Showing posts with label move on. Show all posts

Thursday, 18 February 2016

6 Tips For Moving On After You’ve Been Blindsided By A Breakup

"Moving on after a breakup is hard, most of us have had this happen to us, and for some more than once, and it doesn't get any easier.

My philosophy is that things happen for a reason, and if you find yourself being the fallout of a breakup don't panic and most importantly don't lose your dignity. Step away

from the situation this will enable you to think things through, don' t plead for it not to happen, after all why would you want to be with someone who has just broken up with you? Imagine a friend of yours is in the same situation, what advice would you give them. Believe me you will get over it, but give it time." - Susan

6 Tips For Moving On After You’ve Been Blindsided By A Breakup

“This isn’t working for me anymore,” he says abruptly one night on the phone, and you’re stunned. Everything had been going great. You’d even been thinking about places to go on a summer vacation together, but unfortunately, he had other plans. And you did not see this coming.

Breakups are hard enough when you know things aren’t working out and sense that the end is looming, but they’re even more painful when you’re totally caught by surprise. What relationship was I in? you wonder, since it was obviously so different from the one your boyfriend was in. Questioning whether you were completely out of touch with reality, you search for red flags you may have missed, look for everything you could have done wrong, and long for answers.

But when a breakup comes on out-of-the-blue, it’s usually not because of anything you did wrong. Abrupt endings—that happen when things never seemed better, and without any discernible warning signs or discussions about his relationship concerns—usually have more to do with a guy’s emotional unavailability or fear of commitment.

This isn’t a time to berate yourself about all the things you wish you’d done differently, or chase him to get closure—or another chance. This is the time to let go of this relationship and prioritise taking care of yourself so you can recover from the devastation of a surprise attack, heal, and move on. Here’s how:

1. Don’t call him for answers. That last conversation didn’t go well. There’s so much more you want to know and all those things you forgot to say. So you’re tempted to call him,just one more time. The problem is, this follow-up conversation will never, ever be satisfying. You might feel good for about three seconds but as soon as you hang up the phone you’re going to think of something else you want to say, which will lead you right into an endless loop of just one more phone calls. The peace you imagine closure will bring is an elusive thing; most of the time, all you really need to know is that he doesn’t want to date you anymore, and the only thing that will truly bring you peace is time. Nothing he could say, barring, “Let’s get back together,” is actually going to make you feel better. So let yourself cry and vent to friends, but don’t pick up that phone. Ditto for text or email.

2. Maintain your dignity. Another danger of being in touch with him post-breakup is that you could be telling yourself you’re just doing it because you want closure, when deep down what you really want is another chance. If someone does not want to be with you, trying to convince them otherwise is a quick and painful road to losing your dignity. Promising you’ll change, trying to prove your worth, or flat-out asking (not to mention its close cousin, begging) him to give things another shot will take a tremendous toll on your self-esteem. Know that what you’re really worthy of is a man who wants to be with you and doesn’t need convincing, and walk away with your head held high.

3. Don’t try to run into him or be friends. The same impulse that makes you want to call him is going to nudge you to casually stroll by those places you know he’s likely to be, but resist. Running into him will keep reactivating sadness over the loss of your relationship. And if he says, “We can still be friends,” pass on that offer, and don’t suggest it yourself. Do you really want to be friends with a person who was so inconsiderate, uncommunicative, and hurtful? Are these qualities you look for in a friend? Even if you’re the one person in the world who can actually be friends with an ex who dumped you, that friendship is going to cease being fun really fast when he starts dating someone else, and your “friend” tells you all about his new love.

4. Delete, delete, delete. A great way to torture yourself after you’ve been dumped is to go back and reread all his old texts and emails and listen to his voicemails. Avoid this temptation by deleting them sooner rather than later. Sure, they feel like a security blanket—if you’re not dating anyone else yet, his messages remind you of a time when someone loved you. You might be afraid that if you delete them, you’ll have nothing left and will just be in this relationship-less void, thinking, What if no one ever writes me sweet, loving messages like he did again? But you still have to take a deep breath and click Delete. Rereading or listening to them could take you back to when everything was blissful between the two of you, causing you to idealise the relationship and go into fantasy and longing for him. Or it could dredge up, over and over and over again, what you’ve lost. Either way, it’s going to keep you stuck, in pain, and closed off to meeting someone new. If deleting seems impossible, ask a friend to sit with you while you do it to provide support, and reward yourself by doing something fun after the deed is done.

5. Take some time off dating. Being dumped, especially unexpectedly, is painful, and you can avoid feeling that pain by starting to date again right away. Lots of people say it—you can’t get over the last one until you meet the next one. But when you’re dating from this place of needing to get over someone else, there’s a desperation underneath everything you do. First of all, guys can sense this, but more importantly, it puts you at risk for being even more hurt. If you haven’t dealt with the underlying pain of your last relationship, every single slight from a new guy is going to feel disproportionately agonising. Someone you just met online doesn’t ask you on a second date? Heartbreaking! A blind date stands you up? Devastating! Better to take some time off to nurse your wounds before heading back out there. And don’t just sit in your room with the shades drawn feeling sorry for yourself during this dating hiatus. Use it as a time to get back in touch with your life and the things you love to do. Go to concerts, enrol in a class, take up yoga, read that book you’ve been meaning to for the past year. Nurturing your relationship with yourself will build up the resilience you’ll need to dive back into the dating the pool from a place of confidence and hope instead of desperation and dread.

6. Keep the faith. After someone has hurt you in a way you didn’t even see coming, it’s natural to be skittish about relationships. Trusting that this relationship was going somewhere led you to feeling blindsided and betrayed when it ended out-of-the-blue. It’s hard to trust that another man won’t do exactly the same thing if you become vulnerable again, and it’s even harder to trust yourself when you’d thought things were going so well when they actually weren’t. But this is the most important piece of moving on after a breakup—believing that you will meet someone else who won’t hurt you like that, and letting yourself open up to and trust another person. There are no guarantees, and you might get hurt many more times before you meet the person you can trust. In the absence of guarantees, all you have to hold onto is faith, which sometimes may not feel like a lot. But it’s so much better than the alternative of letting one ex’s bad behaviour rob you of your trust, close off your heart, and block the possibility of being blindsided—but this time, by love.

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Thursday, 27 March 2014

And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting

And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting

Missing: Man of Finance who goes by the name of Jeremy. Late twenties, auburn hair, last seen in Chelsea in August 2009. The first man who ever “ghosted” me.

“Ghosting,” the act of disappearing in a phantom-like fashion from someone you are seeing, is prevalent in today’s dating culture and it is objectively terrible behavior. Ghosting can happen after a one-date rendezvous or months of seeing each other – no one is safe from this juvenile phenomenon. Take a horde of singles living in a big city, give them tech devices and dating apps, add a dash of childishness and you’ve got a recipe for relationship disaster stories. For Millennials, “and then I never heard from him again,” is one of the most common endings to great date stories. And we all deserve a happier, non-Sopranos-style ending.

“I think people have been ending relationships badly since the beginning of time,” says Dr. Nicole L. Cromer, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City. But now that we can hide behind our phones and swipe right onTinder to find our next date, it’s that much easier to be anonymous and to not take responsibility, explains Cromer, who specializes in relationship issues. But just because it’s easy doesn’t mean it isn’t gutless.

When I met Jeremy at a bar in Midtown on a random Wednesday night, I was incredibly naïve to the New York dating scene. He was genuinely interested in me – I thought. The idea of feigning attraction in an attempt to get someone in bed was nonsensical to me. He texted me nonstop and we met up twice within days of meeting. Soon after, the momentum of our communication came to a startling halt.

When I reached out, he made excuses about how work was keeping him from going out. He was a few years older and worked in banking, so this was plausible. A week later, I thoughtfully asked if he had time for lunch one day soon – a date with a built-in timetable for a busy trader. I blankly stared at my phone, awaiting his response, until eventually I blinked and realized what had happened: I had been ghosted.

Sure, he promised me nothing. I was the one who had the Pollyanna-ish expectation that a few fun nights out together meant he should, at the very least, digitally acknowledge my existence.

More than the difficulty of dealing with the loss of him, I struggle with stomaching the lack of human decency of ghosting. I understand that there’s no future for us, but a simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, “Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,” would provide so much more closure. It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days. When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.

Jeremy might have been the first to pull a stunt like this on me – but his actions are certainly not unique.

“Whether you just go radio silent on them, or cancel on them, I definitely know a lot of guys who end things that way and are guilty of it,” explains one New Yorker, named Jimmy. “You had fun, they’re not Ms. Right but it was a good run and you just kind of fade it out.”

Jimmy, 25, says that men, too, are frequently on the receiving end of this. Because the likelihood of running into someone again is slim – and the probability of finding another date within the hour is high, thanks to an inundation of digital dating services – some find this to be a viable solution to ceasing contact with someone. More than simply being a symptom of living in a transient city, Jimmy believes that immaturity also plays a role, and agrees that ghosting hurts.

Confrontation in this instance is defined not by conflict, but by being upfront and letting the person know, “I’m just not that into you.”

“This scenario [happens] even after four, five, six dates,” said Jimmy. “They can still be disrespectful enough just to play dead on you. It definitely stings a little.” He notes that this practice can make the ghostee feel like they weren’t even “worthy” of an explanation.

Kristy (some names in this piece have been changed), 25, met John on Tinder. They had gone on a few dates and then one Saturday night last summer, John drove from Brooklyn to the Meatpacking District to meet Kristy and her friend at a club as it neared last call. He stayed for one drink and then took the girls home to Midtown East. John kissed her goodbye and rode off into the dusk. When Kristy texted him: “How was Philly?” (he told her he was going there the next day), he didn’t reply – ever.

Kristy said she initially questioned herself: “What did I say that clearly made him think that I’m nuts? What was said to turn him off?”

Her confusion then turned to anger as she realized she hadn’t even liked him that much to begin with: “Why does he think he’s too cool to not call me back?”

This internal reflection is common.

“When someone is deciding to not communicate with you, it’s harder to see that it’s really about them and not about you,” explains Cromer. “All kinds of insecurities are likely to come up in that space.”

The choice to end a relationship in this manner reflects more on the ghost than the now-confused former love interest. When ending a relationship, depending on one’s personality, they’ll likely take one of two approaches: avoidance (ghosting) or confrontation. Confrontation in this instance is defined not by conflict, but by being upfront and letting the person know, “I’m just not that into you.”

According to a study on preferred relationship termination strategies conducted in the 1970s by Leslie A. Baxter and Jeffrey Philpott, when one party chooses to end a relationship through avoidance, it is likely to trigger more anger and hurt – and lead to confrontation.

Ghosts: you’re not as smooth as you think you are – and more importantly, you’re not doing yourselves any favors when you pull a vanishing act. You, too, would benefit from being upfront and honest about whether or not the relationship has run into a cul-de-sac on the road to love.

The study found that avoidance oftentimes causes so much frustration that it leads to an encounter initiated by the recipient. In the case of ghosting, a face-off is the last outcome one hopes non-action will have – and ends up being more detrimental overall.

“Delayed confrontation is more likely to be destructive for the parties than is initial confrontation; [it] compounds the reasons for termination with the additional frustration and anger over how the other party has reacted thus far in the termination effort,” explains the study. “Even if the other party passively accepts the avoidance action, the terminator faces the lingering cost of knowing that he or she took the coward’s way out of the relationship.”

So rip off the Band-Aid. Own up to your feelings, or lack thereof. We will all receive the necessary closure and resolve as a result.

Denise Abatemarco, a psychotherapist in New York City, says many of her single clients – who happen to be smart women, with successful careers – have had men “end” relationships with them through avoidance. Because these men sidestep addressing their feelings head-on, she sees women falling into a trap of blaming themselves to derive some sort of understanding.

Until we can all live in a world of honest dating, Abatemarco suggests paying attention to red flags that are typically overlooked or dismissed as normal – like when someone does not respond to texts and calls consistently, or is particularly guarded. Try to find out about someone’s relationship history and what they are looking for; if they’re not willing to divulge that information, it can be telling, she says.

There are always signs, but we’re usually willing to make excuses, wishful that this time, this person, will be the exception. Recently, I had been going out with a man for a couple of months before he had a bit of an emotional breakdown one night – let’s just say tears were involved. Before, his texts came frequently, but a week passed and I was genuinely concerned about his well-being.

Swallowing my fear, I sent the first text. Minutes, then hours, then days went by and there was no response. Of course, my mind went to extremes – was he okay? Was he institutionalized? (That seemed rational at the time).

As Abatemarco points out, there were several glaring warning signs that suggested I should stay away. But I felt the need for an explanation.

“It’s really shitty to just disappear and think someone…me…won’t notice or care. Just concerned that you’re ok,” I typed. In a way, I wanted him to know that, if he was ghosting me, I was onto his exit strategy.

Texting him prompted a quick response, apologies, excuses and one more hangout where everything seemed fine, only to lead to the same outcome: another relationship that evaporated into the thin New York City air.

The truth of the matter is, had he let me know that he just wasn’t feeling it, whatever his reasons were, I would have been okay with it. Misconnecting is common, and oftentimes, I already know he’s not the one for me and I’m just not seeing the red flags, as Abatemarco suggests.

Like the experts say, it’s not you, it’s them – time is better spent moving on to the next.

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