12 Subtle Signs You’re Being Manipulated By Your Lover

"Quite often in relationships people are manipulated without even being aware that it is happening. The really good manipulator's are able to twist your thoughts, actions, desires etc into ways that are more beneficial to them.

However many of us are guilty of this without realising it, from bribing our children, to emotional blackmail".                  -Susan

12 Subtle Signs You’re Being Manipulated By Your Lover

Do you think you’re a victim of manipulation? Use these 12 subtle and yet shocking signs to find out if you’re being manipulated by your lover.

Sometimes, we end up manipulating our lovers to get things our way.

We may do it intentionally just for fun, in an obvious manner.

Or we may do it sneakily and subtly to get something without confronting out lovers.

And it’s all fun and games for a while, as long as both partners realize that one of them is being arm-twisted into giving in.

But where do you draw the line?

Are you being manipulated by your lover?

Manipulation is cute the first few times, or when it’s a harmless request.

When you hear your girlfriend or wife say something like “I’m not going to have sex with you tonight if you don’t meet me early!” you can’t help but smile about it.

Or if your boyfriend or husband brings breakfast in bed and asks you if he can go out with the guys on a weekend getaway, you may even laugh about it and accept his reques

But what if these cute threats turn into something darker or more bitter or agonizing?

Do you think you have what it takes to take a stand and decline something if you think it would go against your principles or wishes?

Do you have the spine to stand your ground and say ‘no’ when you don’t want to do something?

Manipulative partners subconsciously seek partners who can be manipulated into giving in because they’re selfish and always want things their own way.

You may not see the signs early in a relationship. But if you notice the cute threats turning into bigger requests, or if your partner starts nagging you or trying to abuse you each time you try to decline their request, chances are, you’re playing helplessly into the hands of a manipulative partner.

Recognising a manipulative love

How does your partner react to you when you decline them for something? Do they accept your decision respectfully when they realise you’re being serious?

Or do they keep quiet for a while only to bring up the request again a few hours later? Or do they try to force you to do as they say by threatening you or abusing you? Or do they withhold something *be it sex, affection or by giving you the silent treatment* until you give in?

If your partner can’t accept your decision to decline something *even after you explain your reasons clearly*, and try to force you to do something against your will, in all probability, you’re being manipulated in your relationship, in some small or big measure.

Giving in is different from getting pushed into a corner

Your partner’s manipulative behaviour doesn’t start overnight. It starts small, and with each passing day, their demands get bigger and bigger, and their tolerance for your refusals too start to get smaller and smaller.

And you may find yourself giving in all the time, helplessly, whether you want to or otherwise.

You may think giving in is a sign of true love, or you may assume that’s what lovers do when they love their partner unconditionally. But really, is saying ‘no’ against the principle of true love?

You’re unable to say ‘no’ to your partner, not because of your true love for them, but because of the fear that they may think less of you if you turn down a request of theirs. Truth be told, it’s not love that’s forcing you into a corner, it’s your people pleasing behavior and your low self esteem that makes you do things against your will every single time!

When you’re confident about yourself and don’t feel the need to bend over backwards just to please someone, it means you’re at peace with who you are. You believe in yourself and you’re confident that you’re not wronging your partner in any way.

But when you constantly feel the need to do everything your partner asks of you, even if it means doing something you dislike or something that would affect you negatively, it only means that you think small of yourself and constantly feel the need to please your lover just to be accepted.

12 signs you’re being manipulated by your lover

It’s not easy to reflect within and ask yourself if you’re a victim of manipulation in your relationship. But everything starts with self realisation. If you can accept the fact that you’re a victim of manipulation and emotional abuse, only then can you try to work your way out of the web of manipulation your partner has built around you.

Use these 12 signs, and ask yourself if you feel any of these symptoms around your partner, or in your relationship. And if you do see these 12 signs in your life, it’s time for you to take a stand and believe in yourself for who you are, or you’ll just get walked over all the time and there won’t be a thing you can do to stop your partner from using you or manipulating you.

#1 Anxiety. You feel anxious each time your partner wants to ask for a favour. You fear they may ask you something that you can’t do, and yet, you know you can’t deny them their request.

#2 You hate yourself. You hate yourself for being so weak. You realize your partner is using you or taking advantage of your niceness and your generosity, but you’re too timid to say it to their face.

#3 You can’t say no. You just can’t say no to them. Just the thought of turning them down or saying no seems like a crazy idea, and you feel helpless and weak each time you even try to say it. You know the right thing to do is say ‘no’ but you can’t bring yourself to say it.

#4 You justify your actions. You try to reason with yourself and justify that you aren’t being manipulated. Instead, you try to convince yourself that it is you who wants to do the favougoogle r for your partner.

#5 You’re bad. You feel like a bad partner for turning your partner down, no matter what they ask of you.

#6 Expectations grow. Your partner always expects more from you. No matter what you do, or how much you do, they behave like they’re happy and pleased with your giving ways, but they always ask for more.

#7 You can’t shut up. You just can’t say a simple ‘no’ and shut up. You have a deep need to explain yourself and your actions every time, to everyone. You want your partner to understand your mind and your reasons clearly. While your partner, on the other hand, is always vague or doesn’t justify the things they do.

#8 You hate awkward pauses. When your partner asks you to do something for them, you may be able to muster your courage and say ‘no’. But as they pause and stare at you for a few seconds, you can’t help but feel your stomach churn, and you give them an opportunity to use you.

#9 It’s your fault. You blame yourself for not being a good partner. You feel guilty for being idle and relaxed when you could be doing something to please your partner or make them happy.

#10 Obligations. You believe you’re obligated to doing something for your partner. You don’t know why, but somehow, you constantly feel grateful to them for loving you or being in your life.

#11 You can’t lie. You just can’t lie to your partner or anyone else that’s manipulating you, even if you know you’ll never get caught. You can’t tell your partner you’re busy or you’re too occupied to do something for them.

#12 Are you selfish? You think you’ll seem like a selfish person for not helping them in their troubles. You feel really guilty each time you turn their request down. You feel so bad that you can’t even look them in their eyes because of all the guilt you’re carrying. It just seems so much easier to just hate yourself and do what they ask of you!

Do you see any of these 12 signs you’re being manipulated by your lover in your own life? You may not realize it, but your partner may be using you and emotionally abusing you to get what they want, all because you don’t have the nerve to say ‘no’!

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Why Do Men Pay For Sex? 5 Guys Tell Us What Their Motives Are

I think men pay for the services of  prostitutes because this enables them to be themselves, they can ask and pay for whatever  they require without fear of judgement or ridicule. Many men and women are not able to tell their partners what they would really like to try sexually and end up paying for the services of a prostitute.  However I am not in favour of this happening whilst you are in a relationship or married, its better to try and talk over your sexual requirements with your partner, maybe if they are really bazaar you should think really carefully. 

Prostitution is one of the oldest surviving professions and will continue to be so, and so be it,  as long as it is done responsibly and nobody is forced into it for the purpose of other peoples  financial gain. 

It has been said that  women who turn to prostitution  or in some cases men are being exploited, but I don't see it like that, how I see it is that the only ones being exploited are the people who hand over  the money for sex.  What do you think?        -   Susan

                  

Why Do Men Pay For Sex? 5 Guys Tell Us What Their Motives Are

It's the oldest transaction in the world but in 2014, when casual sex is easy to come by for free, why do men visit prostitutes?

1. "Sleeping with a prostitute almost ended my relationship"

Jamie, 31, an office worker from Liverpool, says:

"About six years ago I went to Amsterdam with four single friends on a lads' holiday. We said we were going for the 'coffee shops' but I think we all knew beforehand that we'd also be keen to sleep with a prostitute while we were there. So late on the Saturday night we all split up and wandered through the glass doorways which have women posing behind them.

"It took me a while to pick the girl I wanted and the whole experience felt a bit like having the oil changed on my car – it was quick, it was pedestrian and I really didn't feel much. I don't remember thinking about the woman's situation and why she was making money that way. I think most blokes presume that the woman is well-paid and is doing it by choice - that's what we want to believe anyway.

"I didn't feel any guilt about it – just vague disappointment that it was rubbish sex with a girl who I don't think really wanted to be there. I used a condom – I thought it would be insane not to, and I didn't have a choice anyway. She told me she would never have had sex without one.

"It was only when I moved in with my current fiancé that I felt guilty about it. I felt I had to be completely honest with her about my past so eventually I did tell her that I went with a prostitute once. She was very, very upset about it and I had to move back in with my parents for a few days. She told me that it would take her a long time to reconcile her image of me with what I did that night. I think her main point was that I didn't need to ever do that as I was attractive enough to pull women without paying for it. It took a lot of reassuring on my behalf to convince her that I wouldn't go and do it again.

"I still know people who sleep with prostitutes and whereas in the past I would feel sorry for them, now I feel angry with them. Not only is it something that will come back and bite you one day, from a purely selfish point of view it's also pointless, in that it's wasting money on bad sex that benefits nobody at all."

2. "I sleep with escorts when I travel for work"

Sam, 28, a sales executive from London, says: 

"I think I've probably slept with around a dozen escort girls while I've been in the Far East. I'm there constantly for my work and it is definitely a more accepted part of male work culture in places like Bangkok, Seoul and Hong Kong than it is in Europe. I've even heard of Christmas parties where the CEO pays for his best workers to have a girl for the night.

"I know the best agencies so I normally phone ahead and get a girl to have dinner and cocktails with me and then we'll go back to my hotel room for sex. I don't think there's really any moral element to it. I know that these agencies treat the women well – they get to keep a big chunk of what they earn for themselves and, from talking to them, it seems the majority do it because it's easy hours and better money than they could earn elsewhere.

"I like the women to be intelligent and sophisticated as I'll be taking them to expensive places. I prefer it if we can hold a good conversation but if she really is smoking hot in the looks department I tend to just do most of the talking myself and let her relax.

"I'm single at the moment because of my constant travelling but I'm certain that I'm intelligent enough to be able to separate sex with an escort girl from sex with a long term partner. I think that would be like confusing a hotel room with a home. With escort girls, it's pure short-term satisfaction and I like the total lack of emotional involvement and the fact that there is no deception. I want sex. She wants money. And if we can both enjoy ourselves in the process then so much the better.

"I tell my close friends what I do and I think on the whole other men are sympathetic. There's nothing sleazy about it. I don't go to brothels and I don't think I exploit vulnerable women. What I do is above board and not hurting anyone. What's more, the sex is almost always very enjoyable. The fact that we don't know each other lets me experiment and have adventures in a way I'd be nervous to with a long term partner.

"When I decide to settle down with somebody I wouldn't ever tell them about these things. I can't see the point in hurting somebody over something that means so little and happened in my past.

3. "I feel guilty and ashamed"

Chris, 30, a housing officer from Brighton, says:

"It's hard for me to talk about this as I still can't actually believe that I did something so stupid. My girlfriend had just walked out on me at the end of a very bad relationship and I was at home, drunk and lonely, so I decided to go online and get a girl to come over. I made the phone call, got a price and booked it so quickly that I didn't have time to think it through.

"It was a totally spontaneous decision and I certainly got the impression from the way the woman looked at me that she thought I was pitiful as a person, although she did her best to be professional about the whole thing.

"Afterwards I didn't want to have sex with anyone for a long time. I just felt that any woman in a bar could tell – just by looking at me – that I was the kind of guy who slept with prostitutes.

"It's only after getting into a new relationship with a girl who's a social worker that I've seen statistics about the number of prostitutes who are either in gangs that they can't get out of or are being forced by pimps to do things they don't want to do that I started thinking about it from a viewpoint other than my own.

"I still haven't told my girlfriend about what I did, and I'm scared to. I think of my feelings of guilt as punishment for what I did. My close friends who know have told me to lighten up, but I find this very hard. I think I took part in something cheap, exploitive and shameful and I don't foresee a time when I won't regret it hugely."

4. "I sleep with prostitutes because I can't chat up women"

Joe, 36, a solicitor from London, says:

"I have very low self-esteem around women. Although I find it easy to be their friend, I'm a red-blooded male so I often use social networking sites like Craig's List to find women who will have sex for money – my housemate is the only one who knows about it.

"I like to have a conversation and see a photo of them first, which I do online, and then we'll make a date where she'll come round to my house. I usually have a bottle of wine waiting for them but usually they don't have any and just want to get on with it, which is fine by me.

"The women I've been with – and there have probably been between 12 and 15 over the last year or so – are usually pleasant, polite and seem eager for me to have a good time. I sometimes request the same woman to come back again but it isn't really that important. I like to have variety as I don't want to get too attached to any of these girls.

"Deep down, however, I know what I'm doing is probably damaging me in some way. If it was a healthy thing to do then we'd live in a society where we could be much more open about it. The problem is that it's just so easy. I enjoy the fact that I can meet a new girl, have sex with her and then just leave it at that.

"There have been a couple of occasions where I haven't had sex with the girl and I've just talked with her. I still haven't fully understood why I do this but it certainly makes me feel better to be with somebody and talk, knowing they can't tell anyone I know and that they won't judge me.

"In the back of my mind, one of the reasons I keep doing it is that I want to have a proper 'porn star' experience. Of course, it's never like that – it's just fairly ordinary sex but it's given me this expectation that I want sex to be like what I see in porn films. I know this is absurd and I do worry that the way I feel about sex is somehow a little warped now.

"I'm sure that when I do find a girlfriend I like then I'll stop paying for sex but for now, despite the fact that I know it's not good for me, I still find it better than going through life having no sex at all."

5. "I hired a prostitute with my girlfriend"

Richard, 30, a fashion stylist from London, says:

"My girlfriend used to be a lap dancer and she's very relaxed and open about sex. She is also bisexual and, as we like to make each other's fantasies come true, we hired an escort girl to come to our hotel room during a holiday in Rotterdam a few years ago for a threesome.

"The only rule my girlfriend gave me was that I wasn't allowed to actually have sex with her. Everything else was fine. The girl was from Slovenia and we had some drinks with her before we started kissing. She was pretty, about 21 and she seemed to be very clued up about what to expect.

"I think having my girlfriend there made a huge difference to how comfortable she felt. The girl in question was studying for her degree and seemed very confident that she was in control of the situation and only doing escort work to pay her way through university.

"I can't speak for other men's experiences of paying for sex, but for me it was a very exciting, very satisfying experience. There's no way I was exploiting the girl in question. She was paid well for doing something which I think she enjoyed. Maybe she is treated badly by other guys but I know in Holland escort girls are entitled to medical care - and I think there's even a trade union for them. Me and my girlfriend really enjoyed the experience and we'd definitely do it again. In fact, my girlfriend talks about that night more than I do!"

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And Then I Never Heard From Him Again: The Awful Rise of Ghosting

Missing: Man of Finance who goes by the name of Jeremy.  Late twenties, auburn hair, last seen in Chelsea in August 2009. The first man who ever “ghosted” me.

“Ghosting,” the act of disappearing in a phantom-like fashion from someone you are seeing, is prevalent in today’s dating culture and it is objectively terrible behavior. Ghosting can happen after a one-date rendezvous or months of seeing each other – no one is safe from this juvenile phenomenon. Take a horde of singles living in a big city, give them tech devices and dating apps, add a dash of childishness and you’ve got a recipe for relationship disaster stories. For Millennials, “and then I never heard from him again,” is one of the most common endings to great date stories. And we all deserve a happier, non-Sopranos-style ending.

“I think people have been ending relationships badly since the beginning of time,” says Dr. Nicole L. Cromer, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City. But now that we can hide behind our phones and swipe right onTinder to find our next date, it’s that much easier to be anonymous and to not take responsibility, explains Cromer, who specializes in relationship issues. But just because it’s easy doesn’t mean it isn’t gutless.

When I met Jeremy at a bar in Midtown on a random Wednesday night, I was incredibly naïve to the New York dating scene.  He was genuinely interested in me ­­– I thought. The idea of feigning attraction in an attempt to get someone in bed was nonsensical to me. He texted me nonstop and we met up twice within days of meeting.  Soon after, the momentum of our communication came to a startling halt.

When I reached out, he made excuses about how work was keeping him from going out.  He was a few years older and worked in banking, so this was plausible. A week later, I thoughtfully asked if he had time for lunch one day soon – a date with a built-in timetable for a busy trader. I blankly stared at my phone, awaiting his response, until eventually I blinked and realized what had happened: I had been ghosted.

Sure, he promised me nothing. I was the one who had the Pollyanna-ish expectation that a few fun nights out together meant he should, at the very least, digitally acknowledge my existence.

More than the difficulty of dealing with the loss of him, I struggle with stomaching the lack of human decency of ghosting. I understand that there’s no future for us, but a simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, “Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,” would provide so much more closure. It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days. When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.

Jeremy might have been the first to pull a stunt like this on me – but his actions are certainly not unique.

“Whether you just go radio silent on them, or cancel on them, I definitely know a lot of guys who end things that way and are guilty of it,” explains one New Yorker, named Jimmy. “You had fun, they’re not Ms. Right but it was a good run and you just kind of fade it out.”

Jimmy, 25, says that men, too, are frequently on the receiving end of this. Because the likelihood of running into someone again is slim – and the probability of finding another date within the hour is high, thanks to an inundation of digital dating services – some find this to be a viable solution to ceasing contact with someone.  More than simply being a symptom of living in a transient city, Jimmy believes that immaturity also plays a role, and agrees that ghosting hurts.

Confrontation in this instance is defined not by conflict, but by being upfront and letting the person know, “I’m just not that into you.”

“This scenario [happens] even after four, five, six dates,” said Jimmy.  “They can still be disrespectful enough just to play dead on you. It definitely stings a little.” He notes that this practice can make the ghostee feel like they weren’t even “worthy” of an explanation.

Kristy (some names in this piece have been changed), 25, met John on Tinder. They had gone on a few dates and then one Saturday night last summer, John drove from Brooklyn to the Meatpacking District to meet Kristy and her friend at a club as it neared last call. He stayed for one drink and then took the girls home to Midtown East. John kissed her goodbye and rode off into the dusk.  When Kristy texted him: “How was Philly?” (he told her he was going there the next day), he didn’t reply – ever.

Kristy said she initially questioned herself: “What did I say that clearly made him think that I’m nuts? What was said to turn him off?”

Her confusion then turned to anger as she realized she hadn’t even liked him that much to begin with: “Why does he think he’s too cool to not call me back?”

This internal reflection is common.

“When someone is deciding to not communicate with you, it’s harder to see that it’s really about them and not about you,” explains Cromer. “All kinds of insecurities are likely to come up in that space.”

The choice to end a relationship in this manner reflects more on the ghost than the now-confused former love interest. When ending a relationship, depending on one’s personality, they’ll likely take one of two approaches: avoidance (ghosting) or confrontation. Confrontation in this instance is defined not by conflict, but by being upfront and letting the person know, “I’m just not that into you.”

According to a study on preferred relationship termination strategies conducted in the 1970s by Leslie A. Baxter and Jeffrey Philpott, when one party chooses to end a relationship through avoidance, it is likely to trigger more anger and hurt – and lead to confrontation.

Ghosts: you’re not as smooth as you think you are – and more importantly, you’re not doing yourselves any favors when you pull a vanishing act. You, too, would benefit from being upfront and honest about whether or not the relationship has run into a cul-de-sac on the road to love.

The study found that avoidance oftentimes causes so much frustration that it leads to an encounter initiated by the recipient. In the case of ghosting, a face-off is the last outcome one hopes non-action will have – and ends up being more detrimental overall.

“Delayed confrontation is more likely to be destructive for the parties than is initial confrontation; [it] compounds the reasons for termination with the additional frustration and anger over how the other party has reacted thus far in the termination effort,” explains the study. “Even if the other party passively accepts the avoidance action, the terminator faces the lingering cost of knowing that he or she took the coward’s way out of the relationship.”

So rip off the Band-Aid. Own up to your feelings, or lack thereof.  We will all receive the necessary closure and resolve as a result.

Denise Abatemarco, a psychotherapist in New York City, says many of her single clients – who happen to be smart women, with successful careers – have had men “end” relationships with them through avoidance. Because these men sidestep addressing their feelings head-on, she sees women falling into a trap of blaming themselves to derive some sort of understanding.

Until we can all live in a world of honest dating, Abatemarco suggests paying attention to red flags that are typically overlooked or dismissed as normal – like when someone does not respond to texts and calls consistently, or is particularly guarded. Try to find out about someone’s relationship history and what they are looking for; if they’re not willing to divulge that information, it can be telling, she says.

There are always signs, but we’re usually willing to make excuses, wishful that this time, this person, will be the exception. Recently, I had been going out with a man for a couple of months before he had a bit of an emotional breakdown one night – let’s just say tears were involved. Before, his texts came frequently, but a week passed and I was genuinely concerned about his well-being.

Swallowing my fear, I sent the first text. Minutes, then hours, then days went by and there was no response. Of course, my mind went to extremes – was he okay? Was he institutionalized? (That seemed rational at the time).

As Abatemarco points out, there were several glaring warning signs that suggested I should stay away. But I felt the need for an explanation.

“It’s really shitty to just disappear and think someone…me…won’t notice or care. Just concerned that you’re ok,” I typed. In a way, I wanted him to know that, if he was ghosting me, I was onto his exit strategy.

Texting him prompted a quick response, apologies, excuses and one more hangout where everything seemed fine, only to lead to the same outcome: another relationship that evaporated into the thin New York City air.

The truth of the matter is, had he let me know that he just wasn’t feeling it, whatever his reasons were, I would have been okay with it. Misconnecting is common, and oftentimes, I already know he’s not the one for me and I’m just not seeing the red flags, as Abatemarco suggests.

Like the experts say, it’s not you, it’s them – time is better spent moving on to the next.

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Breaking Up Without the Pain

“Breaking up is hard to do.” ~ Neil Sedaka

Every now and then we may find ourselves in a relationship that has just run its course.

Whether it’s a result of a relationship that never should have been or two people growing apart, ending a relationship often can be hard. Before making the leap to the “big breakup,” there are a few things to consider.

It is important to know why you are making the decision that you are making. It is also important to know that you are comfortable with the decision you are making.

In order to do this, you may need to separate yourself from the situation. Ask your partner for some alone time in order to reflect and really think about how you feel.

In order to make a clear decision, you may want to list the pros and cons of staying in the relationship as well as the pros and cons of leaving it. While you may wish to confide in friends or family, this is not always wise. Generally you have your friends and who do not wish to see your relationship end and those who cannot wait. Both parties may be able to provide feedback and logical reasons for both of their cases. However, this often can become more confusing. Remember, a relationship is about the two people involved, not everyone else. At the end of it all you have to live with your decision, so make sure it is your decision.

It is also important to be honest with yourself. Only you know what you are looking for or what you desire in your partner. Take some time to ask yourself if your expectations for your relationship are realistic. Evaluate if you are giving everything you are asking for in return. Ask yourself what you really want and what will really make you happy. Examine if you are actually in love with your partner or if you are in love with the idea of being in love. It is easy to mistake love for other emotions. Only you can give yourself honest answers.

After evaluating your feelings, if you make the decision to end the relationship, it doesn’t have to be that difficult. Here are some tips for making the breaking a little less aching.

If you are concerned about the feelings of your partner, go into your conversation with compassion. Breakups do not have to be nasty. We set the tone and determine how the conversation goes. It doesn’t have to be a bashing session of what the other person did wrong or what went wrong in the relationship. Simply state your case for why the relationship is no longer working for you.

Do not engage in blaming your partner. Blaming usually leads to defensiveness and defensiveness leads to arguments. You may want to end the conversation on a positive note by expressing gratitude for all the positive things that took place in your relationship.

Don’t be afraid fully to express your emotions. Expressing your emotions leaves you free from emotional baggage and mess. Most important, make sure your emotions are being expressed in a rational and safe manner. It may be appropriate to cry or to become frustrated, but it is never okay to become aggressive or violent. If you do not feel you can meet with your partner and express your emotions in an appropriate way, it may be appropriate to meet with a counselor to prepare for and aid in this process.

Last, but not least, do not allow guilt to consume you. If you have fully evaluated the decision you’ve made, made it on your own, and for the right reasons, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Feel good about your decision, knowing it was for the best and that you will lead a healthier and happier life as a result – leaving yourself open to new possibilities and new relationships.

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