Showing posts with label dating scene. Show all posts

Sunday, 2 August 2015

5 Ways to Bring The Spark Back To Your Relationship

One of the hardest things that people face over the course of a long-term relationship is that the initial spark – what many in the polyamory community call “new relationship energy” – fades. It’s an entirely natural part of settling into a relationship; the initial honeymoon period fades and what was intense and exciting becomes calmer and placid. That initial rush of passion that had you banging out on every flat surface in the house and made every vaguely empty space a potential fuckstop starts to wane and you’re finding yourselves passing on fucking like greased weasels on meth in exchange for catching up on Almost Human and getting an early night’s sleep and the dawning realization that you have become everything you swore you never would. Suddenly you’re not having sex like you used to and despite what the advice column cartels will tell you, no amount of offering to do the dishes or help out with the laundry is going to bring back that mad intensity that you had at the very beginning.

For many couples this sudden realization that that you’ve crossed the sex/sleep threshold is a mark that your relationship is now in a permanent downward spiral and the only thing that’s left is shuffling through Costco together like a pair of consumerist zombies looking for a bulk discount on everything that you’re going to be using to fill the void that was your relationship.

The death of passion in a long-term relationship is one of the biggest killers of relationships because we associate it with being bored. It’s the age old joke that sleeping with the same person for the rest of your life is the equivalent of eating the same frozen hamburger for every meal for all eternity while all of your single friends are zipping out to gastropubs and eating multiple delicious entrees in combinations that stand in defiance of the laws of God and Man.

There’s nothing like being in a long-term relationship to convince you that your friends are making multiple trips to the all-you-can-eat fuck-buffet that is the singles scene.

It’s enough to fog over all those times you ranted about how much you hated the dating scene and you begin to reminisce the days when we were single and the world was our surprisingly open-minded oyster. Except… it doesn’t have to be that way.

While that initial honeymoon stage of the relationship does fade in order to form a bond that is deeper and more intimate as the two of you become closer and intertwine your lives together, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still live it up like a couple of horny teenagers at the start of a slasher movie. A long term relationship doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to watch the spark fade away. You just have to know how to rekindle it.

Keep The Thrills

One of the biggest mistakes that couples make is that they put the emphasis in their long-term maintenance on romance – date nights at romantic restaurants for candle-lit dinners and soft music, trying to remind themselves of what it was like when things were new.

“Somehow it loses something when I know you’re a sure thing.”

But while this may remind you of those lovey-dovey moments from early in your courtship, it’s actually not what you want to bring the spark back to your relationship. This isn’t to say that romance is bad, but when it comes to rekindling passion, you don’t want “sweet” or “romantic”. You want excitement, and you’re not going to get that by trying to recreate soft-focus montages from romantic comedies.

Bringing the thrill back to the relationship means bringing actual thrills back. You want to do things that get your heart racing, kick your adrenal glands into overdrive and get your central nervous system engaged. Humans are very bad at actually understanding the source of our emotions, a tendency known as misattribution of arousal. We feel the physical effects – increased heart rate, nervousness, cold sweat, shaky limbs – first and backfill the explanation for them afterwards. The physiological feeling of fear is identical to the feeling of having a crush on somebody – the exact feeling you’re hoping to recapture for your sweety. Moreover, there’s a direct correlation between stimulation of your central nervous system and sexual arousal – meaning that that things that excite you are going to excite you if you know what I mean and I think you do.

He means bangin’.

So skip the romantic dinners for dancing, rock climbing or chugging some coffee and hitting some roller-coasters instead.

See Other People

There’s an apocryphal story about President Coolidge and his wife visiting an experimental government farm that specialized in developing new approaches to efficiency. The president and Mrs. Coolidge were taken on separate tours, and when Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard, she noticed that the rooster was vigorously mating with the hens. “How often does that happen?” she asked her guide. “Oh, dozens of times per day,” he replied. “Well be sure to tell that to the President when he comes by.” When President Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard and his wife’s message had been relayed, he asked “Does the rooster mate with the same hen every time?” “Oh no,” said the guide, “it’s a different hen every time.”

“Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,” replied the President.

It’s an old joke but one with a kernel of truth in it: mammals have an instinctual need for novelty when it comes to sex. Male rats, after having mated with the receptive females housed with it will show a decreased interest in sex, even when the females are still interested. However, adding a new female rat instantly revived the male, who would proceed to immediately mate with the new female. Subsequent experiments found that the Coolidge effect was present in females as well; introducing a new male into the mix would cause the female to have renewed interest in sex.

One of the things that makes long-term monogamy incredibly difficult is that our bodies literally work against our best intentions; the dopamine spike from sex with the same partner decreases over time but spikes with a new one. As a result: we don’t get the same rush. That’s why the sexual encounters in the early stages of a relationship are firestorms of excitement that culminate in orgasms that blow the top of your head off: your body is reacting to the novelty of a new partner, and settles down as you become more familiar with one another. As a result… we get a little bored, even when we have an intense emotional bond with our honey,

Obviously, the answer is “open relationships for everyone!” I’m only partially joking; couples who have opened up their relationships have reported increased levels of desire for their primary partner as well as greater sexual satisfaction. Not only are both partners benefiting from the increased dopamine incurred from having new sex partners, but they’re taking advantage of a quirk of our primate ancestry known as sperm competition. When a male ape believes that his mate has had sex with another male, he’ll have an even more intense orgasm with a greater volume of ejaculate in an attempt to flush out the competitor’s sperm and replace it with his own

“Boys, boys, it’s all in the name of science…”

Of course, open relationships and polyamory aren’t for everyone, nor are they inherently any better or worse than traditional monogamy. Beating the Coolidge effect doesn’t mean that the only solution is to sleep with other people. One of the ways of overcoming the drop in sexual interest is to build up sexual excitement elsewhere and redirect into the actual relationship – that is, getting all hot and bothered and bringing it home to your partner. This doesn’t mean going out and making out with a stranger and coming back to your snugglebunny to actually get the payoff, just that you build up your sexual tension and arousal elsewhere.

One method is to watch porn together; the variety offered by online porn can trigger the novelty switch, even when the actual pay-off is with your long-term partner. Other options might include taking a girls (or guy’s) night out to go party and flirt with strangers, a trip to a strip club or even social dancing where switching partners is expected (such as in swing dancing) can get you charged up… before you head home with your honey and tear each other’s clothes off.

Challenge Yourselves

Part of the thrill of new relationship energy is the novelty of getting to know one another; there are always new and intriguing layers to uncover when you’re just starting out as a couple. Part of a long-term relationship means that over time, you’ve gotten to know your partner on an incredibly deep level, almost as well as you know yourself. As a result, it can feel as though there’s nothing new; you know each other so well that you can practically read one another’s minds and predict their reactions with 100% certainty

“I sense that she’s going to brain me for not cleaning the litter box like I promised.”

So how do you overcome this level of familiarity and bring back that feeling of seeing her for the first time?

By facing down difficult tasks together. Psychologists at the University of North Carolina studying long-term relationships have found that couples who overcame difficult trials that challenged their skills felt closer and more attracted to one another than those who simply spent time together. It was the rush of overcoming a difficult trial that helped bring couples closer together by incorporating their partner’s skills and abilities into their own. Much like how arousing the central nervous system can be misattributed to sexual arousal, the glow of satisfaction from beating a challenge gets partially misattributed to the presence of one’s partner. By successfully challenging yourselves, you begin to condition yourselves to associate those feelings with your partner, not just the thrill of accomplishment.

Working together as a team to overcome trials forces you to communicate in new ways and opens you both up to new sides of one another that you don’t see often, if you’ve seen them at all… not to mention helping you both find new depths to yourselves. So whether you train together to beat a zombie race, enter a swing dance competition or join a bowling league, working together to overcome adversity (even if it’s not real) helps add novelty and satisfaction to your relationship, bringing the two of you even closer together.

“Just so you know sweetie, if you slow me down, I’m totally leaving you to the zombies.”

Take breaks

Sometimes the secret to bringing the spark back is to take a break from one another.

“Of course it didn’t count. You know damn good and well you were on a break.”

Now before you start wondering just what’s allowed when you’re on “a break”, this doesn’t mean that you’re putting your relationship on hold, nor does it necessarily mean that you’re spending enforced time away from one another. While having alone time – even separate vacations – can be important for maintaining a happy relationship, what I’m talking about is interruption.

Interruption can be a powerful technique, especially for reviving and maintaining the spark of passion in your life. By taking a break from one another, you’re disrupting the expected pattern of your routine. It causes a reset of expectations – making things feel more intense, while also setting your brain on edge as it waits for the expected conclusion.

So practice a little deliberate blue-balling in your love life. Have an intense make-out session in the kitchen in the morning right before leaving for work, leaving both of you hot and bothered with no chance to pop before you both get home. Give your partner a foot massage while you watch TV together, then stop in the middle, only to come back to it a little later. Find the activities that you share and enjoy together and disrupt it, so that you’re eager to get back to it later on. Let the tension build until it’s almost unbearable and you’re both absolutely gagging for the release of completion… then marvel at just how much more you enjoy the conclusion.

Have More Sex

“Hang on Doc,” I hear you cry. “I’m reading this because our sex life is deader than the chances of a Firefly reunion; how does having more sex fix this?”

Well I’m glad you asked, Mr. Straw Man.

Sex has a lot more benefits than just getting your rocks off. To start with, a partner-assisted orgasm increases oxytocin and dopamine levels in the brain which help solidify emotional bonds, lessen anger and increase feelings of contentment – all of which serve to help alleviate some of the causes of dissatisfaction with your partner and your relationship in general.

For another, not having sex can become a habit, and a hard one to break. Because we live in a sex-negative culture, we believe that the only “good” sex is sex that happens spontaneously. If you actually plan to have sex, then it’s not as “real” and doesn’t mean as much as when you and your honey are just so horny that you can’t keep your hands off one another.

This attitude is bullshit and relationship poison. When you’re in a long-term relationship, life has a way of leaving you with little time for spontaneous fucking; if you want to get the feeling of being a pair of randy teenagers with insufficient adult supervision, then you have to make a point of clearing out your schedules so you can have sex. If it’s so important that its lack is hurting your relationship together, then it’s important enough to make time for it.

“Don’t forget, we’ve got our 2:30 at the Neptune Motel. I’ll be bringing the handcuffs, you make sure you’re wearing that teddy I love so much.”

Now, part of getting the new relationship thrill can come from recreating other aspects of the early days of your relationship: when you couldn’t wait to get your hands on one another, but you couldn’t just throw down. You had to find a time and place; you couldn’t go to her place because her roommates were always around and your place was barely fit for human habitation, never mind happy-fun-naked-time. So give yourselves artificial restrictions that you have to overcome. Set arbitrary rules: you’re going to have sex, but you can’t do it at night, in your place or in a bed. Putting obstacles in your way and having to find creative ways around them not only injects some novelty, but it creates new challenges and interrupts usual pattern of “sex at night, in your bed, right before you go to sleep”. Breaking up the routine and having to devote some actual creative thought to it triggers higher levels of dopamine and heightens your anticipation.

Before too long, you’ll find that the tides of passion that had rolled out of your relationship have rolled back in, even stronger than they had before, bringing that new relationship energy back with it.

…just try to not annoy the neighbours as much this time around.

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Thursday, 27 March 2014

And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting

And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting

Missing: Man of Finance who goes by the name of Jeremy. Late twenties, auburn hair, last seen in Chelsea in August 2009. The first man who ever “ghosted” me.

“Ghosting,” the act of disappearing in a phantom-like fashion from someone you are seeing, is prevalent in today’s dating culture and it is objectively terrible behavior. Ghosting can happen after a one-date rendezvous or months of seeing each other – no one is safe from this juvenile phenomenon. Take a horde of singles living in a big city, give them tech devices and dating apps, add a dash of childishness and you’ve got a recipe for relationship disaster stories. For Millennials, “and then I never heard from him again,” is one of the most common endings to great date stories. And we all deserve a happier, non-Sopranos-style ending.

“I think people have been ending relationships badly since the beginning of time,” says Dr. Nicole L. Cromer, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City. But now that we can hide behind our phones and swipe right onTinder to find our next date, it’s that much easier to be anonymous and to not take responsibility, explains Cromer, who specializes in relationship issues. But just because it’s easy doesn’t mean it isn’t gutless.

When I met Jeremy at a bar in Midtown on a random Wednesday night, I was incredibly naïve to the New York dating scene. He was genuinely interested in me – I thought. The idea of feigning attraction in an attempt to get someone in bed was nonsensical to me. He texted me nonstop and we met up twice within days of meeting. Soon after, the momentum of our communication came to a startling halt.

When I reached out, he made excuses about how work was keeping him from going out. He was a few years older and worked in banking, so this was plausible. A week later, I thoughtfully asked if he had time for lunch one day soon – a date with a built-in timetable for a busy trader. I blankly stared at my phone, awaiting his response, until eventually I blinked and realized what had happened: I had been ghosted.

Sure, he promised me nothing. I was the one who had the Pollyanna-ish expectation that a few fun nights out together meant he should, at the very least, digitally acknowledge my existence.

More than the difficulty of dealing with the loss of him, I struggle with stomaching the lack of human decency of ghosting. I understand that there’s no future for us, but a simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, “Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,” would provide so much more closure. It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days. When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.

Jeremy might have been the first to pull a stunt like this on me – but his actions are certainly not unique.

“Whether you just go radio silent on them, or cancel on them, I definitely know a lot of guys who end things that way and are guilty of it,” explains one New Yorker, named Jimmy. “You had fun, they’re not Ms. Right but it was a good run and you just kind of fade it out.”

Jimmy, 25, says that men, too, are frequently on the receiving end of this. Because the likelihood of running into someone again is slim – and the probability of finding another date within the hour is high, thanks to an inundation of digital dating services – some find this to be a viable solution to ceasing contact with someone. More than simply being a symptom of living in a transient city, Jimmy believes that immaturity also plays a role, and agrees that ghosting hurts.

Confrontation in this instance is defined not by conflict, but by being upfront and letting the person know, “I’m just not that into you.”

“This scenario [happens] even after four, five, six dates,” said Jimmy. “They can still be disrespectful enough just to play dead on you. It definitely stings a little.” He notes that this practice can make the ghostee feel like they weren’t even “worthy” of an explanation.

Kristy (some names in this piece have been changed), 25, met John on Tinder. They had gone on a few dates and then one Saturday night last summer, John drove from Brooklyn to the Meatpacking District to meet Kristy and her friend at a club as it neared last call. He stayed for one drink and then took the girls home to Midtown East. John kissed her goodbye and rode off into the dusk. When Kristy texted him: “How was Philly?” (he told her he was going there the next day), he didn’t reply – ever.

Kristy said she initially questioned herself: “What did I say that clearly made him think that I’m nuts? What was said to turn him off?”

Her confusion then turned to anger as she realized she hadn’t even liked him that much to begin with: “Why does he think he’s too cool to not call me back?”

This internal reflection is common.

“When someone is deciding to not communicate with you, it’s harder to see that it’s really about them and not about you,” explains Cromer. “All kinds of insecurities are likely to come up in that space.”

The choice to end a relationship in this manner reflects more on the ghost than the now-confused former love interest. When ending a relationship, depending on one’s personality, they’ll likely take one of two approaches: avoidance (ghosting) or confrontation. Confrontation in this instance is defined not by conflict, but by being upfront and letting the person know, “I’m just not that into you.”

According to a study on preferred relationship termination strategies conducted in the 1970s by Leslie A. Baxter and Jeffrey Philpott, when one party chooses to end a relationship through avoidance, it is likely to trigger more anger and hurt – and lead to confrontation.

Ghosts: you’re not as smooth as you think you are – and more importantly, you’re not doing yourselves any favors when you pull a vanishing act. You, too, would benefit from being upfront and honest about whether or not the relationship has run into a cul-de-sac on the road to love.

The study found that avoidance oftentimes causes so much frustration that it leads to an encounter initiated by the recipient. In the case of ghosting, a face-off is the last outcome one hopes non-action will have – and ends up being more detrimental overall.

“Delayed confrontation is more likely to be destructive for the parties than is initial confrontation; [it] compounds the reasons for termination with the additional frustration and anger over how the other party has reacted thus far in the termination effort,” explains the study. “Even if the other party passively accepts the avoidance action, the terminator faces the lingering cost of knowing that he or she took the coward’s way out of the relationship.”

So rip off the Band-Aid. Own up to your feelings, or lack thereof. We will all receive the necessary closure and resolve as a result.

Denise Abatemarco, a psychotherapist in New York City, says many of her single clients – who happen to be smart women, with successful careers – have had men “end” relationships with them through avoidance. Because these men sidestep addressing their feelings head-on, she sees women falling into a trap of blaming themselves to derive some sort of understanding.

Until we can all live in a world of honest dating, Abatemarco suggests paying attention to red flags that are typically overlooked or dismissed as normal – like when someone does not respond to texts and calls consistently, or is particularly guarded. Try to find out about someone’s relationship history and what they are looking for; if they’re not willing to divulge that information, it can be telling, she says.

There are always signs, but we’re usually willing to make excuses, wishful that this time, this person, will be the exception. Recently, I had been going out with a man for a couple of months before he had a bit of an emotional breakdown one night – let’s just say tears were involved. Before, his texts came frequently, but a week passed and I was genuinely concerned about his well-being.

Swallowing my fear, I sent the first text. Minutes, then hours, then days went by and there was no response. Of course, my mind went to extremes – was he okay? Was he institutionalized? (That seemed rational at the time).

As Abatemarco points out, there were several glaring warning signs that suggested I should stay away. But I felt the need for an explanation.

“It’s really shitty to just disappear and think someone…me…won’t notice or care. Just concerned that you’re ok,” I typed. In a way, I wanted him to know that, if he was ghosting me, I was onto his exit strategy.

Texting him prompted a quick response, apologies, excuses and one more hangout where everything seemed fine, only to lead to the same outcome: another relationship that evaporated into the thin New York City air.

The truth of the matter is, had he let me know that he just wasn’t feeling it, whatever his reasons were, I would have been okay with it. Misconnecting is common, and oftentimes, I already know he’s not the one for me and I’m just not seeing the red flags, as Abatemarco suggests.

Like the experts say, it’s not you, it’s them – time is better spent moving on to the next.

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Friday, 14 February 2014

What really matters in a relationship?

In response to the eHarmony article that boasted the reasons to date lawyer, Hayley Bystram of Bowen- Lyons Partnership tells us how their article can be translated to everyone, even those who aren’t lawyers and what actually matters when dating someone!

Why is an impeccable dress sense not an essential part of dating a person?

Impeccable is never the goal. People want to be able to relate to one another and find common ground whilst on a date. To be impeccable is closely linked to unapproachable, which is the last thing you want when you’re getting to know someone. Of course a neatly ironed shirt is preferable to one that looks like you recently got it out of the hamper, smelt that it was dirty, and decided to wear it anyway, but there’s clearly a middle ground and impeccable isn’t it!

Why are looks not everything when it comes to the dating scene?

Looks aren’t everything when it comes to the dating scene, but no matter how hard we’d like to deny it, they do matter to some extent. (For this reason, we offer a complimentary consultation with an expert Stylist as part of our Relationship Ready package for all of our new members.) I’m not trying to say that in order to find love, you need to look like a Hollywood movie star, but those searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right need to be prepared to make some effort when it comes to their appearance. Now let’s define effort – by this we mean moving forward with the times and not reusing your 1990’s party dress that has been hanging in the wardrobe for years, not throwing on clothes that clearly no longer fit and were from your chubbier University days, and avoiding wearing old ratty trainers on a date! Treat yourself to a few new date outfits, schedule your hair appointments throughout the year, shower, iron your clothes

, and make sure that you have breath mints on you. In other words, do what you need to do to ensure that you are attractive to the opposite sex, and most importantly, that you feel attractive. It’s obvious when someone isn’t comfortable in their own skin, so it’s paramount that you do what you can to feel your best while on the dating scene.

Some people thrive off friction so why is conflict resolution so important in a relationship?

Some couples may thrive off friction for a while but, like any heightened state (whether one that is volatile or a honeymoon period), it isn’t sustainable. Conflict resolution is key to a partnership. In the most recent couples research done at the renowned Gottman Institute in the US, researchers have found that it isn’t how often couples fight, but the way they resolve their conflict that predicts relational success.

Why are arguments good things for a relationship from time to time?

Arguments are a sign of an honest relationship. Just because two people are committed to one another, doesn’t mean that they fuse into one being with a single mind and heart

. Arguing is healthy from time to time – it addresses concerns or frustrations and it is the way it’s resolved that matters the most.

Why can money not buy you a happy relationship?

True love has nothing to do with money. Although we’d all like to fall in love with someone who is financially accomplished, it’s truly the person inside that matters. Money comes and goes, but character is much more permanent. If you’re setting out to meet someone who is ‘rich’ that doesn’t mean that they are going to meet all of your other much more vital needs in the relationship, and they may be completely poor in their value system and personality. Although it’s completely understandable to want to be in a relationship with someone who lives a comfortable life with job-security, wealth should never be one of the top priorities when looking for a mate.

Why is admitting you are wrong a strong trait to have in a pairing?

There’s no room for the need to ‘be right’ in a relationship. You won’t get very far if you’re always trying to prove your point and one-up your partner!

'To contact Hayley about getting your love life sorted please visit www.hayleyquinn.com or drop her a line to hello@hayleyquinn.com'

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