miserable with someone else attached to you, and believe me, it’s much better to be miserable and single. Keep holding out for the kind of guy who would move mountains just to be with you.

#3 You’re worth it. Yeah, it sounds like a “Rah-Rah-Rah” mantra, but it’s true. My experience with a bad boy reminded me that I’m worth more than being somebody’s sidekick. I deserve to be somebody’s partner, and so do you.

If you are the type of person who prides yourself on not being a “stupid girl” *you know the type*, then your experience in dating a bad boy will scar you forever. When you think back on all the ridiculous things you let your hot guy get away with, you will cringe, cry, and seethe with anger.

These feelings will likely always be in the back of your mind somewhere. Let them be a reminder to you to never be so stupid with men again.

The charm and appeal will amount to nothing once you realize what kind of person the bad boy really is. Save yourself the trouble, and choose a guy who will give you love and respect, not problems and tears.

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